1660: Slenderspace: Jake vs Slenderman – Chapters 1- 3

 

 

Title: Slenderspace: Jake vs Slenderman
Author: Jaketheripper
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dead Space/Slender: The Eight Pages/Slender Space
Genre: Horror/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat 

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

I’m back with another fic written by the same author who penned last week’s rise of the Xenoponies!

But never fear – it’s not another Aliens/MLP:FiM crossover. It’s a Dead Space/Slender: The Eight Pages crossover!

Well … Kinda. It’s listed as Dead Space/Slender crossover, but according to the summary it’s actually based on another indie horror game called Slender Space that came out back in 2013. From what I can tell Slender Space is essentially just Slender in space, with the player avoiding Slendy while collecting power nodes rather than pages. (And it’s pretty fun, even though I tend to panic and die often.) But I think the author completely missed the point of the Slender Man games.

Let me show you the summary, such as it is.

watched slenderspace commercial, decided i could play the game MY WAY, with blackjack and hookers…loljk with a gun and an actual rig and a better point than collecting shit and escaping. more deadspace in this than slender. but slendy still replaces the necromorphs

So instead of using the protagonist’s vulnerability to create dramatic tension and an increasing sense of terror, this author is going to be equipping their protagonist with high-tech armor and weaponry. They are also going to ignore the standard “struggle to survive while completing tasks” formula found in these games and probably just blast Slendy into fragments.

Haven’t even started the fic and I can already tell there’s going to be a massive Stu.

On to the fic!

the year is 2089, it’s been years since i woke up last, i can’t even count, but then again, cryosleep is supposed to be long, but i never counted on nightmares, horrible, horrible things…i woke up screaming, the cryo pod opening, i looked around me at the other pods, two were open and empty, the rest were coated on the inside with blood, as if something had caused the occupants to explode.

:grabs sentencograph and shakes extra commas into Spare Punctuation Box:

If you know the year, then you should be able to figure out how long you’ve been frozen by using basic math. And if this is meant to be taking place in the Dead Space universe, then it’s about four hundred and fifty so years before the events in the first game. It reminds me more of something from the Aliens franchise, though, but that could just be because I just finished the other fic.

Are we going to learn anything about these terrible nightmares and what they might have contained? Not that I want to be subjected to a dream sequence, mind you, but just telling the audience that he has bad nightmares doesn’t really do anything. It’s like the author is trying to tack on a little Trajek Backstory before moving to the “blast Slendy to bits” portion of the fic.

i got up and stretched, walking to the computer terminal and used voice recognition to get my armor and weapon.

That’s right; take your sweet-ass time gearing up. Just ignore the EXPLODED BODIES inside the cryo pods and the fact that they would have had to have been thawed out and possibly awake when it happened in order to coat the inside of the pods with liquid blood.

“Tinsley, Jake.”

I found several real people with this name, but no fictional characters in either source materials. Since the author’s username is Jaketheripper, I’m assuming this is a very blatant SI Stu. I think I’m just going to call him Jerkass.

the wall opened and i put on my suit, the helmet closed around my head

I assume this is supposed to be similar to when Isaac is gearing up in his RIG, but it almost looks like he just opened a locker and took out a suit of some kind and pulled it on like a pair of long underwear.

and I picked up my gun, a laser rifle,

Because that’s something that’s readily available in Dead Space. Isaac just uses the cutter because he digs the retro charm of it.

I slung it at my back

Did he miss? How bad is his aim if he can’t hit his own back?

and looked out the window,

 

Why is there a window in a chamber devoted to cryo pods? People-cicles don’t care if they have a view.

what i saw did not bode well,

Is it that frickin’ Nyan Cat again?!?

one of the ships in the fleet was burning,

In space? A ship is on fire in space. Ummm…What?

I mean, there could be a fire on-board a ship (which is a Very Bad Thing and something most space agencies go to great lengths to prevent) but once the available oxygen is consumed and/or the hull is breached then the conditions are no longer favorable for sustained burning. Most likely there would just be a very brief and explosive burst of fire.

it drifted around until it finally hit the ship next to it, that ship in turn came hurtling at the ship i was on, the saftey window shut and i was thrown against the wall as alarms sounded and the lights went down, it was fucking dark, “hull breached, hull breached, unknown lifeform detected”

That’s actually a fairly good description of the opening of Slender Space; the player character is standing on the observation deck of a ship and watches another ship strike a different ship, sending both vessels into the ship that the player is on. I don’t think there’s any mention of a hull breach, but with two ships crashing into another one I imagine there would be plenty of those to go around.

“FUCK!”

That’s pretty much the way I’d react in a similar situation, with maybe with a few variations on the theme.

I ran like hell into the dark hallway,

That’s not what I’d do; I’d check to see if the door was sealed and if there had been a loss of pressure before running out into what could be a vacuum.

no one, no crew, no security, nothing, i cocked my rifle and aimed it around,

How exactly do you cock a laser rifle? Why would that be a thing you would have to do?

suddenly i saw a figure standing at the end of the hall, “hello?”

Is it me you’re looking for?

nothing but a feint crackling in my ear from the comlink that was somehow active even though no one was calling me,

I really don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for. Also, when did you put a “comlink” in your ear? Is it part of the suit you’re wearing? Because there still hasn’t been any description of it. And if he has a comlink, why the hell hasn’t he tried to call anyone?

I walked closer, “I’m what’s left of security squad 8, state your designation.”

Wait, he’s supposed to be a security guard?!?

That explains the laser rifle, but raises many questions regarding his behaviour. He didn’t check the other pods, or try to check in with a superior, or try to determine the status of his ship. He didn’t even check the hallway before grabbing a gun and running blindly into the hall like some n00b dumbass. I half-expected him to scream “LeeRoy Jenkins!” as he charged out.

And despite his claim of being the last member of his team, two of those pods were open and empty. Why hasn’t he made any attempts to contact either of the two people who were in those pods? He obviously has a comlink of some kind, yet hasn’t used it at all.

no answer, the fucking static got louder though, i hit my helmet, it did nothing to help, “fuck, Look, just fucking tell me your name…what…the…”

He’s wearing a helmet? Maybe that’s why the unknown person didn’t respond; they can’t hear him.

standing before me was an 8ft

:THWACK!:

No numerals in the narration!

:THWACK!:

That was for abbreviating “foot”.

tall creature with bleach white skin,

Although sodium hypochlorite (bleach) is a very effective oxidizing agent and whitener, it is not white. It would be kind of difficult for a compound that alters and destroys chromophores to have a color. (And, as anyone who has ever gotten bleach on dark fabric can attest to, bleach doesn’t always turn things pure white.)

it was wearing some type of dark suit with a red tie,

I still contend that Slendy’s “suit” could just be an instance of pareidolia; his natural coloration just happens to resemble a pattern that humans recognize as a man’s suit and tie.

it’s arms were inhumanly long, that’s not what scared me though, it’s face was blank, no features at all other than the outline of a brow and a nose,

That’s what you find scary? A lack of features? Mannequins must terrify you.

totally bald and it’s suit and face was caked with blood from the body it had just torn in half with it’s bare hands, I leveled my rifle.

Oooh, it’s probably the blood and the body that you find scary. That just makes me wonder why you didn’t react more strongly when you saw the blood-splattered cryo pods that probably contained the other members of your team.

“FUCK YOUUUU!”

it got hit three times and then strode off down the corridor,

With what, the power of your words? You just pointed the rifle at the creature – you didn’t actually fire it, Jerkass.

I thought of pursuing, but getting caught off guard by that thing was not my plan,

Too bad, because unless you were expecting to see a giant otherworldly entity tearing people apart in the hallway that’s what just happened.

Instead i decided to go to the reaserch center and see how the fuck that thing got on the ship.

Is there any reason why there would be that kind of information in the research center? And is there no central computer system that would allow you to check things out from an area closer to you?

I know it is standard game-play mechanics, but that’s just a terrible ship design.

this wasn’t going to be easy…

That’s mostly your fault. You are making this harder than it has to be.

Now, on to the second chapter!

i made my way to b deck, emergency systems had sealed off decks c-p due to the hull breach,

Convenient hull breach is convenient.

And you know this how? Was there an announcement over the intercom, or over your comlink, or did a tiny fairy waving semaphore flags flutter past?

Also – holy shit! There’s a hull breach spanning over fourteen decks?!? Even if this ship is as massive as the Death Star, that has to be a crippling amount of damage. How has this place managed to remain intact?

i wasn’t going to have much trouble unless i ran into that…thing…whatever it was…

Why do you instantly assume there’s only one “thing” on the ship? I would hope a security professional would be a bit more paranoid about potential threats – especially if those threats can tear people to pieces.

I got to B deck, to the laboratory, where true to form i found a scientist, dead at the terminal, a now silent computer sitting there with blood coating the screen,

“True to form”? So you were expecting to find an intact body slumped over a blood-spattered terminal despite the fact that the only other bodies you’ve found have been torn to bits and/or reduced to splashes of blood? That’s awful genre-savvy of you considering your past behavior.

i wiped the blood from the screen,

Is the blood still fresh?  Dude, that is a bad sign. Check the scientist and see if they are still warm; you could have some unexpected company.

“unknown artifact unearthed, study will commense on the asteria.” that was the third ship that caused this whole thing,

Thanks for the clarification, I was wondering what a Greek goddess was doing out here in the Void. That doesn’t really help me very much, though. Was the Asteria the ship that was on fire, or the one that the burning ship crashed into before it struck this ship? And why can Jerkass access information from a destroyed ship, but only from this particular location? Did he even know it was possible to do that before he traipsed down here, exposing himself to danger in the process?

i read lower, “analysis has determined that an unknown life form resides in artifact, extracting.”

Because that always turns out so well.

For a scientific log entry, there sure is a lot of information missing. There’s no description of this “artifact” or of the life form, or how they are going to extract it.

i winced, this is where the log got graphic,

Somehow I doubt that.

“unknown entity has resumed biological functions,

What, did it poop on your hand? Ewww! That’s how you get space-warts! There’s a reason you should always use the appropriate personal protective equipment when scooping eldrich entities out of unknown artifacts.

body temperature dropping rapidly,

It’s temperature was dropping? Biological functions usually result in a rise in temperature, not a lowering of it.  And a scientific log would have an actual record of the temperature and how fast it is dropping, not just a casual note  like this.

Xrays determine entity has 4

:THWACK!:

hearts but no visible respiratory mechanisms, no occular tissue, teeth or other sensory objects can be detected,

Didn’t they think to X-ray it before they started thawing it, or whatever it was they did to get it out of the “artifact” they found?

SUBJECT ACTIVE, SUBJECT ACTIVE,

Yeah, I know; you already said it was resuming biological functions.

MULTIPLE APENDAGES VISIBLE,

Were they not visible before? You didn’t describe the subject so I can’t tell if this is new information.

SUBJECT HAS MANIFESTED CLOTHING OF SOME SORT, SUBJECT VIOLENT, EXTREMELY VIOLENT

Wha? I would hope that “subject going on murderous rampage” would take priority over “subject is now a snappy dresser”.

-HULL BREACH-ERROR: FILE LOST”

I’m not the most tech-savvy person, but if the file was lost how is Jerkass able to read/listen/whatever to it right now?

there was nothing after that, so i assumed that was when i woke up,

Didn’t you witness the burning ship crash into that other ship? If there had been a hull breach before that point, then the fire wouldn’t have continued to burn since the atmosphere would have been sucked into space.

so it was all the researchers faults.

Or the fault of whomever told them it was a good idea to extract an alien creature from a mysterious artifact.

now that i had someone to blame, i had to find a way to kill it, or get off this ship alive, or both.

Nandatte? You make it sound like if you hadn’t found anyone to blame for this fiasco that you wouldn’t have done anything at all regarding the unknown creature or even tried to escape the badly damaged ship.

I walked back out into the hallway and immediatley was greeted by the static, i turned around and fired at the thing which had been standing directly behind me.

The first time (and until now only time) you heard the static, you assumed it was because your comlink was malfunctioning. Now you not only immediately associate it with the creature, but you know exactly where it will be.

it grabbed my rifle, encasing the entirety in a large spindly fingered pale hand and crushed it.

Either Jerkass had a really tiny rifle or this creature has hands the size of snow shovels.

it wagged a finger at me before i saw it grow…tentacles…

This thing  woke up and immediately got its murder vibe on – when did it learn human gestures like a finger waggle?

if that’s the right word,

Was it a slender flexible limb or appendage used for grasping or moving about? Because that’s literally the definition of a tentacle.

these struck at me and sent me flying, it left dents in my rig, i ran, what else could i do?

Wait a second … Was that rifle your only weapon? Really? You know some terrible catastrophe has befallen the entire crew and you personally witnessed a monster tearing someone limb from limb – and even shot the monster several times with that same rifle to no effect – but you were only carrying that single weapon?!?

:facepalm:

Dude, you are seriously the worst security guard ever.

i ran into a room without looking at it

Which is an excellent idea when you aren’t sure how many hostiles are on the ship. Whatever the scientists scooped out of the “artifact” could be laying eggs or undergoing mitosis (or however they reproduce) with reckless abandon all over the ship.

and found myself in a weapons locker,

:headdesk:

Of course you did. I bet all the available weapons and ammo clips are glowing softly and/or rotating in mid-air.

a little boy was huddled in the corner,

Oh, shit!

he looked up at me and screamed, my helmet retracted,

And then the boy screamed again, threw himself at Jerkass’ head, and rammed an ovipositor down the idiot’s throat. The End.

BZZZT!

Dammit, Lyle!

“it’s ok, it’s ok little guy, I’m from security team 8, I’m going to get you out of here.”

“really?”

“yea.”

:raises hand:

I have concerns and questions. Why is there a child on this ship? Is this something that would be considered common? How did he manage to survive the slaughter? Don’t you find his presence here, so close to the monster, just a tiny bit suspicious?

the boy got up and i started looking around, i picked up the largest weapon i saw, an evangelizer,

That would be the big-ass gun from Dead Space 3;

As you can tell from the arcane symbols that are all over the thing this weapon is associated with the in-game cult, the Unitologists. Unless this is a Unitologist ship, there probably wouldn’t be one of these things just sitting in a random weapons locker.

i cocked the shotgun barrel and slung it at my back,

And missed, flinging it off into the wall.

i got two plasma cutters and a motorized pulse rifle.

So he’s carrying around the Evangelizer and a pulse rifle?

Those are both massive weapons. Why does he need both of them? Is he compensating for something?

But let’s not forget the good old plasma cutter!

But why is a plasma cutter being kept in a weapons locker? It isn’t a weapon, even though it was modified to be one; it was originally a mining tool. Does that mean that this ship is a mining vessel?

“c’mon kid, we’re getting out of here.”

Might want to think about putting your helmet back on, then.

i opened the door and rolled into the hallway,

That’s exactly why you might need your helmet.

opening fire with my gun,

This seems very ill-advised. You should probably be aiming carefully rather than squeezing off a few wild shots that will do little except attract the monster’s attention.

i tore a hole in his tux with the shotgun barrel

:headdesk:

Jerkass is close enough that he ripped a hole in the monster’s clothing (which in now a tuxedo instead of a suit for some reason) with the barrel of his weapon as he was moving?

Let me guess – he still missed.

and then aimed for his head, however, he vanished before i could get a shot it, “C’MON!”

Oh, my mistake – he was that close and didn’t even fire!

the kid ran towards me and i picked him up

Dude, no! You have no idea where that kid has been. He could have monster cooties.

as i ran for the computer room, the control center.

I thought he was in the computer room before the monster scared him with a burst of static; why is he going back into the same room?

Let’s keep rolling right into the third and final chapter!

We reached the control center, passing many dead bodies on the way,

Dead bodies that are apparently not important enough to mention the first time he was going through the halls.

the kid was crying as I accessed the computer,

Am I supposed to assume that there’s some correlation between a child crying and accessing a computer? I mean, from what some of my friends with kids say those are two events do tend to occur simultaneously, but still. These things need to be explained.

“Tinsley, Jake.” The computer sprang to life, “yes?”

…Did Jerkass finally snap and start talking to himself, or is that supposed to be a response from the computer? Also, if the computer is voice-activated WHY THEY HELL HASN’T HE ACCESSED IT BEFORE NOW!?!?

“are the escape pods functioning?”

That’s probably something you should have checked on way the hell back when you were freshly thawed and saw that most of your squadmates had been liquefied.

“all 18

:THWACK!:

of them sir, 17,

:THWACK!:

16,

:THWACK!:

15-“

:THWACK!:

I gasped, “what’s happening?”

I don’t know about you, but my arm is getting tired. Also, you appear to be talking to yourself again.

“unknown entity is damaging the pods, sir.”

It kind of seems as if the eldrich horror knows you are interested in the pods at this moment and is deliberately damaging them. That’s oddly organized behaviour for a mindless beast intent on destroying everyone on this ship except for Jerkass and that odd little boy.

“ACTIVATE SECURITY!”

You mean to tell me he never activated any of the security measures? AT ALL?!?

:repeatedly headdesks:

Worst. Security guard. Ever.

“unknown entity has fled the pod chamber.”

Well, that was certainly anticlimactic. Almost suspiciously so. Why is it running away?? Because it heard you activate the security? Did anything actually happen that would make it run away? This thing has taken point-blank fire and never got a scratch! Don’t you find it a little suspicious that it’s running away when nothing happened? Are you at all familiar with the term “stalking horse”?

“good, i’ll be down momentarily.”

Are you talking to a computer located where the pods are, or to the central computer that’s in the same room that you are in? And wasn’t it a remarkable stroke of luck that these pods weren’t located anywhere near the fourteen decks that are currently sealed due to a catastrophic hull breach? Because that could make travelling there very difficult, especially with a child who isn’t wearing any protective gear.

I picked the kid up and ran down that way, “don’t worry kid, we’ll get away, I promise.”

Dude, no! Don’t say that! It’s almost as bad as telling someone you’re going to retire in two days. Instant death sentence.

The kid just hugged me, whimpering.

And possibly testing you for tenderness.

we reached the lift and I pressed the down button,

And nothing happened. You’re on B Deck, remember? Decks C-P have been sealed because of the breach. You can’t go down.

suddenly I heard static as the doors shut, the lift rocked and I heard the computer tell me, “unknown entity in elevator shaft!”

I felt the lift shake again, “unknown entity damaging operating cables!”

This computer is awfully chatty all of a sudden. Jerkass has been wandering around for an unknown length of time and it did exactly fuck-all to help him.

i pulled out the evangelizer and shot through the roof

You’re firing a giant-ass gun directly at the cables that are keeping you from plummeting to your splattery death? Just how big of a dumbass are you?

at the unspeakably evil entity who’s only lot in life seemed to be destroying everything around it,

Not really. It selectively destroyed only some of the escape pods, and then climbed up above where you were rather than attacking from below, where the pods are apparently located despite the fact that the area should be sealed. It’s like it is herding you.

I heard a disgruntled scream and a weight lifted from the lift as whatever it was crawled back up the shaft.

See? For an unspeakably evil entity, it certainly gives up easily.

The lift began descending again

:headdesk:

The author forgot about the decks being sealed, didn’t they?

and I let out a sigh of relief as the kid finally stopped crying, we were almost out of this, all we had to do is get to the pods, “computer?”

More things that you should never say or think unless you want to die a terrible death.

“yes?”

“isolate the pod chamber from all access but the elevator shaft.”

“right away sir”

You can do that? Why didn’t you do that earlier?

Wait a second. Unless I’m mistaken, isn’t the monster in the elevator shaft with you?

suddenly i felt the lift sway as something landed on it, there was a metallic twanging noise and the lift swayed again, “UNKNOWN ENTITY IN ELEVATOR SHAFT”

Yeah, I thought so. Shouldn’t you get out, seal the shaft, and then find another way down to the pods once the only threat is contained?

i opened fire with the evangelizer,

Oh, I forgot. You like to solve all your problems with gunfire. So how has that been working for you thus far?

the thing then climbed back up to avoid the bullets,

That’s right – guns have had zero effect on this thing! MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIRE MORE BULLETS AT IT!

soon the lift reached it’s destination and i roared at the computer, “SEAL THE SHAFT!”

Dude, wait until you are out of the elevator to do that.

as we walked out, the doors sealed shut behind us and we ran to an escape pod.

:headdesk:

Of course it waits until after he’s out before complying with a direct order.

as we finally escaped from the ship, i noticed too late that the ship was still operational.

Didn’t two other ships plow into the side of that ship and open up a hull breach compromising fourteen decks? Just what do you consider “operational”?

we were near the moon of the populated planet

Hold on. You were located in orbit above a populated planet and you never once tried to contact anyone? The hell is wrong with you?

And is this where you found the “artifact” that had the monster in it, or was it found somewhere else and dragged back here (adjacent to a convenient pool of victims) before it was opened up?

when i saw the engines fire, the ship was being piloted towards the planet, “oh fuck…”

For an “unspeakably evil entity” who is only concerned with mindless destruction of everything around it, the monster managed to pick up a complex task like piloting a spaceship pretty damn quick. That populated planet is about to suddenly become far less populated – but not because the monster is going to go on another rampage. If this unknown ship is supposed to be a big planet-cracker ship like the Ishimura, then it’s definitely not designed for atmospheric flight – especially not with a gash in the side spanning fourteen decks.

The monster may be bulletproof, but I’m guessing it’s not durable enough to survive breaking up in the atmosphere and then impacting the ground at terminal velocity while surrounded by the flaming remnants of a massive spaceship.

suddenly i heard the kid cackle, i turned to him, i couldnt help but hear the static coming through my rig, “this, of course, was father’s plan.”

I KNEW IT!

I totally knew there was something wrong with that kid. I just knew it.

“WHAT?”

I hate to say “I told you so”, but I did. I really, really did.

the kid, who’s back had been to me, turned around, his skin was bleach white, his face blank, he grew tentacles as he laughed maniacally at me.

If his face is blank in the same way that Slender Man’s is – completely devoid of all features – then how is he laughing? And why are authors basing characters on Slender Man and then having those characters do things that require features Slender Man doesn’t have?

the static closed in and i lost conciousness…

Why is it that all the other victims died horrible bloody deaths but this Special Little Snowflake just passes out? That doesn’t seem fair.

any who liked this story, may ask for a sequel, of course i won’t be riding off Slender space, it will most certainly be a continuation.

cheers-jaketheripper

Oh, it’s so there can be a sequel! That isn’t based on the same source materials but is still a continuation of the story. Somehow.

 

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