899: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter XI


Title: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee
Author: HopelessRomanticArtist1990
Media: TV Show
Topic:  Samurai Jack
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter XI
Critiqued by Ghostcat 





Greetings, dearest Patrons!

Ishi-sensei’s off doing whatever it is he does when he’s unsupervised – probably fondling his leeches – but I’m still slogging through this Samurai Jack fic, hoping that something approaching a goal appears soon.

When last we left the merry little band of Sues, Luna, Jewel-Sue and Jack met Serenity in the woods. The sudden appearance of robotic vultures brought a few seconds of action into the fic, but Jack was quickly rendered unconscious via shenanigans. He awoke in Jewel-Sue’s lavish (for the Void) bedroom, where she was tending to his already healed wounds. They then shared a brief kiss. Nausea ensued.

I’m really hoping that there will be a time-skip forward to something less nauseatingly saccharine. Let’s see if I’m right!


Jewel’s face burned with passion as Jack deepened his kiss with her.


Sweet mercy, he’s still kissing her. Dear fic gods, why must you torture me so?

She ran her fingers through his hair, and as she did so his hair pin fell out.

It’s a cloth tie, not a pin.

Jack’s hair tumbled down to his shoulders, but he didn’t care at all at that moment.

Usually when his hair falls down like that, it signals that Jack’s Berserk Button has just been pushed and that a major asskicking is imminent. I don’t think that’s the case now, though.

He wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her closer to him.

Unless their positions have changed, he’s laying down in a bed and she’s over him; if he pulls her closer, then she’s going to fall on top of him.

Her heart pounded faster as her bosom pressed up against his muscular chest.

Just a reminder – this is an Adventure fic, not a cheap bodice-ripper paperback.

“Wow,” Jewel sighed, blushing scarlet. “If that’s your way of repaying me, then I accept your affectionate gift.”

You’re making it sound like you’re letting him stick his tongue down your throat so he doesn’t feel obligated to you for your healing services.

“Um, you are welcome,” Jack laughed nervously, blushing dark red as well.

:thumbs up: Very smooth, dude.

“I spoke with the other Samurai Sisters through a telepathy call. They’re going to gather up with us tomorrow morning to go on our quest to destroy Aku.”

Wait, what? You called them with your brain while you were kissing Jack?!? And you were discussing plans to meet up tomorrow?

He must not be doing it right.

“That is wonderful news. By the way, I have been meaning to ask you, what is a telepathy call?”

Wow, what a romantic. It’s like he doesn’t even care that she was live-tweeting their kiss into all of her friends’ heads.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you about that.

Which is fic author speak for “I just remembered that this thing existed, so I’d better explain what it is before I forget again.”

The rest of the Samurai Sisters and I can communicate through our brains.

What the ever-living fuck? They all have this?

If they call all do brain-calls, then why do they have to constantly ask other people where various Sisters are and what they are doing? A good portion of the last few chapters has been characters walking around looking for other characters so they can have awkward conversations; this telepathy makes that unnecessary! And interrupting someone who is replenishing their energies would never be an issue; all it takes is a quick brain-call – “I’m busy meditating” or “I’m taking a swim” – and that’s that.

It’s a lot like reading each other’s minds, but from a distance by talking to one another through thought,” Jewel explained,


:reads passage again:

It’s possible the author doesn’t know what telepathy is.  I’m kind of surprised that didn’t…

:sirens blare:

Ah, there it is!

:picks up Xenodoken Gun:

Pardon me a moment, Patrons.


I am never going to get tired of that.

picking up a porcelain pot of green tea, and pouring both her and Jack a glass.


Why are you constantly drinking green tea? And when did you brew it? Green tea only takes a minute or so to brew, so if it’s been sitting there the whole time then it’s going to be bitter as hell.


And it is served in a CUP, not a glass.

Ugh. Sensei’s rubbing off on me.

“Sounds like a powerful and amazing ability,” Jack replied, sounding more impressed by her power.

You’re impressed by this ability rather than creeped out that she’s sharing an intimate moment with her friends.


Of course you are.

“Telepathy calling is a handy power to have. It comes in handy mostly when you need to call an ally warrior for help if you’re in great danger.”

Here’s a question – why didn’t you use this ability to call in the other Sisters during the robot-cobra and robot-vulture attacks? I would consider those times of great danger, yet you never called for back-up.

“I wish that I had that power. It would come in handy on my quest to Aku’s castle.”

Why? Half the frickin’ village is coming with you. Who would you call, the Ghostbusters?

“You won’t need that power on your quest to destroy Aku. Jacob, the rest of the Samurai Sisters, and I will be fighting by your side.

See? Even Jewel-Sue remembers that much.

We’ll be traveling together through the Fang Desert. They decided to meet up with us at the front of The Spirit Shrine,”

:headdesk: You were JUST THERE! Why didn’t you treat him at the shrine if that’s where you were going to meet up anyway?

Jewel informed him, pouring herself another glass of green tea.


CUP, dammit! Do not make me summon the angry ninja!

“Sounds like you have the entire quest planned out for me,” Jack replied, sounding both impressed and a bit left out.

Yeah, they really didn’t need your input at all even though this is YOUR frickin’ quest.

“My friends, brother and I are here to help you, Jack. However, this is your quest.


Could have fooled me.

You are the one who must strike the final attack on Aku. We will help you fight him, but you’re going to be the one to strike the final blow.”

Oh, right; because his katana is the only weapon in existence that can harm Aku, which makes Jack the most important person on this little trip. Funny how no one thought to include him in the planning stages, which apparently took place while he was unconscious and/or while they were kissing.

“I am the warrior who is going to strike the final attack on Aku because it is my destiny.

Unless one of the other dumbasses :cough*Jewel-Sue*cough: decides to take your katana away from you and do it instead.

My goal is for my quest to be a success, and I am determined to succeed.”

I sure as hell hope so. If you were determined to fail, I’d be even more worried about you than I currently am.

“I have no doubt you will succeed on your quest. You are a strong warrior, and something tells me Aku won’t stand a chance against all of us,” Jewel stated with the utmost confidence.

He might be the personification of pure evil, but against a half-dozen Sues  – oh, and Jack – Aku doesn’t stand a chance.

“Again, thank you so much for healing my wounds. I truly do appreciate it,” Jack smiled lovingly at her.

Aaaand we’re back to the romance. I guess all the talk of brain-calling and killing your mortal enemy is what sets the mood for them.

“It was no trouble at all, Jack. Besides, your injuries need to be fully healed, and you need to be well rested for tomorrow. Now, get some rest. I’ll wake you early in the morning for the beginning of your quest.”

It’s the end of his quest; the beginning of his quest happened way back when he was pulled from his time period.

Then, without another word, Jack laid his head down, and covered up under Jewel’s blanket on her bed.

Because he’s suddenly reverted back into a six-year-old? And does anyone else think it’s creepy that she’s tucking him in for the night? He’s her love interest, not her child.

The last thing he saw was Jewel’s beautiful face before his eyes closed for a well-deserved rest.

Jack just suffered a major head injury; it’s probably not a good idea to let him sleep.

Jewel held Jack’s hand as a sign of affection, and she watched over him for a while until she fell into a deep sleep too.

While seated in the marble chair beside the bed, which is going to be horribly uncomfortable. I bet she wakes up with all kinds of kinks in her spine.

The next morning, Jewel wok abruptly with ease,


I can’t even…

and noticed that her hand was still entwined with Jack’s.

How? Did neither one of them move at all during the night? I guess they are both really quiet sleepers.

Even in sleep, she still managed to express some type of affection toward Samurai Jack.

Well, if you were holding his hand when you fell asleep and neither one of you moved, it’s not so much a sign of affection as sign that you don’t move around when you sleep. That’s kind of weird, you might want to make sure Jack’s still breathing.

Even though they had not known each other very long, the bond between them was growing at an exponential rate.


Bloody hell, I think she used exponential right that time.

Jewel blushed as she let go of Jack’s hand, and her heart palpitated as she thought of his delicious lips on hers.

Ugh. More of this … whatever you want to call it.

She had been kissed by a few previous boyfriends before,

Brazen tart.

but the previous kisses she received were nothing compared to Jack’s kiss.

Well, at least there’s something about him that’s memorable.

Possessing the power of telepathy, Jewel already knew that Jack didn’t have many previous romantic relationships.

Wait a second … Is she saying what I think she’s saying?

From looking within his past memories,


You fucking bitch! You violated his memories without his knowledge or permission?!?


You raped his brain, you cow!

she saw him as a child being kissed on the cheek by some little Japanese girl. She thought that memory was cute, but knew Jack would most likely never see that girl again. Jewel saw another memory of Jack’s when he met Ikra, and then discovered that it was Aku in disguise. The last memory she saw of Jack’s was when he was with a woman while he was traveling on a train. This lady’s name was Josephine, but she turned out to be a bounty hunter who was just after the money placed on Jack’s head.

This is just plot regurgitation regarding women Jack interacted with during the course of the show, but …damn. She really went through every inch of his mind, didn’t she?

When she was finished looking at Jack’s memories,

:double spit-take:





one hour later-

DON’T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! :rips a dozen tranq darts out of arm and throws them at Shinobi: I AM PERFECTLY CALM!!! :tackled by a flurry of ninjas:

-several hours later-

:Ishi drags a disheveled Ghostie, bolt-taped to a wooden kitchen chair, into the Riffing Chamber:

Son of a monkey-licking bitch!

“There is no need for such language, Ghostcat-sama.”

Oh, I have stronger language for this … this …:growls:

“Yes, I heard. One was not aware you knew Korean.”

Yeah; that came as a shock to me, too. Apparently I’ve picked up a few things watching K-dramas.

“Why did you react so strongly to Jewel-san’s actions?”

She violated his mind, dude. That’s sacred territory; no matter what someone does to your body, your mind is your final refuge. It’s the one place that should always be safe. This bitch fumbled through his memories like they were discards at a rummage sale. And she had no real reason to do this, it was just her idle curiosity into his past romantic relationships. Not cool.

Jewel glanced at the digital alarm clock on the bedside table, and realized that it was seven thirty in the morning.

Another digital clock? Seriously, why is this a technology that they decided they couldn’t live without?

“Perhaps they have not developed additional technology.”

This is the future, with flying cars and sentient robots!

Nani? I think that perhaps Shinobi-san was too forceful in subduing you, Ghostcat-sama.”

No, really. You kind of forget that after a few chapters, but this is supposed to be the future!

She and Jack were supposed to meet up with Jacob and the Samurai Sisters at The Spirit Temple around eight o’clock.

And …? I have no idea how far apart these two places are, but you should wake Jack soon. If you’re traveling across the desert, you’re going to need to gather some supplies.

“And a sturdy pair of boots that fit comfortably.”

Actually, Jack wears wooden zori everywhere he goes.

“Jack-san would be wise to stock up on chafing ointment.”

She woke Jack up gently, and he got out of bed quickly, getting dressed in a snap.

“Apologies, but was Jack-san naked?”

Was he? Please tell me he wasn’t naked.

“Do you truly find the idea so abhorrent?”

…I choose not to answer that.

After they made sure they had everything they needed for their quest, both of them left Lee’s Potter Shop, and headed straight for The Spirit Shrine.

So everything they need for a two-day trek across the desert to face the personification of pure evil was found around the house? And they managed to wake up, dress, pack, and then walk to the shrine within a half-hour?

Yeah, no. I’m not buying it.

“It takes Kanai-san longer to decide which shoes to wear.”

The rest of the Samurai Sisters along with Jacob—who woke up earlier than Jewel to meet up with Rosalina—were waiting at the front double doors of The Spirit Shrine as planned.

So does that mean that Jewel-Sue and Jack were late? I’ve met up with groups of people before, and they NEVER arrive on time. Someone forgets something, or there’s an unexpected setback, or something happens.

“Like a rabid mongoose attack.”

I can’t say that particular thing has ever happened to anyone I know, but you get the idea.

They did not head to the Black Forest like Jack expected, but traveled to the edge of the village where there was a sign that read: Fang Desert, Enter at own risk.

Wait a second – what?

“It seems unlikely the village would be located so close to the edge of a desert, the encroaching sands would necessitate frequent moves.”

Let’s review what we know of the area; there’s an ocean or sea not far away, then there’s this massive Black Forest with plentiful surface water in the form of streams and ponds, and suddenly there’s a desert literally on the edge of town? How?

People who didn’t possess spiritual powers, and didn’t wield strong swords would’ve turned back that moment in fear.


It’s an informational sign! Flee in terror, Patrons!

“Hold me, Ghostcat-sama!”

Dude, get off of me!

However, all of the warriors didn’t see traveling through the Fang Desert as life risking, but as a challenging adventure.

I’ll be sure to have that carved into your tombstones when they find your bleached bones on the sands.

“Assuming they are found.”

They all passed the old wooden sign sticking out of the sand, and began their journey crossing the Fang Desert.

:headdesk: They go straight from the village in the Black Forest into the barren sand of the desert. Like, within a few feet – the length of a couple of steps.

Sensei, can you do the honors?



Biodiversity doesn’t work like that! You need some kind of transition, or a natural barrier separating the areas that would contain the environment.

As they walked through the desert, there was nothing but miles of sand around them.

What about the frickin’ trees! There’s a forest right there behind you!

“With such poor observational skills, one wonders how these characters have managed to live so long.”

Like many Sues and Stus, their greatest power is incompetent enemies. Speaking of, we haven’t seen Aku or his minions in a while. It’s about time for another attack.

Then a few giant metal snakes sprung up from the ground, and began to strike down upon the warriors with their giant steal fangs.


Again? Metal snakes are so last season.

:Ishi raises hand: I have already seen these snakes, may I be excused?

No. If I have to suffer, so do you.

This time, Jack got the chance to see Sasha’s spiritual earth powers in action. In fact, Sasha was the only warrior fighting the giant metal serpents.

Go to know ahead of time that no one is going to do anything interesting.

“Are you certain we cannot skip forward a bit?”

Ugh. I’m tempted, but no.

She waved her hands in the air, and bent the sand underneath their feet.

Causing them to sink into the sand and suffocate!

“That was poor planning on Sasha-san’s part.”

Well, there was miles of sand around them so she didn’t have to use the sand they were standing on. Clearly she wanted to die.

Sasha created a tornado of sand to trap the enormous snakes into it.


“I will cancel the celebration.”

After she trapped the giant vipers in her sand tornado, she closed the sand tornado in order to block her enemies inside, and spun the sand weapon around in the air like a lasso. Then Sasha slammed the sand club containing the smashed-up robotic serpents inside into the ground. Just to make sure there would be no trace left of her foes, she buried the destroyed metal snakes in the sand with her power.

And that – right there –  is one of the major problems with having all these Super-Sues.

“Poor pacing?”

Well, that and the fact that they are so comically over-powered that nothing is a challenge to them.

“Well, that was fun, huh?” Sasha grinned, looking around at her friends who were staring at her openly in admiration.

And they do nothing but stroke each other! Everyone’s awesome and amazing and there’s zero conflict or tension here!

“If you are tense I can see if there are any tranquilizer darts left.”

Not that kind of tension, smartass. Dramatic tension – it’s what drives a plot. This fic is being propelled along by farts and gasps.

“Fun for you, that is. You did all of the work in that fight,” Luna acknowledged.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

“That’s because she was the only samurai warrior fighting against those giant met serpents,” Jacob added.


Is someone going to point out that the sky is blue next?

“Apologies, but did they not witness the same act that the audience did?”

Yeah, but it looks like the author has a grip on another Dead Horse and it beating it into the ground.

“Sorry, guys. Didn’t mean to do all of the fighting in that battle. I guess I just couldn’t help myself. There’s earth all around us, and this sand gave me a great advantage in that fight.”

What is this, an after-fight interview?

“Have they never seen Sasha-san perform such a feat?”

Apparently not, even though they live on the edge of the frickin’ desert.  It should be old-hat to them by now, considering they can do things equally as amazing. I’d be more concerned about the fact that Aku probably knows where there are since he just sent his minions after them.

“I’m glad it did. Even though you did all of the fighting in that battle, you did an excellent job defeating those robot snakes. Thanks so much for taking care of those enemies,” Jewel said, sounding eternally grateful.

:double headdesk:

“Kurikaeshi-kurikaeshi … It’s just repeating over and over again!”

I know! The “fight” lasted less than a paragraph, but they’re going on about it forever! They’re going to sit around patting Sasha on the back until Aku’s minions bite them in the ass.

“No sweat, my Samurai Sister.


“Because she did not remain active long enough to produce perspiration.”

Thanks for unpacking that one, sensei.

Couldn’t leave you all hanging to battle those metal snakes by yourselves,” Sasha replied, then noticed the glazed expressions on everyone’s faces. “Okay, I did all of the fighting, but I’m glad I could be of assistance on this quest.”

The audience also has a glazed expression by this point, provided they didn’t just skip over this circle-jerk all together.

“I wanted to, but you would not allow it.”

“You have been a great help to me on my quest. If I was alone, it would have taken me much longer to destroy those giant metal snakes.

Yeah, like thirty seconds instead of fifteen.

“Perhaps forty-five if there was an unusually large number of serpents.”

Come to think of it, the narration never states how many snakes attacked them. It could have just been two or three.

Thank you for your help,” Jack smiled, bowing to her.


“I recognize that! It is the Face of God!”

Wait, you’ve seen Monty Python’s Holy Grail?

Hai. I found it quite entertaining.”

I kinda prefer the one with the Latin graffiti that has the bit where the guy’s standing in the window with his willy out.

“One assumes most people would call the film by its proper title, Life of Brian.”

I think it’s been established that I’m not most people.

“It was a pleasure, Jack. Now, we better get moving before it gets dark. We need to find a safe area soon where we can take shelter for the night.”

Wait, what? It’s dark? You just started! It was morning a few minutes ago and there hasn’t been any established passage of time.

“And there was the recent attack to consider as well.”

Considering how big a deal they made of Sasha’s actions, the significance of a precision attack on them has gone completely unnoticed by the Sues.

“Sasha is right. Let’s get a move on,” Jade agreed, as they all continued to travel further through the desert.

Well, it’s about damned time.

Just before it was starting to get dark outside, all of the warriors found a safe spot to rest for the night.

I’m assuming there’s been a significant time-skip, but I can’t really be sure.

“Apologies, but robots erupt from the ground without warning – what exactly would be considered a “safe spot” in such an environment?”

I’d find some nice big, flat rocks if I were them.

Rosalina built a fire, Jacob set up the tents, and Jewel started preparing their dinner.


They are traveling on foot with just what they can carry; who brought the firewood?

“Perhaps Rosa-chan will be using her powers to maintain the fire.”

But the purpose of this stop is to rest, not drain their energy. They’re going to need every bit for the attack on Aku.  There’s food you can eat without cooking; with all the time they are wasting setting up a nice little camp they could eat a few granola-bar-equivalents and then roll up in their jackets for a quick nap.

She had brought packs of sushi along with her,


She brought WHAT with her?

Hey, sensei; you still have that stop-watch?


Let’s see how many things I can list wrong with this in thirty seconds.


Sushi doesn’t travel in packs; it’s food, not a bunch of wild dogs.

They carried raw seafood through a hot desert and now plan on eating it. Enjoy your salmonella! Also; is the middle of a desert, miles away from any toilet facilities, really the place you want to be after eating day-old sushi?

Jewel-Sue never went to the nameless sushi restaurant before meeting up with the others, so where did it come from? Is it leftovers from the night before? That would make this two-day-old sushi, possibly older.

Assuming this sushi doesn’t contain seafood, it would contain cooked rice and cut vegetables that have just spent the day being squashed in a knapsack and broiled under the hot sun. Still not very appetizing.

If Jewel-Sue’s idea of “preparing” dinner is to hand out parcels of already-made (and likely spoiled) food, I vote electing a new camp cook.

If you’re eating sushi for dinner, what do you need the fire for?


Not bad for thirty seconds.

“I do not think you should count the first one.”

Oh, come on! That’s funny!

and a porcelain pot that she used to fill with green tea.


I’m not what you would call an “outdoorsy” person, but on this kind of hike – on foot, in rough territory, with speed of the essence – why would they take along something as heavy, fragile, and patently unnecessary as a porcelain teapot? And that’s not even the kind of teapot you can put directly on the fire! They would have to heat up the water in a separate vessel, adding to the amount of gear they are carrying.

“Apologies, but it would appear that Jewel-san brewed the tea in one vessel, then filled this teapot with the tea. That could add yet another item to their inventory.”

Everyone gathered around the warm fire after Jewel finished unpacking her sacks of sushi.

There’s sacks of the stuff? Did she pack anything useful for this trip?

“She brought Jack-san.”

I said ‘useful’, sensei.

She gave one pack of food to each warrior, and then sat down next to Jack in front of the fire.

:Ghostie groans:

“Have the elephant sedatives worn off? Do you require a leech?”

I will bite you, you know I will.

There was one brief flutter of action, which was nearly drowned out by the Sue-stroking, and now there’s going to be more of this awkward romance between Jewel-Sue and Jack.

Jewel spotted Rosalina snuggling up to Jacob, blushed when she looked at Jack, and noticed his hand was placed upon hers.

It took her that long to realize he had his hand on hers? I’m starting to wonder if those robots of Aku’s do make some kind of warning noise and these characters are just too dense to notice.

“They are quite oblivious to their surroundings.”

She was still thinking about that kiss he have her yesterday, and how much it made her heart flutter just imagining Jack’s lips pressed against hers.

That’s a pretty strong reaction for such a sedate fantasy.

“Jewel-san may be suffering from an undiagnosed heart condition.”

Or the author has read too many bad bodice-rippers.

Jacob took a glance over at Jewel and Jack, and began eyeing them suspiciously. Normally, he would have read his sister’s mind to see what thoughts were spinning around in her head, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it at that moment.



“Calm yourself, Ghostcat-sama.”

This is not normal behaviour.

“But Jacob-san did not read Jewel-san’s mind without her knowledge.”

But he has before, it says so right there in the narration – that’s what he would normally do in this situation. That’s his standard knee-jerk reaction; not to talk to the person about what might be bothering them but to just read their thoughts. What an asshole.

“Why did he not do that when he was reunited with Rosa-chan?

… I don’t know. The author probably forgot he could do it, I guess.

“Hey, Jewel,” Jacob spoke up, approaching his sister.

“Yes, Jacob?” Jewel answered, looking at him curiously.

“May I talk with you in private for a moment?”

“Of course, you may.”

You know what would be really private? Having a telepathic conversation with someone! Then there’s zero chance anyone could overhear you.

“Apologies, but I am confused. Did you not recently lay waste to a substantial portion of the Library because of that very power?”

No, I did that because Jewel-Sue was using that power to read someone’s mind without their knowledge. That’s an intimate violation. An open conversation between two people who share a telepathic link, as long as it is completely consensual, is fine.

Jewel followed Jacob away from Jack and everyone else. As soon as he made sure nobody was watching them, he turned to his sister with his arms folded, and looked at her with a stern expression. Unknowingly, Luna had glanced over in their direction, shifted into a shadow without anyone noticing, and snuck over to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Ah, so that’s why they must have the conversation out loud. So Luna can eavesdrop.

“And waste her stored energy on a useless exercise.”

Hopefully they brought along some of their replenishment beverages, but given her track history she’d be better off keeping her nose out of their business.

“Jewel, you’re hiding something from me,” Jacob stated bluntly.

“Hiding something? What are you talking about?” Jewel asked, giving him a confused expression.

The old innocence routine. :snorts: That never works.

“The appearance of innocence is often the first sign of guilt.”

And I thought I was the cynical one here.

“There’s something going on between you and Jack that you’re not telling me.”

“Oh, you know?”

Honey, everyone knows. Or at least, everyone in the audience knows. The rest of the characters are as oblivious about this relationship as they are about everything else.

“Such opponents are not worth the effort it would take to slay them.”

That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?

“We may be a clan of merciless, dairy-obsessed assassins, but we do have standards.”

Unless someone offers you enough money.

“That goes unsaid.”

“I wish I did.

“Apologies, but I am confused.”

Yeah, that’s … weird. I think it’s supposed to be “I wish I didn’t” but the way it is now doesn’t make any sense.

I noticed the way you were looking at him. That’s the same way I look at Rosalina.

And how exactly would he know what he looks like when he’s looking at her?


Ewww. That would mean he’s reading Rosalina/Rosaline’s mind in order to see himself as she sees him. That’s beyond kinky.

I would’ve read your mind to see what was going on, but I didn’t want to invade your privacy.

Ha. Ha. It is to laugh.

“If he does not wish to trespass upon her privacy, why is he asking her about the relationship now?”

Probably so he can warn her about getting too attached to Jack, since he’s going back to his own time and she can’t go with him. Which means she probably will end up going with him.

Now, what is going on between you and Samurai Jack?” Jacob asked, making himself perfectly crystal clear.

As far as I can tell, they are in the early stages of a mutual infatuation.

“Or have contracted an unknown malady triggered by touching mouths.”

…Let’s put that in the ‘Maybe’ column.

“Even without the power of telepathy, you can still read me like an open book,” Jewel smiled, impressed by her brother’s sheer brilliance. “I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

:Ghostie gags:

“Why does Jewel-san praise her brother’s intelligence so lavishly for such a minor observation?”

Given how blind everyone is, this might actually be an Earth-shattering revelation.

Jewel explained everything that had happened yesterday between her and Jack.

You kissed, held hands while sleeping, and then savagely violated his mind as he slept – all done while you were alone together. In public all that’s happened is that he touched your hand a minute ago, possibly by accident.

“Ghostcat-sama, I have had a thought.”

Oh, that’s ominous.

“With such mild displays of affection between the two, it would take a keenly observant eye to notice that they were anything but friends.”

You might have a point, sensei. Without the narration telling the audience how they feel, there’s not really that much connecting the two characters.

She started her story from the fight that she, Jack, Luna and Serenity had against the giant metal vultures outside of The Spirit Shrine.

A fight which has no bearing on her relationship with Jack.

“Jewel-san truly is going to tell her brother everything.”

Let’s be grateful she didn’t start all the way back in the first chapter.

Her story continued from there, and was told up until the time they were in now.


“Why would you be happy with such a poor summary?”

A short summary means less fic to wade through.

As Jewel finished explaining things to Jacob, his crystal blue eyes wielded into hers.


“Jacob-san exhibits a shameful lack of eyeball-handling etiquette.”

Not everyone has your exacting standards, sensei.

“So, he kissed you and you fell in love with him. Is that how it went precisely?”

Yep, pretty much.

“That is the sum of the situation.”

“Actually, truth be told, I’ve had feelings for Jack for quite some time now.

What, during the two (maybe three) days you’ve known each other? Hell, Jack was asleep for a good portion of the first two days. You haven’t even spent a significant amount of time together!

I just didn’t know how to tell him how I felt, but now that I know he feels the same way I couldn’t be happier.”

Life’s nothing but a rainbow-shitting unicorn romping through a field of puppies and kittens! Well, except for the tiny fact that you’re traveling to do battle with Aku, the personification of pure evil, and that losing will mean everyone will likely be dead but winning means your new-found love will be whisked across the centuries where he will be killed by time. Either way, he’s gonna die soon.

“You should write greeting cards, Ghostcat-sama.”

“I wouldn’t get too happy if I was you,” Jacob warned, giving her a serious look.

“Why do you say that?” Jewel wondered.

Does … Does she really not know?

“She is like the happy snowman who did not understand the concept of summer.”

“Because after we help Jack complete his quest, he’ll be returning to his own time. When that moment comes, you’ll have no choice but to abandon your love for him.

Or she could do something else, like treasure her love for him and move on to find someone else to love, or mourn for her lost love by putting on a wedding gown that she will never take off and haunting the family home until the day she dies.

“I do not understand that reference.”

Geez, put down the remote and pick up a book now and then.

Now, I’m going to rejoin the others by the fire. I suggest you do the same.”

Harsh, man. You just tell her to stop loving him like she can flip a switch inside her head. Thanks for the compassion, brother.

“If it were so simple, Jacob-san would likely have flipped the switch for Jewel-san without informing her that he was doing so.”

He left her behind one of the tents to reunite with the others by the fire.

I thought they already set up the tents, why is he giving her one now? Is she supposed to set it up by herself in the dark?

“It is Jewel-san’s punishment for daring to love Jack-san.”

Man-Candy turned out to be a real asshole.

Jewel hated to admit it, even to herself, but Jacob was right. When they time comes, she will have to abandon her love for Samurai Jack.

Again I’d like to point out that you have other options, including joining him in his time period.

“You seem fixated on that idea, Ghostcat-sama.”

I’ve read a few of these Samurai Jack fics, the female love interest always goes back with him. I’ll bet anything Jewel-Sue does as well.

That’s it for this chapter, only a couple left to prove me right!



74 Comments on “899: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter XI”

  1. SC says:

    Ishi-sensei’s off doing whatever it is he does when he’s unsupervised – probably fondling his leeches



  2. SC says:

    Just a reminder – this is an Adventure fic, not a cheap bodice-ripper paperback.

    Do you think the author knows that? Should we tell her?

  3. SC says:

    Why? Half the frickin’ village is coming with you. Who would you call, the Ghostbusters?

    Is there something strange,
    In his neighborhood?

  4. SC says:

    The next morning, Jewel wok abruptly with ease,


    With ease?

    How do?

  5. SC says:

    How? Did neither one of them move at all during the night? I guess they are both really quiet sleepers.

    If that were me in that situation, her arm would be broken by morning because I toss and turn like a maniac in my sleep.

  6. SC says:

    You fucking bitch! You violated his memories without his knowledge or permission?!?

    In pretty much everything I’ve written where magic is a thing, telepathy is more or less outlawed because of the ramifications it brings when used against people without their consent.

    Like, in my NaNo novel, one of the ancient heroes of a great war was killed by the villain because the villain used telepathy on the hero’s mind, which was already fragile from being the sole survivor of two huge conflicts that wiped out his entire battalion, and killed him by forcing his own insanity on the guy to the point where all his bodily functions dissolved into a gigantic seizure that suffocated him. And from that point on, all forms of telepathy were banned from ever being practiced, taught or used.

    This bitch would be hanging from a noose in that story.

    • And she didn’t even have a plausible reason to use it! If she was so curious about Jack’s past relationships she should have TALKED to him, like a normal person! Instead she goes into his brain without telling him, which I’m sure is a great way to establish a loving and trusting relationship.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Remember the big long posts from Subject 23? Those dealt almost exclusively with whether I had the skill to properly write the incredible levels of fucked-up-ness that come from a character experiencing pretty much exactly this sort of violation. To be fair, Teron was supposed to have been strapped down in an interrogation room when it happened and not by any means asleep, but…

      Good god, HRA, telepathic rape is not a Sunday morning walk. It was supposed to leave Teron barely functional at first and, despite the actions of an (unconventional but) damn good shrink, still struggling with alcoholism and asari-phobia almost 20 years later.

  7. SC says:



    Hey guys, did anybody hear a loud-


    *le glorious respawn*

    Holy hell, that wiped out the s’more respawn point, too! Is the Pepper Potts respawn point I can’t out of the only one that didn’t get destroyed in the blast?!

  8. SC says:


    “Calm yourself, Ghostcat-sama.”

    This is not normal behaviour.

    “But Jacob-san did not read Jewel-san’s mind without her knowledge.”

    But he has before, it says so right there in the narration – that’s what he would normally do in this situation. That’s his standard knee-jerk reaction; not to talk to the person about what might be bothering them but to just read their thoughts. What an asshole.

    Jim: See, this is why my family only practices telepathy on each other when we need to call each other for help and happen to be too far away to shout at.

  9. SC says:

    As Jewel finished explaining things to Jacob, his crystal blue eyes wielded into hers.

    I think the author misspelled “welded,” there.

    And in that light, DEAR GOD!

  10. SC says:

    There’s sacks of the stuff? Did she pack anything useful for this trip?

    “She brought Jack-san.”

    I said ‘useful’, sensei.

    It’s sad when you find yourself saying that she the main protagonist of the show.

  11. TacoMagic says:

    “Um, you are welcome,” Jack laughed nervously, blushing dark red as well.

    Is that your sword hilt or…

  12. TacoMagic says:

    Why? Half the frickin’ village is coming with you. Who would you call, the Ghostbusters?

    Aaaand now the theme-song is stuck in my head.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    Bloody hell, I think she used exponential right that time.

    Only if you’re fine with the fact that the romance came the hell out of nowhere and is entirely informed.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    “Why did he not do that when he was reunited with Rosa-chan?

    … I don’t know. The author probably forgot he could do it, I guess.

    I find it a lot more likely that she hadn’t invented that power for everyone yet.

  15. TacoMagic says:

    Ewww. That would mean he’s reading Rosalina/Rosaline’s mind in order to see himself as she sees him. That’s beyond kinky.

    So… he essentially mind-jacks Rosalina so that he can know what it’s like to make-out with himself? Damn, Narcissus didn’t have anything on this guy.

  16. The Crowbar says:

    When she was finished looking at Jack’s memories,

    Oh… My… Fucking… God…

    Did she seriously just do that without his permission?



    I WILL…





  17. The Crowbar says:

    I’m starting to get involuntary twitches whenever I see the name Luna in this stupid fic…

    That is not good.

  18. The Crowbar says:

    They’re going to sit around patting Sasha on the back until Aku’s minions bite them in the ass.

    OR ME!

    *Somewhere, somewhen, a desert gets glassed*

  19. The Crowbar says:

    Also; is the middle of a desert, miles away from any toilet facilities, really the place you want to be after eating day-old sushi?



    *Dumps trillions of tons of month-old painter shit mixed with Gumndrop’s shit on the desert*

    Eat. Shit. Assholes.

  20. infinity421 says:

    I wonder what milestones in shit we will be crossing for our 900th riff…

    Also, come to think of it, there’s a shortage of FNaF fics on here, which is odd, because I’ve seen some which are utterly abysmal.

    And for some reason the FNaF fanfic archive seems to have the same problem as the TF2 one where it seems like every other fic is in Spanish for no adequately explained reason.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I’m not sure any of us have expertise with FNaF stuff, so that’s probably why we haven’t riffed any. Typically we all try to stay pretty close to canons we’re familiar with.

      • SC says:

        Curiosity beckons. What’s FNaF?

      • infinity421 says:

        FNaF stands for Five Nights at Freddy’s, SC. Horror resource management-ish game. It’s kinda hard to explain so I’d recommend you take a look at the Tv Tropes article, as it does a good job of summarising it.

      • SC says:

        Actually, I’ve found the wiki, and it turns out that I do have some small experience with the games.

        I’m a bit more caught on the developer, though.

        We share two things – a first name (Scott), and initials (Scott Cawthon – SC).

        SC created a game where animatronic creatures kill a guy in a security office.

        I’M A MONSTER.

    • SC says:

      Right, so I’ve just spent the last day and a half binge-reading the FNaF wiki.

      If I did do a riff of a fic from the fandom, I’m fairly certain that the problems would be atrociously evident.

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