673: Twenty Warriors – Chapter Eighteen

Title: Twenty Warriors
Author: Herr Wozzeck
Media:  Video Games/Comics/Movies/Cartoons
Topic: Skies of Arcadia/Fire Emblem (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn duology)/X-Men/Punisher/Super Smash Brothers/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Tales of Symphonia/Dead or Alive/Riviera: The Promised Land/Gears of War
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Twenty Warriors: Chapter 18
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

*sigh*

Hey everybody, welcome back to more Twenty Warriors.

*sigh*

This fic has turned into a non-sensical clusterfuck all the way. It’s official. I just… Holy Jesus frosting, this fic is bad.

*sigh*

Well, I guess we better keep going, yeah? Let’s do this.

We open our next chapter with an inane author’s note yet again. When we start the chapter proper…

Raph walked towards the fire, sitting down next to Bowser and Raine as the company all sat around the fire that Kasumi had made.

*SIREN*

Oh, fuck, the DRD got called! Shit! Hide your children, patrons!

*BOOM* *CLACK* *CLICK* *WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRR*

And by that, I mean “hide your children from the massive buzz-saw traps that I erected in the halls last night. Thanks, Bifocals!

They had finally begun to see the light of day in the distant horizon when suddenly it went away, meaning that there was going to be a fairly long night ahead of them. This did not worry Bowser or Raphael too much, but everybody else was quite disconcerted by the twilight that was just settling in. So Raphael and Bowser had gone around, reassuring the group that everything would be all right.

If only they could reassure the reader that they know they’re in a bad fic…

But in their mutual fear, the group sat around the fire, Link sitting back almost relaxed as they gazed at the fire and the embers that danced from it.

I have no idea how the hell you’re supposed to be scared and relaxed at exactly the same time, so I won’t hurt my brain too badly by pondering on this. Instead, I’ll just continue on.

The silence was strange in and of itself, so Link decided to speak up about it.

“You know,” said Link. “I wonder; is that sphere lying to us?”

Oh hey, Link finally gained a fucking brain cell here. That makes me pretty happy.

“If it is, it ain’t bein’ very open about it,” said Raph smugly.

Thank you, Captain Obvious! I totally couldn’t have figured that out on my own!

“That’s the whole point, silly,” said Kasumi. “They seek not to inform us so that we may continue being stupid.”

Oh, you guys didn’t need their help to be stupid! You were already stupid from the moment you entered the fic!

“It’s not fair,” said Genis. “Why would these things lie to you?”

“Don’t ask-a me,” said Mario plainly. “They-a said it. I didn’t.”

And I’m starting to want to hit the snooze button. Can something other than a disingenuous conversation happen already, pretty please?

“And maybe they are trying to put thoughts into your head,” said a disembodied voice.

Just above the fire, a green orb swooped down. At this, Link and Kasumi jumped to their feet, Mario, Bowser, and Raph all raising their eyebrows as Sheena, Raine, and Genis all slowly stood up.

Ah, there we go. Hello, green orb of nonsensicality!

“So you’re that orb,” said Genis slowly.

“Yes, little boy,” said the orb, hovering above the flames slowly.

*bites lower lip*

Must not make pedophile joke… must not make pedophile joke…

“I assume you met one of these people here?”

“Raph and Bowser,” said Sheena, her eyes squinting. “There’s something wrong with you.”

“Oh?” asked the orb.

“Yeah,” said Raine. “You’re too smug for your own comfort.”

Wait, what? How is this orb being smug? It’s being creepy, not smug! I should think there’s a huge difference between the two!

“Smug?” asked the orb. “I am not being smug. I am simply being amusing in a strange way.”

So it’s being amusing by being so bland and forgettable that it’s somehow supposed to make us chuckle at it? Huh, I knew that was a thing around here, but I didn’t think it would get this in-your-face…

“Sounds like smug to me,” said Kasumi.

Well, Kasumi, I guess the two are kind of closely related when it comes to dealing with shitty fanfiction, so you know what? Sure. I’ll roll with it.

“Something strikes me as odd; if you knew where all of the artifacts were, why did you not get them yourself?”

Whoah, what? Did… Did Kasumi just ask the question these characters should’ve asked themselves from the beginning of this story!?

“What do you mean?” asked the orb slowly. “I only know where a few–!”

“Don’t ya lie ta us, ya hear?” asked Raph, already losing his patience. “They said they told ya where their first thing was, and you told us where ours was. Ya know where they all are, I know it!”

And the other characters are actually latching on?

*rereads*

Holy shit, it’s a miracle!

“Oh?” asked the orb, as it suddenly moved away from the fire over a spot of land that was next to Raine. “You wish to know how?”

“So you’re admitting you’re lying to us,” said Link.

“Well, since you know to much, I guess you could say that,” said the orb, its voice suddenly more sinister in nature.

So its response to being called out is to just reveal itself? Oh dear, if this results in another beatdown like what we got last chapter…

The orb then transformed into an enourmous gloved hand with fingers that twitched constantly. Bowser, Link, and Mario all stood their with their mouths agape when they saw the glove.

…

Wait, an enormous gloved hand that just floats in the air…?

“M-master Hand?” asked Bowser. “What are you doing here?”

“No, I’m not that Master Hand,” said the gloved hand. “I’m his twin.”

“You-a mean, Crazy-a Hand?” cried Mario. “What in-a the world?”

“But I thought you were banished to an alternate dimension!” cried a shocked Link.

…

*headdesk*

Of course one of the bad guys is one of the hands from the Smash Brothers series. It’s like Herr Dumbass looked back and realized “oh shit, I labeled this as a Smash fanfic, I better get more Smash presence into this fic right now!

*headdesk*

Oh, Lord, this fic is stupid as hell.

There are a couple more lines of dialogue, and then after that we get another action scene. I’d comment on how it’s poorly-paced, but I’m just glad that the story isn’t cutting to anything else when something actually halfway interesting happens. So anyway, the action scene happens, and the group beats down Crazy Hand. When they do, we get this exchange:

“Damn, you’ve gotten even stupider than I remember you being,” said Bowser.

And Bowser has just summed up the reaction of any rational human being that has read this fic.

“Now tell us, what’s going on here?”

“The Organization doesn’t exist…” said Crazy slowly. “Mark my words well; the Organization does not exist!”

“Ha!” cried Raine. “I knew that Organization was nonexistant from the beginning!”

“How?” asked Crazy Hand.

Well, there’s the odd specificity about groups of two, the fact that most of these guys didn’t bump into the other groups, the fact that this evil plan is fucking stupid… the list goes on, really.

“Think about it,” said Raine. “Why would any sensible person seem to talk like they know everything.

Because they’re secretly the author of Twin Humanities, they lack the proper punctuation, and why the fuck are you saying this to someone who isn’t acting in a completely pretentious manner?

So now you’re the ringleader?”

“Me and my friend,” said Crazy slowly. “And I won’t let you warn my brother about this! You come anywhere close to the Smash Mansion, and I will kill you just like my friend killed those insignificant scumbags!”

What these guys should say: “Insignificant scumbags? What the hell are you talking about?”

What actually happens:

And with this, the hand teleported away, Bowser falling on his feet onto the ground and landing on the back of his shell. Link shook his head distastefully at this disappearance.

Eh, at least something happened. It’s funny how this fic only decided to have shit actually happen over the course of the past few chapters.

“I always knew Crazy was a coward,” said Link. “But honestly? This is a new low for him!”

Link, this is a new low for everybody involved. I mean, I know you’d expect that out of a second-order idiot plot, but still!

“So you knew Crazy,” said Kasumi.

“Yeah,” said Bowser as he rolled onto his stomach with Mario’s assistance and stood up from there. “He was the brother of a friend of ours.”

“Master Hand?” asked Sheena.

“Yep,” said Link with a shrug.

“And what did this guy do?” asked Raph, his head tilting to the side in curiosity.

“It’s-a very-a long story,” said Mario. “But it-a began like-a this…”

It’s a very long story, huh? Well, knowing stories like this, I think we can go for the most clichéd route available: banishment to another dimension. Right?

Master Hand had had enough of his younger brother, and a strange kind of glee filled him as he hovered in the witness’s stand with his own brother on the other side.

…

…

Wait, what? Why is Master Hand happy about the fact that… wait, what’s he doing, anyway?

Crazy Hand had been borderline insane for a few months now, he was sure. The antics he would pull around the mansion were very insane. But what he had just done had taken the cake for Crazy being officially insane.

And now, Master Hand was fully prepared to deliver justice on his brother.

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you whatever Gods you believe in?”

“I do,” said Master Hand, and then the prosecutor stepped forward towards the witness stand.

So Master Hand is taking great glee in speaking against his brother? Um… are we sure Crazy Hand is the bad guy here? ‘Cause short of saying “oh, he was involved in satanic ritual”, I’m pretty sure that Master Hand is currently looking more evil right now.

“Now, did you see your brother engaged in any of these rituals?” asked the prosecutor.

“No,” said the gloved hand. “But I saw the pentagrams all over the place, and the blood smeared the walls of my bedroom quite frequently.”

“And the blood was identified as belonging to several smashers, yes?” asked the prosecutor.

“We found a bunch of bodies out in the shed the other day,” said Master Hand somberly as his brother was shaking against his bonds. “It was very sad…”

*headdesk*

Goddammit, I need to learn to stop tempting fate like that.

“I see,” said the prosecutor softly. “And the blood was needed for the sacrifices, yes?”

“They had been left in the shed for weeks,” said the gloved hand. “I don’t know what else needs to be said.

I think something along the lines of “oh, by the way, I’m actually really happy about this and this may be an indication that I framed him” would be appropriate.

“No more questions,” said the prosecutor. The defendant’s lawyer then came up in his perfect incapability that Master Hand sensed would be his brother’s downfall.

Um… why? And what the hell is that even supposed to mean, anyway?

“And what makes you think the bodies were used for a satanic ritual?” asked the lawyer slowly.

“The blood was completely drained from their bodies,” said Master Hand. “The forensics found almost no fluids in their bloodstreams in the autopsies. Where else do you get that much blood, anyway?”

“Well, sir, I would think that–!”

“Objection!” said the prosecutor. “That is a statement, not a question.”

“Sustained,” said the judge, as the defendant’s lawyer shook his head.

“But don’t you have the power to do the things that were done without satanic worship involved?” asked the defendant’s lawyer.

“Of course not,” said Master Hand, impatient with where this was going. “I can summon gigantic bullets, but for heaven’s sake, I can’t slit a person’s throat with thin air!”

“And could you…?” asked the defendant, stumbling on his words horribly. “Could you have possibly neglected the people that died.”

“They said they were going out to town the day they disappeared,” said Master Hand calmly despite his growing anger. “How was I supposed to know they were killed?”

Crazy Hand’s lawyer sighed slowly, knowing the case was forfeit after that point.

“No more questions,” he said.

The defendant’s lawyer walked away, dejected at himself for his failure.

Wait, what the fuck? Did this fic just…

*headdesk*

Does the insanity defense not exist in whatever bizarre, unwell world this piece of shit is taking place in? And wait, it seems awfully convenient that they were all going out of town whenever they disappeared. Why isn’t the defender asking about that? And why the fuck does Master Hand ask ‘where’d they get all the blood’? And… and…

And wait, if you’re going to talk about how Crazy Hand apparently killed a bunch of people in the name of satanic ritual, why the fuck did you do so via a court case? What, did you just look at this situation and say “you know what, this fic needs some Judge Judy before we go off and do stuff”? That doesn’t… I don’t…

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Just continue with the flashback, please!

The next week, Crazy was bound to a wooden stake that was going to be slid into a portal that was in front of him.

“You son of a bitch!” cried the angry hand at Master Hand and the smashers who were watching them. “I’ll be back! You’ll see! And when I do come back, it’ll mean death to you and your stupid company!”

So Crazy Hand has devolved into something like what you’d get if Megatron were in a Nintendo game. I mean, granted, Crazy Hand has very little in the way of personality that’s been developed in-game, but still!

Crazy Hand had been sentenced to be banished to an alternate dimension to remain tied to a stake for all eternity,

You know, ‘cause locking him up in an asylum where he is constantly monitored by people so they can know if he escapes is such a stupid idea! Yeah, let’s banish him to an easily-accessed alternate dimension with no surveillance while tied to an easily breakable wooden object, that is impregnable!

and now was his last chance to be in the world. And the gloved hand was not taking it well, cursing at Master Hand wildly as the log was slowly pushed down a slide and into a shining portal that had a bunch of black fragments surrounding it.

Master Hand shook his fingers slightly as the glove was rolled down the slide into the portal.

And after a few minutes and a whole string of curses, Crazy Hand was banished from the world as the portal closed behind him.

And considering that he just appeared in front of our heroes, I think you know how well that worked out for everyone.

After that, we cut back to our heroes, and then the discuss stuff a little bit.

Kasumi, who was analyzing a kunai knife and was deep in thought about the whole thing, suddenly got an idea and started up.

“He had help,” said Kasumi. “If the conditions are as you say they are, that glove should never have broken free.”

*stores in the to be used later box*

Trust me, this will be hilariously ironic later on down the road. It already kind of is, but you have no idea how bad it’s about to get in that regard.

“That must-a be it,” said Mario with a shrug. “There should be-a no-a way he could have-a broken himself out!”

“So then, who is this other person who helped him out of there…?” asked Genis, everybody lost in thought for a few minutes.

I hear his name is something along the lines of “Theodore H. E. Plot”.

So after this, we get a bit more fleshing out of the backstory of the lady who conveniently killed four of the characters in this piece of ass last time, and then we find out that she too was also interested in satanic ritual. It mentions something about how the smashers had to find this out on their own, too. I’d bitch about how this makes her obviously evil, but at least they’re actually doing said satanic ritual instead of just saying they’re doing it and then using it as an excuse to kill people who don’t practice your religion (*coughThomasBrowncough*). Either way, they then mention that said lady happened to scrawl stuff on the walls about—

*record scratch*

Wait, what!?

“And she was banished for almost the exact same thing as Crazy,” said Link. “There was one thing, though…”

“What was that one thing, then?” asked Sheena.

“She left writing in blood on some of the walls where the people she killed dissapeared,” said Link. “It said something about collecting a bunch of things and…”

Link’s sentence dissolved into nothing as everybody’s eyes suddenly opened widely as they realized something very important. The group looked around with shocked looks on their faces, finding confirmation of their fears in everybody else’s eyes.

“We’ve gotta find the rest of them,” said Genis quickly. “Fast.”

…

The Smash Brothers characters already knew that someone was trying to get a bunch of artifacts to do something… And it happens to be one of our big bads…

…

…

…

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

HOW THE FUCK DID ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS FALL FOR THIS STUPID PLAN!?!?

I just… what!? At least half of these groups have been made of characters from Smash, and Link implies that quite a few smashers knew about it. How the fuck did none of these morons ask themselves how suspiciously similar this sounded to something else that they’re aware of!? They didn’t think to stop and ask “huh, why does this sound familiar”? Really? They fucking went with it!?

Fuck. My. Life.

*headdesk*

Holy shit, the amount of stupid in there alone is enough. I just… I can’t take anymore stupid today. I’m gonna bail while I can.

I’ll see you guys next time. Bring your helmets, ‘cause I trust it’s only gonna get dumber from here on out.

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