753: My Immortal – Chapter Thirty-Four and Thirty-Five

Title: My Immortal
Author: Tara (reposted by the lovely internet trolls)
Media: Book / Movie
Topic:  Harry Potter
Genre: Romance / angst
URL:  My Immortal – Chapter 34 and 35
Critiqued by Lyle

*peeks out from under her desk*

Do I have to?  Really?  Can’t we just be like “Sorry, this fic is gone from the internets forever!”?  No?  Fine.

*crawls out from under the desk and flops into her chair*  Let’s get this over with.

Last time on My Immortal, Ebony somehow managed to go back in time through a penseive, even though that’s not how that works.  She meets Tom Riddle almost immediately, although he calls himself Satan because GOFF.  He claims that’s his middle name, but that throws off the whole “I am Lord Voldemort” being a rearrangement of his full name of “Tom Marvolo Riddle.”  They do some jazz hands, talk cryptically about companies that don’t exist in England, and time-squiggle the fuck out of just about everything.  Then Ebony falls through a random trap door and ends up back in her own time.  Dumbledore is inexplicably there and Professor Sinister comes in crying about how she’s addicted to either Veritaserum or Voldemortserum.  I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be the former but misspelled as the latter, or if it’s supposed to be a different type of serum that Tara has invented for [purpose.]

In chapter 33, Sinister rejects the idea of going to Saint Chiquita Banana for treatment and Ebony wanders off with Draco to have a very awkward conversation about how far she has or intends to go with Voldemort in her attempts to seduce him.  Draco surprises Ebony by showing her Lupin and Snape getting poked by Sirius then they went back to her room.  Ebony and Draco got dressed in order to undress each other.  Sex happens and then Draco belches on her.

Fun!

Chapter 34.

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1

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Unfortunately, yes.  I have read the story.  The things I go through for my loyal library patrons.

I wook up in da coffin de next day.

Wook?  *googles*  Essentially… a hippie.  That’s a change of pace for Ebony the Goffik.

Draco waz gone. I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees.

If your corset comes up to your knees, you’re wearing it wrong.

There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth.

*facepalm*  Must she reference whatever movie she’s seen most recently?

I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly…………………. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.

*blinks a few times then grabs a sheet of paper and some markers.  Scribbles a bit then takes it to the front door of the library, taping it up*

“Please do not hump our door for entrance.  Thanks! ~Management~”

Just in case this is a common thing… can’t be too certain these days.

“Hi Ibony.” he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor’s office.”

“Ok.” I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway.

You’re sad you have to go see your favorite teacher?  You do remember that you have a super special mission you’re supposed to be accomplishing, right?  I suppose she could be sad because she doesn’t want to go boink Voldemort and heading to Sinister’s office means she’s got to go work on the seduction thing.

“So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?” I asked Sorious flirtily.

You’re flirting with the god-father of your boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend, whom you’ve also made out with periodically and attempted to sleep with.  I don’t call people skanks often, but you deserve this one, Ebony.  Keep it in your pants, damn it!

“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”

Gesundheit.

I laughed evilly.

I love how Tara’s “protagonists” are walking contradictions.  They are into the dark and occult.  They worship Satan (kind of).  They’re into trying to kill themselves and they enjoy torturing people.  But they torture these people because they’re supposedly pedophiles, which they see as bad people.  Did Tara not see how utterly hypocritical this entire thing is?

“Where r Draco and Vampira?” I muttered.

“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily. “Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas.”

At this rate I’m going to run out of spit-take images…

Of all the misspellings of Sirius’ name, that one takes the cake.

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic

( http/

The link was apparently either never entered, deleted as FF.net has never allowed links in the text of fics, or lost to time.  But considering how much frigging wardrobe PRON there is in this fic, I can guess what it looks like.  Black. Ripped.  Gothic.  That’s pretty straight forward, even without a picture.

She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.

Of course she was.  We’ve already established that she’s an addict.  I’m still not entirely certain if Voldemortserum is supposed to be the same as Veritaserum but I don’t suppose it really matters.  If it is truth serum, what’s the worst that can happen by drinking it all the time?  Heaven forbid you become brutally honest with people!

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

Wearing a time-turner while standing in a penseive will not make you go back in time.  Where’s the dead horse I’ve  been beating?  It needs couple more whacks.  *hefts bat*

“Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited.” she said sadly. “Good luck. Fangz!”

*snatches away the vial*  Getting rid of your stash would be a good first step.

And then……….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around……………I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula.

You just suddenly appeared with a spoon in your hand?  That’s an oddly specific way to poof into existence.  Don’t you think the others around you would notice your sudden appearance?  Since apparation is blocked inside Hogwarts, this would look very suspicious for you.

It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes.

Why is he standing on the table?  Get off of there, people are trying to eat their breakfast!

He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed……he was drinking a portent.

*opens the Dictionary*

Portent: a sign or warning that something, especially something momentous or calamitous, is likely to happen.

This entire fic is calamitous.

“Whose he!11” I asked.

“Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn.” Satan said. “He’s da Portents teacher…………..Ebony?”

*faceplant*

Is commenting on his mother really necessary?

“Yah?” I asked.

“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat.”

Which exercise?  Oooh, I do hope it’s pilates!  Watching those ladies stretch… rawr!

I have the unfortunate Sue-trait of being too clumsy to pull this off.

“Yah?”

“Well……want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?”

That humdinger of a cliffhanger ends chapter thirty-four.  Let’s move on, shall we?  Thirty-five is one of her longer chapters so hang in there.  If we stay together, we’ll make it.  Group hug!

Chapter 35. gost of u

I still can’t figure out what exactly GOST is.  Documentation regulations, maybe?

AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!

YAY!

111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.

His name is Sirius Black.  How much more gothic do you need his name to be?!

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I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped………………..Draco wuz there!111

Are we still in Fuckered-up Ye Olden Times?  Or are we back in the Now-a-days?  That’s a fairly important bit of information we need.  Did Draco go spelunking in the penseive, too?

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

Draco?

“Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111” I gosped.

Standing in the common room pretending to be housing, hur dur dur.  Seriously, Ebony, pay attention.

“Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.

*blink blink*  When did he ever not have two arms?!  Did I miss something in all this inane babble I’ve been reading?

“Oh hi Lucian!1” I sed. “Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz.”

Ignoring that the quotation marks are the in wrong place, you’re not going to jazz-hands-greet him?  I’m disappointed.

“Yah Satan told me abot you.” Lusian said.

Although this is heavily time-squiggly to begin with, I’d like to point out that Lucius and Voldemort were never at Hogwarts at the same time.  Voldemort would have graduated in 1944, assuming he started when he was 11 and graduated when he was 18.  Lucius Malfoy was born in 1954, ten years after Voldemort graduated.  It would be another eleven years before Lucius started at Hogwarts as a first year.

He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz.

He did what to them?

They where siting in a corner kutting.

They were doing what?  I’d like to think that’s a misspelling of knitting.

Google, I love you.

It wuz Serious, Vampire’s dad and………………Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. “Lizzen I’m in a goth band wif those guys.” he said. “Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.

Because Manson would much rather have a group of ameteur kids playing his backup than, you know, his own fucking band.  Keep your wet dreams to yourself, Tara.

At least he has Snape, Sirius, and “Vampire’s Dad” (I’ll help you out here, Tara.  His name was James) at school at the same time as Lucius.  The only problem is that James Potter, Severus Snape, and Sirius Black are all 6 years younger than Lucius Malfoy.  So he’s a seventeen-year-old in a band with eleven-year-olds.

“ORLY.” I ESKED.

Take your hand out of your mouth before talking, Ebony.

“Yeah.” he said. “Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him.

*glances at the script*  That part of Sirius will be played by Tom Everett Scott.  *raises eyebrow*

(Around time 0:50 for those wanting to fast forward.)

“Snap plays the boss.

And it’s gotten him a nice promotion.

And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”

I’m sorry, but no.  Adding an O to the end of a feminine name does not automatically make it a boy’s name that has anything to do with the original girl’s name.

“Hey bastards.” I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. Suddenly I gasped again. “But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.

They’re playing backup for Marylin Manson.  HE’S THE BLOODY LEAD SINGER, YOU DIPSHIT.

“We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists.”

“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.

“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Samaro said.

*facepalm*

Yeah, our friend killing herself isn’t nearly as pressing an issue as needing a good laugh.

“Wel………..I said Im in a bnad myself.”

No, you haven’t mentioned that yet, actually.

“Rilly?” asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111

Have you seen him?  He hasn’t really un-gothed.

“Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?”

NO.

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.

“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.

I’m gasping for breath between the hurls coming up from my stomach.

“Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.

“Um…….ok.” I shrugged. “Are we gong to play tonight?”

“Yah.” they said.

So if you’re taking over as the lead singer, does that mean that Marilyn Manson won’t be taking the stage?  Just because you think you’re the center of the universe doesn’t mean that everyone else is there to see you, you glory hog.

“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.

Okay, I’m officially calling it. This is a troll fic.  There’s no fucking way that she’s bringing Back to the Future into this for any other reason than to troll people.

“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked.

Jumping out of random people.  Seriously, pay attention!

“I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby.” he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111

It’s as simple as that.  Hopefully you overshot your time period and get stuck in the zombie apocalypse where you belong.

That’s it for this week!  Join us next time while Ebony goes shopping for more stereotypical gothic clothing so she can shirk her job of seducing Voldemort in order to hijack a concert instead!  *sigh*

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