920: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune – Chapter OnePosted: December 29, 2014
Well, hellooooo there, lovely patrons. Today I have the start of an incredibly baffling story called “My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune,” or MJAWF for short. This is, you read correctly, a fanfiction based on the game show “Wheel of Fortune.” It probably isn’t the oddest thing I’ve riffed before (remember “Birthday Surprise?”) but it’s pretty damn close. Plus, it’s multi-chaptered, because one chapter of this crap wasn’t enough, I guess.
Here’s the summary to get us started:
CAST Kierain Geaney me Adriana Xenides John Deeks John Burgess featuring music from bands like Divinyls
That’s the story summary. A list of names with no commas to differentiate them, and a soundtrack.
This story was written by the same author that wrote another of the gems featured in our Library when we first opened our doors: The Golden Girls Play Grand Theft Auto IV Online.
Buckle up, friends. This is going to be interesting.
My Job On Wheel Of Fortune
Chapter I Only The Good Die Young
That’s a disconcerting chapter title for a fic about a television game show. I’m not sure if I should be concerned. The fic is listed as Fantasy/Friendship. That doesn’t really raise any red flags for people dying.
Kierain Geaney arrives at Wheel for his first day as cameraman
Geaney is the author’s listed penname. I’m guessing that Kierain is his self insertion. I could be wrong, though, considering “me” is listed after “Kierain” on the nonsensical story summary. Either that or the me is to indicate that Kierain is the author. This is why using punctuation is important.
“Hi” a voice said behind him
He Wheels round
No periods after sentences, no comma after speech, random capitalization…
*glances at the rest of the chapter*
Fucksticks. No wonder gothicrocker can’t use any carriage returns in “of wolf and woman.” Geaney stole them all for this fic. Every single sentence is separated by a double carriage return.
” You you’re you” he stammered star struck
I’m guessing this is someone important for the Australian version of the show, given our
author’s protagonist’s reaction.
… Okay, things just got really weird. Get out your notebooks, everyone. It’s lesson time.
*wheels out the chalk board*
1.) Adriana Xenides was a hostess on Australia’s version of Wheel of Fortune. She did Vana White’s job.
2.) She retired from the Wheel in 1999.
3.) She died in 2010.
4.) This fic was posted in 2011.
So either we have gone back in time to anywhere between 1981 (when she started on the show) to 1999, or our author has not realized that his “star struck” inducing television personality was deceased when he wrote this.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” she asked
Staring at a zombie, apparently.
“sure” Kierain replied
Point camera. Press button. How hard can it be?
The show starts up
Wait, that’s it? No explanation of his job duties? No training? Not even an introduction to the other camera men?
“I’d like to say welcome to our new cameraman Kierain Geaney” Adriana beamed
Careful your jaw doesn’t fall off there, ZombAdriana. I hear that’s a problem if you move your mouth too much.
“Hi” he smiled
If you’re behind the camera, no one can see you smile.
During the show Adriana often smiles and winks at him
You’re behind a giant-ass camera. She’s smiling and winking at the television audience. Don’t be so full of yourself, Geaney.
After the show she talks to him
You’re daybooking, Geaney. I lost interest after the first word.
“you did very well” she beamed
*squints* She’s beaming so much I’m going to need sunglasses soon.
Shucky-darn Ms. Zombie Hostess!
“would you like a lift home?” she asked
“yes please” Kierain smiled
How did she know he didn’t drive himself to work that day? They have shared all of two sentences this entire time, and none of it had to do with his mode of transportation.
In the car Divinyls “Science Fiction” plays
“I thought that love was Science Fiction until I saw you today
Now that love is my addiction I’ve thrown all my books away”
GAH! Song lyrics in the fic!
*grabs her sledgehammer*
“Do you like that?” Adriana asked
The way that’s worded it makes it sound like Adriana is doing something questionable to Kierain. Pull over first, damn it. You’re going to cause an accident.
“Yeah Chrissy Amphlett is one of my favorites Kierain replied
You know what, I’m not going to bother wasting punctuation on you. *hugs the spare punctuation box to her chest* My babies don’t deserve your crap-fic.
The next day at Wheel Deeks and Burgo are fooling around with one of those stuffed footballs from Mcdonalds
What are they doing?!
Burgo crashes into Kierain
“Watch where you’re going!” Adriana ordered
Wow, she’s bossy, isn’t she? I hear that can happen with television celebrities. I’ve actually heard from someone who went on the American version of the show that Pat Sajak is a complete and utter douche bag.
Burgo looks embarrassed as he gets his ball
Awww, did you just get in twubble?
During a lunch break they fool around again this time knocking Kierain over
Dudes. Seriously. Go into a dressing room for that kind of stuff. This is going to make the live studio audience really uncomfortable.
Adriana helps him up
“Up you come handsome” she said putting him back in his chair
“sorry” the Johns both said
This is the strangest and more boring wet-dream-fic I’ve ever read. I mean, seriously. What the hell is this even about? Every single character has the personality of a wet blanket, and the main character can’t even stick up for himself, letting a zombie hostess do it for him. He’s got less personality than a cardboard box.
There’s no plot. It’s seriously, “I came to work. She is nice to me. She drove me home. I came to work. A few guys were mean to me. She was nice to me.” There’s absolutely nothing interesting going on. At. All. Someone actually favorited this fic. There are 4 reviews that actually like what’s going on in this train-wreck. The 5th reviewer is one of our kindred spirits, questioning the sanity of the previous reviews and of the author of the story.
I’m going to leave it here for now. Join me next week when we finish up of wolf and woman.