2545: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bros – Chapter ElevenPosted: February 6, 2020
Title: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bros
Media: Video Game
Topic: Super Smash Bros.
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by Elysium16 and Rimura
Null and Void: 19
Elysium: Welcome back, patrons!
Last time, Kirby threw a tantrum, got comforted, blah blah blah, super boring. This time! …more boring. Also, Captain Falcon! Who is also boring. Sigh.
Chapter 11: Luggage Take Out
Elysium: “We’ve got ‘im in our sights! Take the shot!”
After a while, I decided to draw a picture of me and Jigglypuff with crayons. I am starting to like her character,
Rimura: I, meanwhile, am somewhere between ambivalent and dislike.
she isn’t like the rest of the Smashers
Rimura: You’ve barely known them for a—
(well, we just know each other about an hour ago).
Elysium: No, Quartz, riffing you is our job! Stop being self-aware!
…actually, do be self-aware. It’d be entertaining, at least.
And so far, I like her. I hope she doesn’t change after a while.
Rimura: Unfortunately, Kirby, there’s this little thing called “character development”.
Elysium: Fortunately, Kirby, your author doesn’t seem to understand the concept.
When I was done, I hung the picture on the wall above my desk. Someday I’ll give it to her.
(Note from THE FUTURE!: Three guesses as to whether Quartz remembers this, and the first two don’t count.)
Then came a knock at my door,
Elysium: “Land shark.”
I was expecting Jigglypuff, but when I open the door, it was
Elysium: “—a land shark, who promptly ate me.”
“Hey kiddo, you’re alright what happened.” Captain Falcon said.
Elysium: *as Kirby* “People were nice to me! The horror!”
“Of course, Jigglypuff had to calm me down,” I replied, I was half expecting him to make fun of me because
Rimura: “—I’m a whiny little brat.”
men don’t like pink.
Elysium: Stereotyping! :D
“Puffy calm you down? Huh? A new side of Puffy.” Falcon said
“What do you mean new side?” I said.
Elysium: Left side? Wayside? Dark Side?
“Well, Jigglypuff used to a bitch
Elysium: *as Jigglypuff* “*petulant whine* The food is terrible, and the bedrooms smell, and the water’s carbonated, and the—”
Rimura: *as Falcon* “I’m going to hit you with a heavy rock.”
when she first got here, haven’t seen her in 5 years,
Rimura: …I thought all of you lived together.
Elysium: He’d left for a little bit to wait for a new F-Zero game. *looks off into the distance* Legend has it, he’s still waiting…
but when you tell me she calms you down, it makes her a better Smasher.”
Rimura: This just in, calming children down makes you better at punching things.
Elysium: False. Exhibit A: Rimura, whose strength is equivalent to a buff Pringle.
Wow, that an interesting fact.
“So, I’m guessing you’re here because you want to check on me if I’m alright?”
Elysium: *as Captain Falcon* “No, I came here to make sure the Blinding One hadn’t punished us all for not getting his sacrifice. We’re all alive, so…”
“Correct. So, can I come in?”
I let him inside my room, it felt nice to have someone checking on you, at least he’s nice. For now.
Elysium: DUN-DUN-DUUUUaaah, who am I kidding, this has no payoff.
Rimura: I’m surprised. This is my surprised face.
“Wow, your room is very pink!
(The Formless Void promptly turns a garish shade of neon pink.)
Elysium: OHSWEETFUCK MY EYES!
Rimura: TURN BACK TO VOID BEFORE WE ALL GO BLIND!
except for the wall, it a blue colour,
(The Formless Void turns blue.)
Elysium: Oh thank god.
like your eyes.” Captain Falcon said.
“So, you hate the colour pink?” I said.
Rimura: *rubbing his eyes* What exactly implied that he did?
“Actually, I love the colour pink,”
“So you’re gay then?”
Elysium: Stereotyping! :D
“I’m not gay, I just love the colour, because, fun fact,
Elysium: *as Captain Falcon* “Bees sometimes sting other bees!”
when I first got here, I was wearing a pink suit instead of my purple suit,
Elysium: Pictured: purple, apparently.
I still wear my pink suit, but only on pink day.
Rimura: What the hell kind of holiday is “Pink Day”? What do you even do?
And sometimes on battle. Pink reminds me of my mother, so that’s why I love pink.”
“So, want to get your stuff out and put them in your drawers?” Falcon said.
“Sure, I should have done that before breakfast,” I said.
I and Falcon
Elysium: *eye twitch*
took out my things from my luggage and backpack,
Rimura: That’s literally the same thing!
Elysium: *shoots to her feet and grabs her Thing* Time for a test drive!
(The agents burst into the room.)
DRD Agent: FREEZE AND HAL—!
Elysium: *throws her Thing* GO, MY THING!
(SCENE REDACTED FOR EXTREME DRD MURDER)
Elysium: …holy shit.
Rimura: I…did not know so much blood could come from only five people.
Elysium: …if anyone asks, it was the Specs and Co.
Rimura: *shrug* That’ll work. Now they’ll have to get the bloodstains out of the carpet.
Falcon put my hats, shoes, sunglasses and bows in the drawer.
While I took out my pillow, the sleeping pills, crayons, markers,
Rimura: Still no paper.
food, the knife, and pictures of me and my parents.
I looked at my favourite picture, it’s of me and my parents,
(The agents enter the room, take one look at the blood, and walk right back out.)
in the hospital when I was just born, my parents look so young, I wonder how old they were.
(Note from THE FUTURE!: We’ll find out. It won’t be pretty.)
A tear started to run down my eye.
Elysium: *cringe* Why?!
“So, that’s your parents?” Captain Falcon said.
I quickly hide the picture in my backpack. “I already saw that Kirby, your parents look so young in that picture.”
“Yeah, they do.” Another tear came running down my cheek.
Elysium: Far away, never to be seen again. Take us with you, tear.
“You miss them?”
“Yeah, I really do, they are the only ones I have.”
Rimura: Yes, that…that is how parents work.
Elysium: Ever heard of adopting?
“You can always call them, Kirby, whenever I felt lonely, I call my mother for her kindness. You could do that, Kirby.”
“Maybe your right,
Elysium: What about his right?
I should call them since I just got a phone. But not right now,
Rimura: So. Was there any point to that digression?
Elysium: *faux-cheerfully* Nope!
we still have to get my stuff out of my luggage-“
“Its all done,
Elysium: What about its all done? …and what does “it” mean anyway?
I basically took your stuff and put all of them in the drawer while you were talking about how you miss your parents.”
Elysium: *as Captain Falcon* “Which was most definitely what happened and not that I just threw all your stuff out the window because putting it away was getting boring. Yes. Definitely what happened.”
I looked at my luggage, it’s all gone. “Wow, you’re very quick, Captain Falcon.”
Elysium: *as Kirby* “Eh, seems legit.”
Captain Falcon said, “You don’t have to call me Captain, if you really want, you can call me Bart Lemming.”
(Beat, then Elysium groans and slowly sinks into the couch.)
Rimura: I take it that Quartz is being inaccurate again?
Elysium: No. That’s Falcon’s real name…in the anime.
Most of her information comes from anime adaptations of the games. Why, you may ask?
…would you believe me if I told you Quartz has never played any of the games the Smashers come from?
Elysium: She said as much right here.
So, Quartz, I’m gonna offer you a little bit of advice…
DON’T WRITE FANFICS ABOUT ANYTHING YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT!
Just a suggestion. Back to the riff!
Rimura: I know. Who names their kid Bart?
“Yeah, that my real name, most Smashers call me Captain Falcon because it’s a easy name instead of Bart Lemming.”
Rimura: *as Kirby* “Where on Earth did you get the name ‘Captain Falcon’ then?”
*as Captain Falcon* “Through a very epic adventure and definitely not due to losing a wrestling match to a bird.”
“Well, I’ll just call you Bart, and sometimes Captain Falcon, deal?”
“Yeah, deal!” Captain Falcon said as we shake hands (I have to jump because Falcon is bigger than me).
Elysium: Because Falcon bending over is out of the question…
Captain Falcon said, “Hey Kirby, want to play a prank on someone?”
“A prank? On who?” I said.
“Meta Knight of course!”
Elysium: Knowing this Meta Knight, I would not be surprised if this ended with Falcon’s head hanging from Meta Knight’s door.
“But, wouldn’t we get in trouble?”
“Don’t worry, well hide
Elysium: As in…hiding in a well…hiding a well…or telling a person named well to hide? *boggles*
and Meta Knight won’t know who did it, cmon, Kirby. Don’t you want revenge?”
Elysium: Well, there’s already Dedede’s Revenge and Meta Knight’s Revenge, so Kirby’s Revenge would complete the set…
“After he almost punched me? Sure, let’s do it!”
Elysium: No, no, it’s “HYES!”
Rimura: *stares at her* Were you…talking through your nose there?
“But what will our prank be?”
Rimura: *as Captain Falcon* “Now, see, we’re going to do the classic water-bucket-on-the-door prank, except instead of a water bucket, it’s a guillotine!”
Elysium: How do you know about that prank?
Rimura: Internet. How else?
Falcon looked around the room, he saw the food I got. “This will be perfect!” He said as he took it. “We can use this to prank Meta Knight!”
Elysium: “We can trick him into violating his diet!”
“But that my food.”
Elysium: …oh. I guess Falcon’s head will be hanging from Kirby’s door.
“And? Do you really need it?”
Elysium: *as Kirby* “I killed people over a piece of strawberry shortcake. I won’t hesitate, bitch.”
“Not really,” I sigh.
Rimura: “It’s not like you need food to live.”
“Fine, we can use it.”
“Great, let’s go!” Captain Falcon said as he ran out of my room. “You coming!?” He called for the distance.
Elysium: *as the distance* “Oh, dammit, I told you to stop calling!”
Rimura: *following suit* “I’m getting a restraining order.”
I ran out of my room and close my door,
Rimura: So now they remember, hm?
I then follow Captain Falcon. I am so happy he didn’t find the knife, if he did, I have to answer a lot of questions.
*as Captain Falcon* “What’s that you’ve got in your hand, Kirby?”
*as Kirby* “A knife!”
*as Captain Falcon* “NO!”
And on that note, we’re done! (Good thing, too, because I was getting really sick of this chapter…) Next time: the prank! It’s boring. Then a conversation! It’s also boring.
Then Chapter 14, in which shit takes a turn for the weird.
See you all next time! Byeee~!
Null and Void: 19