1696: The Girl – Chapter ThreePosted: February 26, 2017
Title: The Girl
Topic: The Outsiders
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Angie
Something about Soc’s and Greasers or something I don’t give a fuck.
*shows up at Lyle’s doorstep* Lyle…it’s just…it’s just so stupid. It’s such a bad fic. I don’t know how I can finish it. And I’m only one twelfth of the way through.
*vents for eleven more hours*
And then Riley’s like ‘maybe it would be a good idea to go back home to my abusive dad’ because apparently that’s a thing people do.
*vents for thirty three more minutes*
Darry’s all like ‘oh shit, girl I just met. Hey, I might as well let you stay here’ even though it was PONYBOY’S decision and then….
*vents for eight more weeks*
And they just so happened to be at the same convenience store at the same time….
*vents for sixteen more minutes*
…never would’ve happened if he had just been more careful. You know?
*Angie looks up to see the door shut, Lyle being at her work*
Goddamnit, sorry. I just. There are so many bad things I could say about this fic. It’s just so boring.
*sigh* Luckily for me, Chapter Three is infinitely shorter than Chapter Two. And also, we can finally escape Ponyboy’s point of view. It’s about damn time, too. So, let’s read on.
Chapter 3: Darry
And to think I used to be excited that Ponyboy’s POV was ending. But of course, now we’ve got Marissa’s idea of Darry.
I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I remembered there was some chocolate cake left from dinner, so I decided to go have some.
I should hope they at least covered it with foil. Or, at the very least, they put it in a plastic container with a piece of bread.
Trust me, it works.
Also, the Curtises eat chocolate cake for breakfast. I don’t remember them ever mentioning chocolate cake for dinner.
I forgot Riley was in the living room until I walked in the kitchen and heard crying.
Oh dear. Pray tell, about will we get another ‘Darry is angry for the sake of being angry’ bit?
I walked into the living room and turned on the light. Riley was sitting with her knees to her chest, holding herself.
Okay, come on. Clearly Riley understands that she has emotions, so why doesn’t she just let them show in front of Pony, Soda and Darry (respectively)? Is she just too cool for that? Or did she just pretty much assume that her fits of crying would never ever wake anyone else up? Also, why is she only crying about this now?
She looked up quickly. “Sorry…did I wake you?”
And…there it is. At least she’s got some vague idea of herself. It’s a step, at least. I’m proud.
“No…” I replied as I walked over and sat down on the recliner next to the couch. “Couldn’t sleep…you ok kid?”
Similar to what I said in my first Scarlet review, obviously fucking not. She’s fucking crying.
She nodded as she wiped her eyes. “I’m fine… Don’t worry about me…”
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
I paused a moment. “You want a piece of chocolate cake?”
Ah, the answer to every woman’s problem…chocolate cake. *applauds*
She shook her head. “No…I don’t want to be a problem.”
Well then maybe stop being a dumbass.
I laughed. “You’re not a problem…” I paused, looking at her. When she didn’t reply, I sighed.
Funny. I thought he was only talking to hear his own voice, but apparently it’s just to pleasure Riley.
“Wanna sit in the kitchen while I have a piece, I feel weird knowing someone’s just sitting out here.”
Well then why didn’t you get all self conscious the rest of the night? Why didn’t you just say ‘hey, maybe I can find a blowup bed or a sleeping bag so you can sleep near us’.
To be honest, that’s a little more stalkerish than I originally thought.
She followed me into the kitchen and sat on top of the counter, as I pulled out the cake, cut myself a piece and sat at the table eating. She didn’t watch me eat;
…I don’t know why she would, Darry. I mean, you’re pretty sexy, but you’re easily the ugliest of the Curtis children.
she looked down and to the side, away from me. She was a very pretty young girl, blonde hair; blue eyes…the kind of girl guys have wet dreams about.
Oh my god, Darry. She’s, what, fifteen? You’re quite literally old enough to legally drink. You have no place flirting with a person three fourths of your age.
“You sure you don’t want some…” I said holding my fork with a piece of cake on it to her. “It’s really good…made it myself.”
This character, while he does extremely accurately portray Darry, is really fucking annoying.
She smiled; it was forced, but still angelic. “Then you’re not a very good judge on the cake then, you’d like it no matter what.”
“Well then, you try and you tell me.”
She waited a minute, then got up, took the fork and ate the piece of cake.
Oooooh. *finger guns* Gotcha.
She stood there chewing for a minute then looked at me. “Not bad…mine’s better.”
I don’t doubt it, really I don’t, but…god, that’s such a twat thing to say.
I laughed. “Well then you make us one…there’s always chocolate cake in this house.”
Did…uh…did you mean chocolate cake mix? Or are you just being an asshole by saying she has to go get her own ingredients? Asshole.
She smiled half heartily. “That’s ok…I’m gonna head home in the morning…”
Because…blue velvet cake?
I looked at my cake and sighed. “Look Riley…I don’t know what’s going on with you and your family and I’m not Ponyboy,
Well, Gee. I mean, really? Y’all pretty much already introduced yourselves, I’m fairly certain Riley has the faintest idea of who’s who. Hell, maybe Riley falls in love with Ponyboy thinking he’s Darry. It would make for a better story, anyway.
I’m not gonna try to make you tell me.” I looked up at her. “But you’re welcome here any time…with or without a black eye.
Well…Jesus. I hope that would go without saying, judging by the fact that her only parent is an abusive dick. Also because this exact thing has been said at least four fucking times in the past two chapters.
And when you’re here, you’re free to whatever you want…and don’t be afraid, no one here is gonna hurt ya.”
Again, that probably should go without saying. But after all, we’ve gotta stretch out this word count somehow, am I right?
Riley sat there not talking, so I got up and put my dish in the sink. “I’ll see ya in the morning kid.” Then turned and walked back to my room.
With that painfully written sentence, we thankfully end Chapter three of twenty four. I just pray that The Girl doesn’t get much worse. But, if I’ve learned anything from the library, it’s that fics can always get worse. Let’s just see what happens. Ta!