2794: The pale rider saga – Chapter 2 part 2

Title: The pale rider saga
Author: Baron Von willystien
Media: Movie
Topic: Twilight/Evil Dead series
Genre: Horror/Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by: Ghostcat

 

Welcome to Chapter Two: Part Two; Electric Boogaloo, dear Patrons!

In the first brick of this chapter’s Wall-o-Text; a beer was thrown, there was a dog … :flips through notes: Damn but there are a lot of William variants in this. Will/Wyatt went out, talked to a Bill, acted a bit squirrely because he thought he saw something, and then came back to the house to find that Bella had left a note to say she had gone hunting.

I think that’s all. Laissez le bon médiocre temps rouler!

He put the note back down and looked around his dog was gone too.

Damn. Now you know things are serious.

He laughed thinking good she can walk him poor guy needs out more often.

Something tells me that Will/Wyatt doesn’t know what ‘hunting’ is, because it is slightly more intensive than just going for a walk.

He still felt like something was off like he was being watched.

 

 

He picked up the 1897 Winchester and loaded the chamber.

Is this the same firearm he was playing with earlier? I guess we should be grateful he doesn’t leave loaded weapons just laying around the house. It’s not as if there are wandering deadites that might attack; he’s in an Officially Abandoned Area™, after all.

He heard thumping upstairs like footsteps.

It was actually a Slinky going down the stairs; they can do that, you know. Alone or in pairs!

Shit he thought knowing something was inside the house.

Dude, you have at least one dog – you should be used to odd noises in other parts of the house when your dog isn’t immediately visible. I have four cats; unless I hear breaking glass or the infamous hurk-hurk-HURK! noise I don’t even bother checking on them.

He shut out the lights and got behind the couch.

No one expects The Spanish Inquisition Hide ‘n Seek?

He pointed the shotgun at the staircase.

Dude, why are you still in the house? You have an entire abandoned town to play in. Just grab your stuff, lock all the doors, and get a new house.

Cocking the hammer as the footsteps got closer.

Like that’s not an instantly recognizable noise that would make someone suspicious if they heard it in a suddenly dark and quiet house.

First he saw a black loafer then a pants leg.

:gasp!:

Someone’s throwing his laundry down the stairs!

Suddenly the whole body came into view.

Someone threw his body down the stairs? How do that?

Whatever it was was a tall human at some point.

But it is now a medium-sized ferret.

Then he heard it speak. That will be no good and you had best put it down. The voice was a calm one.

Oh, if only there was some way to designate which part of that was dialogue.

Will said well I prefer in these times that my guest make them selves announced.

And I prefer to read fiction that has more than a tenuous grasp on grammar, but we can’t all get what we want in life.

He heard it laugh as the lights came on. He saw that is was a pale man with blonde hair.

Is the horse still upstairs?

My names Carlisle and I tracked Bella’s scent here.

And that doesn’t sound creepy in the slightest.

I was going to add something about it being worse if taken out of context, but I cannot think of a situation where telling someone that you’ve been tracking a woman via their smell doesn’t sound incredibly stalkerish.

Will kept the gun trained on him.

Seems like a reasonable reaction.

He said I know shocking she assumed I died but when the fire started they all ran for it as far as I know they were trapped in the study when the house burned.

So which is it – did they run or were they were trapped in the study?

I managed to crawl out of the window while they focused on finding my papers.

Because searching for flammable papers in a burning structure is a worthwhile use of someone’s time.

Will said Klatu verata nekto.

It’s “Klaatu barada nikto”; I know it is a thing that Ash can’t remember the last word but how how you get so close but still have every word wrong?

Carlisle laughed and said I’m not possessed.

Just one of the sparkling undead, which might be worse.

Though good thinking there I did manage to learn enough to know that will draw them out.

I thought you had the say the phrase before removing the Necronomicon or otherwise the Army of Darkness would rise up? Because Ash flubs the line and the Army does that very thing. If anything, saying the phrase should drive away the deadites rather than drawing them out.

Is Bella still here I would like to see her.

He tracked her for who knows how far by scent alone but can’t tell if she’s in the house or not?

Will said no as he layed the shotgun back on the table.

Long-barreled firearms go the left of the bread plate.

But she will be back went hunting.

No need full sentences.

Carlisle how did you get into my house.

Anyone could get in; both of you were gone and the door wasn’t even locked.

Carlisle said upstairs window was open I just crawled through.

…Or he took the hard way in, there’s always that.

Quite the guard dog you have tried to lick me and crawled up on the bed.

Ah, so the dog is still there. I guess that blows the “Bella took the dog with her” idea out of the water, which makes me question why WIll/Wyatt was so suspicious when he heard noises. If the dog was upstairs as well then he should have heard it moving around, right?

Will laughed Irwin is a bit of a lazy mutt.

I am very disappointed that the dog isn’t named Jill or Liam.

Carlisle walked over and sat down in the recliner. He looked at will and said I don’t think we have had proper introductions.

It’s an ongoing theme for the fic.

Will said names will, and I know enough bout you already your a doctor right. Carlisle said yes have been for many years.

Many, many, many years; centuries, even.

Will said well I have something in my study I think you need to see.

This isn’t suddenly going to go in a weird direction where Will/Wyatt wants to play ‘doctor’ with Carlisle, is it?

Will got up and said might as well come in excuse the mess I have a lot of trophy a from my line of work.

His lucrative career of sitting around drinking beer and watching HBO.

He opened a door leading from the dinning room into a large room off to the side.

Ah, the good ol’ dinning table.

As the lights came on Carlisle smiled and said I see you are a man of books.

I’m a woman of flesh; it makes me slightly less flammable.

Will said well this is just the library my study is in here he opened up a small door that lead to a stairwell. My study is down here.

Is that what we’re calling the murder basement now?

The room smelled damp and rotten to Carlisle as they stepped down. Shelves lined the walls with jars with parts of various things in them. As they passed one a heart in one of the jars started to beat. Carlisle cringed.

A centuries-old sparklepire who is apparently fighting against demonic zombies flinches at the sight of an undead heart?

:snerk:

What a wuss.

Will said yea I got that from a deadite I put down in Ohio was killing hookers building an army never had stopped beating since I cut its head off with my Bowie.

Back up – why was Will/Wyatt murdering hookers and building an army? And in Ohio of all places? There’s nothing in Ohio.

Will walked over to a desk and sat down. Carlisle have a seat he said I’ll show you what I have. Would you like a cigar will said offering the box on the desk. Carlisle took one and said they smell a bit stale to me and no thanks.

Because the pervasive stench of decay and death is better than a mildly stale cigar.

Will opened the drawer and pulled out a lock box that was rattling. What I have to show you is in here. As he unlocked it a hand crawled out.

I guess he makes a habit of collecting demonic zombie body parts.

Carlisle gasped what do you want to do with it the hand was pale but otherwise looked fine.

And, y’know, not attached to anything – but other than that just perfect. No ragged stump or dried blood or anything gross like that. This is a clean disembodied hand.

Will said its my hand got possessed when I lost it took me weeks to catch it.

The phrasing makes it look as if Will/Wyatt cut off his hand and then it got possessed.

Thing managed to hide under furniture crafty little bastard.

I’m just picturing a hand curled up under the couch while Will/Wyatt pokes at it ineffectively with a broom handle.

But as you can see I make do as he drew he left hand up revealing the copper and brass replacement.

Was it hidden before now? Does he wear some sort of glove over it?

But this ones clumsy it was found in London in the sewers.

As one does.

Also – based on the travel restrictions we’ve seen over the past year I find it hard to believe that he would be able to casually travel to England during a deadite invasion. He does say that it was found, not that he found it, so I guess he could have bought it locally. Still, kind of a weird origin story for his steampunk hand. I assume this is just the author’s way of having a gauntlet similar to the one Ash has smithed for him when he falls through time.

They think it was made sometime in the 1880’s I want a replacement.

You’re the one using a sewer antique as a prosthesis.

I was wondering if you could help me find a way to make a more permanent solution something more like my old one I can build it just need it attached.

I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with anything? The fic seems to just be wandering around without any purpose. Even more so that usual.

Carlisle said I have studied human nerves it could be done but the infection of such a surgery is apt to be a high risk.

From what I’ve read, the main issue with medical implants is rejection and not infection. Of course, if they are doing the procedure in the murder basement full of rotting body parts then it could be a legitimate concern.

Will said I can take it as he grabbed the hand crawling on the table.

Infections aren’t really something you can conquer via your own willpower, dumbass.

He said first step as he plunged his Bowie into the hand. Carlisle looked him funny.

Probably wondering why Will/Wyatt kept it for so long just to stab it for dramatic effect now.

Will said I can use the bones for measures.

Dude, you have both a working prosthesis and another hand. You don’t really need to flense your zombie hand for this. And why limit yourself to the original hand? Give yourself a beefy Hellboy-sized fist!

Carlisle stood up and looked around the room as his eyes fell on the other side were the shelve were not as big.

Even the sparkly undead is uncomfortable with Will/Wyatt’s shenanigans.

He saw gun racks and something that caught his eyes.

Is it a shelf that is bigger than the less big one?

Will he said why do you have civil war surgeons kit hanging up? Will looked up and said my uncle collected things like that.

And also stuff!

Believe me that kit has saved my butt a few times.

Given the incredibly primitive state of medicine during the 1860s – medical school was basically “Day 1 – amputations. Day 2 – graduation!” – I find this highly unlikely. I mean, there’s a story of a Scottish surgeon from roughly the same time period presiding over a procedure that ended up having a three hundred percent mortality rate.

I used to be an embalmer before. All of this. Carlisle raised his eyebrow.

If the extent of someone’s medical knowledge was “I made corpses look pretty” then I think that would warrant more than a single eyebrow raise; be generous and make it a double.

Will said I know funny a guy who buried the dead is having to put them at rest.

That’s not really funny; it is more like a lateral career move.

Carlisle said no just strange meeting an educated man in such an odd place with such an odd profession.

I don’t really know why Carlisle is assuming Will/Wyatt is educated; nothing in his behavior has indicated anything of the kind.

Will said I found it peaceful.

Handling dead bodies? That’s a bit odd.

And I even got brave afterward and used my skills to learn what makes them tick.

Dude, I think you’ve officially crossed over the threshold into incipient serial killer territory.

The deadites very hard creature to kill.

Because they cannot be killed; you can only damage their host enough that the deadite has to abandon it and return to their own plane of existence.

Will put the hand back in the box, and turned on his computer. Carlisle have you ever seen a 3D printer.

…I don’t like where this is going.

No Carlisle said I have read of them. Will typed on the computer I found one here in town about a year ago brought it back here you want to it’s really a neat process. He pushed a button and something behind the shelves started to buzz. Will said its going to take six hours for it to print my new hand.

:headdesk:

How exactly do you start out writing a fic about demonic zombies and sparklepires but your protagonist ends up in a murder basement 3D-printing a prosthetic hand?

I going to go upstairs and get a beer you want one. Carlisle said no thanks I do miss them but they do nothing for me. Will said I’m sorry.

Meh. I’ve had beer and I can’t say I’d be upset if I never drank another. They all taste the same to me.

Carlisle said well the beer you have nowdays is not nearly as strong as it was 400 years ago.

That all depends on what kind of beer it was. The most common beverage in those times was called ‘small beer’ and usually contained less than one percent alcohol. Everyone drank it, even the children, because it was safer than the water. Fun fact – in Sweden they still have a low alcohol lättöl (‘light beer’) that is technically classed as a soft drink so it is exempt from alcohol taxes and age restrictions.

Will said what the hell as he walked up the stairs.

As one does.

Carlisle said I think I will just take a look at your library if you don’t mind. Will said go nuts I have everything even an early version of dantes inferno.

I think you mean The Divine Comedy – a work finished in 1320 and for which there are no known extant original documents, with the earliest known printed copies being from 1472. So, no; you don’t have an ‘early version’ of it.

I also have lovecrafts manuscripts most people don’t realize it but he was an expert on the necronomicon.

He was also a socialist and an atheist, as well as being an Anglophile. And don’t forget the racism; lots and lots of racism.

Carlisle said that might be something worth reading.

If he has one of the first printings of Shadow over Innsmouth – which had multiple misprints, terribly formatting, and even had an erroneous errata page – then it might be worth some cash but would be difficult to read given how badly it was made.

Will grabbed a binder of the shelf and handed it to him.

He just keeps valuable manuscripts sitting around in a binder, does he?

He walked into the living room settling down in his Naugahyde recliner and grabbed the remote.

For someone who is supposed to be a demonic zombie-killing badass, Will/Wyatt spends an excessive amount of time just dicking around doing nothing.

He flipped through the channels and looked out the iron bared window as the sun set. Finally he found smokey and the bandit 2 on cmt. Well he said as he kicked back at least it’s a good movie.

It’s not, but why should that be relevant when nothing else in this fic has even been tangently connected to anything else?

 He must have dozed off because he woke to Bella’s voice saying hey there’s someone in the house I can smell them.

Are all sparklepires obsessed with smell?

He muttered its Carlisle as he dozed back off she said what how it can’t be will sat up still drowsy and said he showed up after you left.

Please don’t go through a recap of the interaction we just had to sit through.

I checked him out he’s not possessed.

He’s totes cool, yo.

Will reach onto the end table and grabbed a cigarette.

He’s not going to smoke it, he just enjoys assaulting tobacco products.

He’s in the library. Bella rushed past him. He heard her talking. What time is it as he fumbled for his phone. Shit he said as the screen said 4:35.

I assume that’s AM since the sun was starting to set when he was falling asleep.

He got up and walked into the kitchen to grab a beer.

I’m sensing a theme.

As he walked back through he stepped in the doorway to the library. Carlisle was hugging Bella. She was smiling.

Ghostie was not caring.

Bella looked at him and said emmet and rose weren’t at the house when it burnt they hadn’t changed. Will said that’s good news where are they.

Also, who are they? Because Will/Wyatt doesn’t know anything about Bella’s family.

Carlisle said they left for isle of esme a week before it happened.

Will/Wyatt also wouldn’t know anything about the Cullens’ private island. I am more than a little confused as to why Bella would think that Emmett and Rose had died in the fire if they left the house a week before the event took place.

They found me in the woods beat up they stayed behind.

But I thought they were on the private island? Did they return to this cabin just so that they could conveniently find Carlisle in the woods? Because given Alice’s powers it would be better if she and Jasper had been the ones to find them. At least she would have a moderately plausible reason why she would suddenly go out into the woods.

They’re protecting forks, the tribe is too. Will said forks why is that familiar. Wait a minute forks Washington I rode out there on a motorcycle back in 2010. Loved it beautiful town.

I’ve never been to the Pacific Northwest, but it does look very pretty.

Carlisle said not anymore they came and half the towns gone.

Sexual repression is a hell of a thing.

Will looked down and said I hate to hear it. So I got news for you I have friends coming in about 8 hours and this place is going to be a little small.

“Sorry to hear half your town is gone, but I’m having a party so GTFO.”

Bella said do they know about us. Will said they don’t know what you are and they don’t know about him. Bill and Tony usually sleep in the attic above the garage and iron Bill usually gets the second bed room. I need to go get cleaned up. He stepped out and walked past the kitchen to the bath room.

Dear sweet monkey Jeebus, why does this fic have so much frickin’ padding?!?

As he ran his bath he looked in the mirror. The face staring back he barely tell was his. His blonde hair had grown shaggy and the scar up his face was faded a little.

:looks into the Void:

Looks the same to me.

Stubble was growing and he picked up his straight razor.

Is he going to try to shave himself dry with a cutthroat razor?

:snorts:

Oh, I cannot wait.

He took off his hand and laid it down by the sink. As he started to shave he saw Bella standing in the doorway.

Because why would you possibly need two hands to rub a sharp piece of metal all over your tender face-meat?

I’m sorry, but there is no way in any hell that he is going to be shaving himself one-handed with a cutthroat razor with no soap and no water without removing a good bit of his skin. For various reasons I am an avid wetshaver; to remove unwanted hair I use lots of water, a shaving brush, cake soap, and instead of modern disposable razors I use either a traditional straight razor or a DE safety razor.  I have personally used both types of straight razors – the folding Western style cutthroat and the Japanese kamisori – and that is not something you want to do dry or without some way of holding the skin taut. Just no. Very much no.

Will said I didn’t think nosferatu had a reflection. Bella smiled and said where do people get these ideas at.

He called you Nosferatu so I assume he got the idea from movies.

What I want to know is why Bella is acting like she’s some sort of mysterious Ancient One who doesn’t understand modern terms instead of being a recently transformed sparklepire.

Will said I don’t know blame those old universal monsters.

:slaps Will/Wyatt:

You keep the Creature from the Black Lagoon out of this!

He smiled at her in the reflection. Will said so what’s up.

Other than my blood pressure, precious little.

Bella said Carlisle wanted you to know the printer is done. What did you print. Will flinched as he cut himself. Dammit he yelled as he put the razor down.

I don’t like to say “I told you so”, but I did. I really frickin’ did.

I was printing parts this old hand is bulky and I’m pretty sure that the old owner was a murderer.

Well, that escalated suddenly. And he’s not really one to be throwing stones from his hooker-murdering glass house.

I found it in a antique store, according to the owner it was found in the sewers below London.

Did the owner also have a fork that he claimed was Ysgramor’s soup spoon?

The papers found with it were dated from the times of Jack the Ripper plus look at this.

The roughly three month period ranging from the end of August to early November in 1888? That’s oddly specific, but what an amazing stroke of luck that these very fragile papers survived decades of being in a sewer in one of the busiest cities in the world and remained legible.

Will pussed a button on the side and it popped open to reveal a compartment that held a rusty knife.

It can’t be a very big knife if it fits inside his hand.

Bella looked at him and said why did you leave it in there. He said its stuck the rust welded it into place.

Well, that sounds fantastically unsanitary. He’s probably got some sort of antique tetanus/cholera hybrid now.

He took a rag and held it to the cut on his jaw. Damn hand ain’t as steady as it used to be.

Might help if you put down the sewer antique and the razor first.

He looked at her and said doesn’t the smell of blood bother you. Bella looked at him and said normally no, your blood has a unusual smell honestly it’s taking all I got not to pin. You down and lick your cut.

Ewwww.

Will looked at her and said bring it on as he open the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of superglue.

He keeps it between the aspirin and the duct tape.

Will looked at her and said jokingly I think I can take you. Bella calmly grabbed him by the shoulder and pinned him on the ground. Damn he thought as she put her knees in his chest. She is cold as ice.

What does it mean if a woman pins you down and straddles your chest but all you can think about is her body temperature? Because that doesn’t seem like a normal physical response.

Bella leaned in and licked his cheek.

Ewwww.

The cut burned him afterward it felt like pure white lightning had been poured in it. She finally let him up. Will looked into the mirror to see the cut had healed. It burned though a lot. He looked at her and said how did you do that. Bella winked and said that’s just one of the side affects of my venom all vampires can do that. Don’t worry you won’t change if have to give you a lot more for that.

Technically there’s not a minimum volume of sparklepire venom needed to turn a human, the venom just has to circulate throughout the entire body before the heart stops. Edward uses a lot of his venom to turn Bella after she gives birth, but that was more speed up the process because she was close to dying; earlier in the series she is bitten once on the arm by James and the process begins immediately, but it would have taken her days to turn if Edward had not sucked the venom from the wound to prevent it from happening.

Will looked at her and said well unless you wanna see me naked could you close the door.

Don’t nobody wanna see that.

Bella laughed and said that I might wanna see.

Didn’t your husband and daughter recently get murdered?

Will didn’t think twice he pulled off his shirt to see her gasp.

Hello, wish fulfillment.

Bella looked at his body amazed at the scars and stitches covering his chest.

That’s kind of an unusual aesthetic, but whatever does it for you.

Will looked at her and said there’s a memory for everyone.

Is it like that movie where the guy used his body like a Post-it note?

Bella looked at the stitches it was obvious they were done with fishing line and not all that well stitched.

Someone’s getting all the infections for Sithmas this year.

She looked at him and said Carlisle is going to have to fix that you know.

Does Carlisle get any say in this matter? And does this mean that Will/Wyatt is going to play ‘doctor’ with Carlisle? Because I would really rather not be right about that.

Will calmly turned around and grabbed a towel and said hey I did those my self with 20 pound spider wire and a good hook.

I fail to see how that is something to be proud of. It is kind of impressive, but mostly because fish hooks aren’t meat to be used for sewing; they are supposed to get lodged into flesh, not put it back together again.

Bella said if we’re going to be working together I dont want you patching yourself.

Why is this a requirement? It is like how you always want to have a healer in the party in case someone does something stupid like poke a minotaur with a stick and then get yeeted down some stairs?

This looks like a child sewed it and honestly doesn’t look the safest.

It isn’t safe? What, did he leave the hooks in?

She noticed then the staples on his left wrist they looked like they had been there awhile.

There are medical staples, but I’m going to assume he just used a regular Swingline.

Will what are those about she said as he shut off the bath.

I hope he used plenty of bubbles!

Will said well I had to close the wound when I lost lefty.

By putting staples in his wrist. Did he do anything else, like cauterize the wound, or try to cover the bone, or anything that would actually be beneficial to him?

They’re in my nerves so I never removed them.

I guess he doesn’t want to give the nerves a chance to heal.

I’ve had pinched nerves before, and currently have one in my neck that has made for an intensely uncomfortable couple of weeks, so if I had something jammed into a nerve I would do anything I could to pull it out and minimize the damage. Leaving a random bit of metal stuck into his nervous system where it can do gods-only-know what sort of damage is just and incredibly stupid idea.

Bella said great I’m working with a patchwork monster will smirked and said please give me five minutes laughing I need my bath.

If you’re trying to be quick then you probably should have taken a shower instead of drawing a bath.

Bella smiled and jokingly said I can join you.

Seriously, she was recently widowed; why is she in the bathroom flirting with a Stu?

Will said better not don’t need my water all he walked her back out of the bathroom.

He needs his water all … What? Where is the complete thought in that sentence?

Bella laughed and said I’ll tell Carlisle to fix your stitches.

Or maybe just remove them if the wounds are already healed. I doubt the fishing line he used will dissolve like sutures.

Will said awesome as he grabbed a beer off the counter.

Does he just have beer everywhere in this house?

I’ll be out in thirty minutes.

Dude, you said five minutes before. Which is it?

He dropped his pants as he shut the door.

Which means that Bella saw his bait and tackle before he closed the door.

Bella smiled thinking what has come over me why is his blood so alluring.

Because it is rich with the almighty Stu Force.

Just then she heard the radio turn on in the bathroom. It was playing an old country sound she caught part of the words as she walked in to see Carlisle.

Given how oddly specific the movie choices were, I’m surprised she didn’t know exactly what song was playing.

Hey Carlisle she said can we talk? Carlisle stood up from the table and said is this about him motioning for the wall that separates the bathroom and library.

The bathroom is next to the library? I know some people refer to the bathroom as their library, because that’s where they do most of their reading, but this is a new one.

Yes how did you know Bella said. Carlisle said I can hear to you know, and honestly I wouldn’t try it he seems happy as a human.

No, he seems like he goes through a lot of beer for a human, as well as being very into self-mutilation.

Bella continued well can you at least stitch him up his patching isn’t the best.

I guess he should have practiced on more corpses before doing it to himself.

Carlisle said that I will do I could use a break from these books.

You mean that one binder full of Lovecraft ‘manuscripts” that Will/Wyatt gave to you?

I’ll go get my medical kit. Bella smiled and said thanks.

Where is he going to get it from? Does he have a car? Luggage? A frickin’ Bag of Holding stuffed up his bum?

And that is all for this chapter. Finally. Despite containing more than half of the fic’s entire word count, there was precious little that made sense, or seemed to be connected to anything that is happening. And yet, nothing was finished. They started 3D-printing a new hand, but seem to have forgotten about it, and Will/Wyatt seems to be more interested in taking a bath and drinking more beer than anything else. This fic is just very meandering and vague and confusing and I need to go lay down before my brain melts.

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