1157: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Seven, Part Two

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by SC, Glasses, Ozzy, Rose and Sir Paulo Rori

*sigh*

Paulo: Still struggling with yourself, I take it?

I really don’t want to riff this part, Paulo. I really don’t. I don’t even want to look at it.

Paulo: Due to a character of your fancy being involved?

This entire part is about San. I don’t want to see what disgusting things Stone-Man85 did to her, man.

Paulo: If it should provide you any consolation, you will have the four of us at your side.

You completely forgot what Glasses was like, didn’t you.

Paulo: No, but her children will be-

Her children are exactly the same as her, with the addition of being egotists like their father.

Paulo: …Once we have cleared the hurdle that is chapter ten, Sir Herr will rend Stone-Man85 asunder with his wrath?

…I guess I can force my way through this for that sake. I will suffer immensely, though.

~ONE HOUR LATER~

Glasses: I just can’t get over how adorable you two little kittens are!

Ozzy and Rose: Mooom…

Glasses: Did you two make sweet little mews when you were babies?

Ozzy: No, mom.

Glasses: Were you born as kittens, or peoples?

Rose: That… that’s not even grammatically sound, mom. And we were born as peoples.

Glasses: Can you at least turn into cats or something?

Ozzy: No, and I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t want to, either. Frankly, I don’t get why the internet has such a hard-on for cat people anyhow. It’s a miracle we didn’t get hit by your weird issue where you turn into a baby at random. Do you know how awkward our childhoods were because of that? “Hey Rose, mom’s throwing her Spaghetti-Os around again.”

Rose: And dad said that your pregnancy was the most stressful thing he lived through because you could have randomly turned into a pregnant toddler at any time and probably have horrible things happen to all three of us.

Glasses, dejected: …Isn’t there anything of me that I gave you two?

Ozzy: Our porn preferences.

Rose: My love of really big, impractical axes.

Ozzy: Our eyes are golden.

Rose: I like yarn!

Ozzy: Pretty sure I picked up your phobia of mice.

Glasses: …Aww! I knew you two were my babies!

*Glasses hugs both her children and administers gentle noogies*

Ozzy and Rose: …Mooom…

…So, hey. Hate to break up the family reunion, but you were supposed to be here ages ago. I’ve kinda just been sitting here wallowing in my own dismay for an hour or so.

Ozzy: Blame mom. She dragged us to the coffee shop and made us tell her everything.

What the hell, Glasses, we were saving that for the riff.

Glasses: I couldn’t just not know!

Paulo: I do hope this has not deprived us of our commentary this week; from Sir SC’s claims, this segment stands to be quite arduous.

Rose: Oh don’t worry, we only told her the family stuff. There’s still plenty of other crap we can use for this.

And on that note…

Deep breaths, SC…

*the sharpest of inhales*

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Fuckbag-Dickwad McGee- damn it, I mean Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and I’m suffering for your benefit like Jesus was crucified for my sins! …Fuuuck, I mean, and last time, uh… shit happened, I don’t know. I don’t know and I just want this done, so fuck it, let’s just jump into this.

…But not here, of course. A better in-jumping spot would be:

Elsewhere

Glasses: Yeah, this spot’s all gross anyhow. Nobody scooped the mulch out of the pile from the last time it rained.

Ozzy: Shoddy leaf pile maintenance. For shame.

The hell are you two on about?

Paulo: How have we transgressed to frolicking in autumn leaf piles? What brought this on?

Rose: We also picked up mom’s habit of going completely off the rails with her jokes.

Paulo and SC: Oooooooh…

…Out of curiosity, would these rails happen to be,

On the Mountains

Ozzy: Depends on the mountains.

Fair enough! Moving on!

A caravaan was approaching down a dirt trail on the side of the mountain, carrying with it a supply of rice.

Glasses: Does Stone-Man85 not realize that Japan’s cuisine is way more than just rice?

Could be a village caravan. Usually, rice would be standard fare in villages.

Ozzy: They’d still bring more stuff with them, though.

They would, yeah.

Watching them from afar, going completely unnoticed by miles of dead forest, was a girl crouched down like an animal and looking at them.

*long-suffering sigh*

…Hi, San.

Let’s… before we get into this… let’s throw up a picture to remind people what San looks like.

This be San.

This be San.

The girl was around sixteen,

Fifteen. Look up the friggin’ canon, why don’t you.

Asian decent due to her skin, which was amazingly similar to porcelain.

No shit, she was born in Japan. You do NOT need to continue clarifying this.

Her frame was slim, slender, yet surprisingly very powerfully built.

The term is athletic, dumbass.

She had dark, ebony hair cut just below her neck line, but was crowned with a single ornamental band with a white jewel in the center.

Her hair is brown, or green depending on the lighting, and her hairband is just a black thread with a white jewel inlaid in it. There’s nothing ornamental about it.

What’s my score at, right now?

Rose: Oh, are we doing a temporary counter for San?

Yes.

Rose: Well then…

*Rose slaps a buzzer four times*

Shit You Got Wrong About SC’s Waifu: 4

…Really.

Rose: You were getting really upset, I wanted to help the mood a bit.

Well, I guess you’re not entirely wrong; San is pretty much the closest any anime character has ever come to being named “waifu” by me.

Paulo: Dare I ask what that word means?

Sound it out.

Paulo: …I see. It is a phonetic translation of “wife.”

Yep, in Japanese. A lot of words that end with consonants in English are often phonetically written and capped off with a “u” in Japanese, and it’s pronounced like a very quick, barely noticeable “oo” sound. So, like, Specs’ name in Japanese might be “Supeksu” or something like that. Talk to Ghostie about it, I’m sure she can give you a much more in-depth explanation.

On her beautiful face, where her amber brown eyes looked down at the caravan, were three triangular red tattoos that marked her cheeks and forehead.

It’s war paint, jackass. Designed like fangs.

She had polished bone jewelry that dangled on her ears and around her neck.

My God, that’s the only detail about her he’s gotten correct so far.

She wore a blue and tattered blue dress with on top of it an equally tattered white sleeveless shirt. Thin leather bands that were looped around each of her biceps; the girl’s arms were completely uncovered.

I feel like we might classify her overshirt as a short tabard of sorts. I mean, if you look at it, it FASTENS at the sides, rather than being sewn seam-to-seam.

Glasses: All told, though, she has a very pretty outfit. Not sure where she got any of it from, given that she is the definition of Wild Child, or why she would even be caught dead wearing human clothing, but hey.

If you think about it, her outfit in Muromachi Japan would be what we view cavemen loincloths as. Remember, this was a period where women practically wore bedsheets just to go to the market, and even that could have been considered burlesque.

Paulo: Her outfit bears a strong resemblance to something I might see my wife wearing, actually. And Cassia upholds modesty as a practice of life. If San’s outfit is considered the attire of troglodytes, then formal ladies’ wear in Muromachi Japan must truly have been absurd.

Well, you were here when we discussed Japanese noblewomen’s standard look, remember?

Paulo: Oh goodness, I do! And it WAS absurd! I recall we all commented about how difficult it must have been for her to breathe on a humid day!

Yep. Even peasant women wore huge, baggy outfits. So San could basically be considered naked, for what it’s worth.

She also wore white skinned moccasins of sorts tied to her ankles, and a white fur cloak that was draped over her back.

As opposed to tied around her waist, right?

Ozzy: Now that would be a tripping hazard.

Rose: It’s hard to look dignified when taking your rage out on humankind if you’re constantly eating shit every two steps.

Whoever this girl was, she was the visage of a savage beauty.

Which, I’m guessing, was Hayao Miyazaki’s intent, so mission accomplished.

The cold winds of dawn brushed roughly against the girl’s scowling face and whipped through her ebony hair.

Her hair is NOT BLACK.

*SC slaps the counter

OW, JESUS! YOU MONSTER! YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!

I’ll smack you again!

Shit You Got Wrong About SC’s Waifu: 5

As she crouched silently with her back arched forward and her nimble hands planted firmly on the ground, she stared down the slope of the mountain. Through the skeleton forests of dead trees and the blankets of fog, she could just barely make out the elongated shape of a caravan as it slithered across the mountain face like loathsome viper. When the girl sniffed at the air she could smell the caravan’s oxen, the steam coming from that iron carriage, as well as the humans who led them along the winding path.

Well, I’ll give him credit, so far Stone-Man85 is doing a good job of setting up a pretty intense scene. Now if only he weren’t using his stupid slut noblewoman OC in place of, oh you know, Lady Eboshi, who was the leader of the caravan San attacked in canon. (I swear to God, if he retconned Eboshi out of the canon, too…)

She detested those three smells. Oxen she could tolerate to a point, the steam was nothing more but a tickle to the nose, but the smell of a human…that was something that would always sicken her whenever it touched her nose.

I pretty fucking highly doubt that San would be able to smell steam. It’s just evaporated water.

A human’s scent, a potent odor which permeated the air whenever one was near, was always a nauseating mixture of their sweat, smoke from their iron works, the strong smelling liquid they called ‘saké’ they were always drowning themselves in, and in some cases, even their own filth. Out of all the things the girl hated about humans, it was that single aspect that made skin crawl.

Paulo: San would be thunderstruck if she ever happened to find herself in my homeland of Revelm. Even the peasantry take it upon themselves to keep their hygiene in check. One might even liken the scent of a Revelmese town to that of roses, and that is even in spite of the foul smells that still exist.

San would be thunderstruck to learn that humans exist who are actually civilized and give a shit about her troubles. Apart from Ashitaka, she’s only ever known the social outcast residents of Irontown, bandits, mercenaries, and whatever other types of people one might classify as “unsavory,” because all the major civilizations of Japan at the time weren’t anywhere nearby – and even if they were, the people living there would hear the rumors and never set foot inside – and the Daimyo-employed Samurai weren’t really present because they were trying to come up with a good way to get to Irontown without having to fight their way through the impossibly thick forest and risk being so badly bound up, lost or scattered as to be rendered incapable of fighting because their efforts would be laughable. I’m pretty sure if you ever introduced San to your homeland of Revelm, she’d faint from sheer disbelief.

Glasses: Or, hell, just introduce her to me!

Rose: Pretty sure she’d faint from suffocation after getting one of your bear hugs.

Ozzy: Or from getting her face stuffed with food.

Glasses: It’s not my fault that people handle being wuvved.

Paulo: Allow me to reconfirm for our readers that Lady Glasses is a grown woman.

…Who used to be a cat. You do the math.

Thunder suddenly rumbled through the sky drowning out the oxen’s pitiful cries of pain as their driver whipped them. The girl looked up at the rolling gray masses of clouds that loomed in the sky, and sniffed the air once more. “It looks like the rains have finally come,” she said.

“Finally?” San, this fic had established that, for whatever reason, it rains like every other hour in Japan. Why are you acting like it’s been years since the last rainfall?

Ozzy: Maybe it’s just really slow to show up during the rain hours.

Rose: The rain is lazy.

“I don’t want to be a force of nature today!”

Paulo: “I have no obligation for a downpour, I shall sleep in however long I wish! Begone, hag!”

Glasses: Might not want to say that to Mother Nature, though.

Yeah, she’ll kick the lazy right out of you.

“All the better,” replied a growling basso voice.

Basso?

What the hell are you doing here, bro?

What the hell are you doing here, bro?

Ozzy: Hey, if Basso’s here, Maybe Garrett can track down Alex and steal him out of this fic before he plagues the canon any worse?

You ask a lot of Garrett. Pretty sure after that incident with Erin, he wants nothing to do with people and plagues.

“When humans are forced to move about in the rain, their sense of logic becomes muddled which makes them falter.” A small chuckle followed shortly. “It seems that this will be easier than we first anticipated.”

Glasses: There are so many ways this is wrong.

There really are.

Just to clarify, though, he has it right in certain aspects – if the caravan has any firearms, the gunpowder they use is fucked the second the rain touches it. And if the dirt is loose enough, mud could be a hindrance. The sound of the rain could also drown out the incoming attack until it’s too late. But on the whole, rain making humans too stupid to fight for their own survival is, itself, a stupid claim, because humans are far too adaptable to situations like that for it to be true, and whichever wolf said that should feel bad for saying it.

“Pity,” came another voice.

…Is a word people hate having done to them, which is odd, because one of the definitions of pity is SYMPATHY.

But that’s neither here nor there.

Though not a deep and authoritive as the first, it still possessed an equally intimidating resonance in its tone.

Glasses: You know, when Specs gets to fighting, he kind of turns scary too.

Ozzy: Yeah, his face goes all stone-like, his voice gets this creepy monotone, and standing next to him is like standing next to an unstable, explosive substance waiting for an excuse to go up.

That would be Specs’ personality from his first life coming through a bit. He WAS born in an age of war, after all.

“I was hoping that this would be an actual challenge for once.” There was a short pause before the second voice add, What do you think, San?

Paulo: Would the narrator kindly stop addressing the cast?

Yeah, this isn’t a Specs and Co. fic! We have standards here!

Rose: It’s really sad that we’re used as an example of no standards.

Not you kids, no, just your parents.

Glasses: We really are shitlords.

The girl, San, did not answer, for her attention was focused on the advancing caravan below. She narrowed her piercing dark eyes and dug her fingers into the dirt. ‘I know you’re there,’ she thought to herself. ‘I can smell the aura that surrounds your soulless heart!’

Sorry, but I’m of the mentality that heart and soul are two separate entities.

Ozzy: Yeah, why else do you think that the person having it done to them is still alive when the villain rips their soul out?

The girl reached for the white sash wrapped around her waist and unsheathed a small sword dagger carved from bone.

NO.

IT IS NOT A “SWORD DAGGER.”

IT’S A FUCKING DAGGER.

YOU CAN’T HAVE BOTH.

*SC slams his fist on the buzzer*

Why do you hate me…?

Don’t you make me tell you twice.

Shit You Got Wrong About SC’s Waifu: 6

As she looked at the weapon’s razor sharp edges, her scowl intensified. ‘I’ll let your dying eyes gaze upon it once I cut from your…’

San, I’m real happy for you, and I’ma let you finish, but if their eyes are dying, I’m pretty sure they won’t be able to see it, because once the eyes start to go, they go fast.

“San?”

San glanced to her right and saw the source of the two large voices.

Did you just call San’s brothers fat?

Paulo: How very rude. They did not insult your body shape, author.

Behind her were two large white wolves; almost as big as horses or a pair of moose.

This is a canon thing. Moro and her pack are fucking ENORMOUS for wolves. Big enough that Moro literally dwarfs any human she stands next to, and her pack could pull a plow if they were so inclined.

That speck you see is San.

That speck you see is San.

The first large wolf next to her; she looked to see the wolven face of the wolf that acted as her elder brother.

Are you for fuckin’ real?

Ozzy: How do you even WRITE something like that?

*This little fuck is making my job too easy, man…*

*The DRD half-heartedly kick the door in and trudge into the room*

…Should we even DO this, guys?

DRD agent: I’d rather not.

DRD Agent 2: That was the stupidest dumb thing I’ve ever seen with my eyes. I’ve been on the force for a long time, for ten years, and that was still awful.

Glasses: You wanna just… call it square, and we’ll try again on the next one?

DRD Agent 3: Yeah, fuck it. This one’s not even worth the effort or exertion.

Coffee in the break room.

*The DRD trudge back out, muttering gratitude*

Paulo: That was a truly pitiful display.

The DRD are very passionate about their work, stupid redundancies like that bum them out.

Rose: I can’t say that I blame them! Poor guys…

“What is it, Kiba?” she asked, returning her attention to the caravan.

Let it be known first off that Moro is the only one of the wolves who gets named. The other two are just kind of there. So whatever name Stone-Man85 comes up with, we can’t do anything else but accept it as canon for this fic’s purposes.

But that aside, who here wants to bet that he ripped the name Kiba straight from Naruto? Because:

Ladies and gentlemen: Kiba and his dog Akamaru.

Ladies and gentlemen: Kiba and his dog Akamaru.

Paulo: My, my. The resemblance is uncanny. It is as though this character, Kiba, was an envisioning of San, were she a boy.

And also a ninja with ninja dog powers, but that’s another matter entirely. To the surprise of none, Kiba is also my favorite character from Naruto, what of Naruto I managed to get through before I just quit being involved with it altogether.

What can I say? I like the “boy/girl and his/her dog” sort of plots.

Glasses: They are pretty charming.

See? Glasses knows what’s up.

*Glasses grins triumphantly*

The large wolf known as Kiba, was the ninth son of Moro,

Try FIRST. Moro only has two sons. It’s never once implied in-canon that her clan is numerous, because they live in a cave barely big enough to house all three of them, San and Ashitaka, they never attack in any group larger than four, and when Moro dies at the end of the movie, only her two sons and San are present to mourn her loss. If she had a large clan like you’re trying to claim, author, THEY WOULD HAVE ALL SHOWN UP FOR HER FUNERAL. She’s only the frickin’ clan leader!

And yes, I’m counting that on the buzzer, because it’s referring to San’s family (of sorts), which therefore includes her!

*SC hammers the buzzer*

Shit You Got Wrong About SC’s Waifu: 7 oh God the pain

looked down at the crouching girl and twitched his ears. Though he was not nearly as large as most of the older members of his species,

Of which there existed only two others that were of any direct concern to him…

the wolf possessed a powerful frame that was big enough to send most humans running for dear life. Like his younger brother, Tsume, Moro’s tenth son,

SECOND son, dumbass.

*SC smacks the buzzer*

Shit You Got Wrong About SC’s Waifu: 8

Also, Tsume roughly translates to “claw” in English. Amongst other translations, I’m sure.

Ozzy: Doesn’t sound quite as intimidating in Japanese, does it? “THE TSUME!” See? If I didn’t know what it was, I’d mistake it for like a sword or something.

Well, not every word in Japanese can really work a threatening undertone.

his coat was thick and silvery and soft to the touch. With a small growl, the large wolf gently nudged his furry muzzle against San’s shoulder, one of the only ways he knew how to show her affection without hurting her.

Oh, bullshit. She’s lived literally her entire life with these two, I’m pretty sure they’d know how not to cause her any unintentional harm more than just in a spare few ways. Hell, she probably figured out how to handle it herself – my grandpa’s dog is big enough to hurt me, but I can handle her playfulness just fine.

And yes, I’ll count that. As a, “you’re assuming San is too weak to handle her own brothers” explanation.

*SC lightly taps the buzzer*

Buh?

Figure I owe you this one.

Oh, okay.

Shit You Got Wrong About SC’s Waifu: 9

“You’ve been staring at that spot on the hill for hours,” he answered and laid flat on the ground beside her. “You’re beginning to worry us.”

San’s frown lessened and she ran her fingers through Kiba’s thick fur. She always knew that Kiba was the more sensible one; the smartest and most reasonable of the pack, unlike her and Tsume.

So THERE, Tsume. And San, too.

Rose: Neener-neener-neener.

Paulo: Ah, familial competition.

“I’m just thinking,” she said.

“About?”

What does God need with a starship?

“About why we’re just sitting here, waiting, while our enemies are wide open for an attack,” she answered as she snarled, “And why we’re not attacking while that gun woman’s out there…”

It’s a caravan. An armed caravan. Belonging to the slut noblewoman from earlier chapters. Who is the spearhead of a mercenary effort. Not only are you outnumbered, you’re outgunned. And if ” the gun woman ” is Eboshi – which, for what I know at this point, it could very well be – then she’s armed, and you’ve tangled with her enough times now that she knows better than anyone how to deal with you. Plus, SHE RUNS A TOWN FULL OF GUNMEN. Take a wild guess why you’re not attacking right now.

Kiba frowned slightly, “Because that’s what Mother told us to do,” he said. “We’re to wait for the exact moment She feels is the appropriate time to attack. Not before, not after.

And, as Kiba just said, you’re trying to coordinate an ambush anyhow, so sit your ass down, shut up and be patient.

Glasses: She kind of reminds me of when I was a rookie working for the Tabby Pride.

Paulo: I… beg your pardon? Do you mean to say that you have had military experience in your time?

Yeah, she does. Don’t know if I mentioned it before, but here’s the backstory: Glasses used to live in a world where animals were sentient creatures that lived in harmony with humankind as protectors. Apparently, they used weapons and knew magic and everything. Glasses was a cat born to a powerful warrior clan known as the “Hiss-Rowr” clan, which in her language I guess translates to Lionborn or something, and they were the sworn protectors of a family of knights. Well, as is common with knights, she was heavily trained in combat by her humans, and particularly excelled with axes. When she came of age in cat-years to make her own life choices, she decided to join up with a well-known cat mercenary band known as the Tabby Pride, Who made it their business to keep the outlying villages in the area safe from rodent criminals. From how Glasses tells it, she got pretty notorious working with the group, but in a good way… aaand then a mouse halberdier stabbed her through the heart during one clusterfuck of a mission, and she bled to death on the battlefield, which is why she has a deep-seated hatred of mice. She was twenty-eight years old in cat years. Then she came back to life, but something went haywire and she was reborn as a human; and in cat years, twenty-eight is equal to three human years, so that’s why Glasses randomly reverts back to a toddler for extended periods of time.

Paulo: That tale is as fascinating as it is strange.

Rose: Is THAT why you’ve been calling us kittens and asking us if we can turn into cats or stuff like that?

Glasses: Well, yeah! Because you are my LITERAL kittens!

Ozzy: Huh. Well, now I kind of regret saying being a cat would be weird.

Glasses: Aww, I forgive you… but yeah, back to what I was saying, San being impatient kind of reminds me of this one mission where the Tabby Pride was setting up an ambush against some rats-

Better known as thieves in her world, which is why she gives Contacts such a hard time.

[Well, shit. I thought she was just teasing me. Relentlessly. Nobody said anything about her thinking I was a rat in a past life. -Contacts]

[To be fair, you kind of were a rat in your past life. -Book Specs]

Glasses: Uh huh, and we were hoping to nail them at a tight passage where they wouldn’t have enough mobility to fight back, but at the time, I didn’t get that, and I kept wanting to jump out and get ’em when they were in my line of sight. Good that I didn’t, I’d have died a lot earlier. Those rats still made life hell for us, even though we had the clear high ground!

Paulo: I can not believe I am about to aid in the reminiscing of a cat’s glory days, but my curiosity is piqued. How great were their numbers?

Glasses: Oh, there were like thirty of them. Really well armed, too. I guess they were those thieves who preferred the very direct method of busting in and stealing everything while everybody is held hostage? In any event, they were some of the most organized rats I think I’ve ever seen. Like, they were probably part of some professional gig run by a large-scale crime family or something, that’s how organized they were. We nearly lost.

Paulo: I recall a similar tale of my own, shortly after I had resigned from knighthood. Nothing to do with an ambush, mind, but regarding the bit about unexpectedly well-prepared opponents. I was visiting my family home in the agricultural village where I was raised, and from the hills came what I had mistaken as a ragtag band of brigands. I moved to engage them, thinking the fight would end relatively easily, but I quickly found out that, in truth, they were a criminal band of ex-soldiers who had been cast out for crimes against their homelands. I very nearly lost my head, and my home village would have gone up in flames, were it not for a stroke of luck that saw a few squadmates from my old platoon wandering by at a moment of convenience. They rushed to my aid promptly, and within the hour we had pushed the fiends out of the region with grave losses and injuries. Not a single soul was lost in the village, and my father and mother led a celebratory feast in mind and my squadmates’ names. To this day, those brutes still have not shown their faces. I suppose word was quick to spread that Sir Paulo Rori and the knights of the 208th Platoon of the 56th Light Infantry Division were still alive and well, and ready to protect Revelm’s lands to the death, even in spite of the corruption running rampant in our own ranks.

Glasses: Wow~

Ozzy: Aw man, you’ve gone and made my mom get all doe-eyed!

Paulo: Yes, and it seems to not be a difficult feat to accomplish either. It certainly was not my endeavor, yet here we are. Such was the case at our first meeting, as well.

Your mom’s a flighty bird, kids.

Rose: Figures.

Glasses: Nuh-uh, I’m a cat!

Do I need to make a buzzer for your airheadedness?

He looked towards the neighboring mountain where he could just make out the white shape of their mother, Moro, which had not moved the slightest in last few hours.

Upon closer inspection, Moro had in fact turned to stone.

Rose: We here at the Library would like to apologize for the accidental casting of Stone upon Moro. Blame Contacts. Probably.

Ozzy: Your emergency shipment of Soft should arrive shortly.

“But you said it yourself,” San protested, jumping to her feet which caused her bone jewelry to rattle. “As soon as it begins to rain the humans will be practically helpless.” She looked at her wolven brother who just looked back at her. “We should strike now while the stupid humans have their guard down.”

San, we’ve previously established that the rain thing is stupid. And also, any human living in Muromachi Japan who knows the stories about you is not going to have their guards down until they reach safety. Come on, you’re better than this.

“Perhaps,” Tsume retorted, moving closer to his two siblings. The muscles in his powerful legs and back stretched and flexed as he crouched beside San, showing that he was more of a doer than a thinker,

Wut.

Glasses: What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Paulo: And how is the flexing of musculature in any way an indicator of action preceding contemplation? Out of armor, the Commandant has arms near the size of my own head and a body practically chiseled from stone, and yet he is perhaps the greatest strategical mastermind Revelm has ever seen!

Stone-Man85, do you have ANY capacity for thinking on more than one level?! This is dipping into absurdity, now!

“But to disobey Mother would not only be disrespectful, it would also be dishonorable. And without honor, a wolf is no better than a lowly and destructive human.”

Paulo: As I said before about San, one visit to Revelm would make Tsume eat his own words. Honor is at the forefront of all we do, more so now that the corruption that once plagued our knights has been expelled.

Hell, take a trip to an Imperial-employed Samurai base and he’d eat his words. Those guys kill themselves for NOT having honor, and especially so for DISGRACING someone’s honor.

Tsume’s last comment made San’s skin ripple and her hair began to rise with irritation. She hated waiting almost as much as she hated humans. But to be compared to a human, that was enough to send her into raging tantrum.

In fact, she gets SUPER pissed at the end of the movie because of that, I recall.

Unfortunately for San, one of her weakness was her incredibly short-temper. It was something she had acquired over the years living and surviving in the wild, and though not nearly as vicious as it had been during her younger years, was still frightfully untamed.

Which you would think Moro would have been quick to beat out of her early on, but I guess not.

“Why are we even debating this?” she asked, “We have a perfect opportunity to wipe out that entire caravan. So why not take advantage of that opportunity while we still can?”

Refer to previously stated reasons. Oh, and, San? You barely get away from Eboshi’s caravan with your skin in the movie, after Moro takes a shot that cripples her up until her death, and the only reason you got out of Irontown alive was because Ashitaka CARRIED you out after knocking you unconscious. Canonically, you’re really not as tough as you, in this fic, believe yourself to be.

Kiba laughed, exposing his sharp fangs,

I could be mistaken, but I recall that the animals spoke telepathically in the movie. The ones who were powerful enough to, anyhow. Feel free to correct me on that.

“You never change, do you, San?” he said, “You may be the Princess Mononoke, but you’re still as impulsive and stubborn as a freshly born cub.”

Ozzy: Hey author, only humans call her that. Moro and her clan refer to her by name, or by typical wolf vernacular – maybe – and nothing else.

Yeah, in case it slipped you by, author, Moro and her clan HATE HUMANS. This means, even using their terminology when speaking about themselves is a disgusting insult to them. Why in the hell would they use the term “Princess Mononoke” with this detail in play?

“I am not!” she retorted back, feeling like that was a challenge and letting her temper get the better of her.

“No?” The elder wolf retorted scoffing, “Then why are you so determined to diverge from our original strategy and disobey Mother’s instructions?”

Glasses: Because she’s a bad kitty.

Rose: She lives with a clan of wolves, mom.

Glasses: Because she’s a bad kitty.

Paulo: Just because you are stubborn does not make you correct, madam.

Glasses: SHE IS A BAD KITTY.

Let’s move on. We’re gonna be here all day otherwise.

With an irritated snort, San started down the hill, “You two can do what you want, but I’m going.”

Alright listen, shitlord, you-

before the girl could take the first three steps, she was roughly yanked back by Kiba who had snapped up a mouthful of her cloak of white fur. With a yelp she landed on her back which knocked the wind out of her. She then looked up and found herself staring into the wolf’s red-tinted eyes.

“When Mother moves, we move!” He lowered his head so that he and his sister were literally nose-to-nose. “Until then, we wait!”

…Uh, yeah, what wolfbro said.

Oh, and I’m sure everybody saw me call San a shitlord just then. Well, given the nature of this fic, I think it’s safe to assume that we’re dealing with Not!San here, so I don’t have to restrain myself now.

San had a look that could pierce the thickest boulder.

*snerk*

Oh please.

*SC removes his glasses and hooks them on his shirt collar*

ins-zhan-wang-my-personal-universe

I’d like to see your “boulder-piercing look” top that, Not!San.

Ozzy: …Hmm. We should think up a different name to call get by. Not!San is gonna get old petty quick.

Yeah, no kidding, I’m already hating it.

Glasses: Nas?

Too obvious.

Rose: Bitch?

Wow, r00d. We’re a classy bunch here, missy.

(Shut up, other Librarians, we are.)

Paulo: It needs to be a title to recognize the false face she wears, while also acknowledging the character she was intended to be.

Yeah…

SANNABE.

Glasses: It’s disgusting. I love it.

Ozzy: Sounds like we have our winner.

After giving her wolven brother one last glare,

Let’s look up that word Stone-Man85 keeps using – “wolven.”

According to the first definition I could find (courtesy of Wiktionary):

“Etymology:
From wolf +‎ -en. Compare Old English “wylven” (“wolfish”).

Of or pertaining to wolves; wolflike; wolfish.”

Okay, so, he got this one right. Stone-Man85 gets a Non-Failure badge.

FB_IMG_1440626101569

she sat up and crossed her arms. “Fine,” she growled.

“Looks like you won’t have to wait long,” Tsume chimed in looking towards the mountain where Moro had been keeping watch.

San and Kiba’s sharp eyes looked to where their brother was looking and saw that Moro’s obscure shape was now making its decent down the barren slope of the mountain. It would be only minutes before she reached the caravan.

I’m sorry, “only MINUTES?”

Uh, if your goal is to ambush them, why would you set up so far away that you might potentially be caught during your approach by a wandering pair of keen eyes? Oh, and don’t even try and tell me that a caravan wouldn’t have scouts keeping their eyes on the horizon. They would. Caravans, throughout history, have been big targets for all kinds of ne’er-do-wells. It’s a necessity. If you need minutes of time to get to your target, you WOULD be spotted. Believe it or not, but sixty seconds is a long time when a battle could be decided by one misstep. Multiplying more sixties on top of each other only makes it that much longer.

The idea of an ambush is to be close by, so that when you spring the trap on the unfortunate victim(s), you’re right there, jumping on them, and they don’t have the time to draw their weapons. Setting up far enough away that you need MINUTES of time to reach your target leaves you wide open for a counterattack in transit, and these guys – being soldiers or mercenaries employed by nobility – potentially have guns. Black powder, muzzle-loading, yes; but properly trained gunmen can halve the time it takes to load one of those. And since they’re the ONLY type of firearm available to Japan at this point, you can bet that those gunmen will know the things like the backs of their hands. Failing that, they will definitely have bows and arrows. So, while you’re eating up so much time moving in, Mr. Eagle Eyes – whoever that may be – could alert the entire caravan, and they could be firing on you well before you get there. (More likely with arrows, though, because firearms back then kind of had a complicated loading rigamarole that even halving loading time couldn’t really speed up. Still, the point is, minutes long ambush = you’re dead, bitch.)

Paulo: I can attest to the strength of a scout’s eyes, and those of the rangers who would be engaging such a distanced attack as this, as my old platoon was better known for our skill at range than we were for our strength in close quarters… at least until I began making the name I have for myself now, that is. It would take but a simple flash of movement before their eyes to catch their attention, and then you would be had.

Yep, and Moro, for being a wolf, is shockingly not all that good at being sneaky in the movie. She’s actually more of a, “rush in and fuck them up” fighter, which seems counterintuitive to her status as an apex predator, because she’s certainly not the only gigantic animal to be found, so you have to imagine that this gung-ho mentality has gotten her into some shit before. This also kind of hurts her “goddess” status a bit too, because you’d assume a deity in mortal coil to be a bit more thoughtful about their methods, and she’s… really not. Rushing in and being all, “SURPRISE!” is her calling card up until she dies. Of course, she also holds the extremely narrow-minded “all humans are invariably assholes” mindset that we’ve discussed already to be easily broken by one simple foray into the good side of any decently-civilized city, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that her strategic senses aren’t all that up to par. But they’re still much better than how Stone-Man85 is portraying them. She’s not GOOD at attack strategies, but she doesn’t out-and-out SUCK at them either.

Ozzy: I should certainly hope not. She’d never have survived even half as long in the movie, or prior to the events of the movie, if it were otherwise.

Glasses: Just like my little war story from earlier.

Ozzy: Yeah, exactly.

‘Finally!’ San thought to herself with a grin of fulfillment and climbed onto Kiba’s back.

Pretty sure San never smiles once in the movie. Or, she never GRINS in any event. Especially when it comes to getting one over on humans. She’s actually very serious about that.

But, then again, this is Sannabe we’re dealing with here. So anything could happen, really.

“Let’s go,” she said, then reached behind her head and pulled a red mask, made to resemble those spirits from that Zelda game, but with wolf ears, over her face.

Oh my God, for fuck’s sake

You know, earlier this very week, Ghostie and I discussed how lazy the description, “like X but with Y” is. It assumes that everybody knows what either of the things being mentioned are, and – surprise, surprise – WE DON’T ALL KNOW.

The “spirits from that Zelda game” Stone-Man85 is talking about are known as Deku Scrubs. They’re little wooden sprites that fire nuts at you, and if you bounce them back into their faces with a shield, then chase them down when they try and flee, they give you shit for a pretty reasonable sum, usually. If not, they just fuck off and hide. I find it a bit ironic that he only seems to recognize them from ONE game, though, because they show up all throughout the series, most notably in Ocarina of Time, where they’re a frequent nuisance in dungeons, and in Majora’s Mask, where you receive a mask that TURNS YOU INTO ONE for the purpose of aiding their kingdom in their time of need.

Not the prettiest bunch, either.

Not the prettiest bunch, either.

And canonically, San does wear a mask that looks a LITTLE bit like a Deku Scrub. Except, if you take even a cursory glance at San’s getup, you’ll see that it’s meant to be a tribal resemblance of a WOLF, and not some asshole seed-spitting piece of sentient, mercantile tree bark.

Not.A.Deku.

Not.A.Deku.

Furthermore, AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING REFERENCES THAT HAVE NO MEANING IN MUROMACHI JAPAN.

Stone-Man85, will you NEVER learn?! When you have a story set in ancient fucking history, YOU DO NOT USE TERMINOLOGY FROM MOVIES OR VIDEO GAMES AS DESCRIPTORS! You take the time to do some God damned research and USE PERIOD-APPROPRIATE DESCRIPTORS, or the closest you can get to them!

I swear to Christ, I’m about ready to punch out my fucking screen with all these pop culture references you keep shooting off with! Enough already! It has long since stopped being charming!

It was the mask she had always worn whenever she engaged the humans in battle. Its sole purpose was the same as her fur cloak, to hide as much of her human appearance as possible.

Rose: She wears a mask to disguise herself? Gee! Never would have thought of that! What is this, Metal Gear San or something?

“I can’t breathe, I can’t see, but at least the guards won’t recognize me!”

Ozzy: FaceCamo kind of looks like a creepy BDSM mask when it’s disengaged, huh?

That’s why you wouldn’t wear it disengaged, buddy. Well… that, and I’m pretty sure anybody who got caught wearing a face-concealing mask like that would get shot on principle.

Glasses: By the way, I found out that I’m really not good at Revengeance.

That’s okay, neither is Specs.

[I TRY SO HARD. FUCK YOU MISTRAL! -Specs]

[You’re stuck on Mistral? For real? Get good, scrublord. I dusted Jetstream Sam’s ass ages ago. -Sports Shades]

When her enemies saw her, the last thing San wanted was to have them think that they were fighting one of their own. For she was not one of their own.

Except they can tell just by looking at her that she’s human, and the mask only really serves to cover up what her true face looks like so that they can’t pin an identity to the bitch who keeps ruining their day. But I’m sure in her mind it’s more symbolic like that.

San, like her brothers and like her mother, was one of them; a wolf.

You could not have worded that more awkwardly if you tried.

Thrusting back his hind legs, Kiba launched himself from the ledge they had been resting on and rushed down the mountain with San clinging tightly to his back. Tsume followed not too far behind. As the three siblings quickly made their way towards the caravan the rumbling clouds released the rain which they had been storing within their vaporous bodies.

…Vaporous? Okay, quit thumping your thesaurus, asshole.

Paulo: I have never understood the meaning of that terminology.

It’s basically our way of pointing out when someone’s trying too hard to look smart by using big words that obviously don’t fit with their writing style. Stone-Man85’s writing has not once warranted the use of a word like “vaporous” in a sentence. Or “wolven,” now that I think of it.

Well, anyhow, that’ll do it for part two! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! We don’t have to deal with San again for the rest of this chapter, so part three should be easier for me to hack through. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Glasses, Ozzy, Rose, and Sir Paulo Rori, I’ll see you next time!

…Ugh. Now to go and have a drink.

Paulo: But you do not drink, sir.

Not alcohol, no. I meant like a soda or something.

Glasses: Lucky you, I brought two extras for you and Paulo when the kittens and I got back from the coffee shop.

Ozzy and Rose: Mooom!

Paulo: I am not certain that I have ever had a… “soda” before.

Don’t chug-

*Paulo opens his soda and downs it in one go; two seconds later, he hunches over in agony*

…Don’t chug it. You’ll get an air bubble in your gut, and those suck.

Paulo: I… regret… everything…

Can someone get the poor knight some water, please?

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80 Comments on “1157: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Seven, Part Two”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Once we have cleared the hurdle that is chapter ten, Sir Herr will rend Stone-Man85 asunder with his wrath?

    Yes, I will, Paulo. You can count on that.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, you hated this part so much you forgot to close one of your blockquote tags. I’ve fixed it for you.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Glasses: Does Stone-Man85 not realize that Japan’s cuisine is way more than just rice?

    He’s a weeaboo who’s put no effort into researching the era, what do you think?

    • SC says:

      Glasses: …Point.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      What does “weeaboo” mean?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Weeaboo is a term typically ascribed to extreme fans of Japan. Often, though, the term is used on people that like the media of Japan to the point that they try to act like they’re Japanese, but who also make up a version of Japan based around that media that is actually kind of ignorant about actual Japanese culture.

        A great example of this is actually in the use of the word “Kawaii”, which usually means cute. Most female fans will often use “kawaii” to describe things as being cute. What that ignores is that “kawaii” is considered a form of baby talk in actual Japanese culture, such that most people above a certain age don’t actually use it in conversation. But those fangirls will use it anyway, because they think it sounds awesome. That right there is an example of weeaboo-like behavior.

      • GhostCat says:

        I wouldn’t really call a weeaboo an extreme fan of Japan; it’s more like they are in love with the idea of being a fan, or they love being part of a fandom rather than enjoying the source materials. They like the packaging more than the contents. Most people who get into anime or manga go through that initial stage of enthusiastic ignorance, but then move on as they gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of the culture. Weeaboos don’t really have any interest in moving out of that stage.

        Also – I kind of hate the word “kawaii”. It is really popular and rarely used properly.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Asian decent due to her skin, which was amazingly similar to porcelain.

    *sigh*

    By now, I would’ve erected a counter. You know what? Fuck it, I’ll be right back.

    *leaves, comes back with electronic equipment*

    Okay… Let’s hit this thing.

    *hits buzzer multiple times*

    “I’m An Ethnocentric Douchebag” Count: 3

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She wore a blue and tattered blue dress

    Oh shit, SC, you forgot about–

    *ALARM BLARES*

    ….

    Fuck me.

    *is tossed into the shark jump tank*

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She also wore white skinned moccasins of sorts tied to her ankles,

    *frown*

    So she wasn’t really wearing them, so much as she was tying them around her ankles the way you’d tie ice skates up so they can dangle off your shoulders. Smooth, San. Smooth.

    Also, would they be called moccasins in Muromachi-period Japan? I know that’s probably a bit nitpicky since they’re likely similar (which is saying something considering all the other history fails this fic has lobbed at us), but I can’t help but wonder…

    • SC says:

      Well, if you look, she kind of just has these booties on. I let him have moccasins because I saw moccasin designs that sort of matched, and I didn’t know what other name they could have been called in Japan.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hm… Time to consult my Japanese Studies friend again!

      • SC says:

        Meanwhile, I’ll just wait for Ghostie to get here.

      • GhostCat says:

        Shoes, or footwear in general, are “kutsu”, there would have been zori or geta around at the time as well as boots.

        I’m fairly certain “moccasin” is a word of Native American descent.

      • SC says:

        It is, the only reason I didn’t ding him for it was because I didn’t have a location-appropriate term.

      • GhostCat says:

        They look more like leather socks in the photo. I remembering reading something in the Earth’s Children series about making soft shoes by skinning a deer’s leg and using the part at the top of the hind leg, where it bends sharply, to make a nearly seamless bootie.

      • SC says:

        I’ll keep that in mind if I ever get stranded Bear Grylles-style in the woods. XD

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    (I swear to God, if he retconned Eboshi out of the canon, too…)

    Oh fuck no, you did not just suggest he’d go that far.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “All the better,” replied a growling basso voice.

    *headdesk*

    Stone-Man, stay away from the thesaurus. Given that I actually know what language basso originates from, and given that I know it’s typically used as a musical term, stop it. Unless this guy is a basso profundo or he’s busy humming some basso continuo, you’re being pretentious.

    *BAM*

    Stop it!

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    When humans are forced to move about in the rain, their sense of logic becomes muddled which makes them falter.

    Jeez, it’s only August and we already have a contender for “Most Unintentionally Hilarious Line”. Jeez, SC, isn’t it a bit early to pull this out?

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Sorry, but I’m of the mentality that heart and soul are two separate entities.

    Next time someone brings that up, just mention this exchange from Ruddigore:

    RICH: And I make bold to ax your honour’s advice. Does your honour know what it is to have a heart?

    Sir D: My honour knows what it is to h ave a complete apparatus for conducting the circulation of the blood through the veins and arteries of the human body.

    RICH: Aye, but has your honour a heart that ups and looks you in the face, and gives you quarter-deck orders that it’s life and death to disobey?

    Sir D: I have not a heart of that description, but I have a Picture Gallery that presumes to take that liberty.

    • SC says:

      Pffft!

      I love how the guy was as sarcastic about his response as humanly possible, there.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, it is Sir Despard. You’d be a sarcastic ass if you were thrust under the obligations of a curse that charged you to commit one crime every day lest you suffer a death most agonizing…

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The first large wolf next to her; she looked to see the wolven face of the wolf that acted as her elder brother.

    Good Lord, it’s like he’s the hunter from that Bloodborne/RWBY fic Ert snarked!

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Rose: Bitch?

    Off-limits. Remember, I used that on the useless girl in Homura Afterstory!

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Let’s go,” she said, then reached behind her head and pulled a red mask, made to resemble those spirits from that Zelda game,

    Oh for fuck’s sake!

    *BAM*

    Stone-Man, when I did that same exact shit in Mass Vexations, I actually had a point to it. It was because the narration was being delivered in first person by a guy who would make those references. Therefore, I could get away with it, ’cause it makes sense for the frame of reference that the narration cribs from!

    Here? No! This is…

    Agh!

    *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Enough already! It has long since stopped being charming!

    And it’s getting to the point I might not even wait to Chapter 10 anymore, really…

    • SC says:

      I’m getting really tempted to tell you to just nail him after I finish this chapter. Either way, some time soon, I’m definitely going to need a short break from this fic for some oneshots that DON’T piss me off so bad.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I might not be able to wait, if it keeps up with the bullshit. If it comes to that, I’ll just read up to Chapter 10 myself, God help me…

      • SC says:

        Read it AS IS, without the riff to help maintain your sanity?

        Ill-advised.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        If that’s what it’ll take to get to Chapter 10, I’ll do it. And you get to see me freak out in the secret club house.

  15. GhostCat says:

    Glasses, dejected: …Isn’t there anything of me that I gave you two?

    Ozzy: Our porn preferences.

    Rose: My love of really big, impractical axes.

    Ozzy: Our eyes are golden.

    Rose: I like yarn!

    Ozzy: Pretty sure I picked up your phobia of mice.

    Glasses: …Aww! I knew you two were my babies!

    *Glasses hugs both her children and administers gentle noogies*

    Ozzy and Rose: …Mooom…

    Awww, Glasses is the best Mom!

    • SC says:

      Certainly better than Bifocals.

      Goldie: Hey now, that’s not fair. My mom only accidentally killed me six times.

      That you’re defending her with THAT does nothing to help her case.

      • GhostCat says:

        To be fair, that is a pretty low number given how often Bifocals’ gadgets fail catastrophically.

      • SC says:

        *Bifocals twitches menacingly*

        Oh hell, you’ve done it now.

        Bifocals: My. Inventions. Do. NOT. FAIL!!!

        *Bifocals summons a doom laser and- well, take a guess*

  16. GhostCat says:

    She had dark, ebony hair cut just below her neck line,

    Which puts it around her shoulders, since the neckline is at the bottom where the throat enters the chest, not the jawline, where her hair is actually cut.

  17. GhostCat says:

    So, like, Specs’ name in Japanese might be “Supeksu” or something like that. Talk to Ghostie about it, I’m sure she can give you a much more in-depth explanation.

    Close; it would be “Supekusu” in Japanese syllables, except for doubles (like in words like “yamatte” or “itte”) “n” is the only consonant that isn’t paired with a vowel. This is what turns an English word like “milk” into “ミルク” (miruku). The conversion from English to Japanese often does odd things to loan-words because of the way the language is structured. The oddest one I’ve come across is ベルベット(berubetto) – which is “velvet”.

    The “u” from “su” (す) is often dropped, or shortened, especially when it appears at the end of a word, making です sound like “dess” and not “desu”, which is how the word is typically written in Romaji. That’s why I don’t like studying anything in Romaji, because it doesn’t really match up with how the language should really sound and makes it more difficult.

  18. GhostCat says:

    Well, not every word in Japanese can really work a threatening undertone.

    Case in point; “ばば” can mean “old woman”, “hag” or “bitch” (and is baby-talk for feces) and is pronounced “baba”.

  19. GhostCat says:

    impulsive and stubborn as a freshly born cub.

    Most of the “freshly born” kittens and puppies I’ve seen are neither impulsive nor stubborn; more like they’re tired and hungry.

    • SC says:

      Glasses: My momma had a hell of a time dragging me out of bed.

      Ozzy: And, in turn, you have a hell of a time dragging US out of bed.

      Glasses: Aww! My little kittens take after their mommy I’m so happy-

      Ozzy: MoooooOOOOOOM.

  20. "Lyle" says:

    the wolf possessed a powerful frame that was big enough to send most humans running for dear life. Like his younger brother, Tsume, Moro’s tenth son,

    *facepalm* Yup, Stone-Man has stolen all the names from Naruto. You wouldn’t have gotten this far, SC, but Tsume is Kiba’s MOTHER. Here’s her Narutopedia entry. http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Tsume_Inuzuka

  21. TacoMagic says:

    San, like her brothers and like her mother, was one of them; a wolf.

    You could not have worded that more awkwardly if you tried.

    Challenge accepted!

    A wolf! Just like her brothers, San, as well as her mother, was one of them.

    “Woof! Why do you hate me?”


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