1529: A Daughter – Chapter One

Title: A Daughter
Author: Lady Lilith La Belle
Media: Books / Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Romance/Angst
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle

Welcome back, dearest patrons, to the suckfest that is “A Daughter.”  Last time, we met Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way Selene Amelia Badelia Anna Banana Melinda-Belynda Serpentine.  She made the Sue Counter hit 10 before the end of the fucking prologue, which really wasn’t even a prologue but more of a rambling exposition that ended in her gothing out on the train to Hogwarts.  To summarize what happened last time, all I really need to do is say she’s a part-Veela, “Pureblood Slytherin” luggage rack secret daughter of Snape and a Ravenclaw, the latter of which won’t tell anyone that she’s the girl’s mother, pretending instead to be the girl’s aunt.  Luggage Rack is also a first year who will be going right into the second year classes because she can do spells without a wand and without speaking, even though she’s only eleven.

Part of me really, really wishes I could write this all off as the work of a troll, but considering the author introduces herself as “Dymond (pronounced Diamond just spelled differently)” in her profile, I think this girl is actually under the impression that her Sue is quality writing.

Chapter 1: This Talented and Powerful Girl Belongs in House…

See, it’s stuff like this that keeps a slight hope that this is just the elaborate work of a troll, but Diaper probably thinks this is a good title because her tiny self-insert is so SPESHUL.

As much as I wanted to stick around the three friends I made, first years were escorted to the school by boat; whereas, all the other students were taken by carriages that seemed to pull themselves.

Okay, that’s not horrible.  At least she can’t instantly see the Thestrals because of how awesome she is.

By time us first years arrived at the school, all the other students were seated for dinner. The whole lot of us were herded up stairs to the main hall.

If I had read that paragraph first instead of what was supposed to be the “Prologue” I’d probably have passed this story over.

As we entered the hall, I saw the tables were sorted by house. Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, and Slytherin. Draco, with his bright blonde hair, immediately stood out and he seemed to find me effortlessly in the crowd of first years.

*smacks Luggage Rack with a paper fan*  Draco’s hair is pale blond; a sort of platinum-y color.  It isn’t straw-yellow.  And considering there’s only about 24 new students every year, picking out an individual wouldn’t be difficult.  You’re not exactly in a Where’s Waldo book-

*thinks for a moment*

One sec…

Holy crap… there are actually “Where’s Waldo” fics on ff.net.  Paint me surprised.

Eliza:  Okay!  *deploys a glitter cannon into Lyle’s office, plastering her with glitter-paint*

I wasn’t being literal!

Eliza:  There is just no pleasing some people!  *hauls the cannon out, shaking her head*

He waved at me rather politely. I only smiled at him in reply. A girl with brown frizzy hair saw this and glared at me from the Slytherin table as we were passing by.

Oh, goodie.  That would be Pansy Parkinson.  Love-interest jealousy in 12-year-olds.  I’d jump for joy, but I’d just start spreading glitter around at this rate and this is going to be hard enough to clean as it is.

I stood in the first line of first years. The headmaster welcomed us to the school and Professor Minerva McGonagall started to call out first year name so that we would be sorted. Evidently, my name was the first.

*taps a glitter-covered button on the desk*

Yup, that’s a Sue!: 11

Sorting is done alphabetically by last name.  Unless every member of this batch of first years has a name after the letters S-e then you would not be going first, Snowflake.  Having read the second book, I know for a fact that this year contains one Colin Creevey.  He would be sorted way before you.

“Miss Selene Serpentine.”

Also not how sorting names are called.  McGonagall does not assign gender to the person being called, nor does she use this format.  She calls last name first, then first name.  “Potter, Harry” was not called as “Mr. Harry Potter.”

Gasps and whispers filled the room.

*taps the glitter-covered button again*

Yup, that’s a Sue!: 12

For being recognizably special within the wizarding community.

Without a moment’s hesitation, I stepped forward, up the few steps and say on the stool, awaiting the sorting hat to be put on my head. As soon as my bum touched the seat, Professor McGonagall placed the sorting hat on my head. It immediately started talking and I was not baffled in the slightest.

Of course you’re not.  Everyone expects the hat to start communicating telepathically to them when they sit down.

*tap*

Yup, that’s a Sue!: 13

“My. My. A Serpentine. I have not felt a Serpentine head in nearly two decades.

Which, for a hat as old as the school itself, would seem like the blink of an eye and not worth mentioning.

Hmm. The magic within you is very powerful and surprisingly very tamed. Such power should not be contained however.

Such power needs to run rampant and out of control?  That doesn’t sound like the Sorting Hat I know.

Hufflepuff will not do. I can feel your calculated mind. You are a brilliant and bright girl without a doubt. Strong. Beyond smart.

*tap*

Yup, that’s a Sue!: 14

Hmm. Maybe Ravenclaw. No. No. Maybe Slytherin. You would make a pure leader.

The most corrupt house would not turn out a “pure” anything.

I have not felt such purity from a Slytherin in decades. But your intelligence. Hmm. This has to be the toughest sorting I have ever made in a century.

Oh, of course.

*tap*

Yup, that’s a Sue!: 15

Should I play it safe for you young witch and place you in Gryffindor? Should I put you where you belong?  Should I put you in the house that will give you the best outcome in life?”

That’s your fucking job, you stupid accessory!

I still said nothing. I just sat in the stool with my legs crossed and my hands neatly placed on my lap. I saw all the faces of my fellow students. They looked so perplexed and excited. The Slytherin table looked worried. I knew from their obvious excitement at my name that they wanted me in their house. The Gryffindor table looked mystified and worried. The hat was considering placing me in the house where Harry Potter is in. The Ravenclaw table looked calm but anxious at the same time. And the Hufflepuffs looked sad. Having a bright young and powerful witch in their house would help their reputation stupendously. The hat spoke again.

“I see clearly now where you belong my dear girl. This talented and powerful girl belongs in House….. Slytherin!”

Such shock.  Much unexpected.

The Slytherin table broke out in cheers and hollers. That I was sure could be heard from beyond the castle.

Just keep stroking that ego of yours.  Eventually you’ll hit your climax.

I graciously descended the few steps and approached my house’s table. Draco waved me over to him. Actually, a lot of the students were waving for me to sit next to them. But Draco was my obvious choice.  As I came closer to sit next to him, he hurriedly told the girl who glared at me to make room for me. She did not looked too pleased to not be sitting next to Draco anymore, but I paid her no mind. Sitting next to my new friend, other Slytherin students introduced themselves to me. Being my usual polite self, I memorized their names and smiled at their introductions. They all seemed nice enough, though I could tell the kiss ups apart from the genuine introductions.

*gags*  Because you’re just so special that everyone wants to be your friend but you can instantly tell who is lying about it and who isn’t.  You’re eleven.  Many grown-ass adults can’t even figure out when people are being insincere.

I learned that the girl who had glared at me and had previously been sitting next to Draco, is Pansy Parkinson.

*smacks the luggage rack*  Tense, bitch!

I recall my mother telling me about the Parkinson’s. It isn’t even certain that Pansy is a pureblood or half-blood.

If she isn’t a pureblood or a half-blood that means she’s Muggleborn, which I truly doubt.  I’ve never heard of a Muggleborn Slytherin.

My mother clearly never had a liking towards the Parkinson’s. The disdain and sour language she used when describing them to me told me so. The Parkinson’s apparently have a shady past.

This is certainly a first for me: Pansy Bashing.  Normally it’s Hermione that gets this treatment.  While refreshing, I don’t understand where this is coming from.  Pansy sort of dated Draco in the books but it was never anything serious, like Ginny and Harry.  Draco ends up with a woman named Astoria Greengrass, who ends up dying when Scorpius is 13 due to a family curse.

Their bloodline has been called into question before, seeing that almost half of the offspring ever produced in the family had at least one unnamed caregiver.

The hell does that mean?

You see, unlike most purebloods, my mother and I do not believe that we are above any other blood status.

Bullshit.  You’ve been prancing around, expositioning the shit out of your awesomeness.  I fail to believe you don’t think you’re better than everyone else.

My mother used to believe in it, but it put her in an awfully unbearable position before. I do not believe that I am greater than any other blood status because I know that we are all capable of greatness.

When did this turn into a damn PSA about wizard equality?

Every house in Hogwarts has had its fair share of bright witches and wizards. Those witches and wizards who made magical history were not all purebloods but also half-bloods and muggleborns.

My God.  We are 2,063 words in and all that’s happened is that Luggage Rack road a train and was sorted into her house.  If this story moves any more slowly, the characters will be forty by the time they get to graduate.

Once every first year had been sorted, the feast began. Draco took it upon himself to tell me which foods were the best and a lot of students took to passing food down to me even if they were a good twenty feet away.

I’m pretty sure the banquets repeated dishes every couple feet so all the students had access to all the food.

That’s another thing about being a pureblood. When your family status is greater than many other purebloods and your family income challenges Malfoy Industries,

I’m sorry, what was that?  Malfoy Industries?

*smacks Luggage Rack upside the head*

The Malfoys do not own any sort of industry.  They’re rich because they’re old blood.  Lucius owns an Apothecary and makes wine.

everyone who the status pureblood means greatness to kisses up to you and tries their hardest to stay in your good graces. This was something I did not want at all. They were treating me like a princess.

Then tell them to stop if it bothers you so much.

As the dinner went on, I saw that they all were treating Draco in a similar but less enthusiastic manner. He probably got this attention last I could tell.

To quote Taco, words mean things!  *smacks Luggage Rack upside the head*

It was easy to see. He was their prince….and I was now their princess.

And they’re going to be love interests.  All hail the Pharaoh Osiris and his sister-queen Isis!

XXX

Update times may vary.

Oh thank God, that’s over.  There is just so much nothing in this other than Digimon rubbing her clit all over her character.

See you all next week when, maybe, something will actually happen!

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19 Comments on “1529: A Daughter – Chapter One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    The whole lot of us were herded up stairs to the main hall.

    I thought the Great Hall was on the ground floor in Hogwarts.

    Or is the ‘main’ hall something completely different?

    • BatJamags says:

      I believe the spot where the first-year boats dock is down beneath the Great Hall, and the carriages go uphill to reach the front door. At least, I vaguely remember Harry and the first years climbing the stairs to reach the Great Hall, but I don’t have the books with me to check.

    • KittyNoodles says:

      There were some steps in the movie, anyway. I think those were nearer the entrance of the school, though.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “My. My. A Serpentine. I have not felt a Serpentine head in nearly two decades.

    Well that sounds… vaguely filthy…

  3. BatJamags says:

    “I see clearly now where you belong my dear girl. This talented and powerful girl belongs in House….. Slytherin!”

    OK, first of all, my computer ate my comment so I have to type this long-ass rant all over again. *Shakes fist*

    *Sigh*

    I’m disappointed in this particular part of the story because I didn’t see it coming. See, our Sue here wants to be in Slytherin. Her father is the head of the Slytherin house. She’s somehow a “pure” Slytherin biologically. She’s friends with the most prominent members of Slytherin from the canon.

    However, she’s also been hinted to have ties to House Ravenclaw, and that’s presented as being within her personality, but not as preferable as Slytherin. In the hands of a good writer, having her be sorted into Ravenclaw would be a skillful bait-and-switch that would add complications to the sadly inevitable romance.

    So, my naive mind assumed that would happen, which made it sting a bit more when the author instead went the wish fulfillment route and just gave the Sue what she wanted.

    As a side note, I wouldn’t give J.K. Rowling the same criticism for a few reasons:
    First, Harry didn’t really know much about the houses.
    Second, he never said he wanted to be in Gryffindor, just not in Slytherin.
    Third, in later books it’s shown that Harry does have a lot of connections to Slytherin, so the fact that he chose not to be there has in-universe significance.
    Fourth, House Gryffindor is the good guys. It just makes narrative sense to put the protagonist there.
    Fifth, Harry isn’t a raging Stu, so it’s OK to let him have some small victories early on.
    Sixth, Canon!Draco is kind of an asshole, and he’s the guy who sort of represents Slytherin for the audience, vs. Ron (who we figured would probably end up in Gryffindor) and Hermione (who was sorted into Gryffindor before Harry) who were obviously a lot nicer.

    So, depending on whether you allow for the other stupidity that’s already happened in the story, either one of the above approaches (bait-and-switch or trying to replicate how Rowling did it) could actually be interesting.

  4. BatJamags says:

    That’s another thing about being a pureblood. When your family status is greater than many other purebloods and your family income challenges Malfoy Industries,

    Oh, and wait a minute here: I thought Enoby Selene Dark’ness Melinda Dementia Belinda Raven Luggage Rack Way Serpentine the Speshul, Lady of Sue-ishness and Bearer of the Unreasonably Long Name and her mother were kind of poor and lived alone in an apartment? Or did I just fill that in because of the Void?

  5. BatJamags says:

    We are 2,063 words in and all that’s happened is that Luggage Rack road a train and was sorted into her house.

    You know, usually when we say an author doesn’t understand pacing, it’s because they’re moving through things too fas-

    Hang on…

    road a train

    I’m fairly certain that trains use tracks, not roads. Geez.

    GoodJamags; It could be a railroad.

    Shush, you. I’m making a joke.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      That, or there’s a road on the train, and the ‘fic is secretly set in a special-relativity thought experiment.

      • BatJamags says:

        GoodJamags: Ooh, or there could be a railroad on the train, and there’s another train riding on that!

        But then the second train wouldn’t be able to move, because if we assume it’s the same length as the first train, and the track doesn’t extend off of the train, then it’s got no room.

        Why the hell am I arguing this?

  6. BatJamags says:

    I have not felt such purity from a Slytherin in decades. But your intelligence. Hmm. This has to be the toughest sorting I have ever made in a century.

    I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. According to canon, Harry could’ve been in either Gryffindor or Slytherin, but he didn’t want to be in Slytherin, so the hat went with his choice.

    Enoby Selene Dark’ness Melinda Dementia Belinda Raven Luggage Rack Way Serpentine nee Speshul von Toolong de Suename McPureblood Slytherinapologistson III wants to be in Slytherin, so it shouldn’t be too hard for the hat to put her there.

  7. Andiliteman says:

    gags* Because you’re just so special that everyone wants to be your friend but you can instantly tell who is lying about it and who isn’t. You’re eleven. Many grown-ass adults can’t even figure out when people are being insincere.

    You just don’t understand because you’re a stuffy, stupid grown-up who doesn’t listen to younger ones because you think you’re better than them. Eleven years! That’s over a decade of life experience. Little Miss Sue is practically a grown-up and knows everything she needs to know to get along in the world!

    On a side note, how old is this author? I’ve seen a number of teenagers who actually think this way.

  8. KittyNoodles says:

    My mother used to believe in it, but it put her in an awfully unbearable position before. I do not believe that I am greater than any other blood status because I know that we are all capable of greatness.

    Every house in Hogwarts has had its fair share of bright witches and wizards. Those witches and wizards who made magical history were not all purebloods but also half-bloods and muggleborns.

    Ah, the classic “have your character preach about something the audience probably already believes so your character seems virtuous and wise” gambit. A favorite among writers incapable of or too lazy/insecure to attempt writing organically virtuous and wise characters.

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