1383: Tensei II – ProloguePosted: April 11, 2016
Title: Tensei II
Author: The KittyCorn Nation (two-author conglomerate known as Monochrome Lynx and Seven Silver)
Genre: Adventure / Friendship
One Prologue Critiqued by Lyle
Good morning, lovelies, and happy Monday!
Now, normally when I pick a new fic to review, I dig through the slush pile of older uploads. Today, I’m doing something different: I’m working on a current fic. So current that, as of when I wrote this, the second chapter was 17 minutes old. Welcome, dearest patrons, to “Tensei II.” I’m going to add it to my ff.net alerts and riff it as chapters become available.
Before we begin, let’s look at the reason I picked this one. I present the summary:
Two young woman. Two young woman flying to London for a school event, falling, panicking—dead before they hit the water. Two young woman, born again. [duel self-insert; written by Monochrome Lynx and Annonymous7S]
That’s right, folks. It is a DOUBLE self-insert Naruto fanfic. With typos in the summary, none the less. This reeks of pretension and we haven’t even opened the story yet. Let’s get to it!
Chapter 1: Prologue: Death
So chapter one is really a prologue, but they’ve still named the prologue with a chapter name even though prologues are not traditionally named, even if the chapters are. Man, this is already looking fantastic.
Monochrome Lynx: (to audience) Hella and welcome to Tensei II, and we’re your hosts! My name is Monochrome Lynx, and this here is Seven Silver! …That sounds so cliché.
*facepalm* Now, I don’t harp too much on author’s notes as I use them myself, but if you’re writing an author’s note you’re obviously addressing the readers! You don’t have to mention that you’re doing that.
Also, “hella” is not a greeting. It has never been a greeting. It’s slang for “hell of a lot.”
Seven Silver: Yup. Sorry to break it to yah, Lynx
ML: (sighs) Oh well. Shall we let the readers move on to the story?
Dear god, yes, please do. This is adding nothing to my experience except a growing sense of contempt for you.
7S: I promise you, this story isn’t as cliché as this pre-story script—and yes, let the readers go on!
Pre-story script. That’s what you’re going to go with? It’s an author’s note, you dingbat.
ML: On with the story!
Spaced-out dots. That’s what we’re using for scene transition? *rubs temples* Koori! I need tea!
Koori: *poofs in with a swirl of leaves and sets a tea pot on Lyle’s desk* Oh, a Naruto fic! Would you like me to stay and help?
Next time. This chapter is about how our two author inserts get to Naruto-land from the “real world.” There won’t be anything vaguely Naruto-y until the next chapter.
Koori: Understood. I will get back to my game of Go with Ishi-sensei, then. I’m behind 246 wins to his 263. I’m closing the gap, though.
Koori: It is all strategy; luck has nothing to do with it. But I appreciate the sentiment. *poofs out, leaving leaves all over the office*
…Damnit. I forgot to tell her to clean this up first. Oh well.
Two young women.
Both alike in dignity, in fair Verona where we lay our scene. No? Okay.
Two young women flying to London.
Okay. Got it.
Two young women flying to London for a school event.
Does anyone else feel like they’re reading a Dick and Jane book?
See Dick run. Run, Dick, run. Dick runs after the ball.
See Jane run. Run, Jane, run. See Jane slide-tackle Dick and get red-carded out of the game for calling the ref a pansy-ass cunt for yellow-carding her.
Two young woman flying to London for a school event, falling, panicking—dead before they hit the water.
Well, that escalated quickly.
Two young women, born again.
Right. So, since we read the summary, we’ve already seen this and know what’s going to happen. Let me give you a little suggestion, authors: telling us your MCs are going to die and then writing the chapter in which they die, completely ruins any sort of suspense your audience will feel when your MCs are faced with this death-scene. It makes your reader feel less than concerned and rather blasé about the whole thing. This is not what you want your readers to feel. You’ve essentially made whatever comes next boring because, hey, I already know they’re going to die. Ho hum. Whatever.
*twitch* It’s called an <hr> tag. Learn it. Use it. Love it.
It started like so:
Fuck me sideways with a spoon. You’re going to open it like that? The pretension! It burns us, precious.
Alice Grey, freshmen in an American high school somewhere in Texas, stared out the window in wonder. Having never been on a plane before, she wanted to drink in the scenery of flying above the clouds. She’d been doing so for the last hour.
Alice Grey is very easily amused if staring at the tops of clouds can hold her attention for a whole fucking hour.
The only thing less exciting than this:
Even my toddler gets bored staring out the plane window after about ten minutes.
Then there was Elleina Tamayo, another freshman in an American high school. She stared out the window with familiarity, having already boarded planes several times before.
*tilts head sideways* Elly-ena. Ellayna. Elleena. El-lie-na… oh fuck it. Eggplant here has boarded planes before, but it doesn’t say she’s actually flown before. There’s a huge difference between getting crammed into the cabin and actually getting to go somewhere.
So, we have two high school freshmen that are obviously our Inserts. This brings up something I’d like to point out. The average age of a high school freshman is 15. Despite what your wangsty teenaged brains think, you’re not young women. You’re children. You can’t even legally drive yet. You typically have about at much common sense as a toaster strudel when it comes to real life. No. You are not young women. You are girls. I don’t care if the biological definition of adult female is someone who menstruates, you won’t be a young woman until you’re old enough to apply for your own apartment.
That aside, we have no other description of these girls. I’m guessing, just based on general knowledge, that Alice is probably your typical girl of American breeding. She’s got a pretty bland name, no real clues. She could be of any skin color, hair color, and eye color. Currently, she looks like a formless blob staring out a window. Much like a failed Jell-O mold.
Elephant Ear, on the other hand, is probably of Hispanic descent with a last name like Tamayo. This is actually the last name of a guy I work with who is Hispanic. However, considering this is a Naruto fic, I’m guessing she might have been trying to come up with a Japanese surname. If that’s the case, fail. In Japanese, Tamayo means “Bracelet” and is a very uncommon girl’s first name.
It wasn’t at all new to her and she soon grew exasperated with gazing at clouds outside their tiny window.
Why do I get the feeling I’m going to need an “Audience Is Not Stupid” counter? We inferred from your previous comment about her being on planes before that this isn’t new to her. You don’t need to cram it down our throats. We are smarter than your average pet rock.
It reminded her of the many times she moved in and out of countries against her will—helplessly watching as she’s torn away from a life she had just gotten used to.
You’ve moved from country to country your entire life? What the fuck do your parents do for a living? Evade extradition? Do you know how much work it is to move countries?! You can’t just go wherever you want. You have to have work visas and there’s a shit ton of paperwork, and waiting periods, before you can just move to a new country.
Elleina frowned, turning away from the window. She slept the trip away, not knowing what else to do otherwise.
It’s called a “book.” They’re great for passing time. The flight from Texas to England takes about 9 hours. In theory, you could sleep the entire time. However, it’s implied to be daytime since Alice is able to see the clouds below the plane. Sleeping for 9 hours in the middle of the day is a bad idea, especially since you’re already going to be jetlaggy as fuck when you land in England.
Alice looked over to her friend as she slept. She gave a tiny smirk when she remembered her other friends’ jealousy.
It’s fine this time, Cerbs. Silently gloating about how her other friends couldn’t come is smirk-worthy, and now we have Alice’s second personality trait. Not only is she easily amused, she’s a douchebag who delights in the misfortune of others.
She had barely met the requirements for the drawing that chosen the lucky students, and somehow, she’d made it.
And those requirements would be … what? No? Not going to tell us?
And yay for that! She’d needed it, too. Her latest story had been rotting for five months, and even though she’d played through the game three times since, she was still stuck on the… what chapter was it?
What the fuck are you talking about? How does a rotting story relate to playing a game with chapters in it? Context! Background! If you’re going to barf exposition at us, at least tell us what you’re talking about!
She pulled her glorified tablet and pulled up a the internet. Dear god, it was really bad when she forgot what chapter she was on!
A second before she could open the page, the ‘bloop’ of Skype grabbed her attention away. Alice snorted at the chat. After adding in her thoughts, she was bombarded by messages from her friends. They had all entered the drawing. No one other than Elleina had won—well, none other than the other students—
Have neither of you actually been on a motherfucking airplane before?! The stupidity of this hurts. And you’ve made me get the chalkboard. That, authors, is a very bad thing.
*wheels it out and grabs the chalk*
1.) A limited number of airlines offer WiFi. About 40% in the United States for domestic flights. Even fewer offer it for international flights, and most of the ones that do are European airlines flying around Europe.
2.) You’re lucky to get 3G up in the air because you’re a very fucking long way from the ground, where the towers are located. This will not allow you to use MOTHERFUCKING SKYPE. You might be able to use Twitter, if you’re patient.
3.) Not only are you fighting horrible WiFi speeds, but FAA regulations state that you cannot make voice calls of any sort, using any media, while in the air. I’m pretty sure that Skype falls under that category, even if you’re using the text messaging service, because it’s a VoIP program. Plus, other passengers find it annoying to listen in on someone’s loud conversation so the airline would block Skype anyway to keep the guy behind you from smothering you with an airline pillow.
4.) You’re flying to London. You do realize that London is across the Pond, right? And by the Pond, I mean the fucking Atlantic Ocean. The reason few airlines bother offering WiFi on that kind of trip is because you can’t get internet over the motherfucking ocean. There are no towers in the middle of the fucking ocean.
I’m going to ignore the nonsensical word-vomit that is the second half of that paragraph. Let’s just move on.
The plane shook. Turbulence, most likely, but that didn’t to help calm the erratic terror that rose in her mind.
DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT THE WORD TURBULENCE MEANS?! Oh my god, seriously? The plane is shaking. That very action is the definition of motherfucking turbulence! It isn’t “most likely.” It just fucking IS. Turbulence is what happens when.the.plane.shakes. The thing Alice should be concerned with is not whether or not it is turbulence, but what is causing the turbulence.
In her mind’s eye, smoke trailed from the right wing and out into the night sky…
But it was real!
The night sky. Nighttime. You can see the smoke. And you could see the clouds. At night.
I wanted to put a picture here to illustrate how stupid that was but was unable to because no one takes pictures of the clouds outside an airplane at night. And why is that? Because you can’t fucking see them. So Alice was staring outside at the darkness for an hour, unable to actually see what was happening.
You know what else you won’t be able to see outside your airplane at nighttime? Smoke.
Elleina jolted awake, turning turned to Alice and giving her a questioning glance. However, she only saw Alice string out of the window, eyes wide in horror. Curious, she peered outside the window and her own eyes widened.
And then, sudden perspective shift! *grabs for a HurfCo bag* BLARFLEFARLFGARB!
“What’s happening?” She shouted, alarmed.
“I-I don’t know…” Alice’s voice shook. Fear gripped her heart, thousands of times worse than looking down on the Titan at Six Flags. Someone (another student? another passenger?) screamed behind them, and then—
This seems pretty extreme for experiencing a bit of turbulence. If there’s more than just some mild shaking going on, you need to show it. Regular turbulence can get pretty extreme but you don’t usually have passengers losing their shit over it. And I should know. I’ve been flying extensively since I was a baby. When I was 19, I was on 9 flights in 4 weeks, two of them 16 hour jaunts. There’s been times when the plane has dropped from the sky, straight down, before it hit the bottom of the pressure pocket. It’s shaken so hard I had to grab the flight attendants’ cart to keep it from rattling off down the aisle because it hit so fast they didn’t have warning to put up the drink service. I’ve been in planes shaking hard enough you’d think they were tap dancing with Danny fucking Kaye. No one screamed.
Also, why hasn’t the pilot or one of the flight attendants come on and announced the issue? Usually, there is going to be some sort of announcement following turbulence. This is to keep everyone calm. And if they’re going to crash, they will fucking tell the passengers to be prepared for that. Being in a plane that crashes isn’t a surprise; you have warning.
The wing exploded, a burst of heat overwhelmed passengers. Loud screams and shouts could be heard, and little children cried in terror.
A burst of heat overwhelmed the passengers from an exploding … wing …
Please, authors. Please, please, please. Do some fucking research before you put words onto paper. You can’t just bullshit your way through this kind of thing.
“Dur dur, we haz to dye. Hows we dye?”
“Ohkay! Howz playn krash den?”
“Wing go splody!”
“Ohkay!” *type type type*
Because, frankly, this is what I think when I read that your wing randomly exploded to the point where you’d feel the heat. Because that is stupid. There is nothing in the wing that could explode, unless someone taped a bomb to it. An engine might go boom, but that would not cause enough heat for you to feel through the fucking fuselage of the plane. Those things are super insulated. If they weren’t, you would freeze to death from the low temperatures of the altitude at which the plane must travel. Even if the explosion tore a hole in the side of the fuselage, you wouldn’t feel heat. It’s just too bloody cold. You’d feel the sudden rush of wind as the pressurized inside of the cabin equalized with the lower pressure outside.
From beside Elleina, the window burst open, sending glass shards in every which way.
That’s it. This makes it official. You seriously have a lower IQ than a cheese sandwich.
*takes a deep breath*
AIRPLANES DON’T USE GLASS FOR THEIR WINDOWS!
Airplane windows are made from lexan polycarbonate. It’s plexiglass, you TwatMcMuffins. It isn’t actually glass. It’s fucking plastic.
She screamed as she saw Alice’s head whip back, a shard sticking out of her forehead like a unicorn’s horn, eyes still wide. But before she could do anything else, her scream was suddenly silenced by another—larger—explosion, and… was dead in milliseconds.
The likelihood that the unrealistically glass window would have thrown a shard into the forehead of a passenger during such violent turbulence is less than the chance of you finding the Loch Ness Monster singing Christmas carols in July … while tap dancing with Danny fucking Kaye.
Oh, thank god. I haven’t been this happy to see the end of a chapter since we finished “Everybody Likes Chocolate.”
7S: How’d you like it? Well, I mean we died. That’s something… right?
It was incredibly stupid. And we already knew you were dying so it lost all meaning seeing it happen.
ML: I died a unicorn. YAY! And yeah. So (to reader) if you haven’t guessed, this is a double self insert staring the personas of yours truly and 7S.
Okay, that does it.
*grabs the box of spare parts and tinkers around for a moment before setting a counter on the desk*
Your Readers Are Not Stupid: 2
7S: I know, genius.
ML: I honestly can’t tell if you’re using sarcasm or calling the idea genius… ^ ^”
I’d make a “The Authors are Stupid” counter but it would break from overuse.
7S: hehehehe… No one knows how my mind works. I’m a genius.
ML: But who’s the (SPOILER) here?
Please stop talking. You’re killing my brain cells.
7S: AAAAHHHH MY EYES! I CAN NEVER UNSEE WHAT I JUST SAW! MAYDAY MAYDAY (runs around the room)
ML: What the f*k?
7S: MY POOR SPOILED EYES TT. TT
ML: (to audience, because I like to talk to you) Well, while my partner here is acting like a plane [the pun], I’m going to say the traditional “REVEIW!” and wave good-bye as we fade into a Lee-Gai-sensei-induced sunset…
ML: …and RIP 7S’s eyes while you’re at it
(a scene of Lee and Gai-sensei hugging appears along with the sunset-of-eye-burning-and-biju-terrifying-youthfulness)
I am simply appalled by what I’ve just read. I don’t mind author’s notes if they actually add something to the story (like a content warning or pertinent information that doesn’t spoil the story) but this random word-seizure these two morons are partaking in? It’s pointless clutter. Do yourselves a favor and knock that shit off. It isn’t cute. It’s annoying as fuck.
With that, I’ll see you all next week! To wash the taste of these idiots from your mouth, here’s a parting gift: Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney tap dancing with (you guessed it) Danny fucking Kaye. Ta!