1695: Panic! In the Host Club – Chapter 2

 

Title: Panic! In the Host Club
Author: crossover king
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club/Full Metal Panic!
Genre: Humor/Drama
URL Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

Welcome to the second chapter of this short little fic that, thus far, hasn’t really done much. In the first chapter, Kaname arrived at Ouran with Sousuke not far behind. In what was probably their first class, Sousuke assaulted Tamaki-senpai which – for some reason – made Tamaki-senpai insist that Sousuke join the host club. Sousuke – also for no apparent reason – decided to agree to join even though he probably doesn’t understand what is going on.

Now to the next chapter, which is titled The hosts. It’s possible that it’s going to be a chapter introducing the various hosts, but that’s just my theory.

 

So I’ve been watching the old Gundam series thanks to this Dynasty Warriors Gundam I got right now I’m watching Zeta gundam, and I need to say this, I don’t like the AUEG, They preach how they want to save the Earth’s environment by getting people off the Earth, cool. A few episodes later they are going to drop a Nuclear bomb on their enemy base which they said themeselves would ruin the local environment…yah, and this is without going into how f**ked they were in the DM: G game where I can’t go into that without spewing forth an entire page of crap.

…Okay, then. Just one question – what does any of that have to do with this fic? At all? In even the slightest bit?

But forget that.

THEN WHY DID YOU PUT IT IN THE START OF THE CHAPTER?!?

:headdesk:

Ghostie too tired to deal with this bullshit so early in the chapter.

ONWARD MORTALS! ON WITH THE STORY!!!

I’m still waiting for the story to start.

Sousuke found himself following Tamaki to the Host Club with Kaname tagging along. Tamaki had nearly dragged him but found himself with a face of gun barrel for his trouble.

He’s just allowed to walk around with a gun out and no one has done anything about it? Not even to ask if it’s a toy?

Ouran is surprisingly lax when it comes to their students’ security.

Tamaki stopped at a door marked “3rd Music Room”

I think it’s just “Music Room 3”, because the way you have it doesn’t make much sense.

“Welcome my friends to the Host Club” Tamaki opened the door and light filtered through along with petals.

:sigh:

The flurry of petals is a visual effect used as a transition in the show, but it doesn’t actually happen.

“Hmm a flash bang perhaps.” Sousuke muttered reaching for his gun.

Nope, just a misused anime trope.

And he saw a very large room with several people inside, two twins, the glasses guy, a little kid, a very girly boy, and a giant.

So there’s six people, plus however many that “several” is?

“Hey Tamaki who are these two?” one of the twins said appraising him with a glance.

Why is the twin glancing at Tamaki-senpai instead of the two new kids?

“Did Tama-chan bring someone to play with?” The little kid said jumping with joy.

Yeah, that’s not creepy.

“This my fellow host members is Sousuke Sagara, he will be a new Host member and this is Kaname Chidori.”

“She’s not important. But, look! I found a hot guy!”

Kaname smiled awkwardly “Hey.”

:gives awkward head-nod: S’up, girl?

Sousuke straightened up “Sergeant Sousuke Sagara reporting for duty sirs!” He said eyes straight ahead.

“Well, he is uh…enthusiastic.” Said one of the twins.

That’s one way to put it.

“Hi i’m Kaoru and this is Hikaru.” Said the twin known now as Kaoru said.

“How about we-” said one.

“-Play a little game?” said the other.

Great, now I can’t help hearing all your dialogue in Jigsaw’s voice. Devoid of the source material’s playful visual style and humor, this fic keeps veering over into extremely unsettling territory.

“Negative sirs.” Sousuke said still keeping his eyes straight ahead

If you’re not here to have fun, then why the hell are you at the host club in the first place? Seriously, can anyone explain why Sousuke accepted Tamaki-senpai’s invitation to join the club? There’s no reason for it at all.

Suddenly the little kid jumped in front of Kaname waving his bunny at her.

Dude!

:covers Kaname’s eyes:

That is not appropriate!

There was a sudden burst of movement and Sousuke was one the ground being held by the giant.

…Wait, what? This isn’t going to be one of those fics, is it?

“Kaname run! They are initializing a surprise attack, the rabbit obviously has explosives inside!”

That seems like an oddly in-character reaction for you, but why is Mori-senpai holding you on the ground? It’s not like Huni-senpai needs protection; he’s a martial arts master.

“Hi I’m Mitsukuni Haninozuka, but you can call me Hunny Kana-chan.” The little kid said smiling at her

Are they just going to ignore the scuffle happening near them in the Void? And why would she call him Hunnykana-chan? That’s not his name.

Sousuke froze his thoughts racing in his head and bowed his head “I, I am sorry Miss Chidori I will not be able to protect you from him he is Haninozuka the Hurricane, know for his skills, I am no match for him. I have failed.”

Dude, you weren’t even a match for Mori-senpai. He’s the one actually holding you down, not Huni-senpai.

“Uh, you idiot.” Kaname said face palming.

Who are you talking to? Because I can see several candidates.

“Come on let him go Taka-chan.” Hunny said smiling.

“This is Morinozuka Takashi he is our silent type.” Tamaki said Mori nodded.

Again, no one is going to comment on the unusual circumstances?

“Finally we have my dau…son Haruhi Fujioka.” Tamaki said catching himself before he let out the secret.

:thumbs-up: Smooth.

“Nice to meet you Sagara-san.” Haruhi said handing out her hand.

“Sergeant Sousuke Sagara Ma’am.” He saluted.

:blinks:

Did he just … Does Sousuke know Haru-chan is a girl? Surely someone will mention that.

And how is he saluting from his position on the floor under Mori-senpai?

“It’s really good to meet you Haruhi.” Kaname said taking her hand.

“Good, good you’ve all met, hello I am Kyouya, we have met now let us continue” The one with glasses said frustrated.

…So that’s a no? No one is going to even notice that Sousuke can tell that Haru-chan is a girl? No one at all?

“Oh yes well Sousuke you must first show us how good you are with the young ladies.” Tamaki said smiling.

:covers Kaname’s eyes again:

NOOO!!!

Sousuke froze “S…Sir what do you mean?”

Well, you are currently being held down by a large man, so … Use your imagination.

“I know I am.”

:spritzes Syl with spray bottle: GET OUT, SYL!

:Syl hisses and retreats into the rafters:

Dammit. Now I’ll have to go get the broom to get her down. Meh. I’ll do it later.

Tamaki looked at him a little amused “Why, how will you be a host if you cannot entertain ladies?”

That’s actually a very good question. Hosts spend the majority of their time flirting with girls, so he’d probably have to be at least a little bit entertaining.

Sousuke started to sweat.

Kaname sighed “He’s not all that great with…girls.”

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

Then WHY did you join the frickin’ host club, you doof?!?

Tamaki turned white with shock and started crying “Oh what a cruel world that one with such looks as Sousuke does not know how to entertain ladies.”

…You seem very distraught that a boy you just met, and who has been shown to possess no kind of social skills, isn’t good at dealing with girls.

“Couldn’t we, I don’t know, teach him?” Haruhi said.

Ugh. I feel an 1980s style movie montage coming on.

Tamaki froze, then stood with new determination “Yes it is a wondrous Idea Haruhi, my wonderful child.”

No, it really isn’t. Flirting isn’t really the kind of thing you can teach someone to do if they don’t have the personality for it.

“Sousuke.” Tamaki barked with authority.

“Yes sir!” Sousuke said straightening up.

“We shall teach you how to be a proper host member.”

Great! That couldn’t possibly go terribly wrong! Now all you need to do is find a proper host.

“Right I’ll just go.” Kaname said not wanting to see what would happen.

TAKE ME WITH YOU!

“Haruhi we need you to dress like a girl so that…” “No.”Tamaki wasn’t able to finish before he was cut off by Haruhi.

Tamaki started to cry “Mama! Our child isn’t listening to me!”

To be fair, you’re not listening to her either.

Kyouya sighed “Then find some other way to do it. Renge is too busy at the moment so we will have to try another way.”

:points at Kaname:

She’s technically a girl.

The twins started to cackle “Have we got an idea” they said simultaneously.

Does it involve someone dressing in drag despite the fact that you have access to two girls?

30 minutes later

SKIP!

Mori was dressed in drag and was staring down at Sousuke.

:facepalm:

This is just so unnecessary. And it took him only thirty minutes to get dressed in drag? Either he really half-assed it, or Mori-senpai has had practice.

“Now Sousuke pretend that Mori was a woman and try those lines we have rehearsed.” Tamaki said trying to ignore the laughter of the twins behind him.

Hey! No body-shaming! He can wear whatever makes him feel pretty!

Sousuke nodded and looked to Mori “Hello there my princess of beauty.” he said in a monotone, devoid of all emotion.

“Mmmm.” Mori grunted.

I am trying to picture this in my head and it is pretty funny, but that’s because I have a basic understanding of these characters. Someone with no knowledge of the two source materials wouldn’t know what the hell was going on.

“Continue Sou-chan! You can do it Taka-Chan!” Hunny shouted encouragements to them.

But not until the third date, because you don’t want to get a reputation for being easy.

Sousuke tried again “You are my life flower of my unending happiness.” He said once again in monotone.

“Hmm.” Mori grunted.

Who do you think is more bored, Mori-senpai or the audience?

“Hmm this isn’t working, Sousuke try some on your own.” Tamaki called to him.

Hasn’t it already been established that he doesn’t know how to deal with a girl? That was the whole reason for this little charade. And you should have known that your distinct brand of overly dramatic phrasing wouldn’t work; it only works for you because you have such a flamboyant persona.

Sousuke looked paralyzed for a second then tried again “You make me happy like a Mac-10 handgun with a silencer and laser sight.” he said with a monotone.

Okay, a few things; the Military Armaments Corporation Model 10 is officially called the M-10, not the MAC-10, which is something a military man like Sousuke would know. And they aren’t called silencers, they are called suppressors – it’s not possible to completely silence a gunshot, just suppress some of the noise. I’m not entirely sure if there’s a laser sight available for that model, but I probably wouldn’t be necessary since the effective range is less than a hundred meters. And why would that make him happy? He pilots a mecha! IT HAS MISSILES AND A BIG-ASS KNIFE!

what’ Tamaki couldn’t understand what he’s saying. “Hmm, I know what to do! Kyouya close the Host Club for today.”

So that was your entire plan? Spend half an hour dressing Mori-senpai up in drag, give Sousuke a couple of over-the-top yet generic lines to memorize, and then turn him loose? That is a frickin’ terrible plan.

The next day

:repeatedly masses Fast Forward button:

Go faster, dammit!

Kaname was walking to the host club to see how the lessons had gone.

That barely counted as a lesson.

As she was walking to the 3rd music room she heard two girls talking.

“Did you hear? they have a new Host Club member.” a girl said to her friend.

“Yeah he is apparently the ‘soldier’ type.” her friend said.

That’s a type of host? Really? Are there than many girls in this school who enjoy listening to Sousuke’s awkward stutterings or his extended rambles on about complex military matters delivered in a dry monotone? I mean, a man in uniform does have a certain appeal – but all the boys wear uniforms.

And if Sousuke is supposed to be the |soldier” type, then why did they spend all that time teaching him things better suited for a “princely” type like Tamaki-senpai?

“I heard he was real cute!” Said the other giggling.

While I don’t find him handsome enough to tempt me, he does have very fine eyes.

“Good grief I can’t believe people are really interested in this Host Club stuff” Kaname said shaking her head.

That’s probably something you should have questioned long before this point in time.

“Tell me about it.” a voice said behind her.

Kaname turned and saw Haruhi there smiling at her.

“Hey you are Haruhi aren’t you?”

“Yup I’m on my way to the Host Club right now so if you want you could join me.”

“I was headed there myself so I could check up on Sousuke.”

They talked peacefully with each other until they got to the room.

“So. It’s your second day of school.”

“Yeah.”

“How are … things?”

“Bland and nondescript.”

“Good, that’s good.”

“Yes.”

“Yeah.”

Kaname walked in and was amazed at how many girls there were in the room just now.

Are you not aware of how a host club works? Because outside of certain fanfics, they cater to a predominantly female clientele.

“Ah, Haruhi you are needed hurry on.” Kyouya said to Haruhi.

Crack that whip, Kyoya-senpai!

As soon as Haruhi was gone Kyouya turned to Kaname “You may look but only look unless you are willing to pay for a host which costs 97390 yen

:THWACK!:

No numerals!

According to Google that would be a little over eight hundred and fifty dollars, which seems like a steep price to charge someone to drink a little tea with a handsome boy even when you consider that this is a school filled with rich people.

in which case you will then meet with your prefered host it costs four times as much for a private meeting,

That would be :does math: approximately thirty-five hundred dollars for this “private meeting” with a host. I think the author has confused the host club with a high-priced boy-brothel.

According to the terms of Haru-chan’s agreement with the host club, her debt of approximately seventy-five thousand dollars will be forgiven if she can get one hundred private appointments booked. If those private appointments cost only a third of the “non-private meetings” (whatever the hell those are supposed to be) then they would be a bit less than two hundred a piece. That still seems expensive to me, but more in the price range of a rich schoolgirl.

if you need anything just ask me, but don’t do it just to see me or you won’t be allowed back.” Kyouya explained the rules of the club to her.

That’s not the rules of the host club; that’s technically prostitution. The host club works on a points system; Kyoya-senpai runs a website where small personal items of the hosts (each assigned a specific number of points) are auctioned off. The girls who purchase the points can then “spend” them on the host of their choice.

Kaname looked around and saw Sousuke sitting with four other girls. He didn’t look that comfortable.

:headdesk:

Because he’s socially awkward and doesn’t interact well with girls! Seriously, why is he even doing this? There’s no incentive for him to be in the host club.

She decided to see how he handled being a host.

I assume the answer will be “very poorly”. He’d probably prefer to be a host to a parasite than what he’s doing right now.

“So Sousuke-Kun how is it being in the host club.” A girl said to him.

“I..It’s going well Ma’am.” Sousuke said.

Despite all signs to the contrary.

“You know you have real pretty eyes Sousuke?” another girl said.

:blinks:

Dude, that is eerie as hell! I was just misquoting Austen before.

“I, have been told that yes ma’am.” Sousuke replied.

By who, Gauron?

“You seem rather nervous Sous-kun” The first teased.

:headdesk:

I’ve covered the syllabic nature of the Japanese language (and Japanese nicknames specifically) before, so I’ll just call bullshit on this and move on.

“No ma’am I am ready to…entertain you ladies.” Sousuke said sweating.

This cannot end well.

“Oh you are cute.” yet another girl gushed.

Is he? The audience has yet to get any kind of description for any of these characters or the setting.

Kaname giggled a bit at Sousuke’s expense.

Ha-ha! He’s socially awkward! It’s funny because it’s happening to someone else.

“Isn’t Sousuke being such a great host.” a suave familiar voice said in her ear.

Well, he hasn’t vomited from fear yet.

Kaname turned and saw Tamaki was watching Sousuke in admiration.

That’s a bit unsettling.

“It is good to know that my son is willing to go beyond his comfort zone in order to please our guests.” Tamaki said with a slight flourish

Ummmm, what? If Sousuke is Tamaki-senpai’s “son” in the same way that Haru-chan is Tamaki-senpai’s “daughter”, then things are going to get a little weird.

“You know you’re pretty weird.” Kaname said raising her eyebrows.

That’s a frickin’ understatement.

Tamaki smiled “That we all are, Kaname-chan.” Tamaki took her hand and kissed it.

That’s also an understatement. The members of the host club are almost caricatures of anime stereotypes.

Kaname blushed and smiled turning to look back at Sousuke who looked like he was about to feint from how close the girls were getting “A little weirdness isn’t so bad.”

Except Sousuke’s weirdness usually involves weaponry and the potential for grevious bodily harm.

Tamaki looked at her with amusement “You like him do you not?”

Kaname turned an interesting shade of red and Tamaki found himself on the floor with Kaname holding a paper fan.

“I Don’t like him, Okay!” She yelled.

Where was she hiding that fan?

Kaname does tend to protest very strongly whenever anyone suggests that she likes Sousuke, but this seems like an exceptionally strong reaction even by her standards.

“Huh where’d he go?” the girls behind her said.

“Kaname is there a problem.” Sousuke said appearing right next to her with a gun in hand.

“Oh, please say there’s a problem and I can blast the blond idiot!”

“No Sousuke just go back to the girls I’m alright.” Kaname said sighing.

:Ghostie and Sousuke curse in Japanese:

Sousuke nodded and turned back to the girls and groaned a bit.

He groaned at the girls? And they think he’s doing a good job?

Tamaki chuckled a bit “He does seem to care about you a great deal however you feel about him.”

A conclusion Tamaki-senpai is basing solely on his witnessing a grand total of three brief interactions between the two – most involving Sousuke over-reacting and drawing a gun on someone and/or Kaname smacking Sousuke upside the head with a paper fan. I know what their relationship should be, because I’m familiar with the canon, but Tamaki-senpai doesn’t have access to the same information. I don’t think he could reach this conclusion based on just the information available in this fic.

Kaname turned away from him “Idiot” but she did have a small smile on her face.

Tamaki rubbed his chin ‘Interesting.’

Liar. Nothing in this fic has been interesting.

And now, the ending Author’s Note!

Well that’s this chapter,

Such as it is.

I’m trying to get back into fanfiction a bit at a time, first I’m going to update this story a bit.

I hope that update involves actual settings and character descriptions, but it’s probably just some useless DLC of horse armor or something like that. I might be thinking of a different kind of ‘update’, though.

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22 Comments on “1695: Panic! In the Host Club – Chapter 2”

  1. BatJamags says:

    So I’ve been watching the old Gundam series thanks to this Dynasty Warriors Gundam I got right now I’m watching Zeta gundam, and I need to say this, I don’t like the AUEG, They preach how they want to save the Earth’s environment by getting people off the Earth, cool. A few episodes later they are going to drop a Nuclear bomb on their enemy base which they said themeselves would ruin the local environment…yah, and this is without going into how f**ked they were in the DM: G game where I can’t go into that without spewing forth an entire page of crap.

    OK, so this could be all gibberish and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, but I’m pretty sure this is another author who thinks their authors’ notes are a personal blog.

  2. BatJamags says:

    “Did Tama-chan bring someone to play with?” The little kid said jumping with joy.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Suddenly the little kid jumped in front of Kaname waving his bunny at her.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Who do you think is more bored, Mori-senpai or the audience?

    The audience.

  5. SC says:

    So I’ve been watching the old Gundam series thanks to this Dynasty Warriors Gundam I got right now I’m watching Zeta gundam, and I need to say this, I don’t like the AUEG, They preach how they want to save the Earth’s environment by getting people off the Earth, cool. A few episodes later they are going to drop a Nuclear bomb on their enemy base which they said themeselves would ruin the local environment…yah, and this is without going into how f**ked they were in the DM: G game where I can’t go into that without spewing forth an entire page of crap.

    …Oh, but an entire paragraph of crap is perfectly serviceable, you know.

  6. SC says:

    ONWARD MORTALS!

    *The Specs and Co. continue to laze about and do nothing*

    …Uh, the author said-

    Specs: Immortal.

    Oh right, that.

  7. SC says:

    He’s just allowed to walk around with a gun out and no one has done anything about it? Not even to ask if it’s a toy?

    I mean, I let Shades walk around with a gun out, so…

    Shades: *snerk* Yeah, you “let” me.

  8. SC says:

    Well, you are currently being held down by a large man, so … Use your imagination.

    “I know I am.”

    :spritzes Syl with spray bottle: GET OUT, SYL!

    :Syl hisses and retreats into the rafters:

    Dammit. Now I’ll have to go get the broom to get her down. Meh. I’ll do it later.

    Undeniable proof that you two have been hanging around each other too much.

    Glasses: Nuh-uh.

  9. Delta XIII says:

    Well, you are currently being held down by a large man, so … Use your imagination.

    “I know I am.”

    :spritzes Syl with spray bottle: GET OUT, SYL!

    How’d she even get in there? Come on, Ghostie, haven’t you ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!

    • GhostCat says:

      I think you’re forgetting who you are talking about – this is Syl . She sees a triple – bolted self-sealing bulkhead door as a challenge.

      • Delta XIII says:

        …I make the most obvious Panic! At The Disco reference I can think of, and it just completely slips past you.
        It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!
        *runs away, sobbing melodramatically*

      • GhostCat says:

        Your mistake was assuming I know anything about Panic! At The Disco.

        I was a bit disappointed that the author didn’t make a reference in the fic title, but for some reason they went with “in” instead of “at”.

      • SC says:

        Specs: Why is the disco panicking?

        Contacts: Please shut the fuck up immediately.

  10. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Sigh… Not only did he put something completely unrelated in the author’s note, but he messes up AEUG’s name? Ugh.

  11. AmyXFuckShitOTP says:

    Are they just going to ignore the scuffle happening near them in the Void?

    Yeah, that sorta thing doesn’t usually turn out too well


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