37: Music Child – Chapter Eight

Title: Music Child
Author: Writer.of.the.gods
Media: Book and/or Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Adventure/Humor is what it’s listed as…
URL: Music Child: Chapter Eight
Critiqued by Lyle

Chapter Eight – I push Lavender and Parvati off my bed

Oh, hi there.  I didn’t see you at first.  You want to delve further in?  Are… are you sure?  Really?  *eyes shift side to the side for a moment as if looking for an escape route*  O… okay then.  Before we begin I need you to sign this waiver, though, releasing me from any brain damage you may receive when your head repeatedly hits your desk.

*shuffles the papers into a pile* Looks like that’s all in order then.

So, the last time we met, our heroine, an 11 year old musical prodigy named Minvera (because the author is incapable of spelling Minerva correctly… she hasn’t gotten it right once in the past seven chapters) has just arrived at Hogwarts to be sorted into her new house.

We start things off with a mixed narrative that implies that the author is now a student along with everyone else.

We all stood there, waiting for someone to take us to get sorted. While we were waiting, and me listening to Skillet’s Awake and Alive, rumors was spreading on how they were to get sorted. Miv snorted, some of them was really ridiculous.

Oink! Snort snort snuffle oink!

Then “the ghost” runs into them, which I would imagine would be painful if ghosts had physical form and weren’t merely ethereal vapors of their original selves.  There’s no mention which ghost this is, either.  For those who paid attention when they read the books or watched the movies, Hogwarts is home to many ghosts, none of which are simply referred to as “The Ghost.”

In addition to The Ghost, Professor McGonagall shows up, although there is also no specification on her name.  We merely get “the Transfiguration (somehow spelled correctly) teacher.”  Author mentions this is the one that shares Min’s name, although I have no idea which teacher goes by the name of “Minvera.”

The real Minerva ushers the children into the Great Hall, as is her duty.  Min-Max notes that she’s going to refer to McGonagall as “Minnie” now, which really just messes up my entire narrative as that’s my nickname for Minnie-Sue here.  Damnation.

So everyone is sitting down… somewhere… while the sorting begins.  Never mind that all the new first years are supposed to stand at the front of the room until they are sorted into Houses.  I guess they added a new table since I read the books?  Mivvy is listening to her iPod (*sigh*) too loudly to hear her name called and has to be prodded by Ron, whom she snaps at to stop poking her.  Now, looking even more like an ass, she heads up to the front of the room to be sorted.

The Sorting Hat hits her head and silence breaks out across the room.  Everyone stares.  Gasp! Something extremely magnificent is about to happen!

“Look this way.” A mans voice came from her right. She gasp, and the hat on her head vanished. She pulled her dagger and wand. The mans hands raised up in surrender.

Whatever is this?!  My Spidey-Sue senses are tingling!

“Wow.. calm down. I am the Sorting Hat, just in a different form.” He said.

*Headdesk*

The Sorting Hat in human form.  Seriously?  What. The. Hell.  Well, let’s see what he has to say since he found it necessary to somehow anthropomorphize himself.

He introduces himself as “Rodrick” and tells her that he hasn’t taken human form in centuries and has only done so now due to her destiny… which, of course, he can’t tell her anything about because it “messes with the Time Line,” to which Min-Miv replies “Well, F*** the time line.”  A very accurate description of this story’s treatment of canon and probably the best summary of this entire piece of literary excrement that I’ve seen yet:

Music Child – Fuck the Timeline

After some drivel about her needing to trust Snape and Slughorn (who doesn’t appear until Book 6…) the Man-Hat tells “Minevera” (closer, but still way off) that she has to trust people “who really love.”   How… poetic?  Anyway, after this pointless tangent, he turns back into a hat, pops himself onto her head, and “time continued.”

Oh, so time froze for this little interlude?  That’s… weird.  Usually when out of the ordinary things happen around a Mary Sue, there are at least five people who witness it so they can fawn over her when it’s all said and done.

Rodrick the Headgear (I’m totally making this one of my customized Munchkin Cards!  He gives a +1 combat bonus and is useable by Wizards and Bards only (because he randomly breaks into song).  He also doubles as a Minion and can be thrown at a monster for automatic escape; however you will lose Rodrick the Headgear if you do this) sorts her into Gryffindor (well duh) and she goes back to her seat.  There’s more pointless mention of her fancy electronic music device.

The sorting finishes after more mention of songs that haven’t come out yet and the food arrives.  For some reason, her eating manners (oink oink) remind Ron of his own family and he jokes about her being related to them.  She says that she’s not unless her dad was related to them.  This prompts a very eloquent question from Harry.

“Who is, wait. You said was.” Harry said.

Sentence not, dance. Putting it order, stroganoff.

Somehow, Manilla understands what Harry so succinctly asked and tells everyone her father was murdered by Death Eaters.  Then she blocks them out by turning up her music all the way.  Too bad she doesn’t break her ear drums.  Wait, did I type that?

Anyway, the feast ends and, without any sort of scene break or indication that time was passing, we go from her sitting in the Great Hall to laying on her bed.  Lavender, one of the other girls, dares to call her “Minevera” ( *twitches*) and she flips out at them.  Regardless of her Bitch-Aura, Lavender attempts to get Minimal to talk with them and get to know them, since they will all be in class together for the next seven years.

She declines and Parvati sits on Min’s bed and asks the Musical Prodigy why she talks so weird.  We are, once more, enlightened to the fact that she has a Southern American accent.  Because, you know, we totally spaced on that from last chapter… and the chapter before… and the chapter before… and so on.  I’m fairly certain her accent is mentioned in every flipping chapter.

This leads to Lavender and Parvati getting excited and Min thus literally kicks them off her bed.  She scolds them about jumping on her bed and also tells them that they talk weird.  She pulls her curtains closed and pets her cat, which is suddenly named Fighter, and she decides she needs to teach her new roommates “American Culture.”  It ends with:

And they say Americans are weird, have they looked at themselves? They don’t have Star bursts!

Can I hit her now?  Please?

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