553: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 17, 18, & MESSAGE TO THE FLAMERS

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: mostly Twilight
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 17
URL: MESSAGE TO THE FLAMERS
URL: Chapter 18
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Salutations, Patrons of the failed literary arts!

Today I have a special treat for you! As we have now reached the weird parts, the writing quality (and I use the word “quality” very loosely) drops sharply. To preserve the fragile sanity of you, my beloved Patrons, I shall attempt to summarize portions of these chapters.

:flips through notes:

Actually, most of these chapters. The narration devolves to nothing but random collections of letters in some points. I feel like I’m trying to decode intercepted communiques from World War II.

As a special bonus surprise, there is a separate Author’s Note chapter sandwiched in between these two, so I’ll be going over that as well.

Going back over my notes, it looks like the last riff covered the big battle between good and evil in which evil was winning after two of the sinners/commenters turned into a Dalek and a “transformer” but then Lola’s baby drove up in the Metallicar, kicked the devil in his brimstones, and instructed Lola to use the Pokeball God gave her to capture Satin Satan. The Bag-o-Useless does so and wins the fight, and good times were had by none. Moving on.

Shockingly, these chapters don’t have the bizarre and inappropriate sexual imagery so prevalent in previous chapters, so I’m going to forgo my usual disclaimer.

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549: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 15 & 16

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: mostly Twilight
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 15
URL: Chapter 16
Critiqued by Ghostcat

WARNING: IF YOU’VE READ ANY OF THE PREVIOUS RIFFS, YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW BAD THIS FIC IS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Welcome back, dear Patrons! It’s that time again – another steaming pile of Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy has been delivered to you via the Intertubez. Thank you for not setting your computer or mobile device on fire in retribution.

Let’s see; what do we have for the recap from last time? Jacob went to see his baby-momma, with whom he shared a brief “romantic” interlude in spite of (or because of) her horrible whatever-time-of-day-it-was sickness. Thankfully the scene was interrupted by Edward, who then assaulted Jacob with an electric catfish named Sparky. (It didn’t make sense then and it doesn’t make sense now.) This attack was enough to send Jacob scurrying back down to Hell. The next night, Lola’s Whore Knee kicks in again so she decides to go looking for Jacob. Edward catches her outside their house and she makes up some lame-ass excuse about hearing a ‘possum, and then suddenly a baby explodes out of her belly chestburster-style even though it should still be a formless zygote at that stage in its development. The presumably healthy, if sexless, baby is named Loward because reasons and suddenly becomes the hottest commodity in both Heaven and Hell due to its “grate” powers. Satin Satan mobilizes his army of darkness, which consists primarily of DeviantArt commenters who have made critical remarks about the fic, while the author’s BFF Bananaslushie (who is also God’s daughter) shows up to warn Lola and Edward about the coming attack and take them to Heaven … I’m sorry, to Heaving to prepare themselves.

And now we join our regularly scheduled fic, already in progress.

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545: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 13 & 14

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: mostly Twilight
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 13
URL: Chapter 14
Critiqued by Ghostcat

WARNING: CONTAINS (IMMATURE) MATURE CONTENT. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

:sigh:

Hi, there. I’m back with more of this … thing.

:double sigh:

Do I really need to do a summary of what happened last time?

:whispering:

Fine – but have a ninja bring me a bag of fun-sized Milky Ways. I’ll need nougat and caramel before this is over.

Lola and Edward found out that Lola is pregnant and because reasons have decided that Jacob is the father. Edward went to Hell to confront Jacob, who also believes that he is the child’s father – again, because reasons – which caused Edward to announce that he, Edward, would have an abortion. When Leslie agrees that this would be a good idea, Edward then remembers that abortion goes against God’s “wishies” and flees Hell in anger. Once back up top, Edward demands that Lola get an abortion – which, as you will remember, he just said was against his religion – to get rid of Jacob’s baby. Lola refuses loud enough to cause her dead dog Bobby to start barking. God then appears surrounded by the beam of a celestial searchlight and forbids Lola from having an abortion since there’s a fifty-fifty chance the baby will be good, but that they can … Do I gotta finish this sentence?

:whispering:

:groans: Okay!

:deep breath:

…shootthebabyafteritisbornifitturnsoutthatitisevil. Where the hell’s my candy?

:wrappers tear:

Oh, yes; wash away the bad taste, my little chocolate-sheathed morsels of awesomeness. I’d better save some of you for later, though.

:folds down top of bag, secures with clothespin:

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537: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 9 & 10

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: mostly Twilight
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 9
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello there, most wonderful of all Patrons!

I’m here with yet another pair of chapters for that little jaunt through Crazy Town called Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy. During our last little venture, Jacob discovered that he is the spawn of Satin Satan, and now has the ability to shoot lasers out of his mouth and turn into a gnu. (That last bit is implied.) He uses these new abilities to kidnap Lola and take her to Hell, where he marries her and performs unsavory acts upon her person as does his sister, Leslie. Edward decides to rescue her, so he goes to Italy to kill the Pope with God’s blessing. He is then drop-kicked into Hell and … I think that is it for those chapters.

:re-reads summary:

:headdesk:

Sweet mercy, this is a bad fic.

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