1844: Adam and the Chipmunks Diablo Trailer – Oneshot

Title: Adam and the Chipmunks Diablo Trailer
Author: chipmunkfanantic
Media: Video Game / Television
Topic: Alvin and the Chipmunks / Diablo
Genre: Mystery/Fantasy
URL: Adam and the Chipmunks Diablo Trailer
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Gonna be in for a bit of a short one today.  I feel like death warmed over, so I decided I needed a little pile of fail rather than a heap.  That’s when I remembered I had something in my stack that fits the bill.

It’s also a hot mess, so this should be fun.  But, what else can you really expect for a Diablo / Alvin and the Chipmunks crossover.

No, you did not read that wrong.  On a better day I’d give infodumps of both those canons, but today is not a better day and, frankly, the canons won’t provide any context to help this thing.

So how hot of a mess is it?  Well…

A story based on the famous first game diablo Grant a general for a war fought by a king soon gives him and his group that has worked along side him for so long to now find out what is going on in a small town called Tristram but of what they find is shocking it will send them to the depths of hell to vanquish it as there will be many twists and turns from the church to Hell R&R

You’ll probably notice right off the bat that sentences aren’t a strong point of this author.

So, basically the premise of this fic seems to be to follow the plot of the first Diablo game, such that it was.  This is somewhat forgivable of an idea since Diablo had a pretty basic plot featuring a silent, generic player avatar, so there are a lot of blanks that could be filled in to make the story more interesting.

Unfortunately, this appears to be a case of an okay idea being ruined by execution.

A/n : Hello and greetings reader this story or trailer in this case will be the one story cause I have played the game however it’s going to be different at least a bit from the game as there will be magic involved

Let me stop you right there.  Sanctuary is nothing if not a magical realm.  Heck, one of the three classes in the game is a sorcerer.  Not to mention the whole plot of the second game is just oozing with magical shenanigans.  So, author, how does involving magic differentiate your work from Diablo?

Also, punctuation is definitely still a thing.  You should give it a try.

but it gets interesting as they fight there way to hell to take on the Lord of Terror Diablo himself so enjoy the trailer and leave your feedback

Fortunately for us all, the author never made good on his threat to make more than a trailer.

I’m not even going to touch on a piece of literature having a trailer.  Down that path lies madness.

A Town haunted by demons from hell the dead rising from there graves but there are problems

Wait, you mean the demons and zombies aren’t the problems?  I’m not sure your priorities are set correctly.

Grant’s POV

Hey, look!  A POV tag in a fanfiction trailer!

*Surreptitiously presses the silent alarm*

Isn’t it wonderful!

I’ve seen stuff that most people would consider heroific

So like, what, Batman or Wolverine or somebody like that, or are we talking the more everyday heroes such as firefighters, paramedics, and taco truck drivers?

but as I ride back to my kingdom people praise me like i’m hero since I helped win some war …

That’s when he bursts out his lovable catchphrase: “If I wanted to see something heroific, I’d look in the mirror!”

 

I’m no hero i’m just someone doing my job that’s that some people tagged along  Adam a warrior Alvin an archer Brittany also an archer and finally Simon and Jeanette both mages and Theodore a Monk and finally Charlene a barbarian .

That’s actually physically painful to read.

For those not familiar with Alvin and the Chipmunks, everybody after Adam is, I presume, a personified version of the chipmunks from the show.  I have no idea who Adam is, but presumably some kind of OC standin for Dave Saville, the manger/adoptive father of the chipmunks.

We rode through the streets with people on either side cheering our names .

Which is odd.  Usually very few members of the army would be known by name; generally only those who did things of extreme note or those in positions of power.  I find it unlikely that this entourage would be comprised of such.

But as for me I simply waved at them with a plastered smile on my face .

The use of the contrasting conjunction at the beginning there makes it seem like Grant is waving and smiling at his soldiers.  That’s probably creeping them right the hell out.

However what I wasn’t ready for was a small town known as Tristram was under siege from something that no one understands

And especially nobody expected it to happen in the parade!

the preachers called them demons from hell but I was able to ignore them

LALALA Can’t hear you, demons!

and if you thought about it I simply just go on about my day .

And if I refuse to think about it, what will you do then?  Huh?  HUH!?  I guess the shoe is on the other hand now, isn’t it!

When we reached the castle we got off our horses and walked inside and what a feast we had that night . After the feast we were to go to our rooms for the night .

And then, Diary, you would’t have guessed who I found in my room, but Adam!  He looked at me with those sultry eyes and bedroom lips and said he wanted to ride me like a warg!

I’m not sure I understood what that meant because twenty minutes later we were in Mordor hunting man-flesh.

But everything came at a blur to me what I can remember was receiving the assingment from some king that I served under

Man, college, right?  Some of the best nights out partying were followed by mornings where I’d wake up and realize I’d become a vassal to some dude in a rockin’ cape.  And he’s all like, “Sir Taco you must find the cup of Chris” or something and I’m like, “Dude, is there coffee in it, cause you’re speaking like super loud.”  Good times.

cause I sorta remember the party/feast beer food and women something that I just couldn’t remember as to why

So then the king was like, “Bro, I’m your lease, you do what I say!”  And I was all, “I’m gonna toss, hand me your hat.”  But he didn’t want to give me the hat!  Something about the gown jewels being precious and that I should puke on some dude named Lou.  I guess when you’re a king you can’t just barf on the floor like the rest of us, he’s gotta have a guy to puke on.

but the next day we set off with our gear for the town of Tristram when we got there I told them to remain where they are

Why is he ordering the gear around?  Why does he even think he needs to do that?  Surely the gear can stay stationary without being micromanaged.

while I went and talked to the one of running the ‘Inn’ .

At the ‘Inn’ where they served ‘beer’ and ‘food’ and had a number of ‘rooms’ to ‘let’ for the ‘night.’

 “Excuse me sir but what has happened?” I asked wanting to get to business . “thank goodness you and your men have arrived the dark forces recently come and those who took up arms were slain or dragged away to become slaves or worse, the church at the edge of town has been desecrated and has since then been used for dark rituals

Yes, yes, but the prose itself told us that the dark forces weren’t the problem, so can you get to the actual issue here?

Also, canonically it was King Leoric who started the destruction of Tristram due to his ever growing paranoia over perceived treason.  After he’d killed half the people living in Tristram, the demons attacked, killing most of those who were left.

Which is somewhat pertinent here because Leoric wouldn’t have ordered his knights to investigate Tristram, he would have ordered them to go and kill traitors, so Grant’s king must be from a different kingdom.  Given the war that just happened, it’s very likely that this kingdom would be Westmarch and the king Cornelius.  Since they had just won the war against Leoric, that would make Grant’s forces here an invasion or raiding party.

This is why it’s so important to do your research, author.  Otherwise a smartass like me comes along and spins your plot-holes into something that could actually be interesting.

follow the path between my Inn and the blacksmith shop and save who you can perhaps but a lot has changed my friend perhaps we can talk more , Good Luck” said the man .

It might just be me, but I think the innkeeper may have suffered a stroke at some point.  Possibly during the conversation.

 I was able to get his name has name was Ogden as he ran the rising sun Inn basically it’s like a bar and a place to sleep all in one

So you’re saying the inn is an inn.  Much profound.

Congratulations, author, you made yourself look stupid by thinking you needed to explain what an inn is to your audience.

either called a pub or an Inn .

And you just keep digging.  A pub and an inn are actually two different things.  Similar, but distinct.  The easiest way to know the two apart from one another is to think of an inn as a pub with lodging.

That’s oversimplifying because the services of the two grew apart over the years (and then back together in the Americas), but the essential difference is that pubs don’t have a place to rent out for the night.

I talked to Griswold to see what he knew he only told me of what he knew since the changes took place in Tristram .

So you asked him what he knew, and he told you.  Riveting.

To take out all evil errands must be completed in order to get the town functioning again

You know, the inn’s takeout policy might be part of the problem.  Sure, sometimes a lager and a sandwich are worth a few evil errands, but it can’t be helping the town any.

“Alright lets head out we have the information that we need to take out whatever evil that is here and destroy it for good” I said .

*ALARMS BLARE BLARINGLY*

I’m too ill for this.  Hold on.

*Taco pulls a seemingly random lever on the console.  Moments later Swenia drops into the room through a Suddenly There™ trapdoor in the ceiling*

“What the hell!?  I was in the middle of a Game of Thrones marathon.”

You only watch that for the nudity.

“Hey, the plot is a lot better than most porn.  It’s like nudity and a show.”

Whatever, we’ve got DRD inbound, I thought you’d like some exercise.

*Taco lobs an overly complicated looking rifle at Swenia*

Bifocals made you a new toy just now.  Apparently it can channel pure lust into a beam of sexy destruction.  I honestly don’t want to know.

“Alright, you’ve piqued my interst.  Let’s do this!”

*A scene of confusing violence later*

“Does the beam have to be pink?”

Pink is the natural color of lust.

Little did I know that this wasn’t going to be THAT easy heck before we even entered the church we saw a wounded townsman we could tell that he was close to death .

Like, I hear you.  Oh my gawd, he was all bleeding and stuff and I was like, “Dude, grody, keep that stuff inside you, these shoes are like totally brand new.”

But we had to listen to what he had to say .

So then he started talking about stuff and I totally didn’t understand him with all that moaning and stuff.  Such a drama queen.  Anyway, I was like TLDR and just played Words with Friends with Leoric.  And OMG, I never realized that sword had a “w” in it!

“Please Listen to me the archbishop Lazarus he was the one who lead us down here the bastard lead us all into a trap , now everyone is dead killed by a demon called the butcher, AVENGE US find this demon and slay him so that our souls may finally rest in peace” he said before his eyes finally closed as we knew .

Hey look, commas!  Horrible, misused commas.

“Your death’s will be avenged” said Alvin with anger in his voice .

I’m sure there’s a Garfield Effect reference I could make here.

And so we walked inside and what we saw was shocking well shocking was an understatement we saw various coffins and what not .

That’s so shocking!  Coffins and… stuff!  My gods, how could they gaze upon that without immediately descending into madness!?

“The air of this place is foul” said Brittany with a face that would make an enemy soldier run in fright .

That’s not very nice.  Brittany can’t help the way her face looks.

“I agree but we must do what we can” I said drawing my sword .

ATTACK THE COFFINS OF MADNESS!

Everyone else drew there weapons or had an arrow ready to go Simon and Jeanette didn’t know much of spells or magic but they planed everything out .

First level sorcerers, amIrite?  They only have magic missile, but they make up for the lack of firepower with immaculate planning!

We saw a couple of skeletons which wasn’t surprising so we took them out and proceeded down the hallway till we came to a door and THAT was when we saw a library filled with … demons ?

You know, just some animated skeletons, no biggie, we see those al- holy fuck is that a library!?

Which was odd but we dispatched them and where there are skeletons there are yes zombies .

Wait, “yes zombies”?  So, like, all the dead members of Yes have been brought back to serve Diablo?  That’s a pretty interesting choice, I never figured Diablo for a progressive rock fan.

So Simon and Jeanette picked up the spell holy bolt for themselves .

Wait, so the Yes Zombies were running a magic shop?  They can’t be doing much business in this cathedral.  Then again, demons probably need spells, too.

All we had to do was this get the spells and move out .

Do the Yes Zombies have your spells on layaway, or is this a special order that they have to send out for?  Or is it like the old days at Toys-R-Us where you have to bring your merchandise ticket up to the stock counter?

Sure enough we dispatched a few more demons zombies and skeletons which wasn’t that hard .

I’m so glad.  I hate it when the characters I’m reading about are challenged.  Reading all that interesting stuff is so draining.

Can they save the mysterious prince whom was kidnapped or will the town fall to ruin ?

If this is supposed to follow the Diablo canon, which seems to be the case, then the answers are: no they won’t save him, and the town will fall to ruin.  And that’s if they succeed.

Coming Soon this story is not yet rated coming soon 2018

This was written back in 2013, we can hope that our author has thought better of this terrible idea in the interim.

And that’s it.  That’s the fic.  I’ll say this, at least it was short!

Anyway, I’m going to go curl up in the pillow vault, catch you all next week, patrons!

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