928: Life with Raptors – Chapter Six

Title: Life with Raptors
Author:   AwesomeHunter77
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre:  Humor/Drama
URL: Life with Raptors
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Salutations, dearest patrons!  Since I lost the bet with Taco last week, this week I’ll be flying alone.  We will see what kind of dept of pies he earns for this little stunt.

Hmm, recap.  Well, last week’s chapter was all about sex.  Sex. Sex. Sex.  It should have been anyway.  All that really happened was May taking a waterfall shower, her and Sorin stumbling upon two of the generic raptors in flagrante delicto, and wandering off to go swimming and star gazing.  The chapter ended with Seth’s and May’s personalities doing a U-turn, assuring a more close match to Rae and Sorin.  And that was pretty much it.  The other 95% of the chapter was word padding.

This week, however, promises to be much more exciting!

Chapter 6: Hunting

See!  Hunting!  We even get one of those elusive chapter headings that have only been in half the chapters!

Seth’s POV

*Sighs*

It’s no fun when Taco isn’t here to annoy with glittery celebrations.

*Eliza pulls out a small remote with a single red button on it* 

Luckily I hid a small explosive charge filled with glitter glue in his game room.

*Eliza presses the button, which is followed by the faint sounds of a detonation and muffled screaming somewhere deep in the bunker*

I noticed my human was using a sharp metal thing that slightly resembled

claw to scrape out a point on the end of a stick one day. I walked over to

investigate. I sniffed at the pointed end, trying to see if there was any funny

business.

Pardon, obviously there is something wrong with my eyes.  One moment.

*Eliza pops our her contacts and pulls out a pair of reading glasses*

Now, let’s see what this really looks like.

*Rereads*

Well, my word….  I shall have to prepare some migraine medication for all your lovely readers.

DARKWRAITHS!  BREW UP CONCOCTION NUMBER TWO-NINETY-SEVEN!  AND ADD EXTRA KOBOLD GLAND!

Shouldn’t take but a few moments.

So much for her claim that she doesn’t post anything that isn’t up to her standards.  I suppose she never did qualified what those standards were, so it may actually be true.

“Careful. This is going to be really sharp so I can defend myself.” She

warned as she shoved me away a little.

“Going to be?”  If it isn’t sharp yet, why does he need to be careful?  More to the point, you have a gun, sweetie, and know where there are more guns and a surplus of ammunition.  The sharpened stick is rather less effective than those.

So it was some sort of long, straight claw?

Is a pointed stick really that hard to recognize!?  You even described it as a pointed stick up there!

No matter, it was useful if it

was for defense, maybe it could work for attacking too?

I’m sure it’ll put the gun to shame.

“SETH! I’m starving!” I heard Max yell. I sighed.

No idea what Max’s problem is.  Seth ate a fish last chapter, so Max should be fine.

P”BIt’s not safe with the giant green creature walking around.” I

muttered.

Um, what?  Did Seth sneeze as he was saying that?  Looks like he sneezed so hard part of it flew out into the narrative.

“Seth, we can’t wait until that-that giant thing goes to another side of

the island. We have to hunt.” Lily reasoned.

“Said.”  The word you wanted there, was “said.”

I sighed. “Alright. Lily, Max, you keep the nests guarded while the rest

of us hunt.” I commanded.

“Said.”  It’s an easy word; only four letters.

“And your human?” Austin asked.

Delicious when prepared as ragù alla bolognese.

Come to think of it, there are around six hungry raptors here and one human who is a pretty big jerk.  That seems like a pair of problems that would cancel each other out.

I looked at her, she was poking the top of her weapon, and when she cursed

under her breath and licked her finger to stop the droplet of blood from coming

out of her finger. I sighed again.

You can rightly question the Sue’s competence in a lot of things, but she has the fine art of whittling honed to perfection.  Nobody makes a stick pointy at one end like she does.  Nobody.

Wait, she licked her finger to stop blood from coming out of-

*ALARM BLARES*

OH!  I get to try the new lava glitter!

*Eliza presses the button again.  Muffled screams suddenly erupt from the hallway*

I love these new PCC brand remotes!  One button to handle all your needs!

“She will come too.” I said, and Austin and Ellie nodded.

Yes, bring the human.  I cannot see that harming your chances of a successful hunt at all.

Though, I suppose she does have a gun and these raptors’ track record is understandably lackluster.  There are worse ideas than bringing the…

Author, you do remember that May has a gun, yes?  You listed her weapon specifically when she put together her survival pack.  You haven’t forgotten, rigth?

Right?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?

I walked over to her, and nudged her side. “What?” She asked. Knowing she

couldn’t comprehend our speech, I looked over at Austin and Ellie, who were

waiting.

Helpful.  What exactly do you expect her to get from you looking at two raptors milling around waiting for you to do something?

She followed my gaze, but seemed confused.

Rightly so.  Austin and Ellie were the two having sex last chapter, so it would be rather easy to misconstrue what Seth is trying to get at here.

I rolled my eyes in annoyance

before grabbing the back of her overscales and dragging her with the hunting

party.

*Eliza grabs the script and pages through it a bit*

“Seth P. Raptor to be played by a 12-year-old boy.”  Well, that explains why his eyes are rolling around in their sockets.

Max and Lily were rolling on the ground, laughing like crazy, and my

human was struggling and yelling, I also had to pick up her weapon from her

clawing to get away.

Not since Titus Andronicus has there been such hilarity put down in the the written word.

Little hint for our author:  If you need two of your own character reacting to a situation to clue the audience in on a scene that is supposed to be funny, then it isn’t.

When we at last reached a herd of the yellow things from before, I had to

stuff my tail into her mouth to shut her up.

Gross, now you have monkey drool all over your tail!

She’s such an asset to the team.  I am so very glad that you brought her.

She tried to pull it away, but, my

tail was basically nothing but muscles.

And bone, tendon, skin, nerves, blood vessels…

 I turned my tail so that she was looking

straight at the yellow things, and dropped her weapon at the feet.

Suddenly he knows the word weapon.  Funny how that would have been useful much earlier.

And I hope the weapon he’s talking about is her gun.  Though I suppose she was a caretaker.  Most of the dinosaurs would be pretty accustomed to her presence, so she should be able to easily walk up to one and kill it before it even realized there was danger.  There are certainly worse plans.

She thought for a second, and then realized what I meant. She tried to

shake her head, but it was hard since my tail was stuffed in her mouth to keep

her from yelling.

Author, I’m not so sure you understand anatomy.  At all.

Since you’re going with the more modern feathered version of the “Velociraptor,” let’s take a look at me as an example.

Here is a picture of a me from prom:

Look at how thin I was!

Now, how precisely do you shove that tail into a monkey’s mouth?

May’s POV

Yay!

*Eliza presses the button.  A detonation rocks the bunker*

That was my sequined TNT!

I was using my knife to fashion out a wooden spear, if I was going to have to

survive on this island until I was rescued; I had to have a weapon in case I

found myself alone.

You. Have. A. Gun!

Great, we get to see the exact same scene all over again.  If anyone needs a potty break, now is the time.

The alpha came to investigate; I warned him that if he wasn’t careful, he’d

be hurt.

When the beta screeched angrily, the whole pack seemed to converse. Finally,

something seemed decided. I went back to making my spear.

I would not have believed that the author could have taken the last section and made it even more vague and pointless.  But here I am, reading that very thing.  Let’s just skip ahead to the next time we see something new.  That takes us up to the hunt.

I tried to pull away, but he was stronger. Finally, I had to comply. I pushed

his tail out of my mouth and reluctantly grabbed my spear.

So, she couldn’t pull away until she was able to.  Author, you aren’t so good at the consistency thing.

The alpha raised his

head feathers, and the other male followed him. I tried to do so as well, but I

was grabbed and dragged back, and the female was going the other way.

Hey, plot, hands to yourself.  No grabbing at the characters!

I was

alone, with only a sharp wooden stick, and I was being forced to hunt.

And whose fault is only having a stick?  You had a perfectly good knife as well as a gun, and yet what do you carry with you?  A twig that’s sharp on one end.

Seth’s POV

HURRAY!

*Eliza presses a button.  After a short delay, a prolonged multi-part explosion rocks the bunker*

Nothing like a four-hundred charge cluster bomb filled with glitter and pink paint to make sub-level forty-six all pretty.

She finally seemed to get the idea. She forced my tail away, and grabbed

her spear. I used my head feathers to send Ellie off to the left side of the

herd. Then Austin and I went the other way.

Continuity, please!  In May’s viewpoint, the boys ran off first.

My female tried to follow, but I

pushed her back, and made sure she stayed before leaving with Austin.

So you want her to hunt by… standing there?  Seth, you are a terrible leader.  Not Buster-level terrible, but still pretty bad.

I

stationed Austin at the right side of the herd, and then made my way up to the

rear.

These are dinosaurs that have never been hunted before.  You might be over-thinking this plan.

Our strategy was to corral the herd and send them towards my human, where

she could throw her stick at them and hopefully hit one, and not me, Austin, or

Ellie, like I said, one could only hope.

That’s probably the absolute worst plan you could have come up with, sweetie.  Certainly it would be hard to find a plan more likely to fail than that one.  You basically put your untested human and her brand-new pointed stick at the crux of a hunting strategy critical to your survival.

You would have been better off breaking into the visitor’s center and rummaging through the galley.

May’s POV

*Eliza presses the button.  Nothing seems to happen*

Wait for it!

*A beam of plasma-based glitter strikes the bunker, coating the top with fabulousness*

That orbital glitter accelerator was worth every penny of Taco’s money!

I was not feeling good right now.

The fic has that effect.  Put your head between your knees and take deep breaths until the nausea subsides.  If that doesn’t work, you can find the brain bleach jacuzzi warming up in the lobby.

I was a shaking violently as I saw the Gallimimus seem to shy like horses,

backing away from the edges of the forest and screeching in panic.

Run away from the things we’ve never seen before!

And then,

they stampeded, they ran in all directions, but soon found themselves being

corralled towards me.

I am on the edge of my seat!  Mostly because my tail makes it very hard to use these dang monkey chairs.  I need to put an order in for a perch or stool or something.

I began to back away, before turning and running, the

human sized herbivores following in stampede.

To be honest, this is actually going better than I thought it would.

My life was about to be saved by Ingen’s incomplete project.

Well, so much for developing tension.

A black, two-legged dinosaur burst from the undergrowth just as I passed and

grabbed one of the Gallimimus, and the others turned and ran back towards the

three raptors, who turned and fled when the heavier animals came running back at

them.

Those PCC delivery boys have awesome timing.  Um, nobody tell Gumdrop that they have a paleontological neogenesis department.

Then there were two and a bloody carcass.

The bloody carcass is chasing the raptors!?  This turned into a zombie thriller much faster than expected.

The black dinosaur was a Charcharadontosaurus, a dinosaur that could rival

Tyrannosaurus.

Author, you need to even out your research a bit.  Next time you write a fic, extend your research a bit farther than obscure dinosaurs.  It is especially misplaced given that Carcharodontosaurus were not among the canonical dinosaur embryos on the Park Island.  Those would have been on the research island.

You may also wish to extend your research to include the correct spelling of Carcharodontosaurus as well.

It stared at me with piercing orange eyes, growling angrily and letting blood

and drool stain the earth under it.

Ma’am, you just made a kill.  Maybe you should keep your eye on the prize?

Then again, it turned into a zombie and ran off to chase the raptors, so she’s probably still hungry.

It wanted desert after the Gallimimus.

Would that be the Gallimimus that it hasn’t eaten yet?

It roared and charged at me, and I had one defense that might delay it.

The gun?  Please be the gun.  Can somebody please remember that there’s a gun!

I

threw the stick, and it landed in its shoulder.

*Sighs*

Can you just eat her, please?

It let out a loud roar and began to grab at the stick, giving me time to run

away.

It was then that I heard it roar again, I looked back to see it had my stick

in its jaws, and then I saw my stick broken in two and fall to the ground.

Fare thee well, sharpened stick.  Your appearance in the fic may have been pointless, but you certainly were not.

I then found myself against a large cliff, and before I’d be able to turn one

way or the other, the Carcharadontosaurus was about to grab me it its jaws.

I hate it when cliffs sneak up on me like that.

And then, another twist of events.

That would be author code for: “phone call to the PCC.”

There was a loud roar and the Carcharodontosaurus stopped an inch away from

grabbing me, and out of the trees burst the T-Rex, carrying half a Dilophosaurus

in his jaws.

*Gumdrop bursts through the wall waving his foam finger*

He has a kind of sixth sense for scenes involving Tyrannosaurs.

Both glared at each other.

So that’s why the T-Rex is here.  Obligatory staring match.

The Tyrannosaurus dropped his kill and the two

large carnivores roared before charging at each other and began to fight.

*Gumdrop furiously waves his foam finger*

I

began to crawl away, until I found a clawed foot in front of me, hooked claw

sticking into the air.

That sounds uncomfortable.

I slowly looked up and the alpha’s amber eyes were the first thing I could

see, seething with rage.

The transformation into Sorin is nearly finished, I see.  I’ll just check “Blaming others for the failure his terrible plans” off the list.

I began to crawl back to the multi-ton carnivores.

Eaten by a T-Rex or held under the abusive thrall of NouveauSorin?

*Gumdrop furriously waves his foam finger*

Yes, I agree.

I didn’t get far though when I was grabbed by the alpha and began to be

dragged away.

Sorry, sweetie, we were rooting for you.

Then, there was a crack, a wail of pain, and a large thud. The

alpha and I both looked up. The T-Rex had torn the Carcharo’s bottom jaw off, I

gagged.

*Gumdrop jumps from foot to foot while waving the finger around*

He really lives for these scenes.

While the T-Rex was distracted with its prize, feeding off of its larger

enemy, I was being dragged off.

I think it’s over, big guy.  Once again, the T-rex ends the scene on top.

*Gumdrop bursts through another portion of the wall as he happily stomps off*

Good thing some of the Darkwraiths are masons.

We returned to the nests, and a skeleton lay there.

See what happens when you keep failing to get food!?  That poor raptor starved to death and has wasted completely away!

The other four looked

content, but the alpha apparently hadn’t been able to eat.

Poor baby.

But the other four

seemed to feed on tension, as well as meat, because they shot up as they saw us

return.

They’re probably more worried about the potentially fatal backlash they’re about to face for eating before the alpha.

“S-Sorry.” I muttered. The alpha began to screech angrily, glaring at me.

Seth, your plan was horrible.  Stop trying to pass off the blame for his horrible plan.

It

was almost like I could understand. And if some words I were thinking about was

what he was really using, then his mouth was as dirty as the yellowed teeth

showed.

Holy moley, that has to be the most awkward way of implying that Seth is swearing in raptor.

After his tantrum, the subordinates cowered in their respective nests, and

when I approached the alpha, he would snap at me and hiss.

Tantrum is indeed the word.  What a conceited little thing he is.

I don’t know why, but I was heartbroken.

We don’t know why either.  The only thing you did was forget about your gun.  While that was a gaffe on your part, Seth should have taken your general uselessness into account when he came up with the “aim the stampede at the stick-wielding monkey” plan.

I turned and ran, and a tear

actually fell from my eye.

Hold on, I think I’m feeling something!

*Eliza’s stomach growls*

Yup, it’s lunch time!

Seth’s POV

*Eliza pushes the button.  A massive explosion in orbit fills Earth’s upper atmosphere with glitter, which starts to slowly rain down.*

The plan was working, but one of the creatures wasn’t writhing in pain

with the stick in their chest.

So, the plan was working with one small exception of it not working at all.

My human RAN!

It’s inconceivable that she wouldn’t want to be trampled under a stampede.

Ugh, more summary of stuff we’ve already been told about.

Yeah, that was kind of a massive miscalculation on your part.  Maybe you should rethink your position as leader.  You aren’t good at it.

I wasn’t happy at this and hurried forth to see what the problem was. Then

it happened. A large black thing burst out of the trees and grabbed one of the

yellow creatures. And the rest of the things turned and ran back towards Austin,

Ellie, and I. We screeched in fear and fled.

The raptors RAN!

“THEY’RE GOING TO CRUSH US!” Ellie yelled as they began to catch up.

Suck it up, Ellie.  You more than anyone should know the value of standing there and being crushed.

I made a daring decision.

Hand over the leadership to somebody with a modicum of intelligence?

I turned and leapt at the group, they turned and ran, except for one,

which I had pinned down and decapitated, swallowing the small head.

Hint hint: your plans should involve more of your pack using their natural weapons and less on monkeys holding sticks.

“You two

bring this back to the nests, I’ll get my human.” I said to Ellie and Austin,

before running off where the black creature appeared.

You might want to think of a better way to phrase that last bit, author.  Just saying.

After about ten minutes of searching.

I think you a lot of.

I found the green and black

creatures fighting each other, and my human crawling away. I stood in front of

her and glared. She looked up at me, and saw my anger. I grabbed her as she

began to walk back to the creatures, and dragged her to the nests.

By all rights this fic should be half the length by just getting rid of all the bits we see twice.  And if you got rid of all the pointless stuff, it wouldn’t exist at all.

When I arrived, my subordinates had already eaten. This only added on to

my rage.

Well, that’s understandable.  Eating before the pack alpha typically ends with a savage mauling.

When my human tried to apologize, I snapped. “Sorry? YOU’RE SORRY? BECAUSE OF YOU, WE ALMOST GOT CRUSHED, AND ON TOP OF THAT, I HARDLY GOT A BITE OFF OF THAT KILL! AND YOU THINK SORRY WILL CUT IT?” That was the beginning.

And whose stupid plan was it in the first place there, kiddo?  Part of being a good leader is knowing the capabilities of your team.  Since you’re not a good leader it follows that your fundamentally awful plans will be prone to failure.  Not to mention a preponderance of injury and death.  So, snowflake, the only one to blame here is you.  If you can’t handle the responsibility and culpability of being the leader, you should hand the reigns over to somebody more suited.  Such as that pile of dung over there.

A while later, after much ranting and foul words, I curled up in my nest

and glared at the ground, my subordinates cowered. They knew that rant was first

of two, the second was directed towards them for not listening to my law, which

was: Don’t eat without saving some for the alpha.

Which is enforced by petulant pouting after a tantrum if they dare break that law.  No wonder you have no credibility as their alpha.

Where’s the B-squad raptors?  I’d rather be reading about them.

When my human approached, I hissed and bit at her, and the pain was evident, she turned and ran soon after. I growled and lay back down. I closed my eyes and I was asleep, unknown of the approaching danger.

Dear heart, that is not how you write a cliffhanger.  At best that’s a cheap bid for tension.

With this chapter I think the transformation from Seth into Nouveau Sorin is now complete.  It was inevitable, but I think we were all hoping Seth would hold out just a little longer.

We finish up the chapter with an author’s note.  Those are always delightful.

(Seth takes May on a hunt, they fail, and Seth rants at her, which is nothing

but barks and chirps and growls and hisses to May. And she runs off.

So, not satisfied to tell us about the scene twice, now we get a summary.  Author, be honest, you have no idea what you’re doing, do you?

What’s the

danger?

Why is this suddenly being narrated like a 1940’s cinematic serial?

Will Seth figure out and save May in time?

The level of tension surrounding this undefined danger has lowered from “plaintive mewling” to “quietly sobbing.”

You’ll figure out in the next

chapter.)/P

The real challenge will be to care about it.

And with that, my side of the bet is now fulfilled.  Join us next week as Taco is forced back into the pilot seat.  Until then, my lovely patrons!

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