2545: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bros – Chapter Eleven

Title: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bros
Author: Quartz2006
Media: Video Game
Topic: Super Smash Bros.
Genre: Romance
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by Elysium16 and Rimura

Current Counts

Null and Void: 19

Elysium: Welcome back, patrons!

Last time, Kirby threw a tantrum, got comforted, blah blah blah, super boring. This time! …more boring. Also, Captain Falcon! Who is also boring. Sigh.

Chapter 11: Luggage Take Out

Elysium: “We’ve got ‘im in our sights! Take the shot!”

After a while, I decided to draw a picture of me and Jigglypuff with crayons. I am starting to like her character,

Rimura: I, meanwhile, am somewhere between ambivalent and dislike.

she isn’t like the rest of the Smashers

Rimura: You’ve barely known them for a—

(well, we just know each other about an hour ago).

Rimura: …oh.

Elysium: No, Quartz, riffing you is our job! Stop being self-aware!

…actually, do be self-aware. It’d be entertaining, at least.

And so far, I like her. I hope she doesn’t change after a while.

Rimura: Unfortunately, Kirby, there’s this little thing called “character development”.

Elysium: Fortunately, Kirby, your author doesn’t seem to understand the concept.

When I was done, I hung the picture on the wall above my desk. Someday I’ll give it to her.

(Note from THE FUTURE!: Three guesses as to whether Quartz remembers this, and the first two don’t count.)

Then came a knock at my door,

Elysium: “Land shark.”

I was expecting Jigglypuff, but when I open the door, it was

Elysium: “—a land shark, who promptly ate me.”

Captain Falcon.

“Hey kiddo, you’re alright what happened.” Captain Falcon said.

Elysium: *as Kirby* “People were nice to me! The horror!”

“Of course, Jigglypuff had to calm me down,” I replied, I was half expecting him to make fun of me because

Rimura: “—I’m a whiny little brat.”

men don’t like pink.

Elysium: Stereotyping! :D

“Puffy calm you down? Huh? A new side of Puffy.” Falcon said

“What do you mean new side?” I said.

Elysium: Left side? Wayside? Dark Side?

“Well, Jigglypuff used to a bitch

Elysium: *as Jigglypuff**petulant whine* The food is terrible, and the bedrooms smell, and the water’s carbonated, and the—”

Rimura: *as Falcon*I’m going to hit you with a heavy rock.”

when she first got here, haven’t seen her in 5 years,

Rimura: …I thought all of you lived together.

Elysium: He’d left for a little bit to wait for a new F-Zero game. *looks off into the distance* Legend has it, he’s still waiting…

but when you tell me she calms you down, it makes her a better Smasher.”

Rimura: This just in, calming children down makes you better at punching things.

Elysium: False. Exhibit A: Rimura, whose strength is equivalent to a buff Pringle.

Rimura: *scowls*

Wow, that an interesting fact.

“So, I’m guessing you’re here because you want to check on me if I’m alright?”

Elysium: *as Captain Falcon* “No, I came here to make sure the Blinding One hadn’t punished us all for not getting his sacrifice. We’re all alive, so…”

“Correct. So, can I come in?”

I let him inside my room, it felt nice to have someone checking on you, at least he’s nice. For now.

Elysium: DUN-DUN-DUUUUaaah, who am I kidding, this has no payoff.

Rimura: I’m surprised. This is my surprised face.

“Wow, your room is very pink!

(The Formless Void promptly turns a garish shade of neon pink.)

Elysium: OHSWEETFUCK MY EYES!

Rimura: TURN BACK TO VOID BEFORE WE ALL GO BLIND!

except for the wall, it a blue colour,

(The Formless Void turns blue.)

Elysium: Oh thank god.

like your eyes.” Captain Falcon said.

“So, you hate the colour pink?” I said.

Rimura: *rubbing his eyes* What exactly implied that he did?

“Actually, I love the colour pink,”

“So you’re gay then?”

Elysium: Stereotyping! :D

“I’m not gay, I just love the colour, because, fun fact,

Elysium: *as Captain Falcon* “Bees sometimes sting other bees!”

when I first got here, I was wearing a pink suit instead of my purple suit,

Elysium1

Elysium: Pictured: purple, apparently.

I still wear my pink suit, but only on pink day.

Rimura: What the hell kind of holiday is “Pink Day”? What do you even do?

And sometimes on battle. Pink reminds me of my mother, so that’s why I love pink.”

“Wow,”

“So, want to get your stuff out and put them in your drawers?” Falcon said.

“Sure, I should have done that before breakfast,” I said.

I and Falcon

Elysium: *eye twitch*

took out my things from my luggage and backpack,

Rimura: That’s literally the same thing!

(ALARM BLARES)

Elysium: *shoots to her feet and grabs her Thing* Time for a test drive!

(The agents burst into the room.)

DRD Agent: FREEZE AND HAL!

Elysium: *throws her Thing* GO, MY THING!

(SCENE REDACTED FOR EXTREME DRD MURDER)

Elysium: …holy shit.

Rimura: I…did not know so much blood could come from only five people.

Elysium: …if anyone asks, it was the Specs and Co.

Rimura: *shrug* That’ll work. Now they’ll have to get the bloodstains out of the carpet.

Falcon put my hats, shoes, sunglasses and bows in the drawer.

While I took out my pillow, the sleeping pills, crayons, markers,

Rimura: Still no paper.

food, the knife, and pictures of me and my parents.

I looked at my favourite picture, it’s of me and my parents,

(ALARM BLARES)

(The agents enter the room, take one look at the blood, and walk right back out.)

in the hospital when I was just born, my parents look so young, I wonder how old they were.

(Note from THE FUTURE!: We’ll find out. It won’t be pretty.)

A tear started to run down my eye.

Elysium: *cringe* Why?!

“So, that’s your parents?” Captain Falcon said.

I quickly hide the picture in my backpack. “I already saw that Kirby, your parents look so young in that picture.”

“Yeah, they do.” Another tear came running down my cheek.

Elysium: Far away, never to be seen again. Take us with you, tear.

“You miss them?”

“Yeah, I really do, they are the only ones I have.”

Rimura: Yes, that…that is how parents work.

Elysium: Ever heard of adopting?

“You can always call them, Kirby, whenever I felt lonely, I call my mother for her kindness. You could do that, Kirby.”

“Maybe your right,

Elysium: What about his right?

I should call them since I just got a phone. But not right now,

Rimura: So. Was there any point to that digression?

Elysium: *faux-cheerfully* Nope!

we still have to get my stuff out of my luggage-“

“Its all done,

Elysium: What about its all done? …and what does “it” mean anyway?

I basically took your stuff and put all of them in the drawer while you were talking about how you miss your parents.”

Elysium: *as Captain Falcon* “Which was most definitely what happened and not that I just threw all your stuff out the window because putting it away was getting boring. Yes. Definitely what happened.”

“Wait? What?”

I looked at my luggage, it’s all gone. “Wow, you’re very quick, Captain Falcon.”

Elysium: *as Kirby* “Eh, seems legit.”

Captain Falcon said, “You don’t have to call me Captain, if you really want, you can call me Bart Lemming.”

(Beat, then Elysium groans and slowly sinks into the couch.)

Rimura: I take it that Quartz is being inaccurate again?

Elysium: No. That’s Falcon’s real name…in the anime.

Most of her information comes from anime adaptations of the games. Why, you may ask?

…would you believe me if I told you Quartz has never played any of the games the Smashers come from?

Rimura: …what.

Elysium: She said as much right here.

So, Quartz, I’m gonna offer you a little bit of advice…

DON’T WRITE FANFICS ABOUT ANYTHING YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT!

Just a suggestion. Back to the riff!

“Bart Lemming?”

Rimura: I know. Who names their kid Bart?

“Yeah, that my real name, most Smashers call me Captain Falcon because it’s a easy name instead of Bart Lemming.”

Rimura: *as Kirby* “Where on Earth did you get the name ‘Captain Falcon’ then?”

*as Captain Falcon* “Through a very epic adventure and definitely not due to losing a wrestling match to a bird.”

“Well, I’ll just call you Bart, and sometimes Captain Falcon, deal?”

“Yeah, deal!” Captain Falcon said as we shake hands (I have to jump because Falcon is bigger than me).

Elysium: Because Falcon bending over is out of the question…

Captain Falcon said, “Hey Kirby, want to play a prank on someone?”

“A prank? On who?” I said.

“Meta Knight of course!”

Elysium: Knowing this Meta Knight, I would not be surprised if this ended with Falcon’s head hanging from Meta Knight’s door.

“But, wouldn’t we get in trouble?”

“Don’t worry, well hide

Elysium: As in…hiding in a well…hiding a well…or telling a person named well to hide? *boggles*

and Meta Knight won’t know who did it, cmon, Kirby. Don’t you want revenge?”

Elysium: Well, there’s already Dedede’s Revenge and Meta Knight’s Revenge, so Kirby’s Revenge would complete the set…

“After he almost punched me? Sure, let’s do it!”

“Yes!”

Elysium: No, no, it’s “HYES!”

Rimura: *stares at her* Were you…talking through your nose there?

Elysium: Ehhhhh…maybe?

“But what will our prank be?”

Rimura: *as Captain Falcon* “Now, see, we’re going to do the classic water-bucket-on-the-door prank, except instead of a water bucket, it’s a guillotine!”

Elysium: How do you know about that prank?

Rimura: Internet. How else?

Falcon looked around the room, he saw the food I got. “This will be perfect!” He said as he took it. “We can use this to prank Meta Knight!”

Elysium: “We can trick him into violating his diet!”

“But that my food.”

Elysium: …oh. I guess Falcon’s head will be hanging from Kirby’s door.

“And? Do you really need it?”

Elysium: *as Kirby* “I killed people over a piece of strawberry shortcake. I won’t hesitate, bitch.

“Not really,” I sigh.

Rimura: “It’s not like you need food to live.”

“Fine, we can use it.”

“Great, let’s go!” Captain Falcon said as he ran out of my room. “You coming!?” He called for the distance.

Elysium: *as the distance* “Oh, dammit, I told you to stop calling!”

Rimura: *following suit* “I’m getting a restraining order.”

“Yeah!”

I ran out of my room and close my door,

Rimura: So now they remember, hm?

I then follow Captain Falcon. I am so happy he didn’t find the knife, if he did, I have to answer a lot of questions.

Elysium: Like:

*as Captain Falcon* “What’s that you’ve got in your hand, Kirby?”

*as Kirby* “A knife!”

*as Captain Falcon* “NO!”

And on that note, we’re done! (Good thing, too, because I was getting really sick of this chapter…) Next time: the prank! It’s boring. Then a conversation! It’s also boring.

Then Chapter 14, in which shit takes a turn for the weird.

See you all next time! Byeee~!

Current Counts

Null and Void: 19


51 Comments on “2545: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bros – Chapter Eleven”

  1. BatJamags says:

    After a while, I decided to draw a picture of me and Jigglypuff with crayons. I am starting to like her character,

    Well considering that the only categories of characters here are ones who are assholes for no reason and ones who have no defining traits at all, I find that hard to believe, even if she is in the second category.

    • Elysium16 says:

      You’ll be hard-pressed to like anyone here. Everyone is either:

      A. Extraordinarily bland.
      B. A jackass for no reason.

      Or, in the sequel series, C. All of the above.

  2. BatJamags says:

    men don’t like pink.

    Well, guilty as charged.

    Now lightish red on the other hand…

  3. BatJamags says:

    Rimura: *as Falcon* “I’m going to hit you with a heavy rock.”

  4. BatJamags says:

    “Actually, I love the colour pink,”

    Man, weird clothing slogans got wordy while I wasn’t looking.

  5. BatJamags says:

    Captain Falcon said, “You don’t have to call me Captain, if you really want, you can call me Bart Lemming.”

    Meh, I’ve heard more embarrassing secret IDs. It beats Roy G. Bivolo.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Captain Falcon said, “Hey Kirby, want to play a prank on someone?”

    “A prank? On who?” I said.

    “Meta Knight of course!”

    I can’t think of any way this could end poorly.

  7. BatJamags says:

    “But that my food.”

    “Me only share with Jane.”

  8. Em Kay says:

    Chapter 11: Luggage Take Out

    Arguably the worst kind of Chinese food to order.

  9. BatJamags says:

    “Great, let’s go!” Captain Falcon said as he ran out of my room. “You coming!?” He called for the distance.

    I’d hope not, but given what we already know about this fic, I should know better than to hope in the Library.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Then Chapter 14, in which shit takes a turn for the weird.

    I am extremely concerned that what we’ve seen so far doesn’t count as the weird part.

  11. Em Kay says:

    “Puffy calm you down? Huh? A new side of Puffy.” Falcon said

    She’s a Pokemon whose best known ability is putting others to sleep. why is this surprising?

  12. Em Kay says:

    (The Formless Void promptly turns a garish shade of neon pink.)

    Elysium: OHSWEETFUCK MY EYES!

    Rimura: TURN BACK TO VOID BEFORE WE ALL GO BLIND!

    Fun Fact*: In middle school I slept over at a friend’s house and all 4 walls of her room were painted a very bright hot pink. Her window faced east so morning was excruciating. I never slept over again.

    *Definitely a fact, but definitely not fun.

  13. Em Kay says:

    “Yeah, I really do, they are the only ones I have.”

    Rimura: Yes, that…that is how parents work.

    Elysium: Ever heard of adopting?

    And step-parents!

  14. Em Kay says:

    “Well, I’ll just call you Bart, and sometimes Captain Falcon, deal?”

    Because consistency is for losers!

  15. Em Kay says:

    “But what will our prank be?”

    Stupid, childish, and illogically executed?

  16. JacobLobo805 says:

    How dare you make fun of my half sister’s work! You don’t understand! She put so much effort into her work! And your making fun of her for no reason! You guys are fighting more that stupid *BLEEEEEEEEP* with no life at all!

    • BatJamags says:

      Well, I could say that criticism is important and hardly qualifies as “no reason,” or that the story actually seems pretty low-effort other than sheer wordcount, but I figure the person slinging homophobic slurs (that bleep didn’t used to be a bleep) is probably not here looking for a rational discussion.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Regardless of anything else I felt I should point this out in your tirade:

      And your making fun of her for no reason!

      No, we are making fun of her fanfiction. That is a different thing to making fun of her. We know little enough about her that making fun of her would be aimless and without merit.

      We may poke some fun her way, but the glut of the mockery is at what she produced, not her, as we can objectively analyze that product. She, and her camp of fans, might decide to take it personally, but no personal slights were fired her way. And, frankly, no amount of criticism will likely change the minds of those who already follow this piece, so the riffs can be safely ignored by that clique as just more haterz flammin.

      However, if your sister wishes to improve as a writer, there is valuable information on her missteps hidden between the humor that she should be able to profit and grow from. That’s up to her, but we invite her to read the entire riff series in its entirety and ask questions in the comments section.

    • Elysium16 says:

      I could talk about how I’m trying to legitimately critique this story under my heavy sarcasm. I could talk about why I’m riffing this story, such as the disturbing implications and the confusing grammar. Hell, I could even talk about the many reasons this fails as a romance.

      But currently, I’m distracted by two questions.

      1. Does this count as an Author Endorsement?

      And 2.

      You guys are fighting more that stupid *BLEEEEEEEEP* with no life at all!

      What does this mean?

      Not the bleeped out word. I have a pretty good idea of what that is. But what are we fighting? Why does it have no life? Is it a lich? Did the Library go to war with Boneheimer while I wasn’t looking?

      I need to know these things.

      • Elysium16 says:

        In other news, I’m pretty sure this guy downvoted all the comments on the Chapters 7-8 riff.

        I mean…at least he’s being petty on someone else’s behalf?

      • BatJamags says:

        1. Does this count as an Author Endorsement?

        We’ve logged less directly connected white knights on there before. I’ll add this one.

      • SC says:

        But what are we fighting? Why does it have no life? Is it a lich? Did the Library go to war with Boneheimer while I wasn’t looking?

        Well, we did have a rather disastrous attack by Xenoponies a while back, and I’m not sure if we ever resolved that, but I do recall that someone allowed the Specs and Co. to operate military machinery, which is always a bad idea, even if it’s the only idea you have.

        • crazyminh says:

          I think Carol may have given up on that. The last I heard about chapter two was about two or three months ago, and she’s been working on this for a year now.

          Of course, she is still in High School, so she might just be busy with that. I’ll see if I can get a update on it soon. Wouldn’t want to miss the chance at another April Fools Day posting, eh?

    • crazyminh says:

      Heh. “…(she) put so much effort into her work”

      That’s work than you put into your SPaG. Look at all those unnecessary exclamation marks!

  17. JacobLobo805 says:

    Piss off all of you! If you didn’t create this ‘riffing story’ s**t, I wouldn’t be typing this! Do you guys want to know also? I WAS APART OF THIS STORY TOO! Look, I just love my little half-sister. And I am begging you guys to STOP riffing mine and my sister’s story. One more thing, I actually inspired my sister to write fanfiction because she been depressed before writing stories (she was depressed because her teacher died). Even if I am her half brother, I still love her. I am raising money for her to go to college. I am telling you all this. Leave us alone.

    • GhostCat says:

      As it has already been pointed out, we are not attacking your sister, or you. This is a humorous critique of a fictional work pointing out its many flaws. Writing can be very cathartic, and is often good therapy, but if you or your sister are sensitive to criticism then why did you/she publish it on the Internet? I haven’t been over to the Archive page, but I can’t imagine that every review left is all rainbows and kittens.

    • SC says:

      Yeah, hi, I’m riffing an author who admits to suffering from depression. In the riff, I make it a point to mention that I don’t joke around with depression, because it’s a real issue.

      And yet I’m still riffing their fic. Because the work they made is not the person, themselves – it’s just a thing they made. People make things and get complimented or critiqued for it all the time. It’s called “life.”

      To that end: We have told you already that this is not personal. We simply saw the story, thought it wasn’t the best it could be, and decided to poke fun at it. We’re not attacking your half-sister, or you, for that matter. We’re not even really attacking the story. We’re just having a bit of good-humored fun at the story’s expense. Or have you never told a joke before where you wound up ribbing something as part of the punchline?

      Furthermore, one of our own riffers is struggling with depression. It’s not like we’re unsympathetic to the issue. So, I’m not really bought over by you attempting to wield depression at us as some kind of warding talisman. If anything, that’s incredibly disrespectful to your half-sister, since it’s HER depression you’re trying to come after us with.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Leave us alone.

      I cannot help but wonder at this sentiment as it is you who are coming here unbidden. If this site and its contents distress you so much, perhaps you should not read our riffs and instead spend your time and energy elsewhere. You’ll be heartened to know that our corner of the internet is only sparsely populated. At most I’d say we have maybe two-dozen active followers, so it’s quite likely that ignoring us will be an effective way of not having to see what we’re posting.

    • crazyminh says:

      Depression???

      You’re seriously pulling this particular string???

      Gather round, all, for I haveth a story! Back in Ye Olde days of Teen!Minh, I was a Y11 student in High School. One of my friends had such bad depression that he could barely attend school. He nearly committed suicide at one point off the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

      You have NO idea how bad depression can be, especially since you’re a spectator; rather than a victim. I suffer from anxiety disorder, ADHD, Aspergers, and a long list of associated conditions. I have gotten to around the same point as my friend before; and it disgusts me that you can play your Sisters alleged condition as a goddamm pity card.

      Fuck off, genuinely experience depression, and come back when you know the meaning of the word.

      • SC says:

        genuinely experience depression

        Well, I mean, I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, because depression really sucks to have, but otherwise the point stands.

  18. Quartz2006 says:

    Hey guys, (yes this is the REAL Quartz2006) I recently discovered this site from my half-brother, he told me that people were bullying my story and more, but when I checked, I wasn’t sad or mad. I was ok with it! You guys are fine using my story as humour.

    Anyway, my brother CAN be an idiot, cause he has “Autism Spectrum Disorder”(If you have no idea what that means, look it up). He doesn’t understand what you guys are doing with my story.

    Also, the “depression” thing? That s**t was 8 years ago! My brother posted that comment so you guys can stop riffing my story (idiot!).

    So, in conclusion, I have no problem riffing my story. To me, it looks like you guys are giving me some *feedback” and making me laugh sometimes! Keep on riffing my stories! I don’t care! (I am also excited for you guys to riff on my sequel series! I am sure it’s gonna be funny and helpful)


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