1291: My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing – Prologue and Chapter 1

Title: My Little Unicorn:  Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Intro, Chapter 1
Critiqued by Erttheking

Shepard: Dakari-King Mykan? What? So I’m guessing he’s Mykan, King of the Dakari?

Ert: Ugh. Long story.

Seiko: So, I know about his crappy fanfiction, but who’s Mykan?

Ert: Long story short, he’s a man-child of the same breed as Chris-chan. Mykan is, from what I can gather, someone with no social skills and an overinflated ego who takes fictional pairings WAY too freaking seriously. As in if his OTP doesn’t come true, he tends to write the main character being a whiny twat about it, often having them killing people as a result because MUH PEIIIIIIIIIIN! Apparently the name came from when he declared himself King of the Dakari when Davis and Kari didn’t get together in Digimon or something and he got into a flame war that he talks about the same way Paton probably talked about how he fought Rommel.

Ert: There’s also the thing where he apparently writes racist, sexist and homophobic things (because of course). He might have this weird little problem where he apparently read the Code of the Sith when it was being translated from one language to another by an underpaid and drunk intern. See while the code of the Sith goes

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.

Ert: Mykan says things like “My happiness comes from HATE and POWER… not LOVE and COMPASSION.”

Seiko: Quite the little Edgelord we have here.

Ert: No kidding. The Code of the Sith is essentially breaking free of stagnation and changing your future with your own two hands. Mykan seems his damnedest to be trying to be a Sith Lord, except he comes off as a five-year-old running around in an oversized Darth Vader costume, screaming that he’s going to fuck everyone up even as he trips over the cape.

Shepard: Well that image is in my head now.

Ert: There’s enough on this guy to fill a book, so let’s cut to the chase and say that after he was done screaming about how the pairings he liked didn’t end up together in Digimon and Teen Titans, he decided to try his literary genius at My Little Pony. He keeps writing this weird series that crosses them over with Star Trek, but let’s focus on his original MLP outing, My Little Unicorn. He actually took it off of fan fiction.net in a tantrum because everyone pointed out what a giant pile of poo it was and had someone else post it on fim.net in the hopes of a more friendly audience. It has 95% dislikes, I’ll let you guess how that turned out.

Seiko: Does he stuff Fluttershy into the fridge?

Ert: Thankfully I don’t think she’s even in this story.  Because apparently it’s an AU

Author’s notes:

FIM is a BIG MISTAKE to me… its horrible… so I guess an alternate universe is in order!

Ert: Oh yeah, apparently he thinks he can write professionally for the Friendship is Magic Show

Shepard: Is there a word for this level of delusion?

PROLOGUE/INTRO

(Deep voice…)

Far off in a distant dimension is the magical kingdom of Unicornicopia

Shepard: That pun doesn’t make any sense. My Little Pony likes pony puns turned into locations, like Canterlot and Manehattan and the Kingdom of Equestria. Cornucopia means that there’s a lot of something. It isn’t a location and it doesn’t have anything to do with horses, so turning it into a pun for a location doesn’t work

—home to many winged unicorns of different sizes and colors. All were under the watchful eye of their grand ruler; the legendary tri-horned alicorn, and he was known as that because, unlike any other unicorn, he had three horns instead of one.

Ert: This just in! Breaking news! Tri-horned = three horns.

All, of which, were golden.

Shepard: And since gold weighs quite a bit, he must have unbearable neck pains. Or be dead, one or the other. And you can grow gold.

It was the grand ruler’s solemn duty to protect his kingdom, maintain the balances of all nature, and look after the young unicorns.

Seiko: Wait, he said winged unicorns, which are basically alicorns. So is he ignoring all of them in favor of just unicorns? Ass-hat.

Each and every unicorn, though gifted with certain forms of magic and power, did not always rely so heavily on magic to solve all their problems and get through life, for they knew that the real magic came from the magic of believing!

Ert:…In? Believing in? Mykan is in such a hurry to show up FIM (Yeah he basically says believing is more powerful than friendship because IT MINE IDEA.) he forgets to have it make sense. In order to believe you need something to believe in. Ideals Religion. The hope that things will get better. But judging from this, “believing” is just going to be a word they spout off when conflict resolution time rolls around.

But then, evil forces to attack the kingdom,

led by a powerful and evil sorcerer from another dimension who sought to obtain all the magic he could find, and rule all worlds and all dimensions with darkness and chaos.

Seiko: Is magic just something that can be taken from someone?

Seiko: Oh yeah. Well this was only written during the first season, so he wasn’t a thing yet, neither what he could do. In other words, Generic McGeneric does evil because evil.

The unicorns tried to reason with him but the sorcerer merely scoffed at their friendly ways, and talk of believing,

Shepard: Because villains need to look down on the views the author is poorly trying to hammer in for the inevitable turnabout.

and unleashed his dark magic, threatening the entire kingdom with chaos and destruction.

Seiko: Chaos and destruction? What happened to darkness and chaos? Did the darkness want a pay raise and get fired?

The unicorns band together, but proved to be no match for the magic that threatened their world, but when all hope seemed lost, The Grand Ruler leapt into action to defend his kingdom and subjects, and using the power of his golden horn, he unleashed the mighty magic of the uniforce…! The sorcerer was overpowered and conquered!

Ert: Well FUCK believing then. The real magic was the power of your leader’s horn (of which he only has one now).

Despite calls for his death, The Grand Ruler, whom many feared too kind, merely banished the fallen sorcerer to the Dimension of Darkness as fitting punishment for his treachery.

Ert: Wasn’t this guy already FROM a different dimension? And isn’t sending someone who uses darkness (sometimes) to a dimension of darkness like sending an ice sorcerer to a prison made out of ice?

The sorcerer vowed to one day return to finish what started, and all that existed would belong to him.

In time, the events and the threat were forgotten, and peace returned to Unicornicopia where the unicorns continued to live their lives through the magic of believing.

Shepard: Even though it proved to be utterly ineffectual when it came to defending your borders. Maybe work on that tangible magic a bit more. Hell, even in Friendship is Magic they had friendship power actual magical artifacts.

A small white unicorn, with a brown short mane, and a marking “AO0C” on his chest armor finished the story. His companion, a small fairy with long blonde hair, and wearing a pink skirt felt puzzled. “So it really does exist, Lightning…?” she asked.

Ert: I swear to god, POWER RANGERS did this at one point. Backstory via actual story.

“It sure does, Krysta.” responded Lightning “But I don’t know why The Grand Ruler told me to come here, or why he wants me to be his apprentice. He knows I can’t do magic just like other unicorns.”

Seiko: Hm, I need an apprentice. I know, I’ll pick someone who’s ACTIVELY WORSE than everyone else at one of the most basic aspects of our lives. I know it’s My Little Pony but can we still make a joke about a horse being appointed to court?

It was true! Though Lightning Dawn was indeed a unicorn, for some reason he just couldn’t seem to perform magic like any other could. The only thing unusual about him was he had a golden horn, but he still didn’t understand.

Shepard: The only thing unusually about him was the fact that he had something in common with the Grand Ruler hm? The Grand Ruler picked a rather dim witted apprentice.

Still, he and Krysta had only just arrived in Unicornicopia the other day, and had just settled into Lightning’s new tower-house, in a part of the Kingdom called White Village, and he was instructed by his master, The Grand Ruler…

Ert: Tower houses were mainly used for strategic defenses, and as homes for aristocrats. Somehow I doubt that Mykan knew that, he doesn’t strike me as the person with the patience to use Google, but it fits the Stu alarms that are going off for his character. Speaking of which, apprentice to Grand Ruler, golden horn, special house.

(Gary Stu Counter: 3)

“Once you arrive, you should go out and meet your newfound future friends and comrades. They have already been told of your coming and are anxious to meet you, and may very well help you, but no matter where you go, Lightning, and no matter what you do… always remember to believe.”

Seiko: Wait a second. Apprentice to the ruler of the land arriving at a new town and being told to go out and make new friends. Mykan is a little stupid in his childish declarations of hate isn’t he. He’s doing the exact same thing as the first episode of FIM. Not!Twilight even has a little companion of a different species.

Lightning could hardly understand what all this “Believing” was supposed to mean either. “Well we won’t know just sitting around here.” said Krsyta. “We should get going.”

Lightning smiled and agreed, and as he spread his wings for takeoff, “Hey, Krsyta…? Thanks, you know… for always hanging with me and stuff.”

Ert: Dis how we establish relationship. It real deep.

The little fairy smiled and pecked Lightning on the cheek. “Lightning, if anyone should be thankful, it’s me.” She meant that, for a very good reason, but now was not the time to be thinking of that as Krysta sat on Lightning’s head and Lightning took off over the lands of his new home.

Ert: Well that’s the end of the prologue and-OH GOD THERE’S A SONG! NO! NO! WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW OR EVER! Skipping onto the first chapter

MY LITTLE UNICORN

Author’s notes:

I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE!

Things are going to be different around here.

Seiko: Except the parts where you blatantly steal.

There were many different places in Unicornicopia; most were named after their colors.

Bluesville… Greenland… Orange-Range… but the central and largest area was called Rainbow City Central, where most Unicorns went to have fun, or do their duties. Lightning could see them all down below, the anthropomorphic unicorns having fun, going to work, or some just flying around.

Ert: Named after colors? That sounds like it would get really confusing and frustrating really fast. Especially considering that there are only so many colors, and it doesn’t sound like they get really specific in terms of using shades. Also, blown away by the creativity.

“I should find someplace to land.” said Lightning “Not around here. It’s too crowded.” said Krysta. With that, they both decided to fly around and look for someplace soft. There was a nice vacant area near a large garden with vegetables and beautiful flowers and plants. The perfect place to land…!

Seiko: Ellipses followed by an exclamation point? Wow. I didn’t even know exclamatory pauses were a thing.

“Wow!” exclaimed Lightning as he gazed at the lovely flowers. “Double wow!” added Krysta as she hovered around sniffing the many sensational smells. “Mmm…!” But then her nose began to twitch, “Ah… Ah… Ah-Ah…!”

“Krysta…?” cried Lightning “Krysta, No!” but Krysta had already sneezed “AH-CHOO…!” and even though she was just a little fairy, that single sneeze caused the flower she sniffed to keel over and lose all its petals. “Oh! Oh my!” cried Krysta.

Shepard: Is covering your nose an alien concept to fairies? I mean it’s a pretty basic concept. No one likes snot all over the place. And if they did they wouldn’t be saying “oh, oh my,” after sneezing.

That’s when a red unicorn came dashing over. “Oh, no…! Not again?” he groaned as he gently began to scoop the fallen flower into a pot. Krysta apologized but the red unicorn said it wasn’t her fault. “They always keel over when they make someone sneeze. I can fix it, no problem. There’s no finer gardener than me.”

Lightning was amazed. “You mean, you grew all this?” he asked.

Ert: O! M! G! You mean someone GREW everything in a GARDEN!? My world has been turned upside down. Also, fix it? How you aren’t planning on just glueing the petals back on

The other unicorn nodded. “My name’s Buddy Rose. Code-Number: FT5H.

Seiko: Oh, so that thing on Lightning’s armor was a code. We ignored it because we thought it was gibberish trying to be a symbol. It’s still gibberish, just in a different way. Also how can you say it’s a code number when it’s four symbols and only one of them is actually a number.

Shepard: Code-Number? Well this just all got kinda creepy.

I’m the caretaker of the community garden. I can handle any flower, tree, weed- anything that grows.” and in no time at all, the flower Krysta had ruined was standing upright again, and Buddy didn’t seem to use any form of magic but rather ordinary gardening.

Ert: Yeah no. I would’ve bought it if he had used some kind of magic, but ordinary gardening, yeah no. I’m guessing Mykan was never told that flowers are kinda fragile and don’t take to being torn apart very well.

“Hmm!” remarked Lightning. “That’s amazing. Oh by the way… I’m…”

“Lightning Dawn…? I know.” said Buddy. “The Grand Ruler told everyone to expect you.”

“Uh… yeah… he did.” said Lightning.

Shepard: So he just announces to everyone who his apprentice is, what he looks like and when he’s coming? If you’re going with that kind of approach, wouldn’t a formal procession to let him into the city make more sense? I mean apparently this is supposed to be a big deal. But no, it comes off as just the author wanting to let everyone know who Lightning is.

(Gary Stu Counter: 4)

Buddy hated to dash off but he had a few other vegetables to take care of. “Oh I’m sorry to impose, but could you do me a really big favor?” he asked while giving Lightning a small basket of vegetables. “Ugh…!”

“Could you take these to the Rainbow Dish Inn, when you go through town? Please?” and before Lightning could answer, Buddy had gone off, “Thank you!” he called back.

Ert: OH COME ON! You say we should forget everything about FIM and then you introduce an Inn that’s ONE LETTER AWAY from the name of one of the Mane Six? When do we get to the Pinkie Pig farm? Also the earlier prediction about colors is proven true, we’re already recycling colors in names.

“Perfect!” Lightning scoffed.

“Well… that went well.” joked Krysta.

It was a good thing that Unicornicopians were anthropomorphic, meaning Lightning could just stand upright and walk on his hind legs while using his front legs like arms to carry the basket. “Oh! This is heavy…!” he groaned.

Shepard: Ok, first they’re called unicorns even though they have the bodies of alicorns, but now they’re “Unicornicopians” and they get special biology? Also, I don’t think the author knows what anthropomorphic means. It means to have a human form. Not something with four legs that can stand up and walk on its hind legs when it feels like it. So these things aren’t really unicorns. They’re winged humans with horns sticking out of their heads.

Ert: Wait a minute.

Ert: God in heaven I wish.

Krysta wished she could help. Though she was small, some of her fairy magic allowed her to lift objects hundreds of times her own weight, but the basket was much too big and heavy for her.

Shepard: The basket filled with whatever is too much for her? Either it’s ridiculously heavy or she can’t really lift anything. I mean what if she only weighs one milligram?

“Why don’t you sit and rest?” she suggested. “Good idea!” Lightning panted and slumped down on a bench, almost dropping the basket. “Oh! My poor hooves..!” It was times like this Lightning hated the fact he couldn’t do magic.

Suddenly he heard someone say, “Excuse me…?” The voice belonged to an orange unicorn, wearing a red artist’s hat, just up ahead who was painting on a canvas. “…you kind of walked into the way of the scenery.”

Seiko: Then go paint somewhere that people aren’t expected to sit down. This is like using the sidewalk as a canvas and getting upset when people walk on it.

Ert: Also artist hat. I Googled artist hat and this was one of the results, so as far as I’m concerned he was wearing this.

“Ugh!” groaned Lightning, but then the other unicorn caught the sight of Krysta. “Is that a…fairy?” His eyes lit up like the sun. “Hold still, please!” he said with excitement. Krysta felt confused, but did as she was told, and in almost no time the artist showed her and Lightning his painting. “I shall call it… Fairy in the park.”

Seiko: Forget everything about FIM as I have someone become interested in the main character through their companion. Not ripping off Fluttershy at all!

Krysta thought it was incredible. It looked so real and she seemed so beautiful in the picture, much to Lighting’s dismay that “I notice I’m not in there.” he said to himself.

The unicorn introduced himself as Artie. Code-number: HV7J. He loved to pain, draw, and sculpt. “You should come to my art gallery sometime, both of you.”

Ert: This is the second time the author has summarized a character describing themselves instead of letting them do it. I guess he’s in a hurry to introduce the rest of his knock-off Mane Six.

Krysta’s eyes lit up, “We’d love to.” She said.

“Yes… but we have an errand to.” Lightning quickly said as he scooped Krysta in his right wing.

Shepard: Finish your sentences Lightning. You need another verb there. Ironically it would’ve been a full sentence if he had just dropped the to.

“Let’s go, Krysta!” and he ran off with the basket of vegetables,

Ert: Oh so THAT’S what it was. Took ya long enough Mykan. What, is establishing stuff like that not fill in with your code of hate?

much to Artie’s confusion, but he couldn’t wait to tell all his viewers that he had just seen and painted a real-live fairy.

Krysta thought that was rude of Lightning. But Lightning thought Artie was a little too eccentric, especially how the way he acted as if he had never seen a fairy before, but that was pretty much the case as Krysta was the only fairy in the entire dimension, but that wasn’t important now.

Seiko: So apparently we can just see into everyone’s heads. A style that can technically be done, but we just don’t really like it as a concept. Half of the drama that can come from written fiction is not knowing everything that’s going on in everyone’s head, and getting updated on the spot feels clunky. But in fairness to people who do like that, this is a pathetically sloppy example that’s basically Mykan summarizing everything because he had to go back into the trenches to fight for his OTP and he didn’t have time to care.

Right now they were exiting the park and could see the city up ahead, but what Lightning couldn’t see, as the basket was blocking his view, was a yellow unicorn right out in front of him.

Shepard: They’re not in the city proper? Lightning was over city freaking central! How far did he look for a place to park? Also he seems to be holding the basket right in front of his face.

CRASH! The vegetables were everywhere. Lightning felt the whole world spinning. “What hit me?” he groaned.

He got up and the yellow unicorn apologized.

“I’m very sorry to have knocked you down.

I was in hurry to get into town.”

Ert: FIM was a mistake! Now excuse me as a copy Zecora. New theory Mykan knows he can’t write for shit and is trying to copy FIM. He then throws in his own brand of bullshit to convince himself he’s being original.

Lightning apologized too, as she should have watched where he was going.

Seiko: SHE!? When did this happen?

He and Krysta, along with the other unicorn picked up the vegetables and putting them back in the basket…

“I’ll help you as part of my task.” said the unicorn “Say! Are you Lightning Dawn, may I ask?”

Ert: Yes I am peasant! You may bask in my gory.

“Uh… yes… I am….” answered Lightning “And this is Krysta.”

“Um… do you always speak like that?” asked Krysta.

The unicorn chuckled…

“If you mean if I always speak in rhyme…

The answer is yes… all the time.”

Shepard: We’ll see about that. We don’t have high hopes here.

“My name is XL7Z.

But if you wish, you may call me Rhymey.

Shepard: Already broke your rule about rhyming “all the time.” Considering Rhymey doesn’t rhyme with Z.

Ert: And could you get anymore basic? Why not call the gardner Growy and the artist Paintey…wait their code numbers are their NAMES!?  WHAT!?

I love to speak in Rhyme, you see.

…as well as writing odes and poetry…”

Shepard: An ode is a form of poetry. This is what happens when you have to pad out every sentence to make it rhyme.

“I was on my way to a rendezvous…

…when I accidently ran into you

I hope that in future we can chat,

But if you’ll excuse me, I must scat.”

Seiko: *Blinks* Uh, whatever floats your boat man. But do you really want to be telling random strangers about that?

Ert:  We know what he meant, we’re just being dicks.

Then he flew off leaving a much confused but amazed Krysta and Lightning. “Wow! He sure loves to rhyme.” said Krysta.

Ert: Naw, really? It’s almost like it was his only personality trait. Now let’s go. We’ve got to get the rest of Mykan’s half-assed cast and their one-dimensional personalities introduced.

“And to think we’ll that when we meet him next time.” added Lightning. Then he and Krysta realized they both just made a rhyme, and they were both not amused.

Seiko: You think Mykan was paranoid about his reader’s missing the brilliant rhyme he slipped in there?

Once fully inside Rainbow City Central, Lightning felt lost. There were so many places, buildings, and unicorns everywhere. “Terrific! How am I supposed to figure out where to now?”

“Uh, Lightning…?” said Krysta. “Isn’t that our destination right there…?”

Just ahead was a building with a chef’s hat for a roof, and a sign with a blue unicorn that read “Cookie Dough’s Rainbow Dish Inn.”

Ert: I’M LOST! Oh wait, now I’m not. CRISIS AVERTED! And Cookie Dough. Oh great, Pinkie’s replacement?

Lightning looked annoyed. “So it is.” he simply said. So they both headed right in.

Seiko: The sad thing about this guy? That’s the only real personality trait he’s gotten, absolutely pathetic sense of direction. Unless you want to count easily impressed and speshul.

The restaurant seemed packed.

Ert: Is it? The “seemed” implies otherwise.

There so many unicorns of many colors, and number-codes.

Shepard: Well due to the nature of these codes, I imagine they don’t repeat.

Some, who looked as if they had already eaten, were still eating. “They must’ve really been hungry.” said Krysta. Then, as she sniffed the air, she could tell why. The smell of so many wonderful foods… “Oh! Oh my…! It smells so good.”

Ert: Have these two ever been inside a restaurant before? It tends to look like this.

“Krysta, this is no time to be thinking about food.” snapped lightning, but suddenly he took a whiff and felt just as she did. “I’ve never smelled anything like it.”

Seiko: I guess Mykan wanted to name this place “Everything Great” before he came up with his horrible unicorn pun.

That’s when the big doors to the kitchen opened and several waiters and waitresses came out holding tureens and trays of delicious hot foods, fresh tossed salads, fruits and pastries, and then… all the customers rose out of their seats and applauded as the head chef came out. It was that same blue unicorn from the sign on the restaurant. He wore a white chef’s hat, apron, and his code-number was BP1D, yet everyone cheered “Hail Cookie Dough! Hail Cookie Dough!”

Ert: *Snigger* What the shit is this? Is it their supreme ruler? Der Fuhrer Cookie Dough? Why is he bringing out all this extra food when everyone else either already has food or has finished eating? Right, “MAIN CHARACTERS ARE GREAT, MUST ESTABLISH!” Man, this chapter is SLOW! It’s becoming formulaic. “Here character. Here thing he do. That count as personality. Onto next.” I’m a little disappointed in you Mykan. I was expected more than boring droll terribleness, I was expecting something catastrophic. Do I need to go back to EP? It seems like he’s the real master of fucking everything he touches up.

“Honored guests…” Cookie Dough announced. “You’re admiration of my humble fare, is most appreciated. It fills my heart with joy to fills your stomachs with delight. Eat hearty, everyone!”

Seiko: They already were. It’s a restaurant. Well they call it in an Inn but apparently people treat it like a restaurant.

The customers all cheered and continued to feast, but Lightning followed Cookie Dough into the kitchen. “Um… excuse me… Cookie Dough?” he asked.

Cookie Dough turned round, “Oh! You must be the new delivery unicorn, just set those vegetables down over there in the corner.”

Lightning did as he was told but then said, “Actually, I’m Lightning Dawn.”

Cookie Dough turned round again. “You mean, THE Lightning Dawn? The new apprentice of The Grand Ruler…?”

Shepard: I get the feeling that Mykan wanted to have this one revelation of who Lightning was be a “GASP” moment. Then he remembered that everyone already knew who Lightning was, so he had Cookie Dough not connect the dots. Somehow.

“Y…y…yeah…”

Before Lightning knew it, Cookie Dough had given him and Krysta a special table right there in the kitchen and prepared a small meal for them, despite Lightning trying to protest that he wasn’t very hungry, but Cookie Dough insisted, and the two were forced to watch him skillfully mix, mash, slice, and chop up all the foods he would use to cook with. It was almost hypnotic to watch.

“So, you’re a cook?” asked Krysta.

Ert: …No.

Cookie Dough shook his head and explained that he was actually more of a chef than a cook. “A cook feeds the stomach. A chef nourishes the soul and educates the taste-buds.”

Seiko: I’d call that pretentious, but when we looked up the difference between a cook and a chef, the first result we got said a chef had to be responsible for the soul of the food, so I guess there’s some pride in the field. Still.

Before Lightning or Krysta could say anything more, a meal was set before them. “Try it. You’ll like it.” said Cookie Dough. Not wanting to be rude, Lightning and Krysta took a little nibble… then like magic… it was as if something inside of them sparked.

Ert: Yeah it probably went something like that.

It tasted so wonderful; they just had to keep eating until not a morsel was left. Krysta didn’t eat too much though due to her small size… to her a little food was a lot. By the time they were both finished, they felt as if they could hardly move.

Shepard: I know FIM introduced everyone by showing what they were good at, but they were also introducing their personalities, including things that WEREN’T directly connected to what they did. What do we know about these guys aside from the fact that they grow, paint, cook and like to rhyme? Not much. I suppose the artist is a bit of a snob, and the cook is a bit prideful but that’s it.

It was no surprise that was what Cookie Dough was famous for. He could satisfy the appetite of anyone, even if they were even hungry.

Ert: Well I would hope he could satisfy the hungry. I don’t know why that’s considered a special achievement. Usually that’s where you start in food preparation.

Before Lightning and Krysta left, Cookie gave them an invitation he was meant to hand to them upon their arrival. It was an invitation to the town library and observatory, but exactly why or what for, it didn’t say.

Seiko: Rather worthless invitation then, isn’t it?

So they decided to head straight over, following the directions on the invitation, but as they went they passed by the hospital and someone called out. “You there…! Hold it!”

Lightning turned and saw a white unicorn with a pink mane, and wearing a cap with a red cross on it approaching him. Her number was DR3F, but everyone knew her as Dr. Penny Sillion. “Are you Lightning Dawn?” she asked.

Ert: We had to get introduced to everyone else via the story playing out, but with the good doctor we get it right away. Yay inconsistency.

“Who wants to know?” said Lightning.

“Thought so… Come with me.” replied Dr. Penny as she dragged Lightning into the hospital, much to his protest. “Hey! What are you?”

The Grand Ruler’s orders were that every new comer to Unicornicopa had to have a physical examination,

Shepard: I don’t think the Grand Ruler has the authority to do this. His land is Unicornicopa. Meaning everyone being screened by this is from outside his domain. I mean it’d be one thing if he was screening newcomers to keep out plague in the what not, but this also happens.

and that’s exactly what Lightning went through, but in addition to the traditional things, Lightning was also put a treadmill to see how fast he could canter, or flutter with weights on his back to see how much he could support, but the worst test was the magic test, which was like having your blood tested, and almost done the exact same way, only much to Penny’s surprise.

Shepard: And this is allowed why? And accomplishes what? Is the Grand Ruler saying “Yes, I can’t let people into my land unless I know how much weight they can support while flying?” And what’s the difference between the magic test and a blood test?

“What…?” she exclaimed when she realized Lightning didn’t have any magic like most unicorns she saw “Yet, you have a golden horn…?”

“Yes!” snapped Lightning. “I don’t have magic, but I have a golden horn. Yet I’m fit a fiddle, healthy and keen- Can I go now?”

Penny saw no reason why he couldn’t, but she assured Lightning she would see him again. “A gold-horned unicorn that can’t do magic?” she thought. “I just don’t understand.”

Ert: Well that added nothing. It kind of reminded me of when Twilight was scanning Pinkie Pie in a desperate attempt to understand her Pinkie sense. Except it wasn’t funny.

Lightning was getting tired of running into so many unicorns everywhere he went. “Couldn’t have just met them all in one place?” he asked.

Ert: He sounds like he wasn’t expecting there to be a lot of people in a city. Also is he seriously bitching about this when one of them cooked a meal for him?

“Aw, come on, Lightning.” Krysta reminded him, “You’re still getting know the place, and that’s what The Grand Ruler said, right?”

Lightning knew she was right, and so they continued on their way through town, and finally reached the library. “This must be it.” He said as they ventured inside, only to find everything was all dark. They couldn’t’ see anything, even when Krysta used her glow to make a little light. “This is getting creepy.” She shuttered.

Shepard: Has she always been glowing? If so, it wasn’t established. Or she became radioactive. We might want to sweep the area.

Lightning felt the same, and he got a sick feeling that they weren’t alone. Then, all at once, the lights went on followed by the voices of many yelling “SURPRISE…!”

Balloons and decorations were everywhere as confetti fell from the ceiling, and big banner that read, “Welcome, Lightning Dawn”

Ert: And the unoriginality goes through the roof! Not only does Lightning Dawn get a surprise party welcoming him to the town, he gets it thrown in the library, just like Twilight did in the first episode of FIM. Because “FIM was a mistake.” Also private party for protagonist.

(Gary Stu Counter: 5)

The head of this party was the librarian, Inquerius.

Ert: Did. Did you really just steal a name from a planet in Power Rangers Turbo? The series where Alpha talked with Jive Turkey mannerisms?

He number was ES4G. She was a grey unicorn, and wore half-moon spectacles. “Are you surprised, Lightning?” she asked.

Lightning was almost speechless. “I… uh… this… me…?” Before he could say anything else, all the unicorns approached him introducing themselves, and offering him some refreshments, or to join a game, or even dance. “I think I’ll just have some punch please.” cried Lightning, who really needed to cool off from all the sudden buzz and excitement.

Shepard: “FIM was a mistake.” So Mykan decides to actually insert lines straight from the show into his fic.

So much had already happened to him that day he hardly ever had anytime to himself or to rest, and every time he tried to excuse himself he would bump into another unicorn and find himself unable to get away. “Krysta…! Help…!” he begged, but Krysta was a little preoccupied by her own fan-crowd of spectators who were amazed to see an actual fairy.

Ert: Krysta! Help me! SOCIAL CONTACT!

Then suddenly, all went dark, and the stage curtains at the back of the party lit up for the entertainment was about to begin. “And now everyone…” the announcer called, “The mystifying magic of… Abra-Kadabra…!”

Seiko: Mykan just stopped fucking caring didn’t he?

POOF! A puff of purple smoke puffed and then, as if out of nowhere, appeared a purple unicorn, wearing a magician’s hat and cape, and his number was CQ2E. “Thank you! Thank you!” he said to the cheering crowd.

“And now… if I may have a volunteer to help me with my first fantastic trick, please!”

Since Lightning was the guest of honor, you can bet the crowd was urging him to go, shoving him up on stage despite his protests. “Well, Lightning Dawn- how wonderful I am to meet you.” said Abra.

Seiko: Let’s just say this guy is a rip off of Trixie because he probably is. Also, yes, everyone is focusing every second of their attention on Lightning because of course. No one else is allowed to do anything important when a protagonist is in the area.

“Yeah…! Charmed…” said Lightning.

The first trick was the old magic-box. Lightning stepped in. The door was shut. Abra tapped each his hooves twice. The door opened, and Lightning was gone. “Ooh…!” went the crowd and Abra then took of his hat, and gave it a tap, and plop. “Ah…!” Lightning fell out of it and onto the stage. The crowd cheered for both Abra and Lightning.

Ert: You’d think when nearly everyone can do magic, it’d take something with a little more showmanship to get a crowd excited. At least Trixie had plenty of colors and lights going on to look impressive.

It was a good thing that, after which, everyone was so preoccupied watching the show and the entertainment, that Lightning and Krysta could finally slip off deeper into the library to have to quiet time instead of having to talk to someone new every ten seconds.

Seiko: Blame the crummy writing pal.

I’m going to go book browsing. Krysta said. “Want some company?” Lightning offered. “No thanks. I’ll be okay.” replied Krysta as she flew off. Lightning had a good idea of what Krysta was looking for and he hoped that she would find it.

Ert: Oh goodie, would you like to inform the audience? Because they’re the only ones you can inform who really matter.

Lightning could only sigh, and then he turned to gaze out a window. The night has certainly come quickly, but then again he did have a very busy day so the time just flew by.

Lightning knew this was The Grand Ruler’s doing, he always brought in the most beautiful nights, but Lightning’s daydreaming was interrupted when a book fell down and landed right beside him. “Huh?”

Ert: The night is beautiful? News to me. And it’s his doing? Oh, ANOTHER thing ripped off from FIM.

It was an ordinary book on astronomy. “Is anyone down there…?” called a feminine voice form up a spiral flight of stairs. “Yes…?” Lightning called “Is this your book?”

“Yes! Could you bring it up please?”

Lightning flew up to the top instead of climbing the stairs, and emerged in the observatory on top of the library, which was rather only but a single room, much like an attic.

Seiko: You don’t see sentences that look like train wrecks to this degree that often. “Which was rather only but a single room.” Quick, you can do better. Throw more meaningless words on it!

“Oh, thank you so much.” said the voice. Lightning turned round and saw the voice belonged to… the most… beautiful unicorn he had ever seen!

Ert: Love interest.

(Gary Stu Counter: 6)

Ert: Seriously fic writers. TRY to surprise us with pairings.

She was white, and had a violet sparling mane, long eyelashes which glittered when she blinked; her armor sparkled like the very stars themselves. She was looking through her telescope, up at the night sky.

Shepard: Is armor good for star gazing? Can’t say I’ve heard of that.

Lightning felt all strange and soft inside. “I, uh… I didn’t see you at the party.” Lightning said

“Oh, I didn’t feel like it. I just can’t stop looking up at the stars.” answered the unicorn.

Seiko: Probably because she name indicates that’s her one personality trait.

“Um… what’s your name?” asked Lightning.

The unicorn looked at him and spoke softly. “My name’s Starla- Starla Shine. Code-Number: KY1M. Who are you?”

Seiko: See?

Ert: Look ma! No depth!

He hesitated for a minute as he found himself lost in Starla’s eyes, “I’m Lightning Dawn. Code-Number: AO0C.”

Goeth: *Pokes head up* I’m lost in her eyes too. I somehow took a wrong turn on the way from the pupil to the optic nerve.

“Lightning…” Starla said softly.

The two of them seemed to get along well for having just met. Starla explained she loved to look at the stars because to her they could tell stories, or give you advice. “They can?” asked Lightning.

Ert: No. They can’t.

Starla nodded and showed him recordings of her sightings. “These groups of stars tell us how many centuries ago, The Grand Ruler fought off the evil sorcerer, and defeated him, and these groups here, tell the story of how today a new arrival would be coming… that’s you I guess.”

Ert: NO! THEY CAN’T! If they do, you need to explain how they work and not just that they just do.

“Well what’s there tonight?” asked Lighting.

Starla was just working on that when she dropped her book, now that she had it back she could confirm her calculations. She look at the stars, then drew their positions, consulted her notes, and she gasped “Oh, no! Oh, my…!”

“What? What’s the matter?” asked Lightning, and Starla explained that stars were warning her, “The evil sorcerer… he’s coming back. Tonight…!”

Seiko: Nice going dipshit. For someone who just can’t stop looking at stars, you think you’d be a little quicker on the update.

“What? Get outta here…!” teased Lightning “There’s no way that can happen.”

Starla knew the stars didn’t lie. If they said the sorcerer would return, he would!

Lightning told her to calm down. He didn’t believe the evil that The Grand Ruler had banished all those centuries ago would return, when suddenly there was large quake followed by strikes of dark lightning and a sinister laughing sound…! “Heh, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah, aaahh…!

“What’s happening?” cried Lightning.

Goeth: It seems your evil wizard was just waiting for someone to go “OH NOEZ! HE COMING BACK!” before making his grand entrance. Mainly so it’d make sense. Considerate fellow.

Ert: Also that laugh stopped being a laugh halfway through.

“Ohh…!” cried Starla!

They could hear the other unicorns all screaming down below and dashed down to see what was going on. “Lightning!” called Krysta “What’s going on…?”

“Can this be…?” cried Inquerius “Are the rumors true…?”

Shepard: There have to be rumors in order for them to be true. Starla figured out just now the very possibility of this guy who was never given a name coming back.

Ert:  Also the narration at the beginning said that people actually forgot that the wizard was even a threat.  So not only should there not be rumors about him, there really shouldn’t be much public knowledge about him period.

The doors flew open letting strong winds into the place as the windows shattered. Everyone was running about in panic as a large flash of lightning and big roar of thunder struck.

Then… there… on the stage… appeared a tall human-shaped figure dressed in dark robes, shoulder-guards, and a dark hood atop completely concealing his face within its shadows- except his eyes, his red and evil eyes glowing in the darkness within the hood.

Seiko: Evil wizard robes fully protect everything except the shoulders it seems. You need armor there.

Lightning could barely speak as he just stood there, gawking at the evil creature as it spoke. “I… am… Titan! The emperor of all darkness, and bringer of chaos and nightmares…!”

Ert: First it was darkness and chaos, then chaos and destruction, now it’s darkness, chaos and nightmares? Guy needs to get his MO straight.

Starla was right all along. “You…!” snarled Lightning “You’re the one I’ve heard of from the stories. That same evil The Grand Ruler banished to the Dimension of Darkness!”

Seiko: Thanks kid. The evil wizard needed to be reminded of who he was. He’s very forgetful like that.

Titan chuckle evil “Yes! But alas, that seal could not keep me a prisoner forever. Your grand ruler should have finished me off when he had the chance! Now, his mistake shall be inflicted on you all as my first order of vengeance of being locked up for all these centuries…! THIS WORLD… AND ALL ITS MAGIC… NOW BELONGS TO ME…!”

His evil laugh echoed as he made lightning strike the skies! The unicorns were in deathly trouble now!

Ert: Mykan actually had to spell out that this vaguely defined wizard Titan was a threat. I guess he was such a shallow one dimensional Care Bear villain that Mykan was concerned it wouldn’t take.

To be continued…!

Author’s notes:

If your wondering what all these code-numbers are for…

Like I said, this is not FIM. Things are different here, and that means, No Cuite Marks! Instead, we have code-numbers.

Ert: Yeah you’re just stealing 75% of the ideas and making the new stuff a lot more creepy. Also less depth, poor grammar and flat characters. YEY! In all honesty though? I’m underwhelmed. This guy is supposed to be a master at throwing tantrums, but everything here is just a shallow rip off. The guy isn’t even making my job interesting by doing something especially stupid or offensive. And he’s the only author I’ve reviewed with a widespread internet reputation (well, a bad one). Come on Mykan. Just about every fic I’ve reviewed has an author that deserves your reputation more than you so far. If I hadn’t done background research on you, I’d just think you were a run-of-the-mill badfic writer.

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203 Comments on “1291: My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing – Prologue and Chapter 1”

  1. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Holy John Freeman!
    *Hides in nuclear shelter inside nuclear shelter*

  2. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Ert: Thankfully I don’t think she’s even in this story. Because apparently it’s an AU

    *Whispers*
    Exceptwhenitsnotandmykanbringsthemainmlpuniverseintothestory.

  3. leobracer says:

    Have you ever seen ‘Escape from Midnight Castle’ by any chance?

    It was the first ever My Little Pony special in the 80’s, and it’s basically considered to be the sacred cow for Generation One fans.

    Tirac is the main antagonist in that special, and his ultimate goal is to bring about eternal night.

    Also, funny story, in the original movie, there was going to be a scene in which Firefly, Lauren Faust’s favorite pony, was going to bump into Shipwreck, a character from GI Joe, which would have connected G1 My Little Pony with G1 GI Joe and G1 Transformers.

    It was sadly never animated because the executives had said; ‘Very Funny, No.’

    Plus, they apparently had another special that were going to make before the original cartoon was made, but it was considered too dark from what I hear.

    And some said even that the original cartoon was even darker than Friendship is Magic.

    I think I’ve rambled on too much, let’s get back to the ‘show’.

  4. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Code-number: HV7J. He loved to pain

    So… He’s a masochist?

  5. leobracer says:

    Hey Ert, are you by any chance gonna post the author art that Dakari King Mykan made for this shitfest?

    • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

      If he won’t, I will.
      (Please wear protective eye gear at all times during the viewing)

      • leobracer says:

        Ye-uck. Even with protective, it’s still painful to look at.

      • leobracer says:

        Oh and the name for this guy? Yeah, how original. He just took Celly Belly’s name, and replaced the ‘ia’ with ‘o’, to try to make it sound male.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Ok, wow. Not used to seeing an Escher Girl build on a male…

        And is his cap and sash literally made out of the American flag??

      • leobracer says:

        I think his ‘cap’ is actually his hair, mane, or whatever the shit it’s supposed to be.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        If so…
        1)Wow. That is a really terrible way of drawing a mane, and
        2) Given that the stars are in fact of different sizes, it appears that the mane is made of the Australian flag and only the tail American/

        Also, the lower section his armor consists of a bikini bottom and gold bathroom slippers. Just what he needs to strike fear into his enemies.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Also, isn’t there an airline or something with the same logo as the thing on his chest? Not with the horn, obviously, but with the same “VF” wing design?

      • KittyNoodles says:

        You know, for a supposedly male Grand Ruler he’s got some girlish eyelashes. And he’s as scrawny and baby-faced as any run-of-the-mill teenager with a Napoleon complex.

        …Gdi I think Celesto is the author insert.

      • leobracer says:

        According to Tv Tropes and the author himself, yes it is.

        Its most definitely his author avatar. Hell, he was originally going to name his abomination Mykan, but changed his mind for whatever shitty ass reason.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        It pains me to know I called that based on the picture alone.

        (Does Mykan think that… haircut choice is flattering? And what does it say about him that he thinks a gold-plated loincloth — careful inspection shows that it doesn’t, er, wrap completely between his legs, there — and gold sandals with black knee-high socks is the appropriate way for a Grand Ruler to dress?)

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Does Mykan think that… haircut choice is flattering?
        The first time I saw it, I thought it was an NCO’s cap with the bill removed. Which is doubly sad, since I have seen people afflicted with that exact haircut in real life.

        careful inspection shows that it doesn’t, er, wrap completely between his legs, there

        My Little Unicorn, Testicles Are Magic?

      • leobracer says:

        You want to know something even more disgusting?

        I can’t remember if it was this fic or if it was Starfleet Magic, but apparently, he had Cell Belly marry his author abomination.

        Yeah. This assclown aparently has a crush on the very mare whose teachings are about friendship, despite the fact that he has said time and time again that he hates friendship.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        What testicles? Clearly he doesn’t have any unless his tuck-back game is transcendental.

      • The Crowbar says:

        pfff-

        What-

        What the-

        HAHHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAA

        WHAT IS THAT THING?!

        WHAT- WHAT IS IT?!

        *Mad laughter echoes through the corridors of the Library*

  6. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    You know what all these “code-numbers” are reminding me of?

    They’re reminding me of the designations of synths in Fallout. You know, how instead of actual names, they get codes like A3-21, X6-88, etc. Hell, the whole point of Fallout 4 is how horrible it is to reduce thinking, feeling beings into simple robots with codes for names. And this guy is basically saying “Nah, who needs individuality anyway?”

    Mykan here is replacing unique, personalized marks that shows your greatest talents with numbers and letters because he finds Cutie Marks, and I quote, “confusing”. I’m starting to suspect that he’s secretly from an alternate universe where Big Brother conquered the world.

    • KittyNoodles says:

      See, the numbers made me think of concentration camps. If this were in any way a decent story, I would start hoping for the big reveal that the Grand Ruler is the real bad guy and has tainted all the magic in the world to make the ponies his obedient slaves. Meanwhile Titan is trying to free the ponies by taking away that magic, thus restoring their free will.

      But this is clearly written by some acne-ridden fourteen-year-old with a boner for accidentally dystopian societies and gray scale characterization, so obviously none of that is going to pan out. Tragic.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      In an old project I was planning to use as the setting for a sci-fi tabletop game, there was a species called the Taloc whose names were largely comprised of alphanumeric designators.

      When they met humans who were initially uncomfortable with this, they made the point that their names were no less “actual” or individualized than human names because they use an arbitrary set of numbers, but humans really just use an arbitrary set of syllables picked from a list of such sets.

      In Taloc culture, in fact, it was considered coercive to ascribe any meaning to a name because names are given when an intelligent being is still to young to really express a personality, and the Taloc were a science-heavy race that put a lot of emphasis on individuals carving out their place in society through their intellectual achievements. The only time names changed was when Taloc went into the sciences, where they were allowed to add the suffix “-ex” to the alphabetic portion of their names (otherwise always two syllables picked from the Taloc alphabet).

      Of course, Taloc IDs were strictly numeric and therefore actually easily pronounceable due to the numbers being capped at 9999 (i.e. Malinex Three-Twenty-Six), and more to the point Mykan has completely undercut the meritocratic sentiment the numbering system was supposed to reflect by going ahead and naming the unicorns after their future talents anyway and then giving them a number that they don’t use in conversation but still feel compelled to tell each other for some odd reason.

      Basically, they are not a numbered society, they are regular Equestia with license plates.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *snerk*

      Oh my God. You should’ve seen what he said when the Let’s Read guys and I read Starfleet Magic (which was the remake of this). Oh my God…

    • Margolias says:

      Starlight Glimmer would LOVE him.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Oh boy, I was wondering when somebody was going to do this shitfest.

    I had actually tried to read through the thing years ago, but I honestly could not make it, it was so terribly paced. Let’s see if I fare any better with riffing.

  8. “My happiness comes from HATE and POWER… not LOVE and COMPASSION.”

    Well, so does mine, but you don’t see me doing nonsense like this.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    the legendary tri-horned alicorn, and he was known as that because, unlike any other unicorn, he had three horns instead of one. All, of which, were golden.

    No, Arby, shooting the commagun at the story won’t make it go away!

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    eiko: Hm, I need an apprentice. I know, I’ll pick someone who’s ACTIVELY WORSE than everyone else at one of the most basic aspects of our lives.

    Shepard: The only thing unusually about him was the fact that he had something in common with the Grand Ruler hm?

    It’s called “nepotism”, Commander.

  11. infinity421 says:

    Ooohhhh lord. This fucking fanfic. This is gonna be…
    Bad. Possibly.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    Bluesville… Greenland… Orange-Range…

    It’s a bad, bad sign when the names of your cities compare unfavorable to flavors of energy drinks.

  13. leobracer says:

    ‘Greenland’

    So the Northern Most Region of North America that the Vikings had discovered long before Christopher Columbus set off to cross the Atlantic is part of Dakari King Mykan’s Mary Suetopia?

  14. KittyNoodles says:

    Krysta thought it was incredible. It looked so real and she seemed so beautiful in the picture, much to Lighting’s dismay that “I notice I’m not in there.” he said to himself.

    Holy shit the fic just became self-aware.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    Before Lightning or Krysta could say anything more, a meal was set before them. “Try it. You’ll like it.” said Cookie Dough. Not wanting to be rude, Lightning and Krysta took a little nibble… then like magic… it was as if something inside of them sparked.
    It tasted so wonderful; they just had to keep eating until not a morsel was left. Krysta didn’t eat too much though due to her small size… to her a little food was a lot. By the time they were both finished, they felt as if they could hardly move.

    Oh, hey, it’s a Meal! I remember my grandma used to cook us Meal when we came over for Christmas, but she always added in a little pinch of Ingredient too.

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    Shepard: And this is allowed why? And accomplishes what? Is the Grand Ruler saying “Yes, I can’t let people into my land unless I know how much weight they can support while flying?” And what’s the difference between the magic test and a blood test?

    Well, the obvious answer is that he is evaluating them for military conscription. That’s also the terrifying answer, but given the cant of the ‘fic so far…

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Heh, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah, aaahh…!

    Oh, sounds like the sorcerer is coming all right…

    • KittyNoodles says:

      That would be mentally scarring if any of these damn characters had any personality. Or if Titan was, ya’know… ACTUALLY TERRIFYING.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Pff…

      All this time he only chose to stay in that place because he needed some “me-time” before continuing his conquest.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        “Me time” is very important when you’re plotting the downfall of an entire planet. Gotta make sure you’re properly hyped.

  18. Ert: First it was darkness and chaos, then chaos and destruction, now it’s darkness, chaos and nightmares? Guy needs to get his MO straight.

    Well, you know how it is in this market. Villains need to diversify!

  19. meeshybee says:

    He-Man did an episode where a forgotten evil sorcerer comes back from a prison dimension, although it wasn’t the inaugural episode. It also served as a backstory episode for the sorceress.

    I’m just going to go mope about my old-ness now.

  20. Cain: All ships, raise shields and brace for impact.

  21. meeshybee says:

    If your wondering what all these code-numbers are for…

    Like I said, this is not FIM. Things are different here, and that means, No Cuite Marks! Instead, we have code-numbers.

    So basically the code-numbers are like social security numbers, then? They’re issued by someone (presumably the government) and used for verifying identity, but in day to day life irrelevant. Probably means we will never see them again, so what was the point of having everyone wear them? Surprise troop inspection? Might explain the random armor.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      It’s weird, really. Some of the stuff Mykan does, like the numbers assigned to everyone, the more authoritarian government structure, and what I can only describe as day-to-day readiness exercises, make it seem like he is trying to write a grittier, much more militarized version of Equestria. Which, if written by, well, you know, a competent author, might actually be fun to read.

      But then he does silly and frankly kind of infantile things like replacing Spike with a fairy, giving everyone art- and service-profession-based talents, and introducing fucking Rhymey. I really have no place to even begin to analyze that.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        Yeah, what’s with the fairy? That’s so damn far outta left field for the fic. Why not, I dunno… a female Ursa Major? Or a changeling? Why a fairy? Is the fairy his attempt to pander to his imaginary female masses?

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I think it’s a combination of lack of imagination and sexism. MLP:FiM had a female lead character with a male assistant, and so since the ‘fic has a male lead character (probably because Mykan is unable to conceive of his self-insert not having testicles), he gets a female assistant. And, since dragons can’t be girls because boobs or something, that assistant gets crammed into a more suitably feminine form.

      • KittyNoodles says:

        But a fairy, though. Literally that is the epitome of all that is stereotyped as girly. It’s used as a slur, for goodness sake.

        Aaaaaand I’m beginning to see why that’s less his girly side making an appearance and more the sexism underscoring the rest of the shite.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        You know, the more I think about it the more I realize that Mykan really is a lot like Chris Chandler. He’s so sex-obsessed that he has to include female characters in his comic just so that he can jerk off to them, but he’s also so sexist that they can’t be anything other than fluffy, doilyheaded princesses.

  22. meeshybee says:

    Titan chuckle evil

    Me headdesk hard

  23. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Ert: Oh yeah, apparently he thinks he can write professionally for the Friendship is Magic Show

    Oh, it’s even crazier than that. I’ll assume you haven’t got to the part where he says why he hates FiM, and just say man, you’ll just headdesk hard when you see his reasons why he hates FiM…

  24. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Somehow I doubt that Mykan knew that, he doesn’t strike me as the person with the patience to use google,

    He can’t be assed to use anything, let alone Google.

  25. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Mykan is a little stupid in his childish declarations of hate isn’t he.

    What else do you expect from a man who lives in a fantasy land born of a self-perpetuating delusion?

  26. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Ert: Well that’s the end of the prologue and-OH GOD THERE’S A SONG! NO! NO! WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW OR EVER! Skipping onto the first chapter

    *grabs the brass knuckles*

    Allow me, Ert…

    Send a message out across the sky
    Evil forces now are jamming by
    Who will come and save us in this hour
    Who can defend us from their power

    MAGIC!
    MAGIC!
    MAGIC!
    MAGIC!

    Save the world from a fate harsh and cruel
    Send out the unicorns to fight and duel
    Always daring and corageous
    Oo-Ooh… only they can save us

    MAGIC!
    MAGIC!
    MAGIC!
    MAGIC!

    MY LITTLE UNICORN
    (Magic is believing)
    MAGIC…!

    Okay, that actually wasn’t as painful as I expected. The only problem?

    *BAM*

    That’s for the slant rhyme in the last verse (courageous/save us).

    But it’s not as bad as My Little Necromorphs. It’s also certainly not as bad as his ear-cringingly awful take on La donna é mobile:

    *cringes so hard it’s not even funny*

  27. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Krysta…?” cried Lightning “Krysta, No!” but Krysta had already sneezed “AH-CHOO…!” and even though she was just a little fairy, that single sneeze caused the flower she sniffed to keel over and lose all its petals. “Oh! Oh my!” cried Krysta.

    *snerk*

    Pfft, amateur. You want a really destructive sneeze:

    (Art by Keiiii, BTW.)

  28. Herr Wozzeck says:

    much to Artie’s confusion, but he couldn’t wait to tell all his viewers that he had just seen and painted a real-live fairy.

    Good luck with that, you little Bob Ross wannabe. Especially when you don’t exactly have TV!

    • KittyNoodles says:

      A Bob Ross wannabe written by Mykan?

      “Now we’re going to add an ANGRY LITTLE CACTUS BUSH, and we’re going to do that with HEAVY, RAGE-FILLED STROKES to really emphasize the HATEFUL SPIKINESS of this plant.”

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        *snerk*

      • TacoMagic says:

        Now we’re not going to use any of that painting crap that Bob uses, because it’s a bad idea. Instead I have this sheet of paper glued onto a cardboard box and I’m going to smush colored glue on it using this wad of newspaper.

        • KittyNoodles says:

          “Guys forget all about anything you’ve learned from that shithead Bob Ross. This is all completely different. Instead of happy trees we’ll be painting faintly amused shrubs.”

  29. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This is what happens when you have to pad out every sentence to make it rhyme.

    Not to mention it was padded out for what was ultimately scant rhyme anyway.

  30. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That’s when the big doors to the kitchen opened and several waiters and waitresses came out holding tureens and trays of delicious hot foods, fresh tossed salads, fruits and pastries, and then… all the customers rose out of their seats and applauded as the head chef came out. It was that same blue unicorn from the sign on the restaurant. He wore a white chef’s hat, apron, and his code-number was BP1D, yet everyone cheered “Hail Cookie Dough! Hail Cookie Dough!”

    The only possible segue I could think of:

  31. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Do I need to go back to EP? It seems like he’s the real master of fucking everything he touches up.

    Oh, you’ll see. Just wait until he gets to the part where the constant criticism piled on!

  32. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Shepard: I know FIM introduced everyone by showing what they were good at, but they were also introducing their personalities, including things that WEREN’T directly connected to what they did. What do we know about these guys aside from the fact that they grow, paint cook and like to rhyme?

    *snerk*

    Oh, poor Ert. Just wait until you hear DKM’s philosophy on characterization. That is truly the stuff of idiocy right there…

  33. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Code of the Sith

    *Wipes a tear from his eye*

    Poetry.

  34. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He number was ES4G.

    Okay, full disclosure: when my Let’s Read friends and I read through what we could manage of Starfleet Magic, one of the things we criticized was this. (Because it’s in STarfleet Magic, too.) Here’s the thing: he doesn’t realize the function serial numbers have in dystopic future fiction.

    Nor does he want to, frankly. When we tried to point that out, he published a chapter where he went out to prove it… by having a dissenter get tortured and brainwashed into believing it. Because that totally doesn’t happen in dystopias…

  35. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Ert: You’d think when nearly everyone can do magic, it’d take something with a little more showmanship to get a crowd excited.

    Or at least a Penn and Teller-style act, where the magician deconstructs the trick only to do something more astounding right at the very end. That would be awesome, too.

  36. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The two of them seemed to get along well for having just met.

    Oh fuck, next you’ll tell me they’ll be singing this:

    Which is very, very weird without the in-show context of “these two have been seeing each other for ages”.

  37. leobracer says:

    I want to see a fic where Unicorn-NOPE-ia goes to war with Equestria… and gets ganged up upon by an alliance between the Ponies, Dragons, Griffons, Buffalo, Zebras, Minotaurs, Diamond Dogs, Deer, Yaks, Bushwoolies*, Crabnasties**, GI Joe and the Autobots.

    *They’re a race of ridiculously cute critters that were in G1 My Little Pony.
    **They’re a race of sapient crabs that were also in G1 My Little Pony, and their leader was voiced by Peter Cullen.

  38. Delta XIII says:

    *sees title*

    0_0

    *clings to Ert’s leg in desperation*

    DON’T DO IT! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!

  39. The Crowbar says:

    What is this…

    What is this little-

    always remember to believe.”

    OH GOD MY EYES! MY EEEEEEEYES!

  40. The Crowbar says:

    OH GOD THERE’S A SONG! NO! NO! WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW OR EVER!

    This dude sticked a song into the middle of-

    Is he literally copy-pasting the entirety of MLP:FiM’s format here right now?!

  41. The Crowbar says:

    Code-Number: FT5H.

    Code-number?

    Why do these ponies have code numbers?

    Is this some weird ID system their “Grand Ruler” set up?

    • KittyNoodles says:

      I read that code number as FISH.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Furthermore, the alphanumeric system used provides only so many combinations. Assuming that the numbers must be unique, there is no other patterning restriction on the codes (like there is in Social Security numbers), and there isn’t a whole unnumbered underclass of ponies somewhere we don’t know about, that gives Unicornidopea a maximum population of about 1.7 million, which seems rather small.

  42. The Crowbar says:

    “Could you take these to the Rainbow Dish Inn,

    *snerk*

    I simply cannot bear the absolute creativeness of this story. It’s too much for my simple mind.

  43. The Crowbar says:

    It was a good thing that Unicornicopians were anthropomorphic,

    U w0t? Do they have a really rapidly changing biology, or do they all exist in the Formless Void, or did I miss something?

  44. The Crowbar says:

    What, is establishing stuff like that not fill in with your code of hate?

    Wait…

    Does this dude seriously try to live his entire life after the Sith code?

    You’re-

    You’re shitting me, right?

    Right?!

  45. The Crowbar says:

    their code numbers are their NAMES!? WHAT!?

    Yeah’, what the fuck is this shit?!

  46. The Crowbar says:

    But if you’ll excuse me, I must scat.”

    Kinky!

  47. The Crowbar says:

    Der Fuhrer Cookie Dough

    Pffff-*snerk*

    All hai-*snort*

    I can’t fucking do this!

  48. The Crowbar says:

    Goeth: *Pokes head up* I’m lost in her eyes too. I somehow took a wrong turn on the way from the pupil to the optic nerve.

    What? How’d you already manage to get a specimen? Holy shit, you work fast!

  49. The Crowbar says:

    stars because to her they could tell stories, or give you advice

    You-

    You mean those spherical and ridiculously hot fat cows of the Universe that are also dozens and thousands of lightyears away?

    Uh-huh. Sure.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I always thought of stars as the popular girls of the universe- made up mostly of the lighter elements, expecting everything to revolve around them, and prone to occasional spots.

  50. The Crowbar says:

    a tall human-shaped figure dressed in dark robes

    Oh good, so we’re vilifying humans now, or is this only because the writer has a weird fascination with Sith?

  51. The Crowbar says:

    widespread internet reputation (Well a bad one).

    Ooh, this is have to see!

  52. KittyNoodles says:

    It belatedly occurs to me that the fact that he named a restaurant after a female canon character is… incredibly disturbing.

    Not only has he essentially caused her character to be associated with an inanimate object that exists to be used (in this case, a location), but that location is an eatery.

    He turned Rainbow Dash into a place people visit to eat things. At the risk of sounding crass, I won’t be surprised if the joint sells cream pies for dessert.

  53. TacoMagic says:

    Shepard: Is there a word for this level of delusion?

    EclipsePhoenix?

  54. TacoMagic says:

    All were under the watchful eye of their grand ruler; the legendary tri-horned alicorn

    *Squints*

    You better not be draggin’ Big Momma T into this, or we gon’ have words, author.

  55. CrunchyRaptor says:

    he unleashed the mighty magic of the uniforce

    I am trying very hard not to be offended.

    I have failed.

    If anyone needs me, I shall be prepping in the literary drop room. Somebody desperately needs a batch of force lightning inserted into their face, and I am more than happy to oblige.

  56. TacoMagic says:

    The other unicorn nodded. “My name’s Buddy Rose. Code-Number: FT5H.

    And suddenly I’m getting a Logan’s Run vibe from the fic. That’s… unsettling in a pony fic.

  57. TacoMagic says:

    Cookie Dough shook his head and explained that he was actually more of a chef than a cook. “A cook feeds the stomach. A chef nourishes the soul and educates the taste-buds.”

    That sounds very familiar. One second.

    *A brief moment of Googling later*

    Aha, knew I’d heard that before. It’s flat-out ripped from an episode of Are you Afraid of the Dark. But with that last bit about the taste-buds plopped in, likely to try to disguise the origin. Which makes sense because the bit about the taste-buds really does cheapen the meaning.

    It’s since been adopted by a number of Chefs, most of who probably don’t realize the origin of the quote.

  58. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Ert: Also that laugh stopped being a laugh halfway through.

    The importance of good stretching before a good evil laugh cannot be overstated. You can pull something halfway through and then this happens.

  59. TacoMagic says:

    Then… there… on the stage… appeared a tall human-shaped figure dressed in dark robes, shoulder-guards, and a dark hood atop completely concealing his face within its shadows- except his eyes, his red and evil eyes glowing in the darkness within the hood.

    *Dark figure clears his throat, then straightens to address the crowd*

    Utini!

  60. "Lyle" says:

    Much if what I’d say has already been said since I got here late. So I’m just going to sit in the corner of my blanket fort and cry until this atrocity goes away. And if that doesn’t work, someone installed a wine cellar in my fort when I wasn’t looking and I’ll just drink myself into oblivion.

  61. Margolias says:

    Ert: Thankfully I don’t think she’s even in this story. Because apparently it’s an AU

    Oh, no. She does show up. You will NOT like what happens with her.

  62. Margolias says:

    Ert:…In? Believing in? Mykan is in such a hurry to show up FIM (Yeah he basically says believing is more powerful than friendship because IT MINE IDEA) he forgets to have it make sense. In order to believe you need something to believe in. Ideals Religion. The hope that things will get better. But judging from this, “believing” is just going to be a word they spout off when conflict resolution time rolls around.

    Yeahhhh, back when I sporked this, this was a huge issue I brought up. For all of Mykan’s wanking about how believing is stronger than friendship, he never actually goes into detail about it.

    Whereas FiM goes to show how friendship and teamwork can help problems, the fic doesn’t with believing. All his characters do is shout “I believe!” and shoot lasers. Belief lasers. Brilliant.

  63. Margolias says:

    The unicorns band together, but proved to be no match for the magic that threatened their world, but when all hope seemed lost, The Grand Ruler leapt into action to defend his kingdom and subjects, and using the power of his golden horn, he unleashed the mighty magic of the uniforce…! The sorcerer was overpowered and conquered!

    Oh, how lovely. The guy who’s duty is to protect the world, and he waits until the last minute to do anything. What, were you watching a FRIENDS marathon or something?

  64. Margolias says:

    Despite calls for his death, The Grand Ruler, whom many feared too kind, merely banished the fallen sorcerer to the Dimension of Darkness as fitting punishment for his treachery.

    Because… reasons. C’mon, Mykan, I know you feel like you have to rip-off the show to show how superior your writing is, but seriously. At least give your character a reason to not off the unrepentant omnicidal big bad when he clearly can. Just because Celestia did the same thing with Luna is no excuse.

  65. Margolias says:

    It was true! Though Lightning Dawn was indeed a unicorn, for some reason he just couldn’t seem to perform magic like any other could. The only thing unusual about him was he had a golden horn, but he still didn’t understand.

    So he’s basically pony Tiny Tim, then.

  66. Margolias says:

    I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE!

    Imagine being this salty over a children’s show.

  67. Margolias says:

    I’m the caretaker of the community garden. I can handle any flower, tree, weed- anything that grows.” and in no time at all, the flower Krysta had ruined was standing upright again, and Buddy didn’t seem to use any form of magic but rather ordinary gardening.

    Suuuuureee.

    *Mutters* Fuckin’ necromancer.

  68. Margolias says:

    “Ugh!” groaned Lightning, but then the other unicorn caught the sight of Krysta. “Is that a…fairy?” His eyes lit up like the sun. “Hold still, please!” he said with excitement. Krysta felt confused, but did as she was told, and in almost no time the artist showed her and Lightning his painting. “I shall call it… Fairy in the park.”

    How creative.

  69. Margolias says:

    “My name is XL7Z.

    But if you wish, you may call me Rhymey.

    You know, he reminds me of a and MLP character… I can’t quite remember her name… Decora? Hmmm.

  70. Margolias says:

    Some, who looked as if they had already eaten, were still eating. “They must’ve really been hungry.”

    What? People in a restaraunt are hungry? Unheard of!

  71. Margolias says:

    Before Lightning or Krysta could say anything more, a meal was set before them. “Try it. You’ll like it.” said Cookie Dough. Not wanting to be rude, Lightning and Krysta took a little nibble… then like magic… it was as if something inside of them sparked.

    He laced it with LSD, didn’t he?

  72. Margolias says:

    Then suddenly, all went dark, and the stage curtains at the back of the party lit up for the entertainment was about to begin. “And now everyone…” the announcer called, “The mystifying magic of… Abra-Kadabra…!”

    Pokemon! *readies pokeball*

  73. Margolias says:

    She was white, and had a violet sparling mane, long eyelashes which glittered when she blinked; her armor sparkled like the very stars themselves. She was looking through her telescope, up at the night sky.

    Rarity, izzat you?


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