1670: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Three

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Thirteen
Critiqued by SC, Scarlet, and Sir Paulo Rori

Hello, and welcome back to “Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors,” by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, Alex met an Ent-Ape-Thingo-Whatsit named Character I Totally Didn’t Steal From N’jata, who told him, “Yeah, bro, we were the douchebags who brought you here, and we can’t send you back either for reasons and shit. But that’s okay, you gotta save the world anyhow!” Understandably, Alex (as well as myself) was all, “Que?” but we couldn’t really get into what the idiotic reasoning was because I suddenly realized how stupid long part two would have been if I riffed the roughly one-third of the chapter that I copied down into my word processor all in one go, so I had to end it there. We’ll be picking up where we left off, which was right when Stolen OC the Ent-Ape-Thingo-Whatsit was about to give possibly the single most bullshit answer I’ve ever read:

Somiesa nodded, “The first thing you must understand, is that the creatures like Moro and Nago are not true Gods. They cannot control the environments, cannot destroy on vast scales, and cannot create life.

Scarlet: I have it on good authority – well, as good as mortal comprehension of incomprehensible beings could ever be – that gods are able to do far more than just that.

Yeah, the gods that I tend to read about usually do some pretty wacky shit when they’re not waving their omnipotent dicks around. Unless it’s Zeus we’re talking about. Waving his omnipotent dick around was essentially the crux of how he spent his time, after murdering his asshole dad.

Paulo: …I can almost hear a countless number of hells awaiting your soul’s arrival.

Ooh, do I get to pick?

In all honesty, I can’t completely fault the fic, here. Moro and Nago probably would factor under the “minor gods” tab of Japanese mythology. The big names are pretty set in stone, and theirs don’t show up anywhere on that list.

The only beings that can do these things are the Forest Spirit Kings that govern the elements of this world.

Smells like Last Airbender.

Paulo: I get a rather unfortunate mental image when I think of the word “airbender.”

No worries, so does the entire fanbase, I’m sure.

Shisha-Gami and I are two of those Forest spirits. However, we are spirits of a much higher class;

Scarlet: They drink tea from tiny cups with fingers extended just so, and would never deign to spare the common peasants even a moment of their attention, unless they need be punished for the intolerable crime of dirtying the leather of their boots.

Paulo: Had a bad experience with nobility, I take it?

Scarlet: No, I never bothered with their lot, much as a few of them tried to pay me to change my mind. Mesythian humor has simply always been particularly scathing towards “privileged” individuals.

we are almost considered as Gods.

Shishigami, maybe. You? Nope.

We are simply known to humans and the God Beasts as the Spirit Kings of the world.

…So, you’re slightly-less-lesser gods, then?

Scarlet: Don’t ever say that again, that made my head hurt.

However, there is a problem to it if one of us dies: if one of us dies, that element that we control shall be in utter chaos, and will cease to exist as it slowly dies. If all of us die, the world will die with us. However, if our essence lives on and one of us still lives, we can be reborn and once again bring balance to our element and the world.”

It’s like playing Legend of Grimrock! Everybody respawns so long as someone reaches the checkpoint!

Scarlet: And if the squishy healer is the one who reaches the checkpoint, kindly take a moment to reevaluate your life choices.

“If those wolves, Moro and her kids, Nago, and Isaac aren’t Gods,” Alex asked raising an eyebrow, “… then, what are they?”

“They are the guardians,” the Tree-Ape Spirit King answered,

Pictured: Guardians. And one nightmare under your bed who doesn't want to be here.

Pictured: Guardians. And one nightmare under your bed who doesn’t want to be here.

“Immortal entities that have existed since the birth of time. They exist in this world by taking vessels that give them physical form, enabling them to live among the mortal world as we do. They can live, age, grow ill, and they can bleed. And after a long span of time has passed, they can eventually die.” He frowned at the youth sitting before him, “Do you understand?”

*Alarms Blare Ceaselessly*

What?! I can’t hear you over all this noise!

Alex nodded, “I do. At least… I think I understand. But if you’re the real Gods, why are they known as Gods anyway?”

“Because that was how the world of nature looked upon us and them. And for a long time, before they evolved into what they are today, humans were once part of the world of nature. That is why many humans still see them as Gods. I suppose over time, they became attracted to the titles we had been given, and eventually accepted them.

This part actually kind of makes sense, which makes me wonder if it wasn’t N’jata’s writing.

Scarlet: How do you mean?

Oh, right, you’re new here. Stone-Man85 stole the first half or so of this fic from another author named N’jata, practically verbatim. N’jata gave something of a consenting statement at the time, but has recently come forward and admitted, to me, no less, that he actually doesn’t agree with what Stone-Man85 has done with his work, and is thoroughly enjoying watching me rip it apart.

Scarlet: And I take it you’re enjoying rubbing it in Stone-Man85’s face every chance you get?

With a song in my heart.

As for us Spirits… we prefer to keep ourselves out of sight these days. Back then, Man and Beast had known of us, and we were free to be with both. Before…he came…”

“This is deep,” Alex muttered, but then looked confused, “Wait! Who’s he?”

“The one known as Stone-Man85, the Great Perversion which has wormed its way into our very beings and made us into the shallow, false images of ourselves you see before you.”

Paulo: Keep up like that, and you could create your own canon for this riff.

I kind of already am, to be honest. I’ve had Alex get dragged here and be ruthlessly tortured by the unavoidable truth that is his own fakeness, and I’ve had Sannabe be decoded as a horrid plague taking form of the real San and claiming that form as its true one. By the end of this, I might very well be able to make some kind of Protectors of the Plot Continuum-ish story out of how badly I hate this fic.

“The Demon God of Death and Destruction: Hexxus,” Somiesa said with much dread in his voice,

*snerk*

Okay, I’ve seen, and have been guilty of some heinous character naming before (Narsokka Weirmoore, anybody?), but I think that name takes the cake for me.

Paulo: His name is a six-sided shape?

Scarlet: His name is a purposefully debilitating or manipulative spell employed for nefarious means?

It’s stupid, let’s just go with that.

“It was he who had shattered the harmony when he rose up from the bowels of the earth, and rained down his poison that nearly destroyed all the forests.

My mind interprets that as him pissing all over everything.

Scarlet: Well, I can’t necessarily say you’re incorrect.

And it was he… who burned the hole in man’s heart.”

Paulo: “We have since removed him from our surgical team.”

“His actions have been taken under review by the Board.”

Scarlet: “It’s doubtful that he’ll remain employed at this facility for very much longer.”

Somiesa sighed deeply as he looked to the boy, “It’s actually very simple if just you stop to think of the basic principles behind it all”

“I mean, it’s not as if it’s molecular science or anything. Holy shit, don’t get me started on that. I don’t know how the major gods can do that.”

Paulo: Is molecular science really that difficult?

You tend to need a college degree or two in order to say that you’re proficient in that field, so I’d venture to say that it probably is.

“Maybe for you it is, but you’ve had, what, several thousand years to contemplate this?”

“Actually, since the beginning of this world’s existence, I suppose,” Somiesa replied.

So, as far as gods go, he’s actually on the young whippersnapper end of the spectrum.

Scarlet: He stands squarely between “small infant” and “adolescent child.”

The young outlander shook his head, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I’m gonna barf and my head’s gonna implode,” he said.

Hopefully not at the same time, that sounds incredibly gross.

“And to tell you the truth, I really don’t care.” He had a look of bitterness in his expression, “All I want to know, is why you and your friends brought me here?”

“I thought that I already explai…”

“Telling me that I’m the only one who can help you! That’s only half an answer!” the youth snapped,

Well, I mean, yeah. You can’t just take the quest without the details, right? That’s being a bad player character.

Scarlet: It’s being a worse NPC to not give those details.

Paulo: What are you two on about?

Oh yeah, I forgot. Unlike you, Paulo, Scarlet and House Scarlet are characters that I’ve toyed around with having in several different canons, from Lord of the Rings to Star Wars, so Scarlet has a way more expansive knowledge of modern day terminology than you do.

Paulo: Well, when you put it like that, suddenly my interest in knowing more is quite diminished.

Scarlet: Yes, having dozens of different lives swimming around in my head makes me nauseous. You don’t want that, trust me.

“I need you to be straight and true with me.

Paulo: Like an arrow?

*An arrow punches out SC’s screen*

CONTACTS!!!

Because at this moment, I don’t know how much longer I can continue,”

*Gasp!* Do not say these things, Alejandro, mi amor!

*Scarlet strums a dramatic tune on a guitar*

Paulo: What in the hell are you two doing?

He sighed and continued. “The oracle back at the Amishi village told me I that was sent here as a punishment. Now you’re telling me that I was brought here because you believe that I’m some legendary hero. I am now physically and mentally exhausted, Somiesa. And I need real answers: how am I supposed to save who or what?”

For a long time the two remained locked in silence. Finally, after much time had passed, Somiesa broke the silence, “I and the other Kings, wanted to change the world,” he said gently. “… and we wanted to change the future.”

“Okay… I’m not followin’ ya on this,” Alex asked, feeling a bit more confused by this, “What do you mean by, ‘change the future’?”

Well, he brought you here to fuck up the past, didn’t he? Take an educated guess, kid.

“The mind of a Spirit King…or a God as we have come to be known, exists beyond the limitations of space and time. We can seek the past for answers we may have about our world, or about ourselves if we desire. We can seek the present to gain knowledge of the world around us. But to seek the future. Such an act is not only incredibly difficult, but dangerous.”

“Why is it so dangerous?”

“Because he who can see the answers that lie in the future, can change the questions that lie in the present. The first Spirit King of the Kings, the predecessor of Shisha Gami, decided a long time ago that this sort of foresight should never be used by other Kings. For it is not our place to change or decide the fate of anyone, not even our own. Such is the right of all sentient beings.”

Crap, Stone-Man85 is trying to be all philosophical on us.

Scarlet: That’s fine. I’ve learned to block out idiotic rambling disguised as philosophy.

Yeah, well, I haven’t, so I get to suffer.

“And you went ahead and did it anyway, didn’t you?” Alex asked.

Somiesa nodded, “When I looked into the future… I was saddened by what I saw. There were no Guardians, and their were no Forest Spirits. There was no longer unity between humans and nature. And because of the human’s careless quests for power due to Hexxus’s influence, what little was left of nature was quickly withering away. And very soon… the world that we once knew… would become a graveyard for all. Oto-Hime and I wanted to change all of that. We wanted to make a world where such suffering and evil did not exist,” The Forest Spirit King lowered his head sadly, “But in order to do this… I had to convince the other Spirit Kings to join me in making the ultimate sacrifice.”

“What?”

“Our very lives,” Somiesa paused, breathed and then continued, “Using every ounce of our power, we placed the very essence of our very lives within a single tree and left it there to wait.”
“To wait for what?” Alex asked.

Somiesa smiled, “For you,” he answered. “It was waiting for the day when the one who could help change the future would arrive. And you are that one, Alexander Wallace Killian-

*SC spits out his drink and begins choking*

Paulo: Goodness, are you alright?

Sorry, there’s just something funny to me about his middle name being “Wallace.”

Scarlet: Any relation to William Wallace, do you think?

…Oh, son of a bitch. No, that’s not why it was funny to me, I just thought it sounded weird, but now I realize that you could very well be on to something, considering that Stone-Man85 has already claimed that Alex is named after Alexander the Great.

son to one Nathan Killian and Asuna Killian.

*SC smacks a buzzer*

Hi, Nathan!: 19

Also, no surprise, Stone-Man85 got the name of Alex’s mother wrong. According to the wiki, his mother is named Holo, which I know better as Horo, because:

Pictured: One spicy wolf.

Pictured: One spicy wolf.

But here in the fic, his mother’s name is Asuna, which is a name I’ve come to associate with:

Pictured: One online sword artist.

Pictured: One online sword artist.

Scarlet: I mean, the names in my family tend to be difficult to pronounce, and therefore hard to remember, but I’m pretty certain that my mother and father have only ever had one identity in the entirety of their lives.

Yeah, and I went and completely scrapped Paulo’s canon from back in chapter one by accident, but I’ve kept it consistent since then. This is a frequently recurring issue with this fic: the author can’t keep his shit straight. There’s making changes, and then there’s completely fucking up the details.

Son of a doctor, a being who saves lives, whether good or evil.

And if he’s super grumpy about it the whole time, then he’s probably Doc!

[I heard that, fucker. -Doc]

And a florist, a human who nurtures forest life.

Well… flower life, but sure.

Scarlet: Oh, details.

But much more to your birth than either you… or your parents… would ever know.”

Alex’s mind was now even more confused

Yeah, same here, pal.

as it was riddled with more questions on what he meant by what he meant,

What the fuck?

Scarlet: I like to think I’m a literate person, and I can’t decipher this.

Paulo: I believe our host tends to call this, “being hit in the head with a brick?”

Taking a brick to the skull, yeah.

My birth? What does he mean by that?

Shit, I don’t know.

at this point, his brain wanted scream, to curse every obscenity he could think of. He wanted to cry, to shout out in rage and grief.

Scarlet: …You wrote this part, didn’t you.

I did no such thing!

Scarlet: Yes, you did.

No, I most certainly did not!

But nothing came. Not even a single whisper. All he could do was stare into the empty space in front of him. Finally, after an uncomfortable few moments of silence, he stood and looked up at Somiesa with a hurt expression, “This is too big,” he said, “I… I can’t do this.”

And then the fic ended.

Ha ha, I wish, but no.

However, I am calling the riff here for the week, so we can all pretend! (Until my next update, I mean.)

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Hopefully, now that I’m back to riffing this fic, I’ll be more inclined to push updates out at a somewhat reasonable pace. I mean, you guys won’t know this by the post dates, but I’ve already written two riffs and scheduled them over the course of about a week, that’s a marked improvement from what happened during the holiday season. But anyhow, in the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, I’ll see you next time!

…And no, I did not write that other part.

Scarlet: I don’t believe you, but by all means, continue denying it to your heart’s content.

I will, because I didn’t write that part.

Paulo: Gods save me, but you two are an insufferable pair…

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41 Comments on “1670: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Three”

  1. BatJamags says:

    The Demon God of Death and Destruction

    Subtle.

    • BatJamags says:

      Hexxus

      Oh, and I should note that the “us” is common in Ancient Roman (and sometimes Greek, though they have more of “os” and “es”) names. I assume it’s some sort of suffix. My point is that while ending a gibberish word with “us” indicates that it’s a name to a Westerner, it has no reason to be there in an Eastern culture.

    • SC says:

      Contradictory, too. I’m sorry, but I’m of a belief that demons and gods are two separate entities that mix about as well as oil and water, in that they don’t.

      • BatJamags says:

        No need to be sorry about it, that’s just kind of a definition thing. Even in settings with evil gods, it’s like having a duke king or a domestic cat lion: similar in kind, but entirely different in terms of what they actually are.

  2. BatJamags says:

    Paulo: “We have since removed him from our surgical team.”

    “His actions have been taken under review by the Board.”

    Scarlet: “It’s doubtful that he’ll remain employed at this facility for very much longer.”

    I warned them. I told them it was a bad idea to use a laser for surgery, but no. They wouldn’t listen. And now look what happened.

  3. BatJamags says:

    The young outlander shook his head, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I’m gonna barf and my head’s gonna implode,” he said.

    Suddenly, Alex begins channeling the audience.

  4. BatJamags says:

    *An arrow punches out SC’s screen*

    The arrow was punching?

    Oooooooohhhhhhhh, OK.

  5. BatJamags says:

    as it was riddled with more questions on what he meant by what he meant,

    Yo dawg, I heard you like meaning.

  6. Leider Hosen says:

    …So, you’re slightly-less-lesser gods, then?

    Author! Stop trying to Religion! You are bad at it and that makes me *headdesk*

    If they are less than gods, call them spirits! If they are greater than most spirits and still less than gods, call them- I dunno, Greater Spirits! Something simple if you don’t want to invent a fantasy word for them.

    Stop being wishy washy about Spirit God Spirit God King Spirit Gods Spirit God Spirit Lesser Lesser Spirit God King of the Forest Spirit King God-

    ??? Counter: ZAP

    OW! Thanks though.

    • SC says:

      Spirit God Spirit God King Spirit Gods Spirit God Spirit Lesser Lesser Spirit God King of the Forest Spirit King God

      Scarlet: GODS, MY HEAD IS COMING APART AT THE SEAMS!

    • BatJamags says:

      So, I can’t help but compare this to Dungeons and Dragons. Both have needlessly complex pantheons, but at least the D&D one kind of makes sense if you stop to think about it. The gods have clearly defined tiers of power, and the powerful beings which aren’t gods are clearly represented as separate species. Here, Stone-Man85 is trying to shoehorn a new level of being into what’s already a highly intricate pantheon. He also wants his new level to be THE MOST IMPORTANTEST EVER without violating the canon top dog, which makes things even more confusing.

      • SC says:

        Basically, yeah.

        “My gods are better! But, uh, they’re not actually gods, see, they’re like.. between gods and not-gods.”

        “Oh, so they’re sort of like angels, then?”

        “NO THAT BULLSHIT IS LAME, THEY’RE SPIRIT KINGS!”

        “Whatever you say, chief.”

  7. Leider Hosen says:

    However, there is a problem to it if one of us dies: if one of us dies, that element that we control shall be in utter chaos, and will cease to exist as it slowly dies. If all of us die, the world will die with us. However, if our essence lives on and one of us still lives, we can be reborn and once again bring balance to our element and the world.”

    Oh, so they’re not gods, they’re just the pillar stones of fucking reality. Author, do you even theology?

  8. Leider Hosen says:

    “The Demon God of Death and Destruction: Hexxus,” Somiesa said with much dread in his voice, It was he who had shattered the harmony when he rose up from the bowels of the earth, and rained down his poison that nearly destroyed all the forests. And it was he… who burned the hole in man’s heart.”

    Wow… what an interesting and unique villain… that you shamelessly and blatantly ripped off from Ferngully!

    Same name, same poison motiff, in fact, in Ferngully his goal was to destroy the forests and here his goal is to…. do the same thing along with the Lesser Spirit God King of the Bullshit Forrest of Bumblefuck!

    Author, you fucking halfwit, do you honestly fucking think that ripping something off 1:1 will go completely unnoticed? You are… you are…

    ??? Counter: *A Chorus of Screaming Toads*

    What he said!

    • SC says:

      Oh, he’s been doing this for the whole fic up to now. He even said, outright, that there were going to be elements from Nausicaa, Castle in the Sky, and a number of other Miyazaki movies, and the stuff he didn’t mention is really not that hard to spot.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        On the bright side, I’m sure that he integrated all these canons in a unique, engaging, and creative way without just ripping them wholesale and loosely stringing them together as an afterthought. He definitely planned ahead to organize everything so that way you’re always aware of what’s going on and never get confused.

        ….RIGHT!?

      • SC says:

        You haven’t read this riff from chapter one, have you?

  9. Leider Hosen says:

    Ugghhh! Anything but this fucking endless pseudo-philosophical rambly bullshit please!

    It’s just paragraph after paragraph of nothing-text in a nothing plot that makes no sense, and it plagiarized to top it off.

    • SC says:

      Oh trust me, this is HARDLY a nothing-plot.

      But I wish it was, considering the plot is fucking stupid.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Yeah, i feel like I have to correct myself here:

        There is too much plot. I’ve only started reading this Riff recently and I can already see the author just keeps shoveling plot and “lore” onto the pile with no regard for logic, cohesion, or clarification.

        No wonder it comes across as overwhelmingly pretentious and frustrating; he thinks making things unnecessarily complex and convoluted is the same as making a deep and complex plot (his char even pointed out the deepness), without realizing that if something is unclear and muddled to the point of unreadable, any “depth” it may have doesn’t matter because you can’t make out anything that’s fucking happening.

        It’s not very often I feel like I’ve absorbed a ton of information, yet have learned absolutely nothing and I’m not sure if I missed something or it’s so poorly worded it didn’t come across.

      • SC says:

        No, he’s basically doing what I did back when I was thirteen, which everybody (who read that riff) knows was a massive slamming of canons together in a huge, explosive mess.

        Difference is, even back then, I was still concerned with making it make sense, do even though it was utter garbage, it was utter garbage that had some semblance of logic behind it.

      • BatJamags says:

        And you know what? Canon-mashing can be kind of fun if you don’t take it too seriously and are presenting a clear crossover rather than pretending all the shit you’re using is your ORGANAL IDEAR DONUT STEEL.


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