545: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 13 & 14Posted: October 25, 2013
WARNING: CONTAINS (IMMATURE) MATURE CONTENT. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
Hi, there. I’m back with more of this … thing.
Do I really need to do a summary of what happened last time?
Fine – but have a ninja bring me a bag of fun-sized Milky Ways. I’ll need nougat and caramel before this is over.
Lola and Edward found out that Lola is pregnant and because reasons have decided that Jacob is the father. Edward went to Hell to confront Jacob, who also believes that he is the child’s father – again, because reasons – which caused Edward to announce that he, Edward, would have an abortion. When Leslie agrees that this would be a good idea, Edward then remembers that abortion goes against God’s “wishies” and flees Hell in anger. Once back up top, Edward demands that Lola get an abortion – which, as you will remember, he just said was against his religion – to get rid of Jacob’s baby. Lola refuses loud enough to cause her dead dog Bobby to start barking. God then appears surrounded by the beam of a celestial searchlight and forbids Lola from having an abortion since there’s a fifty-fifty chance the baby will be good, but that they can … Do I gotta finish this sentence?
…shootthebabyafteritisbornifitturnsoutthatitisevil. Where the hell’s my candy?
Oh, yes; wash away the bad taste, my little chocolate-sheathed morsels of awesomeness. I’d better save some of you for later, though.
:folds down top of bag, secures with clothespin:
Now that I’m sufficiently fortified, let us move on to this week’s chapters. Chapter Thirteen is once again dedicated to Bananaslushie, but there’s nothing of note in the dedication so I’ll just skip over it. What I would like to draw attention to is the chapter title; I’ve been skipping over most of them, but I feel a should share this one.
Chapter 13: Robots In Disguise
In the past, the titles have been the titles of movies and had little if anything to do with the chapter’s content – which is why I’ve skipped over them. Do I expect this to suddenly change? No, not really. If a “robot in disguise” actually makes an appearance in this chapter, I’ll eat my hat. (Or someone’s hat since I don’t really wear hats, unless you count the kitty ears.)
Two daiz later there was a knocker on the door.
So shortly after Lola discovered she was pregnant, someone installed a decorative device on a door. Okay. Why is this at all relevant to the fic?
Booby statted barking and Edwart answered.
Bobby-Booby, the dead Bichon Frise with a bitchin’ frizz, started barking, and Edward answered him – possibly by barking.
Sure, why not? It makes about as much sense as anything else in this fic.
It was Jakeb!!! “I am come to c how mah kid iz dong” Jackob sayed.
I really hope he’s enquiring about the child’s health and isn’t there to sneak a peek at the fetus’ genitalia. That would be weird even for this fic.
“Fuck off! You have no serious buzzness hear” Edward relayed to him.
He’s there to pick up some studious bees, but they haven’t arrived yet?
But jackob came into anyways. “Where is he?” he assed.
Well, Edward’s right there. :points towards Formless Void near door: You just walked past him. I don’t know who else you could be talking about as a days-old fetus would have no gender yet and Lola is a female.
Why is Edward letting him into the house? Setting aside the fact that Jacob is the spawn of Satin Satan, he raped Lola; Edward knows this, he saw it happening, and was the one who rescued her! The only thing that kept God from striking Jacob down was the fact that he was in the safe zone of Hell.
:taps Edward with Mr. Crowbar:
Guess what? He’s not in Hell anymore! Beat his face in – or call God and have Him do it, if you are too much of a pansy ass to do anything. But don’t let him walk through your home and especially don’t tell him where Lola is!
“Loli is in bathrom.
go sea what you have doned” Edwarm said sadly.
Well, that doesn’t sound good. Or coherent.
Loola was puking all ovaur the bathroom.
Lovely, she’s having morning – or whatever time of day this is supposed to be – sickness. Are there no toilets in this world? First everyone was shitting all over the place, and now Lola is pulling a Linda Blair.
Also she had a bumpo of the babby.
The hell? She’s only been pregnant for a few days at the most – how can she have a baby-bump? Even in the source materials it took a few weeks for Bella to start to show. And how big is said bump? It could be anywhere from “I just ate a really big meal” to “She’s gonna blow!” in size depending on the maturity of the child, but logically should be closer to the first. (I know, I know – logic has no place in a fanfic. What can I say? Hope springs eternal.)
“Hi babe” Jakeb said sudactively.
… She’s spraying vomit all over the bathroom and his response to the situation is to try to seduce her? I try not to judge the kink of others, but damn. That boy ain’t right.
“oh bhi Jakeb” saiod Lola.
I can sort of make out what most of this fic’s alphabet soup should be, but I’m stumped. “Behave”, maybe?
Do any of you fine Patrons have any idea what she’s saying?
Lola felt very whore knee…..
While she is in the middle of a vomiting spree. Again, I don’t want to judge – there’s bound to be someone somewhere in the world who would find the situation erotic – but there is no way in any version of hell that I would be thinking about sex while engaged in that particular activity. Or anything else, really. Severe gastric upset has a way of pushing everything else to the back of my mind.
she hadnt had sex with Ed since she had gotten praggo…
Which has been what? Three whole days at this point? Considering that the last person she had sex with was violently raping her, I don’t think she’d be in any hurry to have sex again any time soon. And wasn’t giving up sex part of their master plan to become good Christians anyway? The author seems to have forgotten that little detail.
he didnt want to stick his tiddlywink
Another welcome addition to the Library’s list of penile euphemisms. It doesn’t quite have the resonance of “man-carrot”, though.
where the evil demon babby was growing like a weed in a beautyfull gardun.
What happened to all that “We don’t know if it will be evil or good” nonsense?
You can’t just keep categorically stating things with no explanation!
Also; the less you tell us about Lola’s lady garden, the happier I’ll be.
And from behind!
:thinks for a moment:
Sweet mercy, I hope not.
she was attractived to Jakeb!!
Setting aside the fact that you are still vomiting, have you forgotten that you hate Jacob because he raped you?!? No character can be that stupid, can they?
She leened forwhard and kissed him.
That answers that question, I guess. I don’t see how this could get any more revolting than it already is.
She used a little tongues.
And I was so very, very wrong. Clearly I won’t be needing these anymore.
:pushes aside remainder of Milky Ways:
Maybe she really does have whore knee; like getting tennis elbow only much worse.
Jackob smiled and started to get boner this was what he always wanted….
His big fantasy is to French-kiss a vomiting pregnant woman in a bathroom painted with her stomach contents while her boyfriend is somewhere in the other room? I have heard some strange things in my time, but I have to say – that one is near the top of the list.
“LOLA where r u?” Edwarter farted.
Ummm… You already know where she is, you are the one who told Jacob where she was. It was only about ten seconds ago. Even goldfish are smarter than that; hell, a Goldfish cracker would probably be smarter than Edward.
Than he went into the barthroom…….and saw LOLI with no shit on and no bra
I’m very happy she’s not covered in shit, I don’t think my stomach could handle coprophilia on top of emetophilia right now.
and Jakeb touching her NIPPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh no, not her nipple! She’ll get double pregnant now for sure!
“FUCK YOU!!!! UR RAPING HER AGIN YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Edwarg screemed!
What a shock. Maybe the next time a known rapist comes to your door you shouldn’t let him in, tell him where to find his victim, and then leave them alone together for an extended period of time.
“No wart its noto what u think!!!” lola sayed cryingly. but it was too late.
Wait, you are the one who started this whole chain of revulsion moving in the first place – you and those damned whore knees of yours! And now you’re trying to use the “It’s not what it looks like!” line? Not even Edward is stupid enough to fall for that old chestnut.
Wedarf ran into the udder room.
The nipple has its own room now? I know Sues are usually very well-endowed, but that seems extreme.
he went to the fish tank he had boughted for Lola cuz she was sadd about booby dying.
Booby-Bobby, the Bichon Frise with the bitchin’ frizz who was just barking when Jacob knocked on the door, is now dead. Again.
Much like Grover in the whack-ass author tract Herr W. presented a while back, this character has a hard time staying dead. At least he hasn’t been violently killed each time, which is probably one of the few positive things I could say about this fic.
CUM N KILL JAKEB!!!!!!!!!” he yellowed and there new pet jumped out of the tank.
Okay, I’m trying really hard to think of a pet that you would keep in a fish tank that you could train to attack people and I’m coming up empty. There’s fish, of course, but they would die pretty quickly once they got out of the water, so that leaves mostly reptiles or arachnids – two genera not known for their ability to follow directions well.
hes an electric catfish named Sparkly.
He’s an attack … catfish. Named Sparky. (Who may also be sparkly, I don’t know.)
Wow. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve read in the last :checks wrist: three freckles.
Electric catfish are a real thing, they are a subspecies of catfish that can produce an electric shock in a fashion similar to an electric eel – via special cells called electrocytes that act like a primitive Marx generator. You can see what happens when an owner decides to play with one here – dumbass repeatedly fondles electric catfish. It does appear to hurt like hell, big surprise there, but I can’t help but notice that the guy (of course it is a guy) seems relatively okay at the end. Hell, the kid who touches the tail didn’t feel anything at all.
he flew into the other room (edart was controlling anf levelating him using his vamp. powers) and electrified JAKEB!!!!!!
Edward has “vamp” powers now, which thankfully include levitation and not transforming himself into a seductive femme fatale. (:points: The Brain Bleach cauldron is that way, Patrons.) That doesn’t change the fact that Sparky is a frickin’ fish and thus not a very impressive weapon.
If Edward has vampire powers, why doesn’t he just attack Jacob with them instead of whacking him with a fish? If you’re dead-set on electrocuting him, just rip one of the mains power lines out of the wall! There’s likely one somewhere in the bathroom walls and household current is a hell of a lot more dangerous than flinging a fish at someone.
“OH FUCK NO!” Jakeb sadd, “you wull not git far away with this!” he jumoed out of the window
Since you ran away like a scared little bitch, I think the chances are excellent that he will, in fact, get away with it.
and the whole opened up and swallowe him back 2 Hell likea vaghina with a apenis.
Huh. In the first few chapters of this fic the metaphors and similes were all over the place, but now the author seems to have settled into a very Freudian “everything is sex!” rut. I must say, I miss the old nonsensical ones. They were at least a little amusing.
Edward huged Loli. “its ok lola ill protact you, he wont rape u agin” Edwart promissed.
Technically he wasn’t raping her since she initiated the contact – which is totally what a rape victim would do when face to face with their attacker and isn’t at all an egregious insult to every victim who ever lived.
Just in case you missed the subtle nuances, author, that was sarcasm.
And that was a crowbar.
But Lola was looking out off the window after JAkeb……………………….she totally ignored Edwarf……..it was ass if he wasnt there…
Instead of mooning over your attacker, maybe you should think about returning your electric catfish to his tank – that is, if he isn’t dead already.
And since there was a distinct lack of robots in that chapter, I don’t have to eat anyone’s hat! Before we move on to the next chapter, I’m going to share another little tidbit with you. At the end of every chapter there has been something the author calls a “prickteaser” – a kind of preview of the next chapter. For the most part they are just nonsense and don’t really “tease” so much as they confuse. For example, the “prickteaser” from the end of Chapter Twelve was the following;
PRICKTEASER: “WTF bella dont go there!”
That’s supposed to be some sort of clue as to the content of Chapter Thirteen – the chapter we just went over – yet there is no character named Bella in the chapter (or the fic) and none of the characters ever say those words. Now, let’s see what the “prickteaser” for Chapter Fourteen (which is improbably titled The Chronicles of Narnia) says.
PRICKTEASER: “Dialects will rule da univars!!’ sadd the Dialect. Lola new wut she had 2 do…
First off, I find it very unlikely that Lola would know anything, at all, ever. Secondly, I’m almost certain the author meant Daleks and not Dialects and now I’m really hoping this doesn’t branch out into the Doctor Who universe.
The next nite Lola was in bed.
It’s not the same night that Jacob visited, but a completely different night? It’s a very minor time jump, but it’s still kind of strange.
she was whore knee nad edwrd wouldnt sex her b/c of the baby in her belly.
And also because they gave up sex to become good Christians, a promise they don’t seem to have given much thought to since they made it.
This is a baby that she only found out about three days ago – a baby that was likely the product of a horrific rape, thus making sex the very last thing that should be on whatever passes for Lola’s mind.
And why are they even in a bed? Sparklepires don’t sleep; until Edward met Bella, he didn’t even own a bed.
And from … Y’know, I think I’ll skip it this time.
she thawt of Jakcob. she found him hawt and wanted to fuck him…………….
Why are you doing this to me, fic? I frickin’ hate with the burning intensity of a thousand supernovae the fact that I am having to repeatedly point out how incredibly insulting and flat-out insane it is for Lola to be sexually attracted to the bastard who violently raped her, yet you keep making me do it.
I loathe you so very much.
she got all hot at the thatw of making cookies with her baby daddy.
While I’m sure “making cookies” is some sort of sexual euphemism, because everything is a euphemism for sex these days, I’m going to assume instead that Lola just has a hankering for Jacob’s snickerdoodles and move on.
And that doesn’t help at all. Damn cookies and their suggestive names!
She clammed out thru the windex and went running aff to go to Hell….
I thought you just had to divide by zero to get to Hell, but now it involves running as well?
:lets out loud whoop:
Sweet! With my bad knee I can’t run for shit, so I guess I’m off the hook now. Have fun in Hell, you healthy bastards!
suddanly some1 from behinds grabbed har!
“OMFG GET AWAY U FUCKING PERV!” she yellowed and tuned around…
it was edwark!
Who I see is continuing in the fine stalking tradition of his canon predecessor.
“Wut u r dong?” he smudged
I got nothin’.
“umm nothing i hard a possum outside…” she didnt no waht 2 say..
They are both undead creatures with the same super-enhanced senses; shouldn’t he be wondering why he didn’t hear the same ‘possum she did?
“well cum bak 2 bed” he squeemed
“Where we will continue to lay quietly in the dark, completely awake and not having sex with each other.”
All of the suddan Loli screemed and the babby brust thru her stumache like dat thing frum Alien!
Take a look at this period – . – Given the probable length of time since conception, the fetus that just exploded out of Lola should be a minute fraction of the size of that little dot. It’s still a fricking zygote! As much as I dislike the source materials, Bella’s pregnancy is one of the few decent portions in the series. The child does mature much faster than a human would, but at a horrible cost to the mother – the baby is what winds up killing Bella. (The makeup effects in the film version were quite good; it’s probably the only time resembling an emotionless corpse has ever worked in Kristen Stewart’s favor.) The fic audience is told (repeatedly) that Lola is pregnant, but it is barely an inconvenience to her. A little nausea and wham-presto, it’s a baby!
Something about the author choosing this particular imagery is causing my Troll Sense to really tingle. (Not that the whole fic doesn’t make it twitch like a worm on a summer sidewalk.) It could be that the author just wanted to pick a graphic scene that many readers would be familiar with, but then why not use the birthing scene from the source materials? What’s been prickling at the back of my mind since I read this is that the Word of God is that the Chestburster alien from Alien is supposed to represent a violent birth – a birth that is the result of a traumatic rape. The parallels may just be a coincidence, or it could be a sign that this author isn’t some clueless teenager but is someone who wants to appear to be a clueless teenager yet has no idea how to pull it off. A crack in the troll’s facade, if you will.
Or I’ve gone mad from fic-overload again, which is also a valid hypothesis.
“OH MY FUCKING GAWD HOLY SHIT!” they both screemed
“They” being the angelic daughter of God, anointed defender of humanity against the forces of darkness, and her vampiric consort. Stay classy, my dear.
In Hell the Devil sad to Jake
“Transition scenes? What are those?”
“jaycob the babby is borned.
Born, exploded from its mother’s body like she had just swallowed a lit firecracker – same thing, right?
it has a grate powrs which are useful to Hell.
Such as “accelerated growth” and “blowing up Lola”. That last one is particularly good.
We must capture it and get it to join the dork side!!”
Why must you constantly torment the dorks? What have they ever done to you?
“But how?” jaykob assed
I hear offering free cookies works for some people.
“well get loli to join 2!!! she wud make good vampire sexy demon” Satan squirted
Well, she’s been a piss-poor angel/daughter of God/whatever else she’s supposed to be, what with her being an unrepentant murderer and all-around terrible excuse for a person, so maybe she should try working the other side of the street for a while. In fact, given how bad she is at being good, if she did turn evil she’d probably become a frickin’ saint.
So everybody in Hell gathered their armies.
It’s an actual Army of Darkness?
I’ll fetch my boomstick.
IN there armies were the evil flammers from Deviant arts!! Rebachan, weareallpictogether, 4thdoctoerwho, owliet, etc!!!! as well as JACOB, LESLIE And deviol offcoarse.
Just in case you were wondering, dear Patrons, those are the usernames of a few of the “flammers” who dared point out the many, many flies crawling all over this festering pile of turds. I haven’t read every single comment on every single chapter, but the ones I skimmed through aren’t really what any sane person would consider a “flame” comment. (The key words being “sane person”, of course.) Many are similar to what we see here in the Library every day, minus the frequent nerdgasms.
“ok ppl we must get that fuckin baby away from that whore Loli!” Devil commanded
Wow, the embodiment of pure evil curses almost as much as the daughter of God – and is just as bad at it as she is. My mother can use obscenities better than these characters can.
“we wood prefer if she jooned us but if she wont just killifish her…………..” JAcyboo cont’d
What is with all of these characters and their propensity to fling fish at each other?
“yea i wanna fuck her frist” Les sparknoted
I really hope she doesn’t mean Bobby-Booby.
“ok lets go motherfuckers!” Devil sad and everyone went to Erth…….
Twirl those mustaches! Twirl them, I say!
On Erth Edwarg and Lola were with thar babby who was sucking on Lolas nipple (but not in dat way).
Well, I would assume a baby would suck on her nipple to draw nourishment from it, but if the still-genderless child isn’t doing it “that way”, then how …
“oh edwarf what wull we nayme it?” Lolls smeared
:gulps down handful of aspirin in anticipation:
Oh, this should be good.
“oh idk…….maybe……..Loward aftur us both…………” Edward rocked
You know what? It’s still a better name than Renesmee.
“Oh yes i like that name!!” she smiled
Really? You don’t want to name it Edla? Quelle surprise.
Given how badly Edward and Lola’s names have been misspelled over the course of this fic, I can’t wait to see what happens with the baby’s name.
“aww its a pretty baby” adwarf said….
Pretty, yet still completely without sex or even a suggestion of its physical characteristics. The audience doesn’t even know if it is good or evil yet. Good job establishing the character, author.
just than the door brust open….Bananaslushie came in! “oh hi what do you want?” they assed
Poor, poor Bananaslushie. It’s not bad enough that every chapter is dedicated to her, but now the author is dragging the unfortunate girl into the fic itself?
I thought she was your friend!
“LOLA AND EDWARD I AM ALOS ONE OF GAWDS KIDS.
Wow. God’s been a busy boy.
I’ve been assuming that He’s the Christian version of God, but leaving random demigod offspring scattered around the mortal realm is something I’d expect from a member of the Greco-Roman pantheon.
I HAVE CUM 2 WARNER YOU THAT SATNA IS CUMMING 2 KILL YOU AND HGET UR BABY!!!”
A city in central India is coming to kill them and steal the baby? How would that even work?
“little Loward? but why?” edward assed
Here’s a shot in the dark – because he/she/it is a brand-new Stu/e with all kinds of as-yet undiscovered superpowers?
“you c….ur babby has grate powers…………..
Powers that may involve shredding things by rubbing them across a grater, have something to do with horizontal metal grilles, or quite possibly the baby will just make a painfully high-pitched squeaking sound when you rub he/she/it against things.
in thw rong these cud be used for eevil………”
It must be the squeaking thing, then.
“omfg relly?!” they sad
I know, right? Who knew that powers than can be used for good could also be used for evil. No one has ever had that particular revelation in the history of forever.
“yea. and god is gonna halp you DEFEAT SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Let’s see; on God’s side we have Lola, Edward, Bananaslushie, and the baby, while Santa has a legion of toy-making elves. My money’s on Santa.
“but srsly guize frist we must get up to Heaving…………………..
Which won’t take long; I’ve been close to heaving ever since that “romantic” bathroom scene.
you will need training…….”
Pants? Wheels? What? Finish your damned thought!
Banana finished…and a lite apparated oin the middle of the room..
She didn’t finish, she just sort of trailed off. That’s what an ellipsis is used to represent – an unfinished thought.
I predict one of two things will happen; Lola & Co will go through a tedious literary montage so that they can acquire some skills, or the fic will just skip over the “training” part and they will magically receive whatever abilities they are going to get. That light suddenly appearing in the middle of the room probably means that God will be making another appearance very soon as well. Let’s check and see what the “prickteaser” says.
PRICKTEASER: “God it is so nice 2 see ur hoose!” Lola sharted
So it’s not so much a “tease” as it is a “confirmation” regarding the mysterious light. Good thing there wasn’t any dramatic tension in the scene, because that would have completely shattered it.
I think I’ll go lie down in a dark room and weep for humanity for a while.’Til next we meet again, dear Patrons!
*On the most awesome website where many of the Librarians first met, You Suck at Craigslist, it is a tradition to refer to the individuals who wrote the orginal sucktastic ads as either Sparky or Sparkles. For many YSaCers, the nickname has migrated over into daily life and is usually used interchangeably with adjectives like idiot or moron.