1781: THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING – Chapter One, Part One

Title: THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING
Author: GaGa4FrightNight
Media: Movie
Topic: The Princess Bride (Movie Version)
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL:Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello my lovelies!

I’ve decided to do a rotating update schedule for a little bit, to break up the pure insanity that is “Betrayal.”  One can only take so much of that sort of stupid before one’s eyes go crossed.  So, to break it up, I’m going to introduce you to “THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING,” a fic which is apparently yelling at us from the get go.

A quick glance at the profile shows that the author is fully capable of not using all-caps to type out fic titles, so I have no idea why they chose to do it this time.  If you’d like to take a peek at the profile, be ready for the pretentious ramblings of a supposedly late-30’s obsessive Fright Night fan.  Twenty-three of their twenty-four fics are Fright Night.  The twenty-fourth you will be reading shortly.

Now, before we begin, I would like to say that this is a hell of a lot easier to read than “Betrayal.”  That doesn’t make it better; it’s just bad in different ways.  It contains questionable grammar choices and a character that made my Sue-dar buzz before I even finished reading the summary.

Before we begin, I’ll give a brief, spoiler-ridden summary of “The Princess Bride,” for anyone living under a rock these last 30 years.  (And yes, Taco, this is all your fault for selecting the novel “The Princess Bride” for our family book club.  I’ve just finished it and it made me realize we have not yet touched this fandom in our Library.)

Anyway, the book varies a bit from the movie but, as the author of the book also wrote the screen play, it stays relatively true to the source material.  But there are a couple little differences.  Given that this fic takes place in the movie-verse, I’m not going to bother pointing out variations between the book and movie.  I’ll just go strictly by what happens in the movie.  And that is, essentially, this:

Jenny from Forest Gump falls in love with Robin Hood, who is killed off screen. She then has to marry the voice of Jack Skellington because he’s the prince and she’s supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  The prince, however, is a giant douche-hat, and hires Rex, the dinosaur from Toy Story, to kidnap and kill her, all while framing their neighboring country so they can have a nice war.  Rex uses a pro-wrestler and a young Jason Gideon from Criminal Minds to accomplish this.  Rhyming ensues. Then Robin Hood shows up out of nowhere because he’s not dead, he’s a pirate!  He defeats Jason and the pro-wrestler but leaves them alive, then kills Rex in a match of wits that was really cheating because “Oh, I’m immune to poison LOL!”  Jenny finds out who Robin Hood really is, they get kissy, then they run into a swamp to avoid the voice of Jack Skellington.  In the swamp, Jenny nearly gets them both killed because useless, then a small guy in a rat suit tries to eat Robin Hood, they escape the swamp, get captured by the voice of  Jack Skellington, Jenny tries to bargain for Robin Hood’s life, gets fooled because still useless, and Robin Hood ends up being the play thing of a guy who seems to be best known for impersonating a member of Spinal Tap named Nigel.  Robin Hood gets killed by a machine created by Fake!Nigel, Jenny and the voice of Jack Skellington get married, and the pro-wrestler and Jason Gideon take Robin Hood’s body to Billy Crystal and his wife (Not.a.Witch) in order to bring him back to life.  The 3 now-allies storm the castle by lighting the pro-wrestler on fire while he’s in a wheelbarrow (this totally works).  Jason Gideon kills Fake!Nigel in revenge for Fake!Nigel killing Jason Gideon Senior, Robin Hood saves Jenny, and the pro-wrestler finds some horses they can all ride away on.  The voice of Jack Skellington is, as of the end of the movie, tied to a chair, left to live knowing he was defeated by Robin Hood and his merry men.

Oh, and the whole thing is actually being read to the kid from The Wonder Years by his grandfather, Columbo.

Got it?  Okay, let’s go!

Let’s start with the summary that caught my attention.

Once upon a time, left tied to the chair in the honeymoon suite, rotten Prince Humperdinck is subjected to a truthful fairytale by Buttercup’s lady in waiting, the ebony haired and blue eyed Fauna who also is the Princess Bride’s evil cousin and who had expectations that she would be the Princess Bride.

See what I mean?  If Fauna isn’t a Sue, I’ll eat my Sue-dar.

THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING by GaGa4FrightNight

CHAPTER ONE

Yup, this is actually in the body of the story.  No way I would have known what I was reading without that there to remind me.

On the four white horses Buttercup and her darling Westley rode off alongside Inigo and Fezzik leaving the villain of the story tied to the chair in the honeymoon suite within the Castle Florin.

So we start off right at the end of the movie.  Awkwardly, if this sentence is any indication.

Prince Humperdinck had failed. His evil plan to murder his bride Buttercup on their wedding night to ignite a war with Guilder was a huge failure.

*A-WHOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

Wow, that didn’t take long.  *quickly prints off the summary of the movie from the beginning of the riff and tapes it to the outside of her office door.*  That should confuse them enough that they will go away.

His plan was thwarted by true love, the power of true love and he was beyond infuriated.

*A-WHOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

Well crap.  Let me see here… *fiddles with some buttons on her desk’s control panel*  Ah ha!  I haven’t used this in a while.  *presses a button; the sound of splashing and shrieking fills the hallway*  Trap door into the shrieking eel tank!

Yet, perhaps more so he was embarrassed for his coward had rose the moment he came face to face with the end of Westley’s sword.

The prince has a personal coward?  How does one get that job?  That coward should probably untie the prince if he wants to keep his job.

But was he more fearful of the strength the fabled true love had given Westley, whom he assumed he had taken care of with the use of the Machine.

Was he more fearful of that than…?  You can’t ” was X but more” without a comparative thing.

He sat tied down to the chair, constantly tried to pull free but Buttercup had unfortunately did as Westley urged, make the binds tight as she desired. His desperation drove him to shout out to whomever. Then came the sounds of footsteps. He sighed with relief, his demand for freedom was heard. But by whom?

The footsteps, delicate in sound, entered the honeymoon suite.

I’m sorry, but how in the world do footsteps sound “delicate?”  Don’t make me confiscate your thesaurus.

Humperdinck turned his head and again sighed with relief then praised,

*A-WHOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

Goddamnit!   *pulls a giant lever sticking out of the wall*   That should douse them with the scent of female moose in heat.  *pulls a second giant lever sticking out of the wall*  And that should release the male moose.

“Thank the lord, it’s you.” he then ordered his hopeful rescuer, “Untie me!”

It’s Hopeful Rescuer!  That’s my favorite character!

Peering back at the helplessly bound Prince of Florin were two large deep blue eyes lined with dark thick lashes, they reflected pure amusement.

*winces at the purple*  I should have expected this from the profile.

So a pair of sentient eyes floated into the room and reflected amusement.  The voice of Jack Skellington isn’t very amused right now, so who’s amusement are they reflecting?

Lina:  The coward’s.

GAH!  How did you get past all the booby traps?

Lina:  *waggles her fingers*  Magic.

He repeated, “Untie me!” then he announced, “They are getting away!”

Lina:  Well, isn’t this thing structured awkwardly.   What was wrong with having him just say “Untie me!  They are getting away!”

The author thinks you need to know if he’s repeating himself or making new statements.

Lina:  Well, fuck us.

Full and naturally light ruby lips formed a grin then passed them chimed, “Good!”

So now the room is occupied by the prince, his coward, a pair of sentient eyeball mirrors, and a pair of lips that keep passing around some chimes.

Lina:  Sue here needs to keep better tabs on her body parts.  She’s floating all over the place.

A gasp of surprise he gave then his face twisted with frustration and lowly he grumbled, “Fauna, untie me, now!”

Sounds less like a grumble and more like a growl.  This author is supposedly in their late 30’s.  How have they gotten this fair without realizing they sound ridiculously pretentious in their writing?

Dressed in a pale purple satin,

A pale purple satin.  Singular.  Just one.

Lina:  Explains where all the purple came from.  She brought it with her.

the ebony haired beauty named Fauna casually replied, “No.” She snootily lifted her chin, found it amusing that the Royal Prince had been subdued by his rivals.

She’d better high-tail it out of there after refusing him, then.  Soon as someone loyal to him comes in and unties him, you’ll be the next to die.  Humperdinck is not known for being merciful.

“What?!” Humperdinck questioned, surprised by Fauna’s defiance.

A prince is surprised one of his subjects won’t do what he says?!  You’re joking!

Lina:  Bit strong on the sarcasm, aren’t you?

Shush.  I haven’t had any coffee, tea, or soda for 6 days.  I might be a little-

Lina: Tetchy?

Yeah.

Lina:  Well, that’s what you get for following the advice of a kooky nutritionist.

I’m drinking over 8 cups of water a day, as well as eating very healthy, complete meals.   I just don’t get caffeine for four weeks.  It isn’t kooky; the science is sound.

Lina:  Yeah-huh.

Fauna responded, “You heard me.”

You don’t have to keep doing that, you know.  They’re the only two people in the room.  They’re having a conversation.  Humperdinck isn’t going to say “You heard me”; it would destroy the flow of conversation.  Having the descriptors before the dialogue is also a great way to disrupt the flow.  It can be done, it isn’t a terrible way to do it, but you can’t over-do it or it gets grating.

She then stepped to the desk where Buttercup previously sat before Westley made himself known. Her curious blue eyes studied the dagger which Buttercup had planned to use to pierce her own heart.

And how does Fauna-Sue know that’s why there was a dagger sitting on that desk?  Was she hiding in the armoire the entire time?

Her eyes shifted and spotted a folded piece of parchment. Curiously she hummed, one hand gathered the dagger as the other lifted the parchment.

Humperdinck loudly growled, his face angrily twisted as his dark brown eyes glared at Fauna. He warned, “Fauna, you best untie me!” he then ordered, “Now!”

That is going to be incredibly distracting.  Stop telling us the order in which characters are talking!  We aren’t idiots!

Fauna turned her head and looked to the Prince as he again uselessly tried to tug against the binds. She oddly stated, “But, my Prince, I thought you enjoyed being tied down.” she deviously giggled then asked, “Am I wrong?”

Lina: Kinky.

Humperdinck loudly stated, “I have no time for this!” he then nearly whined, “They have likely made it to the edge of Florin by now!”

With a quip she asked, “So?”

I hate to rain on your parade, but that’s not a quip.  A quip is a humorous statement.

Lina:  I have fears for us that this is going to be the level of “humor” in this “humor” fic.  I’m going to get us some coffee- oh wait.  You can’t have any for, what, another 22 days?

Fuck you.

Lina:  Toodles!  *exits through the office door*

Ignoring the whiny Prince, she strolled from the desk as she unfolded the parchment. She casually sat atop the large bench before the foot of the honeymoon bed. Her eyes looked to Buttercup’s written words, final words. “Oh, my.” she sang while twirling a rich ebony curl of hair with the tip of the dagger

To which the chunk of hair was sliced off.

then she read aloud, “To whom this may concern.”

Her eyes glanced at the fuming Prince then smartly asked him, “Are you possibly one for whom this concerns, my Lord?”

His eyes narrowed more at her, the furrow lines between his brows deepened.

If he narrows his eyes any more at her, he have closed them.

She loudly giggled then shook her head and stated, “Of course you are not.”

His jaw visibly flexed then he growled through clenched teeth, “Fauna.”

She again ignored him then continued to read the letter aloud, “If you are reading this, my darling Westley had not put a stop to my marriage to Prince Humperdinck.” she mockingly swooned then rolled her eyes, “And what could keep Westley away would only be death. My sweet sweet Westley is dead. I cannot bare an existence without him. I cannot continue living without my Westley.”

Given how Buttercup writes in the book, that’s not half-bad at keeping her in character.

She smirked then cleared her throat of a giggle and continued,

Lina:  Does this tart do anything other than giggle?

JESUS!

Lina:  Wrong undead person.  I’m Lina.

I.  Know.

Lina:  *sits down with a coffee in one hand and a tall glass of water in the other.  She hands the water to Lyle*  You’re behind on your intake.  Drink up.

…Yum…

“And I refuse to spend my life in the presence of a cowardly and heartless snake who claims to be a Prince.” she again cleared her throat of another laugh, “Prince Humperdinck is not worthy of the crown of Florin. He is a liar. He is a despicable soul who is not worth being called a man, let alone a Prince.”

Newsflash:  Royalty were often dicks.  It came with having near-unlimited power over the masses.

“Enough!” Humperdinck shouted in protest. His ego had already been slashed by his own actions, caved to Westley like a coward then tied down onto his coward’s throne.

Lina:  That coward has a pretty good gig if he gets his own throne.  Where do I sign up?

You’d make a terrible coward.

Lina: Would not!  I could provide excellent references.

When have you ever run away from something?

Lina:  When I was 19 and in the Rivertown underground.  Vlad and I were being chased by slayers.  We were vastly outnumbered and had to run down the tube until Vlad had enough time to shift us to safety.

Yes, but this was after you attempted to engage them in battle.  You didn’t run because you were a coward; you ran because Vlad was injured and you knew it would be impossible to win.

Fauna lowered the letter then questioned the Prince, “Truth hurts, does it not?”

He deterred his eyes from Fauna’s lovely face.

*reaches through the computer and snags the author’s thesaurus*  You can have it back when you knock off the purple.

She crumpled the letter then asked, “Does it bother you more that she simply ran off or she ran off with her dear Westley?”

He pursed his lips, refused to answer.

She then stated, “True love always wins, Prince.”

Lina:  False.  True love is an illusion cooked up by the media.

Says the woman who has been happily married for some forty-odd years.

Lina:  I never said Vlad was my one true love.

Then who is?

Lina:  No one.  Weren’t you paying attention?  I don’t believe in true love.  You really need some coffee.  Here.  *shoves her mocha at Lyle*

No.  No, I can do this without coffee.  *takes a gulp of water*

His eyes darted to her serious expression then he snapped, “Shut up!”

Considering he was about fifteen minutes away from killing Buttercup himself in order to frame Guilder and incite that war he got a hard-on for, I don’t think this author realizes how much Humperdinck doesn’t care about Buttercup.  Any princess would do, so long as he could have her killed and get his war.

Her chin proudly lifted then, ignoring his typical spoiled demand, she stated, “You were doomed the moment you idiotically chose Buttercup to be your Princess Bride.” her face drained of expression as a defensive hate enveloped her eyes, “And make me her damn lady in waiting.”

Lina:  So, who’s this tart, again?

Buttercup’s lady in waiting.  It says so right there.

Lina:  Yeah, I see that.  But she’s implying that he was doomed when he appointed her to that position.  What part did she play in that badly written fanfiction you summarized up there that lead to his guy’s downfall?

No idea.  Maybe she stood in the corner and whispered “dooooooom” between giggles.

She darted up onto her feet and tossed the crumbled letter over her shoulder. Her eyes glared down at the helpless Prince then she bitterly stated, “That so called wedding was not supposed to happen.”

Yes it was.  Buttercup was chosen to marry him.  That usually means some sort of wedding.

With a loud huff she turned then slowly strolled towards the window the four had made their escape. Her bitter tone continued, “Buttercup was not supposed to get that far in all this.” she peered out the window, “She was never supposed to survive the Spaniard, Giant, and Sicilian.”

No shit, Sherlock.

Lina:  Wooo boy.  The villain is monologing in the first chapter.

Let’s not tell Crunchy.

With an angry spin she turned from the window and aimed hateful eyes on the Prince who remained stubbornly quiet. She loudly grumbled and pointed at herself, “I was supposed to be before that alter beside you, not sickeningly sweet Buttercup!” she then quietly stated, “Me, not my perfect cousin.”

Lina:  Least she isn’t the long lost twin or something like that.  Cousin I could believe.

Her full mouth pouted as her eyes lowered with disappointment. Pitifully and with great jealousy she more so questioned herself, “Why always Buttercup?” sluggishly with her typical proper posture slumped, she stepped forward, “Why a mere peasant girl with golden hair and whatever other so called perfections?”

If you’re cousins, wouldn’t you also have been a peasant girl?

Lina:  Maybe her branch of the family was promoted to merchant.

Humperdinck huffed through his nostrils, he was tiring of being tied down while his source of war with Guilder was likely far gone. Finally he spoke, “Because the peasants would bond with one of their own and upon her death they would have begged to go to war against Guilder.” he then added with a grumble, “That is why Buttercup.”

That’s a sorry excuse.  Especially since we know the reason “Why Buttercup” was because she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Fauna’s pout quickly faded beneath an angered expression then she shouted at the Prince, “And look what happened, dear Prince!” she stepped before him, “Your desire for war jumped out that window!” she pointed at the window,

No, Jenny, Robin Hood, and Jason Gideon jumped out that window.  Did no one read the summary?

Lina: Probably not.

“And has rode away into the sunset with her one true love, the farm boy Westley! And here you are!” her arms tossed in the air in gesture to his situation, “Tied to a chair and left to face the shame of your failures!”

It was nighttime already when she was rescued.  There was no sunset.

Lina:  I think it was a figure of speech.

Don’t side with the oddly angry Sue who doesn’t seem to realize that she could still be Queen if she’d just untie the prince and offer herself up as marriage material.

Lina:  The prince that wanted to kill his wife?  I don’t think that would recommend anyone to being his wife.

Fauna-Sue would be fine, though.  She’s obviously a bitch; why would anyone go to war over her death?

His eyes lifted and glared up at the angry lady in waiting. Her every shouted word was the truth. Then he watched her anger fade as again she began to pout.

Wow, she as such a wide range of emotions.  Anger.  Pouting.  Uhm… was there anything else?

Lina:  Giggling.

Giggling isn’t an emotion.

Lina:  This author seems to think it is.

Her tone pathetic, she asked, “Why is war more important than me?” her pout again faded and she then angrily questioned, “What use is war anyways?

What would you have proven if you succeeded and war with Guilder went on as planned?”

He would have probably conquered Guilder, doubled his land and income, and secured his borders against other, large nations.

She bent forward, brought her face before his then asked, “Why was I not enough, your Majesty?” she then aimed the tip of the dagger in his anger twisted face, “Why could you not have been satisfied with me? No war and stupid Buttercup, just me?”

Lina:  Because you’re certifiably off your rocker.

He reluctantly replied, “You would not understand.”

“Oh,” she grimaced then stated, “I understand.” she rose up, “You thought starting a senseless war with Guilder would prove yourself as the ruler needed for Florin.” she stuck her tongue out at the Prince then quipped, “I am not stupid.”

Lina:  Not a bloody quip, you twat!

And you said I’m tetchy.

She turned around then seated herself on the Prince’s lap while her eyes admired the silver dagger. She curiously questioned, “I wonder, if Westley had stayed dead, which you thought you had succeeded in doing, would my cousin have went through with killing herself in his honor?” her head curious tilted as the tip of the blade was aimed at her chest, “Would she have plunged this dagger into the depths of her broken heart?”

Probably?  She seemed pretty intent on doing it until Robin Hood stopped her.

Lina:  Can this woman hold still for two bloody seconds?  Stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down… just park your arse somewhere and stay put!

Her eyes thoughtful, she then stated, “In truth, she truly loves her Westley.”

Reveal of the century!

Humperdinck rolled his eyes. True love was a waste of time and effort in his selfish opinion. He then took a deep breath in preparation to convince Fauna’s assistance and calmly requested, “Fauna, dear, would you please undo these binds?”

Her head darted and looked at the Prince. She loathed his attempt at sweetness then quipped, “No.” She again looked to the blade and listened to him frustratingly huff.

Do I need to make a counter?

Lina:  No need.  *places one on the desk and smacks it three times*

Not a Bloody Quip, You Twat: 3

Should he? Was he capable of apologies even if not truly honest?

Everyone can make an insincere apology.  It’s the sincere ones that are hard to come by.

Humperdinck took another preparing breath then began an attempt at an apolofy,

*snort-giggle*

“Fauna, darling, I am…” He was swiftly interrupted.

“I refuse to hear it.” Fauna firmly stated, “What comes out of that deceptively lovely mouth of yours are nothing but selfish lies.” she lifted her chin with stubbornness, “Throughout these years nothing but lie after lie, you thoughtless oaf.”

Robin Hood was much more creative in his insults.

Again she pouted, felt deceived by the supposedly great Prince of Florin. Perhaps she was not innocent either but she honestly thought that was one quality they had in common.

Innocence was one quality they shared?

Lina:  *snort*

So many years felt wasted. Her years of being primed by her overbearing mother seemed done in vain. She had fought her way to the top. She clawed her way through the cluster of prim and proper ladies to shine before the Prince. And all seemingly was done without purpose or expected reward.

Lina:  Oh my sweet summer child, no one puts that much effort into “clawing” their way up the ladder without expecting a reward.

She held her pout and reluctantly looked to her bound Prince then asked, “Might I tell you a fairytale, my selfish Prince?”

Fauna-Sue has as few facial expressions as Bella Swan.

Lina:  Well, this thing is supposed to be based off the movie, right?  Let’s go ahead and cast Bella as Fauna.

Sounds good.

He asked in response, “Once your fairytale is told, will you then set me free?”

Her slowly nodded though she was quite satisfied where she had him, bound and no longer in control.

I hope he gets to be untied for potty breaks, otherwise this is going to be very awkward for everyone as soon as his bladder gets too full.

He huffed, “Fine.”

“Good,” she chimed then stated, “This fairytale might seem familiar, darling self centered Majesty.”

She cleared her throat and began her tale, “Once upon a time in the land of Florin there was a young woman who had been preparing all her life for the grand moment she would be introduced to the Royal Court…”

So basically she’s going to tell him her sob story for [reasons]?

Lina: Oh, well that’s just fantastic, init?

Don’t worry. We’re stopping here this week.  We’ll pick up on “Oh, woe is meeeeee!” next time we visit this festering pile of albino bat droppings.  Until then, be well, my lovelies!

Lina:  Oh, I forgot!  I wanted to give you this coupon for three free extra large coffees with unlimited shots and flavoring.  It expires next week, though, so you’d best use it.  Oh, wait… you can’t!

Fuck. You.

 

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74 Comments on “1781: THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING – Chapter One, Part One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    rotten Prince Humperdinck is subjected to a truthful fairytale by Buttercup’s lady in waiting, the ebony haired and blue eyed Fauna

    Fauna

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    He repeated, “Untie me!” then he announced, “They are getting away!”

    Lina: Well, isn’t this thing structured awkwardly. What was wrong with having him just say “Untie me! They are getting away!”

    Wait, if your big concern is that they’re getting away, shouldn’t she wait to untie him and instead immediately chase after them?

  3. GhostCat says:

    I gotta say, that’s the best synopsis of Princess Bride I’ve ever read. I do find it funny that everyone gets character names except Billy Crystal, but you completely forgot Carol Kane.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    So now the room is occupied by the prince, his coward, a pair of sentient eyeball mirrors, and a pair of lips that keep passing around some chimes.

    That last set should really think about settling down with the ambulatory smile.

  5. Her tone pathetic, she asked, “Why is war more important than me?” her pout again faded and she then angrily questioned, “What use is war anyways?

    Ohh, you silly girl. In a few hundred years when the words “defense contractor” enter your lexicon you’ll understand.

  6. GhostCat says:

    This author is supposedly in their late 30’s. How have they gotten this fair without realizing they sound ridiculously pretentious in their writing?

    You mean this author is near my age? I would never have guessed. But age doesn’t necessarily mean someone has matured as a writer – Stephanie Meyer is in her forties.

  7. BatJamags says:

    Alright, what’s the fic for tod-

    Title: THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING

    *IS BLOWN OUT OF CHAIR BY THE FORCE OF THE CAPS LOCK*

    The Princess Bride is awesome, but I don’t remember it being this intense.

  8. GhostCat says:

    Her eyes glanced at the fuming Prince then smartly asked him, “Are you possibly one for whom this concerns, my Lord?”

    Prince Humperdink is, y’know, a prince – unless Fauna-Sue thinks he’s God then he would be address as “Your Highness”, not “my Lord”.

  9. BatJamags says:

    small guy in a rat suit

    Guys in rat suits of unusual size? I don’t think they exist.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Once upon a time, left tied to the chair in the honeymoon suite, rotten Prince Humperdinck is subjected to a truthful fairytale by Buttercup’s lady in waiting, the ebony haired and blue eyed Fauna who also is the Princess Bride’s evil cousin and who had expectations that she would be the Princess Bride.

    I’m going to be sick. First, “truthful fairytale?” You’ve only used those two words once, and I already don’t think they mean what you think they mean. Second, Buttercup has a lady in waiting? Third, why do I care what color her hair and eyes are? Fourth, why is she “the animals of a particular region, habitat, or geological period?” Or is she like a RWBY Faunus? And since when does Buttercup have a cousin? And why is her cousin evil? And a faunus? And why did her evil faunus cousin expect to be the Princess Bride (there’s a sentence I didn’t expect to be writing when I woke up this morning)?

  11. BatJamags says:

    Peering back at the helplessly bound Prince of Florin were two large deep blue eyes lined with dark thick lashes, they reflected pure amusement.

    I hate this character so much already.

  12. GhostCat says:

    Her full mouth pouted as her eyes lowered with disappointment. Pitifully and with great jealousy she more so questioned herself, “Why always Buttercup?” sluggishly with her typical proper posture slumped, she stepped forward, “Why a mere peasant girl with golden hair and whatever other so called perfections?”

    :blinks:

    What the frickin’ hell is she doing with her body?

  13. BatJamags says:

    GAH! How did you get past all the booby traps?

    Please don’t say that word while Syl’s around.

    • SC says:

      *Glasses peeks in*

      Glasses: I’m here too~

      • Syl says:

        [wolf-whistles] I’ll say!

      • agigabyte says:

        Cain: Syl harassed the government so much for various things that can only vaguely be interpreted as innuendo, that they ended up changing several dictionary entries. There’s also a debate going around as to whether or not we should change the word “dictionary” itself.

  14. GhostCat says:

    Fauna’s pout quickly faded beneath an angered expression then she shouted at the Prince, “And look what happened, dear Prince!” she stepped before him, “Your desire for war jumped out that window!” she pointed at the window,

    It looks as if Fauna-Sue was fully aware of Prince Humperdinck’s plans to murder Buttercup to start a war with the neighbors, so why was she so dead-set on marrying him? I think the author is trying to make it all seem like some sort of big romance, but he would have killed her just like he planned to kill Buttercup. He can’t frame Gilder for murder without having a dead wife.

  15. GhostCat says:

    And has rode away into the sunset with her one true love, the farm boy Westley!

    It’s pronounced “Dread Pirate Roberts”, bitch.

    • SC says:

      Which is not actually his name, of course, nor was it the name of the former Dread Pirate Roberts. No, that man was really named William. And, of course, his predecessor was also not really Dread Pirate Roberts.

  16. BatJamags says:

    She then stepped to the desk where Buttercup previously sat before Westley made himself known. Her curious blue eyes studied the dagger which Buttercup had planned to use to pierce her own heart.

    We seem to have switched POV mid-narrative again. Twice. In one paragraph. First to Blake here, and then to omniscient. *Sigh* Why can’t authors just stick to one POV? Hell, I’d take first person if it meant a little consistency.

  17. BatJamags says:

    If he narrows his eyes any more at her, he have closed them.

    I think you word or two there.

  18. GhostCat says:

    “Good,” she chimed then stated, “This fairytale might seem familiar, darling self centered Majesty.”

    Highness, not Majesty; he’s not the king yet.

  19. BatJamags says:

    Newsflash: Royalty were often dicks. It came with having near-unlimited power over the masses.

    And also that they were hereditary, which meant that personality was almost never a factor in maintaining their power, and they didn’t have to answer to anybody.

    Except other royalty.

    And the occasional peasant revolt.

    Then again, the other royalty were often also dicks and the peasants usually didn’t get very far. Until they did. And that’s how France happened. Vivre la république!

  20. BatJamags says:

    She bent forward, brought her face before his then asked, “Why was I not enough, your Majesty?” she then aimed the tip of the dagger in his anger twisted face, “Why could you not have been satisfied with me? No war and stupid Buttercup, just me?”

    Yeah, I’m getting some real Play Misty for Me vibes from this lady.

    • GhostCat says:

      I think she vastly underestimates how badly Humperdinck wants that war as well as overestimates Humperdinck’s feelings for Buttercup.

      Did Humperdinck and Fauna-Sue even have a relationship at all? He knows who she is, but there’s no indication on his part that they were ever involved in anything. There appears to be a lot of “Senpai, notice me!”-esque one-sided infatuation on her part.

  21. BatJamags says:

    quipped

    Go away, Stupard.

  22. TacoMagic says:

    Once upon a time, left tied to the chair in the honeymoon suite, rotten Prince Humperdinck is subjected to a truthful fairytale by Buttercup’s lady in waiting, the ebony haired and blue eyed Fauna who also is the Princess Bride’s evil cousin and who had expectations that she would be the Princess Bride.

    Welp, I guess that means it’s time to start drinking.

  23. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Peering back at the helplessly bound Prince of Florin were two large deep blue eyes lined with dark thick lashes, they reflected pure amusement. However, before the eyes could do anything of consequence, a hand-like appendage with three long, taloned fingers swept in from behind and snatched them up.

    *Crunchy reattaches his hand and drops the eyes into his collection box*

    And to think I doubted the usefulness of that skill when originally taught it. Such is the naiveté of youth.

    Now I have to admit that it is quite the handy trick.

    • GhostCat says:

      :looks down at rolled-up newspaper in hand:

      I really want to do it, but the respawners have been really bitchy with me lately…

      • CrunchyRaptor says:

        Though you may think you have a grasp on it, you have yet to come to grips with my superior humor. Though, I do have to hand it to you that you are showing an amazing level of restrai-.

        *Mauled by Eliza*

      • GhostCat says:

        :orders Eliza a dozen Blood/Red Velvet cupcakes with special glitter wrappers and extra sprinkles:

  24. I’ll have to do a backtrack one of these days and see what I missed in the riffings.

    • SC says:

      I can give a footnotes summary:

      A fuckin’ lot.

      • I know, just read a few, if you couldn’t tell from my commenting.

      • agigabyte says:

        For one, Ghostie got shipped with Monocles.

      • agigabyte says:

        Other than EclipsePheniox, worst Fanfiction Author known to man, I’d say more interesting things have been happening in the comments and riffs than in terms of the things that are being riffed.

        Such as Ghostie being shipped with a Space Barbarian who’s terrified of women.

      • Delta XIII says:

        I take full credit for exposing to Library to more EclipsePheniox, though I make no apologies.

      • Eclipse came back? It is worse than I feared.

      • SC says:

        Oh yeah, and we now have a porno fangirl ring consisting of Swenia, Glasses, Shades, Bifocals and Syl. They frequently hijack the intercom and blast porno music whenever sexual innuendos are discovered in riffs.

      • agigabyte says:

        Cain: Goddess also occasionally joins in-

        *A note appears in front of Cain*

        Cain: I don’t think I even want to pick that up. As I was saying, she occasionally participates in their discussions, when she isn’t busy running a company or trying to usurp the position of Goddess of Annoyance.

      • SC says:

        Oh, and by the way agig, Monocle would like to inform you that, and I quote: “I AM NO BARBARIAN, I AM A GLORIOUS WAR PRINCE, AND YOU WILL LEARN TO USE MY PROPER TITLE OF ADDRESS OR BE SMEARED ACROSS THE FUCKING WALLS!”.

        I think he might be a bit upset.

      • agigabyte says:

        He is aware that he’d have to reach through the fifth wall to reach me, right? And that he can’t hurt me because I’m a writer and he’s a character, even if someone else’s?

        Oh, right. He’s a Barbarian.

      • SC says:

        *Loud, angry screaming*

        Yep, he pissed.

      • agigabyte says:

        An understandable reaction to doing that in public, but that’s a bit too much information.

      • GhostCat says:

        You think he is pissed; what about me?!? I’m getting shipped with Sir Yellsalot.

      • Swenia says:

        *Pats Ghostie on the shoulder*

        We appreciate you taking one for the team. It lets the rest of us hunt Bookie and Glasses undisturbed.

      • GhostCat says:

        But why couldn’t it have been Shades? At least she’s a badass and has that sexy accent; Monocle just yells at everything.

      • SC says:

        Shades: Oi, what’s going on in- why are we talking about shipping me?

      • agigabyte says:

        *Goddess appears*

        Goddess: Hey, why are you guys making crack-ships without me?! You know that’s my favorite thing!

        Cain: Goddess, you know I’m going to arrest you, now.

        Goddess: Nope!

        Cain: Really, now.

        Goddess: Yep!

        *Goddess holds up a contract for Cain to read*

        Cain: I’m not going to get an answer if I ask how you got the Library to agree to these terms, am I?

        Goddess: Nope!

        Cain: Just… stay off Ganymede. It’s our temporary Capital.

        Goddess: Aww. Fine. Anyway, you fine girls have any updates on the MonoCat 2.0 initiative?

  25. KittyNoodles says:

    From the bio:

    My brick road could be going one way or the other. I’ll just put on my blood ruby platform hooker boots collected from the Wicked Vampire of the East Regine’s rotten corpse given to me by the good and flakey Judy and go skipping down the road where I’ll meet up with the brain damaged Evil Ed, then the broken hearted Amy, followed by the scared shitless Charley and together we’ll skip arm in arm singing Fright Night by the J. Geils band.

    Guys, I’ve got it. This is Tara Gillespie’s new FF.net profile.

    • GhostCat says:

      Is this a bio or a Wizard of Oz fanifc with a SI Sue?

      • "Lyle" says:

        I call not-dibs on riffing the bio-fic. *shudders*

      • SC says:

        As I might be slightly masochistic (or have a high pain tolerance, whichever), I’ma live-riff it.

        My brick road could be going one way or the other.

        ♪I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, ge-♪

        *Specs smacks SC upside the head*

        I’ll just put on my blood ruby platform hooker boots collected from the Wicked Vampire of the East Regine’s rotten corpse given to me by the good and flakey Judy

        Contacts: Can’t decide if I should try and steal those or just let Syl have them. The blood ruby part is damn tempting.

        and go skipping down the road where I’ll meet up with the brain damaged Evil Ed,

        His doomsday device exploded and a piece of the shrapnel got lodged in his skull. We call him Ishmael now.

        then the broken hearted Amy,

        Despite her best efforts, Sonic got away again.

        followed by the scared shitless Charley

        You try getting your fucking kidney ripped out and say you’re not gunshy of going back to Candy Mountain.

        and together we’ll skip arm in arm singing Fright Night by the J. Geils band.

        So they’re gonna be singing this, just to let you know:

        …Not the easiest tune to skip to, huh?

      • Delta XIII says:

        His doomsday device exploded and a piece of the shrapnel got lodged in his skull. We call him Ishmael now.

        Wrong one; Ahab was the one with shrapnel in his skull. Ishmael was the one who covered his face with bandages for plot twist reasons.

  26. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    Jenny from Forest Gump… Robin Hood… Jack Skellington … Toy Story … Criminal Minds

    I was kinda skimming the first parts of this and thought this was supposed to be a description of the fic :(

    That’s a fun way of thinking of it tho

    Makes me kinda wanna see V For Vendetta done with Bayformers Megatron

  27. […] foe Popo, Star Spawn of Cthulhu element Fall to Equestria MLP Jurassic Equestria Garfield Effect THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING Slender: Find the Eight Pages They Said Subnautica The Novel (Chapter Bundle 4 is out!) help me […]


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