822: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fourteen

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Whew, only three more chapters to go.  Unfortunately one of those is a herculean chapter that takes up like a quarter of the entire word count of the fic.  That’s going to take a few weeks to get through.

Let’s see here, last time yet another Awesome McEvil joined Buster’s dark alliance.  This time he added an unstable necromancer with a stockpile of nukes to his roster.  Hooray and stuff.  There’s a party where Saburi acts all blood-thirsty and then it ends.

Once again joining me this week is Swe-  Crunchy, why are you in Swenia’s comfy chair?

“She is quite indisposed this week and asked me to fill in so you have some companionship.”

Indisposed?  What’s she doing?

“Female things.  Things beyond the understanding of those of our gender.”

I see.  And you sitting over there rather than in the co-riffing seat?

“Swenia was correct about this chair.  It is supernaturally comfortable.”

Huh.  Anyway, let’s see what we have waiting for us in chapter fourteen!

Chapter 14

Sereina’s Birth & The Power of Electro Officer

Electro Officer!?

“I have a suspicion that this chapter is going to be powerfully stupid.”

I’m having problems imagining how it’s not going to be stupid with a title like that.

Outlands

In a dimly lit hallway, Buster waited for the birth of his second cub to accrue while he waited in the waiting room of the Outland Infirmary.

Accrue?  So, he really does think of his family in monetary terms.  Truly the very picture of a caring family man.

“Well, you monkeys do say that your younglings mature as they get older.”

…

Point taken.

Buster was kind of tiered when Zira woke him up early in the morning complaining about stomach pains.

Calling labor “stomach pains” is like calling an arm amputation “shoulder discomfort.”

But Buster knew what was happening.

No!  Really!?  A pregnant woman with stomach pain… and you think it means something!? Tell us your insight into this enigmatic matter, Doctor Buster!

Later that morning as Buster was driving Zira to the hospital; he saw a lion he had never seen before in a dark gray metallic suite.

Wow, they have really strange hotel rooms in the outlands.

Buster was tempted to pull over, but Zira moaned the second he decreased the gas.

Your wife is in labor!  Don’t slow down, idiot!

Buster now reading a newspaper,

Keep your eyes on the fucking road, asshole!

found him self trailing back to the lion he saw earlier that morning.

Oh, it was a time squiggle.  Never mind.

 “Sire, you have a healthy girl” The doctor reported as he came out of the room with some blood soaked towels.

Dude, fresh towels before you leave the birthing room!  Have you never heard of bodily fluid containment procedures!?  This is how hospital-aquired infections became such a problem in the first place!

Also, while there is a modest amount of blood during a birth, there shouldn’t be enough to soak several towels without there having been severe complications.  If I were Buster, I’d been inquiring whether or not Zira survived.

 “Uh? What? Oh, I have a girl?” Buster stuttered as he looked from the newspaper.

Buster finds the birth of his daughter to be mostly an afterthought?  I really wish I were surprised.

“In Buster’s world, female children are the least important, if at all.”

“Yes sire, you have a little girl. Zira is asking for you,” the doctor said as he dropped the towels down the laundry shout.

I’m torn between being aghast at the possibility that there was a baby in those towels, and thinking that it would be better off raised by the laundry gnomes that live in the hospital basement.

“Wait, why is the doctor cleaning up those towels himself?  And why is there a laundry shoot in the hallway?”

Buster got up and went into the room. There he saw Zira holding a girl cub that looked a lot like him self.

Poor girl looks like a nondescript adult male lion.

“Is that my little one?

“Nope, came with my lunch.”

What’s her name?” Buster asked.

Because it would have been too much of a hassle to have figured this out between the two of you prior to the birth.

“It is a girl.  The baby is lucky that Buster even cares what her name is.”

Zira looked up into her Mates eyes and then leaned closer to kiss him. Buster and Zira kissed a few seconds then; Zira laid back and held her new born close to her chest.

Uhh… Zira, are you going to answer the question?

“I want you to name her Buster” Zira replied sleepily.

Oh HELL no!  We don’t need two of them!

“That strikes me as a horrible enough name for a male, but to give such to a female is near an act of cruelty as you can accomplish with a name.  I am heavily tempted to unleash the gong launcher on the both of them.”

I thought Eliza took ownership of it?

“She is busy today.”

I see.

So, at this point, I assume Buster names the kid  Sereina, as so masterfully foreshadowed by the chapter’s title.

“Well how’s the name Sereina?” Buster asked.

Fucking awful.  First, it’s just the name Serena with an extra letter thrown in to make sound worse, and second the name is not Swahili, it’s Latin.  Crunchy, come up with something better.

“Makini is the Swahili word for peaceful.”

There we go.  So, to catch everyone up, the cubs’ names in this fic map to the better versions as follows:

Kisu – Dagger

Chale – Jester (also known as sir not appearing in this fic)

Saburi – Paxton

Makini – Sereina

I’m not bothering to do the other OCs because, frankly, I don’t actually care that much.

 “Hummm. What? Sereina you say?” Zira asked.

I’m going to give Zira a pass on being all spacey right now.  She did just give birth.

Buster nodded and then put his left paw over Zira’s folded paws and kissed her gently on her lips. “It’s a good name Buster, hummmm. Can I rest now, Doctor?” Zira quietly spoke.

Translation: Yeah, fine, whatever, dear.  Can I sleep now?  You can name her whatever you want, just let me take a nap.

“Is that actually a typical response of a mother after a birth?”

More accurate than you know.

“Hum? Oh yes you can rest now Zira” The doctor replied in his low raspy voice.

Guys, seriously, you’re here for the birth.  Can we all fucking focus for a few minutes!?

“I’ll come and pick you up later today, Zira. Is that ok?” Buster asked whispering in Zira’s ear.

With that much blood on the towels, you should probably be asking the doctor if he’s even going to discharge her today or keep her around for observation.

Zira just slowly and lazily nodded her head and then started to snore quietly.

Hey look, something reasonable!  That almost never happens in this fic.

Buster shook the doctor’s paw and hugged him. “Hey! I don’t hug Sire” The doctor snapped quietly.

This is probably why the doctor usually vanishes within fifteen minutes of the baby being delivered.  Cuts down on the hugs.

 “Oh sorry, I remember that the only thing you loved was taken away from you. Sorry” Buster quickly said.

Why the fuck are we getting sudden exposition on the past of unnamed doctor?

“I think we should probably hope that it was not buster who took the loved thing away from the doctor.”

I stopped daring to hope for those kinds of things about 13 chapters ago.

Buster left and went down the hallway to his service elevator to meet Radon who was concerned about the cub that Swenia gave birth to in the OPMC mining prison.

WHAT!  YOU SENT A PREGNANT WOMAN TO A MINING PRISON!?  YOU FUCKING HEINOUS DOUCHEBAG!

You are easily the worst person I have ever encountered in a fic.  You tell a woman who is 8ish months pregnant that you are going to force her away from her mate and have her raped in the name of racial purity.  When she takes that news badly and says she’s going to run away with her mate, you tell that same pregnant woman that you’ll have her incarcerated for refusing to submit to the rape.   Then, when she pulls a knife on you, an understandable reaction, you beat her up, handcuff her, assault her, and then send the same pregnant woman to a labor camp!  There is just no word to describe what a horrible person you are, Buster.  I had thought the comparison to Hitler would be jumping the gun… but you’re really making it hard not to make that comparison.

It’s a damn good thing we got her out-

Crunchy.

“Yes, Taco.”

What, exactly, is Swenia doing today.

“I promised not to tell.”

You have my word that I won’t be mad.

“Well, she might, and I emphasize might, be giving birth.”

I see, I see.  And Eliza?

“Well, as luck would have it, Eliza is a fully trained midwife.”

Very lucky indeed.  So, just when were the two of you going to tell me that she was pregnant?

“Either when you got to this point in the fic, or when you noticed her carrying a cub around.  It was Eliza’s idea.  She thought you might try to put Swenia back into the fic if you found out she was pregnant.  The father is still in the fic after all. Even if he is entirely unfit to be such and the child would be better off raised by the crew here.”

Subtle, Crunchy. I see Eliza still holding that whole, “Put her back in Raptor and I,” thing against me.  Well, this certainly… complicates things.  I’ll have to decide what to do with the three… err… four of you later.

“I think we should keep them.”

Yes, Crunchy, I got that.

s the door opened, Dekengeo greeted Buster. “Good morning sir. Why are you up at this time of day?” Dekengeo asked while rubbing his left shoulder and downing the last of his coffee. “Umm. Zira gave birth to Sereina” Dekengeo looked up from his coffee and then extended his paw to shake Buster’s. “Congratulation sir. A girl huh?” Dekengeo asked with a small smile on his face. “Yep, and she looks a lot like me” Buster replied. The elevator came to a stop and Buster walked out and headed to his office were Radon waited.

It’s amazing that Vic can take a moment that should be so important to a character, and make it so entirely disinteresting to the audience.  I can just feel the apathy oozing off this thing.

Buster stepped into his office and then he sat down. “Good morning Radon, the cubs name is Tana. He was born to days ago” Buster said as he sat down in his chair.

And that’s how you break that news?

So far as the name, eh, could go either way.  The only reference to Tana I could find with Swahili origin is the Tana river in Kenya.  It might mean “to cut” or “to cleave” but I’m having trouble verifying that translation.  It might also mean “bunch of bananas” so I’m thinking we’ll let Swenia pick something better and more meaningful.  My guess is buster picked that one for her as part of her sentence.

“It’s a boy then?” Radon asked. “Yes it is” Buster replied drinking a warm cup of coffee. “Swenia is said to be fine” Buster finished off.

You know, as fine as a pregnant woman can be in a fucking MINING PRISON, you gigantic bag of ass.

“It strikes me that Radon is rather unfit to be a father.  He has shown startlingly little concern that his pregnant wife was sentenced to hard labor during the final trimester.”

I get it, Crunchy.  You can stop belaboring the point.

“What I can’t even go and see her and my cub!?” Radon yelled out.

And a full month later, Radon finally protests his wife’s incarceration.  What a worthless guy.

“Now Radon, you have never made a show of anger in my presence before

AND THAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM!  SWEET ARMORY JESUS, MAN!  Your 8-months-pregnant wife gets into a knife-fight with the dude who wants to have her raped for the good of lion purity, and you stand there like a soggy lemon.  I’m not saying you need to be “that man,” but at least help her fight off the psychotic dictator who is trying to harm her!  She’s way better off being as far from you as possible.

“Ahem.”

Yeah, yeah. You made your point.

 but I’m tired of it already as Zira just had my second this morning” Buster quickly snapped back.

Yeah, the gods forbid you show any compassion for a man who has been forbidden to see his baby on the same day that you have a new baby to celebrate.  You egotistical pile of rectal discharge.

“It is endearing how wearied Buster is by all the work he had to do during that birth.  I am positive that driving to the hospital, reading a newspaper, and then sharing two lines of dialogue made for positively dreadful morning.”

Radon hastily left Buster’s office and left the compound.

Bye, bye lemon-man.  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass as you leave the fic!

Later that Day/ Outland Military Compound Buster had assembled the elite members of the OSS and a few Wolves from the Dorgana Pack to present Tesren with the position of Wolf Electro Officer.

“Oh good, we have arrived at the stupid part!”

Hate to break it to you, but the stupid part started at the beginning of chapter 1.

 This position in the outlands was the most horned position a wolf could have.

Which is why we’re first hearing about it two chapters from the end of the fic.

“Well, Vic did indicate that it is the highest position a wolf can aspire to.   You will notice how he singled out the wolf race as having a different level of potential accomplishment as compared to lions.  That more than implies a certain degree of reduced citizenship; essentially they are second-class citizens.  Given the heavy racism of Buster’s empire, I would say it is safe to assume that any important position for a wolf would be held far below even a Lion boot-black. ”

How is it that you can make this horrible empire seem even ickier by pointing out the subtle depth of the casual racism?

“Talent.”

Tesren was knelt before Buster and as Buster was about to give Tesren the medals, Arin, his older brother drove a tank into the hallway.

Dude, the tank valet is in the pull-through, not the lobby.

“Surely this unstable psychopath who thinks driving a tank into a building will be a great asset to the empire.”

I bet he will, and don’t call me Shirley.

Arin got out in front of the stage and walked up the stairs.

Where he was promptly tackled by Buster’s personal guard.  You know, because he just drove a FUCKING TANK into the middle of a ceremony.

Tesren looked down at him in disgust.

And finally, we can see the proper response.  Well, sorta.  Running in terror as the tank comes blasting into the foyer would be the actual proper response, but I’ll take disgust as a close second.

Arin continued to walk up the stairs and when he reached the top end, he pushed Tesren aside and took the medals from Buster’s paws and Buster allowed it.

Told you that the two of them would get on famously;  they’re essentially the same character after all.  The only real difference is that one’s a necromancer.

Arin walked back to the tank and before he got in, he tipped his hat at Ursula who was standing with Tesren. She looked at him and then he nodded and hoped into the tank and took off.

You know what, fuck it, I’m rooting for the International Nazis.  They’re the only ones in this fic who haven’t actually done anything wrong at this point, in fact, they’ve done the only good thing we’ve seen!  Not even the empire can claim the same, at best they’ve done nothing, at worst they’ve somehow unleashed a 75% crime-rate on the US.  By comparison, the IN has done only one thing: declare war on Buster, Arin, and the wolves; which is actually laudable at this point.  Hell, Arin has a factory that is producing WMDs.  For all we know, the IN was trying to stop him from nuking the world, which is something an unstable asshole like him might actually do just to watch it all burn!

It’s fucking come to this.  Somebody wrote a fic where the Nazis are the good guys by default.  A feat made all the more staggering because Vic wasn’t actually trying to make them the good guys.

United Omega

Oh great, not only does he barge in and steal Tesren’s thunder, but he also snatched the point of view.

When Arin returned to home, he walked gingerly and slowly to his office that had served as his bedroom.

If there’s one thing I’ve always said, it’s that tank chairs have poor lumbar support.

He then sat down and looked at the clock on the far side of the office. “Bed time, eh? Oh I guess I need my sleep” Arin said taking his coat off and laid it on the back of his leather chair.

Arin follows a strict bedtime?  What a badass…

He then took off his pants and put them on his desk.

Correction, what a slovenly badass.

Arin walked to the other side of the room in nothing but his underwear.

And fur.  Don’t forget the copious amounts of fur that wolves have.

“Maybe the cyborg-necromancy transformation requires that the subject be completely shaved.”

Well, there’s an image.

He garbed a hook in the side of the wall and yanked on it to pull down a metal door. He then reached in side and pulled out a cot.

Dude, cots fold up.  You don’t really need an outrageously impractical closet just to hold one.

Arin slowly crawled under the covers and fell asleep with Ursula on his mind.

Glad to see that the fic is going to go there.  For a brief glimmer of an instant I thought that maybe this whole romance… thing might be dropped, but I see I was wrong.

“It is not nice of you to lie to the audience.”

Fine, I knew that we were going to get this stupid Tesren, Arin, Ursula love triangle.  It was stupid when I saw it coming, and it’s even more stupid now that we’re here.  Happy?

“Of course not, I am stuck here reading the fic with you.”

Touché.

Outlands

Can we cut to president goofy or something instead of back to Buster?

The next morning was like any other but today, Buster was caring for Zira as she gave birth to their second the day before.

The fuck!?  What-  that’s-  what?

“It is really easy, Taco.  Today is exactly like every other day except that it is not like them at all.  It is unlike them because Buster was caring for Zira yesterday during the birth.”

THAT’S NOT HELPING!

As Buster was kissing and hugging Zira and Sereina a lot, Dagger was watching TV.

Buster, maybe give just a little more space to the tired woman and the newborn.  Just a thought.

Buster broke into the living room and shut off the TV when one of the lions on some show cussed. “Hey! I was watching that!” Dagger protested as he stood up. “Nope, they cussed, they go off” Buster said looking down at his son.

Really, that’s a problem?  Let’s go back a few chapters and snag a quote or two shall we.

“What the hell! Come here you little shit storm!”

“Dagger! Get your ass out here!”

“Shit you Dagger!”

The best part about inconsistent parenting is the confusing message it teaches the child.  Luckily kids aren’t smart enough to pick up on easily understood things like hypocrisy.

“But you watch it!” Dagger yelled as he fished for the remote in the cracks of the couch.

As I said, kids are really clueless and don’t notice any hypocrisy in their parents’ actions.

“Keep your voice down, boy or I’ll have to kick your ass” Buster threateningly said in a low voice.

Thanks for driving my point home, Buster.

Dagger turned around and walked to his mother holding Sereina. “Damn you! You make my life such a freagin Nightmare Sereina!” Dagger yelled in his day old sister’s face.

And this is what you have taught your son.  And you still decided to breed again.  I feel really, really sorry for Makini.  It might be kinda too late for Kisu now, though. I think he’s already destined to repeat the cycle at this point.

“That’s it Dagger, Go to your room, this instant!” Zira snapped back.

Hey look, a punishment that matches the infraction.  Never thought I’d see one of those in this fic.  Probably didn’t beat on him because she was holding the baby and didn’t have a free hand.

“To hell with you! Shit on my room!” Dagger yelled storming out into the hallway.

It’s so, so weird that these scenes of domestic turmoil actually make sense.  It’s the only thing that’s been written logically in this whole damn fic.  Two abusive parents raise a child who becomes unruly because he has no moral compass due to how inconsistent and half-assed his upbringing is.  The consistency would almost be worth a redemption point, but I’ve read ahead and I KNOW that it does not merit one.  We’ll get to that in the next two chapters.

Zira sat there with a dazed look on her face when Buster started to get pissed off. “Get back here boy!” Buster yelled. “Kiss a dead warthogs ass father” Dagger said aloud.

Run, kid!  If you can make it to the border I bet the IN would be happy to have you on their side!

Why you little piece of shit, get back here before I kick your ass into oblivion!” Buster yelled as he stood with Zira.

*Turns the fic off*

That’s it, Crunchy, no more of this fic for you.  They’re cussing.  We’ll just have to find a different one for nex-

*BZZT*

“Nice try, Taco.”

Was worth a shot.

“SLAM!!!!” The door shut with enough force. “Let him go, Buster” Zira said putting her paw on his left shoulder.

Ahh yes, marvelous, marvelous inconsistency.  Then again, maybe Zira suddenly realized what shitty parents they are and agrees with Kisu’s opinion of them.

Anyway, with that chapter fourteen comes to a close.  Unfortunately, despite only having 2 chapters left, they account for a full 1/3 of the fic, so we’ll be splitting those up.  Chapter 16 especially will get lopped into quite a few pieces.

Until then, I’ve been Taco and this has been Crunchy.

“I reiterate, Radon is not somebody that-”

I GET IT!

And before anyone asks, yes the Star Wars is coming.  Not for a few weeks, but it’s coming.  Until next time, patrons!

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