920: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune – Chapter One

Title: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune
Author: Geaney1992
Media: Television
Topic:  Wheel of Fortune
Genre: Fantasy/Friendship
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle

Well, hellooooo there, lovely patrons.  Today I have the start of an incredibly baffling story called “My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune,” or MJAWF for short.  This is, you read correctly, a fanfiction based on the game show “Wheel of Fortune.”  It probably isn’t the oddest thing I’ve riffed before (remember “Birthday Surprise?”) but it’s pretty damn close.  Plus, it’s multi-chaptered, because one chapter of this crap wasn’t enough, I guess.

Here’s the summary to get us started:

CAST Kierain Geaney me Adriana Xenides John Deeks John Burgess featuring music from bands like Divinyls

That’s the story summary.  A list of names with no commas to differentiate them, and a soundtrack.

This story was written by the same author that wrote another of the gems featured in our Library when we first opened our doors: The Golden Girls Play Grand Theft Auto IV Online.

Buckle up, friends.  This is going to be interesting.

My Job On Wheel Of Fortune

Chapter I Only The Good Die Young

That’s a disconcerting chapter title for a fic about a television game show.  I’m not sure if I should be concerned.  The fic is listed as Fantasy/Friendship.  That doesn’t really raise any red flags for people dying.

Kierain Geaney arrives at Wheel for his first day as cameraman

Geaney is the author’s listed penname.  I’m guessing that Kierain is his self insertion.  I could be wrong, though, considering “me” is listed after “Kierain” on the nonsensical story summary.  Either that or the me is to indicate that Kierain is the author.  This is why using punctuation is important.

“Hi” a voice said behind him

He Wheels round

*twitches*

No periods after sentences, no comma after speech, random capitalization…

*glances at the rest of the chapter*

Fucksticks.  No wonder gothicrocker can’t use any carriage returns in “of wolf and woman.”  Geaney stole them all for this fic.  Every single sentence is separated by a double carriage return.

” You you’re you” he stammered star struck

Adriana smiled

I’m guessing this is someone important for the Australian version of the show, given our author’s protagonist’s reaction.

*Googling montage!*

… Okay, things just  got really weird.  Get out your notebooks, everyone.  It’s lesson time.

*wheels out the chalk board*

1.) Adriana Xenides was a hostess on Australia’s version of Wheel of Fortune.  She did Vana White’s job.

2.) She retired from the Wheel in 1999.

3.) She died in 2010.

4.)  This fic was posted in 2011.

So either we have gone back in time to anywhere between 1981 (when she started on the show) to 1999, or our author has not realized that his “star struck” inducing television personality was deceased when he wrote this.

 

“Do you know what you’re doing?” she asked

Staring at a zombie, apparently.

“sure” Kierain replied

Point camera.  Press button.  How hard can it be?

The show starts up

Wait, that’s it?  No explanation of his job duties?  No training?  Not even an introduction to the other camera men?

“I’d like to say welcome to our new cameraman Kierain Geaney” Adriana beamed

Careful your jaw doesn’t fall off there, ZombAdriana.  I hear that’s a problem if you move your mouth too much.

“Hi” he smiled

If you’re behind the camera, no one can see you smile.

During the show Adriana often smiles and winks at him

You’re behind a giant-ass camera.  She’s smiling and winking at the television audience.  Don’t be so full of yourself, Geaney.

Like this one.

Like this one.

After the show she talks to him

*yawns*

You’re daybooking, Geaney.  I lost interest after the first word.

“you did very well” she beamed

*squints*  She’s beaming so much I’m going to need sunglasses soon.

Kierain blushes

Shucky-darn Ms. Zombie Hostess!

“would you like a lift home?” she asked

“yes please” Kierain smiled

How did she know he didn’t drive himself to work that day?  They have shared all of two sentences this entire time, and none of it had to do with his mode of transportation.

In the car Divinyls “Science Fiction” plays

“I thought that love was Science Fiction until I saw you today

Now that love is my addiction I’ve thrown all my books away”

GAH!  Song lyrics in the fic!

*grabs her sledgehammer*

Angry_woman_with_computer

“Do you like that?” Adriana asked

The way that’s worded it makes it sound like Adriana is doing something questionable to Kierain.  Pull over first, damn it.  You’re going to cause an accident.

“Yeah Chrissy Amphlett is one of my favorites Kierain replied

You know what, I’m not going to bother wasting punctuation on you.  *hugs the spare punctuation box to her chest*  My babies don’t deserve your crap-fic.

The next day at Wheel Deeks and Burgo are fooling around with one of those stuffed footballs from Mcdonalds

200_s

What are they doing?!

Burgo crashes into Kierain

“Watch where you’re going!” Adriana ordered

Wow, she’s bossy, isn’t she?  I hear that can happen with television celebrities.  I’ve actually heard from someone who went on the American version of the show that Pat Sajak is a complete and utter douche bag.

Burgo looks embarrassed as he gets his ball

Awww, did you just get in twubble?

During a lunch break they fool around again this time knocking Kierain over

Dudes.  Seriously.  Go into a dressing room for that kind of stuff.  This is going to make the live studio audience really uncomfortable.

Adriana helps him up

“Up you come handsome” she said putting him back in his chair

“sorry” the Johns both said

Adriana glares

This is the strangest and more boring wet-dream-fic I’ve ever read.  I mean, seriously.  What the hell is this even about?  Every single character has the personality of a wet blanket, and the main character can’t even stick up for himself, letting a zombie hostess do it for him.  He’s got less personality than a cardboard box.

There’s no plot.  It’s seriously, “I came to work.  She is nice to me.  She drove me home.  I came to work.  A few guys were mean to me.  She was nice to me.”  There’s absolutely nothing interesting going on.  At. All.  Someone actually favorited this fic.  There are 4 reviews that actually like what’s  going on in this train-wreck.  The 5th reviewer is one of our kindred spirits, questioning the sanity of the previous reviews and of the author of the story.

I’m going to leave it here for now.  Join me next week when we finish up of wolf and woman.


70 Comments on “920: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune – Chapter One”

  1. :reads title:

    There’s Wheel of Fortune fanfics?!?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    He Wheels round

    Actually, this is the only time the random capitalization appears, so I don’t think it’s actually random.

    Oh God, was it supposed to be a pun?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I’d like to say welcome to our new cameraman Kierain Geaney” Adriana beamed

    I’ll freely admit I don’t watch much TV, especially not game shows- is this actually something they do, or is this more Stu-stroking?

  4. SC says:

    GAH! Song lyrics in the fic!

    Song lyrics in the fic?

    …Sh… Sha… Sh-shady Lady…

    Never again, DMC4. You can’t hurt me anymore…

  5. What is with the football? Two of the comments mention them.

    • SC says:

      I looked it up as best I could on Google and got a whole load of stuff related to MacDonald’s.

      I… Have no idea if there’s any correlation, or if Uncle Google was desperately trying to find something that sounds like my search content.

  6. SC says:

    Okay, things just got really weird. Get out your notebooks, everyone. It’s lesson time.

    *wheels out the chalk board*

    1.) Adriana Xenides was a hostess on Australia’s version of Wheel of Fortune. She did Vana White’s job.

    2.) She retired from the Wheel in 1999.

    3.) She died in 2010.

    4.) This fic was posted in 2011.

    So either we have gone back in time to anywhere between 1981 (when she started on the show) to 1999, or our author has not realized that his “star struck” inducing television personality was deceased when he wrote this.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Plus, it’s multi-chaptered, because one chapter of this crap wasn’t enough, I guess.

    Well, it wasn’t enough of Sodor High Tales, so… you know.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That’s a disconcerting chapter title for a fic about a television game show. I’m not sure if I should be concerned.

    Pretty sure that’s the name of a song…

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Fucksticks. No wonder gothicrocker can’t use any carriage returns in “of wolf and woman.” Geaney stole them all for this fic. Every single sentence is separated by a double carriage return.

    Jesus Christ, and no wonder XCOM:the Kisaragi Squad had no spaces: this fic took them all, too!

    • SC says:

      You know what this fic didn’t take enough of, though?

      Kale’s fucking internal monologuing.

      • Too bad we can’t move a little of the clothing porn from Animagus Predator over here. Even some of the gallons of purple prose from various fics around the Library would be welcome.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        We should set up a charity drive! Purple ‘fics can donate their excess description, and have it shipped to regions where the characters can’t even figure out what room they’re in.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’ve got generic raptors and cunning plans!

        *Dumps them into the fic*

      • SC says:

        Here, let me just toss in some bullshit Sue-powers.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I would be honored to contribute a Pretentious Monologue or two.

      • Oh, weaponry! We need plenty of ostentatious weaponry! There was loads left from that US versus the Batarian Hegemony fic and both Jedi’s Destiny fics.

        :whistles:

        SHINOBI-SAN! Get the fōkurifuto!

      • SC says:

        I’ma go get Tai’s bat-thing.

        Oh, and how many knives do you think we can get off that one outfit?

      • SC says:

        I’m sure we could drop the shrine/hospital/warehouse/gas station that Alex lives in in the bin.

      • "Lyle" says:

        You guys are so generous! Any fics with overly excess punctuation we could steal? I don’t want to waste my orphans on this crap but we could borrow some from another fic.

      • SC says:

        My Immortal can provide a myriad of periods and other punctuation flaws, if you want.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well, Ghostie, if it’s setting you want there was some architecture porn in the Omega base in the second AJD, and either PR or FAW (is there really much difference?) had an overdeveloped Citadel replacement that had freaking drawings.

      • Silky says:

        Kiernain “Killer” Geaney strode confidently across the bare, reflective metal floor of the enormous garage of his humble shrine/hospital/warehouse/gas station home, his heavy boots clomping and approximately 8,000 knives jingling like fairy wind chimes on a brisk day. Tossing his long, silky, black-with-ice-blue-streaks hair over his shoulder (and still letting it cover one of his eyes like zOMG those emo guys that are so cute!!!), he blinked his soulful pale lavender amethyst eyes at the rotting but still beautiful Adrianna, who looked around at everything in awe.
        “Killer,” she breathed through what was left of her plump, supple lips, “I had no idea you lived in a place like this. Actually, I had no idea what you looked like or about much of anything until this very moment. What’s up with that?”
        Actually, that was just what she wanted to say. All she ended up saying was, “Hi.”
        “Thanks for the ride, babe,” Kiernain said with a sharp grin. He could tell Adrianna was in love with him. Now all he had to do was figure out how in the Australian heck a guy was supposed to romance a zombie.

      • SC says:

        Why do I only get one like?!

      • Silky says:

        Didn’t you hear the lady, SC? I get all the likes. You don’t get any. And I’m going to hoard them like precious piles of dragon gold.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I’d like to say welcome to our new cameraman Kierain Geaney” Adriana beamed

    *frown*

    Wait, why is Aussie!Vana White giving kudos to the cameraman? Like, you know, the guy who never shows up in front of the camera? There’s a reason we have credits on those shows, you know.

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The next day at Wheel Deeks and Burgo are fooling around with one of those stuffed footballs from Mcdonalds

    *slowly steps away*

    Um… No. Just no.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I’ve actually heard from someone who went on the American version of the show that Pat Sajak is a complete and utter douche bag.

    He’s also an idiot who denies that climate change is a thing, so that doesn’t surprise me in the least.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Up you come handsome”

    THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

    *runs awaaaaaaaaaaaaay*

    I regret nothing!

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    There’s no plot. It’s seriously, “I came to work. She is nice to me. She drove me home. I came to work. A few guys were mean to me. She was nice to me.” There’s absolutely nothing interesting going on. At. All.

    Well, on the bright side, we could’ve gotten a lot worse.

    *shudders*

    Uuuugh, all the Miranda and Cerberus bashing…

  15. infinity421 says:

    Wheel of fortune fanfiction.
    Ahem,

    That is all.

  16. haha I wrote this too as a geeky 17 year old looking back it’s like “what was i thinking?” your reviews are making me chuckle!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Oh hey, welcome to the Library! Didn’t expect to see you here!

      Glad you’re enjoying the reviews so far. I think we all have those moments of “what the hell was I thinking” when we look back at our previous fanfics, so I definitely know the sentiment. Well, and Lyle definitely does to.

      Still, glad you’re enjoying yourself! *throws a party*

  17. SHIT! i just remembered i was 19 not 17!! i think kits bedtime (no really its 2AM here in Melbourne!!)

  18. fun fact though: McDonalds footballs were indeed a thing in the late 90s (Circa 1999 IRC) They were a gimmick sold with Quarter Pounder meals to promote Australian Rules football

  19. […] the Magic School Bus.”  Today’s little fic is actually by our own dear Kierain, of Australian Wheel of Fortune and Golden Girls Play GTA fame.  He even asked us to riff it.  I stuck it in my to-do pile and […]

  20. not wheely vanna says:

    How dare you misspell Vanna White?

    • "Lyle" says:

      People have misspelled my name for 33 years. It happens.

      • GhostCat says:

        I can do you one better- I have been consistently called “Beth” by countless people for thirty-seven years. My name is not Beth. My name is not even remotely close to sounding like Beth. It doesn’t even have the same number of syllables as Beth. And still it keeps happening. I have a theory that I must have a secret twin running around somewhere who is terribly confused as to why everyone keeps calling her Sara.

      • Vanna Obsessed says:

        No, you just Vanna kill Vanna White. I know it. Why do you hate Vanna so much?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ah yes, the classic “misspelling a person’s name means you want to kill them” fallacy. We have dismissed this claim.


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