900: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Three, Part One

Title: Legendary Adventurers, futuristic Saviors
Author:Stone-Man85
Media:Movie/Anime
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre:Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC

*Simon wakes up with a start and takes off his headphones*

Simon: Oh, hey, sorry about that, I didn’t see you there. I’m just waiting for everybody else to show up an- what? Oh, no, that song I had playing totally wasn’t a mistake. I like listening to classical music and piano symphonies. I play piano, too. People think that’s odd, considering how much of an asshole I tend to be, but I say fuck ’em. Anyhow, I got invited back again, and I obliged since I strangely had nothing better to do with my life. Considering my line of work, that doesn’t usually happen. I decided to come early so that I could catch a quick nab and hog the food on the table outside the door, because it’s probably the only chance I’ll have to do so for a while. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for-

*le glorious riff-spawn*

*SC and Bifocals drop to the floor*

Simon: Ah, there he is.

*SC staggers to his feet*

OW! Shit, Bifocals, warn me next time before you try and shove every fiber of our existence through a wormhole less than a tenth the size of a grain of sand!

Bifocals: You did not lose any limbs, nor did you suffer any mutations, displacement in time, loss in the void of space due to miscalculations, or awkward cross-dressing. I do not know why you are complaining.

Because it hurt like a bi- Oh, hey there, Simon. You got here early.

Simon: Yep, I do that.

My ranting and raving will have to wait until later, then.

*ahem*

Hello, and welcome back to the Library! Boy, NaNoWriMo kicked my ass for my first time going. Well, first time going and completing it. I participated in 2012 and didn’t quite make the mark.

It’s not that it was difficult to write for it, it was just that my updating every day meant that I didn’t have any time to actually flesh out the story, so I had to force my brain to think things up on the fly, and as it always does when I’m forcing myself to write rather than doing it when I feel like it, popping out two thousand words per day suddenly got really stressful to pull off. But, in spite of it all, I broke the 50K word count, making this the first NaNoWriMo that I’ve ever successfully participated in!

And let me tell you, when it's your first time through, this victory banner they give you is a sweet, sweet reward.

And let me tell you, when it’s your first time through, this victory banner they give you is a sweet, sweet reward.

Now that I’ve finished NaNoWriMo for this year, I can get back to riffing. And I honestly kinda missed it, what with my focus being entirely on my novel, so it’s good to be back.

Now, as I said before I stopped riffing for the month, I lost track of my riffing list and decided to flip a coin to see which fic would be first on my new list. The winner ended up being Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, which is cool by me since I feel like I hadn’t updated it in a while. The loser of that coin toss was Fire Emblem: ReAwaken, so it’ll be next on the list. And in the second coin toss, ToV: BAR beat out A Witch needs her Cat, so they are respectively the third and fourth riffs on the list. I’ll try and hold myself to this setup, but I promise nothing.

So, with all that settled welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! Given that it’s been a while, and since I do it anyhow, let’s have ourselves a recap:

The tree in the Killian family’s back yard suddenly came back to life. Alex surmised some bullshit about routine tree planters, which I’m fairly certain Japan doesn’t employ outside of natural disaster cleanup operations, and then he fell down a hole. After going deeper into said hole, Alex came across a room full of vines and a glowey magical thing, which would have been really cool in any other story than this fic. Ignoring all common sense that would have told him to get the hell out, Alex touched the glowey magical thing and got whisked away to Muromachi-period Japan, and I’m wracked with dread at the prospect of seeing him absolutely defile San’s character when she comes up.

So, I know that I said that I received a list of names of Immortals who would be riffing with me – well, I misread that note. It’s only for ToV: BAR. So, instead, I have my usual guest Simon, and Bifocals is sitting in for Paulo, who kept much better track of my shenanigans than I did and ended up having other responsibilities to attend to because he didn’t realize that I would be changing things up on him.

Oh, and Bifocals finally got back to me on what she did with my Comically Oversized Magnifying Glass!

Somehow or another, she managed to make an exact, full-scale, operational replica of an MA-08 Big Zam model Gundam suit.

On a side note, I now need to get another Comically Oversized Magnifying Glass.

On a side note, I now need to get another Comically Oversized Magnifying Glass.

Simon: …Wow.

I know, right?

She added her own twists, of course – instead of the bipedal mobility of the MA-08, Bifocals’ “Obtuse Zem” is supported by a spider mech quadrupedal mobility system, and there’s perhaps ten times as many guns on “Obtuse Zem” than there are on Big Zam. Not to mention that the thing has capacity to deploy thousands of Bifocals’ miniature mechs when necessary, whereas Big Zam is basically a walking one-mech demolition crew.

Look, Bifocals made it, you should just assume that it’s ridiculously dangerous and not question things.

As for the fic, we come now to chapter three, “An Ancient World; Cursed by a God-Demon.” This is actually massive chapter spoilers for anybody who watched the movie, because after slaying Nago the Boar God, Ashitaka’s right arm was cursed, giving him supernatural strength and combat finesse, but at the cost of eventually suffering a slow and painful death.

So, you know, thanks for ruining the chapter for anybody who knows the canon, Stone-Man. Not that I was excited to read the chapter in the first place, but I already have to deal with Matty spoiling his own fic before he’s even written the part he’s spoiling without you jumping on the bandwagon too.

Well, let’s see what’s become of our buddy Alex since we last saw him:

The forest was quiet at it neared dawn; the forest was darkened and blanketed in fog. There was some illumination of light that shined within it, coming from the moon that shined in.

…Once again, not three sentences in, and we have a redundancy.

*Alarms Blare*

*Bifocals pulls out her tech wand and summons…*

6408

…You summoned ZETSUEI?!

Simon: Oh boy. I sure hope Ryuho wasn’t needing him for anything, else this is gonna get sooo awkward…

*Bifocals points towards the door, and Zetsuei darts out into the hall; audible slashing sounds can be heard, as well as agonized screaming*

Well, true to form, Zetsuei is a force of fuckin’ nature. Those ribbons on his head could level a damn building if given half a reason…

And speaking of nature, it would appear that we are in a forest. Not the forest surrounding Irontown to the west which is the source of most of the movie’s drama, though. This is probably the forest just beyond the borders of the Emishi village that the plot kicks off from.

however, all was not quiet in the forest as something moved through the trees. Loathsome sounds were heard rumbling deep within the forest.

Simon: Ooh. Spooky.

I have the fear.

Suddenly, trees were being knocked down, almost as if something was breaking them down, attempting to make its way through by destroying anything that got in its way.

Gee, thanks, Stone-Man.

*Alarms Blare*

Simon: I’ma let the lady do her thing again. I wanna see what else she pulls out of that magic wand of hers.

*Bifocals waves her tech wand again, and summons…*

First-Generation-Tachikoma-Unit

…A Tachikoma?

Bifocals: Unit Five-Eighty-Four, hostile targets, six o’ clock!

Tachikoma Unit 584: Roger!

*Unit 584 turns and moves out into the hall; rapid gunfire can be heard, followed by yet more agonized screaming*

Simon: …I’m sorry, I can’t even take that brutal massacre seriously with the damn squeaky voice that thing has.

Tachikoma Unit 584: Hey, I heard that!

Whatever this thing was, it was covered in shadows and hard to make out, but one thing was certain… its flesh began to move and crawl, almost as if it were alive on its own.

The creature past a family of foxes, ignoring them as it stepped right next to them. When it touched the ground, a dark shade of brown began to spread upon the green grassy ground. As it shuffled off, it left a trail of decayed earth, with a couple of slimy snake like creatures that squiggled around.

So, that’ll be Nago, then.

O hai, demon Nago!

O hai, demon Nago!

O hai, normal-ish Nago!

O hai, normal-ish Nago!

In the movie, Nago was shot by an iron bullet ball, which Ashitaka traced back to Irontown, who were responsible for its production and use. The bullet ball corrupted him, which created the “demon worms” that surrounded his body and turned him into a monster hell-bent on the ruination of humankind. He cursed Ashitaka, and his body dissolved into nothing but the bullet ball that was lodged in his body, which is how the elders of the Emishi village came up with the idea to seek out Shishigami in the west, as that was the land that Nago was exiled from, and it was also where Irontown was located.

I guess Nago was a creation of Studio Ghibli’s design, because I can’t for the life of me find any information on him in Japanese mythology. Maybe I’ve got the wrong name, maybe I haven’t dug deep enough, but I simply can’t find anything. I feel like there is SOME important figure in Japanese mythology which is likened to a boar, though. Ghostie, I may need a second opinion on that one.

“Ugh, wha… wha happened… ? Wh… where… where am I… ?”

When Alex had finally regained consciousness, the first thing he noticed was the fresh, sweet smell of damp forest.

Fresh, maybe. Sweet, probably not, unless you found a patch of flowers or something. Although, the more outdoorsy person might disagree with me; I do live in the city, after all, so I don’t get to go camping very often, therefore I’m not as in-tune with the scents of nature as I probably could be.

Simon: I’m fairly well-versed with it by now. My family’s Sanctuary is located in the middle of a forest behind a magical barrier, after all.

As he slowly opened his eyes trying to refocus his vision, and trying to shake off the drowsiness spell that lasted upon him,

Simon: I guess Maria didn’t put enough oomph in that one.

She must have been having a magical off-day.

he saw that he was no longer in the strange, underground chamber of the Sacred Tree. With a yawn and a stretch of his back, the teenager pushed himself off his back and sat up straight.

The way that reads, I’m just imagining Alex flopping around like a fish.

Simon: Magikalex.

Bifocals: But why is it being attacked by a death ray?

Simon: It’s Pokemon, don’t question it!

For all a while all he could do was sit and stare off into nothingness.

Make up your mind, Alex, are you in the forest or the void?

His head felt light as did his entire body; which would have caused him to fall back down, but he found the strength to ensure he stayed up.

Normally, if you’re about to topple back over due to a head rush, you feel like lead, and <i>then</i> the feather-feeling hits. At least, that’s how I’ve always experienced it.

Everything that had happened, all of it seemed like a blur of scattered memories.

Oh, I’m sorry, I misread that as Shattered Memories.

Cheryl is watching you, behind the ice that forever imprisons her.

Cheryl is watching you, behind the ice that forever imprisons her.

Simon: Ah, my nightmares. I was wondering where those had run off to in recent months.

He crossed his arms and frowned in thought out loud

Simon: *thinking out loud* GEE, THIS AUTHOR SURE HAS A FUCKING AWFUL GRASP ON BASIC GRAMMAR AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE.

as he told himself, “Okay, I seem to recall that I fell through a tunnel underground near the Sacred Tree. Kari went to go get Dad for help. Then I went to go down that tunnel and found that chamber…” he grumbled, knowing full well he couldn’t quite grasp what had happened after that. He sighed in defeat as he grumbled, “But the rest was pretty much a blur after that chamber light and that rattling.”

Why thank you, Exposition Fairy, for recanting what we learned exactly ONE CHAPTER AGO. Truly, we are goldfish to be beaten over the head with shit we’ve already learned.

After brooding on it,

Oh, look at that thesaurus get thumped!

Here, Stone-Man, perhaps I should inform you of what brooding actually means, according to most dictionaries:

“Brooding

/’broodiNG/

adjective

1. Preoccupied with painful, morbid or depressing thoughts
“a brooding state of mind.”

2. Cast in a subdued light so as to convey a somewhat threatening atmosphere
“Dusk fell on the brooding hills.”

Brood

/brood/

verb

gerund or present participle: brooding

1. (pertaining to birds) Sitting on egg(s) in order to hatch them
“Once the eggs are laid, the male bird broods them”

2. (pertaining to silence, storms, etc.) Hanging over or hovering closely
“A winter storm broods over the lake.”

Origin: From Germanic Old English, brōd; related to Dutch broed and German Brut, also to breed.”

So, by that definition, either Alex is trying to hatch eggs on the issue, is hovering over it like a creeper, is viewing it in a shadowy, intimidating light, or is super depressed about it. To which I say, get over it, Alex.

Alex stood up, but a little disoriented from whatever threw him on the ground. he looked about his current location, but was amazed as he saw that he was back on top of the surface, and saw the Tree right in front of him as fresh and new as his sister had shown him. However… the house, clinic, and temple were nowhere to be seen… not even the neighborhood. All he saw was forest that stretched as far as the human eye could see.

And then he noticed a white-haired demon boy in red pinned to a tree by an arrow and roots.

Oh, sorry, that’s Inuyasha, my bad.

Startled by this, and almost on the verge of freaking out, he then cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Kari!” but no response came; all he could hear was his echo bouncing through the trees. “Kari! Dad! Anju! Aunt Jun!” he tried again, still without response, “Anybody! Is anybody out there?”

Simon: You know, I find that hooting and hollering only hastens the descent into Freak-Out Land.

Bifocals: Aww, how did you know about my scary-themed amusement park plans?

We didn’t, but now that I do, I’m going to have to confiscate all weaponry you might be planning to load into said amusement park.

He tried again, and again, and kept on trying to even try to get someone, as he walked through the forest, shouting out for help to get a hold of someone.

…Okay, there were some redundancies there, what’s going-

After what felt like the fifteenth time

HOLY SHIT, THERE’S LIKE EIGHTEEN REDUNDANCIES I’M ABOUT TO GET HIT FOR!

*Alarms Blare*

*So do the siege sirens*

*Don’t forget the assassin bells*

Jesus Christ, strap in! We’re about to get rammed straight up the ass by a full-scale DRD Alpha Strike!

Simon: Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever had to use my full-powered equipment on a riff.

*Bifocals waves her tech wand and opens a mech portal-grid, through which she summons her full mech offensive*

I don’t have nearly enough guns for this…

[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES; WILL RESUME AT FIRST OPPORTUNITY. UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO A LARGE-SCALE BATTLE WHICH IS FAR TOO BADASS TO BE TRANSCRIBED INTO THE WRITTEN WORD, WE HAVE HAD TO REDACT IT FROM THE RIFF. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

-THE MANAGEMENT]

~Notice: Technical difficulties have been resolved. This riff will be resuming in 3… 2… 1…~

Wow, that’s a lot of structural damage. This is gonna take fucking WEEKS to repair.

Simon: I don’t know that my armor will ever shine its original white again, now.

Bifocals: All of my beautiful mechs, desecrated! I spent years building them! Gertrude and Ansgar were even set to be married within a month! *sniffle*

There, there. I’m sure you can rebuild them with a box of paperclips and some exposed wiring. Gertrude and Ansgar can still be robotic husband and wife, it’ll just have to be delayed for a few days.

Simon: So, how many ninjas do you think are going to be getting leeches for their injuries?

Oh, I don’t know. Five? Most of the injured ninjas were just illusions, after all. Meanwhile, I have like twenty dresses that I’m going to need to take off before we continue, so pardon me for a moment…

~ONE MOMENT LATER~

Alright, and we’re back! Fuck you, Alex, and let’s continue.

and completely getting himself lost, but not as much as to forget where the Sacred Tree was, he gave up and fell back onto the soft ground, “DAMMIT ALL!!!”

The scream seemed to carry throughout the entire vastness of the unknown forest.

So, that’s basically a scream of sonic proportions, right?

Simon: Do you think Muromachi-period Japan knew how to make windows?

Well, the earliest known uses of glass that I can dig up, aside from obsidian material employed as weaponry, appear to be from the general areas of Syria, Mesopotamia, and Ancient Egypt, sometime during the mid-third millenium, BC. It was probably a by-result of slag from metalworking. However, as we’re talking about architectural glass, the earliest developments I can find of that stem from Sussex in 1226, AD, with the “broad sheet” manufacturing method. Asia jumped on the glass-making bandwagon in 1730, BC, which is well BEFORE the Muromachi period, and the Muromachi period is well AFTER Sussex’s development of “broad sheet” manufacturing (Muromachi-period Japan’s estimated timeline: 1337, AD – 1573, AD), so I’m thinking they probably had a fair idea of how windows worked by then.

Simon: So, if there were any decently-developed villages or towns in the surrounding area, Alex’s shout just bust out ALL their windows.

I have a feeling that the part of the forest where the Emishi village Ashitaka hails from is a pretty isolated spot. And the Emishi village is a small, semi-circular formation of mud huts and longhouses clustered in a single, small clearing, with some wooden watch towers on their borders and in the village, proper, none of which have windows to be spoken of, so I’m thinking that’s more of a non-issue.

After nearly an hour of searching for his home, his family, or even some sign that he was still in Tokyo, Japan, Alex tiredly leaned against a tree and frowned.

Well, if you’re looking for Tokyo, you’re a few eras off point, Alex. Tokyo wasn’t called Tokyo until 1869, when Emperor Meiji moved there and made it the de facto capital of the country. And hell, even when it was reestablished as the imperial capital, people were instead calling the place Tokei before they finally settled on Tokyo.

Fun fact: The city got renamed to Tokyo when the Meiji government took an idea from some dusty old book written in 1813 called Kondo Hisaku, which so happened to have the name written down as a suggestion by the author, Sato Nobuhiro.

In any event, considering that this is the Muromachi period, if you ask about Tokyo, you’re apt to get weird looks. But, if you ask about the small fishing village, Edo, then people might know where to point you.

Although, I’m still very much on the fence that you’re anywhere near Edo to begin with. And considering that you’ll probably be tagging along with Ashitaka to the west, you certainly won’t be near the place for long if you are close by.

“Okay, Alex. Just calm down,” he said to himself as he processed the whole situation, “Let’s look at the situation calmly, and logically. I fell into a mysterious underground chamber to where my aunt’s sacred tree was, got zapped by some weird glow in the dark bulb, I wake up lying on the ground in the middle of some humongous forest I don’t even recognize. The Sacred Tree is here but my family, home, and perhaps the entire city of Tokyo has completely vanished without a trace.”

*Alex* “You know what? Fuck it. There’s no logic here.”

Bifocals: It seems perfectly logical to me.

Simon: You have portals and time travel and shit. Alex had a magic doohickey. There’s not much room for debate in this matter, I don’t think.

Careful what you say, there. Fraug is apt to call you (read: me) out on it.

He crossed his arms, brooding at what came next,

Okay, I might be able to allow “brooding” a free pass here, because I’d be pretty pissy (or fucking terrified) imagining where my life was headed after I was unceremoniously thrown into the past, myself.

Simon: I can relate. I went from living on modern-day Earth to magic-and-unicorns Altruand, I’m still trying to adjust.

“And the only things I have for supplies is my jacket, a Swiss-Army knife, the clothes on my back,

Simon: A jacket counts as the clothes on your back, dipshit.

I’d also make a complaint about him writing off the Swiss Army Knife he’s got, but it’s probably one of those rinky-dinky knock-off ones on a keychain, and not the actual full-sized utility knife itself. Because a full-sized Swiss Army Knife is actually pretty big; maybe not as big as a Bowie knife, which stands at a foot to two and a half feet, but certainly big enough to matter. On a full-sized Soldatenmesser 08, the knife is four and a half inches long, with the blade closed. Blade open, and it’s more than half a foot long. As far as knives go, that’s no slacker.

I've also seen the Swiss Army Knives that Specs and Bifocals collaborate on.

I’ve also seen the Swiss Army Knives that Specs and Bifocals collaborate on.

and my brains and street smarts,

Simon: *snerk*

Don’t kid yourself, Alex.

as well as three years worth of martial arts training and skateboarding… a lotta good that’s gonna do me out here in the middle of a forest jungle.”

Actually, three years of self-defense training can carry you a surprising distance if you know how to utilize it properly. Granted, there’s probably gonna be a lot of guys with WAY more experience than you, but common thugs certainly won’t know what hit them.

Also, uh… Did nobody educate Alex on the environmental differences between a forest and a jungle? Because, sure, they both have trees and shit, but they’re NOT the same thing. Sure, some arguments could be made that jungles are just a tropical forest, but Alex is in a very mountainous area of Japan, away from the immediate tropical biomes. Mountainous forests and tropical forests have very starkly different characteristics from each other. Ergo: Not the same thing.

“But, SC! How do you know it’s a mountainous region?”

According to history, the Emishi tribe lived primarily in the northwestern regions of the island of Honshu, which is known for being mountainous and volcanic. Ashitaka is an Emishi prince, and Irontown – where a good part of the story takes place – is only a few days’ travel westward from Ashitaka’s village. Need any other reasoning? I’m sure I can find a 3D geological map somewhere.

Pictured: Japan, with a side-map of the Ryuku Islands. Note that Honshu, the central area of Japan, is covered in mountains. The Defense rests its case, Your Honor.

Pictured: Japan, with a side-map of the Ryuku Islands. Note that Honshu, the central area of Japan, is covered in mountains. The Defense rests its case, Your Honor.

He huffed in aggravation and looked up at the sky, the branches and leaves nearly blotting out for him, “Oh yeah, I am officially screwed.”

He then reached into his jean pocket and pulled out the pocket knife, and looked at it with mixed feelings of relief and regret, “Good thing I always carry this in case of emergencies. I just wish this thing had a compass.”

Talk to Bifocals, I’m sure she could whip up something.

Bifocals: You mean like this?

8640623363_978b9e793d_z

Simon: …You can fit an entire cybernetic Heads-Up Display in somebody’s Swiss Army Knife?

Bifocals: Not without a holographic hard light projector.

I mean, OBVIOUSLY, Simon.

He then took out the blade and marked one of the trees nearby, “Like Hansel and Gretel’s trail of breadcrumbs… except I don’t have any bread on me,”

Okay, author, I’ll give you that one: Alex is actually being pretty smart here. Marking trees is a camping necessity to avoid getting lost in an area you don’t recognize.

Here, you get a redemption cookie.

though he stopped for a moment to survey on his next move,

Simon: He did what?

Wellp, English 101 is about to Strike Again.

Okay, who here DOESN’T know what the definition of survey is?

Anybody? Nobody? Cool.

So, can anybody tell me why Alex is being a moron?

Hmm? Yes, you, in the back?

“Because YOUR MOM BONED ME LAST NIGHT!”

*Juvenile giggling from the class*

Charming.

*B-KAM!*

*Horrified shrieks from the class*

Can we try this again, please? And let’s act like adults, this time.

Yes? You, in the pig tails? Also, why are you wearing severed pig tails? What the fuck is wrong with you?

“Hey, don’t mock my sty-”

The question, Hannibal Lecter?

“Uh… because surveying is a method of information gathering, particularly in relation to one’s surroundings, and Alex already knows he’s in a big-ass forest with little to no sense of direction?”

That’s certainly part of it, if you want to take that approach. The part I was looking for, however, is this – “survey”, as used as a method of gathering information about one’s surroundings, and “scan”, are basically the same word. And I’m not sure how you can scan a decision, particularly one you don’t even know you’re about to make yet.

Well done, Hannibal Lecter. You get an A for participation.

“Sweet!”

You also get an iron bite mask, a straight jacket, and locked up in a padded cell.

“Wait, wha-”

Class dismissed!

“Okay, let’s see….” he pointed towards right, “Now I know, or at least I should know that this might be the West,” and then pointed to his left, overlooking what seemed to be nine miles of forest, “This this might be the East, which Tokyo should be,” he figured now that he had to at least find someone down that way. If this was still Tokyo, Japan that is.

Wow, the author is displaying something like logic! I’m genuinely impressed.

Here, have another redemption cookie.

Crap, if this keeps up, I’m gonna run out of redemption cookies! I only brought like five!

He looked off towards the East of the forest; instantly, he gulped at what he saw. It looked like a nine mile walk head of him. Nine miles without any food or water, with no rest areas… and with not toilets. This realization had darkened his face and his mood as he sarcastically and sourly grumbled to himself, “Nine miles… this is just beautiful,” With that said and done, he collected himself and made his way to the east of the unknown vast forest.

…How did he know it was nine miles? I’m fairly certain the human eye can’t see that far on its own.

Simon I think we both know that the real problems here are the not-toilets.

Bifocals: What? Some of the not-toilets escaped? Scheiße!

What did you do.

Bifocals: Ah, nothing!

*Bifocals gives an all-too-innocent and sweet-like-sugar smile*

…I don’t trust you. But, we’ve got bigger matters to attend to:

Elsewhere in the Forest

Simon: Bigger matters than the not-toilet escapees?

Yeah, check it out:

The shadowy creature moved slowly across the ground, shuffling and oozing its way forward like a enormous slug.

…This is demon!Nago we’re talking about, right? I don’t know what version of the movie YOU watched, Stone-Man, but I recall him moving a hell of a lot faster than how you just described it.

Simon: …Yeah, that’s quite a bit faster than slugs move, actually. He was keeping up with a red elk at full sprint like it was nothing.

Loathsome sounds rumbled from within its obscured body as it plowed through bushes and over small plants. The creature then stopped at the foot of a tree, looked at it for a moment, then continued onward. Where it’s flesh touched the rough bark, a dark shade of brown began to spread. With a terrible cry of rage, the thing lurched forward and pushed the now lifeless tree over. When the obstruction had been cleared away, it moved on, leaving a dark trail of shadow, rage, and death behind it.

Simon: We get it, Nago’s super pissed because of that bullet he got shot by, can we move on now?

Funny you should say that, because we’re now:

Back with Alex

Simon: Shit, I take it back! Go back to Nago! Go back to Nago!

The afternoon sun could barely be seen through the thick canopy of leaves or the web of vines created by the forest.

I’m noticing a theme of the sun being just a suggestion rather than a present light source in this fic. It’s always obscured by something.

Bifocals: Maybe this fic was written by Abraham Van Brunt?

Maybe. I mean, if there’s anybody who has good cause to hate sunlight, it’s him.

It had only bee

a few three hours since Alex had started on his trek in any signs of civilization, or at least figure out where the heck he was.

Either the author a few words, or he took a brick to the head just then.

*Bifocals casually kicks her brick-mortar under the table*

But to him he felt that it had been the whole day; he had trekked on and on, and found nothing. So far, he felt that he wasn’t too sure that there was anyone even around here. It was almost like he had been the last man on a newly reborn earth, where the forest had retaken the whole planet.

Wouldn’t that be the first man, then? If Earth is newly reborn, then all life would be in its infancy, right?

So far, it had just been an exhausting nature walk for the poor raven haired American teenager.

…Wasn’t he brown-haired? I may have just forgotten after this long, or never bothered committing it to memory in the first place, but I feel like he was originally brown-haired.

Simon: How willing are you to go back and check?

Not very, honestly. But I will anyhow.

Simon: Well, that’s probably a number of updates back, so I’ma put on some more music while we wait.

*Simon kicks back in his seat and puts on his headphones*

*SC taps Simon, who wakes up from his short nap with a start and removes his headphones*

…Okay, found it. He never actually described his hair color up until now, so I guess I just assumed he was a brunette at the time.

Simon: Well, I guess that makes more sense than him just not bothering to remember it in the first place.

It’s certainly less enraging, that much is for certain.

He was tired, thirsty, and the lack of human contact was getting to him, more than once. He had no clue, no absolute clue, as to where he was, how he got here, nor even how much longer he would have to walk until his legs would fall off.

Bifocals: Probably as long as it would take for him to step in the laser tripwire between my Tripper droids. You know, the ones that bury themselves in the ground and put up a laser tripwire between their two sensors, and –

And the second some jackass steps between them, the damn things pop up and extend rotary blades at high speeds, cutting the poor sap’s feet off at the Achilles tendon, yes, I remember. I saw how badly they mutilated Shades that one time, and I also saw how full of holes she filled you in retaliation before she died from blood loss.

Simon: Ouch.

Yeah, it was horrific. As if it wasn’t already a squeamish topic for me to discuss cutting somebody’s Achilles tendon, I just HAD to be in Bifocals’ lab on the day that Shades forgot about her security measures. It was also one of the rare cases where Bifocals actually died!

Bifocals: I had forgotten how awful it felt.

As of this time, the American teenager could care less about all this; as long as he was moving, the less he gained a headache.

Simon: Wait till he has to stop for the night and a full-on migraine slams into him like a train.

Oof. I would laugh, but I know how that goes all too well.

It became apparent that the more he thought, the more he knew his loneliness would creep up on him. He sighed and moaned as he stopped to think aloud, “I blame that dumb tree,”

Really? Because I blame you for investigating it.

he knew full well that if he had just stayed away from that Sacred Tree’s nucleus core.

…Yes? Would you like to continue that thought, Alex?

Simon: Apparently, not every dwarf.

Are you trying to convince me to make Kitty’s “not every dwarf” into a buzzer, or something?

Simon: Maybe.

He groaned as he sighed, “I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning…”

Bifocals: But then we would have missed out on the magical warp device that gave me the idea to-

To what, madam?

Bifocals: …Nooot make a self-teleporting Bladroid?

Oh, God damn it…

Simon: Bladroid?

It’s a work-in-progress name. She’s still trying to figure out how to employ “blade” and “droid” into a single word. It’s basically a mini-mech that can transform into a sword with a self-superheating, self-electrifying vibroblade.

Simon: And she was going to use the magical doohickey’s magical teleportation properties to make a Bladroid that could warp around as it so wished?

Probably for nefarious purposes too, damn it.

Bifocals: No! I… was going to… offer it to, um, to Specs, as an… upgrade to his… current sword…

Yeah, you TOTALLY don’t have a crush on him at all, tomato-face.

Bifocals: I do not!

It was at that moment when he started to walk again, something twinge his nose.

It smelled as though somebody left a baby in the woodsand to die.

Simon: Whaped in colth, too.

<Alex sniffed the air, and then cringed as he grabbed his nose, nearly stepping back and turning away for a moment, “Oh man! What a stink! It smell like if a homeless person bathed in rancid meat, and then dried off with a towel made out of dead fish skins, and sprayed on a cologne called ‘Wet Dog’,”

Oh come on, I’m sure it’s not that bad.

*Bifocals sprays a mixture of said scents into the air*

OH DEAR GO-HURGKJKEJLHGLJKQHLKWHGTRNFADLHGKLHNVKJRNBGVVVFJKHGKEFDREFLGK!!!

Simon: Oh. Great. That’s a brand new pair of shoes, completely ruined. Fantastic.

Going against all the warning bells in his head, he took a few steps forward to where the stench was coming from.

Yet another stellar display of good decision-making. Shall we remind Alex of the magical doohickey he touched that brought him here?

He followed the stench until he came across a shallow trench that was stretched out across the path he traveled on. When he got there, he saw something about the trench that was quite bizarre about it. Alex knelt down near it as he examined the trench’s surface; the surface of the trench was coated in a layer of slimy red and black film.

He reached down and touched the slime, and brought back his hand with a few drips of the slime as he cringed a bit, “Sheesh! I feel like I’m in a bad attempt in making an Aliens movie.”

house-disbelief-600x420

Oh, look! Now he’s touching MORE dangerous shit, in yet ANOTHER brilliant display of good logic! How is this fucking kid not DEAD yet?

Simon: Hey, guess what happened when I touched slimy red and black shit! <i>I GOT MOTHERFUCKING TRAPPED IN THE WALL IT WAS STUCK TO AND NEARLY DIED.</i> Fun fucking times.

Bifocals: At least it was not my Goodroids.

Simon: Dare I ask?

Somehow or another, Bifocals combined machinery with gelatin liquids. As a result, the Goodroid was born. Naturally, Bifocals took that a step further and designed the Goodroid to have a pattern-recognizing VI that allowed it to transform into whatever device fit the occasion, so it can patch holes in walls by becoming a sort of flexible super-putty, or blow even bigger holes in them by somehow becoming a functioning beam cannon. Or it can become a pan to fry eggs with, if you prefer the more mundane uses of its VI.

Simon: Shit, how has she not been kidnapped by spies yet?

Because her lab exists in a pocket dimension where things like time and physics have no meaning.

But then he took notice of something else at this moment as he looked back at the trench. The plants and grass that was around the trench were all brown and dead with decay, as were the nearby trees. And some of the trees had been pushed and broken down, almost as if something rammed through them without even going at a high speed. From what Alex saw, the trees were brought down with pure powerful strength.

How the fuck could he have known that?

“Jeez,” Alex breathed as he gulped a little, “Something huge came through this way,” and then looked back at the trench, and saw that it seemed to continue for miles in both directions, “and it sure made a mess of this area.”

Bifocals: That sounds like-

It was fucking Nago, not your Big Droidekas.

Simon: Was that a euphemism for boobs?

No. She literally produced oversized versions of Star Wars Droidekas.

Bifocals: Although, I am somewhere in the D range, last I checked.

Why did we need to know that?

Bifocals: For Spe- uh, science.

…I mean, honestly, the crush you “don’t” have is SO OBVIOUS.

as he looked back at the trench again, he nearly lost his lunch as it seemed to remind him of an infected gash that his father had shown him off one of his patients.

working-1-unimpressed

…That’s… that’s great. Thanks, Alex. You’ve just put me off my Dagwood sandwich. You fucker.

He covered his nose now, realizing that he had taken a huge whiff of it, and realized it smelled even worse now, “Oh… oh, god. I’m gonna be sick.”

Simon: Not on my spare shoes, you’re fucking not!

He stood up again, planning to make clear out of there, but then something caught his eye. Something was moving along the trench’s bottom… something still alive. Because it was too cryptic by the red and black slimy film to ID it, he carefully stepped into the trench. each step he took make a sickening squish sound, and then he crouched on one knee and moved in to get a better look at it.

Yes, continue grossing me the hell out. I totally didn’t want this Dagwood anyways. Fuck you, Alex.

“What the heck is this… ?” Alex asked as he got a good look of it.

The thing that caught his eye wriggled like a worm or snake, but it had the sickly, dark color of rotten flesh.

Dear God, is that the slowly-dying carcass of the coochipede?!

GHOSTIE! THE BIOHAZARD BIN! HURRY, FOR GOD’S SAKE, IT’S STILL ALIVE!

Alex, fighting against his better judgment, reached out with one hand to touch it with just the tip of his fingers.

WHY DO YOU KEEP TOUCHING THINGS?!

But the moment his skin made contact with it, a burning pain shot through his fingers. “Holy…!” he shouted and hissed as he yanked his arm away and jumped out of the trench to gain distance away from the creature.

UN-holy. It’s pronounced unholy.

Simon: I mean, unless holy magic suddenly started employing “evil” colors, that is.

Well, there’s always the Shadow Priests from Warcraft.

Simon: Well, yeah, there is that.

Bifocals: It could also be-

IT IS NOT YOUR DAMN DROIDS!

He then quickly rubbed his hand on his pants and blew at it, trying to wipe away the burning sensation on his fingers.

Yes, aggravate the burn. That helps this situation a LOT.

He took a quick glance at the creature as he breathed heavily, “Jeez, you’re a nasty little bugger, aren’t you?”

Simon: I’m sorry, Alex, aside from this guy over here –

Heyo.

Simon: – The only person who can get away with using “bugger” around me is Maria. Don’t you start.

Why only Maria?

Simon: Because of her adorable English accent. Everybody else just sounds weird.

Except me?

Simon: No, you sound weird, but in a funny way instead of a way that makes me punch walls.

Ignoring the creature as it continued to slither in the trench, Alex took a quick glance around the forest. He then quickly jumped over the trench, barely landing on the other side. It was then that he took another look at the trench as he cringed in his thoughts, ‘Maybe there’s a whole colony of those things. Like a termite or ant colony.’ he shivered at the thought of running into that many critters.

Hey, at least it wasn’t demon SPIDERS. That’d be where I’d be all:

"...And run it the fuck over for good measure!"

“…And run it the fuck over for good measure!”

Simon: Wow, you REALLY don’t like spiders, do you?

You see a bug. I see this:

DO YOU WANT TO POKE FUN AT MY HATRED OF SPIDERS NOW, FUCKER?!

DO YOU WANT TO POKE FUN AT MY HATRED OF SPIDERS NOW, FUCKER?!

Simon: …Alright, I think I see your point.

He then took a huge sigh as he continued making his way eastward, “Whatever it was… I really, really, really hope I don’t end up running into it along the way.”

Aaand scene.

I’m gonna have to cut it here, as these chapters are just a tad too long for me to even pull full-chapter riffs on. But, I feel like I can wrap this up in just two parts, so no worries.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for part two, where Alex probably runs into it along the way. Or maybe he doesn’t? I don’t know, and I don’t care right now! In the meantime, on behalf of Simon Bellamay III and Bifocals, I’ll see you next time!

…But seriously, fuck spiders.

Simon: Oh, come on, they’re not all bad. I mean, look at this guy:

opensquish_tarantula_34114

*twitch twitch*

How… many… babies… do you think… that thing is carrying?

Simon: Uh…

*SC snags the weapon Bifocals was tinkering on*

Bifocals: Hey!

*CH-CHAK!*

*Bweeeeeeeeeeee*

How fucking many.

Simon: Let’s just put the scattershot-deathray down, and be reasonable about this…

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95 Comments on “900: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Three, Part One”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I like listening to classical music and piano symphonies.

    “Piano symphonies”?

    *gives a listen*

    *BAM*

    Simon, you have terrible taste in music, and you should feel bad.

    *puts on a Mahler symphony*

    Ah, now that’s the shit.

  2. Bifocals: You did not lose any limbs, nor did you suffer any mutations, displacement in time, loss in the void of space due to miscalculations, or awkward cross-dressing. I do not know why you are complaining.

    I know, right? He’s coming out better than usual.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Look, Bifocals made it, you should just assume that it’s ridiculously dangerous and not question things.

    Oh God… Logic bomb… So… Tempting…

  4. I feel like there is SOME important figure in Japanese mythology which is likened to a boar, though. Ghostie, I may need a second opinion on that one.

    I didn’t find a whole lot, there’s this;

    http://dailyglimpsesofjapan.blogspot.com/2012/06/inoshishi-japanese-boar.html

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The forest was quiet at it neared dawn

    And Typo-Man strikes again!

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Suddenly, trees were being knocked down, almost as if something was breaking them down,

    *facepalm*

    Wow. You have to try to fail this hard at descriptive prose…

  7. Ishi says:

    Simon: So, how many ninjas do you think are going to be getting leeches for their injuries?

    As if my noble clan would ever be so unprofessional as to become injured during the performance of their duties.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The creature past a family of foxes,

    *frowns*

    So it’s a creature that now exists only in the past, right? So hasn’t it been defeated by way of being phased into a different tense?

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    As he slowly opened his eyes trying to refocus his vision, and trying to shake off the drowsiness spell that lasted upon him,

    *sigh*

    Thank god the DRD didn’t think to count this one.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Simon: Ah, my nightmares. I was wondering where those had run off to in recent months.

    Probably hanging out in Fraug’s copy of Alien, which scared the bejeesus out of me last night.

  11. Nine miles without any food or water, with no rest areas… and with not toilets.

    He’s a guy, the entire forest can be his toilet.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    We didn’t, but now that I do, I’m going to have to confiscate all weaponry you might be planning to load into said amusement park.

    Hm…

    Say, Bifocals, about the roller coaster made with candy cane and marshmallow… You realize that marshmellows are compressible and that candy canes are generally fragile little buggers no matter how thick you make them, right?

  13. He reached down and touched the slime, and brought back his hand with a few drips of the slime as he cringed a bit, “Sheesh! I feel like I’m in a bad attempt in making an Aliens movie.”

    :headdesk:

    The hell do you keep touching stuff for, dumbass?

    • SC says:

      Hey, if he wants to get pulled into a deathtrap, who am I to stop him.

      It’ll be hilarious to watch and I won’t have to deal with his shit anymore.

  14. Dear God, is that the slowly-dying carcass of the coochipede?!

    GHOSTIE! THE BIOHAZARD BIN! HURRY, FOR GOD’S SAKE, IT’S STILL ALIVE!

    AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MAKE IT GO AWAY

    :retreats to Bunker and uses Gong Launcher to throw interns at the problem:

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    as well as three years worth of martial arts training

    Too bad he probably learned those martial arts from the Kye Jen School of Martial Arts Training…

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, uh… Did nobody educate Alex on the environmental differences between a forest and a jungle? Because, sure, they both have trees and shit, but they’re NOT the same thing.

    Well, he did think that forests in Maryland were right at home in Florida, so what do you think?

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It had only bee

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    As of this time, the American teenager could care less about all this; as long as he was moving, the less he gained a headache.

    Something tells me he should probably find a stream soon. Headaches can be a sign of dehydration, and he has been walking a real long while…

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Sheesh! I feel like I’m in a bad attempt in making an Aliens movie.”

    Oh shit! Ninjas, get the bolt tape, Fraug might have a conniption!

  20. TacoMagic says:

    “And the only things I have for supplies is my jacket, a Swiss-Army knife, the clothes on my back,

    “If only I had a holocaust cloak, that would be something.”

  21. TacoMagic says:

    “Okay, let’s see….” he pointed towards right, “Now I know, or at least I should know that this might be the West,” and then pointed to his left, overlooking what seemed to be nine miles of forest, “This this might be the East, which Tokyo should be,” he figured now that he had to at least find someone down that way. If this was still Tokyo, Japan that is.

    Wow, the author is displaying something like logic! I’m genuinely impressed.

    Well, sorta. He doesn’t mention how he’s coming to these conclusions. Based on what the audience was given, he could have just been making wild guesses because he’s awesome enough to innately know direction. Sure, he’s trying to work through the logic, but he’s doing it in slapdash way without any kind of indication that he knows what the hell he’s talking about.

    He also used pretty passive language, which enforces that he isn’t doing the typical things that would make him certain of direction: like looking at the sun.

    Further, if he can see well enough to be able to notice that there are about 9 miles of forest below him, he’d be able to see far enough to know if there’s a village or anything nearby. Certainly he’d be able to see Tokyo if he was anywhere near it. Since he doesn’t see anything, he either needs to reassess his compass heading, or assume he might not be anywhere near Tokyo and come up with a better plan.

    He also mentions twice that he can see 9 miles of forest, but never mentions what exactly is beyond that 9 miles. Is there a town he can see? The coast? Plains? Or does the land just end in a wall of white that stretches on into infinity?

    I don’t know that this deserves a redemption cookie. It’s logical to a point, but it’s very flimsy.

  22. TacoMagic says:

    He was tired, thirsty, and the lack of human contact was getting to him, more than once.

    Dude, it’s been like 20 minutes! How needy of a person ARE you!?

  23. Delta XIII says:

    Simon: I’m sorry, Alex, aside from this guy over here –

    Heyo.

    Simon: – The only person who can get away with using “bugger” around me is Maria. Don’t you start.

    Why only Maria?

    Simon: Because of her adorable English accent. Everybody else just sounds weird.

    *raises hand*
    Mister Simon? I have a New Zealand accent. Can I still use that word?


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