672: Raptor and I – Chapter Twenty-threePosted: April 2, 2014
Title: Raptor and I
Author: Akashi.Cloud / ZincRae
Topic: Jurassic Park
URL: Raptor and I: Chapter 23
The fellows who critically gaze upon the wretched fan-tales of horribility: TacoMagic, lustrous gong in hand ready to smite the abominable writers of makebelieve, and Crunchy lord of darkness, his soul a black voidful stain of villainy, his teeth gleaming antithesis of his nature, and inexorable force-wielder for the Sith.
Holy crap that thing is purple this week! Who the hell did you hire to abuse the thesaurus!?
“Marcus said I was not giving him enough to do.”
Maybe make him muck out Gumdrop’s room or something instead of asking him to write stuff.
“Perhaps I should have him write up some tax code. I imagine that he would be remarkably good at that.”
DON’T YOU DARE!
Moving right along.
“WE”RE HOME!”I shouted happily as I stepped out into the clearing where the nests were all located.
“Beta Rae!” Marron cried as he launched himself at me.
“Hey little guy! Did you be good while I was gone?” I cooed to him as I cradled him.
“I missed you very much!‘ Marron whined, cuddling as close to my chest as possible.
“I missed you too sweetie!” I cried, hugging him close.
Nothing is going to happen this chapter, is it?
“It is looking rather unlikely at this point. I shall get the Darkwraiths to prepare us a few cups of roughage.”
“You’re going to spoil the brat.” Sorin said, as he walked passed us.
Says the raptor that was hand-reared by humans and raised with daily room-service.
“Marron deserves it. You’re just jealous of him.” I stuck my tongue out at him.
“So what if I am?” Sorin suddenly said, coming straight in my face. Eepp! Face do not get red! Please don’t!
“Can we go back to the part where nothing was happening? This is worse than nothing.”
“You…. You….. You….” I stuttered.
“ME what?” Sorin purred.
YOU, TARZAN! ME, JANE!
‘We’re back mother.” Lucus, Lexus and Tama greeted their mother since the rest of the pack was busy enjoying the little family reunion.
They’re missing for a few hours and everyone decides that a meet and greet is necessary?
“Mayhap they just assume that pack members are never coming back when they leave. They are understandably excited when people actually come back.”
Isn’t that something dogs do?
Josh on the other hand was standing by himself at the side, a little unsure of what was happening, except that his friend’s face was blushing as red as an tomato.
Honestly, if I saw a friend showing signs of sexual attraction to a large bird precursor, I’d stand well back too. Probably on a different island.
“I say it would be the most prudent course of action to blow up the planet and move on to less disturbing worlds.”
I was really enjoying this. My precious adorable mate’s face was slowly turning red and her heartbeat was rising. It was nice to know that I had this effect on my mate. Me alone could make her turn this red in colour and cause her heart to beat faster than normal.
Technically speaking, getting extremely angry would do that. So Eliza also has this power over her.
“Exercise has a similar effect. So the T-Rex who chased her would also fall into this category.”
And let’s not forget and Big Mama-T.
“How could we ever?”
“So you’re back!” a voice snapped. Who the F*** dares to disturb this moment! I turned and saw Eliza standing there, in an attack position. Sigh… I should have guessed.
Attack position? Ohh man, shit might actually get real here!
“I have the Couch-Team Darkwraiths on standby.”
You have enough darkwraiths that you have special teams!?
“Of course! Those things are everywhere in New Londo, and they respawn. Trivial to get as many as I want.”
“Yea! I back! What is it to you?” My mate growled, her attention focused on Eliza.
Uh, Rae dear, you may not want to pick a fight with a raptor. All you had was a knife and a stick, but the stick has gone missing and you gave the knife to Josh.
“I thought you had become dino food out there, seeing how weak and useless you are.” Eliza taunted.
Oh snap! It is ON!
*Crunchy and Taco jump onto the overstuffed couch as it slides into the room*
“Well too bad for you, I survived, unlike you who, if was in my shoe the T-rex would have gobbled you right up.” My Rae smirked.
“Rae has only one shoe? That has to be uncomfortable.”
Maybe she keeps it strapped to her belt. A replacement for her knife.
“At least I did not have to have half the pack searching for me.” Eliza sneered.
“You have provided a compelling counterpoint, young female!”
Uh, I think you mean ‘You tell her, girl!’
“True. None of us would have to go find you. After all the you would be dino poo or just bones.” My mate grinned. Haha. You tell her my precious!
Uh, Rae, you do realize that you don’t actually have a point here, right? Essentially, your entire argument is, ‘Oh yeah! Well if you got lost, and if a T-Rex had chased you, it would totally have eaten you! I know this because of your stupid face! So there!’
“It is so much easier to create comebacks when you can just make up your own side of the argument. You know what, given Sorin’s reaction, I think this counts.”
Does not actually have a point Sue: 39
… Wait, Did Sorin suddenly become Gollum there for a second?
“Why! You!” Eliza screeched.
“Me what!” I taunted. Psychotic bitch was really getting on my nerves.
“I have to agree with you, Taco. I think Eliza is based on a real person that the author hates. Given how little inter-character interaction we have actually been shown between these two, or even told, Rae’s sudden, intense hatred really comes out of nowhere.”
Yeah, there is just too much animosity by both the author-insertion and the actual author for this to have developed otherwise.
“You can’t even handle yourself. You burden Sorin with the need to protect and provide for you.” The evil bitch from hell sneered.
I think I figured it out. Rae hates Eliza because she keeps making extremely valid points!
“Can’t handle myself? I’ll show you I can’t handle myself!” I growled, lunging for her. I barreled into the bitch and we both went tumbling onto the ground.
“If any of our readers needed further proof that RaeSue has the same neural development as a sea slug, here you are. Rae, one of these:”
“just launched herself headfirst into one of these:”
Poor Eliza doesn’t stand a chance. All she is is a lethal predator honed to perfection over the course of millions of years. How can that possibly stand up against a full-blown Sue?
“Horatio sounded really excited that time.”
It’s because of the exciting point-of-view tag.
“CATFIGHT!” a couple of the teenagers cheered, as they happily watched their beta female roll on the ground wrestling with Eliza.
*Sigh* “So, these raptors do not know the word for ‘gun’ or ‘radio’ despite almost every human on the island having one, yet are familiar with a catfight, a term based on an animal they would never have seen. I am going to count this, if only because the inconsistent voice has had it coming for a long time.”
Plot Shenanigans: 19
How could they be so happy! My precious baby is going to get injured! Or worse killed!
Seems plenty enough reason to be excited to me!
“Darkwraiths! We need more popcorn in here! And remember put a dead squirrel in mine this time!”
“Beta Rae!” Marron cried, running forward but was picked up by the scruff of his neck by Tasha.
“Marron quickly bled out from the neck wound and died on the spot. The End.”
Uh, I’m not sure Marron is enough of a central character for that to be an ending.
“No interfering young man. You can get injured.” She said gently to the chick hanging from her jaws.
“You too baby brother. Alpha male or not, you cannot interfere.” Tama said, blocking my path.
This actually is not true. The only fight the alpha male has to stay out of is one between the alpha female and a challenger. In this case, he’s be perfectly within the structure of the pack to put the smack-down on both of them for disrupting the order of the pack. Granted, it is typically better to let these squabbles settle themselves, but if the alpha wants to lay into them, both of these ladies are viable targets.
“I know. It’s just… just hard to watch.” I ground out.
“Imagine how we feel. We have to read about you watching this.”
I feel sorry for us already.
“Of course it is, but this is essential for Rae.” Lexus said, patting my on the back.
What? It’s essential that she be killed by a raptor?
“That seems pretty important to me.”
“Can you believe it! A cat fight! Oh yea! Kick her butt Rae!” Lucas cheered. Talk about betrayal!
Uh, no, betrayal is if he was suddenly rooting for Eliza.
*Crunchy waves a foam Team Eliza finger* “Neither does it count as betrayal when we do it, since we have always been on Eliza’s side.”
“Shut up brother!” I growled, swiping my tail at him but he managed to avoid it.
“Oh come on baby bro! Don’t tell me you ain’t happy that Rae is fighting to keep her place as beta female and as your mate!” Lucas grinned.
Wait a moment, shouldn’t Rae be dead already? Muldoon lasted about 12 seconds in his raptor wrestling match, and he had both fighting skill and weapons at his disposal. Honestly, how can she still be-
“Even if I am, it is none of your business!” I glared. A loud thud and boos made me turn back to the fight and my heart broke at the sight.
*Crunchy and Taco both stare at the fic, mouths agape* “Did… did Rae just get killed!?”
No. It can’t be, can it? I don’t dare hope, let alone celebrate until we see a corpse.
C’mon, Josh, give us some good news!
I am still deciding I should call Rae stupid, brave or just crazily in love without even realizing it herself.
Yeah, it’s totally the stupid choice. Circle it and draw a bunch of little smiling stars dancing around it.
I think I shall go with the last thought, the crazily in love without even realizing it herself.
Boo, wrong choice! *Taco throws popcorn at the fic*
“And why in the name of His ever-devouring Maw of forgiveness would Josh be okay with that third choice?”
Anyway, she was not a pretty sight to look at now.
Yeah, getting killed and eaten is really bad for the complexion. Gonna need at least a double-layer of foundation to cover that up.
Her face, arms, hands, chest, well it is probably easier to say that there was not one spot on her body that was not covered in scratches.
What!? That’s it? A few fucking scratches? CRUNCHY!
Plot Shenanigans: 20
“Zinc, just so you know, if Eliza genuinely hates Rae, she is not going to be holding back. And, if a raptor is not holding back, you would not be worried about a few paltry scratches.”
Some were pretty deep and weeping while some were not that bad to that extent.
Aww. Buck up, little scratches.
I suppose that it should have been expected if you picked a fight with a full grown female raptor.
No, Josh, almost instantaneous death is what should be expected! Here, this is what SHOULD have happened:
However, the idiot got up and was still standing her ground and is actually succeeding in getting a few punches of her own in.
Plot Shenanigans: 21
“A raptor would not be keeping distance enough for you to be able to actually stand and punch it. See Taco’s source video to see our typical combat approach.”
And what about you?
“Standing back and tossing force lightning is atypical, but I go with what works.”
Back to Rae
You know what, this is just stupid beyond reason, so let’s go into sum-up mode. Rae fights Eliza for a while.
Suddenly Strong Sue: 40
It’s poorly described and consists mostly of them taunting each other. Rae also smirks some more. There’s also this little fail nugget:
I grunted, when she twirled and her tail lashed into my stomach and sent me flying two feet away into a tree and then the cold hard ground.
Without going too deep into the physics, if somebody hits you hard enough to lift you and throw you into a tree, you’re probably not getting back up from the hit. Best case scenario is that you break a lot of bones and have internal bleeding. More likely though, you’d probably just die immediately.
Anyway, Eliza beats the snot out of Rae with her tail for a while.
“YAY!” *Waves his foam finger*
“End of the line for you weakling.” Eliza bent down to hiss in my ear. She slowly lifted her foot and nudged me. I was rolled, making my body burn and ache like never before, all the way until all I saw was a bottomless pit of darkness. A Pit! Bloody hell woman, did you have to roll me down there when I can barely lift an arm! You seriously know how to make my life a living hell!
“Eliza, dear, why the pit? Just rip her open and let her die the old-fashioned way.”
Yeah, hate to admit it, but you’re dropping the ball here, Eliza. I know, it’s the Sue force having its way with you, so we can forgive.
Hold on a second, why is there a bottomless pit near the raptor nests? And why is this the first time we’ve heard of it!?
Plot Shenanigans: 22
“It seems the PCC was busy while everyone was out searching for Rae.”
“Bye bye Rae. Eliza, the psycho cooed in my ear before she gave me one good hard kick.
“YAY!” *Waves the foam finger some more*
While your methods were sloppy, Eliza, we won’t argue with the results! Not only did you beat the snot out of a raging Sue, but you dumped her into a bottomless pit. We salute you!
I could not take it anymore! My precious Rae was a mess, there was claw marks covering every length of her body and all of them were running bright red blood.
Count your blessings, dude. Anyone other than a Mary Sue would have been dead before anyone even knew there was going to be a fight.
“I see the formatting has changed mid-chapter. Now only the raptor POV tag is bolded and the text is normal.
How I wanted to run right up to her and kick Eliza’s butt six was to Sunday but I could not. Argh! Who ever came up with the rule that the alpha male could not get involved in any challenges to the alpha and beta females, I curse you!
See, Zinc? Even your characters realize that your pack rules are nonsense! No, honestly, think about it. If Sorin decided to step in, what is going to happen to him for breaking this rule? He is the alpha male. He runs the pack! It’s not like there’s some raptor council or pack police out there to make sure he follows the rules. He can make up his own rules if he wants, and he must have made up at least a few because Raptors have been extinct for several million years! If anyone in the pack doesn’t like the new rules, they challenge him for aplha status. If he defeats the challenger, then he gets his way! That’s how this kind of pack works! The only, ONLY one he doesn’t mess with is the alpha female.
“This is why you need to plan your plot beyond the moment, Zinc. You would make a lot fewer logical mistakes if you planned everything out first.”
Anyway, Sorin watches like a lump as Rae gets her ass handed to her… and then:
“NO!” I roared, running forward, my heart praying that I could reach my mate in time while my brain told me that it was impossible, that I was too late. I could hear the cries of my siblings and mother but that did not matter, I had failed my mate, I had failed to keep her safe and now… now… she was…gone…
WOO! *Throws popcorn around in celebration*
“We love you, Eliza!”
AN: Okay! That all for now!
Uhh.. we’re only like 2/3 of the way through the chapter, Zinc. Is the rest of that an author’s note? If so, I may as well just skip past it right now-
HAHAHA! I ain’t that cruel, I made you all wait for almost two months! Read on!
Oh for fuck’s sake!
Stop being so damn insipid all the time, Zinc! You’re not being cute, and this is not how you build tension!
“One of the good things about the author needing to show us everything from every point of view is that we are going to get to see Rae die multiple times!”
I could not believe it! The green female raptor just killed my best friend!
I know! We can’t believe it either! It’s like a dream come true, finally a fic author willing to kill their self-insertion!
My brain just could not grasp the fact of what I just saw with my own eyes. The green murderess had turned around and was laughing, well I guess she was.
Suddenly, she disappeared from view and all we heard was a long shrill cry that echoed in my ears and then a sickening thud. WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
Crunchy, I think Rae just pulled Eliza into the pit with her. Now is your chance!
“Darkwraiths! We need an immediate extraction on Eliza! Get her out of there!”
*Darkwraiths rush off to the literary transporter.*
I was not the only one that was shocked, all the other raptors were as well, except Sorin who was frozen. We all stared at the pit when out of no where, a hand shot up and grasped the edge of the pit.
BOO! *Throws popcorn at the fic*
“Oh that tears it! First, you get one for this horrible contrivance of a fight scene!”
Plot Shenanigans: 23
“And another for the end of it being so cliché!”
Plot Shenanigans: 24
“And one more for Rae surviving!”
Plot Shenanigans: 25
“And Rae gets one for surviving, too!”
Invulnerable Sue: 41
“And another for this sudden ability to fight AND HANG ON TO A LEDGE despite the fic constantly asserting that she is physically clumsy and weak.”
Fake Flaw Sue: 42
I drew in a sharp breath when I realized to whom did that hand belong to too.
What, did you expect that there might be other people down in that pit? Man, you really ARE an idiot aren’t you, Josh?
“Taco, that author just correctly used the word ‘whom, albeit awkwardly.'”
I know, I’m amazed too.
Soon, the hand extended to an arm, a shoulder, a chest and then her face.
“Good thing you are not helping her out the pit or anything, Josh. It would be terribly out-of-character for you to suddenly validate your presence in this fic by actually doing something useful.”
Yeah, Josh is a pretty big load in this fic, isn’t he?
Rae was alive! Alive! I immediately ran to her to check on how she was doing. HOW?
Your definition of “immediately” is quite a bit different from ours, Josh.
“As for the how, I think you will have to take that up with the PCC; only they know how this was made possible. I am thinking a handy ledge just below the mouth of the opening.”
I really thought I was going to die when I went over the edge but by some miracle,
Or, in this case, by the machinations of the Plot Contrivance Corporation, Singapore division.
“Here it comes! Ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge!”
there were some vines that I had blindly managed to grab when I fall.
Aww, tough luck man. It was vines.
“Drat! So close!”
I gotta say, this is a weird new spin on a Cliffhanger Copout. Normally it’s just a slap-dash way to solve a cliffhanger in the next chapter, but in this case not only did she cop out of the cliffhanger, but she did it in the same chapter… removing the point of even developing one. I… this is just a whole new way to fail.
At this point we’re treated to a rather lengthly climbing scene as we get to see three paragraphs of Rae extracting herself from the pit. I’ll spare the readers and just skip past it. Beyond that, we see Rae accidentally yanking Eliza into the pit by mistaking her tail for another vine.
“As you always say, better lucky than good.”
Indeed. How are those darkwraiths doing, by the way?
*Checks his sPhone* “They cushioned Eliza’s fall with a pile of interns and are on their way back to the extraction point. Apparently the scream we heard was the intern who was unfortunate enough to be on the top of the pile. Eliza landed claws first.”
Anyway, all the raptors are happy to see Rae is alive, for whatever reason, and we cut back over to Sorin and jump back in time… again… to see the scene where Rae pulls Eliza into the pit… again. And we end on this:
I had to push her pet, Josh away so that I could carry my mate in my own arms. I nuzzled my head into her chest and heard the most beautiful sound in the world.
I heard her heartbeat. She was alive. My baby. My Rae. My mate.
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Whew. Glad this mess is over. That was easily the worst chapter in this whole fail-pile. But you know what’s so bad about it?
“That this was all essentially Sorin’s fault, and it did not really accomplish anything?”
YES! EXACTLY! The situation wouldn’t have existed if Sorin hadn’t have been so nonsensically super-spy about Eliza! But, not only that, but his secrecy HAD NO BENEFITS AT ALL! NONE! All it did was manufacture the tension between Eliza and Rae. It never provided anything to forward the plot about Eliza being from another pack. We never got to see what Eliza was planning. We never even got to see Eliza doing anything suspicious! The only, ONLY reason why we should have suspected Eliza of anything at all was because Sorin and Rae told us that Eliza was suspicious, and Eliza’s bio in the Who is who chapter had all the mustache twirling. But, the only thing we were shown was that Eliza was the only raptor who operated from a point of logic and common sense instead of blind Sue-worship.
But, in killing her this way, the entire story-arc featuring her was invalidated. It served no purpose at all because nothing has really changed. From a plot standpoint, we’re at the very same place as we would be if Eliza had never happened. Way to go, Zinc, you entirely fail at writing coherent plot.
*A darkwraith stalks in and whispers into Crunchy’s ear*
“Very good, lock her in my room. I shall be along in short order to seduce her.”
Are you serious, man!? We’ve been spending the last twenty-three chapters harping on Sorin for this very thing, and now you’re going to do it!
“I do not see this as being anywhere near the same thing, Taco.”
Oh I bet. It is all the same with you raptors! You find somebody that you want, you trap them, separate them from all they know, and then move in with the seduction! You make me sick.
“Spare me your rhetoric. She has already established that she wants this; it is a mere formality at this point. And the match makes good sense. I am a raptor, she is a raptor. I am lovably evil, she has aspirations of conquering and ruling over an island nation of dinosaurs. It is an absolutely perfect match.”
Keep telling yourself that, Sparky. Nothing you can say will make you forcing this romance on Eliza okay.
“Romance? Do you genuinely think I care one iota about your monkey love? Romance, blech, the very thought! As a rule I never touch the stuff; such an unnecessary distraction.”
But, you said yourself that you’re going to go in there and seduce-
You were talking about the Dark Side of the Force, weren’t you?
“Why would I have meant anything else?”
Ah, yeah, fair enough then. Go seduce away; as you say, largely a formality at this point. Pretty sure all you’ll have to say is “Force lightning” and she’ll be begging you for apprentice robes.
*Crunchy scampers off*
Until next week, patrons!