573: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapter 28, ANODDER SECKS SEEN, & Chapter 30

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: Various
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 28
URL: ANODDER SECKS SEEN
URL: Chapter 30
Critiqued by Ghostcat

WARNING:

CONTAINS POORLY WRITTEN MATURE THEMES.

ALSO SMUT.

:sigh:

Hello, my long-suffering Patrons. I’m here with more of this incredibly fucked-up train wreck. It’s not quite as offensive as the last little nugget, but there is a sex scene sandwiched in the middle for no apparent reason. More on that later.

The last chapters were really quite impressively offensive, but there were a few fragments of a plot (of a fashion) smushed in among the fail. It was rather like panning for gold in a river of raw sewage and finding only lumps of iron pyrite, but this is what I’ve managed to piece together; Lola & Co confronted the Dork Side in Hell, and then fled back to Earth before they could accomplish any of their objectives. Once back, God appeared to tell Lola and Edward that they should get married so that they can adopt Loward/Jaslie/Locob, who is still back in Hell. Jump forward to the wedding, where many characters from many different canons appear, and Lola is abducted by Leslie, who drives the Shota Bus through the church to do so.

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569: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapter 24/25, a note on SPARKY, & Chapter 26

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: Various
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 24/25
URL: a note on SPARKY
URL: Chapter 26
Critiqued by Ghostcat

WARNING:

Contains mature themes and potential triggers. Extreme caution is advised.

HERE THERE BE MONSTERS

Well, I’m back, gentle Patrons, with another installment of … whatever this is. In the last lump of fail, we bore witness to what I shall refer to as The Song Incident as well as the addition of Mystery, Inc to the cast on the side of Lola & Co. For once these beloved canon characters weren’t dragged into the fic by the resident deus ex machina but just sort of materialized out of thin air only to be horribly violated by the fic.

Today I shall be conducting this riff from inside the brand-new Brain Bleach Sauna! Actually, I just covered the Jacuzzi with a tarp; topical application isn’t cutting it anymore, I need to breathe in those cleansingly caustic vapors. I also grabbed a few bottles from a disused chemical storage locker; they aren’t labelled so I’m not entirely sure what’s in them, but I am pretty much past caring at this point.

:toasts Patrons with bubbling flask:

Here’s hoping I go blind!

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565: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 32 & 24

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: Various
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 32
URL: Chapter 24
Critiqued by Ghostcat

:From within the depths of the Library comes a low, pitiful groan as if from a wounded and dying animal. The eerie sound echoes through the vast halls, accompanied by the scuffle of slippered feet. :

Ugh,

Sweet mercy, my head. If feels like someone yanked my brain out and stuffed one of those cymbal-playing monkeys inside my skull. :footsteps grow closer: Shinobi-san, is that you? Why did you let me drink so much last time?

:Papers rustle as the loyal ninja hands over a sheaf of tear-stained notes to the Librarian sprawled across the stone floor.:

Oh, right. Understandable then. Would you please summon the others to carry me into the Riffing Chamber? And bring me a pot of tea and the crate of analgesics while we’re waiting, if you please. There’s a dear.

 —SEVERAL HOURS LATER—

Hello and Happy Black Friday, my splendid Patrons!

Has everyone else recovered from last week’s trauma? Good! Now, time to bring it all back with the recap.

The Dork Side summoned reinforcements to defeat Lola & Co and instead of fighting back, Lola called her Dad for help. God sent the Doctor to pick them up in the TARDIS and shortly afterwards the DeLorean exploded.

:moment of silence:

Never fear, though, for the Doctor has a new car for Jesus – a 1970 Dodge Challenger. To Lola he gives Spooby the coochipede, who is a combination contraceptive device/rape preventative/tampon/unholy nightmare, as well as a Pokeball containing a Lugia. The chapter ended on that deeply disturbing note, which leads us into today’s chapters – titled My Best Friend’s Girl and My Super Ex-Girlfriend respectfully.

First up is either Chapter Thirty-Two or Chapter Twenty-Three; it is listed as thirty-two on DeviantArt but the heading in the chapter proper lists it as twenty-three. The autor uses a very … eccentric numbering system for her chapters in the later updates, which has made it tricky to pin down just how many chapters there are.

Since the fic is continuing its downward spiral into complete illegibility, I will once again be summarizing the bulk of the chapters.

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561: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 21 & 22

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: Various
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 21
URL: Chapter 22
Critiqued by Ghostcat

CAUTION: THIS FIC CONTAINS ADULT THEMES AND SOMETHING WHICH DEFIES DESCRIPTION. HONESTLY, I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS WITHOUT SERIOUSLY CREEPING PEOPLE OUT, BUT IT IS BAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Hello once more, my beautiful and/or handsome Patrons! I hope you are having a wonderful day, because that’s about to change. And how.

In the last pair of chapters, Lola & Co woke up after their epic party to discover that Lola’s Pokeballs had been stolen and oh, by the way, the baby is also missing. The group hops into the DeLorean that appears from out of thin air and speed off towards Hell even though they’ve never gone to Hell that way before. Meanwhile, in the Metallicar, the Dork Side discover that Leslie has stolen Loward (whom she renames Jaslie) because reasons even though they had left the baby for dead at the end of a previous chapter and then the two vehicles crash into one another. There’s a big showdown in the middle of the interstate where the Dork Side tries to use Lola’s Pokeballs only to discover they have stolen the wrong ones. Why Lola failed to mention this during the time she was panicking over having her Pokeballs stolen, I have no idea.  So there was a big fight between Lola’s Pokemons and the Dork Side that ended with the bad guys running away like little cowards, and then the good guys were confronted by Loward/Jaslie for some reason I’m sure I’ll hate.

To the chapters!

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557: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 19 & 20

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: mostly Twilight
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 19
URL: Chapter 20
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, wonderous Patrons!

I’m here with yet another pair of chapters for Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy to confound and amuse you. (Probably more of the first than the second, truth be told.) Before moving on to today’s chapters, let’s see what delights the last couple held for us.

:flips through notes:

Yikes.

:flips through again:

Okay, I think I’ve got it. Looks like Lola & Co had a big house party where everyone ended up passing out, and Team Evil came up with the ingenious plan to sneak in and take back the Masterball containing Satin Satan while killing Loward. They do manage to get the Masterball, as well as other Pokeballs that are just sitting around, yet leave Loward alive but stunned in his crib/crab before stealing the Metallicar and driving off back to Hell even though the trip has never required a car before.

Onward to adventure!

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