1060: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapter ThreePosted: May 28, 2015
Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media: Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
WARNING: This installment of FaCe ThE StRaNgE contains an explicit scene of poorly-written sex. Thus, this installment is NFSW.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to FaCe ThE StRaNgE.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, if you’re wondering what makes this fic so infamous… Well, you’re about to find out. Seriously, you guys have no fucking idea.
Well, as the crazy one said to the one who planned it…
So our next chapter starts with this:
Shadow and Dally were talking in the Great Hall when all of the sudden a cheetah ran in at warped speed, barreling through chairs and people in a frantic rush of hurry.
And forgiving that there’s just no way for a cheetah to be able to run faster than the speed of light… at all, it probably caused most of those people to be splatters on the wall. Good job, cheetah.
“SHADOW! DALLY!!” shouted the cheetah, suddenly it turned back into Charla
(she is a anemograph and can turn into a cheetah)
An anemograph? What the fuck is an anemograph?
*goes to Uncle Google*
Huh. That’s… um… interesting. Hey, if nothing else, it’ll be useful if someone tries to summon a wind storm to take out Hogwarts!
“SOMETHING IS GOING UPSTAIRES”
What Shadow should say: “*sigh* All right, who let SCP-173 out of containment?”
What he actually does:
Shadow put them all on his back because he is fastest even faster than the leopard
Yeah, and how long do you expect he’ll be able to run with all that extra weight hanging off his back? And especially with those skinny-ass legs he’s got?
and they ran upstairs and busted down Dumble’s door just in time to see him unzipping his genes.
So they ran upstairs, busted down Dumbledore’s door, and they arrived just in time to see him unzipping all the chromosomes of every single cell in his body.
Well, I’m sure they all appreciate the science lesson, Dumbledore, but unless you have microscopes handed out to the class, your little lesson on a normal function of the human body is going to be—
“NOOO! EDWARD!” Dally shouted…
Oh, right, I forgot; Dumbledore was about to molest some minors.
she loved Edward and would never see him get hurt.
Dally, why the fuck would you care about Jealous McJealouspants over here? I mean, sheesh, am I the only one who remembers that he got all uppity about another man goddamn introducing himself to you!?
She ran at Dumbledore and headbutted him. He flew back into the wall and fell into his phenix, and they both exploded into thin air.
Good job, Dally: you just killed Fawkes. Thanks for that.
“FUCK WE LOST THEM” exclaimed Draco, “We have to get that basterd fired from Hogywarts”
And how, pray tell, are you gonna do that? He kind of exploded, don’t you know: I’m pretty sure there’s nothing left to fire in the first place!
The three of them mated downstairs to Professors Macnoggle’s orifice
They fucked all the way downstairs, and then they put their things in… um…
You know what? I don’t want to know what they stuffed up this Professor Macnoggle’s vagina. I really, really don’t wanna know.
and demanded an interview. She opened the dory to her chamber and said “Come in dearest stunts! What can I ass you in?”
Huh, she’s referring to them as “stunts”. I could make a very, very horrible joke about being knocked up, but I’m not going to do that.
And why would you want to stick your ass in their face? I thought we talked about this shit when Chiron tried to do the same thing in The Prayer Warriors!
“We need to get a certain pedofile fired from this plays,” said Harry, “He tried to rape some students including me”
“Oh no don’t worry thought I will have it all took care of,” she said and bamfed them out.
*checks the cast list*
Huh. Apparently, the part of Professor Macnoggle is to be played by John McClaine. That’s a rather… interesting choice.
A week later a blog was posted aboot it in the bathrooms that said “A teacher has ben fired to improper actinic against a students, this teacher is Professes Umbrige”
“WAT” they all mounted in unicorns, “THEY FIRED THE WRONG TEACHER”
Okay, I have no idea how the hell they managed to fit a bunch of unicorns in the bathrooms (or indeed, why the hell there are unisex bathrooms at a goddamn boarding school—seriously, do these guys not realize how rampant teenage hormones can run?), but yeah, why’d you fire the wrong teacher?
“Wait keep reading” said Shadow, “It said more”
“There is a new teacher to be hired in place of this one and his name is Jack Skeleton”.
Jack Skeleton? Who the hell is Jack Skeleton?
Hm, you know, this is a multi-crossover. Maybe there’s something on the actual site that—
Ooooh, she meant Jack Skellington!
Um… what the hell does planning Halloween every year have to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts? I mean, I know Jack gets bored of his occupation very easily, but I’m pretty sure he knew better than to branch out into this!
“Yay!” I said, “Professor Skeleton will know what to do! Let’s go to his class and tell him about that faggot Dumbledore.”
You know what? I’m gonna start another counter. Be right back!
*walks out, walks back in with all sorts of electric equipment*
Okay, so that’s last chapter, and this chapter. Coolbeans!
*hits buzzer twice*
Fuck Progress Counter: 2
Yes, that’s right. We’re going to track the use of every slur used in the fic. Trust me, you’ll see why.
They whaled over and came into his office.
Fair enough, but how did they fit a goddamn blue whale inside Hogwarts?
He was very skinny and had a skull for a head and no eyes but teeth on them.
Wait, his teeth were on his eyes?
“Hello students, what can I halp you with?” he asserted.
“Dumbledore Is gay!” blarted Edword.
What Jack Skellington should say: “but there’s nothing wrong with being gay”.
What he actually says:
“Well students there is nothing wrong with bean gay,” he said
Holy shit, he actually said what he should’ve said! Thank you Jesus!
, “I am bisexual myself.”
And you see, there we go!
“No but he tried to FINGER US” said Draco, he turned blue a little because he was embarrassed. Draco is straight and it’s Adam and Steve not Adam and Steve.
Did you just bring up the fucking “it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” bullshit? In goddamn Harry Potter? Which, you know, is not religious in any sense? And which in fact got shit from the churches ‘cause of witchcraft and other such stuff like that?
And also, if you’re going to pull that bullshit, you could at least, oh, I dunno, not repeat the same thing twice and undermine your own point!?
Either way, it counts.
Fuck Progress Count: 3
“OH FUCK” said Jack. They exclaimed to his the whole story and he said, “Don’t worry I will take acres of this.
Well, to be fair to Jack, I suppose buying up Hogwarts would be one way to get rid of Dumbledore. The landlord probably has a lot of say over who gets to run the place and stuff, after all.
Just go to your rooms and sleep for tonight. Until then incest Dumbledore is not here there are no rules…”
Wait, no rules? Honey, you know that there are at least seven other adults in Hogwarts, right? If you can’t enforce the rules, can’t they? I mean, I know the headmaster being fired is gonna cause all sorts of chaos, but come on! There are still lots of other people that can fill in the authority figure roles!
So they left and went to their rooms, except for Dally And Hiei who hung out outside where the dorm rooms started.
So they were left outside the common rooms? Gee, I wonder why the Ravenclaw portrait didn’t let the Slytherin in…
“Did you hear what Proffessor Skeleton said?” Hiei asked, “I know that you are mad at me but there are no rules and maybe I can make it up to you.”
Is Hiei suggesting what I think he is?
“How would you do that?” asked Dally.
Just then he pushed her against the Ravenclaw satellite and because to kiss her gastricly.
Okay, does anyone in this universe act normal around this lady? First Edward gets even more jealous than even I think he would get, then Hiei literally tries to marry Dally after the third fucking time he’s met her, then Shadow just talks cajolingly to her, and then Draco gets into a fight with Edward over Dally!
Does nobody have any kind of sense of waiting? Seriously, they know next to nothing about this Mary Sue and they all want to jump her bones literally two days after they meet her! What the shit!?
She put her tongue in his mouth and felt his teeth. He cut his tongue on her fangs and the blood tripped down his chin… he was turned on by it and suddenly Dally felt something against her.
And Hiei is into bloodplay.
Um… My kink is not your kink and all, but how the fuck does Hiei know that? And when the fuck did he grow stones on his chin so the blood could trip over it?
“Hiei is that your wand?” she asked.
What Hiei should say: “Why yes, honey, and it’s ready to cast a spell all over your face.”
What he actually says:
“No… that is my penis, Dally…” he said.
‘Cause why try to run with that double-entendre and be interesting when you can just state the obvious like a total buzzkill, right?
“OMG you’re so huge! You’re like 6 inches!!” she shouted, gasping for breath.
Lady, six inch penises are nothing. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the national average of penis size, so I really don’t know what—
“No I am 6 inches flassid, right now I have a bonner so I am 10 inches,” he said.
Okay, that’s a pretty big penis. In fact, it might even be too big considering that a large penis can actually hurt your partner in some cases, and holy fuck why the fuck are you talking about penis size before you go into sex!? I can’t think of a single man in this world today who considers talking about their penis size as any kind of foreplay! I mean Jesus Christ!
Della was at a lost for words.
Similarly, I am too, and unfortunately for me I am also at a loss of buzzer action considering that I already buzzed that misspelling.
She was a virgin and did not know about dicks and it was her first time having a penis.
Oh wow, Dally… Holy shit, you are not prepared for a ten-inch dick. You better hope Hiei brought something to prepare you with, but knowing how teenagers are, I’m not going to…
Wait, why the fuck am I talking about sex accurately!? This is a damn troll fic! It’s not worth it!
Hang on a second, patrons, I know just what’s gonna fix this.
*Three Hours in the Brain Bleach Jacuzzi later*
Ah, there we go. Man, it feels great to swim in there!
Uh, was I doing something?
“Let’s go to your room,” said Hiei, “I want to have sex with you.”
Excuse me for a moment.
*Four More Hours in the Brain Bleach Jacuzzi*
Dangit, and I couldn’t even fully get it out of my head that time. Fuck…
So he said the password and they went into Ravenclaw, and went to Dally’s bedroom. A couple Ravenclawers were like, “Dally what he is doing here??” but she turned Hiei into a broom with her powers as a mutant so they didn’t notice anymore.
Wait, what? They saw Hiei walk into the common room, but then they stopped noticing him the second she turned him into a broom!?
How the hell does everyone in the goddamn Ravenclaw common room fail to notice the obvious disconnect there? I mean, Dally, unless they’re goddamn Clive Wearing, they’re gonna remember they saw a Slytherin standing there!
God, the GM must really hate the rest of Ravenclaw.
Then she unturned him back into a Hiei when they got onto her bed. They started kissing and taking their clothes of.
Oh dear. Well, I guess we’re going to get some poorly written—
“Do you have a birth control?” asked Dally as he started to put it in.
“No… I didn’t think to bring somes.” He said frowning but he kept doing it.
Hold on a second, are these people for real?
“Hiei please I don’t want to have a baby… you can get pregnant even from your first time,” she said kissing him and moaning as he went faster and faster.
Oh my God. The fic that seconds earlier was all “ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE” is now backpedalling and promoting birth control? You know, something that most churches are against and all that?
Oh, wait, I forgot: this is a trollfic. Consistency is intentionally avoided in these things.
Well, at least Dally is thinking about it. It’s way too late to be thinking about it since they’re already midway through the act, but hey, better late than never, right?
“It will be okay… you can just use your power to turn my cum into water and then it wont be babies,”
“It will be okay… you can just use your power to turn my cum into water and then it wont be babies,” he said as he started to tittyfuck her.
*takes a deep breath*
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!?!?
[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]
*breathes in and out*
You know what? I can’t even say anything to that. Like… he can turn cum into water! He can turn ejaculatory fluids into fucking water! With magic!
Do I even need to talk about this!? He just offered to turn the cum into water as a form of birth control! Forget the coochipede, this is the weirdest method of birth control I have ever seen!
Let’s just move on before—
Her boobs were huge so they could wrap them around his weiner like bumblebees.
I’m not so sure you want to have bumblebees around your wiener, dude. Just ask Penn Jillette about what happened when he did this trick and you’ll know why.
“That sounds like a good idea,” she said as he splurted on her neck, then flipped her over and started rubbing himself on her back, “I can also use my powers to turn stuff into kinky sex toys!!!”
And why the hell would you want to do that?
You know what? No. I don’t even wanna know. Let’s just keep going.
So they continued… but just from the first chreptar 1, Edward was watching from the darkness… he had used his vampire powers to turn into a bat and they didn’t notice him fly in.
Oh god, Jealous McJealouspants is back again. And of course, he would see them doing the deed. So what’s he gonna do?
HE was angry… he was tumors… he was so mad at both of them that he used his wizard powers to turn the water back into cum. He would have his revenge!!!
So Dally turned the cum into water, and then Edward turned the water back into cum? So literally, Edward’s idea of revenge is to give her a pregnancy she doesn’t want and is in no way prepared to deal with at her age?
Wow, Edward. I knew you were kind of a douchebag before, but after this? After this!? You’d be goddamn lucky if Dally ever wanted anything to do with you again. I mean, holy shit: it’s a hell of a feat to make Edward Cullen into even more of an unlikable assface than he already is, but this fic found a way! Boy howdy, did it find a way.
*hands Alma to Fraug*
I’m just gonna sit back and watch the fireworks.
I’ll see you guys next week.