2454: Cupcakes, Part 2 — Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-
While this so-called horror story continues to resoundingly fail at being even remotely scary, it starts to hit pretty hard with the gross-out attempts in terms of blood and guts and also a bizarre focus on the actions of Rainbow Dash’s bladder.

Title: Cupcakes
Author: Sergeant Sprinkles
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Creepypasta / “Horror” / Torture Porn
URL: Creepypasta Wiki Rehost
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons! Inflate your favorite organs and sort your pegasus wings by color because we are back with more Cupcakes goodness.

Don’t you mean…

baked_bads

Hey y’all, Serketry here. Again. Until this fic is as dead as Rainbow Dash. 

And, of course, by ‘goodness’ I mean ‘incredibly repetitive foreshadowing of incredibly repetitive torture porn’.

Last time, Pinkie Pie fed Rainbow Dash a drugged cupcake and tied her up in a torture chamber underneath Sugar Cube Corner. Much capering and posing with skulls ensued, but it was all pretty pointless. And…. that’s literally it.

dootober_by_paw_of_darkness_ddhidu5-fullview.jpg

EDITED BY EDINPONY COUNTER: 6

Dubiously sexual counter: 4

Read the rest of this entry »


2446: Cupcakes Part 1 — Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-
While the creepypasta under riff today is insanely not scary, it does contain some measure of gratuitous gore and you may not want to read it over lunch.

Title: Cupcakes
Author: Sergeant Sprinkles
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Creepypasta / “Horror” / Torture Porn
URL: Creepypasta Wiki Rehost
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons! Plug your nearest housepet into the television set and make sure your doll vaccinations are up to date, because it’s that time of year again!

Today we’re dealing with a ‘fic that I wasn’t originally planning to ever riff due to its potential Librarian-breaker status (you will see why soon). However, I ran into a bunch of other people in a fimfiction forum I frequent saying that maybe it wasn’t so bad and for the time had some interesting ideas. So now I’m going to show exactly why that’s not the case, on a site with an average readership of ten people that none of the commenters on that forum frequent or even know exists.

Yay me!

Yay us, actually. Hey y’all, Serketry here. The Admiral brought me back. For this. Thanks, Admiral. 

Yeah. This is… a doozie.

Read the rest of this entry »


2291: The Darkening of Equestria — One-Shot

Title: The Darkening of Equestria
Author: Shadow Stormblade
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Romance, Dark, Adventure, Mystery, (pauses for breath) and Thriller
URL: Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by: Serketry

*Indiscriminate staticky sounds*

*TAP TAP TAP* Is this thing on? Hello? Alright, signal looks strong. Morning, y’all, I’m Serketry, and today I’m reporting in live from the Frozen North. My surviving broodmates and I are back at the old hatchery, celebrating our brood-elder’s 80th, and it’s quite the trip down memory lane.

snowling

I remember being taught the basics of engine maintenance, proper firearm safety, and how to operate an excavator- that very one, back there, half-buried in a ditch! Skills still I use to this very day. And before you ask, of course we have a basecamp set up monitoring the Crystal Empire, the love capitol of the world. The question isn’t ‘where are we hiding’, it’s ‘who have we already replaced.’

Well, a janitor’s work is never done, so let’s look at what we’ve got here… The Darkening of Equestria, by Shadow Stormblade. Oh, it’s a recent one, too! Early 2017, by the looks of it. Right after… Season 6…

The horror… The candy-coated horror…

Huh? What do you mean I’ve been sitting here for over an hour? Oh. Alright, moving on. Tags, tell us what we’re dealing wi-

darkening_tags.png

Oh son of a fucking bitch. Wha- HOW?! This fic has, like, 1100 words! How do you fit so much shit into so little space?

Read the rest of this entry »


2172: The God Theory & The Tale of King Ramses — Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-
The second pasta under review today includes scenes of pointless gore and gratuitous torture. While not at all scary, those patrons with sensitive stomachs may not want to read it over lunch.

Title: The God Theory
Author: Toxickawaiicupcake
Media: Web Original
Topic: Religious / Conspiracy Theory / Frothing Idiocy
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: The God Theory

Title: The Tale Of King Ramses
Author: MilitaryBrat
Media: Cartoon
Topic: Courage The Cowardly Dog
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: The Tale of King Ramses

Hello hello, all you patrons! Tune up your eerie banjos and keep on the lookout for files containing suspicious binary, because it’s time once again for

spoop4

“You know, Sakai, I just noticed we’ve never actually riffed a ‘theory’ pasta on this thing, even though they’re a deep, rich well of terrible ideas.”

You know what? You’re right.

As the name implies, ‘theory’ pastas are speculative or hypothetical in nature, which could allow writers the freedom to address more abstract and existential horror topics but in practice pretty much just absolves them of the requirement of making even the Creepypasta Wiki’s usual limited amount of sense or including any sort of coherent plot progression to frame their pretentious pseudo-philosophical ramblings. Possibly the most famous manifestation of ‘theory’ pastas is  (1) the ‘some cherished 90s kids medium has darker implications’ theory-

“- Including the ever-popular ‘the main character’s dying, comatose, or insane and just hallucinating everything’ claim -“

– although  (2) the ‘some IRL event has a darker or supernatural explanation’ theory –

” -even if we already know pretty much what did happen and it’s just humans being humans-“

– and (3) pastas that speculate what would happen if some improbable horrible event happened instead of just writing a narrative describing it happen –

“- but why even would it happen -“

-and of course (4) just pointless empty philosophizing are also common.

“Oh of course!”

Today’s first pasta, The God Theory is mostly of the second variety, although it certainly also contains a hefty dollop of Number Four.

Read the rest of this entry »


2165: Fight For Freedom — Oneshot

Title: Fight For Freedom
Author: Shadowflameking
Media: Cartoon / Video Game
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic / Fallout
Genre: Sci-Fi, Tragedy, and ‘Random’
URL: Fight For Freedom

*It’s a quiet morning at RIFFCON; absent the Admiral and his retinue of highly trained soldiers snarkers, the audible hum of computer equipment softly fills the room. That is, until a bearded, bespectacled human in a jumpsuit makes his way inside, pushing a mop bucket. He sits down at the vacant console an-*

Alright, that’s enough of that. Morning, y’all, I’m Serketry, one of Admiral Sakai’s staff. Sorry, no aliens this time, just me. While technically my list of duties includes I.T. support, squad-based tactics, and all things Homestuck, MLP, and Fallout, most of my assignments have been more… janitorial. Which means I’m here to start mucking out the Orphanage. This here’s my first riff all by my lonesome, so I’m gonna start with something that gives me the home field advantage…

Fight For Freedom, by Shadowflameking, featuring Gore, Violence, and Death.

fight_for_freedom_fimfiction_header.png

How thoughtful of you, fimfiction, to just lay it all out like that. This isn’t the first MLP/Fallout crossover travesty this site’s seen, and with what’s still in the Orphanage, it won’t be the last. It’s either this or keep mopping the floors, and, between you and me, I’d rather riff a dozen shitty MLP fics than clean up after Guard-Novitiate Nina. *shudders*

Welp, time to go to work.

Read the rest of this entry »


1076: Philosopher of Earth – Chapter Three

Title: Philosopher of Earth
Author: Evilcheez271
Media:  Television
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Tragedy / Adventure / Sad / Human / Gore
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Crowbar

Oh hey-ho, everyone! This is The Magnificent Crowbar, and I am finally back with the next chapter of this… Trite.

Oh, and the last one was quite a while ago, so here’s a refresher.

Hoo boy, I should not feel even a little bit happy about this.

Anyways, here’s Philosopher of Earth, chapter 3! Enjoy.

*A painter secretly locks and barricades all exits from the viewing room*

Read the rest of this entry »


952: Philosopher of Earth – Chapters One and Two

Title: Philosopher of Earth
Author: Evilcheez271
Media:  Television
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Tragedy / Adventure / Sad / Human / Gore
URL: Chapters 1 and 2
Critiqued by Crowbar

Hello, my fellow Librarians. I have returned to amuse you all with my agonized screams, and guess what? This time it’s a My Little Pony fic!

…I know, I know, we’ve had quite a few of those here, but I couldn’t just leave it sitting like that. In this particular story, the main character is a misanthropic assbag. I think that’s all the introduction it needs, in fact, so let’s dive in head-first and hope our skulls break before our brains!

Read the rest of this entry »