1411: Captain Rapist’s Half Assed Adventure (AKA Trapped) Chapters 11 part 2 & 12

Title: Trapped
Author: This Fuck (EP)
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi (Porn really)
URL:  Chapters  11 & 12
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

WARNING! MORE OF EP’S HALF ASSED WRITING! IF YOU HAVE A RAPE TRIGGER, PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

Ert: *Bashes head against wall* I can still feel. *Bashes head against wall* Please make it go away.

Nora: Come on Ert. Goeth, give the guy a sedative.

Goeth: Already did. It should be kicking in in three…two…one.

Ert: GAH!

Goeth: Whoops, wrong vial.

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1404: Captain Rapist’s Half Assed Adventure (AKA Trapped) Chapters 10 & 11 part 1

Title: Trapped
Author: This Fuck (EP)
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi (Porn really)
URL:  Chapters 10 & 11
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

WARNING! MORE OF EP’S HALF ASSED WRITING! IF YOU HAVE A RAPE TRIGGER, PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

Nora: Oh good fuck, we’re back with this guy again? And there’ something that could trigger people in this chapter?

Ert: No idea, haven’t looked yet. But considering EP’s general attitude towards women I feel like even if nothing happens we should have a trigger warning up.

Seiko: Goodie good.

I am sooooo sorry for the delay but I wrote this out a least twice but the program I use deleted it. I use open office, now before you suggest it I used Libre office but it no longer works for me.

Ert: This just in, the machines are becoming sentient. And they’re trying to destroy EP’s work. THE MACHINES ARE FRIENDS! THE MACHINES ARE FRIENDS!

Selena was working on the paper work of the operations on the planet and the files to make sure that Chris would become a Noble.

Ert: See an interesting thing to do would be to show the reaction to this. I’ve seen countless stories where pure blooded nobles learn about a commoner being lifted up, and they are rarely happy about it. So Prick, in reality, would have assassination attempts and political schemes designed to take advantage of him. This isn’t reality though. This is EP’s sexual fantasy where he kicks everyone’s ass and releases the feeling of his penis in everyone’s vagina. Because he’s that awesome. Even though in reality I’m sure every woman he knows carries mace around him.

This was so that he would receive better protection. She liked him yeah, hell she even felt like fucking him now and again but she had to focus.

Nora: Ert, EP is typing with one hand again. I guess that explains the spelling errors.

Seiko: Hardly. The way EP talks about women we know he’d last a grand total of sixty seconds. If even.

The thing was because he was what would be known as an Ancient human his genes are probably more pure then her own.

Ert: EP, stop talking about genetic purity like you know what the fuck you’re talking about. The Imperium of man has a pretty damn archaic view on the matter anyway, viewing impurities as coming in the forms of mutation and the like. Not natural evolution.

Not to mention that he was likely here thanks to the Emperor’s will.

Ert: SURE! WHY NOT!? Let’s just make EP Jesus while we’re at it! I needed that good image of his spraying his load all over his computer screen anyway.

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1247: Trapped- Chapters 8 & 9

Title: Trapped
Author: This Fuck (EP)
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi (Porn really)
URL:  Chapters 8 & 9
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

WARNING! MORE OF EP’S HALF ASSED SMUT! IF YOU HAVE A RAPE TRIGGER, PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

Ert: Well here we go. This is all EP currently has up for the wet shit he’s calling a story.  Also he called chapter 8, chapter 7.  So he can’t fucking count either.

In the conference room almost all leaders of the fireteams, engineering and crew where inside. Like always Selena was at the head,

Nora: Considering that Selena keeps letting Prick do important things, it seems she isn’t at the head in the figurative way and is only at the head in the literal innuendo way.

Chris joined in to add his opinion on things.

Goeth: “Fire hot!”

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1240: Trapped: Chapters 6 & 7

Title: Trapped
Author: This Fuck (EP)
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi (Porn really)
URL:  Chapters 6 & 7
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

It’s EP. Even if nothing happens just assume the possibility of there being rape. In fact if you have any triggers at all to anything sexual in nature, please stop now for your own good. There is sex in this rift so beware.

Nora:…Ert really?

Ert: As depressing as this sounds, I’m kind of looking forward to this. EP is such an easy target it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Yeah there’s everything else about him but at least something happens. Something I can mock.

Nora: You are really stretching it.

Ert: I know.

Shepard: *Dry heaves* Can we please just get this over with?

Nora: Amen to that.

Chapter 6: Something to think about

Nora: We’ve been getting a lot of those from this story. Namely along the lines of “What goes on in EP’s head” and “Do we want to know?” and “Is this an indicator that EP’s head is being used as a gateway by the Old Ones to invade this world.”

Goeth: If it is tell Yog-Sogoth I can’t make it to poker night next Saturday! I already have plans with Nyarlathotep!

Ert: You know, after a while you just get numb to everything coming out of his mouth.

Shepard: Not quite there yet myself.

Ert: Cherish these moments then.

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1137: Trapped – Chapters 1-5

Title: Trapped
Author: This Fuck (EP)
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi (Porn really)
URL:  Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5
Critiqued by Erttheking.  Who needs a freaking drink

TRIGGER WARNING! ANYONE WHO HAS BAD EXPERIENCE WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

Nora: *Looks up* Fucking really?

Ert: *Gags* another EP fic. Another fucking-ugh. I feel like I’m a scientist who found a Baboon in the wildness dying from an unknown disease, and it’s my duty to record every last symptom. Even as the Baboon bleeds from its eyes, leaks a sickly yellow puss from its anus and has giant red boils all over its body.

Nora: Be strong man.

Shepard: Do I HAVE to do this one?

Ert: Yes.

Shepard: I mean come on. EP wasn’t perfect. Hell, he was bad, I’ll even say that, but he wasn’t as bad as you say he is.

Ert: *Gargles mouthwash*

Nora: We’ll see about that.

Ert: *Spits* Ok. this time EP did a  40k fic. For those of you who don’t know, Warhammer 40k is a tabletop game created by Games Workshop. It’s set in the GRIMDARK 41st millennium, where mankind has formed a massive empire spanning over a million planets. Ten thousand years ago, it was ruled by the Emperor of Mankind, a powerful being born in the stone age when thousands upon thousands of human psykers sacrificed themselves to combine their souls into one, forming a mighty soul that was greater than the sum of its parts.

Ert: Eventually in the year 30,000, the Emperor united humanity under his rule in the Imperium of Man, creating twenty legions of massive super soldiers named Space Marines (And Games Workshop has copyrighted the term because…they’re evil) and twenty sons called Primarchs who were even more powerful than the Space Marines to lead the Legions in the process. Two of the legions and Primarchs were stricken from history for reasons unknown (Because you can create custom armies in 40k and GW wanted to leave the door open).

Ert: The Emperor’s ruling policy was egalitarianism, scientific progress and atheism (because he knew that gods existed and it turned out they were all assholes. What with the Gods being the CHAOS Gods and all, and he was trying to weaken them by denying them worship…didn’t work). Things were going well, until the Chaos Gods managed to corrupt nine of the eighteen remaining Primarchs because, OOPS, daddy never mentioned to his kids that there were malevolent Gods out there that wanted to kill them all.  Even the one that kept poking his head into the realm of the Chaos Gods.

Ert: This was the beginning of the Horus Heresy, in which the Emperor’s former favorite child, Horus, led eight of his brothers in rebellion along with the legions and massive swaths of humanity. The war was seven years long, pretty short by 40k standards, but it DEVASTATED making. All of the loyal Primarchs who weren’t killed in the fighting went missing shortly after, only two of the traitor Primarchs died (Horus being one of them) and the Emperor was mortally wounded in a duel with Horus.

Ert: Technically the loyalists won the Horus Heresy, but it was a very empty victory. With the Primarchs and the Emperor gone, the Imperium became a theocratic, feudal nightmare. The Emperor was worshiped as a god, despite him going out of his way to say that ISN’T what he wanted to happen. Fun fact, the holy text for the Imperium of man was written by one of the traitor Primarchs, who turned to Chaos out of desperation for someone to worship and after worshiping the Emperor…really didn’t work out.

Ert: Technology is barely understood, with only tech priests getting it to work by “appeasing the machine spirits”. The Emperor is barely alive on life support and is acting as a beacon in the Warp (the realm of chaos that’s sadly necessary for FTL travel)  and requires a thousand sacrificed souls every day to stay alive. If he dies, mankind is screwed because they need him to travel through the Warp. Theocratic nut jobs run the Imperium now, killing all those who don’t worship the Emperor or who are suspected of worshiping chaos or being an unsanctioned psyker (untrained psykers can be exploited by Daemons). Oh, and mankind is under siege from all sides by aliens that want to kill them for some reason, either because they’re seen as inferior, they’re trying to wipe out all organic life, they’re hungry or they’re just bored. And most of the traitor Primarchs and their Legions are still alive and wrecking shit.

Ert: Yeah, it sucks to live in the 41st millennium. LET’S SEE HOW EP DOES A FUCKING SELF INSERT INTO THIS UNIVERSE!

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