Title: My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: Welcome back to who gives a shit what this story is called, really? Last time, the main villains loudly proclaimed to the world where they were, asking only Lightning to come, and like a moron he only brought his friends and not, ya know, an army. They got sucked into the Dimension of Darkness, had a lackluster fight where no one really got hurt, the Pokemon parallels got even more forced than they already were, and Lightning passed out because he was an idiot who let himself get drugged right before the battle and didn’t do anything about it. Also he was having nightmares because of Serpent-Terror or something. It wasn’t really important and only existed as a reason for him to do the dumb. Like he needs a reason.
Nora: So lets finish up this two parter.
Fight in the Dimesnion of Darkness PT 2
Cornelia: Still on with the PT 2? Like we said last week, we checked. This isn’t a sign of him not having enough room in the chapter entry box, he’s just being pretentious. Or stupid. Or both.
The gang huddled together, and the minions stood side-by-side. Lightning was still sleeping deeply, much to the gang’s upset, but to the minions’ delight.
Gordon Freeman’s Brother John Freeman: John Freeman haded bettar grammer!
Ert: And at least the bad grammar there was intentionally hilarious. “Much to the gang’s upset.” I had a few paragraphs that looked like that once. I typed them up at 4 on the morning when I was barely conscious.
Nora: Yeah his sleep schedule is a train wreck.
Ert: Don’t rub it in.