1661: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Two

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Thirteen
Critiqued by SC, Scarlet, and Sir Paulo Rori

Hello, and welcome back (finally!) to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and my God, am I ready to get back to this.

Before that, though, a few things are going to be different with this riff:

-Due to the fact that I could only riff small bits and pieces of chapters at a time with my phone, much of this riff has dragged on for far longer than was necessary. With my new laptop, I should be able to cut down on that crap substantially.

-Also due to the fact that I could only riff small bits and pieces with my phone, there were frequently times where the riff was either really boring or really frustrating, without much in between to break up the monotony, hence why I put it on hold for so long in the first place. That should clear up with my new laptop as well, since I can riff bigger chunks at a time, now.

-From now on, there’s only going to be two riffing guests, and they won’t be interchanging every week like what was happening before. Looking back now, it was honestly more of a “dude, really?” thing than a “hey, this is pretty neat” thing like I was going for.

And on that note, let’s introduce our permanent new riffing buddy! You guys already know Paulo well enough, I should hope.

Paulo: So should I, seeings as how I have been present since chapter one.

Right, so, anyhow: New permanent riffing buddy. Allow me to introduce Scarlet, legend of the warrior kingdom Mesyth:

O hai, Scarlet!

O hai, Scarlet!

No, he is not Cobalt’s twin brother (obviously), and no, that is not his surname, though he and House Scarlet are closely aligned. This is because Scarlet is the progenitor of the entirety of House Scarlet. Remember Lukaim Scarlet? He’s one of that family.

Scarlet was originally born to Clan Siward, battlemasters and tacticians who have served as captains of Mesyth’s royal guard for centuries. He was actually named as a cruel joke, as Clan Siward’s sons and daughters were all muscular, tan from countless hours under the blazing sun, and red-haired, and Scarlet was a scrawny little green-eyed albino who was too sickly to go outside. I guess mocking someone’s weaknesses is how Clan Siward trains their children to be warriors, because at some point, Scarlet got sick of hearing it and put himself through a thorough and exhaustive training regimen that, in ten years’ time, transformed him from a weak, small and timid boy into a strong, brave swordsman who, in spite of his short stature, could stand taller than even the king of Mesyth himself. He then went on to fight in the frontlines of dozens of battlefields during one of Mesyth’s bloodiest wars, and earned himself a shining reputation as Clan Siward’s greatest son. But, well, that reputation had the side effect of making everybody who knew his name too scared to challenge him, lest they be cut down in one strike. This didn’t work for Scarlet, as he loved a good fight, so he cast aside all ties to Clan Siward and Mesyth and began adventuring throughout the world, looking for the next chance to draw his blade.

Canonically, Scarlet has been dead for almost a millennium or so, and his bloodline lives on as House Scarlet, having assumed his name as their own. House Scarlet is primarily comprised of prideful, strong-willed and blunt-speaking warriors who look down their noses at magic in all forms and measure a man’s worth through his prowess in battle. Their names are feared throughout the land, as they have a nasty reputation for absolutely decimating any battlefield they step onto. They are lauded both as heroes and pariahs, depending on who you speak to, but the three undeniable truths about them is that they are merciless fighters, hold firm to both loyalty and honor, and love a good battle more than anything else. In fact, they hold their code of honor so dear that many of them have avoided falling victim to the insanity curse that was levied against them simply by reminding themselves that they are proud sons and daughters of House Scarlet, not some brainless barbarians who see red at the first sight of blood.

And they have built this hardy reputation in their efforts to live up to Scarlet’s legacy.

…Except they’re doing it all wrong.

Yeah, Scarlet was perhaps the greatest warrior that ever lived in his canon – well, in Mesyth, I mean. In his canon, there exists a kingdom ruled by three kings, and one of those kings is the Scion of Blades, who is the greatest warrior that ever lived, as ordained by the gods themselves. So, Scarlet’s actually second place, which is by no means an insult, considering his competition. Anyhow, he had six sons, and they all laid the groundwork for what would become House Scarlet, as the world knows them today, by living according to his teachings – which they all managed to misinterpret somehow or another. Scarlet simply taught his sons that, if they were going to be warriors like him, to make sure that they were as mountains before their foes. Never did he mention anything about honor and loyalty (After leaving his homeland behind, Scarlet frequently changed sides in battles where the outcome didn’t effect him either way, and actually preferred to fight dirty), snubbing magic (Scarlet was a proficient mage as well as a skilled swordsman), boasting opinions in people’s faces (Scarlet always maintained a politely neutral tone in conversations), being feared or lauded (Scarlet never cared much for the life of a celebrity, and certainly not that of a villain), decimating battlefields (Scarlet did bring utter ruin to warzones, but that had a lot to do with his constant side-changing, and he never did so to make a point), or using their strength as a symbol of superiority (See above history of Scarlet being sickly and frail. He’s very sympathetic to weaker individuals as a result).

In summation, House Scarlet is a bunch of dumbasses who read into words too much.

Scarlet: I do love my sons dearly, but never have I been so disappointed as I was upon hearing about what they did in “honor” of me. I need to dig them out of their respective graves, line them all up, and slap them all in quick succession.

Paulo: …I sincerely hope my own children take my words less literally than that. Gods only know what would happen if my daughter decided to “follow my footsteps” by becoming some sword-brandishing madwoman.

Scarlet: Well, the “madwoman” part would have to come after being cursed by a sorcerer with a grudge, but otherwise, the result would likely be something similar.

So, with that out of the way, let’s finally get back to this riff.

Back at the Ape Dwelling

Deep within The Cave

Scarlet: Is this cave supposed to be important?

According to the fic, yes, but according to me, no.

Scarlet: Fair enough.

For a long time, Alex found himself unable to move, unable to speak, and unable to stop staring. The cave had gradually opened up into a large cavern, where the vines with glowing flowers seemed to amass, covering everything in a beautiful color of blue.

Bifocals, out in the hall: BUT WHY?!

She’s still not over that, huh?

Paulo: It has been a year, now!

But what truly caught the youth’s attention was not the cavern itself, but its single occupant. For sitting at the very center of the cavern was the being who had called out to him.

It was me, screaming at him to get out of my riffing chamber.

Scarlet: You’re comparing this place to a cavern?

Well, what would you call it?

Scarlet: …A cavern. Point made. Though, if you cleaned up around here, that might help the issue.

What’s the point? The dicks I riff with just break it again anyhow.

The being who the apes had referred to as the Forest King… was in fact a God, or something close to it perhaps.

Considering it’s Princess Mononoke, I’ma go out on a limb and say it’s a god. It usually tends to be, if they aren’t human.

An enormous, and very elderly looking Ape-God, whose entire body was composed of earth, the hair on its arms, knees, and shoulders were made of green leaves, the veins protruding from its body were ancient vines, and its legs were massive tree trunks and the toes were its roots, and the hands nails were make of tree bark as well. On its back were tree branches branching out with leaves and moss growing on them. And its eyes were dark, but save for what appeared to be green eyes inside, making the mighty ape a sight to behold on anything.

All I got out of that was that the ape-god is an Ent.

Scarlet: I misheard that as “ant.”

It’s very easy to do so, but I assure you, Ents are waaay bigger than ants.

Paulo: We had something akin to Ents – though, those were merely animated tree beasts summoned by our mages whenever our catapults were destroyed and we needed some manner of replacement in a hurry.

Doesn’t Revelm have cannons yet?

Paulo: Yes, but in cases where we’re trying to ambush an enemy fortification, the loud explosion a cannon makes upon firing tends to give our position away before we’re ready.

Scarlet: That, and I imagine there’s some amusement to be had from hurling flaming garbage over a wall.

Paulo: The “flaming garbage” you speak of is boulders wrapped in linen which has been thoroughly drenched in oil and set ablaze, sir.

Scarlet: In Mesyth, it was literally whatever useless crap they could tie together and set on fire.

Paulo: …So, then, do your people have cannons, yet?

Scarlet: If I had to guess, probably not. My people are stubborn brutes who think that heavy firepower is a sure sign of overcompensation.

“Holy crap…” Alex could hardly believe that he was truly standing there, looking at this. Swallowing hard, he took one step into the cavern and stood stiffly, not taking his eyes the enormous Tree Ape-God for a second.

He only took one step, so now I’m imagining him just standing in some weird posture that must be horribly painful to hold for any length of time.

Paulo: Sounds like steadiness training.

Let me guess – they made archers practice holding heavy weights with their arms out straight to help them keep their hands from shaking when they drew back a bowstring?

Paulo: Essentially, yes.

It’s King-Kong’s great grandpa!

Scarlet: Now, I’ve not had much experience dealing with gods, but I feel like that’s not the correct way to go about it.

The gigantic creature just sat quietly with its trunk and vine covered legs crossed and its large hands resting motionlessly on each knee. Both its eyes were closed.

“Do not be afraid, time traveler,” the Forest King spoke softly. He then opened his eyes and gazed down at the small human standing at the mouth of the cavern. His eyes glowed faintly with the color of faded green while the thinning bristles of his brown dirt that resembled fur reflected the blue light,

That’s… not how dirt works, but okay.

“I will not harm you,” He raised he left hand, which the nails were bark, the veins green vines, and the rest of his body made of the earth itself,

*Alarms Blare*

Oh, of course I would hit a redundancy the second I come back to this riff! I almost forgot how frequently they happen!

Scarlet: How frequently does he mean?

Paulo: Far too much so.

*SC rummages through a box, pulls out the katana and gunsheath, shrugs and fires the sword out into the hall*

Paulo: What in-?!

Scarlet: Ooh, tricky.

I mean, sure, I already used it once, but what the hell, I couldn’t think of anything clever.

Paulo: I just saw a sword fly out of its own sheath and knock an entire squadron out cold, I demand an explanation!

Trust me, it would take way too long to rehash that one. Just go read my Revengeance riff, you’ll get the gist of it.

and extended it towards Alex, “Please come closer. My eyes no longer see as well as they used to, despite that I am no mortal entity.”

And yet, Odin goes and loses an eye and sees even better than before. Sounds to me like Mr. Ape God is a wuss.

Scarlet: You’d best not tell him that.

Alex took a deep breath and slowly began to walk towards the enormous God. When he was only a few steps away, he was motioned to stop and remain where he was.

The Forest King studied Alex for a few minutes before smiling, “Yes,” he said, “I was correct. You are the Time Traveler, Alexander Killian.”

And then he smashed Alex into the ground.

“Are you…” Alex began, unable to stop his voice from nearly trembling at such a creature. “Are you Shisha-Gami?”

And then Shishigami busts in through the wall like, “U WOT, M8?!”

Paulo: The gods are especially violent in your mind, it seems.

Oh, it’s just a constant shitstorm in my imagination, you have no idea.

The Forest King blinked once before laughing, “It flatters me that one would assume so,” he replied. “But no, I am not the great spirit of the forest. I am called Somiesa, the Spirit King of the Forest.

Because that’s not fucking confusing.

Shisha Gami is the Spirit King of the Spirit Kings, but he too, is a Spirit of the Forest. But many of my children have come to know me as the Forest King.”

BECAUSE THAT’S NOT FUCKING CONFUSING.

“Oh,” Alex replied, slightly embarrassed, “My mistake.”

Somiesa shook his head, “There is no need to apologize, Time Traveler, Alexander Killian.”

*Alarms Blare*

You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you, you little shit?

*SC rummages in the box again and pulls out Momo, Destroyer of Worlds*

…The fuck are you doing in the box?

Momo, Destroyer of Worlds: *Metallic screeching*

Uh… Sic ’em, I guess?

*And so he did*

To this, Alex tilted his head and looked up at the ancient deity, “How did you know my name, or about that? I haven’t told anyone that…”

“There was no need to, my young human,” Somiesa said. “I already knew. I knew long before you came to these mountains. I knew before you even began your long journey across the lands that span between here and the Amishi village.” the might Somiesa then stretched his arms out, looking like he was about to give a great big hug as he proclaimed, “After all… I am the Spirit King of the Earth. All around us, my eyes and ears are everywhere.”

“You know, because I’m kind of a god?

Scarlet: I would have thought “I’m a god” would have been explanation enough for just about anything Som…. Somee… he did. Gods, I don’t usually have this kind of difficulty saying names…

Paulo: It certainly is not your fault; the name is both incorrect, and ridiculous. You are well within reason to become tongue-tied.

Yeah, I can pronounce it just fine, but not with a straight face, so we’re kind of in the same field, bro.

Alex shook his head, “Well I guess that would be how you knew were I traveled from. But that doesn’t tell me everything, Somiesa,” he replied. “How did you know all this? How did you even know I came from the future?”

Scarlet: I would like to reiterate: “I’m a god” should have answered that, and basically any other question regarding his prior knowledge of Alex’s arrival.

Paulo: You will quickly learn that Alex is seemingly immune to common logic.

Among other things.

“Because my young Time Traveler,” the Forest Spirit King said, smiling, “It was I and the other Spirit Kings who took you from the future and brought you here, to this time.”

…I mean, I know the forest has a beef with humans, but this is just kind of a cruel thing to do to them, don’t you think?

Scarlet: What, pulling someone from their time and placing them in a much more dangerous era?

No, forcing them to have to put up with Alex’s bullshit.

Paulo: I would go as far as to deem that inhumane.

Alex’s eyes nearly bulged out from their sockets, “Uuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… You wanna run that by me again?

“It is the essence of my spirit, as well as the other Spirit Kings, that possesses the tree you will stumble upon seven-hundred years from now. You see, we are the reason you will be thrown into the past.

Oh, so not only did you drag him into the past, but you also locked him in an eternal loop. Nice.

“You’re kidding right?” Alex asked, not knowing whether to vomit or laugh as he felt himself on the verge of crying with joy, “This is some kind of a sick joke, right?”

“I assure you that it isn’t, Time Traveler.”

At that moment, the boy’s face lit up and he took a few more steps towards Somiesa, “Does that mean you can send me back? I mean, if you and these Spirit Kings were the ones who sent me here into the past, then you can send me back to the future!”

Somiesa looked down at the excited human youth and frowned sadly, “I’m afraid… ” he began slowly, making sure the boy would not lash out in anger, “… I am I afraid that is not possible.” He couldn’t help but feel a pain stabbing his ancient immortal heart when he saw the look that swept over Alex’s once joyful face, “I am sorry, Alexander, but I am afraid that returning you to your time is beyond my capability. I alone cannot do it… not without the other Spirit Kings to assist me.”

“That’s garbage!” Alex screamed, “That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard! He glared at the Forest Spirit King, “If you and your friends could send me here, then you can send me back!”

“I cannot, Alexander. I am truly sorry.”

“You’re Sorry?” The young outlander couldn’t hold back his anger, “You took me away my home! My century! My family! Then you stick me in a time period where I have to avoid getting killed every time I turn around! And now that I’ve come all this way, after everything I’ve gone through, you’re just gonna sit there and tell me that I don’t have any chance at all of going home?” Tears were now beginning to fill his eyes; he was unable to bear this truth and realization, “Why? Why did you do this to me?”

“Do you truly wish to know?”

“Yes!” Alex replied, his sadness becoming more of anger.

…Yeah, I’d like to see this one, too. Because, right now, I’m with Alex, this is bullshit. You and your friends have so much power combined that you can literally reach through time and space and coerce people into crossing the gap, but you can’t help them cross back, for some reason? Sorry, that’s not adding up for me.

Somiesa breathed deeply and closed his eyes, “Because…you, my young human, may be the only thing that stands between this world and total annihilation.”

Oh, well, if that’s the case, I say let it burn.

Alex wiped the tears from his face and looked up at Somiesa, now more confused than ever, “What’s that mean?”

“Exactly what it sounds like,” The Forest Spirit King opened his eyes and looked down at the young teenager, “I brought you here because you may be the only one who can help us restore the harmony between humanity and Nature itself.”

“Admittedly, now that we’re seeing what a shit job of that you’re doing, I’m starting to wonder if all is lost.”

Unable to support himself any longer, Alex collapsed to his knees on the ground and sat in a defeated slouch, his head hanging forward. “I don’t understand any of this,” he said. I thought I was sent here as punishment for pissing off some dead God’s spirit. He then looked back up at Somiesa, “How could you be the one who sent me here if you and these other Kings are still alive?”

The Tree-Ape Spirit King smiled, “I suppose that does need to be explained. Very well, I shall tell you all that you wish to know.” He paused for a moment, “But in order for you to understand what I tell you, you must first be able to understand the world of the Gods and the Spirit Kings.”

Alex sighed and leaned back, supporting himself on his hands. “Alright,” he said, “Explain away then; I’ve got nothing better to do with my time.”

I’m sure it’ll be agonizing. But, we’ll get to that next week, I think. I kind of have to, really. When I riff chapters, I copy down chunks of the chapter, and I just realized how much of this chapter I tried to fool myself into thinking I could riff this week (chapter thirteen is stupidly long. I copied down something like a full third of the entire chapter, like a madman). If I were to riff all of what I copied down, this would possibly be the longest riff ever posted in the Library, and would take me like a month to finish. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Not much happened besides some bullshit dialogue between bullshit characters, and sadly, the next entry looks to be more of the same, but because chapter thirteen is so long, odds are we’ll get to the, uh, “good” stuff soonish. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, I’ll see you next time!

…So, welcome to the riffing scene, Scarlet.

Scarlet: I want off.

Sorry, ain’t no brakes on the agony train.

Paulo: It is rather like signing a blood pact: you regret it forever.

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23 Comments on “1661: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Two”

  1. Angie says:

    Oh, well, if that’s the case, I say let it burn.

    You made this one too easy.

    Also, good to see you back!

  2. Angie says:

    Scarlet: I want off.

    Sorry, ain’t no brakes on the agony train.

    Paulo: It is rather like signing a blood pact: you regret it forever.

    Aw, you guys. You make it sound like us torturing ourselves for the entertainment of others is a bad thing.

    • SC says:

      Glasses certainly enjoys it.

      Glasses: Sometimes, they use whips~

      Of course, we’ve long established that her kinks are a dark world that no one should enter.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Scarlet got sick of hearing it and put himself through a thorough and exhaustive training regimen that, in ten years’ time, transformed him from a weak, small and timid boy into a strong, brave swordsman who, in spite of his short stature, could stand taller than even the king of Mesyth himself. He then went on to fight in the frontlines of dozens of battlefields during one of Mesyth’s bloodiest wars, and earned himself a shining reputation as Clan Siward’s greatest son.

    So basically, he’s Theodore Roosevelt?

    • Angie says:

      I fuckin love Theodore Roosevelt. My favorite president.

      • SC says:

        I rather liked Andrew Jackson, myself. That guy took a sword upside the face and was still all, “I DIDN’T FEEL SHIT, YOU ENGLISH FUCKS!”.

      • SC says:

        Took it across the hand, too.

        “GUESS I’LL LEARN HOW TO FLIP YOU OFF WITH MY OTHER FINGER, THEN!”

      • Angie says:

        He’s like Lafayette in that respect, then.

        Also, I agree, but Andrew Johnson was a twat.

      • BatJamags says:

        Andrew Jackson had his… downsides, to put it diplomatically, but I will grant (no pun intended, but Grant was also pretty badass) that he was a BAMF.

        One time (and this is second-or-third-hand information that I’m too lazy to look up, so take it with a grain of salt – but I think I read it on Cracked, and their information is generally accurate, if exaggerated), an assassin attacked Andrew Jackson with two pistols. Both pistols misfired, and Jackson’s bodyguards had to pull Jackson off the assassin. They checked the guns later, and both weapons were loaded and in perfect working order.

        Even bullets were afraid of Andrew Jackson.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, no, Jackson was not the best president.

        But he was the most fucking terrifying president.

    • SC says:

      Yeah, basically. If Theodore Roosevelt was a wandering mercenary who shrugged off ideas like loyalty and honor in favor of just killing dudes for shits and giggles.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Bifocals, out in the hall: BUT WHY?!

    Didn’t you read it? It’s because

    a beautiful color of blue.

  5. BatJamags says:

    ‘It’s King-Kong’s great grandpa!‘

    … No. No, it’s really not.

  6. BatJamags says:

    At that moment, the boy’s face lit up and he took a few more steps towards Somiesa, “Does that mean you can send me back? I mean, if you and these Spirit Kings were the ones who sent me here into the past, then you can send me back to the future!”

    Or maybe you could stop and consider for a moment that they brought you back for a reason?

    Damn, Alex is more stupid than I remembered.

    • SC says:

      They even explain the reason, and he’s all like, “wut?”

      To be fair, the reason is such shit that I have the exact same response, but still.

  7. Leider Hosen says:

    Shisha Gami is the Spirit King of the Spirit Kings, but he too, is a Spirit of the Forest. But many of my children have come to know me as the Forest King.”

    BECAUSE THAT’S NOT FUCKING CONFUSING.

    Well you see… well if… It’s sorta like…

    I got nothing, this makes no fucking sense. And here I thought my OU had a complex religion.

    • SC says:

      This goes beyond confusing to just straight-up counterintuitive. Shishigami is the lead guy, but he’s not known as the lead guy, but some monkey fuck who isn’t the lead guy IS known as the lead guy? For fuck’s sake, I understand Hindu easier than this, and I don’t know shit about Hinduism!

      • Leider Hosen says:

        In my OU, everything has a soul, gods are just souls that compose the core of the universe. They have power and influence in descending order from eldest to youngest, with Death being the oldest of all gods and having literal universe destroying power, all the way down to lesser spirits and demons that are as weak as the average human.

        The Gods are split into two “houses”, the bright happy ones just called “the gods” while the dark scary ones are referred to as “The Dark Pantheon”. Death is the head of the dark pantheon, Life is head of the normal pantheon, and the vast majority of mortal issues are caused by their weaker, but still influential kids.

        Most of the complexity stems from the fact that the two pantheons are not strictly divided by “Good” and “Evil”, both groups of gods have equal potential to be douchebags and ironically The Dark Gods are typically the more helpful of the two.

        So again, pretty complex, but it’s still clear who’s the leader of the house, where each god falls on the scale of power, and how they are organized, since they have domains of power that overlap but NO two do exactly the same fucking thing because that would be confusing and stupid (hint, hint).

      • SC says:

        See, no, that’s not confusing, it’s just the normal kind of complexity one would expect from a mythology. What Stone-Man85 is doing is just confusing, with no sense of order or structure.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    -From now on, there’s only going to be two riffing guests, and they won’t be interchanging every week like what was happening before. Looking back now, it was honestly more of a “dude, really?” thing than a “hey, this is pretty neat” thing like I was going for.

    I always felt it was more of a:


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