1954: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Three

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to another installment of ‘Shadow War’, the Star Wars fic where nothing happens and the characters don’t matter!  Crunchy is here again.

“You sound so pleased.”

Ecstatic.  Anyway, last time more long-winded nothing happened.

“I question whether you could consider that chapter long.”

Fine, more short-winded nothing happened.  The Cliff-notes of all the nothing is that Team Evil is landing their shit on the planet of Ponyland while Team Stu gathered a few juvenile recruits before being dispatched to explore what will coincidentally™ be the same exact planet that Team Evil is orbiting despite the region being nearly a third the size of the entire galaxy.

“Your Dickens would be proud.”

Compared to this, Dickens showed incredible restraint with his contrivances.  In any case, let’s get on with the show!

Chapter Three: spring festival, dark landing

“I shall make an attempt to fix this one.”

Dark Chapter Three of Darkness: dark spring festival of darkness, dark, dark landing in the dark.

I have a feeling this isn’t the last we’ve seen of the chapter title.

Location: Curasant Space Port, Curasant, Jedi Empire

*ALARM BLARES*

Dammit all!

“Worry not, I put Lina in charge of the parking permits.  The agents will be tied up with paperwork for several weeks.”

the group gathered on the platform was one not seen since the days of the Clone Wars.

Apparently the Coruscant, sorry ‘Curasant,’ space port just has so much space they can afford to leave one of their platforms unused for sixty or so years.  Not like they’re pressed for space  to a point where they’re building on the ruins of the old city or anything.

Thousands upon thousands of Jedi warriors, Padawins, Knights, and scientists awaiting the order to bord the massive vessel behind them.

“So much for going alone.”

I think it was a phrase based on Kyle being the fic’s only plot-relevant person going on the mission.

the ship behind them was a massive dubble hull super star destroyer.

We dubble thee the I.J.S. Compensation.

from the two bows to the large control bridge that connected the two hulls, it was clear that this was a vessel ment for battle.

“Clearly this ship serves as the best choice for a reconnaissance mission.”

What’s with the bows on it?

“It was one of the less successful tactics utilized in the late Empire.  They placed large bows on all their ships to make their enemies think that they were presents and lure them into a false sense of security.”

All along both of the giant Super Star Destroyer hulls were numers ion turrets, each spoting three 18in ion cannons.

*ALARM BLARES*

Usually that thing shuts up when the DRD get tied up with something.

“I think it might be summoning their legal team to help with the paperwork.”

I feel sorta sorry for the DRD’s lawyers.  Clearly they don’t know who they’re up against.

in between the two large hulls was a massive

Aggghhhh!  No!  Do not finish that-

 collection of Jedi Crystals, capable of shattering the hull of even a Yuuzhan Vong worldship.

Oh.

“This vessel is certainly earning its name.”

We may need to rename it the Big Dong at this rate.

“How appropriately vulgar.”

the massive

Aaaaargh!  No!  Don’t tell me about its massive-

vessel bristle with turbo lasers, and other forms of ship protection.

Oh.

“So the ship has lasers and other things that are not lasers.”

written on the side of the massive

Aaaaargh!  Don’t-

“The joke has run its course, you may feel free to stop now.”

‘Kay.

bridge was the ships name,

Celestial Uberwang.

Jedi Avenger

“You were quite close.”

Right!?

Among the crew that waited on the platform were two droids,protocol droid C3PO and astronomical droid R2-D2.

Despite the pointless name drops, these are among the few pieces of equipment that are actually plausible.  A protocol droid would be a good thing to have along in case you run into a culture the universal translator can’t handle, and R2 would basically be the Emperor’s eyes and ears on the mission, as well as being a huge asset for doing inevitable repairs.  I mean, there’s no real need for them to be named canon characters, but it’s the first believable thing that’s been written in the chapter.

suddenly a large speeder, bearing the imperal crest pulled up, and out steeped three men, one woman, and a young girl.

“And from behind!”

You may not want to use that particular phrase around the Celestial Uberwang.

“Noted.”

The crew looked over and exchanged a few glances at each other.

Oh crap, we’ve been saddled with the Emperor’s pet Stu.

“What is the crew doing on the platform?”

Pardon?

“The crew.  This is a Super Star Destroyer.  The crew should be busy doing pre-launch preparations and checks, a process that takes several hundred personnel several hours to days to complete.  Why are they milling abound the platform?”

Oh, uh… they’re all members of the Evil Henchmen’s Union?

“Ah, yes, chapter seven, section J, paragraph five: thirty minutes of mandatory break time is awarded prior to the approach of any class seven or higher Stu.  I should have known.”

“Hay those are the Solo twins,” a Jedi warrior said, “why are they coming?”

Because Stu.

“Got me,” another replied, “But that’s Emperor Skywalker’s so called favorite, Kyle Striker, rumor has it that he’s a Force Knight.”

Called it.

“Yes, very impressive.  Next you should attempt to guess the color of the sky.”

“Force Knight,” another shouted, “you’ve got to be kidding.”

Oh gods don’t we wish.

“Do we really have to pause the narrative for these nameless minions gush about their boss?”

It’s probably the better option when compared to reading another three or four pages of ship description.

but before anyone could reply the order was given to board.

So the crew is finally allowed on the ship so that they can begin several days of safety checks, engine spool-up procedures, and power balancing.

“Unless this empire really is as evil as we think it is.”

Yeah, in that case they’ll be ready to go in a few minutes.  Who gives a crap about safety?  You’ve got more than enough people in the empire to lose a few thousand to an engine explosion.

The sounds of boots echoed across the platform, as the thousands of warriors and scientists borded for the adventeure of a life time.

So no pilots, technicians, navigators, or anything in this crew?

“Those are only required if you want everyone to survive the mission.  Besides, this ship operates on the power of pure Stumanity.  As long as Kyle is on board, it will pilot itself and be protected by an invulnerability shield.”

What happens when he leaves the ship?

“Eh, it likely will explode or something of the sort.  By not stationing anyone of consequence on the ship, you mitigate the possibility that you lose anyone of actual value.”

The last people to board were of corse the ship’s four officers.

Because actually overseeing the work of the crew is something that OTHER officers do.

“You mean the competent ones?”

Of course.

Kyle gazed over his shoulder just in time to see the Imperial Speeder pull up, it was Emperor Skywalker.

For some reason suddenly I’m picturing Skywalker like this:

“Just came by to wish you good luck,” Luke said

It’s not like the emperor would have anything better to do, right?

“thanks,” Kyle replied, “I think I can handel it from here.”

“Then I shall watch the empire until you get Bach.”

“tred carefully,” Luke said, “I can sense something odd about this mission, just be sure to stay in contact.”

Stay in contact. Through the hyperspace maelstrom that prevents all forms of communication.

“Somehow Luke has managed to be a more disingenuous emperor than Palpatine was.”

“i will, father.” Kyle replied, Luke just blushed, he still never got use to Kyle calling him father.

*An explosion rocks the bunker*

Did you hear that?

“Hear what?”

The silence.

“Quite deafening.”

The group chatted for another few minutes, before they finally boarded the Jedi Avenger.

“So.”

Yup.

“Giant ship.”

Yup.

“Certainly is big.”

Just like I like them.

Location: Bridge of the Mega Star Destroyer Jedi Avenger Celestial Uberwang.

“It is not very nice to add edits within the body of the fic.”

I’m not always a nice person.

“Which is why I think there is still hope for you.”

The control center was humming with activity, as Kyle walked in and took his seat, with a cloaked figure standing at his right, and Kit, who was clutching a small white teddy bear at his left.

If Star Trek has taught me anything, it’s that there’s absolutely no issue with having children on a military ship.

“Padawin,” Kyle said, to his apprentice

“Who is this ‘Padawin?'”

Dunno.  Maybe it’s Kyle’s pet name for Kit?

“take us into orbit, we jump as soon as we get clear of Curasant’s gravity.”

Which never happens because gravity doesn’t work like that.

“With as little preparation as has been done, I find orbit to be quite optimistic in the first place.”

“as you wish master,” Padawan Laz Gundar replied, Laz had been Kyles’ padawin from the moment Kyle became a Force Knight, and longed to become a Force Knight as well, but Kyle felt that teaching the art of the Force Knight was too dangerus, Kyle, had been born with the power to control the Light and Dark sides of the Force, as had his brother Corenth.

*Taco’s face turns blue and he falls out of his chair gasping for air*

“Sadly I cannot take credit for that this time.  Even as a retired Sith, I have to say that has to be one of the more incorrect and illogical things I have ever read about the Force.  Though I suppose it should little surprise me that Kyle was unable to grasp the significance of his brother and fellow ‘Force Knight’ embracing the Dark Side.  Kyle does not strike me as one who spends much time bothering himself with the task of thinking.”

Laz gave the order to take off, and the massive vessel rose into the sky.

I suppose we’re just going to gloss over the fact that ships this large are built in orbital docks and never see atmosphere?

“With the multitude of other more egregious things wrong with the writing, we may as well.”

Darn.

it took little more then half an hour for the Jedi Avenger to break orbit, and jump. the adventure had begun.

I find it odd that this fic often reads like some of the picture books my five-year old reads.  Only those are spelled correctly and know how to capitalize things.

And their plots make more sense.

Location: Dream Valley, Ponyland

“I cannot say that I have heard of that place.”

Oh, that, it’s where all the ponies live in Ponyland.

*Crunchy squints at Taco*

“I sense some significance in that answer.  Out with it, monkey.”

You know, in the first generation of My Little Pony.

…

“For the first time in quite a while, I have come to regret several life choices that lead up to this moment.”

You’re welcome.

Spring had come at last, as the gate of Dream Castle fell to the ground, and once it did a group of happy Little Ponies, of various colors and species emerged, and began dancing and prancing about the feild.

“I feel quite nauseous.”

It’s a pretty standard reaction.  Just have to wait for your pancreas to catch up and you should be fine.

For the Little Ponies this was the first day of Spring, and that ment the Spring festival.

*Alarm blares weakly in confusion*

Those conceptual redundancies are pretty hard on the alarm.

All across the valley the Little Ponies prepared for a day of fun and joy.

“I suppose that means my hopes for a festival of pain were unfounded.”

Unfounded, maybe, but not unwarranted.  And that may be a point of perception as I expect the festival to be quite painful to read about.

Two ponies, windwhistler, and north star hung a white banner emborded with the words spring festival.

“And who would they be?”

Wind Whistler

North Star

“Aha.  I shall refrain from asking in the future.”

That’s all I ask.

meanwhile, another pony, sweet stuff, brought out a set of newly baked pies for the eating contest.

Don’t tell Gumdrop, he gets really competitive.

Also the unicorns gusty and fizzy prepared the games for their animal friends, while on the other side of the valley, on a small stage, a pink baby dragon, with purple spines sat at the piano, and prepared to practice his number for the festival.

“That one I recognize.”

Yeah, there isn’t much overlap between the generations, but Spike, Twilight, and Applejack somehow survived the upgrade process, even though AJ only appeared in the movie, and while Twilight was in both, it was as two different ponies.  Neither of which are similar to the current Twilight.

The music Spike played sounded like a waltz, and once he began playing a small purple pony, with ice cream cones painted on her hind legs, came out and immedatly began dancing, but it didn’t take long for Lickady Split to preform a move that Spike didn’t anticapate.

“She did a full pirouette followed by exploding into a shower of pony viscera.”

It’s those unexpected dance moves that are the most memorable.

“where did you learn that Lickady Split(I hope I spelled that right)?” Spike asked

…

Are you fucking serious?  I know this was like fifteen years ago, but even back then Googling was a thing!  At least this story doesn’t have a beta, so only one person is tainted by the damn thing.

“Does this mean that the dance move will not be shown to us?”

Hell, it doesn’t even look like we’re going to get to be told about it third-hand.

“I made it up.” Lickady Split replied

I couldn’t show it because the author doesn’t know the first thing about dancing and couldn’t be bothered to some actual research!

“Well you better unmake it,” Spike said, critically, “you’re not the star you know,”

“I find that I rather like this version of Spike.”

The gods help me, but I agree with you.

Lickety Split didn’t care, she was one of the more playful ponies but she could also be very selfish and stubbern.

“Obnoxiously playful while being selfish and stubborn?  I presume we will be provided an upside to balance this character and make them less odious, yes?”

“I can do what ever I want,” Lickaty Split replied, stubbern as ever, and they returned to their practice.

Haha, nope.

“I see.  I shall save time and start hating this character immediately, then.”

Beat you to it, I hated her as soon as the author misspelled the name.

“Curses!”

Location: the ruins of Grundleland, Order of the Shadow base of operations, beyond the Black Mountians.

“I presume this means something to those who know the canon?”

Not really.  Ponyland was even more of a swirling, misty void than Equestria is.

The ground of Grundleland was covered by a thick purple substance, but that didn’t stop the events that were already in play.

Oddly enough, it isn’t the prose this time.  I can fault the author on a lot of points for this wreck, but because the prose is so basic and infantile, it doesn’t really get purple.

Upon the top of the old smooze thousands of white armored imperial stormtroopers, yuuzhan vong warriors,and thousands of trade federation battle droids paraded, in preparation for the coming invasion.

“Not to mention the Skeksis, Xenomorphs, Decepticons, Cylons, and Dalek who brought up the rear of the parade.”

Do I need to change my Netflix password?

“You can if you like, but Eliza will just crack it again.”

over head thousands of droid starfighters, TIE fighters, and yuuzhan vong coarlskippers flew either on holding paterns, or escorting the numerus imperial and confederate landing craft.

“These were followed closely by Romulan Warbirds, Cheops Warships, Covenant Heavy Cruisers, and Reapers.”

before long thosands of imperial AT-ATs, AT-STs, trade federation AATs, commmerce guild tank dorids, and inter galatic banking clan hailfire droids had joined the ranks of the Order’s invasion force.

“Followed closely by-”

Okay, we get it.

“But lists of references are so interesting!”

but the pinical were the numerous black cloaked clad sith lords, who would serve as the commanders for the up coming invasion.  all that was needed was the order from Lord Striker, and the invasion would begin.

I have a feeling that the Shadow Order’s intelligence corps are laughing themselves stupid watching all this.  Yes sir, there is DEFINITELY a secret Jedi base which produces cyborg super-soldiers on that planet.  Super-high priority to take it out as soon as you can.  Take everything with you, you’ll need it!

“I only wish I could see the look on their faces when they storm into the middle of the pony dance party.”

here’s chapter three, i apologize for the lack of updates on my stories but i’ve had some computer problems

Never apologize for failing to update a fic of this level of quality.  I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for the next chapter.

“Take forever if you need, we insist.”

ps i’m open to any suggestions for a new title,

‘Toxic Waste, Don’t Read’ has a certain ring to it.

“I find ‘Unintelligible Excrement’ to be pithier.”

pss i would also like an idea for who falls for who

As long as Kyle ends up in a relationship with one of the Pony’s pile of dung, I’ll be happy.

and does anyone know where i can find a map of ponyland

This was before MLP had enough of a fanbase to fill in the blanks or demand the franchise fill in the blanks.  As such, no map exists.  Strangely enough, this doesn’t seem to have hindered you from creating vague locations, so I can’t help but wonder why you think you need a map.

“Likely so he can reference it rather than providing setting.”

Sadly, I don’t doubt it.  Anyway, that’s it for this week!  Join us next week as things get even more asinine!

“I hardly think that possible.”

You think that now, but I have looked into our future.

“Ominous.”

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