1382: Poison – Chapter SevenPosted: April 10, 2016
Topic: Snow White / Fairy Tale
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure
URL: Chapter Seven
Critiqued by Addicted Reader
Welcome back, dear Patrons, to our riff of “Poison,” a “Snow White” fanfic with so much potential and so little good writing.
Previously, Snow White’s mother had to pretend to die in childbirth and change her form because Witchy Sue. So now the Evil Queen Stepmother is really SW’s mother who was proud when the mirror named SW “fairest of them all.” The Queen then had a vision of SW being captured by an angry mob so she summoned a palace guard to lose SW in the woods. When he got her an unspecified distance into the woods, SW woke up and fried him with her laser gaze. Chapter Five left her running off scared and crying alone in the cold woods.
In Chapter Six, the guard, Ryan, easily got out of the woods and went to a tavern where other guards were drinking. One of them told a story of SW doing something witchy, which is apparently very terribly scary in this world, though it’s not really explained why. He gets the tavern patrons riled up into a mob and they run off to kill SW before she can slaughter them (because apparently that’s what they think witches do) while Ryan and the guard who did the inciting stay put.
And now, we continue!
Slowly Snow’s sobs stopped. She looked out into the pitch-black night and saw a light, like a glimmer of hope. She hauled herself to her feet and started running towards the light. When she saw the light all she could do was stare. It was coming from a small two-floored cottage complete with the large grey stone walls and a thatch roof. All sorts of flowers grew around it. Ruby and violet Hyacinths and marigolds grew on the ground and roses had grown up the left side, trailing on to the roof and beside the small chimney. The small glow of light came from outside in a little candle holder.
So she saw a light, she ran, then when she saw the light she could only stare.
“Ruby and violet hyacinths and marigolds …” Oh boy. In case you’ve forgotten, this author likes to describe things using gemstone/mineral colors (and not much else). But here, she’s using the color of one flower to describe another. I’m assuming the hyacinths (Why the random capitalization?) are “violet,” which is fair, their color ranges overlap. But that means the marigolds are “ruby.” While Google shows me images of red marigolds, that is not the usual color associated with marigolds. Plus, calling them “ruby” makes me think of flowers made out of rubies.
Coming closer to the door she found it was left ajar. She lightly pushed it open and stepped inside. She took the candle from outside and brought it in though still being unable to see she stared at the candles in the room and one by one they lit up. The house was a large chaos of mess. Plates had foul smelling foods that were rotting away in the sink, Cobwebs hung in every corner and dust covered every surface yet I didn’t seem abandoned.
WHAT IS IT WITH ENTERING OTHER PEOPLE’S HOUSES IN FAIRY TALES?!?!?!?
Sorry for the shouting. And I guess this isn’t the author’s fault. It’s all over in fairy tales. And I don’t get it. When does it ever end well in the short term? Would you want strangers traipsing through your house just because you forgot to close/lock the door that one time?
Ok, back to riffing the fic.
This author again has trouble with continuity from one sentence to the next. First she stepped inside, then she got the candle from outside – without actually going back outside – and brought it inside. ::headdesk::
So did she just light the candles by magic? Magic is still new to her. She should still be at least a little surprised at being able to do that. One laser-gaze-frying-in-extreme-terror does not a comfortable magic user make.
“Hello.” Snow shouted with no answer. “Hello.” No reply. No person could be out this late she thought and settled with the thought it was abandoned.
HOW LATE IS IT?!?!?!?!? We have no idea what time it is.
Useful indications of time which we did not get:
- What time SW fell asleep back wherever she was.
- How long Ryan the guard carried her into the woods.
- How long she ran before collapsing at the end of Chapter 5.
- How long she followed the light above.
Given that Ryan made it out of the woods and to the tavern while people were still there, drinking and at least somewhat coherent, it wasn’t that late when he left her. So if people are still out at the tavern, why assume that this cottage’s residents aren’t still out for a drink?
Also, there was a *candle* burning outside. The cottage’s owners couldn’t have been gone that long unless they left a pretty damn big candle. This isn’t like leaving a porch light on where we have zillion-hour lightbulbs and electricity that won’t get cut off for at least a few days. So SW is pretty dumb to assume this cottage is abandoned.
She sighed. She hated cleaning up by herself. It was a lot more fun when crow helped. All she would have to do is sing and crow would come and help. And seeing as the castle was noticeably understaffed it happened frequently.
Why is she cleaning a cottage she’s been in for 2 minutes? Especially if it’s “this late”?!? I understand wanting to get inside out of the cold, but she should just find the cleanest corner, clean herself enough space to sleep, and worry about other things in the morning.
I know in the Disney “Snow White” she starts cleaning as soon as she gets there, with the help of all the forest birdies, etc., but (1) it’s dumb when she does it and (2) it’s at least day time in the movie.
Also, that’s quite a throwaway way to fill in the background on her cleaning experience. At least the author tried, though, because otherwise a princess cleaning when not absolutely forced to would make even less sense.
Snow sighed again and hummed to herself and it soon became singing. She floated over to the filth infested sink and then her song stopped as she heard a scuttle behind her. She twisted around and saw woodland animals standing by her feet. There was a stag standing protectively near a doe who had something that resembled fear in her eyes. A dozen grey rabbits, a family of bronze squirrels, a couple of chipmunks and a flock assorted birds that were looking up cautiously which snow returned with a composed mask.
::sigh:: Poor writing is poor.
That’s a lot of animals to be standing right “by her feet.” Must be quite a pile-up. And I would definitely not be composed if a stag was standing right next to me. Those guys can get big.
And bronze squirrels? Were they carried in by the bigger animals?
“You called mistress.” The stag said in a low powerful declaration. He seemed to be the leader of these creatures.
For those who forgot, SW chatted with a crow way back in Chapter 2, so this isn’t completely out of the blue.
And is the stag saying that he’s her mistress? Or that their mistress is on her way? That’s the best I can do from the lack of comma in his statement.
“How did I call you?” Snow asked confusion in her voice appearing blatant.
“her voice appearing blatant”
So much poor word choice in so few words! I’m not even sure what “blatant” is a poor choice for!!
“The witches’ song, it calls to us.” One of the smaller rabbits replied snows head drifted down to the voice and noticed the squirrel had an oddly shaped nose and uniquely shaped marking on its back
And now the author has given up on punctuation altogether.
Is SW looking at the animal that spoke? Because it says a rabbit spoke which might explain why it looked odd for a squirrel. And are we going to get any further description of the “uniquely shaped marking”? Of course not.
“What did you need help with?” the doe said with an outburst of courage she instantly regretted.
Why did she regret it? There’s been no reaction yet.
“I guess I need help cleaning the house.” As soon as the words left her lips the animals raced around the house doing the work quickly the princess found it hard to keep up. Before it was too late the house was spotless, the animals departed and Snow white crept up the stairs taking a candle in her hand.
“Before it was too late”? I thought it was already “this late”!!! AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T TOLD US WHAT TIME IT IS!
If she’s already decided the house is abandoned, why is she creeping? And anyway, if anyone was home, they surely would have noticed the invasion of cleaning animals. This makes no sense.
There were of two rooms upstairs, one being a bathroom had reached every requirement anyone would need and it was fully stocked. The other room was a bedroom that had seven child size wooden beds side by side across a wall.
“a bathroom had reached every requirement”
This just isn’t English any more.
On each of the beds held an engraving where most would have a name but on there seemed to be but words. Snow white read the beds in order.
My previous point stands.
“Doc, Sleepy, Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy and Dopey.. How strange.” Snow yawned and stretched her arms out. The desire to sleep overcame the young princess. She lay across the beds taking up five of them and three of the patchwork, silken quilts.
And next plot point has been reached. Good, I can leave now.
See you next time!