2552: Legendary Dungeons, Futuristic Dragons – Chapters 9 and 10

Title: D&D Tag Along
Author: Tint
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapters 9 and 10
Critiqued by BatJamags and Kane

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another thrilling chapter or two of D&D Tag-Along, the fic where the future-present is about to get bone(heimer’)d.

Kane: That was atrocious.

Don’t blame me, blame the author for coming up with the name.

Last time, a series of incompetent and disjointed plans enabled Hockey Stu and Stalky Sue to bumble into *snerk* Boneheimer’s evil fortress, where they walked into yet another obvious trap and managed to avoid getting brutally slaughtered by our stupidly-named villain. When our oddly long-tentacled foe took Stalky Sue hostage, Hockey Stu sold out his entire time period in exchange for her life, because the power of Bone(heime)rs is stronger. Normally, this would be a brilliant move, since there’s no way Bonehead McEvil’s pathetic little mutant army could survive thirty seconds against a modern military force. However, the characters all seem to think that Bonehead McEvil might actually conquer the future, which instead makes it a dick move on Hockey Stu’s part. We then find out that for some reason, only people from Hockey Stu’s time period and eeeeeeeevil creatures can actually pass through the portal, so Hockey Stu is forced to pursue Bonehead McEvil alone. This has the unintended but amusing consequence of implying that Hockey Stu and Stalky Sue are evil creatures, which, being a Stu and a Sue, respectively, they are.

Kane: Enough. If we must continue, let us do so.

D&D Tag Along

And take a look at the title of the fic again! That sure is the title of the fic, and definitely hasn’t ceased to be so since the last chapter.

Chapter 9: Hidden Friends

This shit is exactly why I hate playing hide-and-seek.

A/N: I am so sorry for taking so long to get this chapter out. I was going through a phase where I really didn’t have it in me to write anything. I think that I’m out of it now, so here’s the ninth chapter.

Kane: Truly, I can’t possibly fathom what fell influence would render you unmotivated to produce more of this.

Boredom! Let’s stave it off by not prolonging this.

As we last left off, oh so long ago, Deanna was captured by the evil Mindflayer/Lich known as Boneheimer. Boneheimer learned about Tint and Deanna being from another time period and was intrigued. He took Deanna to our time period in hopes of conquering yet another time period. Tint was then ordered by the king of the past to go back to his time and defeat Boneheimer. Unfortunately, he was going to have to do it alone.

HEY! I’m the riffer; summarizing the last chapter is my job!

Kane: Loathe though I may be to admit it, you did execute this duty more engagingly than the author.

That sounded like about as close to a compliment as anything I’ve heard from you, so I think I’ll take my wins where I can get them and say: Thanks.

(-)

“Thanks for the ride.” I said as I dismounted from the magnificent Pegasus. I ran my hand along the winged horse’s back, giving the creature a friendly pat good-bye. The Pegasus snorted in reply, flapping its immense wings as it started to fly away. Before long, the Pegasus was out of sight.

Bow chicka bow wow?

Kane: I suppose I should also be grateful for that.

Huh? Why?

Kane: It quite efficiently reminded me why I despise you.

I looked around at the town where the Pegasus had dropped me off. It was the original town where I had arrived in, but the town was in horrible condition. Nearly every building had been burned down. The bodies of the mauled citizens scattered the streets. It was almost like a war zone. The really sad thing about this was that I had caused all of this destruction. Was it really worth it to save Deanna?

Kane: No, you driveling idiot! It wasn’t!

There was one single building that still remained mostly intact. It was the tavern that held the path between time periods. Apparently, Boneheimer had felt the need to keep the pathway back in time open for his return. There I was, chasing after an insane creature out to rule the world. My friends were right, I was crazy.

And stupid.

I cautiously approached the door to the tavern, drawing out my sword and shield. Boneheimer might have left some of his troops back to guard the portal. I didn’t want to get killed before I even got back to my time. I tapped the door with my foot and the door swung in with ease. It was almost as if someone was inviting me in.

Kane: If I were Fate and I learned that you were planning to charge blindly into yet another obvious ambush, I would arrange for your demise posthaste.

Well, let’s be honest. You’d have killed him the first time.

Kane: Oh, if honesty is a concern, I wouldn’t have waited for an excuse. Anytime is a good time for a sudden heart attack.

Nervously, I crept into the dark building. Shadows covered nearly every inch of the interior, providing perfect hiding places for anyone who could be waiting for me. I could see where the section of wall that served as the cover to the portal should have been. The wall had been cleanly blown away. All I could see was the dark tunnel stretching into the depths of the earth. “That can’t be good.” I muttered.

Now he’s radioactive!

“About time you showed up.” A familiar voice stated from the shadows near the tunnel. I immediately took up a defensive position behind my shield. “Man, I look like a little pussy. Big tough dragon getting turned into a little flying rat. The gods and goddesses better reward me for coming to help you.”

*Snarl of pure contempt* Dragonshit.

I shook my head in amazement. It was obvious who it was that had come here to join me. I lowered my shield and smiled at the tiny copper dragon that had been looking in the mirror. “Hey Sparks.”

Don’t lower the shield, you gotta protect yourself from his shitheadery.

“Put that shield back up! I’d rather look at my own scrawny form than your ugly mug. Just kidding you, Master Tint.” Sparks showed his reptilian smile as he flew over to my shoulder, taking up his perch.

I’d rather not look at either, but I’ll take his ugly mug if I have to choose.

I gave my pet dragon protector a friendly scratch under his chin. “What are you doing here? Didn’t the king say that the portal wouldn’t let in anyone other than evil creatures and people from my own time period?”

Are you saying Dragonshit isn’t an evil creature?

“You believe that crock of garbage?” Sparks chuckled slightly. “The king was lying to you. He told you that so that the others wouldn’t come with you. The king plans to destroy this portal as soon as you travel through it. That way he can forget about Boneheimer and the future.”

The king is smart. He’s going to get rid of Bonehead McEvil, Hockey Stu, and Dragonshit in one fell swoop. I am 100% on board with this idea.

Kane: He is most certainly failing to earn my respect by a far narrower margin than any other character.

“And what if I refuse to go?” I asked; angered that the king was going to betray the very person who had won the war for him. It wasn’t as if the people were going to forget the destruction that Boneheimer had visited upon them.

Those two sentences have nothing to do with each other.

Sparks pointed a claw back outside. “You are surrounded. The king ordered his private assassins to take care of you if you refuse to go. Plus, you would be abandoning Deanna and I know you like her.”

See, this is a win-win! I’ll have the T-Shirts made up for Team Lord-King Baltimore.

Kane: We’ll have to do something about that name.

“This king is sure an evil person.” I commented, risking a glance out the door. A dark figure quickly darted out of sight. Sparks just had to be right for once.

Evil? He’s the greatest hero this kingdom has ever seen!

Kane: And I prefer to think of myself as Lawful Practical, thank you very much.

Sparks nodded his head sadly. “I do not know which one was worse, Boneheimer or the king. What this country really needs is a new king. You might even be one of the top runners to succeed the king because of your battle heroics.”

That is not even remotely close to how royal succession works, anywhere.

Kane: I don’t know. I’ve encountered an Orc tribe or two…

“I guess that gives me another reason to defeat Boneheimer and come back to this time period. Now, let’s get going.” I calmly stated as I entered the tunnel. I could hear hushed footsteps follow me as I made my way down the tunnel. The assassins were following me to make sure I went all the way through to my time and stayed there.

Wait, how do you plan on coming back when they execute their genius plan?

The footsteps followed me relentlessly. The assassins were obviously not trying to keep their mission a secret. I felt a little nervous and sped up my pace. In reply, the following footsteps matched my pace and surpassed it. It wouldn’t be long until they caught up to me.

Why are they trying to catch up to you? I thought they were just going to close the tunnel behind you.

I took a glance over my shoulder. I could just barely make out the faint outline of a solitary figure. Suddenly, my foot caught itself on something lying on the ground. I stumbled, falling to the floor in a heap. I pulled myself back up to my knees, but stopped there. My hands had come across the object that had knocked me off my feet. I held up the object close to my face and tried to identify it in the darkness.

Whatever this is, it can’t be anything good.

Kane: Probably yet another trap.

The approaching footsteps had stopped not very far from where I was kneeling. I pulled myself back up to my feet, pocketing the mysterious object. Slowly, I began to continue my way along the dark tunnel. The following assassins once again began following me. I felt like I was being hunted.

… for no reason, since you’re already going where they want you to go.

Not long afterwards, I found myself at the base of the ladder. I looked up the length of the ladder and saw that the dumpster was no longer covering the entrance. I could see the sky overhead and was frightened by the sight. The air was a sickly green color, almost as if it had been poisoned.

Probably better than red skies.

Behind me, the assassins had stopped again. I turned around and looked back down the tunnel. “You guys are starting to piss me off! Why don’t you come on out of those shadows and fight me like a man!” I yelled down the tunnel.

Hockey Stu promptly received a crossbow bolt to the eye for his troubles. The en-

*BZZZZT*

I should probably stop doing that.

A figure stepped out of the shadows. It appeared as if the person was wearing a heavy cloak around their shoulders. I pointed my sword at the assassin and beckoned for the person to attack me. In response, the hunter held up an object in the air. It appeared to be a human head. The assassin tossed the head towards me. The head bounced along the ground and came to a stop face up at me. “That’s one of the guys that the king hired to kill you!” Sparks announced.

Who could be evil enough to foil the king’s heroic plan?

I looked back and forth between the severed head and the cloaked assassin. Had this dark figure betrayed the king’s orders and sided with me? “Who are you?” I asked, lowering my sword slightly to show that I was willing to be friendly.

Cloaked Figure: I’m Batman.

The figure took a few steps towards me and into the tiny shimmer of light that was being emitted from the hole above me. My jaw dropped as I recognized my follower. I felt Sparks dive beneath my chain mail shirt in an attempt to hide. “Don’t be scared of Gabriel. Remember, she’s on our side.”

Huh. At least I’ve mostly been able to tolerate her.

Sparks quickly crept back into sight and beamed a goofy embarrassed smile. Even Gabriel smiled, a rare sight from the half fiend. “Found a couple of pests following you. Decided to squash them. Hope you don’t mind.”

Kane: I believe I mind very much.

“Not in the slightest.” I looked past Gabriel and into the shadows. “Aren’t the others with you?”

They had better things to do. In fact, just about everyone has better things to do, including the characters who are in this scene.

Kane: What, precisely, would constitute a “better thing” on Tint’s part?

Uh… quitting while he’s behind?

Gabriel shook her horned head in dismay. “I am afraid not. They did not want to make it an obvious act of rebellion against the king, so the others are off doing missions. Both Rurik and Jillian are out on holy crusades to recruit more soldiers for our world’s defense. My brother has sworn to go find my father and slay him. So, I ended up being the only one available to come help you.”

“Uh, yeah. We have… we have a thing. To do. Which… involves… not helping Tint. It’s a thing. We should definitely go do that thing. Instead of helping Tint.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Well, I take it you don’t believe the king’s statement that good creatures couldn’t pass through this portal.”

Kane: Well, that was entirely illogical, so I imagine the author deserves some meager credit for recognizing as such. Of course, the overall quality of the tale is so depressing that one could hardly predict that this would be the point on which it would achieve self-awareness.

Gabriel raised a skeptical eyebrow. “I thought that you would have figured out that I am lawful evil in nature. Those portal restrictions would not apply to me.”

Eh, I’ll give the author that. Gabriel strikes me as more Chaotic Neutral (probably not Good, but a bit too altruistic to be Chaotic Evil – almost certainly Chaotic, regardless), but her (presumably) Infernal ancestry might override that. On the tabletop, it would probably be the DM’s call. Unless the author is trying to communicate that Gabriel is Lawful Evil, which she really isn’t.

Kane: And certainly not Lawful Practical.

“Welcome to my world then.” I said with a slight chuckle. The fate of my time period rested on the hands of an evil half fiend, a wise-ass midget dragon, and a nerd who had killed a total of two opponents. I would be feeling confident if I was Boneheimer.

*Cackles madly at that last sentence*

Ah, sorry. I just can’t get over Bonehead McEvil’s name.

Sparks had taken off and was now perched at the top rung of the ladder to the outside world. His snout was directed up into the air, sniffing intently at the off-colored atmosphere. “Boneheimer is using his mind control gas again.” Sparks noted, a hint of disgust in his voice as he turned his face away from the air.

Kane: Why, exactly, is this substance ineffective upon the protagonists?

And despite the word “again,” he’s never used this stuff before. Why not?

Instantly after Sparks had smelled the air, I felt a sharp prick in the side of my neck.

“Sharp?” Dragonshit strikes me as being pretty dull, to be honest.

I looked over to see Gabriel remove a small glass needle from my neck. “Mind strengthening potion.” She explained as she tossed away the empty container. I nodded my head in understanding, but suddenly started feeling light headed. Gabriel’s clawed hands held me up as I almost fell over.

Kane: “Mind-strengthening potion”?!

Great, he’s going to have a wizard conniption again.

Kane: Warlock conniption.

Gabriel proceeded to guide me up the ladder, forcing me out into the alleyway. I took a look around and gasped in disbelief. Nearly the entire city had been leveled. Only a few buildings remained even partially intact. I felt Sparks land on my shoulder, “I am sorry that you have to see this.”

Dragonshit: I know, looking at my smug little face can be difficult. But the author wanted a “comic relief” character.

Suddenly, Gabriel pulled us down among the rubble of the library. “What the hell?” I asked as the fiend held a finger up to my lips. Gabriel pointed up to the sky, where a squadron of gigantic red dragons was patrolling the air. I heard Sparks growl jealously as he watched the full sized dragons pass out of sight. “This is going to make things fun.” I commented sarcastically, picking myself up off the ground.

*Rubs hands together* Especially when they burn you all to death. We can make s’mores!

“Stupid Boneheimer and his big stupid dragons. I hate him.” Sparks muttered, shaking a fist up at the sky. I nodded my head silently as I pressed my body up against the remaining section of the surrounding walls. For all I knew, we could be under watch. With the people of my time under Boneheimer’s control, I doubted that I could trust anyone that I used to trust.

Fuck you, Dragonshit.

“Do you know of any good hiding places or where we might be able to learn about Boneheimer’s location?” Gabriel asked as she unfolded her wings, giving the massive black extremities a brief stretch.

I’m now imagining the poor sucker who searched for “massive black extremities” on Google and found this thing.

Nearly instantly after Gabriel stretched her wings a loud gunshot broke the silence. I watched in horror as a large hole was blasted through my friend’s right wing. Gabriel screeched out in pain as she collapsed to the ground. I quickly rushed over to Gabriel’s side, holding up my shield in the general direction of the shooter. “What was that?” The suffering fiend asked as she looked over at the smoking bullet imbedded in the wall.

Bullet: I’m Batman.

“That would be our kind of archers.” I explained, reaching into my pouch in search of something that could be helpful. My hand brushed against the object that I had found in the tunnel. I brought the object out into the light to better identify it. I could not believe my eyes. It was Deanna’s healing stone. Gabriel’s eyes grew huge as I held the stone against the tattered wing. A brief flash of light was emitted from the stone. When the light cleared, the wing was fully intact. “So that was how Deanna had healed that stab wound.” I thought as I returned the stone to my pouch.

Kane: But… why was that in the tunnel?

“Master…” Sparks whispered in a worried tone as he tugged lightly on my ear. I looked behind me and found myself staring down the barrel of a pistol. The holder of the gun turned out to be the leader of the punks who had jumped me. Out of the corner of my eye, I counted at least four other punks. “I see our nerd friend here finally decided to come out of hiding and he brought a lizard and a freak with him.” This brought a chorus of laughter from the jerks.

You see a guy with a sword, a mini-dragon, and some kind of demon-lady, and your first thought is to shoot at them?

You deserve to die, man.

“I take it that these are not friends of yours.” Gabriel commented sarcastically as she was hauled up to her feet. I nodded my head in agreement. Now I counted a total of six punks. Only the leader held a weapon. I felt somewhat confident, even with the gun in my face. I was able to beat these guys on my own. “Hey, Gabby, I think that these are the guys who shot out your wing.”

Kane: I tend to be wary of mysteriously materializing sixth punks.

My suggestion had the desired effect. I heard a few screams of pain emitted as Gabriel slashed out. The leader’s hand began to tremble as he witnessed the carnage that must be unfolding behind me. I took the opportunity to unsheathe one of my knives and drove the blade deep into the punk’s chest. “Ironic, isn’t it?” I whispered, a smile crossing my face as I got my revenge.

I don’t think you understand what irony is. It-

Kane: If the next words out of your mouth are a non-sequitur concerning equines, I will kill you again.

Yeah, but you basically made the reference for me.

The sound of fleeing footsteps attracted my attention. I looked over to see one punk attempting to run away as Gabriel smashed in the head of the only other punk still standing. “Tint, kill him!” Gabriel yelled as she removed her mace from her victim.

I was about to give chase when the punk stopped dead in his tracks. He slowly turned around to reveal his chest had become a pincushion of arrows before collapsing to the ground. I was intrigued to find out who had killed the punk. I didn’t have to wait long as a group of teenagers emerged from around the corner, bows in hand. “Hey there guys. Good to see you again.” I greeted as I rushed towards my former D&D group.

Oh, fuck. We’re still going with the “All nerds are proficient in the use of medieval weaponry and are regularly armed with such” thing?

A/N: There we go. Once again, I apologize for taking so long to get this chapter done and out. I will try to keep on track and keep up with updates. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Peace out.

Well, that was short and unsatisfying. Let’s do another chapter!

Kane: That sequence of statements is a perfect example of why I consider you my intellectual inferior.

D&D Tag Along

Gee, look what still isn’t not the title.

Chapter 10: Dance, Puppets, Dance!

You can tell this chapter is important because it’s both italicized and underlined.

A/N: You all have every reason to hate me for this long wait.

You don’t have to post on a schedule.

It’s just that I’ve been so incredibly busy lately.

Kane: I don’t care.

Turning 18 (legal age in Alberta) makes for some hectic weeks of celebration.

…

The fact that you had to point out that it was legal age for your home puts the rest of your statement in an… interesting context.

Plus there was the wedding, school, drama, and soccer to do.

I really don’t give a damn.

I finally had some free time after I completed the script for our year end drama project, so I figured that I should get this done.

Kane: Oh, dear.

So here it is. Oh, if anyone cares, I’m thinking about posting the play that I wrote because it’s about player/character relationships.

I don’t care about that, either.

(-)

The look on my friends’ faces was full of surprise. They looked at me, their mouths hanging open in disbelief. “Tint… is that you?” Joey asked, carefully approaching me. I barely was able to nod my head before Joey wrapped me up in a huge bear hug. Now, Joey was a huge guy. He played goalie for the high school hockey team. At least he did when there was a high school still standing.

“Where have you been? You’ve been gone for over a month and then all of this crap happened. Your parents were worried sick.” Someone else asked.

He didn’t seem to care when he ran off to fantasyland.

Kane: I sympathize with that decision.

Of course you do.

“Wait. What do you mean were? They’re still worried about me, aren’t they?” I demanded. I was hoping that my gut feeling was wrong, but knowing how Boneheimer worked, my fears were confirmed. “Sorry Tint, they didn’t make it past the initial invasion.” Joey said, trying to sound consoling, but to no avail. The pain had already hit.

Alas, poor unnamed parents. We… didn’t know you. At all. May your deaths serve as a cheap moment of drama for the protagonist, whose (self-)righteous fury will guide your damned souls to Fridgehalla.

I felt myself sinking to the ground, desperately trying to hold back the tears that were eager to burst through. My fist slammed into the ground, the anger inside of me brimming over. “Damn it Boneheimer! I swear, the next time we meet, I will kill you!” I screamed out, my words becoming drowned out by the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Kane: First, your declarations of revenge are pitiful. There is a fine art to them and I’ll not stand to see you defile it. Second, I find it positively fascinating that your voice has somehow been suppressed by your tears.

“Who’s Boneheimer?” A confused friend, Ashley the female wisecracker, asked.

Is that some kind of title? If not, why did it have to be pointed out? Were you worried, that we’d think Ashley was a serious man?

… Huh.

I felt Sparks land on my shoulder, his rough scales feeling incredibly soothing as they brushed against my face. Anything friendly was coming as a good thing for me at this moment. On my other shoulder, Gabriel’s clawed hand grasped tightly as she tried to explain the situation to my friends. “Boneheimer is the leader of this invasion. He, along with all of his forces as well as myself and the dragon, are from the era you know as one similar to your game of Dungeons and Dragons. In fact, that is where Tint has been for this past month, with us. Tint was sent back to his time by the king of our land to slay Boneheimer, making our time safe once again.”

It still makes no sense that something that actually happened somehow ended up in a tabletop RPG despite also somehow having been completely forgotten.

“Good luck.” Ashley commented sarcastically, brushing her shoulder length auburn hair away from her face. Ashley had been my best female friend ever since the beginning of school. That was nearly twelve years ago. She had always been the most innocent person I had ever known. Now, she stood before me with the blood of fallen enemies staining her clothes.

Kane: I remain skeptical that these socially inept twenty-first century adolescents are capable of making themselves useful in a combat situation.

I lifted my head to see my friends nodding their heads in understanding. I’m sure if the story wasn’t coming from a half fiend, they wouldn’t believe it. With the current circumstances, anything was possible. I felt someone helping me back up to my feat while saying, “Come with us Tint. We’ll take you to our hideout.” This was coming from Wesley, the third and final member of my D&D group, a rather nervous and shifty teen. I allowed myself to be helped along through the ruins as our ragtag group scurried towards safety.

That’s a pretty small group, all things considered. Allowing for one to be the DM, that’s only a three-man party. Not unworkable, but four, five, or six is usually a healthier group size. That way it’s not unwieldy, but it’s also not crippling if one person can’t show up.

The streets were lined with decaying bodies, many of them with their skulls ripped open. Boneheimer had personally demolished my hometown. All the more reason to swear vengeance. As we wound our way through the destroyed buildings, my friends filled us in on what exactly had happened.

His Friends: … And then he said that some asshat from our time had sold us all out. You wouldn’t happen to know who that was, would you?

It all started three days ago, coinciding with my meeting with Boneheimer in the dungeon. Everyone was carrying about their regular daily business. Suddenly, before anyone could react, this horrid looking creature began sweeping through the civilians, sucking out their brains. Women, even children, were treated as soldiers before the wrath of Boneheimer.

*Snerk*

Oh man, this guy’s name is pretty much all that’s allowing me to make it through this thing.

Not long after the terror began, the other creatures started pouring out of the portal. Thousands of undead creatures preying off of the few survivors. Orcs and goblins destroying the local police force, bullets bouncing harmlessly off of magical shields cast by demons. Dragons taking to the sky, turning the news helicopters into wreckage. It was horrendous.

Kane: I wish I could say that I’ve rarely seen so thorough a misunderstanding of such a diverse array of subjects in so short a span, but it would simply not be true.

Luckily for my friends, they were out of town at a Star Trek convention. Every television in the world bore the scenes of destruction. It wasn’t long before they caught a ride back home with an army of regular citizens with rifles determined to stop the carnage before it continued with other towns. Unfortunately for this army, they were the second victim of the invasion, getting caught by a group of patrolling black dragons. Somehow, my friends had survived.

“Somehow” is always a good explanation. But I love how the actual army has yet to respond to this. Like, just nuke the place and be done with it. It’s not like there are that many people actually alive in there anymore, so if Bonehead McEvil is that much of a threat, make him not one.

A decision was reached to spend the night under the cover of a bunch of trees instead of carrying on to home. It turned out to be a good decision, because the following morning a squadron of fighter planes and bombers flew overhead. The town would have been carpet bombed if the dragons hadn’t gotten to the planes first. Not long after, ground forces met a similar fate at the hands of a very angry Pit Fiends. Apparently, Boneheimer had managed to draw the services of the creatures as a favor in return for the countless souls that were being delivered to their doorstep of torture.

Kane: While your efforts are admirable, you’ll have to contend with Jayden Warney for the densest concentration of misunderstandings I’ve seen.

By pure luck, my friends had slipped past the invasion forces as they expanded to new territories. They managed to reenter the ruins that were our home. On the outskirts of town, they had run into the horrifying Mindflayer/Lich who had started this invasion, who let them live on one small condition. He wanted them to fight it out to the death with the punks for his entertainment. At the time, they had no idea that he was the one in charge, thinking he was just another scumbag. To me, it all sounded a little suspicious, but it could very well be true. Boneheimer could have learned of their connection to me and was using them as puppets in his desire to screw with me.

Kane: And I imagine the title of the chapter was intended to lead us to conclude that they are perfectly trustworthy and in control of their own faculties.

So far, their story was proving to be true. As we made our way through the wreckage, we crossed paths with many members of Boneheimer’s army. These creatures did little more than point and laugh at us as we passed by. A few were more than suspicious of myself, Gabriel, and Sparks. Joey claimed that we were part of the reinforcements coming through the portal. The creatures bought the story, but I was sure that at least one had gone and told Boneheimer of my presence. It wouldn’t be long until the abomination came after me.

Now, only the Hulk can save them!

The location of my friends’ headquarters was enough proof for me that they were being used as puppets. Only one building in this part of town was even partially intact and it just happened to be my house. On one charred wall remained the burnt outline of two human bodies. My friends tried to redirect my attention, but it was too late, I had noticed the spot where my parents had been murdered.

I’m imagining the whole wall being charred except for a pair of cartoonishly precise outlines behind where his parents done got blowed up.

Upon entering my house, I immediately noticed that my weapon collection had expanded. It now contained almost a thousand pieces. “Our armament.” Ashley explained, noticing my impressed nods. Gabriel was already adding a second heavy mace to her gear. I couldn’t blame her; we were going to need it soon.

Maybe try a gun, morons.

“The war in this town is over now. That group that you guys killed for us were the last of the punks. Boneheimer doesn’t have much use for us any more. He’s probably sending his goons over here to deal with us at this very moment.” Wesley declared as he took a seat next to a broken window.

Wow, the punks really added a lot to this situation.

I looked over my friends, realizing that they had matured so much since I had left them. They were now battle hardened veterans of dealing out death. Such a cruel fate for a bunch of teenagers. At least it was better then being among those who had already met with death and had been on the receiving end of the exchange.

That’s real nice to hear from the guy who caused this horseshit.

“Hey guys.” I began, thinking of something to say that would raise their spirits. “How about when this is over, you come back with us to the D&D world? You guys don’t have anything left here except each other. At least there, you would be living in peace.”

Kane: Irrelevant, because you are all fools who are going to die, and inaccurate, because the King will halt your return.

“Thanks Tint. I for one will accept your offer.” Joey was quick to reply. Both Ashley and Wesley added their approval. Now they had something to look forward to after this was over. Unfortunately, their was one major obstacle between us and that future. Boneheimer.

*Snerk*

That just doesn’t stop defusing the tension.

For some odd reason, Boneheimer had left us with a still working television. The flickering lights fascinated Gabriel and Sparks, both drawn to the glowing screen of static. “It’s pointless to watch that. Boneheimer destroyed the station second day of the invasion.” Ashley explained.

The station. Like, this geographically ambiguous town has one TV station. No network affiliates, no cable, not even any Netflix. One station.

“Boneheimer!” Gabriel suddenly yelled out. I looked over to see her raising her mace high above the TV, prepared to smash the appliance to pieces. “Wait!” I ordered, putting myself between the seething creature and the TV, which now sported the ugly mug of Boneheimer.

On another note, “Ugly Mug of Boneheimer” needs to be Bathtubs and Razorblades’ next album.

“Looks like he’s learning how to use our technology.” Joey commented as he sat down on the couch. Soon, all six of us were gathered around the boob tube, waiting for the warlord to speak. On the screen a bunch of goblins scurried about in a rushed attempt to get everything set up. From the looks of it, Boneheimer was on the verge of smiting his minions.

*Points at fic with a childish grin*

Heh heh. You said “boob.”

Kane: *Heavy sigh*

Finally, Boneheimer spoke, his voice sounding cockier than ever. It was sickening to listen to. “Welcome home, Tint. Do you recognize the place with all of my redecorating? I had a feeling that you would follow me. You are unlike any other human that I have crossed paths with. You did not show fear when you looked into my eyes. I respect you. If you were not so dedicated to opposing me, I could easily make you one of my generals. Unfortunately for you, that is not the case. I sent a present to you that should be arriving any second now. Please stay alive long enough so that I may witness your death.” With that the screen turned black.

Kane: If lack of intimidation were sufficient qualification for a general, warfare would be an even baser pursuit than it is.

“What kind of present do you think he’s talking about?” Ashley asked, her voice quivering.

Bow chicka bow wow.

My mind had already come up with an answer to Ashley’s question. During Boneheimer’s speech, I had heard the house becoming surrounded. I did not say anything at the time because I did not want to frighten my friends any more than they would be when they discovered what had happened. I made my way over to the nearest blown out window and peered outside. Sure enough, the building was surrounded by the likes of every evil creature imaginable. I swallowed nervously as I turned back towards the others. I didn’t need to say a single word. They knew.

So he wants to startle them and catch them by surprise rather than warning them.

Asshole.

Kane: What, pray tell, are the likes of every evil creature imaginable?

Maybe they’re practical creatures.

Without saying a word, we drew our weapons. I decided that it was going to be best if I didn’t use my mirror shield. Instead, I drew the katana that I had been carrying for so long, but had yet to use. I had actually forgotten about the weapon for most of the adventures. It was just there and I had carried it with me, just in case. Today, I was going to need the extra offense.

I’m sorry, what did you say?

Without making the author write any more dialogue, we drew our weapons. The PCC passed me a note saying not to use my mirror shield. Instead, I drew the katana that I had been carrying for so long, but didn’t use because I was too busy being incompetent. The author had completely forgotten about the weapon for most of the fic. It was just ignored but I had carried it in the SDQF, just in case. Today, I was going to need the extra weeb power.

Oh, that makes more sense.

Our silent act of arming ourselves was broken by a call from outside. “We are not here to start a war. We only want the one called Tint.” I went to the nearest window to see who had spoken, having slightly recognized the voice. Sure enough, the speaker was someone who I recognized. The three eyed lady from Dondoria had stepped forward to issue the challenge.

Not here to start a war with the… five people and one miserable little lizard dick in the building. You have an army. They do not have a Hulk. Do the math.

I slowly started walking towards the front door. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Joey asked, trying to block my way. I merely pushed my way past the big guy. “This is personal.” I whispered as I stepped through the doorway and out into the fading light of day. My friends quickly joined me as I stood before the horde of waiting creatures.

His Friends: KILL ‘IM!

“Good of you to join us tonight.” The three eyed woman began. “Boneheimer has made some specific orders regarding you. The two of us are to fight to the death in a one on one battle. No outside interference is to be tolerated.” This brought a chorus of laughter from the gathered minions. The woman silenced them with a quick glare. “That goes for our troops as well. Boneheimer will be here momentarily to enforce his rules, so if anyone steps in to help either of us, they will be slain instantly by the dark lord.”

Or just kill Hockey Stu.

“What’s with all of these rules?” I whispered to my friends.

To make it needlessly complicated to JUST KILL YOU.

Sparks was the one to supply the answer. “This is an ancient tradition from our world. It is a symbol of the respect that the leader of the larger group has for the leader of the smaller group. The winner of the battle gains control over the loser’s armies and possessions. Basically, it is meant to put an end to the bloodshed of war. Good luck, Tint.” Sparks lifted off of my shoulder, joining my friends who had formed a tiny group behind me. At the other end of the street, Boneheimer’s forces were arranging themselves behind the three eyed woman.

You mean an ancient tradition of authors who need a way to have the villain NOT JUST KILL THE STU.

An eerie silence filled the air as all of the spectators awaited the arrival of Boneheimer. The sun was glowing a bright orange as it slowly fell below the horizon. A dark cloud started moving in from the east, coming to a stop above the battle grounds. As if by magic, the clouds began to rearrange, taking the form of a few figures. When everything was done, Boneheimer now hovered above us in his throne. Chained to his throne was a battered Deanna. All of the emotion and life had drained from her face, leaving her as little more than an empty vessel. “Deanna!” I heard Gabriel call out behind me, followed by a brief flutter of wings.

Is Bonehead McEvil’s throne flying?

“No! Don’t move!” I yelled back to Gabriel as she began lifting off the ground. I could hear the sound of hundreds of bows begin to stretch tight as the enemy forces took aim at the half fiend. Gabriel uttered an angry growl as she returned to the ground. One crisis had been averted. I wanted to do the exact same thing, but I knew that it was pointless.

Kane: Really, by all means, feel free to get yourself killed messily.

Boneheimer’s decaying mug showed an emotion that could have been called pleasure. He seemed to be enjoying the position that he had placed us in. The pools of darkness that served as eyes looked back and forth between myself, the three eyed woman, and the sunset. What was so interesting about the sunset? I had seen it thousands of times before.

What is it with this author and the word “mug?”

Boneheimer stayed silent, his eyes becoming glued to the sun. The instant the glowing ball of light completely disapeared from sight, his attention changed to the other horizon. I followed his gaze to see a full moon rising up. “Let the battle commence!” Boneheimer announced to a series of cheers from his minions.

Bonehead McEvil: We must wait for the most appropriately dramatic time of day!

I prepared myself for the inevitable attack, closing my eyes as I waited for my opponents charge. But nothing came. I opened my eyes to see my opponent writhing n agony at the other end of the street. I lowered my guard, carefully approaching the screaming woman.

Kane: Allow me to pretend the source of this behavior is not obvious.

As I got closer, I noticed that her skin was becoming darker, as if a curse had fallen over her.

Still, I moved closer, curiosity drawing me in.

Kane: I rather like the expression about the cat.

Suddenly, the woman lifted her face to meet mine. How it had changed. What had once been the face of a beautiful woman now resembled a wolf’s head. All three of her eyes flickered with an uncanny night glow as they focused on me. Her mouth was now full of razor sharp teeth that looked eager to rip into me. I was staring into the face of a werewolf and I had moved right into her range.

Oh, look, it’s a werewolf.

(-)

A/N: I hope that I didn’t anger anyone by ending this chapter before the fight. I promise that the next chapter is going to be fighting from beginning to end. Thanks for reading this, even after my absence. Next update is in less than one week!

Oh, joy. That means I get to do lots of snipping. In the meantime, I’m out.

Kane: I’ll gladly take my leave as well.

*SLAM!*

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