861: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Three

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Whew!  We’re finally here, folks, the last installment of A Jedi’s Destiny.  A fic so bad that… you know what, it’s just bad.  Really, really bad.  With me again this week for the last time is Swenia!

“Hello, patrons, good to-  Last time?  What’s the deal with that?”

I talked it over with the raptors and we decided that since the fic is ending this week, it should be safe to put you back in it!

[SCENE REDACTED DUE TO EXTREME VIOLENCE]

*Taco walks into the room wearing a Betty Boop outfit*

Jeez, it was a joke!

“So was mauling you.”

Cheeky lion.

Anyway, last time on Jedi’s Destiny there was stupid.  So much stupid.

*Taco starts rocking back and forth*

“Don’t worry about him, he gets this way when thinking about the fic.  Last week Presidenty Goofy, who was apparently Mark Hamill-”

YARG! THE STUPID!

“Ahem, the president was betrayed by Kahn whose name was actually something else.  Apparently there was some pressing need to disguise his identity despite that identity being entirely unknown.   Anyway, Kahn kills the president and then storms the US Archives, which is home to a modest sized fleet of Imperial ships.”

WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME, YE GODS OF LITERATURE!?

“Dude, chill.  Meanwhile Buster suddenly becomes both force sensitive and a Jedi Knight in the space of about six sentences.  Luckily the SQDF barfs up a great uncle to train him in the ways of the force. Around this same time, the PCC finishes Buster’s backstory and crams it into the fic.  It mostly  has to do with a father who was a Jedi-master descended from a long line of once-human Jedi who came to Earth and were turned into lions through the magic of radiant heat.”

THE STUPID!  IT BURNS!

“Buster trains a bit, luckily sans-montage, before the scene finally peters out.  Now if you’ll permit me, Taco needs to be reset before we can get started.”

“Let’s see here, not too much and not too little…”

*GONG*

“Better?”

Much.  Let’s see what we’re in store for this week. Read the rest of this entry »


854: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Welcome back to the home stretch of A Jedi’s Destiny, the fic that dares try to answer the question: How villainous can an author make their protagonist?  Once again, I’ve got Swenia sitting co-pilot.

“It’s like you take some kind of perverse delight in preventing me from getting a nap.”

You’re not wrong about that.  Anyway, last time there were space shenanigans.  There’s really no other way to put it.  Buster and Professor X pull a space-program out of their shared endless anal pouch of holding in all of three days, fly very, very slowly up into space, find that the IN is already colonizing space, and then head for home.

“Wasn’t there also something about the aristocracy of the UO fleeing to a city on top of a mountain?”

Yeah, but it’s not important.  In fact, it’s never mentioned again in the fic.

“WHAT!?”

Welcome to bad fanfiction.

Read the rest of this entry »


848: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part One

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Welp, now we’re in for it; the behemouth chapter starts this week and it’s such a train-wreck of fail that you’ll all be chugging brain bleach by the vat once we’re finally done.

“You make it sound so good.”

Once again I managed to snag Swenia for some assistance.  How’s Jiwe?

“Still a baby.  I convinced Eliza to baby-sit so I could take a break.  Unfortunately that’s when you found me and dragged me in here.”

Misery loves company, which is fitting given what we’re in for.

“Goody.”

Let’s see, last time we finished up with the attack on Arin’s base which decimated his lines to the point of collapse.  Eventually, Arin ordered his tanks into the battle. Said tanks steamrolled the enemy without any losses, essentially making all the dead soldiers the result of Arin’s shoddy leadership.  At the very end of the chapter Arin and Ursula wax “haz teh sadz” for a while over a random dead soldier.  And rightly so, because his death was their fault.  That leads us into chapter sixteen.

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842: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part Three

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

*Taco and Swenia drag themselves into the snark booth and drop into their chairs.  They spend a few minutes staring at the screen blankly.*

“I have a baby, what’s your excuse?”

Teething toddler.  Just think, you get to look forward to that in a year or two.

“Oh, goody.”

Let’s see, last time we had a stupid battle were soldiers were using laser sights.  While this is going on Arin takes Ursula home, they have dinner, then retreat to his office to have sex.

“Poor girl is going to get a stapler stuck in an orifice.”

Meanwhile, Buster and fam have an extremely forced and wooden Tender Moment™ in a bid to try to win some sympathy from the audience.  That’s pretty much where we left off.

On another note, did you ever pick a name, Swenia?

“I rather liked the mining-based name idea, so I went with Jiwe.”

Jiwe… you named your kid ‘rock?’

“Well, the meaning is more general. More literally “stone” than rock, but essentially… yes.”

Huh.  Dwayne Johnson would be proud.

“Who?”

Read the rest of this entry »


836: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, patrons!  It’s going to be a bit of short one this week.  There’s just a little too much chapter left for me to want to do it all at once, but not enough to make a post of the length that I normally aim for, so I’ll just split what’s left down the middle and deal with smaller posts.  It’s actually fairly well timed, since the next two weeks are lining up to be rather busy for me anyway.   I also gave Swenia the day off.  Mostly because she threatened my life when I tried to wake her up while the cub was napping.  We’ll have to wait until next week to find out what she decided to name him.

Let’s see, last time stuff happened.

What?  You want more than that?  Fine.

So, it turns out that the IN managed to gain control of a large contingent of Arin’s super-soldiers and have turned them into an elite strike force.  Arin catches wind of this, begs Buster for help, then drops everything so he can go and make an over-elaborate request for sex from Ursula.  That’s actually pretty much it.  There were also a bunch of lions, wolves, and humans having sex all over every surface.  Not sure why, but Swenia’s theory is that everyone is in heat.  Sure, I’ll roll with that.

Read the rest of this entry »


829: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part One

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, people!

Today we start in on the big chapters.  Chapter 15 is going to take at least two weeks, but probably three, and chapter 16 is going to take no less than four.  These are some huge chapters; between them, they make up a full third of the fic.  So it’s gonna be a bit of a haul.

Let’s see, last chapter Zira gave birth to Makini, the latest doomed child in their family.  Meanwhile, Swenia gave birth to a cub of her own.  While ostensibly in a mining prison.  I’m not going to dwell on that too much because it makes me angry.  From there, not much else happened.  There was some kind of ceremony that Arin crashed and then stole the honors at.  Then, he went home and masturbated himself to sleep while thinking about an old ex.

Pretty sure that’s all that happened in the last chapter.  If not, then I’m glad I’ve forgotten about it.

Speaking of Swenia, how’s the chair back there?

“Still comfy.”

And the larva?

“Sleeping.  And he’ll be doing better than you’ll be doing if you keep calling him that.”

Somebody’s grumpy this morning.  Long night?

“Oh go fuck yourself, Taco.  You have two larva of your own, so you know damn well how my night went.  You can go ahead and wipe that self-satisfied smirk off your face.”

What!? I’m not sm-

*GONG*

I’m ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille!  I’m gonna be big in show biz!

*GONG*

I think I’m okay now.  Let’s dive into this thing!

Read the rest of this entry »


822: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fourteen

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Whew, only three more chapters to go.  Unfortunately one of those is a herculean chapter that takes up like a quarter of the entire word count of the fic.  That’s going to take a few weeks to get through.

Let’s see here, last time yet another Awesome McEvil joined Buster’s dark alliance.  This time he added an unstable necromancer with a stockpile of nukes to his roster.  Hooray and stuff.  There’s a party where Saburi acts all blood-thirsty and then it ends.

Once again joining me this week is Swe-  Crunchy, why are you in Swenia’s comfy chair?

“She is quite indisposed this week and asked me to fill in so you have some companionship.”

Indisposed?  What’s she doing?

“Female things.  Things beyond the understanding of those of our gender.”

I see.  And you sitting over there rather than in the co-riffing seat?

“Swenia was correct about this chair.  It is supernaturally comfortable.”

Huh.  Anyway, let’s see what we have waiting for us in chapter fourteen! Read the rest of this entry »