1782: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 1 Part 1

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by:
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons!

*In the rollie-chair next to Sakai’s, a young man dressed in olive-drab Marine-issue body armor shifts position awkwardly. He is lean but well-built, with pale skin and brown hair cropped military-short.*

Uhhh… hi?”

Let me introduce Junior Lieutenant Troy William Fisher of Love of a Spartan fame- today’s tactical adviser, DRD-repellant, and all-around badass.

So… stuff goes on on this screen and we have to pick it apart for the audience? That’s how it works?”

Basically. Let’s start with something… wow. Ok, so this guy. This guy has sixteen different Halo ‘fics, each and every one of them dealing with his Noble-Six Stu. Twelve of them are bizarre crossovers where Noble is transplanted to some random franchise that I am fairly certain does not want him, including Naruto, Bioshock Infinite, and Percy Jackson & The Olympians… or, in this case, Mass Effect.

Summary: The Spartan-III Commando, Noble Six.

Yeah, well, what about him?”

After surviving Reach runs through a forerunner portal after receiving new Augmentations, Amour and Weapons

Which are capitalized for some arcane Reason.

and arrives on the colony of Eden Prime in 2183 CE. When the Geth are invading the Planet.

Ok, this seemingly random splitting of sentences could be an attempt to be snarky. But it’s probably just another author who thinks any punctuation. Anywhere is a general-purpose sentence glue.

Crap. Now he’s got. Me doing. It.

The scum of the universe will soon learn why B312 is ranked as a Hyper Lethal Vector.

*Troy cocks his head.* Spartan is ranked as a what now?”

Don’t look at me, it’s not a technical term. In fact, I think it’s an anti-technical term. I wrote it down onto a draft paper on Kalman filters and three equations and a scatter plot faded off of the page.

*Chapter 1*: The Lone Wolf

The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy (Update)

I do not own Mass Effect or Halo in anyway shape or form. They belong to their respectable owners.

Sorry, but after Halo 5 and Mass Effect: Andromeda I can no longer consider either developer respectable.

The only thing I own is the Noble Six in the story.

This is an update of my story to change a few things and clean it up a bit as I’ve improved a bit since I first started writing.

Oh GOD, this is the better version?”

Depends on your definition of ‘better’, I guess.

Spartan B-312 File:

First Name: Logan


Last name: Unknown

Date of Birth: Classified.

Wait, if they just say his DOB is ‘Classified’ (I guess because he’s in the Spartan program and they want to hide the fact that they experimented on a kid) then why is his last name ‘Unknown’? Shouldn’t that just be ‘Classified’ too?”

Eye colour: Blue

Height: 6’11 in amour, 6’7 out of amour


That’d be… uhh… that’d be quite the stiffy there.”

Spelling boners aside, why is this included? Presumably he would be putting on and taking off a variety of different armor configurations in order to do his job, any of which will change his height somewhat.

And it’s in Imperial units.

Hair colour: Raven Black

Because I guess just regular black woulda’ been too goddamn simple for a Spartan.”

Designation: B-312 Spartan-III Commando/Beta Company

Rank: Lieutenant

Rating: Hyper Lethal Vector

That just gets dumber every time I hear it.”

Status of B-312: MIA

Amour Configuration

Don’t you typically have to look in the back of Cosmopolitan for those?

Helmet: MJOLNIR Mark V [B\’7d/UA

Shoulder Pads: None

Chest plate: MJOLNIR Mark V [B]



Visor colour: Gold

Knee Guards: FJ/PARA

Aaaaand we get a list of the cosmetic armor pieces Halo Reach lets you buy for an absurd number of what are basically experience points, in case for some reason I had the two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand credits needed to unlock the gold helmet color and wanted to expend them on looking like this tool.

And you know what’s missing from this service record? Sex and weight. And colony or district of origin, mine had that too.”

Planet Reach, August 30th 2552

Well at least he got the dates right…”

On the burning planet of Reach. standing alone on a raised platform was the Spartan-III commando B312, the newest member of Noble Team. Looking out at the burning horizon that was once a beautiful planet full of life and the home of the Spartans. It was like a second earth but now the planet was nothing more then a burning wasteland all thanks to the Convent fleet.

Gosh, if it wasn’t for the fact that this paragraph has twice as many periods as it should this might actually have been a decent opening.

Six looked up as two banshees flew over him, followed by a phantom as they began their Bombing run again to kill any remaining humans that were left on the planet.

Ok, so the ship designations aren’t capitalized but ‘bombing’ is for some reason.

Also, what the Covvies did on Reach was glassing. Not bombing. They can do both and God help you if you’re caught on the ground during either, but they’re not the same thing.”

He didn’t care about the hoards of covenants that were invading the planet,

Covenants? Plural?

Awww, fuck, we had enough problems with the one!”

he wouldn’t be getting of the planet anyway and that was fine by him as he has lived long enough anyway.

He wouldn’t be getting of the planet anyway.


We heard you the first time…


Ok, soldier, time to do your thing.

Wait, those guys look human! Have you ever tried just talking to them instead of blowing them all up as soon as they find your secret volcano base in- OW! Hey, that missed my neck by like a centi- *prolonged gunfire*

Never mind.”

He had made sure to get the A.I to the UNSC Pillar of Autumn. He decided to stay on the planet and man one of the MAC cannon’s to ensure that the Autumn got away.

B312 couldn’t help but think about his past and everything he had done in his career as a Spartan-III. Not everything was something to be proud of. He had wiped entire Insurrectionists strongholds out, which harmed innocent woman and children.

Because apparently the males don’t count for some reason.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, even Kilburn and Smythe got this right.”

He was a boy when his home planet was invaded by the Covenant. He lost everything he loved. his planet and his family. All thanks to the covenant as they believed that they were an insult to their god’s.

The covvies believed they were an insult to their own gods?”


They took everything he loved away from him and Left him with nothing. He was rescued by a huge green man with the number 117 on his chest.


Ladies and gentlebeings, the heroic Master Chief!

It’s also worth noting that the Chief having his spartan number actually printed on his armor was largely an addition of the Halo 4-5 era; he did not have any special markings during the Battle Of Reach.

You say this like I care.”

He remembered how they left him with nothing but sorrow, hatred and a thirst for revenge. He wanted them dead more then anything in the galaxy.

Beta-company used that to turn him into the Spartan he was today. The Lone Wolf, The Black Death and theGrim Reaper were among the names he was known by.


You know, we had a Marine in my unit, Private Farid, who insisted everybody call her ‘The Grim Reaper’. Painted her helmet with little flaming skulls and everything.

She lasted about a week before she decided to charge an Elite with nothing but a combat knife and got both her legs chopped off at the knee. Watching too manyOp-Force Twelve’ vids’ll do that to you.”

B312 was a special case though, giving him almost equal augmentations to the legendary Spartan-II’s as he had all the traits that the Spartan-II’s were chosen for, thus marking him as a CAT-II.

ONI were always watching his progress during his training and saw how he out shined all of the other Spartan-III recruits. It was that reason that after training he was pulled away from the others before he began working with a ONI agent.

Oh, because heaven forbid he just be a normal supersoldier with god-mode augmentations and an equipment budget big enough to arm an entire small colony…”

B312 thought about beta-company and how most of them were killed in OPERATION: TORPEDO.He bowed his head in silent prayer for his fallen brother’s and sisters.

Probably the last one on reach “The Spartan thought to himself. Still that failed to frustrate him. Spartan-III’s were meant to be cheaper version of the Spartan-II’s, meant to be expendable.

So why are you so much better than any of the Spartan-IIs?

He saw more covenant forces coming down and decided it was time to move, he would show the alien scum why he was ranked as Hyper-Lethal Vector.


Passing by the bodies of so many fallen Spartans, He was sad to see so many of them dead and hoped that some of his brother, sister and cousins (Spartans-II’s) got off the planet

Well, thanks for putting that insert there, otherwise I’d’ve thought he was talking about his brother, sister, and cousin Jackals!”

Also, what, is Noble-Six too good to consider the other Spartan-IIIs his family?

but he wouldn’t hold his breath.

It pained him to see so many of them left there to rot and be glassed by the covenant Fleets and would be forgotten by history. As in most people’s eyes the Spartans weren’t human any more just freaks.They liked to forget that without the Spartans, humanity would have been dead a long time ago but he knew this wasn’t the time to mope around. He had covenant to kill.

Anyway, he fucks around for about a page killing Covenant troops in what’s basically a narration of the playable “last stand” from the game. It’s not nearly as fun as actually playing Halo: Reach, and there’s one sentence in particular where he engages his armor lock and a Wraith drives into him and blows up that simply reeks of glitchy game physics being inappropriately ported over into a literary format, but after that it’s back to more wangsting.

Thinking about his family on Jericho for just a second was enough to distract him as a zealot got its energy dagger out and stabbed the Spartans arm making him drop one of the swords then the Elite tackled him to the floor and tried to slice his throat with six holding it back as much as he could but thanks to fatigue it he struggling.

And then one of the Elites striped him and then he raped him and then logan said go away you bastard.

Is this it! is this how I die alone with no grave and a knife in my throat? “the Spartan thought To himself but it was in that moment he thought about his whole life. Him losing his planet and family and friends.

His first for revenge, his hellish training to become a Spartan. His lone wolf days when hunting the insurrectionists, Meeting Lucy-B091, Tom-B292, Kurt-051, meeting Noble Team and his final fight against the covenant.

The word final just didn’t sit right with him. He didn’t want to die here he still had a war to win and wouldn’t die till it was over. He owed that to his brothers and sisters that had died in the war against the covenant

Wait, wasn’t he just completely resigned to dying like half a page ago? Why the sudden change of heart?”

With that in mind he gained new life the Spartan grabbed his combat knife and stabbed the Sangheili in the eye making it roar in pain. Then the Spartan kicked it of him and grabbing the energy dagger it dropped before he slashed it’s throat killing it instantly.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that midway through a sentence in the combat blob all the Elites changed pronoun from ‘he’ to ‘it’? Both are canonically used by human forces and as I am not a Tumblroid I have no preference either way which one you as an author choose to use, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AT LEAST KEEP IT CONSISTANT.

Six fell to the ground with a relived sigh that he had killed the Covenant in the area. He tried to get up but the pain from the plasma weapons had finally caught up to him making him grit his teeth in pain as he tried to climb to his feet but found it was no good and fell back to the ground.

As he started to pass out due to the pain and exhaustion. He heard a soft metallic humming sound approaching from somewhere but had no idea where.

Ah! ” An excited voice said. ” AReclaimer. I was worried you were all gone. No matter! I found you now!” The voice said before Six passed out from exhaustion.

Oh. Hey. Our favorite method of crossover bullshit- Forerunners ex machina!

Logan-B312 opened his eyes slowly before snapping them shut again from the light. He slowly got up from wherever he was only to discover that he was on some kind of operating table. He swung his legs over the side of the table and started doing infirmary exercises.

Because that’s totally what you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar and possibly hostile location.”

Swinging his legs back and forth to get the feeling back in them as he rotated his shoulders before he got of the table. But noticed he was much taller then he should be as he was as he stood around 7’0 rather then his 6’7.

Which is totally a thing he could just notice with precision.

Looking around the room it was unlike anything he had ever seen before. It wasn’t Covenant in design but there were weird markings on the wall he didn’t recognise.




Because the most obvious distinguishing quality of any Forerunner installation is that there are some ‘weird markings’ here and there.

“Where am I?” Six thought out loud as the last thing he remembered was passing out on the battlefield after fighting the Sangheli warrior.

He saw that he had a new black body suit on but his armour was gone. It was on its last legs anyway but he felt naked with out it on, as if he wasn’t in his MJOLNIR power assault amour then he was in his SPI amour.

What the hell is going on here? What happened to me? Why am I taller? ” he thought to himself before speaking out loud

” How the hell did I get here and where the hell am I?”

I’m beginning to wonder that myself.”

The answer came from a voice he didn’t think he would Ever hear again.

Hello Noble Six. I see your awake now? “The voice of Auntie Dot spoke throughout the room.

Logan just stood there. He couldn’t believe it, Noble Team’s A.I

” Dot is that you? ” Six asked while looking around the room to see if she would appear anywhere.

Yes, Logan” she said as she appeared in front off him on the pedestal that lit up with her new feminine avatar appeared.

She lad long raven hair that flowed down her back, bright purple eyes, a heart shaped face with a healthy tan with small pink lips. She was wearing a white long sleeve shirt, dark grey skinny jeans that clung to her wide hips and long black boots with her body having a slight blue glow to it, like most A.I did.

This was Auntie Dot’s original avatar during the game:


But I guess that just wasn’t fucking sexy enough, now was it?

Its good to see you again. Six ” She said surprising with a lot of emotion for a dumb A.I.

“Dot? ” The lieutenant asked in shock. He couldn’t believe it. He could see her. Actually see her. she had a body and everything.

Yeah, and you’re already drooling over it. Jesus fuck, Spartan!”

And all her dialog is in boldface for some reason. It’s really weirding me out imagining Nina from the Lovecraft riffs flirting with this loser.

Wait, who?”

Someone you are much better off not interacting with.

“So where are we? And how did we even get here? The last thing I remember is passing out on the Battlefield?”The lieutenant asked her.

Ahhh yes. Once you passed out we were both brought this forerunner facility by a Forerunner monitor” Dot informed the Spartan-III commando.

“Wait we’re in a forerunner facility? And what Monitor?” Logan-B312 asked her with crossed arms.

Yeah. If we found this facility before then Reach would still be around and the Covenant would be defeated with my upgrades.”

That does beg the question of just how such an extensive and well-preserved Forerunner facility (which apparently has a Monitor running around above ground) wasn’t discovered. Reach is a densely populated planet, and the two Forerunner facilities we see in canon are already known and under active excavation by the UNSC.

Dot said to the lieutenant with a sad sigh making Six gain a sad smile at thinking about Reach. Now Reach was gone and a chunk of the Spartans with it, then humanity was going to lose moral and potentially the war.

“Dot what happened to you? Last I checked dumb A.I’s didn’t have emotions” The lieutenant asked her.

Insensitive prick.

I was upgraded, Logan. When we appeared here the Monitor, who call himself Militant Bias

Gosh. Wow.

What an original name for a Forerunner AI.

knew I was a simple Dumb A.I and upgraded me into a forerunner A.I. He even gave me the knowledge of the forerunners

Wait, like, all of it? As in, the knowledge that nearly broke Cortana, a state-of-the-art smart AI when she tried to record a tiny fraction of it? The knowledge that even 343 Guilty Spark wasn’t granted in its entirety?

and now I’m a contender class-artificial intelligence.”

Making her, roughly, the intellectual equal of THE GODDAMN GRAVEMIND.

You know, I’ve always wanted to see more love for AIs in these various Halo ‘fics, but… not like this.

The Avatar you see before you is what I chose. I could of taken the image of the A.I created by Doctor Halsey known as Cortana but I wanted to be a little different.So I picked the avatar based of the A.I known as Serina” Dot told him with a smile.

I didn’t want to rip off an existing AI’s avatar, so I… ripped off a different existing AI’s avatar?”

“What monitor are you talking about?” The Spartan-III asked the new Forerunner Smart A.I.

The floating sphere that found you and brought you her and also improved you ” she smiled.

” And how did it improve me? “Demanded the Spartan

Clearly not in relation to your writing.

as he didn’t like the idea of somebody messing with his body without his say so. He already had to go with the painful augmentations when he was younger.

Oh god, here comes the ‘my augmentations were paaaaaaaaainful’ wangstfest again. Yes, I get it. It was an ordeal. But you guys were trained pretty much from birth to deal with shit like this, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to bring myself to care.

Heheh, you tell ’em, Doc!”

Don’t call me that.


Yes, you see,You have a lot of history to catch up on. You should consider yourself lucky. Your the first human to find out the truth about what happened to the Forerunners

‘Cept for the part where he was never told what happened to the Forerunners.”

Or even what the Forerunners are. It took the Master Chief pretty much the whole first game in order to get a proper handle on it, and all Noble Six got was a few lines from Dr. Halsey at Babd Catha.

Dot said as she knew he wouldn’t like somebody messing with his Body but she knew she had to fix all the damages the augmentations did to him as the ones the Spartan-III’s went through were inferior to the forerunner augmentations.

Of course they were.

“Who is this Monitor you mentioned?”Six asked her and turned to look at a small metal ball with a blue light in the centre floating into the room while humming what he guessed was a small tune/hum.

Greeting construct Dot “The monitor greeted as it Entered the room ” I hope hope the Reclaimer is…. Oh your awake, fantastic!”

Crap. I think the ‘fic is skipping skipping again.

Christ, that’s that’s annoying.

Good to see my inheritors still posses the fighting spirit of the forerunners.

Yeah, in that they both lost.

I am the monitor of this station, Militant Bias 01. ” The Monitor who was now identified as Militant Bias 01 said

Ok, wise up. Who promoted Logan to Captain Obvious?

as it approached the Spartan.

“Reclaimer? Why are you calling me that? I’m human?” Six asked him with a confused look on his face.

Its what my creator called your race. As your species are meant to be the protectors of the Galaxy” The Monitor informed him but the Spartan-III just looked confused as to what he was saying.

I’m trying to figure out if this story is supposed to accept or reject the post-trilogy games’ asinine “twist” that the Forerunners weren’t really humanity’s direct ancestors, and I’m slowly beginning to realize I don’t care.

Tell me Reclaimer. what do you know about my Creators? The Forerunners?“Militant asked him.

“I know that your creators was here a long time before humanity left Earth and that they were the most technological race to ever exist. Then they disappeared without a trace” Noble Six told the monitor like it was nothing new to him, but humanity nor the covenant knew what happened to them.

Then how does Spartan know what happened to them?”

Ah I see. Just as construct Dot said. However that’s not entirely true.” Militant mused.” You see, humanity was around in the time of the forerunner and they had an empire of their own that rivalled my creators.” Bias told Six who looked at him in disbelief as humanity would of known if they had left Earth before.

The monitor then began telling him the history of the Forerunners and how they were the peacekeepers of the galaxy and started taking away weapons from the other race’s as it would lead to bloodshed and that was something they wanted to avoid. As they thought all life was worth saving.

Militant then told him how they discovered the flood and how they fought them but in the end lost.


So, it is the Halo 4 version.


The monitor turned away and began floating away down the corridor and the facility came online

Well, now you’ve heard the story.” Dot said to Logan. Speaking for the first time in a while.” We need to fill you in on everything that happened to you while you were out of it.

“What do you mean by that Dot?” Six asked her as he looked at the pedestal where her Avatar was visible from.

Well…while you were out and still recovering. The Monitor and I did a scan of your body to see how you were recovering and you were doing okay, but we replaced your augmentations with Forerunner Augmentations.”

Which are superior to the ones you got when you were younger and we’ve upgraded your weapons and amour. But as you can see. The augmentations have increased your body size slightly” Dot informed him.

I’m still not quite sure how that happened over such a short period. The Spartans are larger than regular humans because their physiology was altered while they were still growing, and the changes took a while to fully develop. This guy just magically got nearly thirteen centimeters tacked onto his skeleton, and there’s no mention of his muscular system or skin being given time to adapt.

“What?!” Six asked/demanded from her as he didn’t like that he had been experimented on without his permission.

I had no choice, Six. It showed that the new Forerunner augmentations would speed up the healing process in a matter of days instead of a few months that it should of taken. We’re the last of Noble Team on Reach at the moment and we need to stick together….I already lost one Noble Six and I won’t lose another.” Dot told him with Six nodding after a few moments.

“Sorry, Dot. I’m just trying to wrap my head around all this.” Six apologised to her.

You don’t have to apologise to me. I should of asked you. But you needed the rest after fighting on Reach for so long.”

How bad were my injures?” Six asked Dot as he knew he was in bad shape back on Reach thanks to all the plasma damage he had received.

Well the plasma damage was around an inch from hitting your heart.

… How does that work, exactly? Did this guy really take so much plasma fire that it’d burned through his armor and his sternum? I’d figure even a Spartan would be dead from burns long before that.”

You had internal bleeding, a few broken ribs, a cracked skull and some fractured bones.” Dot said in a serious tone almost as if she was scolding him. ” If Militant hadn’t rescued you then you would have been dead within another hour on Reach.”

“Thanks, Dot.”

That’s what I’m here for. But it wasn’t just me who saved you.” Dot said giving a pointed look to the Monitor.

Your to kind construct Dot.

Please oh please don’t be shipping the AIs.

I was simply doing my mission to help the reclaimer as best as I could. Nothing more and nothing less.” The monitor waved off the praise he was being given by Dot as like he said he was simply completing his mission that he had been set so long ago.

Oh great, this is another one of those authors.


There’s showing and not telling, which is what you’re supposed to do.

Then there’s telling and not showing, which is what lazy authors do.


And then there’s these guys, who show you something happening and then tell you about it anyway even though you just saw it!

“So what else did the augmentations do to me?” Six asked the two as he needed to know what had happened to his body since he was on Reach.

Troy, would you mind fetching me my toolkit?


Show and Tell Counter: 2

We’ll tell you on the way to the Armoury.” Dot told him as she pointed to the door on the far side of the room. Six nodded and walked after the Monitor while Dot disappeared from the pedestal.

Your body can handle a lot more stress now and your bones have been coated in metal my creators made, making them unbreakable. Don’t get the wrong idea though. Your not indestructible by any means,”

but if a Mgalekgolo (Hunter)

Wait, how the fuck is he pronouncing those parentheses?”

More to the point, why is he pronouncing parentheses? The proper names of the Halo species are now pretty common- did the author seriously not think his readers would understand the story without explaining them?

were to attack you with one of its shield you’d just be sore and have some bruised ribs for a while, instead of it crushing your bones and giving you internal bleeding. Of course that’s without your amour on.

So, basically Spartan is now a walking, talking Scorpion tank.”

Indestructible bones might actually make him a bit more susceptible to bludgeoning damage. His frame won’t break on impact, but the concussive force will still carry into his organs, which will be mashed up against impervious ribs and skull plates.

The Monitor informed him a little pride in his voice as after being on sleep mode for thousands of years. It was good to be useful and to fulfil his mission for his creators.

And you can now lift up Twenty three tones on your own and ninetysix tones with your Amour on.

Wow. Get two of these guys together and they might even be able to lift a full pop song!

Militant informed him making the Spartan-III commando look amazed

Fun fact- ‘commando’ originally referred to a full unit and not individual soldiers, but nobody fucking cares about that any more.”

with this bit of information as he was now the most advanced Spartan in existence.

You can now run at speeds between 60-100 Kmph (37.28-70 mph)


Wait, speeds between sixty and a hundred k-p-h? As in, he can’t go slower?”

while you are in your amour.

Oh. So he’s slower when he’s not horny.”

You know what?

Amorous Counter: 7

Your reaction time has increased as well but we haven’t done a test so we can only guess that its improved to .002 mila seconds and even faster when construct Dot is connected to you.

Oh, and of course now Spartan gets a personal AI instead of having to share one with his unit.”

You know, why didn’t the author just make this story about the Master Chief? He’d still be given a ton of implausibly OP shit, but at least a little bit of it would actually be canonical.

Now from what constructDot has informed me, when you were originally augmented you had to get used to your increased strength and Speed so you couldn’t give anybody a hand shake, as you would break their hand as it would take you a month to get used to the increased strength, but since we’re using my creators technology you don’t have to worry about that.

… Somehow.”

Because actually having to deal with the limitations imposed by your superpowers is for looosers.

Logan-B312 was impressed by everything he was hearing and that said a lot as he wasn’t impressed by a lot as he was a simple solder who purpose was to fight wars and to make sure humanity survived. From what he could now lift on his own, to how fast he could run, his coated bones, he was now the most advanced human in history.

Blah blah false humility blah.

After the Monitor finished explaining everything about his augmentation. They finally reached the armoury where Six saw machines mass productising weapons and Ammo both UNSC and some kind of weapons with an orange light inside and saw a stand where his amour was located.

Amorous Counter: 8

Looking around at the armoury he saw that the machines were building weapons as if they were preparing for war.

Oh, really! And here I figured they were building all these weapons to prepare for peace!”

No, you’re thinking of the post-Halo-4 UNSC.

He saw that it was a copy of his previous Mark V Mjolnir amour with the Mark V [B] helmet he liked along with a golden visor and a Tactpad on his wrist. He smiled as he saw his amour. Like most Spartan-III’s he had customized it slightly to make it his own.

We already know all this because you listed it at the beginning of the chapter!

Show and Tell Counter: 3

“Dot what can you tell me about the Amour?” Six asked Noble teams A.I. wherever she was.

I’ll let Militant explain it to you” Dot’s voice echoed from within the facility.

Well, when a Grunt and a dead Elite love each other very much…”

Amorous Counter: 11

Great, now I have “What is love?! Baby don’t hurt me…” playing in my head nonstop. Also, that’s just disgusting.

Look, I’ve seen the Covenant do some messed-up shit, OK?”

Well Reclaimer. When I brought you and Construct Dothere. Your suit was damaged beyond repair.” Bias told Six who nodded as his suit was on its last legs.

So me and Construct Dotwho

I’m still trying to figure out if there’s a pattern to these missing spaces- they seem to show up much more commonly at the end of the words ‘Construct Dot’, which makes me suspect a poorly-done find-and-replace.

had some blueprints for your Mjolnir power amour made you a set that resembled your old amour. However it has been created with a metal that my creators made which is 10x more durable then Titanium

Well your Suit was marked as a class 2 variant combat skin, if barely. As your old one was only a prototype. So we created you a class 20.

Ok, can we just rename this Forerunner monitor guy ‘Santa Claus’ already? Because that’s what he is. A legendary figure who gives spoiled children whiz-bang toys but never uses his supposed ‘powers’ to actually help the ordinary men and women who are fighting every day for humanity’s survival.”




Amorous Counter: 13

Militant informed Six who looked intrigued as if his old suit was barely a two then what would a class 20 be like.

Show and Tell Counter: 4

Also, this one can take more of a beating them your other one ever could.

“How much of a beating can this one take?” The lieutenant asked him.

Well depending on the situation. You should be able to stand the blasts of five phantoms shooting at you at once and still be okay” Dot told him.

Your energy shields have also been upgraded and take a lot more damage then they could before. Now since the Huragok Made them, they are five times more powerful then your old ones.”

That doesn’t mean that they can never go down as they can, but when they do they’ll recharge a lot faster, just make that you find some cover until they’ve fully charged.“” Dot told him.

Oh, why not just make his suit 100% immune to the firing of Halo Arrays too, while you’re at it!

Now on to the Amour Ability, Construct Dot told me that you used abiltys that Humanity had created for the MJOLNOR power amour such as Amour lock.”

Heh heh. ‘Amour Abilities’, including an ‘Amour Lock’.”

I blame 50 Shades.

Amorous Counter: 15

You have all the amour ability’s in your new amour from the Bubble shield to your active camo and the Amour lock and they can stay active for longer periods of time as well.

“Please consult your doctor if your amour abilities remain active for more than four hours.”

Amorous Counter: 17

There are also a few ability’s my creators created such the hard light shield and the Promethium vision and you have a built in thruster pack for when you need to evade an enemy or to reach those harder to reach place.

Oh, a thruster pack to reach those hard-to-reach places, hmm?

… too damn easy.”

The monitor told the Spartan-III commando who looked at the back of the shoulders and saw two thrusters.

This is becoming increasingly similar to the sort of feature requests visiting doctors tend to give my surgical robotics team. “Oh, we want it to have micrometer accuracy, and be completely autoclave-safe, and automatically highlight tumors on a heads-up display, and have a hundred and fifty different tools that can rotate in and out of use like I saw in this one James Bond movie… It shouldn’t be too hard, it’s just engineering, right?” *shudders*

“Can I try it on?” Logan asked Militant who nodded at him making him grin inwardly but on the outside he had an emotionless face like the Spartan he was.

Actually, he’s becoming less and less of a Spartan as we speak.

Certainly Reclaimer. It is yours after all. Let me try something.” Bias said to Six who nodded and the next thing he knew. He was surrounded in a blue light.

Please be a plasma strike please be a plasma strike please be a plasma strike…”

With his amour had appeared on him with Six letting a small smile appear on his face as he hated being out of his amour after so long. He was either in his SPI or MJOLNIR amour on as it was almost like his home.

“How did you do that?” Six asked the monitor. The amour was certainly lighter then his previous set. He saw the HUD (heads up display)


Amorous Counter: 20

power up for the first time with Six standing 7’4.

Ok, this fixation on his height is getting a little bit creepy.

Your neural interface.” The Monitor told him. “I was able to lock onto it and Teloport your amour onto you all. Now you can still remove your amour manually or by using a machine to remove it,


so you don’t need to worry about having to use the teloporter.” The monitor told Six who nodded as he clenched his fist getting a good feel for the amour.

Now we have added new technology to your amour.” The Monitor told the Lieutenant who frowned behind his helmet slightly but after all he had done for them already he let him continue telling him about what he was going to say.” Your amour now has a built in slip-space storage system.”

It can now hold all your weapons and Ammunition for quicker use. You can still place weapons on the magnetic plate on your back for easier access, but you’ll have a much larger arsenal of weapons that you can take into the field.

Now to access your weapons you just need to bring up your Tactical pad on your wrist to select what you want or if constructDot is with you then she can do it for you” Militant told him.

*sigh……* Hammerspace. They gave him fucking hammerspace. Because heaven forbid this story that blatantly exploits Halo‘s game mechanics keep alive Halo‘s inventory limit forcing players to think about choosing the right weapon for the environment they are in.

Amorous Counter: 25

Six didn’t understand the science of it but he got the general gist of it. He was a soldier not a scientist. So he knew how to kill and that was fine by him.

I, however, am a scientist, and I am pissed the fuck off.

Now because on the Forerunner-Flood war, My creators didn’t have time to use the slip-space storage themselves but they were tested so they work 100%.




Clearly the author has never tried to develop anything more substantial than a science project!

Your the first person to ever use them. You should be honoured” The Monitor said to the wolf of Noble Team.

Noble Six raised his wrist up and allowed a slight smile to appear on his face at this new bit of technology he possessed. Six hadn’t celebrated his birthday or Christmas since he was was a kid but if he still did then all the new stuff he got would be like his birthday and Christmas come at once.

This feels like what Christmas would be like if every year all of your presents were just more copies of Call Of Duty Advanced Warfare.

Eeee-yup. Definitely Santa Claus.”

Now for your weapons.” Bias said to them as he floated of to one of the Tables where the machines were creating weapons and followed after him.

Thanks to Dot showing me what kind of weapons Humanity uses now compared to the prehistoric Humans. We have managed to create hundreds of weapons and Ammunition for you plus some of the Weapons that my Race used.” Bias informed him.

Also the Huragok have upgraded all your weapons so they hold more in the magazine like your assault rifle which now holds 64 bullets instead of the regular 32.” The Monitor told Six with delight.


So Spartan doesn’t have to worry about silly little things like accuracy or trigger discipline, obviously!”

You make a disturbingly compelling point.

The lieutenant looked at the table and picked up what looked like a BR55 Battle Rifle and thoroughly examined it to get a feel for the weapon. He saw that the weapon would be perfect for close and medium engagements.

He uses a scoped rifle for close-range engagements.

You know, I’d’ve thought that Spartans would have at least made it through Basic properly, but I guess I was wrong!”

Can we just skip this whole sequence and just say this guy ported the game into Source and activated sv_cheats 1, god, sv_infinite_ammo 1, and impulse 101 while the OC was unconscious?

The Monitor told him that the regular Battle rifle housed 36 rounds but his weapons had been upgraded so they held 72.

Do we care? No! We do not care!

This model is called the BR85 Heavy Barrel Service Rifle. A weapon that hasn’t been developed yet but is planning to soon for the UNSC.”

And apparently Santa Claus can see into the fucking future too, and produce weapons that haven’t even been designed.

Normally it holds 216 bullets in the magazine but its been upgraded by the Huragok to hold 332 bullets and have all been replaced with Hard-light bullets to do more damage

Yeah, good luck finding replacement mags for that out in the field. Or anywhere, for that matter.”

Also, he seems to have confused the clip size and the player’s total ammo reserve. That’s just sad.

Militant said to Six who picked up the weapons to examine them with Six falling in love with the weapon as it could be used for short range and long range targets.

Well, good to know that Spartan has an assault rifle for use against targets that are too far away to hit with his DMR…”

B312 Looked at all the weapons on the table ranging from Assault rifles, Pistols, Sniper rifles, Shotguns, Rocket launchers, Smg’s, Spartan lasers. SAW’s. The weapons suddenly gained a blue tint like their amour did before they all disappeared from the table then the light went into the Spartans Tactical pads.

“That went into the Tactical Pad, right?” The lieutenant asked the monitor.

Show and Tell Counter: 5

Amorous Counter: 26

Indeed they did Reclaimer. You can access them if you like.” The Monitor told him who brought his tactical pad up and started playing with it.(It works like the Pip boy from the Fallout series).


Six began Playing around with the Tac pad to get a rough idea how the storage worked and searched for the gun he wanted…the Battle rifle.

Once he found it in the inventory screen he pressed the touched screen and saw a light blue light appear in his hands, gripping the light he saw as the light formed into his Battle rifle making the stoic Spartan smile.

“What about ammo for the guns?” Six asked Militant who was floating in front of him.

They’re already in the storage system. Whenever you need a new magazine just do the same thing you did to get your gun or construct Dot will do it for you.”

That sounds waaaay to cumbersome to be useful in the middle of a firefight.”

Congratulations, SSJ, on handing out all of this whiz-bang technology and still somehow making your character less effective.

The forerunner Monitor told him with Six nodding and could see that if the Forerunners were smart enough to make the storage system and the Halo arrays.

Then he could see why the covenant revered them so much but they were wrong about this whole war and had killed billions when humanity were the reclaimers of their technology.

Oh, goodie. Another author who thinks that if the narrative ever mentions anything even remotely positive about the Covenant or even just goes too long without reminding the reader how totally eeeeeeeevil they are, everyone would immediately switch sides.

“How much Ammo do I have?” Six asked the Monitor who was floating in front off him.

Well you currently have enough ammunition to last five years.” Dot told him as if it was no big deal.

“How much can this Storage system hold?”

Theoretically… all the bullshit in the universe.

Six asked her still amazed at how much ammo he had on him.

Don’t worry about itLogan. when its reaching its Max capacity I’ll let you know.” Dot told Six with him nodding at her answer.

That seems highly unsafe.

“So what now?” Six asked the monitor as a blue portal appeared in the middle of the armoury making Six tilt his head slightly and wondered how Militant made it appear.

It is time for you to leave, Reclaimer. You have reclaimed what was lost to your race.

The long-forgotten power…. of STU!

I wish you luck for the future.

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and Six. Will we ever see you again?

Dear God I hope not!

If he does, he’ll probably get outfitted with a whole fleet carrier or something.”

Dot asked with some hope as if not for Militant then she would have been a simple dumb A.I that had no concept of emotions or what feelings even were.

“The reclaimers have often said to wish for the best. If we are luckily then we will.” Militant stated before he floated away from Six and Dot and headed back into the facility.

” What about you? I’m not going to leave you here for the covenant.”

That’s becoming an increasingly appealing possibility.”

It’s worth noting that he is, however, leaving an entire Forerunner armory for the Covenant. I.e., the faction with a religious imperative to use Forerunner technology to eliminate all sentient life in the galaxy and particularly humans.

The Spartan-III said as he wasn’t sure if Jun got out alive and if he didn’t it was only him and her of Noble team left.

Oh how stupid of me “Dot scolded herself as if she was face-palming

*Meanwhile, the Admiral is actually face-palming.*

See that terminal beside the portal?

” Yeah ” The Spartan said as he walked over to it and saw a chip sticking out of the terminal which looked very advanced compared to the other chip’s he had seen in the past.

Because it’s so easy to tell the relative sophistication of computer chips just by looking at them.

The… uhh… the one on the left is better?”

Joke’s on you, the one on the left is a 386, the one on the right is a Pentium 4!

“Oh. Ok, then.”

That’s my chip. yank me! ” she told him and he did as he was told. He didn’t know much about A.I. chips but could tell this was different from any others he had seen .

You’ve got a storage compartment now for A.I.’s in the back of your Helmet. You can store me there, big guy ” she told him and he was still getting used to her being witty and sassy.

Bow… chicka… *gags, coughing up blood* bowwww….

Nope, I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. The banter is just too forced.

Show and Tell Counter: 6

Well what are you waiting for, Six? Run through the portal!

“You expect me to run through an unknown portal?” Six asked with a deadpan expression.

Well, yes, that’s typically how crossovers work.

Sure he had made a career of doing crazy and suicidal things but to run through a portal that would take them to who knows where was crazy….even for him.

We have no choice. There are no ships left on Reach. This is our only way of the planet. You can stay here and die from starvation if you like?” Dot told her partner.


“Your blunt.” Six stated to her.


“What about it? Look, it’s been a long couple days and sometimes an AI just needs a way to unwind, man.”

Only for you, Logan. Got to get it through that thick skulls you Spartans are known to have.” She said with mirth getting him to shake his head.

“Very well…lets go.” The lieutenant said more to himself then her before he ran through the blue portal leaving Reach forever.

Aaand this is about halfway through the chapter, so I figure it’s as good a stopping place as any.

Gosh, I wonder what overpowered gadgets our fair Stu will be handed next time around to disguise the fact that he has all the character of a wallboard tack?


125 Comments on “1782: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 1 Part 1”

  1. SC says:

    Twelve of them are bizarre crossovers

    Five in the fucking morning, this is what my brain defaulted that to:

  2. SC says:

    The Spartan-III Commando, Noble Six.

    Mine was a Lady Six, and she had orange armor because I was trying to emulate Samus Aran.

    Made it a bit awkward when she died at the end, though.

  3. SC says:

    The scum of the universe will soon learn why B312 is ranked as a Hyper Lethal Vector.

    “*Troy cocks his head.* Spartan is ranked as a what now?”

    Don’t look at me, it’s not a technical term. In fact, I think it’s an anti-technical term. I wrote it down onto a draft paper on Kalman filters and three equations and a scatter plot faded off of the page.

    Actually, Hyper Lethal Vector is a thing in Halo canon. It’s a designation given to Spartan units who are… decidedly better than most of their brethren. Master Chief and Noble Six (B312) are, in fact, canonically the only two Spartans to achieve it, so far. From what I can gather, it’s essentially being such a crazy killnado and possessing such dogged perseverance that it borders on a mental disorder. Perhaps several.

  4. SC says:

    Sorry, but after Halo 5 and Mass Effect: Andromeda I can no longer consider either developer respectable.

    You’re being more forgiving than most. After Halo 4 and Mass Effect 3 was when most of the non-devoted fanbase (and a few of the hardcore fans, now that I think of it) flipped those developers the bird.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I figured I would give them one more chance to redeem themselves, and boy did they ever not take it.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, general rule of thumb with developers who start strong and finish weak is that they tend to just keep getting weaker.

        Because quality work? The fuck is that? Check out these graphics, yo!

      • AssReaperBorgir says:

        What was Andromeda actually like, in all honesty? Literally all I know rn is that it had some hilarious animation issues and I’m not totally sure if that alone makes a lot of people instantly view it in a worse light than they might’ve otherwise

        Like I’ve heard lots of stuff about the story being presented awkwardly/unclearly but I’m also wondering if people are giving it too much shit on that front considering the new environment and context they’re setting it in

      • LoudAssReaper says:

        developers who start strong and finish weak

      • SC says:

        Though I would hardly call him the absolute best where game critiques are concerned (his sordid review of a certain Monster Hunter game garnered him many an enraged comment), I’ve come to realize that usually, Yahtzee has his finger pretty well on the pulse, so I’ll… cautiously say that his review of Andromeda should help answer some questions:

  5. SC says:

    Helmet: MJOLNIR Mark V [B\’7d/UA

    Shoulder Pads: None

    Chest plate: MJOLNIR Mark V [B]



    Visor colour: Gold

    Knee Guards: FJ/PARA

    …Honestly, this armor setup isn’t even that cool-looking. I have Reach running on my Xbox right now to get a better visual of what the guy was going for, and it just looks lame. Usually, when authors brag about their characters, there’s a certain level of over-the-top that they try and go for to make sure you know that their character is super cool. If that’s what this author was shooting for, he missed his mark sorely.

    (By the way, author: The Utility item isn’t a soft case. It’s a hard case. It’s literally called Tactical/Hard Case. Nice try, though.)

    • Serketry says:

      Seeing as the author screwed up reading the wiki article on the BR85, and somehow thought a rifle would have a 216-round magazine, I think he may be looking these up piecemeal off the wiki without fact-checking anything. Or grammar checking anything. Or caring.

      • SC says:

        Dude, I WISH I could get my hands on a 216-round rifle. Any rifle, fuck it, a Spartan Laser too, why not.

    • DAssCheesenBorgir says:

      Honestly, I kinda like the more minimalist/closer to vanilla Six/Thom look myself (ffs I actually thought the original Noble Six was named Thomsen… fucking Love of A Spartan might be embedded deeper in my mind than I thought O.O)

      There was something that felt a little weird about no shoulderpads at all at first, but I’ve learned to appreciate a little more lately, I feel like the MJOLNIR representation in Reach stands on its own as a very nice and weighty ‘base’ of sorts, if you will- the unique look of the Mark V [B] goes really well with it too imo, putting it all together it looks kinda sleek and lightweight and overall quite fitting for what feels like is supposed to be a black ops kinda character

      God knows it’s better than the idiots who put on both security shoulders, grenadier chestpiece and one of the two hilariously overpriced skull helmets for maximum edge factor

      • SC says:

        Well, can’t argue there. I just put shoulder pads on my Six because some of them don’t look completely atrocious (there’s a certain pair that look fuck-ugly no matter what they’re set with, but I can’t remember the name right at the moment).

  6. BatJamags says:

    The Lone Wolf of the Normandy

    All I’ve seen of this fic is the title and I’m already going to propose the nickname Stuble Six.

  7. BatJamags says:

    Percy Jackson & The Olympians


    OK, that I’ve got to see. I remember liking those books at one point, but I can’t remember if they were actually good or I just had no taste. The movies were definitely shit, though.

    • GhostCat says:

      I’ve only read the first book, but I quite enjoyed it. Much, much better than the film version. It kind of reminded me a little of the Harry Potter series; written for a younger audience, but interesting enough to entertain older readers.

    • SC says:

      Though I will say that I rather like how the movies portray Percy’s sword. Not sure if it extending out of Hammerspace is canon or not, but also don’t care.

      • GhostCat says:

        No, that part is canon. Riptide (that’s the sword’s name, I’m not sure if the movie ever mentions it) actually plays a bigger role in the book. There’s quite a bit more of the “mythical hidden by the mundane”, like a Chihuahua that’s really a chimera which leads to Percy jumping out of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.

  8. BatJamags says:

    Summary: The Spartan-III Commando, Noble Six.

    Let’s adjust this slightly.

    Summary, in case you couldn’t tell this was a summary: The empty, vaguely human-shaped shell who manages to have less personality than the Rookie from ODST even though the Rookie literally doesn’t talk, Noble Six.

    Much more accurate.

    • BatJamags says:

      after receiving new Augmentations, Amour and Weapons

      Author, please make your summaries accurate.

      After receiving a likely obnoxious array of Stuperpowers™, brought to you by the Plot Contrivance Corporation! Visit your nearest PCC location to pick up your own incredibly convenient and overpowered abilities today!

  9. BatJamags says:

    The scum of the universe will soon learn why B312 is ranked as a Hyper Lethal Vector.

    I mean, he makes a decent tank, but “hyper lethal” is pushing it a little.

    • BatJamags says:

      Also relevant:

    • BatJamags says:

      Rating: Hyper Lethal Vector

      In all seriousness, “Hyper Lethal” is a thing (a dumb thing that was made up to say “Noble Six is totally as cool as Master Chief, you guys, ‘cuz they’re both HYPER LETHAL ’90S EXTREME!” but a thing nonetheless), but I have no idea where the hell Vector is coming from. So, until this is explained, I’m assuming that Stuble Six here is a Killik.

      • SC says:

        An oddly friendly Killik who kinda just hangs out on my Intelligence Agent’s swanky-ass retrofitted cruise ship.

        (No, but for real, however big a bunch of dicks Imperial Intelligence turn out to be when I get to that point in the Agent’s story, I can’t really hate them because they put guns and stealth systems on a fucking LUXURY CRUISER and called it my personal battleship, fucking sweet.)

      • BatJamags says:

        I think my favorite thing about the Agent ship is that the holoterminal room has hardwood floors. It’s just such an oddly specific but incredibly classy touch, especially since no other area in the game (well, kind of Raiders’ Cove on Rishi, I guess) has wooden floors.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, but Raider’s Cove has crappy ones, the Agent has pro work hardwood on his ship.

        Let no one ever say that the Empire has no sense of style.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Alright, let’s pick his unnecessarily detailed armor apart.

    Helmet: MJOLNIR Mark V [B\’7d/UA

    See, when I look at that helmet, all I see is Caboose. Unless that mess of characters means this is supposed to be the default helmet, which looks different from the standard MJOLNIR Mark V because reasons.

    Shoulder Pads: None

    Not an option, as far as I’m aware.

    Chest plate: MJOLNIR Mark V [B]

    OK, yeah, we’re going with Noble Six’s boring standard stuff.


    “Well, I want him to look like the default character, but ooh! Pretty flashing lights!”


    Oh, good. Glad we got that settled. Wouldn’t want his thigh plates to look like the standard ones. I think we all know what would be wrong with that, right?

    Visor colour: Gold

    What? It was the best thing I could come up with.

    Knee Guards: FJ/PARA

    Oh, and so glad we figured out what his knee pads look like. Otherwise I would’ve been wondering.

    Wondering what I’m going to eat for lunch today.

    • SC says:

      I think the UA-thing on the helmet is supposed to be in reference to one of the attachments you can get for helmets, though which one eludes me.

      Also, you CAN go without shoulder pads – but your character looks pretty incomplete without them.

  11. BatJamags says:

    the Convent fleet.


  12. BatJamags says:

    Six looked up as two banshees flew over him, followed by a phantom as they began their Bombing run again to kill any remaining humans that were left on the planet

    Yes, two banshees and a phantom are going to sweep an entire planet for survivors. Nice strategy, Arby. 10/10, would glass again.

    • SC says:

      I guess the reason one of the Prophets is named Regret is because he was the guy in charge of ordering the Reach purge and did it wrong.

  13. BatJamags says:

    as soon as they find your secret volcano base in

    Sakai, Crunchy, me, it seems like everybody has a secret volcano base these days. It’s getting a little passe, honestly. I should probably move.

    Ooh! I could have a hydrobase! That would be cool. I’mma do that. OK guys, pack it up! We’re going to our new hipster hydrobase!

  14. BatJamags says:

    which harmed innocent woman and children.

    But only one innocent woman. The rest were all children.

  15. BatJamags says:

    The Black Death


    So, he’s a particularly virulent strain of a bacterium known to cause several different diseases including Bubonic Plague, which caused a pandemic in Europe in the mid fourteenth century that wiped out about half of the continent’s population?

    Scary, yeah, but I don’t see how he’s gonna fit into that ugly armor of his.

  16. BatJamags says:

    His first for revenge

    Ah, so he’s one of the underevolved cretins lurking in a YouTube comment section. I suppose the last time he was this early, his girlfriend left him. Notification squad, where you at?

  17. BatJamags says:

    Why am I taller?

    I am now headcanoning that they just built the room out of proportion to mess with him.

  18. BatJamags says:

    “I was upgraded, Logan. When we appeared here the Monitor, who call himself Militant Bias

    Guilty Spark, Mendicant Bias, Penitent Tangent, Abject Testament. Noticing a pattern here? One that “militant” doesn’t fit?

    Well, alright, I suppose we’ve had Offensive, Ebullient, and Exuberant, but still.

  19. BatJamags says:

    your bones have been coated in metal my creators made, making them unbreakable

    Goddammit, he is Wolverine.

  20. BatJamags says:


    Tons or tonnes. The Atlantic has two sides and you kind of need to pick one.

  21. BatJamags says:

    Ok, can we just rename this Forerunner monitor guy ‘Santa Claus’ already?

  22. BatJamags says:

    She said with mirth

    Oh, I thought that was Garfield.

  23. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Spelling boners aside,”

  24. And now we watch as the guy keels over due to lack of new blood being made. Fun Fact: Wolverine gets his fancy metal skeleton because his healing factor altered the Adamantium in the process allowing him to still produce blood through it, this guy doesn’t have that.

    Even assuming that this metal magically does that, he still has to deal with metal poisoning.

  25. SC says:

    Oh, and of course now Spartan gets a personal AI instead of having to share one with his unit.”

    You know, why didn’t the author just make this story about the Master Chief? He’d still be given a ton of implausibly OP shit, but at least a little bit of it would actually be canonical.

    Wasn’t Cortana’s deal that she was made while Reach was in the process of going totally to shit, so there wasn’t time to program her to be able to interface with multiple systems simultaneously?

    I could be mistaken here, admittedly. I’ve played Reach, yes, but I’ve never really taken a closer look at the plot.

  26. SC says:

    But I guess that just wasn’t fucking sexy enough, now was it?

    You know, this, Cortana and EDI’s mobile mainframe are actually a major beef of mine in regards to AIs. I actually rather like EDI as a talking eyeball-thing, and Dot as a series of geometric shapes was cool, but from the moment I first saw Cortana, I felt absolutely nothing for her. Because she’s a fucking computer program. Whose creators, for some reason, saw fit to give ample curves.

    Seriously, this is what she looks like by Halo 4:

    …Why is that necessary?

    And with EDI, again, her mobile mainframe was made oddly feminine for no good reason, considering that she is A COMPUTER PROGRAM:

    And now this author is making Dot look pointlessly sexy.

    Look, I’m fine with AIs having forms, don’t get me wrong, but I prefer them to be nebulous forms, because again, COMPUTER. PROGRAM. In fact, one of my favorite AIs in recent memory is major antagonist M.I.K.E. from Etrian Odyssey Untold: The Millennium Girl, because he has a personality that does a good job of convincing you that he’s on your side right up until the shoe drops and it comes out that he’s actually fucking psychotically devoted to his mission objectives at all costs, and when he finally did take on a physical form, it was a gigantic spider tank. Not a beefy dudebro mobile mainframe. And it was still just as powerful a statement as to the height of his abilities, and just as tragic when he got shut down for the sake of saving the world. I didn’t need a human face to see the utter horrified confusion M.I.K.E. went through when he was cut down in combat and shut down to stop him from setting off the doomsday device. I didn’t need to see bulging muscles and a hard-cut jaw to know that he was gonna whoop my ass but good.

    …So why do I need to see shapely curves and a smug little smirk to put together how cool EDI, Dot and Cortana are supposed to be?

    Fic authors – and game devs, as well – kindly cut it the fuck out.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Cortana was a lot more reasonable looking up through the main trilogy- then, well… Halo 4.

    • BatJamags says:

      I mean, with Cortana, she’s based on Dr. Halsey’s brain, so it makes sense that she’d look like a younger Halsey, but why does she have to be naked?

      • SC says:

        I’m actually a bit more forgiving of that one – I feel like coding clothing on to her was seen as an irrelevant nitpick, given the timeframe in which she was created.

    • Delta XIII says:

      Well, to be fair, EDI just took over a stolen infiltration unit, so that one’s on whatever Cerberus goon designed it.

      • SC says:

        I bet it was Ken.

        • Delta XIII says:

          Nah, if you recruit him again, he’s just as surprised as everyone else. I think it might be The Illusive Man himself: before the disguise was burned away, the infiltration unit resembled an old comrade of his from the First Contact War.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        So, essentially, she’s TIM’s personal sex doll paid for with your tax money.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Oh, great, so instead of paying for a sex doll with your tax money, he’s paying for it with the holiday bonus you didn’t get.

      • Delta XIII says:

        Having recently replayed ME2, I found out that Cerberus also has several front companies, so TIM funded an infiltration unit/personal sex doll with the holiday bonus you didn’t get and the paycheck you spent on, I dunno, groceries or porn or futuristic Fidget Spinners or something.

  27. Delta XIII says:

    You know, why didn’t the author just make this story about the Master Chief? He’d still be given a ton of implausibly OP shit, but at least a little bit of it would actually be canonical.

    Actually, there is something like that, and it’s a lot better written than this drivel.


  28. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    What a great time to decide to revisit the library

  29. AssReaperDoomsdayDevice says:

    The scum of the universe

    Oh boi

  30. AssReaperDoomsdayDevice says:

    then why is his last name ‘Unknown’? Shouldn’t that just be ‘Classified’ too?”

    Is SQL standard still a thing in the 26th century? Maybe just call em both NULL and be done with it

    • SC says:

      Well, a key factor of his character in Reach is that his file is coated in black ink, so I guess it’s still a thing?

  31. AssReaperDoomsdayDevice says:

    The Lone Wolf, The Black Death and theGrim Reaper

  32. AssReaperDoomsdayDevice says:

    “Look, I’ve seen the Covenant do some messed-up shit, OK?”

    Like that one pepperoni incident…

    …is this a safe gateway back into pushing the AmyXFuckShit (thanks autocomplete o.o) angle?

  33. Swenia says:

    Beta-company used that to turn him into the Spartan he was today. The Lone Wolf, The Black Death and theGrim Reaper were among the names he was known by.

    Funny you should mention that. You know what they called me in the army?


    • SC says:

      Specs: I was called “Specs” because I was the only guy wearing glasses.

      You also weren’t military.

      Specs: Maybe not by your definition.

  34. TacoMagic says:

    This is becoming increasingly similar to the sort of feature requests visiting doctors tend to give my surgical robotics team. “Oh, we want it to have micrometer accuracy, and be completely autoclave-safe, and automatically highlight tumors on a heads-up display, and have a hundred and fifty different tools that can rotate in and out of use like I saw in this one James Bond movie… It shouldn’t be too hard, it’s just engineering, right?” *shudders*

    Welp, now I’m triggered.

    • SC says:

      Bifocals had the opposite reaction.

      *SC glances over at Bifocals, who is scribbling in a notebook, grinning gleefully and vibrating in her seat fast enough to cause motion blur*

      Anymore excited, and she’d split the San Andreas fault.

  35. TacoMagic says:

    Your amour now has a built in slip-space storage system.”

    In the biz we call that a bag of holding. Or Heward’s Handy Haversack if you like having straps on it.

  36. Swenia says:

    ” That’s my chip. yank me! ” she told him and he did as he was told.

    *Sets the porno music amplification array to 75% and plugs it into the intercom system*

  37. TacoMagic says:

    “Only for you, Logan. Got to get it through that thick skulls you Spartans are known to have.” She said with mirth getting him to shake his head.

    “Okay, Sexypants” said garfield with manliness!

  38. AdmiralSakai says:

    Holy crap. The comments. THEY’RE OVER 9000! (/90…)

  39. chaosservant says:

    Oh, this guy. I’ve stumbled on to a few of his fics. Each is terrible, but what’s especially aggravating is that they all literally start the same.

  40. SC says:

    And then one of the Elites striped him and then he raped him and then logan said go away you bastard.

    Then another Elite came with a whip and whiped him hard and then the Elites all togeter bet him almost to death.

  41. AdmiralSakai says:

    So, are we going to hit 117 comments on this one? Wouldn’t be as appropriate as one of the LOAS riffs, but still.

  42. […] the USG Arendelle Arkham Asylum Love of a Spartan Celebrian Jeff the Killer Jeff the Killer clones The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy Adopted Unknown Origins The war of O’khasis A Daughter My Inner Life A Very Special Christmas My […]

  43. The Crowbar says:

    I know I’m ridiculously late to this party, but…

    “You can now run at speeds between 60-100 Kmph

    HA! Doomguy can run faster!

  44. The Crowbar says:

    (It works like the Pip boy from the Fallout series).

    So, instead of describing the device through, for example, the main guy fiddling around with it or something like that, he…

    …He just compares it to another, completely different device and leaves it at that?

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