2363: Sonichu — Issue 3 Sub-Episode 4 and Issue 4 Sub-Episode 5

Title: Sonichu
Author: Christine Weston Chandler, aka. Christopher Weston Chandler, aka. Christian Weston Chandler, aka. Chris-Chan
Media: Webcomic
Topic: Sonic The Hedgehog / Pokemon / IRL / Yu-Gi-Oh
Genre: “Parody”, apparently.
URL: Issue 3 Template Box and Issue 4 Template Box
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the wonderful world of Sonichu!

Previously, Hedgehog Of Color tried to steal a McGuffin, but a cluster of recolored Sonichus with elemental powers beat the stuffing out of him and took it back.

That’s… literally it.

Typo Cunter: 61

Next up, we get another one of those weird, dubiously-canonical little “Sub-Episodes”. What joy!

I have no idea if the title here is supposed to be pronounced “Mick-attack” or “Mack-attack”. I was also starting to think that the typography of these title headers was getting blander and blander as time went on, but really thinking back to, for instance, the Jerkop-Tastropie and Genesis of the Lovehogs ones, they’ve always been bland and it’s just a few recent outliers like “Informal M∃*Eting” that have been spoiling us.

And we open, of course, with Chris sitting at an oddly-curved table, jacked into a Nintendo DS, drawing something or other with an absolutely enormous pen, and dispensing a textwall.

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Well, it’s been over one-year and ten-months

Complete with unnecessary-hyphens!

Typo-Cunter: 63

now since I started my Love Quest…  I still haven’t found an 18-23-year old white girl to build a relationship from the ground-up with.

There’s… a lot to unpack here.

The fact that Chris has only been ‘love questing’ for one year and ten months may or may not seem strange depending on how much out-of-comic information the reader is assumed to have; it calls attention to the fact that using only in-comic cues it is basically impossible to determine the age of Chris’s avatar character. We never see him go to school or to work; we don’t know if he lives on his own or with some kind of relatives; characters have no consistent height differences or facial features that could indicate their ages; while one would think only a child would wear such an insanely loud shirt Chris also drives a car. As near as I can figure he is supposed to be an adult character intended to be relatable to younger kids, kind of like Spongebob; probably not coincidentally this allows Chris to have his cake and eat it too by giving himself adult autonomy but not adult responsibilities. The fact that the eligibility criteria cut off at 23 is both telling and creepy.

The fact that the criteria also specify a white woman is equally telling and equally creepy.

“Forming a relationship from the ground-up” seems to imply some kind of rebound scenario where a new relationship is built from the shreds of an older one, which strikes me as weirdly romantic, but is in fact just another strike by the Mad-Hyphenator.

Typo-Cunter: 64

 I detest the men, except for my father and me, because they take all the pretty girls, leaving me with none to choose from.

Once again, the women themselves seem to play no part in their unavailability; the men just walk into the mall and pick them off the shelves.

Although I don’t even like girls; what does Chris have against me?

Also, Chris just called his mother ugly.

This sucks; I’m very lonesome, and there are prople around here

Typo-Cunter: 65

who do what they can to keep me from getting one… I feel the world is against me finding a girlfriend of my own.

I really like these wings I’ve earned at the anime convention; I feel the level-up.

Because that totally fits the maudlin tone of the last paragraph.

:)

}:|

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER, ANIME HAIRCLIPS LIFTING HIS HAIRDO INTO SOME SORT OF TERRIFYING PSEUDO-BOUFFANT: Oh, now what?

POWER-ARMORED PIKACHU COSPLAYER: What do you think you’re doing here? I am B-Manajerk,

One might assume that the ‘B’ in ‘B-Manajerk’ indicates he is of lower rank or some kind of assistant to the other Manajerks.

In fact, the ‘B’ indicates that he is black.

and this is my partner, Merried Seinor Comic.

I would assume that this was supposed to be Married Senior Comic… …but that name itself hardly makes any sense.

Typo-Cunter: 67

B-MANAJERK: And we are the McDuo of the city of M-C-Dville, of the region of Mal-Wart!

Which, of course, means that they are actually managers of a McDonald’s inside a Wal*Mart.

In case that wasn’t clear.

Although if that Wal*Mart was in turn located on a military base I’m pretty sure we’d have hit Peak ‘Murca right then and there.

I am, however, left to wonder where exactly these locations fit into Sonichu’s weird, bifurcated cosmology. Obviously they aren’t  a part of Cwcville proper, but are they other cities on the Cwcville side of the ‘portal’, or are these supposed to be locations in the ‘real’ world? If they’re in the ‘real’ world but still have all of these fantastical elements in them, isn’t the ‘real’ world just another parallel comic world? If they’re a part of the parallel Cwcville world, why can’t Chris just use his Intrusive Director position to erase the Manajerks from existence? And why doesn’t comic-Chris just do his attraction shenanigans in Cwcville to begin with?

Although, actually, if these locations are outside of Cwcville then I’m really not sure what the legal status of the Jerkops is (other than that they are based off of IRL police, security guards, and store managers). Chris is the only one who ever opposes their rule, so either they are a legitimate superpowered arm of law enforcement fighting off incursions from Cwcville into civil society, or the greater United States of the Cwcville world is some kind of anarchic dystopia where vigilante store managers preside over tiny pockets of civilization in the bombed-out shells of major shopping centers.

Either of those things sound more interesting to read about than the Love Quest.

B-MANAJERK: We’ve heard from the *Jerkhief of Fa-Square that you came here to find a girlfriend!  It is illegal, here in the Region of Mal-Wart to have a mate at all!

*Scandalized gasp* Having sex in a public store is illegal?! What is the world coming to?!

*The Jerkhief was in Sub-episode One of premiere issue #0.

Believe me, we were well aware.

Interestingly, the Jerkhief and the B-Manajerk look almost exactly alike; to the degree that upon my very first time reading the comic I thought the Jerkhief had simply gotten a new suit of armor and changed ranks within the Jerkop hierarchy.

I would not read too much into the fact that the only two black characters to appear in the comic so far look exactly alike; the same is true of most of the white characters as well.

Even the hedgehogs are only distinguishable by color most of the time.

MERRIED SEINOR COMIC: Hey there, how ya’ doing?  I have bionic limbs to keep me going.

Well he‘s friendly, at least.

I am entirely unable to make sense of the design on his shirt, though. It has two patches on the shoulders that look like how Chris typically draws breasts, but they’re too high to be… really anything recognizable.

B-MANAJERK: He also sent us a pair of his Mecha-Jerkops to intercept you, solicitor!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Oh, that’s it!  First off, I am not a “solicitor,” I am only tryig to find a boyfriend-free girl!

That’s soliciting.

Typo-Cunter: 68

 And ever since I’ve started my Love Quest over one-year and ten-months ago, I’ve had a lot of trouble from people, mostly men, who were all against me finding a girlfriend of my own, and I still carried on with spelling out my situation to find one, so no matter what you do or say, I will not quit!

That’s… kind of the problem.

I’m not entirely sure who is ‘shoosh’ing whom, or why, here, although Chris looks particularly deformed with this new hairstyle.

B-MANAJERK: Then we fight!  Mecha-Jerkops, attack!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Bring it on!

I’m also not entirely sure what B-Manajerk expects a pair of waist-height robots armed with batons to even do, since they don’t even appear to move particularly fast. Or at all. I’d think Chris could just kick them over, if they even merited dispatching.

I dunno, maybe they explode or something.

And then a sparkly blue line disintegrates them, somehow. I think Chris is supposed to be *gasp*ing at the line, but thanks to his anime eyes and the placement of the panel it looks like the Mecha-Jerkops, the single least threatening enemy to ever appear in Sonichu, are causing him to recoil in terror.

B-MANAJERK: What the…?

Ha ha!

Who goes there?!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: He’s here!  My latest hedgehog hero!

Because we can’t go for a single goddam episode without introducing a new character, I guess.

Or, I guess, introducing another recolor of the same character, depending on your perspective.

PURPLE DOUCHE IN A CAPE: I am the savior who dashes in the night!

Because I guess Darkwing Duck’s actual monologue was too edgy for the comic and needed to be toned down.

 I am the Link who will save our beloved Princess Zelina Rosechu!

Our beloved what now?

PURPLE DOUCHE IN A CAPE: I am Darkbind Sonichu!

“…and I’m pretty much exactly just Magi-Chan in a cape with better shoes.

And my head looks like a turkey.”

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: It’s good of you to come to my aid, D.B.!

DARKBIND SONICHU: I had to come, not just because you’re the mayor of Cwcville, Virginia, but my creator!

One will note that the worthiness of Chris’s quest and Darkbind’s own goals have nothing at all to do with this. Darkbind serves Chris because Chris created Darkbind; nobody may question this.

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Then, now is the time for action!

Or… time for another god damn transformation sequence, as the case may be.

And it’s another total copy-paste from the previous issue. Although this time, Chris’s wing hairclips grow into actual wings.

On his ears.

The inspiration may have been the Wing Cap from Super Mario 64, although I for one am reminded of those horrible anthro MLP artists who draw pegasi wings attached to their buttocks for some reason.

And I guess the addition of these wings merits an entirely new name- Super Chris-Chan Sonichu. I can only assume that we will be up to Ultra Mega Double-Super-Secret Chris-Chan Sonichu Deluxe Pentium 5 Collector’s Edition by Issue 10 as he keeps adding on more and more features.

[ADMIRALSAKAI’S FUTURE MESSAGE: We will, in fact, get something much worse.]

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Wow!  My anime wings became real wings!  I bet this was done with my *anchuent powers!  I can fly!  Awesome!

My first thought upon reading this was “wait, couldn’t he already fly or at least hover?” After checking previous issues, it’s surprisingly hard to tell if he stays on the ground or not because BLANK WHITE VOID, but he certainly does a lot of jumping around so flight is at best a minor improvement.

*See issue #2

WE KNOW.

Darkbind is holding his sword in a really awkward way in this pane; it looks like it’s parallel to his forearm with the hilt sticking out from between his fingers.

And his cape looks like a pool floatie.

The complete lack of background in the bottom image and the complete lack of actual motion on the characters’ limbs also causes them to appear to be sliding across some kind of an ice rink. Fancy!

Was…

Was literally the only reason why Chris created a sword-wielding electric hedgehog so that he could reenact nearly word-for-word the Black Knight sketch from Monty Python & The Holy Grail?

Because that’s a new low, even for this comic.

Also,

Not sure why Darkbind is praying to Princess Zelina here, or what all of this nonsense about collecting balls has to do with anything, although we will find out in a good long while.

Well this is a whole lot of nothing.

We’ve had pages that are more white space than panel before, but I think this is the first time we’ve seen an entire page dedicated to a single non-finishing attack. It’s not even an interesting attack; Chris and B-Manajerk just stare at each other in the air for a while and then Chris tackles him and makes the mistake of letting the Manajerk get behind him.

Why is Chris’s head so big all of a sudden? Is that a side effect of the wings or something?

And then the B-Manajerk unloads his giant hair-dryer-like guns, but is confused by a swarm of Double-Team duplicates.

Chris really seems to like that particular move. I’d like to think that on some level it’s just another expression of his love affair with the copy-paste function. It’s also worth noting that in the comic Double Team always succeeds at redirecting an attack while in the Pokemon games it merely increases your evasiveness by a single stage and moves still have a decent chance of hitting.

I’d also think that one of the things Double Team would be particularly ineffective in confusing would be automatic gunfire, since you could just sweep a whole area very quickly and hit all of the duplicates more or less at once.

How nice of Chris to leave an arrow pointing us to his actual position behind B-Manajerk. As though we might be confused.

Actually, how did Chris get behind B-Manajerk. Last we saw, B-Manajerk was behind him.

I have to wonder about the level of combat training being given to McDonald’s senior managers in the Cwcverse. One would think that B-Manajerk would have been better off using that giant waraxe when he was engaging Chris up close at the beginning, and the guns when Chris started throwing Thunderbolts around.

Where did he even get that axe? The guns were small enough that I could see them having been kept in his armor, but that axe is longer than his whole torso.

And then we get a diagram of some Pixelblocks for some reason, I guess so that Chris can use the Pokemon move Substitute to create a duplicate of himself even though Substitute doesn’t really require external components. Possibly the purpose of the Pixelblocks is to make the substitute into an improvised fragmentation grenade as soon as the B-Manajerk hits it. If so, that’s the first sound- if cartoonish- strategy we’ve seen out of Sonichu; those blocks look like they’d hurt to step on or have ground into your face.

And then Chris clobbers the B-Manajerk while grinning like a Jeff clone and expecting this senseless brutality to net him a girlfriend.

The ceiling height of the Wal*Mart is at least five times higher than the McDonald’s contained within it. What’s up with that?

MERRIED SEINOR COMIC: Ah, he got you too, eh?

B-MANAJERK: Shut up!

DARKBIND SONICHU: Well, Chris, I have to go, but I am glad that I was able to help you in this battle!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Thank you, D.B.

DARKBIND SONICHU: I’m off!

Well those characters sure added a whole lot.

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Now, as for you two manajerks, the pain that you both are feeling now should be punishment enough for going against me in my quest for a boyfriend-free girl to love and trust!

“Anyone preventing me from getting laid deserves physical injury!!”

 I do not care about your rules, either of you, or any male, other than my father and myself!

See “the entire world of the comic is an anarchic dystopia”, above.

But let me make it perfectly clear that in my quest, it is very hard for me to find a girl due to the infinitely-high boyfriend-factor!

And, you know, Chris’s own infinitely-low hygiene factor.

And I do not want to risk getting a punch in the face from a jerk!

Then stop using a sign to proposition girls in a restaurant.

Also, since the ladies are unable to notice my person, because they mostly have shopping on their minds, I have to loudly spell it out.

Gosh, it’s almost like they were in some kind of a center for shopping instead of a singles bar, or something!

*Another fedora whizzes out of the ‘fic and blasts a sizeable divot out of the back wall. Something scuttles out of sight deeper into the oil-saturated depths of the crater.*

 So, please, just leave me alone with my Love Quest!

TALKING HOCKEY PUCK: Not if I have a say in the matter!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: What…?  Who goes there?!

That’s the second time that phrase has been used in this sub-episode. If this wasn’t a comic that can’t even be arsed to draw characters’ bodies most of the time, I’d wonder if that was intended to be some kind of ironic callback to B-Manajerk’s first use of it.

THP: I am the one who rules the Mal-Wart Region!  I am the one who will destroy all your pitiful hops in ever getting a girlfriend of your own!

Typo-Cunter: 69

Where those clowns have failed, I shall triumph!

CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Oh, my…

SOME OTHER DOUCHE IN POWER ARMOR: I am the W-M-Manajerk!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!

Ha?

This concludes Sonichu 3. Since it was only three episodes long instead of four, we can continue right onto Sonichu 4.

.

.

.

This cover is one of the most infamous of the series, with a diseased-looking Chris-Chan walking under an unaccountable spotlight, being heckled by Mary Lee Walsh, a sign claiming that “VIRGINIA IS FOR VIRGINS”, a Grey Alien who finds his wooden badge delicious, and some other randome dude with a tomato in his mouth claiming that “True Love Is Illegal In Virginia”. I have to wonder- is fake love permitted?

Let’s see exactly what wonders are in store for us this time! A hedgehog raised in Australia who clubs enemies with boomerangs and plays a digeridoo? A dark blue hedgehog who runs super-fast but is a distinct entity from Sonic?

Drawn March 24, 2005

Sub-Episode 1: Christian Chandler in JERKOP-TASTROPIE

Typo Cunter: 10

I don’t know if this counts as a typo in the literal sense, as I very strongly suspect this is actually how Chris thought “-tastrophe” was spelled and pronounced. It’s still terrible, though, especially since Chris didn’t even bother to try to center his title or fit it on one line- it’s the little touches of complete and utter laziness like this that give this comic the special… Chris… Chan… touch?

And now we’re in a…

Wait.

This is all seeming a little… familiar.

Yeah.

So, almost a majority of Sonichu 4, 45 out of its 99 pages, consists of the exact same sub-episodes we’ve been seeing at the end of every issue before now, reprinted without  modification.

Including the sub-episode we just finished reading at the end of Issue 3.

Oh yeah and did I mention the comic is 99 pages long??

I think this might just edge out the repeated pre-MCR-concert section of My Immortal as the single most blatant piece of regurgitated plot in LOTD history.

Also, yeah, this is an entire issue of nothing but those awful sub-episodes.

Case in point…

Christian Chandler in McAttack Part 2

CWC BIG BLOCK OF TEXT: As you may recall from the previous sub-episode,

Oh, you mean the one we just finished reading at the end of the last isssue, and then just finished reading again in Issue 4 itself just before getting to this one?

Darkbind Sonichu and I kicked those M-C-Dville Manajerks’ behinds. Darkbind left after the battle to continue his quest for Zelina Rosechu’s re-awakening. After my victory speech, the Manajerk of the Mal-Wart Region barged in to challenge me. Which brings us up to date.

There… isn’t even much of anything to go back over.

W-M MANAJERK: Have some fistfull fries!

So, would those be a fist filled with fries, like a mooshy, ineffective roll of dimes; or fries that are themselves filled with fists?

Because I bet you could get hipsters to pay good money at a resteraunt that sold the latter.

No idea what that marking on W-M Manajerk’s chest is; it doesn’t look like any flag I’ve ever encountered but it also doesn’t look like any iteration of the Wal*Mart logo I’m familiar with.

That top panel is arguably one of the more dynamic ones in the comic, although it’s a little difficult to figure out exactly what is happening in it. I think Chris just got slammed into a table full of food, but given the odd angle it might be a soda machine or the counter, it’s impossible to really tell.

CHRIS: Oh, man! All this soda pop gone to waste…

I better take a shower and come out smelling like a flower.

CAPTION: 3 seconds later…

CHRIS: That was a mighty “CWC” shower.

Hmmm… Now I’m mad!

So that was a thing that happened. Did Chris shower in the Wal*Mart? Did he do so fully clothed, or did he take his clothes off in the Wal*Mart too? Or did he run home, shower, and then run back all in the space of three seconds?

Also, the fact that Chris only mentions he’s mad at the end of this… sketch… thing… makes it seem like he was totally OK with the situation until the W-M Manajerk forced him to shower.

I think this pun is our first indication, four issues into the comic, that the ubiquitous ‘CWC’ acronym is supposed to be pronounced ‘quick’.

CHRIS: YAAA!!!

D’oh!

W-M MANAJERK: Ha ha! Try to get out of my evil grip!

I’m not sure what makes this particular hold specifically evil; I’m also not sure why Chris decided to charge into battle against a dude in power armor without using his super-strong hedgehog form. Is there some kind of limitation on how many times per day he can use the thing, or something?

And then floating heads dispensing textwalls.

CHRIS: Darn, I should have transformed, but even then, would I be able to defeat this Manajerk by myself?

Well it certainly would have helped

TELEPATHIC BLUE ANUS: Don’t sweat it Chris, there is a way to defeat him.

CHRIS: What? Ancestor? It is you! So good to see a friendly face! But I’m in a real bind right now, so what advice do you have for me, wise one?

KING DEUS EX MACHINA: Hello, Chris.  What you need now is a woman’s touch.

I’m pretty sure that “needing a woman’s touch” is what got Chris into this mess to begin with.

CWC BLOB: What?

KING DEUS EX MACHINA: Do you recall how your powers made your wings real?

CWC BLOB: Yes.

KING DEUS EX MACHINA: Look…

CHRIS: My heart torch? But it’s made from Pixelblocks!

This strange-looking doodad is arguably the only truly original piece of art Chris has ever made and not just ripped off from some cartoon or whatever. Nobody has any idea what it actually signifies, but it’s worth noting that the actual Heart Torch is significantly taller and skinnier than the drawing here so Chris couldn’t even draw that properly.

CHEROKIAN KING: Yes, Chris, I understand! But I know that combined with your powers you can use it to summon your dream sibling!

Ok, so, I’ve heard of people having a dream job before, or a dream house, but never a dream sibling.

She will be able to help you, much better than your mother even! Farewell, Chris.

That right there is possibly the most succinct explanation of Chris’s goal on his Love Quest in the entire comic.

Is this conversation occurring in sped-up mindspace or something? Or is the W-M Manajerk just standing there, holding a squirming MRA over his head and looking bored while the whole thing is happening?

CHRIS: Summon my dream sibling? Of course! My twin sister, Crystal!

Caption: Picture from CWC’s Yu-Gi-Oh! Card, Crystal, the female twin.

Well that‘s not creepy in the slightest.

CHRIS: I get the Heart Torch!

Well you’re the only one.

Why a real Heart Torch would be necessary to summon a female alter-ego, or for that matter what differentiates a real Heart Torch from a fake one, is a mystery for the ages.

There it is, with the rest of my stuff, on that table! I may be unable to transform, but I can still attack!

CHRIS: Electric Hedgehog attack, Growth!

And he thinks about Wild Sonichu for some reason.

While using a Pokemon attack in his human form.

Actually, why did he need the prompting of the Cherokian King to do this? He could’ve used that ability at any time, and bought himself the space to transform (which, actually, he should have just done to begin with)- or, hell, he can use all of his Pokemon moves in human form anyway.

Somehow, Chris expanding (I’m sure there is fanfiction of it) causes the W-M Manajerk to toss him back down. He steadies himself on a chair while some kind of distorted grid flexes past (I think this is supposed to be some kind of aura indicating that the effects of Growth are wearing off), and spots the Heart Torch on a kids’ play-table on the opposite side of this blank white room. He skates across the floor as the W-M Manajerk fires some kind of energy blasts from a milk bottle on his arm that wasn’t there a panel ago, grabs the Heart Torch, and commands it to glow.

This causes  yet another god damn transformation sequence to occur, this one depicting a clone of Chris apparently emerging from his back.

Curiously, despite being Chris’s twin and emerging wearing the exact same outfit as her template, Crystal has noticeably lighter hair and same-colored eyes.

CRYSTAL WESTON CHANDLER: Well, fancy seeing you in the flesh, Christopher, my brother!

“This is a normal human greeting we normal humans should be exchanging, yes?”

CHRIS: And I’m elated to have you here too, Crystal, my sister!

“Let us commence in performing normal human activities together!”

W-M MANAJERK: Oh, swell! There’s two of them now? That makes my job a lot harder! But I’ll do it anyway!

I like this guy’s can-do attitude.

CRYSTAL: Get down, brother!

CHRIS: HMMMF!

W-M MANAJERK: Oh great, another hole in one!

And, of course, the introduction of a female human character into the comic results in her throwing herself on top of Chris-Chan all of a page and a half later.

Even though the two of them are related.

Oh yeah, and everyone’s favorite the numbered lines of dialogue to compensate for the panel layout come back.

CHRIS: Thanks for the save, sis!

CRYSTAL: No problem!

CHRIS: I see your medallion, do you possess the Anchuent Powers too?

CRYSTAL: Yeah, I can transform.

CHRIS: All right, let’s get up first…

CRYSTAL: Yeah!

CHRIS: And let’s do it!

Um.

Oh, wow, and then another transformation sequence. Complete with this weird fuzzy effect around Crystal’s crotch.

Odd that she actually transforms an outfit but Chris is just naked.

Reflect decreases the damage of physical moves.

I’m pretty sure lasers count as Special.

And then they grope wach other, put their feet together, and spin around really fast to perform a “Double Corkscrew Kick”, which sounds like some kind of dogfighting maneuver.

And then there’s more numbered dialogue.

CHRIS: Hey sis, let’s finish him off…

CRYSTAL: By combining our ultimate attacks?

CHRIS: You read my mind!

CRYSTAL: Of course! Let’s do it!

OK SERIOUSLY CAN CHRIS NOT MENTION ‘DOING IT’ WITH HIS TWIN SISTER FOR EVEN A SINGLE PAGE??

The actual attack seems really similar to the one that was used to finish off Mary Lee Walsh, with Chris summoning a Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha from his crotch and another hedgehog adding an electric attack to the mix. Except this time the electric attack involves Crystal taking her tiara off of her Starchild-like skull with weird, clawed fingers, flattening it like a Frisbee, and throwing it.

This… beheads the W-M Manajerk and then blows him up. Even for Chris-Chan the Love Quester, that’s kind of overkill.

MERRIED SEINOR COMIC: I knew we couldn’t get him either.

B-MANAJERK: Yeah, we should go back to PVCCitizens.

Whatever that is; it sounds like a tax firm.

(It’s actually Chris’s community college and the home of the villainous dean/witch Mary Lee Walsh, although the connection won’t be made clear until much later on.)

CHRIS: Wow, just a head… well, it shows that he can never be left behind!

Ow.

Oh, and I guess the W-M Manajerk was always just a Futurama-style head-in-a-jar and all they blew up was a robotic suit.

The first time I read this, I legitimately thought that was a full suit of powered armor with a transparent helmet and Chris had decapitated the person inside.

CRYSTAL: Ha ha! :) That’s a good one.

No it wasn’t. :[

But, seriously, I have a few words for this Manajerk.

W-M MANAJERK: Oh… great… Oh, boy!

Even he can sense the incoming text wall.

CRYSTAL WESTON CHANDLER’S BIG BLOCK OF TEXT: How dare you intrude in my brother’s long and enduring quest to find a boyfriend-free girl! And not only that, you had the nerve to attempt to hurt him emotionally and physically! How would you feel if you were in his situation?

Probably pretty disgusted with myself, all things considered.

You’d understand that spelling it out is the way to find a girlfriend from the ground up especially since he is very shy!

  1. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t get laid.
  2. An Attraction Sign is not, in fact, the only way to go about getting laid, nor is it a particularly effective way.

It does not, however, surpruise me that Crystal is just parroting all of Chris’s own talking points; after all, she is his clone.

But I pity you, because you have no body, which leads to the obvious conclusion that you have no heart. You are missing out on some awesomely great emotions, big time! You can’t possibly feel the intense emotions from having frustrated hormones, as well as his lonliness you jerk! Why don’t you just…?

Wow, there’s… a lot to unpack here.

Apparently, Chris thinks that emotions literally are produced within the heart. And also by hormones, for whatever reason. And that sexual frustration feels ‘great’.

Typo Cunter: 70

CHRIS: O. K. Sis, I feel like you have made your point, thank you.

I’d say that even Chris himself is tired of these textwalls, but he’s probably more concerned about keeping the spotlight on himself and not his newly-created clone.

But I want to know who sent this jerk!

W-M MANAJERK: Fine, I’ll tell you.

I am from the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens, and I was sent by its president, Mary Lee Walsh.

I.e. information we already knew because the B-Manajerk and MSC were talking about it.

CHRIS: That witch! It is so like her to attempt to murder my soul again!

Once again, I am left to wonder exactly how one goes about murdering a soul.

CHRIS: Let’s send this bowling ball back to that witch, sis!

CRYSTAL: All right.

CHRIS: We kick on “hike”, sis!

BOTH(?): Hut… Hut… Hut…

BOTH(?): Hike!

Why would you use football terminology while kicking a bowling ball?

Why would you even kick a bowling ball to begin with?!

And how nice of a window to suddenly appear in the otherwise featureless void of the Wal*Mart just so that the Chandler Twins could kick the Manajerk’s head out of it.

Meanwhile…

At the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens (a.k.a. PVCCitizens)

… which appears to be a one-story chevronlike building with some kind of spiky evil Sauron castle sticking out of the top of it.

It took me a good long while to figure out what those white things coming off of the green oval in the parking lot were; at first I thought they were light poles, but now I’ve concluded they are most likely handicap parking tags.

Nice to know that the seat of all evil in the CWCverse is at least partially ADA-compliant.

PURPLE THING: Come, Crystal, I’ll treat you to lunch.

MARY LEE WALSH: Curses! That Chris has thwarted my efforts again!

COUNT GRADUON: Hey, hey! You’ll get his soul yet!

MARY LEE WALSH: Well, I guess it couldn’t get any worse.

At first I thought that purple orb was Graduon and for some reason he was asking Chris’s female alter-ego to lunch; however Graduon is still in his cup holder and this other purple thing is some kind of crystal ball or scrying pool (or possibly just a hologram or general cloud of magical energy).

I guess it just goes to show that drawing your primary villain identically to the way you draw common environment objects was a terrible idea.

Not that Chris asking his own r63’d clone out on a lunch date is any less creepy, though.

Interesting that Walsh never bothered to fix the whole Chris punched in her window in Witch Comfront.

And then W-M Manajerk’s head flies in from a completely different direction in this otherwise apparently completely enclosed room and slams right into Walsh.

And then, to add insult to injury, Twitter gets into a flamewar over it.

CUCKOO CLOCK: Cuccoo! Cuccoo! If she thinks he’ll never find a boyfriend-free girl with this method, then Mary Lee Walsh is cuccoo! Cuccoo!

Why exactly does Mary Lee Walsh have a cucoo clock that insults her and praises Chris-Chan, anyway? Or is that something that exists in a completely other part of the world that Chris himself assembled?

As always, thanks to Salt Water Taffy’s Annotated Sonichu and the CWCki for transcriptions and reference.


11 Comments on “2363: Sonichu — Issue 3 Sub-Episode 4 and Issue 4 Sub-Episode 5”

  1. crazyminh says:

    Did he do so fully clothed, or did he take his clothes off in the Wal*Mart too?

    I mean, it WOULD explain the diseased look.

    • Zues Killer Productions says:

      Why is Bruce Lee chasing Kirk with a foil?

      • crazyminh says:

        That’s Hiraku Sulu as played by George Takei. And that’s not Kirk.

        So in this episode, the Enterprise investigates a outpost that has gone silent. The station personnel have gone crazy, and one has turned the environmental controls to such cold temperatures that they froze to death. One died taking a shower with their clothes on. Anyway, a crewmember gets infected, and soon the entire Enterprise crew are acting as if they were drunk. Thus, half-naked Sulu chasing people with a foil.

  2. Zues Killer Productions says:

    Once again, the women themselves seem to play no part in their unavailability; the men just walk into the mall and pick them off the shelves.

    Although I don’t even like girls; what does Chris have against me?

    Also, Chris just called his mother ugly.

    I’m sure having social skills that would make the Huns look like Casanova’s wouldn’t he-wait, what?

  3. Zues Killer Productions says:

    [ADMIRALSAKAI’S FUTURE MESSAGE: We will, in fact, get something much worse.]

    Worse than the Khmer Rouge?

  4. Zues Killer Productions says:

    I’d also think that one of the things Double Team would be particularly ineffective in confusing would be automatic gunfire, since you could just sweep a whole area very quickly and hit all of the duplicates more or less at once.

    That would explain why the only guns we see in the anime are bolt-action rifles.

  5. Zues Killer Productions says:

    This causes yet another god damn transformation sequence to occur, this one depicting a clone of Chris apparently emerging from his back.

    You know, at this point, most people would do this.

    *calls in napalm strike*

  6. BatJamags says:

    And my head looks like a turkey.”

    First turkey legs, and now the entire turkey. Heads are slowly being taken over by turkeys, like some sort of infectious gobbling mind control parasites.

  7. BatJamags says:

    Incidentally, it’s amusing but also kind of sad how little time it took for the comic to transition from being about the actual title character to the author’s revenge fantasies starring her own overpowered avatar. I mean, the Sub-Episodes were all kind of that way, but at least the first issue/issue-and-a-half were roughly focused on Sonichu himself. But ever since the “Anchuent prophecy” stuff, we’ve had like one adventure for Sonichu and a billion for Chris-Chan.


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