2486: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure (Trapped Rewrite) – Chapter 4 Part 1

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: EclipsePheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486706
Critiqued by Crazy Minh, Major Wade, and Ensign Jim Jimson.

Hello again, Patrons, and welcome to the fourth chapter of Eclipse Pheniox’s epic fail of a story ‘Trapped in 40k’. I’m your Guest Riffer, Crazy Minh; over there at the tactical station is Major Wade; and joining us posthumously is our new spectral helmsman, Ensign Jim Jimson, who you may remember from the SOMA riff I did during Spooktober. Jim, wanna introduce yourself?

Hi patrons! I’m Jim Jimson, and I’ll be haunting this ship for…well, I can’t say ‘the rest of my life’ now, can I?

Not really.

Fuck.

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2476: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure – Chapter 3 Part 2

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: Eclipse Pheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486706
Critiqued by Crazy Minh, and Major Wade

WARNING! THIS IS AN EP FIC! EXPECT TRIGGERS AT SOME POINT!

SECOND WARNING: ALTHOUGH I SKIP THE MORE SENSITIVE BITS, EP HAS A RATHER ABHORRENT SEX SCENE IN THIS CHAPTER THAT MAY OFFEND SOME PATRONS. READ WITH CAUTION.

Hello Patrons, and welcome back from Spooktober! Unfortunately, the greeting is the second part of the third chapter of Eclipse Pheniox’s Trapped in 40k: the rewrite that just keeps droning. Fortunately, EP decided to discontinue this fanfic during the last Spooktober festivities, so at least there’s now a definite end to this shitfest! The fic got three more chapters following the start of my riff, and in total there will be 18 more chapters of this shit before we are done! Anyway, I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and he’s Major Wade:

Oh dear god, this chapter…

Don’t be a drama queen; it’s not all that bad! Trust me, I’ve been here. It gets worse later. Much worse.

…Is it too late for me to go back to the SGC?

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My Inner Life: Redux – Chapter 1 Part 1 (FILLER!)

[Sorry this is late, but nobody scheduled anything for today and this has been sitting around in the drafts for a while. It’s another slightly-updated scrapped riff from years ago, because we need more filler, and why let this go to waste, right?

Also, rereading before posting, there are a surprising number of BadJamags’ catchphrases and running gags that I started with GoodJamags in this riff. Huh.]

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: My Inner Life (Full Story)
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

*GoodJamags walks into the secret base’s prison block. There is a glass cell at the end of the hall.*

*In the glass cell, BadJamags is waiting*

BadJamags: Hello, GoodJamags.

Drop the Hannibal Lecter routine and tell me how to stop the fic.

BadJamags: Now, now. Is that any way to greet an old friend?

I never met you before I went through the portal. Tell me how to stop the fic.

BadJamags: *Sigh* You can’t stop it. Door won’t let you out until you riff it, and you can’t close it without going through Door.

Didn’t I explode the door for my dramatic entrance?

BadJamags: Not the door, Door. He respawned and is back where he started.

Are you implying the door is sentient?

BadJamags: Actually…

BadJamags: I have no fucking idea, but it kinda seems like it could be the case. I’m not bullshitting you about needing to riff the fic, though.

Why can’t I just let it sit there?

BadJamags: BLUE.

Makes sense to me.

*In the riffing chamber*

Hello once again for the first time, patrons! I’m your guest host, GoodJamags.

Today, I’ll be picking up where my evil counterpart left off with My Inner Life.

Last time, Link’s Queen ranted, raved, and spat nails like an immature child about her reviewers supposedly ranting, raving, and spitting nails like immature children.

And she had the gall to call them hypocrites.

This time, we start the actual story.

The Beginning

Well…

At least it’s spelled properly.

I will never forget the day, the day I met Link.

*Alarms blare*

Ah, you have the DRD here too? I suppose some things are universal constants.

*John Johnson walks in*

John Johnson: Hello. My job is that whenever there’s a redundancy, I’m supposed to shoot you whenever there’s a redundancy which means I have to shoot you.

Huh?

*Headshotted in the head*

It was a warm spring day; I was on my usual trip back to Hyrule with my wagon of goods to sell in Hyrule market at the annual Spring Festival (1).

Ah. Here we have, aside from the cumbersome sentence, the first of this story’s footnotes. What does this footnote say about the annual Spring Festival?

(1) The Spring Festival is a celebration of the upcoming season change from Winter to Spring. This celebration is held every year to celebrate the planting of the year’s crops and to prey to Mother Sclyina for a prosperous crop season.

It’s an annual festival, held every spring. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

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My Inner Life: Redux – Atuhors Nose and Prologue (FILLER!)

[Hey, filler post! Somebody didn’t get their post done on time, so here’s my old riff of My Inner Life that I scrapped when Ert started his. I’ve cleaned it up somewhat, but it’s just a random old riff. Nothing wrong with it, so I kept it saved, and here we are. This was originally meant to be sent in between Arkham Asylum and Love & Bullets. Think of it like how Herr and ME both riffed Mass Effected.]

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: My Inner Life (Full Story)
Critiqued by BatJamags

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m doing another riff?

Why?

That’s a very good question, and there’s a very good answer to it.

So, anyway, this is My Inner Life, a rather infamous Zelda-fic. I’m riffing this because it was fodder for the first snarking I ever read, and it’s still hilariously snarkable. Today, we’ll be covering the atuhor’s noses, and moving on to the prologue.

I should note that this is an old shame of the author, but rightly so. It’s pretty awful.

Now, let’s get started!

Author’s notes: Hello. Thanks for choosing to read my story. As you might know I have become a major Zelda fan in the last year.

Wait. Stop. Hang on. How would I know that?

Ever since I played OoT I have grown a fond interest in Link.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow?

I started to notice that after I got really into it,

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

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2240: Madness – Oneshot

 

Author: FreddysNightmare1984
Media: Movie/Book
Topic:  Cujo
Genre: Horror/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to a very short little oneshot that is from a source material we’ve never covered before – Cujo.

Yeah, I was kind of surprised that there a Cujo fanfics, too. There aren’t very many by fanfic standards, but there are even a handful of crossovers. Hope you’re ready to see the word rabies so many times that it starts to look like a made-up word!

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the source materials, let me give you a brief synopsis;

Like most Stephen King works, the story revolves around the inhabitants of a Peculiar Small Town in Maine. The primary focus is on a young family – Vic and Donna, with their son Tad – who have just moved from New York City, but there are a handful of locals as well. Of primary concern is the Camber family – Joe, a local mechanic who happens to be an abusive asshat, his wife, Charity, and son Brett – who are the owners of the infamous Cujo. Joe, being an all around terrible person, doesn’t bother getting his dog vaccinated so when Cujo chases a rabbit into a small cave and subsequently gets bitten by a very startled bat, the poor Saint Bernard contracts rabies. Charity wins a small sum in the lottery and hides the fact from her husband while convincing him to let her take Brett to visit her sister for a week. Joe agrees, mainly so he can go whoring in Boston with his alcoholic neighbour Gary. Vic has to leave town for work due to a marketing disaster with a cereal that makes it look like you’re vomiting blood, so Donna takes their car (a Ford Pinto) to Joe’s for some repair work. Prior to her arrival, however, Cujo, driven mad by the virus running unchecked through his system, has attacked and killed Gary and Joe. Donna sees the dog acting strangely and tries to leave, but the Pinto (being a Pinto) breaks down, trapping Donna and Tad inside. There’s some more interpersonal relationship stuff that is really quite good despite the fact it was written while Stephen King was taking all the cocaine, but the main horror aspects are focused on Donna and Tad being trapped in the car, facing heatstroke and dehydration, while Cujo waits just outside. Donna does attempt to escape to the house to get help but is severely bitten, adding to their troubles. Vic comes home to find his house trashed and Donna and Tad missing, and it is first assumed that the ex-boyfriend Steve ransacked the place and kidnapped Donna and Tad so at first no one is even looking in the right place, and when a sheriff does finally visit the Camber house he is eventually killed by Cujo, thus prolonging their captivity. The book and movie differ on some points, but the basic facts (except for the ending) remain the same. It’s the sort of plot that would never occur to anyone in modern times, since the increasing sense of desperation and isolation would vanish with a single cell phone call.

Now that that’s over with, on to the fic! Since it’s short, let’s start with the summary.

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2062: Friendship Is Something Or Other: The Covenant War — Chapter 5 Part Two

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the final installment of Friendship, When You Get Right Down To It, Really Isn’t Good For Much Of Anything At All: The Covenant War.

Previously a whole lot of actual military shit went down, and none of it quite made sense. The Covenant assault on Baltimare bogged down into street-to-street urban fighting against suddenly competent ponies, Thel ‘Va(n)damee gave into the Overpowring Force Of Emo and spared a bunch of schoolfillies hiding in a fashion academy (while ordering his troops to kill many more ponies in another area to give them a chance to escape), and then the scene ended with pony forces simultaneously buckling and rallying in a really geographically confusing bit involving the detonation of multiple bridges or something.

And, as always, any actually cool stuff to see happened out of narrative focus.

We also paid a visit to the Celestia Line, where Shining Armor seemed to be holding his own against the Covenant forces save for the pressure of running out of extra supplies. A message arrived along with a train chock-full of extra supplies telling him he was not able to hold the line and was unfit for command, resulting in the promotion of some OC called General Neighal who is basically Prince Blueblood in a nicer suit and with none of the actual character depth in his place.

We resume Chapter 5 already in progress.

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2055: Friendship Is Something Or Other: The Covenant War — Chapter 4 Part Two and Chapter 5 Part One

 

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4 and Chapter 5
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Friendship Is, Umm, You Know, That Thing That Sometimes Does Stuff: The Covenant War.

Previously, we spent, like, half the chapter just sitting around watching Admiral Antivirus thrust his giant, throbbing heavy cruiser between the waiting hills of Sweet Apple Acres because apparently it wasn’t able to defend Canterlot well enough from its previous position a few kilometers away in the Everfree Forest.

…So they move in to defend Ponyville?

Yeah, because apparently this massive heavy cruiser packed full of Pelican dropships can only operate ground forces in one kilometer-square area at a time.

After the ship (finally!) landed everyone kind of just sat around and had something vaguely approximating a party, with the Apple family bringing cider and fritters, the Marines bringing a barrel of unspecified liquor that they stole from Admiral Hood, Rainbow Dash and some nameless ODST bringing some awkward proto-shipping, and Twilight and Admiral Antivirus bringing a weird conversation about cutie marks that no doubt will have Starlight Glimmer taking copious notes once Season 5 finally rolls around.

We resume the chapter already in progress.

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