1059: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Twelve

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey folks, welcome to Wednesday! Unfortunately that means more Eighth Spirit, a fic that somehow managed to be 98% plot regurgitation yet still far, far worse than the source material. With me once again is Sw- Eliza, what are you doing here?

“Hi! Swenia has her remediation meeting with the DRD today, so I’m filling in!”

Shouldn’t you be watching Jiwe or something?

“Naw, Crunchy’s got it.”

You’re letting Crunchy babysit!? I really don’t think that’s a good-

“Hose-y, fasser!”

*Crunchy trots by the Snark Booth door with Jiwe on his back.*

“Crunchy puts on a good show, but he’s a bit of a teddy bear with the kids.  They’ll be fine.”

Whoa there, kids!?

“Glasses keeps doing whatever it is she does to become a toddler.”

Ah, right.

So… last time we had the Battle of Hoax. At least, I think we did. Everything was so vague that it could also have been a couple of fog banks colliding. After a bunch of really horrible action scenes, Slippy is eventually knocked down by Garland Kongol, but is saved at the last moment by Rose. Probably because she doesn’t know any better. After that, we get a little info-dump on the dragoon, and then the party decides to go dragon hunting. Which leads us to now.

Chapter XII: War in the Swamps

“I thought the dragon was on the mountain.”

The swamp was on the way, so they probably figured they could squeeze in a quick war before slaying the dragon.

Upon arriving in the Marshlands, Stryfe, Dart, Shana and Rose followed Lavitz north across a pathway near the entrance that lead to several outposts which converged towards the Seventh Fort.

“Woof.”

Not you too!

The outposts were already destroyed by the Sandorans, and to make matters worse, the five began hearing battle sounds the closer they got to the Seventh Fort.

“What outposts?”

You know, the outposts. The ones near the marshlands.

“Aha! I was having trouble seeing them through the fog.”

As they finally arrived at the Seventh Fort, their fears were solidified.

So, their fears were made corporeal? That would be a neat plot twist.

“The way I read it, their fears congealed into a giant fear slime. I’m gonna call him Jeff.”

Numerous Basil and Sandoran soldiers were locked in fierce combat all throughout the path leading to the fortress entrance.

“Go, Jeff! Join the battle and drink deeply of their fright!”

You’re one weird cookie, Eliza.

“Thank you!”

As they drew their weapons and raced to aid the Basil soldiers, a squad of Sandorans ambushed them from behind.

*Squints* Author, that prose doesn’t say what you think it says. I mean, we can use context to figure out what you were trying to say, but it isn’t what you actually said.

“Sure it is. I’m totally convinced that the author absolutely meant so say that the Sandorans, on their way to aid the Basil soldiers, were ambushed by themselves. See, it’s a plot twist where a rebel faction forms within the Sandoran ranks, turns into a suicide squad, and executes the rebel faction.”

I suppose it could also mean that the Sandorans, on their way to aid the Basil soldiers, ambushed the Basil soldiers they were running to help.

“I like my version better.”

Sandoran #1: Are you fools from Basil too!?

“Wow, he recognizes them!”

Well, they’re pretty big fools, so their reputation proceeds them.

Stryfe: You won’t have your way!

The hell did that come from, Stile? That really has nothing to do with what the guard said, right Eliza?

“I like cheese!”

Exactly.

In a five on three battle, Stryfe, Dart, Shana, Rose and Lavitz quickly overwhelmed the Sandoran soldiers just as one of the nearby Basil soldiers was struck down by another squad of Sandorans, who quickly spotted them and blocked their progress.

“Woof. Is this one of the PhoenixofShadows action scenes I’ve heard so much about?”

Oh yeah.

Unrelated, I just realized that the acronym for PhoenixofShadows matches a much more famous and well known one.

“An oddly appropriate parallel given the quality of this fic.”

I wouldn’t have mentioned it if it wasn’t.

Sandoran #2: You bastards won’t escape!

“Especially since there is no chance to escape. They should make their time.”

Are these the same soldiers that team Dart just overwhelmed? It’s good form that, when you’re losing the battle, you shouldn’t taunt your opponents.

Dart: Get out of our way!

Shouting random things is awesome!

“Unicorn keg party!”

…

Actually, that sounds awesome.

“It is! Thought finding a place that stocks pony kegs of unicorn is so hard these days. Luckily I took a brewing course.”

Suddenly, I don’t want to know.

In another five on three fight, Stryfe, Dart, Shana, Rose and Lavitz fought a knight and two soldiers, once more coming up on top.

I continue to marvel that this fic can have action scenes worse than those in untold zombie chronicels. And not just worse, but significantly worse. That was one hell of a low bar to squeeze yourself under, author.

But just as Stryfe slashed the knights neck, he heard another Basil soldier being struck down by another squad of Sandorans. As the five turned around, the squad ran towards them and blocked their path.

“How can these action scenes really be this bad? It’s not possible, right? We’re dreaming or maybe we hit the unibrew too hard or something. Right?”

Sandoran #3: I won’t let you all leave alive!

Stryfe: Back up your words!

“My preferred method is to make a ghost image of my words.”

No worries, I’ve got the dictionary in one of the directories that my nightly incremental covers.

Here we go people, one of the paragraphs of action unadulterated.

This time, it was a four on five fight as Stryfe, Dart, Shana, Rose, and Lavitz took on two knights and two soldiers. While Stryfe, Dart and Rose focused on a close range offensive against the knights, Shana focused on the two soldiers in a long range strategy with her arrows while Lavitz covered her if they got in close. Again, as they struck down the Sandoran, another squad killed a Basil Soldier and stood in their path.

Revel in it.

“Well, at least this time we got more than: ‘They had a fight and won.'”

True, this time we got ‘They had a fight and tactics, and won.’

“Whee.”

Sandoran #4: I’ll chop you up!

Dart: Don’t waste our time!

“So chop fast!”

Not sure that’s what he meant.

Now it was a fair five on five fight as there were three soldiers and two knights this time.

I’m not sure that five mooks against three dragoons, the head of the Basil Knights, and the Moon Child is what I’d call a fair fight.

“The who?”

Oh, you know, Shana.

Stryfe, Dart, Shana, Rose, and Lavitz used the same strategy as they did against the previous squad, only this time, Dart jumped in to help Lavitz if the soldiers got through Shana’s arrows.

Author! That’s the same fucking scene as before!

“No it’s not. See, this time we were told that Dart helps Lavitz. He didn’t do that last time.”

THAT DOESN’T MAKE THE SCENE DIFFERENT!

“You’re so fun!”

As they struck down the squad,
the last of the Basil Soldiers were killed by the last Sandoran Squad in the area.

Uh, Lavitz, there’s a bit of a pattern emerging here…

“Poor guy. He really is not very good at the whole rescue thing.”

Noticing the group’s presence, the last Sandoran Squad blocked their path to the Seventh Fort.

They killed all the other mook guards, but we’re different! We’re the last ones here! HA!

Sandoran #5: I will stop all of you by myself!

“Me, and all my men!”

Yeah, I don’t think he really understands the whole ‘by myself’ portion of his plan.

Stryfe: No, you won’t!

Goooood comeback.

The final Sandoran Squad consisted this time of three knights and two soldiers, but there was no change in the five’s strategy.

I’m not even sure why you brought it up at all. Really, this chapter would be less irritating if it had been, ‘There was a battle at the gates to the fort, but the group handily routed the Sandorans and got inside without any problems.’

“Pithy.”

After a quick clash, the five struck down the final Sandoran Squadron, but the fight wasn’t over yet.

There we are.

*SLAM*

Carbon Copy Syndrome: 41

A Sandoran Commander noticed the fighting from inside the Seventh Fort and came out to block their path in a last ditch effort to prevent them from breaching the lines.

For the love of crap, author! Prose. Better!

Sandoran Commander: I won’t let any of you go further!

Dart: Is that all you have to say!?

Stryfe: Enough of this!

Our printer is out of toner!

“The wolverine is underrated.”

Accompanied by two knights and two soldiers, it was yet another five on five battle.

Is it me, or does the fic even seem like it’s bored with itself?

In order to quickly overtake the commander, Stryfe, Dart and Rose fought the knights while Lavitz and Shana fought the soldiers with the same strategy they used against the fourth squad. As soon as they were struck down, everyone turned their attention to the commander.

“In many ways I probably should have done something while you killed my men. But that’s the burden of command.”

While Stryfe, Dart and Rose kept the commander distracted by attacking him head on, Lavitz waited in the shadows to strike along with Shana, who kept her bow steadily aimed and ready to let her arrow fly at any time.

Ugh, it keeps going!

Seeing an opening in the commanders defenses, Stryfe unleashed an uppercut with his fist that temporarily paralyzed the commander, prompting Lavitz to begin his charge. Thrusting his spear through an opening in his armor, a soft spot was exposed in the commanders neck.

You know what, it’s boring, daybook, and showing instead of telling, but at least the author finally has the characters doing something specific!

Seeing her chance, Shana slowly let go of her arrow.

Firing a bow. You’re doing it wrong.

As it shot like lightning through the air, it struck the commanders neck. Like a tree that had just been cut down, the commander fell to the ground, not even making a small grunt as he hit the floor.

Horrible action aside, THIS is why you keep your sexist bullshit to yourself about Shana. All-in-all, she’s a badass, and that’s not even touching on her true identity.

Stryfe silently watched as the body slowly began pouring out blood onto the ground in a puddle.

“Is the middle of siege really the time to stand around watching blood pour out of a body?”

Just then, he and everyone else noticed that the sounds of battle have stopped, and the atmosphere was now eerily silent.

“Oh. That would have been handy information before you described Spittle standing around not doing anything.”

Stryfe; Why did it stop?

Given how things were going outside the fort, I’d guess that the Sandorans just ran out of people to kill.

Dart: Let’s check inside the fortress!

“Quick! Run toward the mortal danger!”

Racing into the fortress entrance, the five were greeted with a very eerie sight. There were bodies scattered left and right throughout every singe room in the fortress. As Stryfe observed one of the bodies, he saw that there were no cuts or wounds on the soldier at all.

*Checks the bodies* These men died from… boredom.

“Has this fic been banned by the Geneva Convention?”

If it hasn’t been, it should be.

Upon traveling deeper into the fortress, they came across the captian of the Tenth Knighthood, who was barely clinging to life.

Being farsighted is the only thing that spared him from the deadly dullness.

Lavitz: Hold on, Soldier! We defeated the Sandorans!

“Just in the nick of time, too!”

Provided their goal was to watch this guy die, then yes.

Head of the 10th: Uh…uhh…Sir Lavitz. Watch out…for the…Dragon’s breath…It…is…

“Halitosis!”

Think I’d rather deal with the fire-breathing variety.

The soldiers eyes went gray, and his limbs went numb and lifeless.

That’s not how death works. The eyes glaze over and stare, they don’t change colors.

As Stryfe watched Lavitz close the soldier’s eyes, Stryfe came up with a theory.

“Colonel Mustard, in the observatory, with the poison!”

You always beat me at this game.

Stryfe: The Dragon’s breath…Could it be poisonous?

Dart: It could be…I don’t see any other way they could die like this.

See the above theory about boredom.

Rose: You’re right. Feyrbrand’s breath is deadly to those who inhale it.

Stryfe: We’ve got to stop it before it leads to more deaths like this.

Dart: Lavitz, where is the shortest path to Volcano Villude? The sooner we get there, the sooner we can get to the Dragon’s nest.

Lavitz: The path we need to take is west of here. Once we pass that way, we head north.

Stryfe: Alright. Let’s go.

“And once they get there, they’re gonna inhale some quality dragon breath.”

Duuude, they’re gonna get so high!

Leaving the Seventh Fortress behind, the five acquired some boats from one of the outposts so they could use them to cross the swamps over to the path that leads to Volcano Villude.

“Woof.”

Very.

*Eliza looks down the page* “BRACE FOR IMPACT!”

As they crossed the murky waters of the swamp, Stryfe kept his sight focused straight ahead of him, as he felt that any sign of hesitation could signal whatever lurked in these waters to strike at him.

The hell? What does his focusing straight ahead have to do with not showing signs of hesitating!?

“Not only that, but hesitation is not typically something that triggers the attack instinct. Usually you go for either things that are moving, or showing signs of being either sickly or young.”

After almost an hour of nothing in sight, the five came across the other side of the swamp, they docked on the shore and continued on foot, leaving the canoes behind.

“The void swamp sure is pretty this time of year. What with the vague light reflecting off the emptiness.”

We’re kinda running out of chapter… and swamp. If we’re gonna get this war we were promised, it better show up soon.

After traveling through the muddy pathway, the path that lead out of the swamp finally came into Stryfe’s view.

*Checks watch* Okay, war, I know you’re running late, but it’s now or never.

Not alone in his eagerness to get out of the swamp as quickly as possible, Stryfe was joined by Dart, Rose and Lavitz, with Shana close behind them.

The fuck was the point of that sentence!? You just trying to remind us of your character blob or something, author?

Just then, Stryfe heard a screech of pain that sounded like it came from Shana.

“It didn’t though. As it turns out, Kongol is practicing his falsetto.”

That dude has some impressive range.

As Stryfe turned around to see what was wrong, he saw Shana grasping her leg as if she had broke it. Concerned, Dart went over to check on her.

Dart: What’s wrong, Shana?

Shana: I’m f, fine. My foot was stuck in the mud, that’s all.

“The scream of pain is just my normal reaction to mud. I always forget that it isn’t hot like lava.”

Stryfe: It looks like you did more than just get it stuck in the mud, Shana.

Yeah, like both of them. And part of your leg.

“I can’t fault the girl and liking to wallow a bit.”

Dart: Did you twist your ankle?

Shana: It’s nothing…

Dart: You can’t stand up, can you? Come on, get on my back. I’ll carry you.

Shana: But, it’s embarrassing.

Quiet you! The plot says you and Dart need to have a moment, so shut up and hop on!

“I’ll go ahead and send a memo to Herr that we need his assistance here.”

When Dart lifted Shana on his back, Stryfe couldn’t help but see how happy Shana was when she was being carried by him.

Fair enough, the girl does have it pretty bad for Dart. Even so, Dart’s in a chest plate, so you’d think her joy would be a but muted a bit by having to cling to his metal shell.

As soon as Dart made it back up the hill with Shana, Lavitz voiced his concern.

Lavitz: Dart, is Shana alright!?

“She’s being carried, how do you think she’s doing?”

Shana: I’m okay now.

When Dart set her down for a bit, Stryfe quickly saw Shana race ahead of him and the others.

Little faker.

“Any excuse for a good breastplate cuddle.”

Stryfe: Shana, what are you?

Shana: It’s okay. The pain is gone. Let’s go everybody!

Stryfe: Err…Okay. If you’re alright…

For those wondering, this is foreshadowing. See, later, Shana’s ankle explodes in combat.

“Now you’re just making stuff up.”

Heading up the exit path, the five left the Marshlands and headed south towards Volcano Villude.

Where the hell was the war we were promised? There was a battle, and then there was a swamp! THERE WAS NO WAR IN THE SWAMP!

“There was boating in the swamp. That’s similar in many ways to war.”

The closer they got to the volcano, the hotter the humidity got, as the number of lava rivers increased the closer they got.

*Facepalm* Author, pick up a fucking dictionary and learn the words that you’re trying to use.

Finally, as they crossed over a hillside, the entrance to Volcano Villude came into view…

YOU ENDED IT ON ANOTHER ELLIPSIS YOU S-

*Eliza bowls Taco out of his chair and pins him to the ground.* “Swenia warned me about this. You need to settle or I’ll break out one of the emergency Herr calming pies.”

I WILL NOT! THIS HACK KEEPS US-

*Calming Pie’d*

AIEEEEEEEEEE! IT BURNS SLIGHTLY LESS PAINFULLY THAN THE FIC! OH IT’S IN MY EYES!

“He’ll be fine. Until next week, patrons!”

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