2291: The Darkening of Equestria — One-Shot

Title: The Darkening of Equestria
Author: Shadow Stormblade
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Romance, Dark, Adventure, Mystery, (pauses for breath) and Thriller
URL: Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by: Serketry

*Indiscriminate staticky sounds*

*TAP TAP TAP* Is this thing on? Hello? Alright, signal looks strong. Morning, y’all, I’m Serketry, and today I’m reporting in live from the Frozen North. My surviving broodmates and I are back at the old hatchery, celebrating our brood-elder’s 80th, and it’s quite the trip down memory lane.

snowling

I remember being taught the basics of engine maintenance, proper firearm safety, and how to operate an excavator- that very one, back there, half-buried in a ditch! Skills still I use to this very day. And before you ask, of course we have a basecamp set up monitoring the Crystal Empire, the love capitol of the world. The question isn’t ‘where are we hiding’, it’s ‘who have we already replaced.’

Well, a janitor’s work is never done, so let’s look at what we’ve got here… The Darkening of Equestria, by Shadow Stormblade. Oh, it’s a recent one, too! Early 2017, by the looks of it. Right after… Season 6…

The horror… The candy-coated horror…

Huh? What do you mean I’ve been sitting here for over an hour? Oh. Alright, moving on. Tags, tell us what we’re dealing wi-

darkening_tags.png

Oh son of a fucking bitch. Wha- HOW?! This fic has, like, 1100 words! How do you fit so much shit into so little space?

A mysterious Alicorn arrives in Ponyville from the depths of the Everfree Forest. Who is this strange pony that no one has seen before? Where did he come from?

This story tells the true story about what really should have happened.

This is my first story on here so be nice!

So I’m guessing this is you, ain’t it.

prince_nightwhatever.png

Guess that explains the Self Insert tag. Maybe I’m still concussed, maybe I’m just a bit snowblind, but that red in that Red & Black sure looks blue. Weird. And wow, your first- and only- entry launched you straight into the orphanage, eh Shadow? That’s an impressive level of failure right there.

As the darkness of Luna’s night gave way to the coming of Celestia’s sun, terror gripped Ponyville, for it was raining fucking fire. Nopony knew how or why the clouds were filled with the burning terror that was being unleashed upon the sleepy village, but they were unable to stop it.

Huh! Well color me impressed. We’ve certainly seen worse starts; this one jumps right into the action, yet it isn’t so bloody grimdark it doesn’t feel like the source material anymore. I mean, we’ve seen this.

Several times!

…let’s see how fast Shadow here can ruin it.

At that moments, their savior appeared.

One sentence. Six words. Not quite a new record, but it’s certainly on the leaderboards.

From the depths of the Everfree forest, a mysteriously cloaked figure emerged, mighty wingspan launching him into the air as he bucked every terrifying cloud out the area. Once the source of the fire had been disbursed, he swept down and used his magic to help extinguish the innumerable fires that plagued the sleepy town.

Ok wow this is almost adorable in how it’s trying to be a real story. And… c’mon, man, Ponyville is anything but sleepy.

With everything extinguished, the entire town came over to thank the mysterious stranger. Only once everypony had gathered around, did he throwback the cavernous hood of his cloak to reveal a magnificent horn splitting the blue mane with white tips.

Hm… Luna’s not gonna like somepony aping her style like that… though, Shadow loses all style points for his frosted tips. Bleh.

The black stallion looked around, standing head and shoulders over even the largest pony, before declaring “Fear not, for you true Prince has saved you!”

Oh this is rich. So you’re the true prince, huh? The Prince of… what, again? Get in line. You’ve got Prince Blueblood, Prince Shining Armor, and this guy

ahead of you, and- for completely different reasons- I highly doubt any of them will back down.

The ponies were so grateful that this mysterious Prince had saved them, they gladly offered anything he could want.

…and then Twilight, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie don their matching Mare-Do-Well costumes and proceed to humiliate him for the rest of the episode…

It was then that the Elements themselves came forth and threw themselves at him, overwhelmed by his sheer presence. He gladly accepted their offers of companionship and lead them all back towards Twilight’s castle, which he now claimed as his own.

I… no. No, this is bullshit. This is some bullshit.

Before they could get much farther than a few feet from the crushing mass of ponies, Mayor Mare came forth and gladly surrendered her position of mayor to the far superior pony that had saved the town with his amazing flying and magic.

Yeahno… the only times seen the Mayor surrender her post were when a power-mad Trixie curb-stomped Twilight in a duel…

…and when the town over overrun by bloodthirsty, weirdly-genre-savvy apples…

Graciously accepting, he lead the Elements back to his castle for a celebratory night celebrating his saving of Ponyville.

And the DRD, upon seeing their next assignment, all headshotted themselves in the head. Hm? Hey, what’s that?

darkening_fancydivider.png

Fancy? OH, the chapter’s over? Alright, not complaining.

The next morning, the sun rose and this time, there was no fire threatening the quiet hamlet of Ponyville.

Well that’s a first.

Today, it was another monster attack.

Ah, THAT’s the Ponyville I remember.

A hydra to be specific.

Cool. Can’t want to see this prick get drawn and fucking quartered.

Leaping out of bed with a mighty flap of his wings, the mysterious stallion launches himself directly from the bedroom window and takes off to save the town once again.

A resounding THUD booms across the town as he lands before the menacing beast.

*BE-BLEEP*

Huh. Proximity alert? I… don’t see anycreature nearby… weird.

With nary a thought, he supercharges his horn and uses a continuous beam of magic to slice through the numerous heads. Six sickening, sickly, squishy thuds accompany the heads as they impact the ground.

…let’s start from the beginning, here. So this douchebag’s capable of one-shotting one of the few magical beasts that haven’t been defeated on the show. Sure. Oh, and somehow the hydra had six heads, not its normal four. Fine. Alright asshole, now let’s see you deal with a royally pissed twelve-headed hydra. You won’t be shooting your way out of this one, ace.

“Fear not citizens of Ponyville! I have saved you from the menacing Hydra!” He called out, voice booming through the town.

And then was promptly torn apart and messily devoured.

It was then that a brilliant flash of light appeared in the skies above the town. The Diarchs were there, radiant in their majestic power as they slowly descended. Landing mere feet from him, they looked at him with shocked expressions.

“Another day, another alicorn usurper to stamp out.”

“It’s… It’s you!” Celestia exclaimed as Luna rushed forward to wrap the stallion in a bone crushing hug.

*DEAD* Rrrroll credits!

“Hello mother,” He says softly to the Princess trying to squeeze the life out of him.

Oh. Because of fucking course he fucking is. Let me guess, Celestia’s the father, or some bullshi- NO, it’s probably Sombra. Yeah, Luna/Sombra’s an annoyingly stubborn bur of a ship the Brony fandom’s caught on.

darkening_fancydivider

Alright, two down, three to go. So what new threat will our valiant hero vanquish today?

*BE-BLEEP*

There’s that prox sensor again. Hello? Anyone, uh, else out here? No? Alright, then.

“What do we have here?!” The voice of the God of Chaos echoed around Ponyville as the Princesses took their leave and teleported back to the Canterlot Palace.

Oh HEY! It’s Discord!

“Show yourself fiend!” The midnight black stallion roared, challenging Discord then and there.

Uh… hey, ‘hero’, you do realize Discord’s an ally, right? Obviously this is late-season, Twilight has her castle.

“But where’s the fun in that?” Discord cooed in reply.

Discord is best draconequus. Even if he had a paw in the dethronement of my boss and the systematic genocide of my fellow changelings, I just can’t stay mad at the guy!

“If I have to find you myself, there will be nothing left when I’m done!” The mysterious alicorn cried, charging his horn.

Ha. Hahahahahaha. I’d like to see you fucking try.

“Well, you’re no fun!” Discord said as he appeared before the black and blue maned stallion.

That’s what I’ve been saying this whole time! I- oh! So you tripped the proximity sensor. I mean, if you want to riff this shit too, be my guest!

“Now, who are you?!”

I couldn’t have put it better myself. Yes, who the fuck are you?

“I am Prince Shadow Stormblade! And I will be the one to vanquish you once and for all you fiend!”

Oh this is gonna be good indeed. Uh, hey, got any more popcorn? Thanks!

As he made his bold declaration, he released his magic and smote Discord with a power so great, if any other tried to use it, they would have been reduced to nothing more than a pile of ash.

Ehehehehehe. Oh man, Discord, remember that time Starlight killed you? And then you haunted the shit outta Twilight’s School of Friendship? Discord? Bud?

Discord quickly found his body turning back into the familiar stone statue that is known throughout Equestria.

What the actual FUCK, Shadow? Pick up a fucking newspaper or something, he wasn’t hostile! Oh, and guess fucking what?

“It’s quite lonely encased in stone, but you wouldn’t know that, would you, because I don’t turn ponies into stone!

Not wasting this chance to rid Equestria of Chaos itself, Prince Shadow Stormblade cast another spell, one that tore open a rift in the fabric of time itself and sent Discord to rot within the void between worlds.

Well, it’s how he’d want to go out, really. Ironically. Farewell, Discord. May you land in a better fic.

“One villain defeated! Soon, all will fall before me as I restore Equestria to its purity!”

…alright Dimwit Socketfucker. It’s clear you can’t be reasoned with. I’m beginning to think this is a trollfic. It’s certainly pissing me off with mechanical precision.

darkening_fancydivider

In no time, the valiant Prince Shadow Stormblade took down Tirek, Gilda, Queen Chrysalis, Starlight Glimmer, even Nightmare Moon herself was removed from within Princess Luna. All were sent to Tartarus for their heinous crimes against Harmony.

…and the fic has all but fucking given up at this point. Why stop there, huh? Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon tormented the CMC for, what, five seasons? There’s still that manticore and some timberwolves in the Everfree you can slaughter.

The only dastardly villain to give him pause, was Sombra. His father. But, he did not let that stop him from protecting the ponies of Equestria and single hoofedly restoring the Crystal Empire.

I hate it when I’m right. Now where was I. Ah, yes. Trixie tried to enslave Ponyville, once. Oh oh, and the Diamond Dogs kidnapped Rarity. Oh yeah, and Starlight Glimmer is ostensibly still out there. Obviously you don’t value redemption, so she has to be on the list. You know what, here:

Why don’t you just fuckin’ KILL EM ALL AND BE DONE WITH THIS FARCE.

And for his heroic actions, Princess Cadence divorced Shining Armor to throw herself upon Prince Shadow Stormblade. None could resist his charm, amazing combat skills, battlefield leadership (he fights all of his battles alone, of course), charm, and grace.

Yeah I think this is a trollfic. It’s too well written, mechanically, to be accidentally this shitty. This was deliberate.

Soon, all those who threatened Harmony itself found themselves on the wrong end of Shadow Stormblade. The most amazing and brave pony in all the land. Sensing that his job was nearly done, he made a brief stop in Ponyville at his castle. There, the Elements of Harmony left their current wielders and began to circle around him, acknowledging him as their new master.

Wouldn’t settle for anything less. What’s next, will the sun and moon bow to his will?

With no more villains left to fight, he flew to Canterlot, crashing through the palace gates.

“I have come to see that I take my rightful place as the first King of Equestria! It is time for you two Princesses to retire back to your old castle in the scary Everfree Forest!” He proclaimed before the entire court.

Yeah… yeah… let’s get this over with.

Luna and Celestia could do nothing but acquiesce to his demands. For they knew that he could easily defeat them both!

The very next day, the Princesses abdicated their thrones and Prince Shadow Stormblade was crowned King Shadow Stormblade. And peace reigned throughout the land.

Peace. Yes. Let’s call it that. Stagnant, lifeless, sterile peace. I guess Discord got his revenge after all:

He’s done this before.

Actually, I’m getting some real strong flashback to Oblivion, when Greymarch stamped out all the joy and madness from Sheogorath’s domain. Just an endless, unstoppable wall of stark white sameness. That’s what this asshat is. He’s the Prince of Order himself. Shadow here wields the power of Stu. Canon characters never stood a chance. I’d better watch my back; he got Discord, so obviously the 4th Wall isn’t solid enough to keep him out.

darkening_fancydivider

Though peace may have taken hold, it became a very lonely time for the King.

Oh REALLY, now? Now that literally everyone else is dead, NOW you feel lonely?

He needed companionship. A call went out to all of the mares of the land. King Shadow Stormblade was looking for the perfect mate. Every mare in Equestria responded to the summons. With so many mares, he couldn’t choose! A harem was formed for him to pick and choose at his leasure.

Yeah yeah, just go on and fuck them all, I saw that tag.

sex_tag.png

Hanging over this shit like the Dick of Damocles.

One pony that surprised him was Princess Cadence. Beautiful though she may be, she did spurn Shining Armor for a chance to earn the love of King Shadow Stormblade.

You already mentioned that last chapter. A bit fuckin’ late to try to pad out this shitshow.

Though she was kept in the harem, it was actually Shining Armor who captured the brave King’s heart.

On one hand, unexpected. On the other hand, a completely predictable move for trying to be a sneaky little shit and suddenly buck readers expectation at the last minute.

The day after arriving in Canterlot, King Shadow Stormblade married Prince-Consort Shining Armor. And they lived a happy life together forever, getting all of the stallion kisses either pony could ever want.

Fin.

darkening_fancydivider

Oh stick your dick in an electrical socket, Shadow Stormblade. Fuck you and the horse you wrote up. Fuck this pretentious, masturbatory joke. What the fuck did My Little Pony do to piss you off? I’m more pissed I can’t even really target Shadow Stormblade! I can’t call him an Edgelord, that’d require, ya know, edge! I can’t even steal the Admiral’s ‘All this edge but I can’t see a point’ meme, because Shadow Stormblade doesn’t even have that to qualify as a one-dimensional character. He is, quite literally, a zero-dimensional character. An absence, a fucking vacuum sucking the joy and the soul out of MLP, like a rolling onslaught of a thousand starving changelings. You know what you are, Shadow? You know what the fuck you are?

pronce

Yeah, I’m about 80% positive this was a trollfic. Though, at the end of my shift, it really doesn’t matter if this was a trollfic, or if it really was a first-time writer’s colossal fuckup; I found it in the orphanage, it met my wordcount cap, and it SUCKED.

*BE-BLEEP*
And there’s that alarm again. Who the fuck is- AH SHIT FUCK *UNSNOP*

Yeah fuck you Frosty the Fun-Slayer, YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME AL-


*End transmission*


16 Comments on “2291: The Darkening of Equestria — One-Shot”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    …alright Dimwit Socketfucker. It’s clear you can’t be reasoned with. I’m beginning to think this is a trollfic. It’s certainly pissing me off with mechanical precision.

    Not just a trollfic but a shitty trollfic- it leaps through the tropes of terrible MLP Gary-Stufics at breakneck speed, but never bothers to actually do anything with them. The best way I have to describe it is a Seltzer-Freidberg “Hey! Here’s a trope!” pseudo-parody.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    He needed companionship. A call went out to all of the mares of the land. King Shadow Stormblade was looking for the perfect mate. Every mare in Equestria responded to the summons. With so many mares, he couldn’t choose! A harem was formed for him to pick and choose at his leasure.

    Oh god dammit.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Dark Title: The Dark Darkening of Dark Equestria in the Darkness
    Dark Author: Dark Shadow Edgelord Dark Stormdarkblade
    Dark Media: Dark Cartoon
    Dark Topic: My Little Dark Pony: Friendship is Dark Magic
    Dark Genre: Dark Romance, Dark Darkness, Dark Adventure, Dark Mystery, (darkly pauses for dark breath) and Dark Thriller! Dark Thriller Night! Nothing’s darkly gonna save you from the dark beast about to darkly strike!
    Dark URL: Entire Dark ‘Fic
    Darkly critiqued by: Darketry

    *Gets out flashlight*

    Damn it, how am I supposed to read the riff like this?

  4. BatJamags says:

    So I’m guessing this is you, ain’t it.

    Oh god, it’s horrible.

  5. BatJamags says:

    As the darkness of Luna’s night gave way to the coming of Celestia’s sun, terror gripped Ponyville, for it was raining fucking fire.

    Don’t make me wash your mouth out with soap, Narrator.

  6. BatJamags says:

    At that moments, their savior appeared.

    Oh GOD.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      Thanks for the archive binge.

      *swandives with biohazard suit*

      • Zues Killer Productions says:

        *comes up and walks on shore*

        You know, I’d never thought I’d see a fic from the Dark Souls community that makes me fondly look back at that one weird Chosen undead X female hero fic where the plot was regurgitated.

        Also, is it me, or did it seem like it was written by a religious fanfic writer?

  7. BatJamags says:

    a magnificent horn splitting the blue mane with white tips.

    Wait, did the mane have white tips, or was it the horn? Does this guy have a trident-horn?

  8. BatJamags says:

    It was then that the Elements themselves came forth and threw themselves at him, overwhelmed by his sheer presence. He gladly accepted their offers of companionship and lead them all back towards Twilight’s castle, which he now claimed as his own.

    I smell trollfic.

    Well-played, author. You actually had me going for about nine sentences.

  9. Zues Killer Productions says:

    I don’t know why, but I expected a “King of Equestria” Clone.

    …not sure if I was off or on the money though.

  10. BatJamags says:

    “Now, who are you?!”

    Stu: I’m Batman Shadow Edgelord.


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