1391: My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing (That still means nothing) Chapter 17Posted: April 19, 2016
Title: My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: Welcome back to who gives a shit what this story is called, really? Last time, the main villains loudly proclaimed to the world where they were, asking only Lightning to come, and like a moron he only brought his friends and not, ya know, an army. They got sucked into the Dimension of Darkness, had a lackluster fight where no one really got hurt, the Pokemon parallels got even more forced than they already were, and Lightning passed out because he was an idiot who let himself get drugged right before the battle and didn’t do anything about it. Also he was having nightmares because of Serpent-Terror or something. It wasn’t really important and only existed as a reason for him to do the dumb. Like he needs a reason.
Nora: So lets finish up this two parter.
Fight in the Dimesnion of Darkness PT 2
Cornelia: Still on with the PT 2? Like we said last week, we checked. This isn’t a sign of him not having enough room in the chapter entry box, he’s just being pretentious. Or stupid. Or both.
The gang huddled together, and the minions stood side-by-side. Lightning was still sleeping deeply, much to the gang’s upset, but to the minions’ delight.
Gordon Freeman’s Brother John Freeman: John Freeman haded bettar grammer!
Ert: And at least the bad grammar there was intentionally hilarious. “Much to the gang’s upset.” I had a few paragraphs that looked like that once. I typed them up at 4 on the morning when I was barely conscious.
Nora: Yeah his sleep schedule is a train wreck.
Ert: Don’t rub it in.
“Poor thing…” hissed Mysterious “Guess he’s reached the end of his rope.” added Rep-Stallion
Cornelia: Not really. He’s just really stupid.
Nora: This is not a recent development.
The others tried to wake Lightning up, but he was really passed out. Krysta then realized what was going on when Lightning went to see Penny, and she gave him that medicine. “It might make you sleepy when you least expect it.”
Ert: Apparently “sleepy” equals “knocks out cold.” The shit was she pumping into his bloodstream.
Goeth: Why is everyone looking at me? Do you really think I would give him something that boring? I’d give him something that would invert his spine first.
Nora: He’s not wrong.
“Lightning… please, wake up!” cried Starla.
“Come on, amigo!” cried Dyno… but Lightning hardly even moved.
Ert: Still mui mui racisto!
The gang also realized that they had all huddled into one group again, which made them easy targets for their enemies. “Who should we take out first….?” Dementia teased. “All of you…!”
Nora: Still failing to see how them sticking together is a bad move, considering that when they split up they weren’t doing much better. Ironically Lightning was starting to hold his own for once in his life. But then the Grand Ruler was angered by that and struck him down for ruining his game.
Ert: We’re having way too much fun turning this guy into big brother.
The gang were in trouble now, but they couldn’t just run off while Lightning was down. “I have an idea…” Buddy Rose whispered to the others, and told them his plan. “Okay, get ready…!”
Nora: Yeah, I know one of the more basic aspects of writing
The minions readied their most powerful attacks…
“DANCE OF ICE…!”
“THE BITE OF LIGHTNING…!”
“THE HAMMER OF EVIL…!”
Cornelia: Ok, hammer of evil? What makes evil? Is it midnight black? Is it forged from the horn of the last unicorn that was murdered by the forger? Was it bathed in the blood of 666 demons?
Nora: Probably has a frowny face on the side. Because the author doesn’t seem to get that no one ever honestly refers to themselves as evil outside of children’s TV. Unless they’re being ironic.
Ert: I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Mykan is living proof of there being exceptions. Remember how he said his power came from hate? He’s a little boy trying so hard to be a Sith it hurts. He’s Kylo Ren.
Right as they fired their attacks, Buddy quickly leapt up, “SOIL STORM…!”
Nora: He leapt up soil storm? Leaping up is not a speaking action, Mykan. I think you might want to recheck your old English tests. X is wrong, checkmark is right, not the other way around.
and his magic worked as it stirred up the soil in the grounds creating a dust cloud just as the attacks collided in a massive explosion. All that soil and dust and mist made it hard to see for a moment, and then when the dust had cleared, the gang was gone, but they hadn’t been blown to pieces.
Cornelia: Ok, how did this help them? It didn’t block the attacks, just making it so that they couldn’t be seen. And Buddy only used it the second the attacks hit, so they would’ve had to start getting the heck out of the way before then in order to not get fried. And they didn’t. So they all should’ve gotten hit.
Ert: Gotten hit by what is something we don’t know though. Considering Mykan didn’t feel the need to describe what “Bite of Lightning” does.
“They’re gone!” cried Dementia.
Rep-Stallion angrily slammed his scythe hard. “They outwitted us again!”
Nora: Well you know what they say. In the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is king. With that in mind, in the land of braindead morons, those with minor brain functions are geniuses.
Mysterious, too, was annoyed. “They must be around here somewhere.” He said “Remember, they can’t leave here. We’ll find them, even if we have to tear this derelict dimension apart piece by piece!”
Cornelia: And they can’t leave why? Lightning has the Uniforce, which you have constantly said that you don’t fully understand. Remember? The entire point of constantly attacking Lightning was so that you could capture him and Titan could understand the Uniforce. You forgot that didn’t you?
Ert: To be fair, Mykan probably did too. He just wanted a reason for Titan to constantly go after Lightning, but didn’t want to try very hard.
They spread out and began blowing up and attacking anyplace that could remotely serve as a general hiding spot, but the gang had actually retreated to the foyer of Titan’s castle. The one place they hoped the minions wouldn’t dare to attack.
Goeth: So three people are searching an entire dimension. Ok, with the speed that they’re moving at…the land that three people can cover … the size of a dimension … they should be done with their search in 2-3 eons.
Nora: And that’s assuming Lighting’s friends stay still, when they could go back to a place that’s already been searched.
Lightning was still sleeping deeply under Penny’s medicine, and the others needed time to rest and think. The minions had certainly lead them into a well laid trap,
Cornelia: Not really. You said yourselves that it was most likely a trap, but you went in anyway. Because the story didn’t want you to be stupid but it wanted an exciting climax.
Ert: And it ended up failing on both fronts. That’s fucking impressive.
sending them to this dimension where their powers were much stronger, while some of their magic wouldn’t work.
Nora: That’s a thing? That’s how it works? I don’t recall that ever being established.
Ert: Mykan has more important things to do than establish how his world works. Like relive his PTSD flashbacks from forum wars.
“Just look at them out there…” said Artie. Everyone gazed outside watching the minions blast more chunks and piles of dead trees and rocks away. They’re powers seemed just as strong as ever, even after all that had happened outside during the battle.
Cornelia: You know, we need some kind of scale if we want to see how powerful these people are. Dragon Ball Z’s power levels get a fair amount of flak, and for decent reasons, but they did serve the purpose of letting us know how strong some characters were compared to other characters. Mykan just keeps saying that people are more powerful, but his narration is so thin and vapid that we don’t have anything to compare it to, nor do their new powers feel particularly impressive. As such if feels like they’re basically the same, and that everyone is just overreacting.
“Come on out…!” roared Rep-Stallion “We’ll find you!” He sliced the remains of trees down, and blew up more rocks.
Nora: I’ll keep breaking random shit until I find you! THIS IS AN EFFECTIVE SEARCHING METHOD!
“Where it comes from we want to know…
How can they just keep going like so?” asked Rhymey.
Ert: I don’t know, where does your insufferable urge to rhyme come from? Is there a tumor in your brain? If so, may I poke it?
The others didn’t know and were too busy trying to wake Lightning up. He managed to get his eyes open at least. “Guys…?” he whimpered “What’s going on…? I feel so… heavy… and weak!”
Cornelia: It’s a long and stupid story, Lightning. Ok not long, but stupid.
“You’re just sleepy from Penny’s medicine.” said Krysta “That’s why you feel weak.”
Lightning struggled to stand, but he felt as if he had a huge boulder rest on his back and slumped back down. “Shh…! Quiet…!” cried Starla “They’ll hear us out there…”
Nora: What noise did he make? He just slumped back down. Unless the minions are right outside the window and their destructive rampage is particularly quiet, they’re not going to be hearing much. Or did their supar bestest powers™ give them super hearing?
The minions heard nothing and continued to search. “You’re beginning to make us angry!” snarled Dementia as she fired more ice shards and she almost struck the castle off in the distance. “No!” Mysterious thundered as he intercepted her blast with his own power. Then he gave her an angry look!
Dementia apologized. “I forgot.”
Ert: Man I sure hope that they’re not willing to attack the castle.
Nora: And then they were not willing to attack the castle.
“Did you see that…?” asked Dyno.
“Si, I did…! That ice shard could’ve come this way.” said Myte.
Ert: We saw. We figured it out.
Obviously the minions didn’t want the castle to get blasted, but why was that. “There must be something very important in here.” said Starla. “But what is it, and where is it?”
Nora: You’re the ones saying that you hoped that they wouldn’t attack the castle. Now that you have you’re saying “Oh wait, what could this possible mean? Is there something hidden in here? THERE’S SOMETHING HIDDEN IN HERE!”
Cornelia: If the minions wanted to hide something in the castle, wouldn’t they be making a beeline to make sure that it’s safe? Maybe leaving one of them to guard it?
Ert: You’re asking for logic in a story that has none.
Just the foyer seemed large enough to hide so many things in so many places. Lightning finally managed to stand up without falling down again, “Maybe… we should go in deeper?” he asked.
Nora: Well a solution for everyone’s problems has just been shoehorned in. Show of hands, who thinks the last rainbow stone is here?
Cornelia: It isn’t really a surprise, is it?
Seeing no other option and it would do well for Lightning to move around and shake his drowsiness away, they ventured forth into Titan’s castle.
Ert: They were already IN his castle. When you venture into something, you ENTER it. You can do it to something YOU ARE ALREADY INSIDE!
Outside, Rep-Stallion asked the others “What if they really are in the castle? Maybe they know about… you know…”
Dementia grabbed him, “Don’t be an idiot! No one would dare venture into the depths of the master’s castle.”
Nora: Yeah, the enemies of Titan would never enter his castle. It’s really really spooky and they respect their sworn enemy that much.
Mysterious wasn’t too sure about that, though. “It is a possibility.” He said “I think we’ll play a waiting game.”
Ert: Wow he’s stupid. I mean they’re all stupid and this is common knowledge, but it still hurts to constantly be beaten over the head with it.
Even with Kyrsta’s fairy glow,
Cornelia: She glows? If that was established I completely blanked on it.
and the lit torches along the walls, the inside of the castle was dark and creepy. Cobwebs everywhere you looked, water dripping down from above and bits of dead bones along the floor. Starla stepped on a few “Ugh! Gross…!” she murmured.
Nora: Faced with remains of the people Titan has killed. “Ugh! Gross!” Nice priorities there.
Ert: Even when making a bad guy who is the conqueror of dimensions, Mykan can’t seem to rise above cheesy B movie Dracula when designing his castle.
Every once in a while, one of the others would ask if Lightning was okay “I’m fine!” he would say annoyingly. Then he let out a yawn, “At least I think I will be…”
Cornelia: Oh don’t inject false drama. Absolutely everything is going to go his way, don’t pretend otherwise.
That was the least of their problems- They now were facing an area with many doors and pathways. “Which way should we go now…?” asked Buddy Rose. The best they could all do was split up. Starla and Krysta would remain with Lightning to help him out.
Ert: Yes, because splitting up worked so well last time. You flat out said that the minions aren’t coming in here. What’s the rush?
Artie handed everyone a small paintbrush, and a small jar of white paint each. “We’ll draw arrows along the walls in case we get lost.”
Nora: AGH! A halfway sensible move! What is this madness?
Then, everyone picked a doorway and headed through. Some ways lead upwards, others went deeper into the bowls of the world, and some just kept going straight ahead. “Hello…?” cried Krysta “Is anyone here?”
Poor Rhymey felt his hind legs quivering.
I’m in fear.” He whimpered. Then suddenly, something spooked him.
Nora: Ah yes, something. That part of the formless void that comes and stalks us as night.
“I see something moving to and fro…!” Then he realized, “Oh silly me… it’s just my shadow.”
Ert: … Please let me kill him.
Cornelia: Doesn’t even make sense. I’m assuming he’s a grown adult right? What grown adult actually mistakes their shadow for something sinister?
As frightful as he felt, he pressed on.
Nora: Hopefully he won’t run into a spider, that’ll end his mission.
Dyno and Myte almost felt right at home in the mines, but it was never this dark and spooky. At least they had their miner’s hats to give some light. Suddenly, Dyno felt as if he were walking on wood. “Myte… do you feel that?” he asked.
His brother nodded. “The floor was stone, now it’s wood?”
Nora: Should we do something about that? Like actually looking where we put our feet?
Then suddenly the floor opened wide, as it was really a trap door, and the twins fell through, shrieking. Their shriek echoed throughout the castle, alarming the others.
Nora: Not a very good trap door if it sticks out like a sore thumb. I mean really, wouldn’t the smarter move be to make it so that it blends in with the floor?
Rhymey quivered in fear.
I BELIEIVE I SHOULD FLEE…!” and he ran as fast as he could down the tunnel.
Nora: I talk to myself so that I can continue to cram this unbearably annoying quirk down everyone’s throats.
Ert: Also what the hell is going on with this scene? We were following the el racisto brothers. Is Mykan so obsessed with Rhymey that he just injected him into a scene where he wasn’t? Is Rhymey so annoying that he’s bending space and time? Goeth, look into that.
Cornelia: And why is he losing his nerve every three seconds? This is just like that episode where they all had a bad dream and were scared of absolutely everything.
“What’s that…?” asked Buddy Rose.
“I don’t think we want to know.” cried Artie. They continued to walk forward, and suddenly slipped on a steep slope sending them both sliding down and away!
Ert: Ok, this is just pathetic. These traps could easily be avoided by ACTUALLY FUCKING PAYING ATTENTION! It’s like Mykan wants all of his characters to be briandead. Why? Hell if I know, maybe he doesn’t want anyone to be smarter than him. Which sets the bar pretty low.
“Okay…!” Lightning cried “I think wide awake now.”
“Good…!” cried Krysta “Because I think we should…”
“RUN…!” cried Starla, and all of them began to dash ahead, and up ahead were three doorways, each of them dashed through one completely separating from one another.
Nora: There was a loud noise that sounded a lot like our friends were in peril. LATER ASSHOLES! I’M SAVING MY OWN SKIN!
Ert: Our heroes, everyone … losing their nerve at the first sign of trouble and leaving their friends for dead.
Dyno and Myte were falling, Buddy Rose and Artie were sliding, and all the others were running feeling scared out of their wits,
Cornelia: Yes, this was established. What of it?
somehow they all wound up crashed into each other… and lay on the ground right back in the room where they started. All the paths lead them right back. “Now I’m really wide awake!” Lightning grunted annoyingly.
Nora: So Titan had a slide and a trapdoor that just happened to lead to the same place? And everyone else just happened to get their by running in random directions? Of course they did. Of course …
As everyone got up, they felt really silly, falling for all those traps.
Ert: Really silly is a funny way to spell absolutely fucking moronic.
“This just will not do.
This won’t work out for me and you.” Rhymey said.
Cornelia: Who is he talking to?
Ert: Himself. He’s not a character. He’s a quirk with legs.
“What do we do now?” asked Artie “There’s no point in trying the paths again. We’ll just end up back here.”
Ert: Or you could try again, look where you’re going and not lose your nerve at the drop of a hat. Or am I being too radical?
The twins began to feel along the walls. “What are you two doing…?” asked Krysta, the twins didn’t answer but just kept feeling along the walls, and tapping the stones. Suddenly, Myte reached up and grabbed hold of a torch holder, which moved like a lever. “Ah…! Esso Es!”
Nora: So, let me get this straight. Titan installed traps in his lair that didn’t lead to cells or spiked pits. No. He made it so that they lead to just outside the secret passageways that he didn’t want anyone to find.
Cornelia: I think Titan might secretly want to lose.
he chirped with glee as the wall near him began to slide open revealing a hidden way to a flight of stairs. “Just like at home, Si.” said Dyno.
Ert: The fuck does that even mean? Did they have castles with hidden passageways in Spexico?
“Way to go, boys!” said Lightning “Come on, let’s go.”
Everyone dashed up, up, up the long flight of curving stairs up into the castle keep. They felt a little tired after running all the way to the top. “Whew…! Now I see why the minions always teleport.” groaned Artie.
Ert: That’s because they want to make a quick getaway, not because they’re lazy like you.
Nevertheless, they had reached what appeared to be Titan’s old throne room, and the sight of Titan’s old massive throne was almost breathtaking. “Even the Grand Ruler’s throne isn’t this big.” remarked Lightning.
Nora: I never took Titan for the overcompensating type, I thought that was more of a Grand Ruler thing. But in hindsight I’m really not surprised.
Krysta flew round, and around the throne as she flew to the top then back down again. She landed on the seat and walked around a bit, but something felt strange to her. “Krysta… what’s wrong?” asked Lightning.
“I feel something…” answered Krysta “Something below here is giving a vibration.”
Ert: And she can feel vibrations. In the air. Because fuck science in its asshole.
Nora: I don’t get it, why the double secret? Is Titan concerned that someone would find his secret throne room but knew they wouldn’t find secret thing #2?
Starla walked over and place one of her front hooves over the seat. “I feel it…” she said. The other all walked over to see if she was right, but then Rhymey felt one of his hooves press down on a stone which was a floor-switch.
Cornelia: *Sigh* Why does Titan keep putting all of his hidden levers in easy-to-find areas? Especially ones where someone could stumble onto it by complete accident?
Ert: Because Mykan wants there to be an obstacle, but he doesn’t want his characters to have to try to get around it.
The area around the throne began to rumble and quake. “Rhymey… what have you done…?” asked Lightning.
…No!” whimpered Rhymey
Ert: NOT A RHYME! NOT A FUCKING RHYME! THE ONE FUCKING THING THIS FUCKING CHARACTER ACTUALLY FUCKING DOES AND YOU CAN’T FUCKING GET IT RIGHT YOU FUCKING HACK! FUCK YOU!
(Rhymey Can’t Rhyme Counter: 4)
Suddenly, the throne began to move. “Hey…!” cried Krysta and she leapt off of it and everyone else backed away. “Look…!” cried Buddy Rose as something was rising up from where the throne was resting before, it was a giant glowing sphere.
Ert: A rainbow stone. How did we call it. How did we FUCKING call it. So, Grand Ruler. You hid the stones in other dimensions to keep them from falling into the wrong hands? Nice going there dipshit. This is assuming you didn’t give it to Titan on purpose. Knowing you, it’s a possibility.
“What is it?” asked Starla.
That’s when the sphere raised up, and began t fly around in circles, and then it flew straight through an open window and headed outside. “Let’s go after it.” said Lightning.
Nora: No, let’s let the obvious rainbow stone go. It’s not like we need it or anything.
Cornelia: Contrary to popular belief, people do not need to fill every second with talking.
They all flew up and out the window, chasing the sphere, not realizing where they were going at first until they ran right into the minions again. “Well, well…” hissed Mysterious as he held the sphere and tucked it away in his armor.
Ert: So were they just waiting right outside there? Did they know this would happen? This is something that really pisses me off with fiction in general. Villains happening to be just where they need to be to completely surround the heroes and the heroes NEVER see them coming. It keeps happening all over the place and it’s bullshit.
“Did you enjoy your tour of the master’s castle?” Dementia snickered.
The others had almost forgotten why they had come in the first place.
Nora: They’re really stupid like that. Jangle some keys in front of their face and they forget their own names for a few minutes.
“No more games!” Lightning said “I think it’s time we finish what we started.”
“Funny… we were thinking the same thing.” snapped Rep-Stallion as he gripped his scythe. The gang readied themselves, drew out their weapons, and charged up.
Cornelia: That isn’t a clever comeback. Mykan, please, read some other books and draw inspiration. Make your dialogue at least a little bit clever and witty.
“Go…!” shouted Lightning. At his shout, the gang split up and attacked the minions just like before. It was harder than ever to find a good place to run because most of the trees and rocks had been blown up.
Ert: So are they attacking or running? You don’t need to run if you’re facing the enemy head on.
The battle seemed more equal this time
Nora: For absolutely no logical reason. It’s just the final act and now the heroes stand a chance because Mykan doesn’t understand how story structure works.
as attacks and blows were sent and given, but the minions were still proving to be far too swift and strong. Their powers just never seemed to decrease or get weaker, no matter what they did.
Cornelia: Well that only ever happened one time, so I don’t know why they keep expecting it to happen now that they’ve trained.
As for the gang, some of their attacks still didn’t work because of the unstable conditions of the dimension, and Lightning couldn’t summon the rainbow rod as it couldn’t travel between realms. “You… won’t win…!” growled Lightning. “We shall see…!” hissed Mysterious.
Ert: That’s a retort that’s barely above “nu-uh!” You know what would make this story slightly endearing? If it was a bunch of kindergartners playing on the playground. Because stuff like this is cute when five year olds do it. When a grown ass adult like Mykan does it, it’s pathetic.
Rhymey and Artie’s weapons were starting to get scraped and scratched, while Rep-Stallion’s scythe had hardly a dent in it, and Dementia’s ice powers were making it hard for others.
Nora: OH NOES! Scrapes and scratches! THAT TOTALLY MAKES THEM LOOK BAD! Also ice powers wouldn’t make it hard for others. If anything it’d make them soft.
Nora: I’ll be here all week!
Dyno and Myte tried to rush her from different ends, but she flipped out of the way causing the twins to ram into each other. “Did we… get her…?” they both said feeling dizzy.
Cornelia: Why would they ask that? Do they honestly think that they might have gotten her?
Ert: Maybe they cracked their skulls wide open and are hallucinating in their death thralls.
Nora: Ert, tone it down a notch.
Dementia just had to laugh, but Starla didn’t think it funny. “Oh yeah?” she growled, and lunged at Dementia trying to land one good bash, but she dodged each and every one of them and kicked her hard sending her back and right into Lightning, knocking him down.
Ert: “Oh yeah” what? That’s something that’s supposed to be said to challenge a claim. Not just randomly blurted out. But then again, considering 99% of the dialogue in this story, it fits.
“Starla…!” cried Lightning a she got up “Are you okay…?”
“Yeah… I’m alright.” She answered
“This is crazy! We’re not getting anywhere.” Krysta said. The others huddled together.
Nora: What, did they call a time out? Last time they were bunched together like this, they made a big deal about how it made them vulnerable. Does it not count anymore?
Cornelia: It seems that the author is ready for them to win now, so they’re not allowed to be hampered.
“We’ve fought the best we can,
But I say we need a new plan.” panted Rhymey
Ert: It turns out dividing up our forces against a superior foe was a really dumb idea. Big shock.
The minions laughed as the slowly crept forth “There’s nothing you can plan…” hissed Mysterious. “There’s nothing you can do.” He reached into his armor and held out the glowing sphere. “We have all the magic… we have all the power… and now we have you in our grasp!”
Nora: Magic is apparently a measurable force and we posses all of it. Even though you have magic, the Grand Ruler has magic, and really we’re just talking out of our asses because we’re villains and all villains ever do is gloat. Right?
Lightning took note of what was just said, and he also remembered how during the fight everyone was bumping into one another.
Nora: *Sigh* Sure. Add that to the long list of things that was totally established. I need a drink.
He was beginning to have an idea. “Any last words…?” asked Rep-Stallion as he held his scythe high. “Make it fast…!” snapped Dementia.
Ert: We’re very formal like that in that we’re evil as understood by a three-year-old, but we still allow last words. Mainly because we’re not allowed to win ever so we have to fuck ourselves over.
“Yeah…” Lightning said “Everyone spread out…!” the others felt confused at first, but did as they were told. The minions were losing their patience and spread out to continue the fight.
Nora: This feels awfully familiar to splitting up. They’re just slightly closer now. How is this an improvement?
“What are you doing…?” asked Starla
“Just trust me!” Lightning said and then he ran back towards the minions.
Cornelia: So he can’t explain the plan that he came up with in three seconds? Again, we get that you can’t really explain a plan flat out, but you can hide it from the reader in a more clever way. Not just “Do what I say, no time to explain.” It’s an annoying cliche.
“What is he up to?” Krysta wondered aloud. Then they all noticed that Lightning was standing directly with minions all standing around him in a ring. “I give up!” he then said.
Ert: Wait, a ring? How did that happen? They spread out to mirror Lightning’s friends spreading out. How does that equal them standing in a ring?
“WHAT…?” everyone shouted.
“You’re right, we can’t beat you, but I don’t want any more trouble. Take me, but let my friends go.”
“Lightning… No!” cried Krysta.
“What are you doing?” called Dyno.
Nora: They do know that he’s up to something right? Or are they so dim that they think he asked them to spread out, just so that he could walk up and surrender? Wait what am I saying, they are that dim.
Dementia felt she was going to faint. “Somebody, pinch me.” She chuckled.
“You’re offering yourself to us…?” asked Rep-Stallion in disbelief.
Lightning nodded. “I’ll do anything you want as long as you let them go.”
Nora: Well ok. Here’s a tutu and a pair of high heels. Oh don’t look at me like that, you said anything. And we’re just getting started.
Mysterious thought it over for a moment, “Well… as tempting as that would sound, I’m afraid we must refuse.”
“That’s right!” growled Rep-Stallion “We swore we’d get rid of all of you, and that’s just what we’ll do.”
Ert: And the minions also don’t realize that Lighting is up to something. They’re not taking the deal, but only because of “I SHALL DESTROY YOU CAPTAIN PLANET!” and not logic. Dear Lord, is this chapter over yet?
Dementia nodded, “You destroyed our master, Titan, and now we’ll return the favor. Starting with you, Lightning Dawn…!”
Ert: I already made a Captain Planet joke, please refrain from saying the name of the person you’re speaking to.
The minions charged up ready to fire, and Lightning had no place to run. “And now… goodbye!”
Nora: TALK IS CHEAP! JUST DO IT ALREADY! Save any one liners that you have for when the person in question is dead! It works for Bond, isn’t that enough?
roared Mysterious as he and the other minions fired, that’s when Lightning spread out his wings and flew straight up, casing the minions to miss them and strike each other instead!
Ert: BOOOOO! BOOOOOOO! You shitting me? First of all, I still have no idea how the hell he managed to get them to surround him by just having his friends spread out. Second of all, THIS IS DUMB! Wouldn’t their attacks cancel each other out? Or collide and explode? Actually I don’t know because I don’t know the first thing about these attacks, other than their names. FAIL! YOU FUCKING FAIL!
Nora: I appreciate the idea that he wants his characters to win with clever tactics instead of raw pow- AHAHAHAHAHA – I’m sorry I couldn’t say that with a straight face. I get that he’s trying to bullshit us into thinking that brains matter more than raw power. That’s bullshit when the Uniforce acts as a Dues Ex Machina, but he’s trying to convince us otherwise. If that’s the case, couldn’t he come up with tactics that are less … infantile?
“Ha, ha…!” Lightning laughed from above, “It works!” and his friends caught on with his plan. “If we can’t beat them ourselves…” said Buddy Rose.
“Maybe… we can get them to beat each other!” said Artie.
Cornelia: Is this story seriously going to tell us that the minions are so stupid that they’re going to fall for the same trick multiple times? You don’t make your characters looks smart by making everyone else stupid by comparison.
The others agreed and the battle was on again.
Krysta fluttered round Rep-Stallion and near his face like a fly “Bet you can’t hit me here…” she teased. “Why you puny pixie!” growled Rep and he launched his “BOLT OF THUNDER…!” straight at Krysta, but she dodged it and the blast collided into Dementia, too late for her to raise her defense. “AAA-AAH…!”
Cornelia: Dear lord, it is. And why didn’t Dementia raise her defenses? If there’s one thing that’s been fairly consistent about this story, its that she can create pretty strong barriers. But she didn’t then. Why?
Ert: Because the only way Mykan can make his heroes look smart is to make everyone else utterly incompetent.
“Oh…!” cried Rep “Dementia… I… I!”
“Watch where you’re aiming?” she shouted at him.
“Hey it wasn’t my fault!”
While they bickered and quarrelled, Starla and Rhymey decided to launch an attack.
Nora: And the villains always fight. Because that’s endearing/isn’t annoying. No wait, it’s highly annoying because it just reminds me that everyone in this story has the emotional intelligence of a three-year-old. There’s no real reason for them to constantly fight. No clash of personality, no bad blood between them, no competition, they just do. Probably because if they were friends they might come off as sympathetic in some small way, and Mykan can only write villains that are the product of Satan. Satan Jr. in this regard, but still Satan.
The two minions were hit hard and went after Starla and Rhymey, but they stepped out of the way at the last minute causing Rep and Dementia to ram into Mysterious hard. “You fools!” growled Mysterious.
Ert: This old chestnut huh? Have the villain say “fool” a lot. I just hope it doest get to Franziska Von Karma levels of annoying.
Ert: Seriously, not a fan of her.
Another quarrel erupted, and Dyno and Myte saw their chance and launched their “BOOM-BOOM ROCKETS…!” and bombarded the minions hard. The glowing sphere also slipped out of Mysterious’ possession and Krysta managed to grab it and levitate it with her power.
Ert: Ok. Mykan. A list. A list of the things your characters can do. Can you provide one?
“Look what you two have done!” roared Mysterious.
“We…?” snapped Dementia
“What about you…?” growled Rep
They broke out into such a quarrel and even began to fight each other, weakening themselves even further.
Nora: See my earlier comment about them fighting.
Cornelia: Weaker? This isn’t a video game, Mykan. Their stats aren’t decreasing.
The gang realized this was the perfect chance for them to attack with all they had.
Ert: I guess. They were basically invincible before, but whatever. Mykan says his stupid-ass characters can win now. Fuck consistency.
“IT’s time to end this…!” Lightning growled “Once… and… FOR ALL…!”
Nora: Yeah … no. There are still more chapters left. You’re not fooling anyone, Mykan. So anyway, they all charge up their attacks which we’re skipping because its boring.
The minions tried to run, but were struck full force and screamed loudly.
They felt the magic around them starting to spark and flare off.
Ert: Does Mykan English? Does he even English?
They transformed back into their regular forms as, what appeared to be, the magic of their three knight forms rising into the sky, flare and sparkling wildly.
Ert: It … I … what? Magic does this? Ok, I think we’ve figured out the magic Mykan subscribes to. There’s the magic that does the supernatural … and then there’s “it’s magic, I don’t have to explain it.” Mykan does that. It’s magic, a wizard did it, I can do whatever the Hell I want to, fuck consistency.
They combined together in one big sphere and exploded in a great ball of fire! The gang jumped for joy and cheered with delight, while the minions could only grieve…
“Just like that…!”
“Our most powerful magic…”
“It’s all gone…!”
Nora: Dear Titan, your power-ups freaking suck. Bit of advice for next time. Make it so that they don’t explode.
Goeth: And if you really need to, make it so that it explodes in a manner that harms your enemy.
They really blew it this time, and felt it was finally officially that they had lost for good.
Ert: …Why? They can still make monsters. They’re not dead. I … oh fuck it, the chapter is almost over. Yes, the narration declared that they lost for good so they lost for good, whatever.
Nora: Curses! Defeated by our own incompetence!
“Master Titan…” Mysterious whispered under his breath, and he shut his eyes tight “We have failed you!”
The gang was still cheering, but then something caught their attention. A portal gateway had opened, and The Grand Ruler’s voice called out. “Lightning…! Are you there…?”
Nora: That was a really shitty fight. I go to all of the trouble of setting this up and then you phone it in like that? You’re an endless source of disappointment.
Cornelia: That’s got to be the only explanation for why he waited so long to open a portal here.
Lightning answered his master’s call. “Yes, we’re here.”
“Quickly everyone…” Grand Ruler said “Come through this gate. Hurry, it will not hold for much longer.”
Ert: Because reasons. He’s got an inter-dimensional portal orgy in his attic, but for some reason he can only keep this one open for a few seconds. Because plot convenience.
“Wait…!” snapped Lightning “We go… but we’re taking the minions with us. They’ve caused us enough trouble for one lifetime.”
“Hey!” cried Buddy Rose, “They’re gone!”
Sure enough, the minions were nowhere to be seen. They had slipped off to somewhere when everyone’s backs were turned. Still, there was no point in worry about that now.
Nora: No point in speaking English properly either.
Ert: Christ, story, make up your mind. Are the minions defeated or are they coming back? You can’t have it both ways. Either the narration flat out lied to us earlier, or them disappearing was pointless.
Once back in Unicornicopa, everyone settled down and relaxed to a warm and hearty meal in Grand Ruler’s palace, prepared by Cookie Dough.
Ert: Oh right, he exists.
Grand was very, very proud of everyone, not only for going beyond the call of duty
Cornelia: One, since when has it been ok to call him Grand? Two, that isn’t the call of duty. If the call of duty is to protect the realm, then defeating the recurring threat very much falls within the call of duty. Going beyond it requires something truly extreme, like throwing yourself on top of a grenade to save your comrades.
and seemingly put Titan’s minions out of commission,
Nora: Fucking hell, seemingly fits here.
but they had also found half of a rainbow stone.
Ert: Yeah I’ve been meaning to talk about that. So not only did Titan have power-ups for his minions, but a rainbow stone? Both of which he was just sitting on? Even if he only had half of one, why didn’t he use it?
The glowing sphere they had found in the castle was in fact a defensive shell of soft magic that kept half a rainbow stone, the green part, intact. This was what was supporting the evil powers that the minions had all this time.
Ert: Oh he did. Well … he was being halfway competent there. Only halfway though. He was using it, but he was using it poorly.
Nora: Also, MAN Titan is insecure about his heroes. He had to make it so that Titan was only as strong as he was because of the rainbow stone. What BS.
“But… how did it end up in Titan’s castle?” Lightning asked.
Even his master didn’t know the answer to that,
Nora: Probably just doesn’t want to admit that he fucked up.
but one thing was certain, it was now imperative they all continue to search from the remaining rainbow stones. Even with Titan’s minions out of action, there still other, more powerful evils still were lurking out there. “Our mission has not been fulfilled. Take good care, everyone, and never let your guard down.”
Cornelia: I doubt they’ll do that. They pretty much always get taken by surprise. Also there’s a scene where Lighting has a chance to confess to Starla but doesn’t. I really don’t get it, they’ve been dating for a while now. Does she not get that he has feelings for her? Or is there something about “play-dates” that I’m just not getting? Or are they just casually fucking?
Nora: All legitimate possibilities…
(In Grand Ruler’s Palace)
Grand Ruler: “Planning is something we all tend to do, but usually for what we expect. I’m very proud of everyone for working together and escaping unharmed, for they learned that there is always a weakness in the enemy, and always a way to get the job done.”
Nora: Always! Because in my insufferably saccharine world, nothing ever bad happens!
“But sometimes, even the best laid out plans can go wrong,
Ert: WHAT PLAN!? There wasn’t a fucking plan! What? “Split up?” Was that the plan? NOT MUCH OF A PLAN! Hardly qualified as being among “the best laid out plans.”
and can confuse and surprise you when you least expect it. Most of the time… we make plans to do things with each other, or plan to make or do something extraordinary, only to be obligated with other affairs and chores even duties that slip our minds, or just sneak from out of nowhere. Just remember, that there always might be a way to deal with something, even if it isn’t what you planned at first. Sometimes, what you didn’t plan may turn out to be something better than what you hoped for.”
Ert: Ok that paragraph was trying to cover fifteen different things. What was the point of it?
“See you all next time, and keep on believing!”
Ert: Right, fuck you too. Ugh. I can’t take another week of this … guys! We’re doing something else next week.
Cornelia: Gotcha. Can anyone forward us some one-shots? Baring that we’ll go back and see if The Final Hunt or Trapped have updated.