2441: Halloween Oneshots – Spooptoberfest Part OnePosted: October 2, 2019
Hello, patrons! Welcome back to the continuing Spooptoberfestivities! Today we’ll be adding two more little oneshots to the Library’s pile of spooky, spooky failure. The first is a Halloween oneshot, not just the holiday, but also the titular movie taking place on the holiday! Though, honestly, to call this thing a fanfic is tarnishing the good name of such epic masterpieces of “untold zombie chronicels.”
You’ll understand why this one is bad pretty much right away when I show you the summary.
That’s the entire summary. And it’s a tragedy/angst fic, so who wants to bet we get something with either My Chemical Romance or Evanescence. Brace yourselves, patrons, we’re going in hot!
The black is the lyrics, and the regular is the thoughts/actoins.
The italics are just there to throw you off the scent of any kind of coherency. Not that coherency will be a big thing for this fic.
Playground school bells wring
Welp, we’re off to a good start.
And, sadly, I was correct, it’s an Evanescence song.
They are all gone… Why are the all gone?
See, this is why I always buy the next bag of gummy worms before the current one runs out.
*Eliza charges into the room*
I think that’s a little too hopeful for a songfic. But it is an 80’s-era a slasher inspired fic, so maybe MrGuyMan will be trying to kill GirlWoman.
“I’ll get the popcorn!”
Rain clouds come to play
He took hem away… Why did he do that?
Well, a growing boy sometimes needs the extra length.
*Swenia starts to push the PPMS into the room*
I’m talking about pants, you magnificent pervert!
*Eliza arrives back with a comically large tub of popcorn* “Is this MrGuyMan or GirlWoman.”
Well, it’s ‘again me,’ so probably GuyMan cast as Murder-san.
“Booo!” *Throws popcorn at the fic*
Has no one told you shes not breathing?
She got in her car, and drove.
“Are you sure it’s MrGuyMan?”
No longer quite so sure, no. It really could be a small, elderly woman from north-east of Los Angeles for all the information we’ve been given.
Hello, I’m your mind
“Hi! I’ve got some popcorn heading your way, brain!”
Those are the lyrics, not your actual brain. Also, I’m pretty sure your bucket is filled with pork rinds.
“Gumdrop calls it ‘super popcorn.'”
Of course he does.
Theirs no time for the radio
“Did you give our lack of time to the radio again?”
How could I know it wasn’t going to give the no time back!?
Giving you someone
*MrGuyMan comes shooting out of the fic*
“BOOOOO!” *Eliza throws popcorn at him*
Don’t you have a gruesome murder you should be doing or something?
*MrGuyMan shrugs then climbs his way back into the fic*
Theirs no time for life.
Before you say anything, it was an attempt at immortality.
“Did it work?”
Sorta, I was immortal but felt like I was perpetually sitting in a dentist office waiting room until I took the no time back.
To talk to…
What about its Halloween?
“It’s a very nice Halloween that it has.”
That sentence hurt me.
If I smile and don’t believe
She got out of the car.
Soon I know Ill wake
Police cars rush past her
From this dream
To the people he killed.
Come to think of it, what the hell does the song have to do with what’s going on? As a montage, this wouldn’t make any damn sense! The song is about the Amy Lee’s younger sister who died of an unknown illness when she was young. Here we have Laurie Strode fleeing from Mike Meyers. Talk about conceptual dissonance!
Don’t try and fix me
Trying to catch him
I’m not broken
Like they can.
“I love that movie!”
Meh, I’d have liked it more if it had spent more time focused on the intricacies of check fraud detection and prevention.
“You also thought The Imitation Game needed to focus more on the mathematics of cryptography.”
Well it did!
Hello, I’m the lie
“Hi, the lie! So, if you admit you’re the lie, does that make you not a lie? In which case you’re telling the truth and you actually are a lie! But, if you’re a lie, then-”
I’m going to stop you right there.
She walked into the Myers house
I was going to say that is a tremendously stupid thing to do with Mike on the prowl, but then I realized she’s at the Myers house and probably just poking around hoping to find a Stroopwafel.
Living for you so you can hide
And went up stares
*Taco and Eliza look intently above the fic*
She sat on the floor.
Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping!
She pulled out the knife, his knife.
Ugh, I’m getting a hyper-edgelord seppuku vibe here.
“How did she end up with his knife?”
Well, you know Mike, he’s always setting it down and then losing it. Like my coffee.
Hello I’m still here!
*Eliza waves* “Hi! Boy, there sure are a lot of greetings in this fic. One of the most friendly we’ve read!”
Micheal Myers came in the room, prepared for a fight.
*Swenia starts wheeling the PPMS into the room*
“Oh, can you play something with a lot of tuba! I’m in a polka mood today!”
*Swenia scowls at Eliza and pushes the PPMS out of the room*
All thats left…
She put the knife in front of her, and looked into his eyes
I have a bad feeling about this.
And slit her trough.
“Not the trough! Where will the horses drink now!?”
Hey, her trough knows what it did.
I hope you liked it.
It was terrible, but I will say that I don’t think anyone saw the ending coming. I’m not sure why you went with GirlWoman slicing her manger, but it was definitely unexpected.
Its set the halloween after Halloween one.
And on that highly incomprehensible note, let’s move on to the next Halloween fic.
Next up is a short Buffy: The Vampire Slayer fic that has the dubious claim to fame of having almost half its total vertical length being taken up with the header and author’s notes. There’s also no Buffy. Instead:
Spike and Xander celebrates Halloween in LA.
I should have kept the summary a secret. Let’s start in on this header!
Title: Halloween in LA
Disclaimer: Not mine, as usual; if you find them on eBay let me know, cuz I’m buying…
Feedback: Give me give me give me…please?
You probably aren’t going to like the feedback, but you can follow along below if you really want it.
Author’s Notes: This a short Halloween fic, but there might be a sequel if I have any ideas…
“Was there a sequel?”
I mean, sorta. The author has a sizable pile of tiny Spike/Xander oneshots for the various holidays. They’re all pretty similar, but you could consider them all a continuation of the theme.
Big thanks to Beetle for the Beta
At least now we have somebody to blame. Well, somebody else to blame. With the header finally out of the way, we finally arrive at the fic proper.
Spike straightened his collar before he went out to see his lover. He took a deep breath and stepped out into the Hyperion’s hallway.
Which is italicized for some reason despite being the name of a hotel and not like a book or movie or something.
“Maybe he stepped into the Dan Simmons novel.”
If only, then this might be good.
Leaning against one of the other doors stood a hot, dark-haired guy clad in leather.
“He wouldn’t be so hot if he wasn’t wearing so much leather!”
Cultivating the look takes precedence over comfort. Always.
Spike swallowed and walked towards the other man, whose dark eyes found his in an instant, then slowly roamed over Spike’s body.
Son-of-a- Somebody get the eye-swatter!
Also in italics.
“It gives the word emphasis so it stands apart from the other words that aren’t in that sentence!”
So much lust packed into one word.
You two do know you’re in a hotel. It’s mostly abandoned so ‘getting a room’ would be pretty easy. Just saying.
Spike had to swallow again before he could respond.
“That doesn’t sound very much like Spike.”
Yeah, I’ve noticed that a lot of Buffy fanfic writers have no idea how to write Spike. He’s either bashful and indecisive (like here), the token SUPER-BRITISHMAN!, a mega edgelord, or just they just plop him in to go around trying to insult everyone with really lame one-liners. To be fair, he’s a bit of a difficult character to write, but that doesn’t really excuse writing him totally out of character. Spike is not bashful or prone to second-guessing himself. If you’re writing spike as anything other than maddeningly self-assured (with some exceptions), then you’re doing Spike wrong.
Not italics, so not packed with extra lust.
The younger man caressed Spike’s velvet-clad chest and murmured, “Big, bad, sexy vampire…”
There’s literally a room right behind Spike.
“And behind Xander!”
As mentioned before, it’s a fucking hotel, so get a room. Or, hell, get a few rooms.
Spike leaned in and kissed Xander thoroughly. Cold arms circled a warm body and Xander sighed happily.
Not judging, but the whole ‘sleeping with somebody who feels like a corpse’ thing has always struck me as a big nope. Though I’m not sure if it’s better or worse than sleeping with somebody who feels like a statue.
Someone nearby cleared his throat and, with one last lingering kiss, Xander and his vampire lover turned to face the third person.
Please tell them to get a room, please tell them to get a room, please tell them to get a room.
“You are very invested in them getting a room.”
I am very invested in this hotel being a hotel!
A couple seconds later, both of them burst out laughing.
“And then fade to black?”
Not quite yet, but almost.
Xander finally gathered his thoughts. “You really did call Anya for advice didn’t you?”
Wait, not to spoil a show nearly 20 years old, but Anya should be dead by now.
“Well, this is Buffy. Weirder things than talking with the dead have happened.”
Okay, I’ll give you that one.
Angel smiled knowingly and reached up to adjust the foreign object on his head.
Aha! A th- object!
“Don’t you dare touch that!” Spike’s voice contained more than its fair share of threat and laughter.
“That’s not nice! Now you give some of that threat and laughter back so that other voices can have it!”
Do what she says, dude, the glitter requires multiple respawns to wash off.
“This is too bloody perfect!”
*Taco shrugs and makes a noncommittal noise*
And who could argue?
*Taco and Eliza both raise hands*
Where did you get that hand?
“Found it! Think it belonged to a DRD agent at some point.”
Angel certainly didn’t. He was to busy ignoring the slightly crooked, fuzzy ears on his head as he walked down to the lobby in his brand new, pink playboy bunny suit.
“But the suit is normally black.”
That’s your first reaction to this?
“Authenticity is important to a good costume!”
So, to rewind a second:
Feedback: Give me give me give me…please?
Okay, first off, if you’re going to write a fanfiction, please have a point. This fic absolutely had no point, no plot, and only a very basic level of coherency.
Second, you really need to work on keeping your writing in character. Spike and Xander basically had traded personalities for this fic without any explanation or build up. If you need to, write down how the characters canonically act and use that as a template for your own writing.
Finally, if your fic has a header that’s nearly as tall as the actual body of you fic, then your fic has a good chance of being terrible. In this case, you mentioned that maybe you might do a sequel. Problem there is that you need a first fic for there to be a sequel. And you didn’t have a fic, you had a single scene of pure padding just existing in a vacuum. It’s like if I cropped out two paragraphs of “True Force,” added a big ol’ header, and called it a fanfic.
“At least the spelling was correct!”
This is true, at least your beta reader was able to keep your spelling and grammar pretty good. However, you need a better beta reader since I think all Beetle did was check your SPaG and not any of the arguably more important things like having a plot, accurate characterization, a recognizable setting, a point, etc.
“Making sure the bunny suit is black.”
Let it go, dude. Anyway, thanks for reading and I’ll catch you next week!
“We should do something nice for GirlWoman after that fic. You do woodworking, right? Maybe you could make her a new trough!”
Oh no, not after she stabbed the last one like that. But, I may consider making her a small basin of some kind if she promises not to bring anything sharp near it.