1781: THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING – Chapter One, Part One

Title: THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING
Author: GaGa4FrightNight
Media: Movie
Topic: The Princess Bride (Movie Version)
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL:Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello my lovelies!

I’ve decided to do a rotating update schedule for a little bit, to break up the pure insanity that is “Betrayal.”  One can only take so much of that sort of stupid before one’s eyes go crossed.  So, to break it up, I’m going to introduce you to “THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING,” a fic which is apparently yelling at us from the get go.

A quick glance at the profile shows that the author is fully capable of not using all-caps to type out fic titles, so I have no idea why they chose to do it this time.  If you’d like to take a peek at the profile, be ready for the pretentious ramblings of a supposedly late-30’s obsessive Fright Night fan.  Twenty-three of their twenty-four fics are Fright Night.  The twenty-fourth you will be reading shortly.

Now, before we begin, I would like to say that this is a hell of a lot easier to read than “Betrayal.”  That doesn’t make it better; it’s just bad in different ways.  It contains questionable grammar choices and a character that made my Sue-dar buzz before I even finished reading the summary.

Before we begin, I’ll give a brief, spoiler-ridden summary of “The Princess Bride,” for anyone living under a rock these last 30 years.  (And yes, Taco, this is all your fault for selecting the novel “The Princess Bride” for our family book club.  I’ve just finished it and it made me realize we have not yet touched this fandom in our Library.)

Anyway, the book varies a bit from the movie but, as the author of the book also wrote the screen play, it stays relatively true to the source material.  But there are a couple little differences.  Given that this fic takes place in the movie-verse, I’m not going to bother pointing out variations between the book and movie.  I’ll just go strictly by what happens in the movie.  And that is, essentially, this:

Jenny from Forest Gump falls in love with Robin Hood, who is killed off screen. She then has to marry the voice of Jack Skellington because he’s the prince and she’s supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  The prince, however, is a giant douche-hat, and hires Rex, the dinosaur from Toy Story, to kidnap and kill her, all while framing their neighboring country so they can have a nice war.  Rex uses a pro-wrestler and a young Jason Gideon from Criminal Minds to accomplish this.  Rhyming ensues. Then Robin Hood shows up out of nowhere because he’s not dead, he’s a pirate!  He defeats Jason and the pro-wrestler but leaves them alive, then kills Rex in a match of wits that was really cheating because “Oh, I’m immune to poison LOL!”  Jenny finds out who Robin Hood really is, they get kissy, then they run into a swamp to avoid the voice of Jack Skellington.  In the swamp, Jenny nearly gets them both killed because useless, then a small guy in a rat suit tries to eat Robin Hood, they escape the swamp, get captured by the voice of  Jack Skellington, Jenny tries to bargain for Robin Hood’s life, gets fooled because still useless, and Robin Hood ends up being the play thing of a guy who seems to be best known for impersonating a member of Spinal Tap named Nigel.  Robin Hood gets killed by a machine created by Fake!Nigel, Jenny and the voice of Jack Skellington get married, and the pro-wrestler and Jason Gideon take Robin Hood’s body to Billy Crystal and his wife (Not.a.Witch) in order to bring him back to life.  The 3 now-allies storm the castle by lighting the pro-wrestler on fire while he’s in a wheelbarrow (this totally works).  Jason Gideon kills Fake!Nigel in revenge for Fake!Nigel killing Jason Gideon Senior, Robin Hood saves Jenny, and the pro-wrestler finds some horses they can all ride away on.  The voice of Jack Skellington is, as of the end of the movie, tied to a chair, left to live knowing he was defeated by Robin Hood and his merry men.

Oh, and the whole thing is actually being read to the kid from The Wonder Years by his grandfather, Columbo.

Got it?  Okay, let’s go!

Let’s start with the summary that caught my attention.

Once upon a time, left tied to the chair in the honeymoon suite, rotten Prince Humperdinck is subjected to a truthful fairytale by Buttercup’s lady in waiting, the ebony haired and blue eyed Fauna who also is the Princess Bride’s evil cousin and who had expectations that she would be the Princess Bride.

See what I mean?  If Fauna isn’t a Sue, I’ll eat my Sue-dar.

THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING by GaGa4FrightNight

CHAPTER ONE

Yup, this is actually in the body of the story.  No way I would have known what I was reading without that there to remind me.

On the four white horses Buttercup and her darling Westley rode off alongside Inigo and Fezzik leaving the villain of the story tied to the chair in the honeymoon suite within the Castle Florin.

So we start off right at the end of the movie.  Awkwardly, if this sentence is any indication.

Prince Humperdinck had failed. His evil plan to murder his bride Buttercup on their wedding night to ignite a war with Guilder was a huge failure.

*A-WHOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

Wow, that didn’t take long.  *quickly prints off the summary of the movie from the beginning of the riff and tapes it to the outside of her office door.*  That should confuse them enough that they will go away.

His plan was thwarted by true love, the power of true love and he was beyond infuriated.

*A-WHOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

Well crap.  Let me see here… *fiddles with some buttons on her desk’s control panel*  Ah ha!  I haven’t used this in a while.  *presses a button; the sound of splashing and shrieking fills the hallway*  Trap door into the shrieking eel tank!

Yet, perhaps more so he was embarrassed for his coward had rose the moment he came face to face with the end of Westley’s sword.

The prince has a personal coward?  How does one get that job?  That coward should probably untie the prince if he wants to keep his job.

But was he more fearful of the strength the fabled true love had given Westley, whom he assumed he had taken care of with the use of the Machine.

Was he more fearful of that than…?  You can’t ” was X but more” without a comparative thing.

He sat tied down to the chair, constantly tried to pull free but Buttercup had unfortunately did as Westley urged, make the binds tight as she desired. His desperation drove him to shout out to whomever. Then came the sounds of footsteps. He sighed with relief, his demand for freedom was heard. But by whom?

The footsteps, delicate in sound, entered the honeymoon suite.

I’m sorry, but how in the world do footsteps sound “delicate?”  Don’t make me confiscate your thesaurus.

Humperdinck turned his head and again sighed with relief then praised,

*A-WHOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

Goddamnit!   *pulls a giant lever sticking out of the wall*   That should douse them with the scent of female moose in heat.  *pulls a second giant lever sticking out of the wall*  And that should release the male moose.

“Thank the lord, it’s you.” he then ordered his hopeful rescuer, “Untie me!”

It’s Hopeful Rescuer!  That’s my favorite character!

Peering back at the helplessly bound Prince of Florin were two large deep blue eyes lined with dark thick lashes, they reflected pure amusement.

*winces at the purple*  I should have expected this from the profile.

So a pair of sentient eyes floated into the room and reflected amusement.  The voice of Jack Skellington isn’t very amused right now, so who’s amusement are they reflecting?

Lina:  The coward’s.

GAH!  How did you get past all the booby traps?

Lina:  *waggles her fingers*  Magic.

He repeated, “Untie me!” then he announced, “They are getting away!”

Lina:  Well, isn’t this thing structured awkwardly.   What was wrong with having him just say “Untie me!  They are getting away!”

The author thinks you need to know if he’s repeating himself or making new statements.

Lina:  Well, fuck us.

Full and naturally light ruby lips formed a grin then passed them chimed, “Good!”

So now the room is occupied by the prince, his coward, a pair of sentient eyeball mirrors, and a pair of lips that keep passing around some chimes.

Lina:  Sue here needs to keep better tabs on her body parts.  She’s floating all over the place.

A gasp of surprise he gave then his face twisted with frustration and lowly he grumbled, “Fauna, untie me, now!”

Sounds less like a grumble and more like a growl.  This author is supposedly in their late 30’s.  How have they gotten this fair without realizing they sound ridiculously pretentious in their writing?

Dressed in a pale purple satin,

A pale purple satin.  Singular.  Just one.

Lina:  Explains where all the purple came from.  She brought it with her.

the ebony haired beauty named Fauna casually replied, “No.” She snootily lifted her chin, found it amusing that the Royal Prince had been subdued by his rivals.

She’d better high-tail it out of there after refusing him, then.  Soon as someone loyal to him comes in and unties him, you’ll be the next to die.  Humperdinck is not known for being merciful.

“What?!” Humperdinck questioned, surprised by Fauna’s defiance.

A prince is surprised one of his subjects won’t do what he says?!  You’re joking!

Lina:  Bit strong on the sarcasm, aren’t you?

Shush.  I haven’t had any coffee, tea, or soda for 6 days.  I might be a little-

Lina: Tetchy?

Yeah.

Lina:  Well, that’s what you get for following the advice of a kooky nutritionist.

I’m drinking over 8 cups of water a day, as well as eating very healthy, complete meals.   I just don’t get caffeine for four weeks.  It isn’t kooky; the science is sound.

Lina:  Yeah-huh.

Fauna responded, “You heard me.”

You don’t have to keep doing that, you know.  They’re the only two people in the room.  They’re having a conversation.  Humperdinck isn’t going to say “You heard me”; it would destroy the flow of conversation.  Having the descriptors before the dialogue is also a great way to disrupt the flow.  It can be done, it isn’t a terrible way to do it, but you can’t over-do it or it gets grating.

She then stepped to the desk where Buttercup previously sat before Westley made himself known. Her curious blue eyes studied the dagger which Buttercup had planned to use to pierce her own heart.

And how does Fauna-Sue know that’s why there was a dagger sitting on that desk?  Was she hiding in the armoire the entire time?

Her eyes shifted and spotted a folded piece of parchment. Curiously she hummed, one hand gathered the dagger as the other lifted the parchment.

Humperdinck loudly growled, his face angrily twisted as his dark brown eyes glared at Fauna. He warned, “Fauna, you best untie me!” he then ordered, “Now!”

That is going to be incredibly distracting.  Stop telling us the order in which characters are talking!  We aren’t idiots!

Fauna turned her head and looked to the Prince as he again uselessly tried to tug against the binds. She oddly stated, “But, my Prince, I thought you enjoyed being tied down.” she deviously giggled then asked, “Am I wrong?”

Lina: Kinky.

Humperdinck loudly stated, “I have no time for this!” he then nearly whined, “They have likely made it to the edge of Florin by now!”

With a quip she asked, “So?”

I hate to rain on your parade, but that’s not a quip.  A quip is a humorous statement.

Lina:  I have fears for us that this is going to be the level of “humor” in this “humor” fic.  I’m going to get us some coffee- oh wait.  You can’t have any for, what, another 22 days?

Fuck you.

Lina:  Toodles!  *exits through the office door*

Ignoring the whiny Prince, she strolled from the desk as she unfolded the parchment. She casually sat atop the large bench before the foot of the honeymoon bed. Her eyes looked to Buttercup’s written words, final words. “Oh, my.” she sang while twirling a rich ebony curl of hair with the tip of the dagger

To which the chunk of hair was sliced off.

then she read aloud, “To whom this may concern.”

Her eyes glanced at the fuming Prince then smartly asked him, “Are you possibly one for whom this concerns, my Lord?”

His eyes narrowed more at her, the furrow lines between his brows deepened.

If he narrows his eyes any more at her, he have closed them.

She loudly giggled then shook her head and stated, “Of course you are not.”

His jaw visibly flexed then he growled through clenched teeth, “Fauna.”

She again ignored him then continued to read the letter aloud, “If you are reading this, my darling Westley had not put a stop to my marriage to Prince Humperdinck.” she mockingly swooned then rolled her eyes, “And what could keep Westley away would only be death. My sweet sweet Westley is dead. I cannot bare an existence without him. I cannot continue living without my Westley.”

Given how Buttercup writes in the book, that’s not half-bad at keeping her in character.

She smirked then cleared her throat of a giggle and continued,

Lina:  Does this tart do anything other than giggle?

JESUS!

Lina:  Wrong undead person.  I’m Lina.

I.  Know.

Lina:  *sits down with a coffee in one hand and a tall glass of water in the other.  She hands the water to Lyle*  You’re behind on your intake.  Drink up.

…Yum…

“And I refuse to spend my life in the presence of a cowardly and heartless snake who claims to be a Prince.” she again cleared her throat of another laugh, “Prince Humperdinck is not worthy of the crown of Florin. He is a liar. He is a despicable soul who is not worth being called a man, let alone a Prince.”

Newsflash:  Royalty were often dicks.  It came with having near-unlimited power over the masses.

“Enough!” Humperdinck shouted in protest. His ego had already been slashed by his own actions, caved to Westley like a coward then tied down onto his coward’s throne.

Lina:  That coward has a pretty good gig if he gets his own throne.  Where do I sign up?

You’d make a terrible coward.

Lina: Would not!  I could provide excellent references.

When have you ever run away from something?

Lina:  When I was 19 and in the Rivertown underground.  Vlad and I were being chased by slayers.  We were vastly outnumbered and had to run down the tube until Vlad had enough time to shift us to safety.

Yes, but this was after you attempted to engage them in battle.  You didn’t run because you were a coward; you ran because Vlad was injured and you knew it would be impossible to win.

Fauna lowered the letter then questioned the Prince, “Truth hurts, does it not?”

He deterred his eyes from Fauna’s lovely face.

*reaches through the computer and snags the author’s thesaurus*  You can have it back when you knock off the purple.

She crumpled the letter then asked, “Does it bother you more that she simply ran off or she ran off with her dear Westley?”

He pursed his lips, refused to answer.

She then stated, “True love always wins, Prince.”

Lina:  False.  True love is an illusion cooked up by the media.

Says the woman who has been happily married for some forty-odd years.

Lina:  I never said Vlad was my one true love.

Then who is?

Lina:  No one.  Weren’t you paying attention?  I don’t believe in true love.  You really need some coffee.  Here.  *shoves her mocha at Lyle*

No.  No, I can do this without coffee.  *takes a gulp of water*

His eyes darted to her serious expression then he snapped, “Shut up!”

Considering he was about fifteen minutes away from killing Buttercup himself in order to frame Guilder and incite that war he got a hard-on for, I don’t think this author realizes how much Humperdinck doesn’t care about Buttercup.  Any princess would do, so long as he could have her killed and get his war.

Her chin proudly lifted then, ignoring his typical spoiled demand, she stated, “You were doomed the moment you idiotically chose Buttercup to be your Princess Bride.” her face drained of expression as a defensive hate enveloped her eyes, “And make me her damn lady in waiting.”

Lina:  So, who’s this tart, again?

Buttercup’s lady in waiting.  It says so right there.

Lina:  Yeah, I see that.  But she’s implying that he was doomed when he appointed her to that position.  What part did she play in that badly written fanfiction you summarized up there that lead to his guy’s downfall?

No idea.  Maybe she stood in the corner and whispered “dooooooom” between giggles.

She darted up onto her feet and tossed the crumbled letter over her shoulder. Her eyes glared down at the helpless Prince then she bitterly stated, “That so called wedding was not supposed to happen.”

Yes it was.  Buttercup was chosen to marry him.  That usually means some sort of wedding.

With a loud huff she turned then slowly strolled towards the window the four had made their escape. Her bitter tone continued, “Buttercup was not supposed to get that far in all this.” she peered out the window, “She was never supposed to survive the Spaniard, Giant, and Sicilian.”

No shit, Sherlock.

Lina:  Wooo boy.  The villain is monologing in the first chapter.

Let’s not tell Crunchy.

With an angry spin she turned from the window and aimed hateful eyes on the Prince who remained stubbornly quiet. She loudly grumbled and pointed at herself, “I was supposed to be before that alter beside you, not sickeningly sweet Buttercup!” she then quietly stated, “Me, not my perfect cousin.”

Lina:  Least she isn’t the long lost twin or something like that.  Cousin I could believe.

Her full mouth pouted as her eyes lowered with disappointment. Pitifully and with great jealousy she more so questioned herself, “Why always Buttercup?” sluggishly with her typical proper posture slumped, she stepped forward, “Why a mere peasant girl with golden hair and whatever other so called perfections?”

If you’re cousins, wouldn’t you also have been a peasant girl?

Lina:  Maybe her branch of the family was promoted to merchant.

Humperdinck huffed through his nostrils, he was tiring of being tied down while his source of war with Guilder was likely far gone. Finally he spoke, “Because the peasants would bond with one of their own and upon her death they would have begged to go to war against Guilder.” he then added with a grumble, “That is why Buttercup.”

That’s a sorry excuse.  Especially since we know the reason “Why Buttercup” was because she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Fauna’s pout quickly faded beneath an angered expression then she shouted at the Prince, “And look what happened, dear Prince!” she stepped before him, “Your desire for war jumped out that window!” she pointed at the window,

No, Jenny, Robin Hood, and Jason Gideon jumped out that window.  Did no one read the summary?

Lina: Probably not.

“And has rode away into the sunset with her one true love, the farm boy Westley! And here you are!” her arms tossed in the air in gesture to his situation, “Tied to a chair and left to face the shame of your failures!”

It was nighttime already when she was rescued.  There was no sunset.

Lina:  I think it was a figure of speech.

Don’t side with the oddly angry Sue who doesn’t seem to realize that she could still be Queen if she’d just untie the prince and offer herself up as marriage material.

Lina:  The prince that wanted to kill his wife?  I don’t think that would recommend anyone to being his wife.

Fauna-Sue would be fine, though.  She’s obviously a bitch; why would anyone go to war over her death?

His eyes lifted and glared up at the angry lady in waiting. Her every shouted word was the truth. Then he watched her anger fade as again she began to pout.

Wow, she as such a wide range of emotions.  Anger.  Pouting.  Uhm… was there anything else?

Lina:  Giggling.

Giggling isn’t an emotion.

Lina:  This author seems to think it is.

Her tone pathetic, she asked, “Why is war more important than me?” her pout again faded and she then angrily questioned, “What use is war anyways?

What would you have proven if you succeeded and war with Guilder went on as planned?”

He would have probably conquered Guilder, doubled his land and income, and secured his borders against other, large nations.

She bent forward, brought her face before his then asked, “Why was I not enough, your Majesty?” she then aimed the tip of the dagger in his anger twisted face, “Why could you not have been satisfied with me? No war and stupid Buttercup, just me?”

Lina:  Because you’re certifiably off your rocker.

He reluctantly replied, “You would not understand.”

“Oh,” she grimaced then stated, “I understand.” she rose up, “You thought starting a senseless war with Guilder would prove yourself as the ruler needed for Florin.” she stuck her tongue out at the Prince then quipped, “I am not stupid.”

Lina:  Not a bloody quip, you twat!

And you said I’m tetchy.

She turned around then seated herself on the Prince’s lap while her eyes admired the silver dagger. She curiously questioned, “I wonder, if Westley had stayed dead, which you thought you had succeeded in doing, would my cousin have went through with killing herself in his honor?” her head curious tilted as the tip of the blade was aimed at her chest, “Would she have plunged this dagger into the depths of her broken heart?”

Probably?  She seemed pretty intent on doing it until Robin Hood stopped her.

Lina:  Can this woman hold still for two bloody seconds?  Stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down… just park your arse somewhere and stay put!

Her eyes thoughtful, she then stated, “In truth, she truly loves her Westley.”

Reveal of the century!

Humperdinck rolled his eyes. True love was a waste of time and effort in his selfish opinion. He then took a deep breath in preparation to convince Fauna’s assistance and calmly requested, “Fauna, dear, would you please undo these binds?”

Her head darted and looked at the Prince. She loathed his attempt at sweetness then quipped, “No.” She again looked to the blade and listened to him frustratingly huff.

Do I need to make a counter?

Lina:  No need.  *places one on the desk and smacks it three times*

Not a Bloody Quip, You Twat: 3

Should he? Was he capable of apologies even if not truly honest?

Everyone can make an insincere apology.  It’s the sincere ones that are hard to come by.

Humperdinck took another preparing breath then began an attempt at an apolofy,

*snort-giggle*

“Fauna, darling, I am…” He was swiftly interrupted.

“I refuse to hear it.” Fauna firmly stated, “What comes out of that deceptively lovely mouth of yours are nothing but selfish lies.” she lifted her chin with stubbornness, “Throughout these years nothing but lie after lie, you thoughtless oaf.”

Robin Hood was much more creative in his insults.

Again she pouted, felt deceived by the supposedly great Prince of Florin. Perhaps she was not innocent either but she honestly thought that was one quality they had in common.

Innocence was one quality they shared?

Lina:  *snort*

So many years felt wasted. Her years of being primed by her overbearing mother seemed done in vain. She had fought her way to the top. She clawed her way through the cluster of prim and proper ladies to shine before the Prince. And all seemingly was done without purpose or expected reward.

Lina:  Oh my sweet summer child, no one puts that much effort into “clawing” their way up the ladder without expecting a reward.

She held her pout and reluctantly looked to her bound Prince then asked, “Might I tell you a fairytale, my selfish Prince?”

Fauna-Sue has as few facial expressions as Bella Swan.

Lina:  Well, this thing is supposed to be based off the movie, right?  Let’s go ahead and cast Bella as Fauna.

Sounds good.

He asked in response, “Once your fairytale is told, will you then set me free?”

Her slowly nodded though she was quite satisfied where she had him, bound and no longer in control.

I hope he gets to be untied for potty breaks, otherwise this is going to be very awkward for everyone as soon as his bladder gets too full.

He huffed, “Fine.”

“Good,” she chimed then stated, “This fairytale might seem familiar, darling self centered Majesty.”

She cleared her throat and began her tale, “Once upon a time in the land of Florin there was a young woman who had been preparing all her life for the grand moment she would be introduced to the Royal Court…”

So basically she’s going to tell him her sob story for [reasons]?

Lina: Oh, well that’s just fantastic, init?

Don’t worry. We’re stopping here this week.  We’ll pick up on “Oh, woe is meeeeee!” next time we visit this festering pile of albino bat droppings.  Until then, be well, my lovelies!

Lina:  Oh, I forgot!  I wanted to give you this coupon for three free extra large coffees with unlimited shots and flavoring.  It expires next week, though, so you’d best use it.  Oh, wait… you can’t!

Fuck. You.

 

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