1570: A New Metal Cyborg Trio! – Chapter One, Part Two and Chapter Two, Part One

Title: A New Metal Cyborg Trio!
Author: bopdog111
Media: Video Game
Topic: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Genre: Adventure/Mystery
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC, Gunny and Rook

Gunny: Wow, look at that na-

No, fuck you, fuck off, we’re not doing that again.

Rook: Didn’t Cook say he and Doc accidentally triggered something bad last time?

Yes, and I’m not doing that shit again, so we’re starting before Gunny gets a chance to finish her sen-

Gunny: Wow,lookatthattitle!It’sreallyredundant,huh?

*Alarms Blare*

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

*Gunny grins trollishly*

Rook: This is why Bear hates you, you know.

~A SECOND ROUND OF KICKED DRD ASSES LATER~

Clean up that mess.

Gunny: No.

It’s your fault, it’s your problem.

Gunny: Nuh uh.

Fine, then when Lyle gets pissed about it smelling like dead things in here, it’s your ass.

*Gunny sticks her tongue out at SC*

Rook: …What are you, five?

Well, anyways, hello, and welcome back to A New Cyborg Trio!, by bopdog111! I’m your host, SC, and last time, three kids (one who I mistook for a girl the entire time until he revealed that he was actually a boy) got lolyoinked into the world of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, chased after Raiden rather than doing the sane thing and finding cover, and proceeded to not kill a cyborg operative, match Sundowner in combat, or pick up swords they’ve never seen before in their lives and use them like they’ve had years of training with melee weaponry. Because no. I reject this fic’s canon.

With me this week are two more of Cobalt’s mercenary team, because what the hell, there’s three chapters of this and eight members of his team, I may as well capitalize on the chance to actually USE these characters.

This time, I have Sergeant Dot “Gunny” Jackson, and Georgia “Rook” Clarence, who are Cobalt’s markswoman and scout, respectively. I don’t want to take as much time focusing on their bios as I did with Cook, because honestly, I’m still working on proper bios for these two, so I’ll just give short versions of both:

Gunny was originally a sniper for an elite special forces team, Task Force 285, led by Parisian-born Commander Margot Delacroix, who ended up working for Director Dole as one of his lieutenants. Gunny saw many, many firefights, and it would probably be a lie to say that she didn’t end up killing some kids fresh out of school, which weighed heavy on her conscience. This, on top of a lengthy and equally violent pre-Task Force 285 career in the marines, ended up saddling Gunny with severe PTSD, and she had to be discharged and institutionalized for her own health. Thankfully, she was able to recover enough to be deemed safe to mingle with society again, and was released under her own recognizance. So, of course, she immediately went back to doing the exact thing that institutionalized her to begin with: being a sniper. This time, though, she wound up working for Cobalt, who had contacted her shortly after her release, on the advice of Commander Delacroix when Cobalt asked her about any capable individuals she knew that could help fill out his ranks. Overall, Gunny is the bright spot among all the gloomy heads in Cobalt’s team, but not necessarily because she’s actually happy. It’s more a defense mechanism against slipping back into that pit she was in after she retired from military service. Gunny was her old nickname from the marines, because she was usually to be found in the armory after returning from the battlefield.

As for Rook, she started out as a high school drop-out who ended up turning to a life of crime. She managed to wrack up quite the rap sheet before finally being arrested, with charges including, but not limited to: grand larceny, assault with a deadly weapon, assault against an officer of law enforcement, breaking and entering, grand theft auto, kidnapping, murder in the first degree, stalking, arson, aggravated assault… oh, and there was at least one instance where she was involved in a hostage crisis, but as one of the hostages. That one’s actually her favorite story to tell, because she ended up wildly tipping the scales in the law’s favor by suicidally charging one of the gunmen and provoking him to fire, which sent the bullet straight through her gut and into one of the other gunmen, killing him instantly, which caused instant karma against the first gunman as his dying buddy’s trigger finger clenched down and ripped the entire magazine right up his torso. This caused a great deal of chaos among the other hostages and the two surviving hostage-takers, allowing Rook time enough to grab one of the guns with her remaining strength and finish them off before she blacked out. (And, yes, she escaped from the hospital before police were able to arrest her, because she is the slipperiest bitch.)

So, needless to say, Rook was looking at some lengthy jail time – more specifically, she was maybe one hit and run short of a death sentence – but then suddenly “disappeared” from her cell and escaped the penitentiary, with a trail of slain prisoners and guards as evidence to the act. Rook wasn’t the one that killed them, though: the truth was that she was broken out by the same Commander Delacroix that Gunny used to work for, and as luck would have it, Rook ended up being placed in Cobalt’s team. Due to her… uh… wide variety of talents, it was a difficult decision Cobalt was left with, regarding her role. She ended up being made the team scout on account of how she evaded law enforcement for as long as she did before she finally got caught. She’s also under strict supervision at all times to make sure she doesn’t try any stupid shit on Cobalt’s watch, but hey, at least it ain’t metal bars.

Also, she earned the callsign “Rook” because that’s her favorite chess piece for some reason.

*Gunny blinks and turns to stare at Rook in shock*

Rook: …Yeah, my junior year really sucked ass.

Gunny: Sooo, how come you never told me about any of this?

Rook: I didn’t want to make you jealous that a seventeen-year-old kid was more insane than you.

Being jealous of someone being crazier than them is Rogue’s thing, not Gunny’s.

Rook: So, hey, I thought you said you were still working on our bios?

I am, do you see how close to being a Sue your bio makes you out to be right now?

Alright, enough of that. You know who these guys are, now, so let’s get back into the riff. We had to cut off chapter one last time because I was on a time crunch, so we’ll be completing it and chapter two in one go, this week. Now then, where did we-

(Boss theme: Rules of Nature)

Oh, fuck damn it, I forgot.

At the bottem corner was it’s health that says 100.0%, and Metal Gear Ray at the top.

Oh great, this is another author who thinks putting game mechanics in a fic is a good idea for a legit story, rather than a jokefic. That always goes well around here.

Rook: One of my classmates was named Ray. He was about as useless as a fly is annoying. All he ever did was start shit and then whine to the teacher like a stupid little bitch whenever someone thought to try and shove it back in his face.

Gunny: Your past life is just wonderful, isn’t it?

Rook: It was entertaining, I’ll say that much.

The Metal Gear Ray fired missiles from his arms. We avoided them and activated Ninja Run which we ran fast to reflect the bullets he shoots.

Ow the pain.

Rook: I should email some police commissioners and suggest “assault with god-awful writing” as a potential new felony charge.

Gunny: Wouldn’t that just get the Marshals sent after you?

Rook: Yeah, probably.

So, Ninja Run is another in-game mechanic, wherein Raiden is able to seamlessly sprint, do fancy parkour over obstacles, and yes, deflect incoming enemy fire, as the author said. It’s a really fun mechanic, so long as you know what your doing. Otherwise, it can quickly lead to shenanigans of the, “swearing-angrily-at-the-TV” variety. Although, as this is a Platinum game, winding up in shenanigans is pretty hard to avoid, anyhow.

*Gunny clears her throat and pointedly looks anywhere but at Rook*

Rook: Hey!

I charged and unsheated my High Frequency Blade

Gunny: You know, I kind of don’t want to ask how unsheating works.

Well, it’s like when you go to the bathroom to sheat, but in reverse.

Rook: My FUCKING BRAIN!

Gunny: Dude, she’s like nineteen, was that really necessary?

You kidding? I’d scar Agig’s mind just as quickly, if I knew how.

and slashed at a fast speed that got his leg

Yeah right, author. Even in-canon, Raiden was incapable of flat-out removing a Metal Gear’s limbs. At least, not without dicing their armor plating off, first.

Gunny: This is more material for me to throw at Cook, Rogue, Doc and Saber, just so you know.

Rook: Thanks for helping nerds be even bigger nerds, pal.

I do what I can for my people.

the girls followed my example.

Important to note: One has a bow that shoots energy bolts and can turn into a sword, and the other has a pair of short swords.

Rook: Oof.

Gunny: So you called us here with the express purpose of making me mad, then?

Not at first, but then I remembered that that’s what the author’s going with.

Rook: By the end of this riff, Bear’s gonna be so proud of you. Or just hate you worse than she already does, whichever.

Metal Gear Ray jumped up and landed on the other side of the hanger.

Given how big Metal Gears are, that had to have been one huge fucking hangar to accommodate that kind of acrobatic activity.

Gunny: How big are Metal Gears?

They fire nukes and are made to be all-terrain.

Gunny: Fuck-huge, got it.

His health is now 98.6%. The Metal Gear Ray fired bullets but we used Ninja Run to reflect them back. Madison used her blades to strike his legs.

So, unmanned RAYs are usually armed with lasers and missiles and shit, could someone please explain why this one is just using bullets when it’s already received a data report, in the form of getting hit once already, that clearly shows how ineffective they are versus cyborg operatives?

Rook: “Maybe if I try it from this angle…”

Gunny: “Shit, nope, same result, same result!”

Cassie used her High Frequency Bow

So I explained last time that the logic behind HF Blades is that they’re superheated swords that vibrate at incredibly high frequencies to seamlessly cut in between atoms, right? How the fuck’s that supposed to apply to a bow? Especially a bow that reconfigures into a sword, however the crap that works outside of Kid Icarus logic?

Gunny: Arrows already have wind resistance to fight against, if they’re vibrating on top of that, they’re not gonna fly for very long.

Yeah, but this bow fires energy bolts.

Gunny: …So the actual bow would be vibrating, then? Well, that makes it kind of useless when activated in long range mode, doesn’t it? You get a jittery hand, your aim gets thrown off, and then it doesn’t even matter if your bow shoots energy bolts or those fancy arrows Hawkeye uses, it’s damn likely you’re not going to hit your mark. And it’s already a logistical nightmare for a single-purpose weapon to have high frequency vibrations, this bow is dual-purpose, that’s even worse to try and figure out.

Rook: This fucking thing is the most dangerously inefficient piece of crap I’ve ever heard of.

I mean, we’ve had far worse here at the Library, to be sure, but this one is certainly up there.

lighting bolts at it.

Gunny: Now it’s lightning bolts? I swear, every time someone comes up with a lightning-based weapon, Nikola Tesla spins in his grave.

Thereby generating his own electrical field via static drawn from his dusty dead ass rubbing against the inside of the coffin.

Rook: That’s not how that works, and you damn well know it.

I charged and slashed and while spinning and unleashing my dagger.

Did anybody else hear a bionic spinal column snapping?

Bifocals, poking her head in frantically: Gilderoy twisted himself apart! Send help!

Well, that would explain it.

I slashed at a very fast speed.

Rook: But how fast?

Very.

Gunny: Faster than you.

Rook: That’s impossible. I slash too fast.

Madison made a downward X at one of the legs.

Accomplishing what, precisely? Because that said nothing about the attack connecting, nor that anything happened as a result of it.

My screen suddenly said ‘Blade Mode!’

Gunny: Why would anybody waste their time programming such a cheesy notification into a combat HUD?

They wouldn’t. But apparently, this author thinks that the game’s HUD is what was actually in Raiden’s visor, so that’s what they’re going with.

I jumped and everything slowed down when i reached one of the guns. I slashed it at a fast speed and the gun turned into tons of tiny pieces that exploded.

You know time doesn’t actually slow down when Raiden goes into blade mode, right? That’s just so that the player has time to line up their cut. It’s a cinematic effect. In reality, Raiden just moves that absurdly fast, because his chassis is sturdy enough to allow for that level of speed.

His health is now 86.3%. The Metal Gear roared as it whipped me away with his tail. I landed in the ground and i didn’t feel any pain from that.

That’s a canon thing. Cyborg operatives have inhibitors that shut down their brain’s ability to feel emotion or pain, so as to prevent them from falling victim as easily to the kind of weaknesses that regular soldiers face. I say, “as easily,” because it seems as though the elite operatives like Raiden, or the Winds of Destruction, don’t have emotional inhibitors, and Raiden TURNS OFF his pain inhibitors in a moment of murderous insanity and still manages to take out Monsoon without skipping a beat.

Cassie used her bow to shoot more shots and it got the other one of the Metal Gear Ray’s guns. Madison slashed it as it roared. It jumped again. It fired a big Ray from it’s face. We avoided it. We slashed his leg as he roared and fired more missiles that I used Blade Mode to slashed them in half as the girls followed my example. Cassie damage it armor by going to Blade Mode and slashed with her blade.

Christ, you have to be the least effective RAY I’ve ever seen. I mean, yeah, Revengeance makes it a point to really chump up RAYs in-game (a competent player could take out a RAY with a perfect score in something like five minutes), but they still put up enough of a hassle to be considered a serious threat. This guy’s a joke.

Gunny: Waaaiiit, they cut missiles in half? Uh, did nobody ever tell the author that missiles, you know, explode on contact? The second that kid’s sword hit the missile, it should have cremated him.

That, sadly, is another canon thing. Apparently, HF weapons are so powerful that they can negate reality by doing such ungodly shit as chopping missiles up like vegetables, or dismembering the nearly invincible forces of nature that are Metal Gears.

Rook: I like how the one idiot went into blade mode and only succeeded at damaging the armor, right on the heels of you saying that HF weapons can straight-up dismember Metal Gears.

Someone gave Cassie the shit weapons.

The Metal Gear Ray’s health is now at 67.9%.

Here’s another thing: These kids are having waaay too easy a time handling this RAY. You only start really hurting the RAY after you’ve taken off its armor and guns. As I said before, with their armor plating, they’re almost impervious to damage, that’s why it’s a battle prerequisite to remove said armor in the first place. Now, granted, with especially powerful cyborgs that have leagues more training under their belts, a strategy in mind, and modified weapons to boot (like Raiden and Sam, who both ended up fighting RAYs at separate points in time), wiping out a RAY really doesn’t take long at all, as evidenced here:

But for a regular operative? Or a trio of kids who JUST got modified? Oh, forget it. The author seems to not realize that a newly converted cyborg still has to adjust to their nerve endings manipulating machinery rather than flesh and bone. That’s, like, the one mainstay for cyborgs across ALL media: They can’t just get up and go straight out of conversion surgery.

Not to mention that with their weapons, it’s a miracle if they can even dent the damn thing. Let’s review:

One of them has a bow that shoots lightning. Oh, great, nevermind that a Metal Gear’s armor probably negates the effects of shit like that on principle. Colonel Volgin, one of the main antagonists of MGS3, could channel electricity through his body at will, and was still able to pilot the Shagohod tank – the precursor to ALL Metal Gears – without any trouble. Even when the Shagohod tank was badly damaged and he ripped its internal wiring out. Yes, he did it to directly feed electricity into the wires and manipulate the Shagohod manually, but the point is, if it wasn’t impervious to electrical currents, that probably wouldn’t have worked. Plus, arrows. You have to imagine that piercing weaponry was the first thing considered when the armor plating for a Metal Gear was devised, given that everybody had access to guns by this point. If a stray arrow could get through a Metal Gear’s armor, that’s a defective Metal Gear.

One of them has a pair of short swords. Short swords, as in, they’re probably one or two feet long. Basically a really big pair of knives. Knives are among the weaker end of the HF weaponry spectrum. Short, weak blades, charged with electricity that the thing is likely immune to, versus armor plating that would have to be thick enough to shrug off artillery fire in order to maintain the threat level that Metal Gears represent in-universe? Good luck getting shit done with those, kid.

And the third kid has a sword and a dagger. He, arguably, has the best chance of doing anything, if we allow that maybe their brains were put through the same kind of VR training that World Marshal is guilty of doing to kids’ brains in-game, but as I said already, he’s also fresh out of conversion surgery. Your brain can be as conditioned for war as you please, it doesn’t do much good if you don’t know how your actual limbs work, which is something Revengeance’s plot never addresses. They have a bit of an excuse, because the brains in question are going into completely mechanical mainframes that will do the work for them, or the cyborgs are the kind who have already had time to adjust to their new bodies before the VR training, but these kids are neither of those.

So, ultimately, this RAY should be in a much better condition than it currently is.

The Metal Gear Ray tired to squish us but we avoided and and we climbed up his arms while slashing it it bits. I made a final slice that severed it. We dropped back to the ground as it stumpled back at it’s sever arm exploded.

Rook: Ripping off Raiden? For shame.

So long as they don’t chuck it through the air like Raiden does, I’m okay allowing them to have that one. I mean, I’ve already decided that anything that gets written after Armstrong forced them through conversion surgery didn’t actually happen on account of the fact that they’re not used to their new bodies, so what the hell, author, have your fun. There’s plenty more egregious things to nail you to a wall for.

The Metal Gear Ray fired more bullets but we used Ninja Run to deflect them.

Uh, the fact that it still has gun turrets at all means you’ve been doing something wrong, kid.

Madison did a Blade Mode that sliced the armor on it’s face to bits.

Gunny: Kind of like that one Spartan in 300 who carved his name into some poor Persian dude’s face?

Decidedly less brutal, but yeah, something like that.

The Metal Gear Ray’s health is now at 47.2%.

I dearly wish the author would stop giving us timestamps of the RAY’s current HP. I really don’t care how close to dead it is, the fact that it’s in a Revengeance fic means it’s already destined to be scrap metal, regardless of my arguments against it happening.

It jumped back as it tried to get us By using his tail but we avoided it. I slashed it’s legs as it roared. It fired another ray as we avoided Cassie slashed with her blade, while Madison used her swords, and i slashed a lot with both my blade, and my dagger. It roared as it slammed it’s tail. I avoided and ran up it as i sliced the tail up.

Rook: This shit’s making me dizzy.

Gunny: I’m a bit torn on whether the bullshit combat itself, or the pacing of this scene, is what’s keeping me from understanding what’s happening here.

It’s health is now at 6.9%. It tried to slam us down but we avoided and we all activated Blade Mode that sliced and diced it to bits as it health reduced to 0.0% and it disappeared. We landed as the Metal Gear Ray exploded.
(Theme ends)

Gunny: It disappeared before it exploded? You know, that’s not usually how that works.

Rook: In my experience, it explodes, but doesn’t really disappear, so much as rain down all over the place in smaller pieces than before.

If this RAY were an invention of Bifocals’, it might work like that. But then again, if it were an invention of Bifocals’, not only would those kids be dead, the entire complex would also be dead, and that RAY would probably just self destruct because it got bored.

Our helmets, and mask reverted back as my screen goes back to blue. “Bravo! Bravo!” We looked over and saw a cyborg with a metal arm. The screen shows his name is ‘Samuel Rodriguez’ another was with him. A big one named ‘Sundowner’ and Senator Armstrong is with them. “You three did good. The last one that do stuff like that at one of our Metal Gear Rays was Jack.

Oh man, Armstrong, are you coming down with a cold or something? You don’t sound so good, bro.

Rook: Being a dick is taxing work.

Gunny: It’s probably why Doc is so tired all the time.

[Well, pardon me for not taking any crap from you dumbfucks. -Doc]

How you three like to join the Desparado LLC. Together we will help you recover your memories.” Senator Armstrong said.

Aw, that’s adorable! Armstrong’s giving them the illusion of a choice with a beneficial outcome!

“What you girls think?” I ask them.

They probably think a lot more than you do, based on your grammar.

Gunny: Course, that could also be their brains still adjusting to being computerized, too.

They were this dumb before the conversion, Gunny, I don’t think that’s changing anytime soon.

Rook: Proving that some levels of stupid are simply incurable.

They shrugged saying they will join.

God forbid you actually show this, of course.

“We will do it.” I said as Senator Armstrong chuckles. “Okay. You three are known as the Winds of Balance, and are below the Winds of Destruction.”

Well, that seems fair. Their team name is thoroughly barf-worthy, they deserve to be lower ranked.

Senator Armstrong said. “Indeed. My name is Monsoon.” A guy with red and, black skin a red thing on his face that covers everying except his mouth said. A woman with cyber parts, and long Orange hair, walked up and said “And i am Mistral.”

O hai, Monsoon!

O hai, Mistral!

Monsoon and Mistral are the other two members of the Winds of Destruction.

Monsoon was born in Cambodia during Pol Pot’s genocide, and so has an extremely jaded view of humanity, in that he believes humans to be nothing more than greedy, murderous fuckfaces who exist for no other reason than to destroy each other. Unlike the other Winds, who were either involved with prior military or paramilitary organizations before recruitment, Monsoon was a gang member. Monsoon’s battle theme is “The Stains of Time,” which has some sweet guitar riffs, as you’ll see here:

Monsoon is a pretty unique member of the Winds – which isn’t really saying much, because they’re all unique, but he’s ever so slightly more so – in that his cyborg chassis was designed with magnetic control in mind. You might remember that the bio picture I posted of him here was also used in the early chapters of my forever unfinished DMC4 riff, which is indicative of Monsoon’s ability to magnetically detach and manipulate parts of his body at will, so long as his head is intact – that’s where the control center for his magnetic manipulation ability is located, after all. Plus, it’s also where his brain is, and he probably needs that to keep things in check, you know?

Monsoon’s magnet powers extend far beyond his own body, however. The guy can chuck anything from his two HF Sais, to military vehicles, to a massive ball of shit, to an OBELISK at you if he is so inclined. He might arguably be the most dangerous of the Winds simply due to his magnetic powers. Of course, you don’t really get a chance to find out the fullest extent of Monsoon’s powers, because he’s also the first and only Wind of Destruction that Raiden fights in his un-fucking-real Jack the Ripper persona, who is so fucking insane that he takes a sword through his gut, laughs, and orders Doktor to turn his pain inhibitors off so he can relish the feeling.

Needless to say, Monsoon kind of gets curbstomped. Many times. To death.

(I say that Monsoon is the “first and only” Wind of Destruction who gets wrecked by Jack the Ripper, because his is the only fight where you’re stuck in Jack the Ripper mode the whole time. Before that, he’s able to keep himself in check, and after that, it’s an ability you can activate for short periods of time.)

To add insult to injury, due to a few lines Monsoon says in game, he’s become the progenitor of the “Increase the Memes” meme. That can’t be good for his ego.

Finally, you get one guess what wind of destruction Monsoon was named after. If you somehow get it wrong, you’re gonna get a ball of tanks magnetically thrown at you.

Moving on, Mistral is the only female member of the Winds of Destruction, and you can tell that she’s a bit vain about her appearance, given that she has high heels, an hourglass physique, huge synthetic boobs and a defined posterior built into her cyborg chassis, in spite of the fact that they provide NO advantages of any sort. Her battle theme is “A Stranger I Remain,” which is the only song in the game sung by a female vocalist, as you’ll see here:

Mistral was French-Alegerian born in, well, Algeria, and was orphaned early into her life due to the Algerian Civil War in the 1990s. She eventually hunted down and, in her words, “butchered the fuckers,” and that was when she realized that she’s pretty damn good at killing shit, so she joined the French Foreign Legion, participating in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and accumulating a kill count into the double digits. Maybe higher than that, even. And then she got recruited by Armstrong and had a legit reason to kill shit for lulz, which was something she felt she was missing before.

On a scale of jerk to why-the-fuck-does-God-allow-you-to-live, Mistral lands squarely on Grade-A Sadistic Bitch. She takes a perverse glee in torturing Bladewolf (this is before Bladewolf gets rebuilt by Maverick), and in one of the two DLCs for Revengeance, she’s actually happy that one of her fellow Winds of Destruction gets his ass reamed BY Bladewolf, which comes as no surprise, because she orchestrated his murder (that would be Khamsin, whose codename translates to “desert storm.” And whaddya know, he was a participant in the military operation of the same name. He was the only cyborg of the Winds of Destruction who had no legs and piloted a fuck-huge mech suit with an even bigger rocket-powered chainsaw axe, and he lost to a bionic wolf whose primary function is stealth and assassination ops. Honestly, it’s probably good that Raiden never got a crack at him, his poor ego wouldn’t have been able to cope). Later on, when Raiden comes around, she makes it a point to mock him, and then gets really pissed when he subsequently hands her ass to her. I guess when you finally end up eating crow after so many years of getting away with copious amounts of bullshit in your career, it tends to make you a bit grumpy.

In spite of this, Mistral manages to be one of my favorite characters in-game. As a friendly reminder, I despise female antagonists who act like hot shit because they’re acutely aware of how good they are at what they do, and I have no good explanation for why that is. I should want Mistral dead above all else. I mean, I still DO, but not because I despise the air she breathes. It’s more because she’s a boss fight in a game about copious whoop-ass.

Rook: Maybe the fact that she’s a boss fight in a game about copious whoop-ass overrides your unreasonable hatred of snobby female antagonists?

Fuck if I know.

Anyhow, Mistral’s weapon of choice is her unique point: She uses a spear, but that spear is made out of the arms of Dwarf Gekkos.

*SCARE CHORDS INTENSIFY*

This is also the explanation for her million-arm backpack thing: Those are replacement arms in case her spear gets destroyed. The spear’s blades? HF knives. This means that Mistral has a potentially endless supply of weapons, so long as she has Dwarf Gekkos to dismember and HF knives on hand. And she even uses the self-destructing cores of the dismembered Dwarf Gekkos as explosive volleyballs against her opponents, to boot. As an added bonus, the Dwarf Gekko arms she uses for her spear seem to possess independent mobility in spite of the loss of their control center, so her spear is flexible enough to be used as a bladed whip if Mistral so chooses. An extendable one, if I’m not mistaken, however the hell that works.

Gunny: Like, how extendable?

Not long enough to rip you out of a sniper nest, if that’s what you’re worried about, but if you get within maybe a ten foot radius, you might be screwed.

Gunny: Oh, good. So, if our team ever squares off with an arm-spear-wielding cybitch, just be sure to stay like thirty feet away, good to know.

Rook: …The worst we’ve ever had to deal with regarding cyborgs were the operatives from Solaris and the Aegis Vanguard. They both prefer guns, stun batons and cloaking fields. Were you seriously stressing about the whip thing?

Gunny: I might have been.

…Right. Well, anyhow, that’s Monsoon and Mistral. Moving on!

“Names Sundowner kids. The captian of the Winds of Destruction.” Sundowner said.

Um, I wouldn’t say he’s the captain, given that the Winds of Destruction are a trio of three captains (Sundowner, Monsoon and Mistral), and two mercenary affiliates (Sam and Khamsin). However, he is regarded as the de facto leader of the group, so we could probably refer to him as, oh, commander, I suppose?

Rook: So, what would that make Armstrong?

Well, he commands the entire group, so he’s obviously the CIC.

Rook: The… huh?

Gunny: Stands for commander in chief, kiddo.

Rook: Jesus, either you need to cool it on the lingo, or I need to study it at a faster pace than I am.

“The captain of the Winds of Balance wil be…” Senator Armstrong paused as he thinks about it. “You.” Senator Armstrong said as he points at me. “Great choice sir.” Sam said impressed.

…Based on what qualifications?

I’m not surprised that the narrator protagonist got chosen, because again, freshman fic. You can see shit like this from a mile away. But what did Idiot McGee do to earn it? He’s demonstrated no aptitude for command, his combat skills are laughable, he’s got exactly the same level of experience as the other two on the battlefield (which is to say, none whatsoever), and he’s the middle child of the three. That’s not to say that there aren’t commanders in real life who are younger than the people they command, mind, but I feel like age would still factor into the consideration for promotion, just for safety’s sake. And in this case, given that the kid lacks everything else necessary to prove their mettle as command material, age should take precedence in the decision making, which means bow-girl should be in command, because she’s the oldest of the three.

And Sam supports this asinine decision?

Armstrong and Sam, are y’all high right now?

Rook: Like, I’m reasonably sure that the Captain is around the same age as Doc, give or take a couple of years, and Doc is, what, the second youngest member of the team? Because I’m definitely the youngest. But we all recognize the Captain as, well, the captain, because he’s been at this whole mercenary thing longer than all of us, and even if there’s one or two of us that could screw him over but good, he’d still have the majority of our asses in a fair fight.

Gunny: Well, that, and he went out of his way to hunt down and kill his old team for turning traitor on him. Doesn’t exactly scream, “go ahead and question my authority,” does it?

I think using Cobalt is kind of an unfair example. The guy’s one of the most dangerous people alive in your canon.

Gunny: Using anybody would be an unfair example, that’s how unfit for command this kid is.

Touche.

“Now then. Since you three are below the Winds of Destruction you three will work with them. You need codenames also.” Senator Armstrong said as he light a cigarette.

Oh man. Get ready for pain, folks.

Rook: I’ve been in pain since we started. Though that could also have been my old scar from that hostage incident acting up again. It kind of aches when the weather changes.

Gunny: Could that be considered some kind of arthritis?

She got shot in the gut, and the bullet came out her back. I don’t think either of those count as joints, so I’m pretty sure it’s not arthritis.

Anyhow, painful codenames incoming.

“I think captain Bailey

“I’m begging you, Shepard, please just kill me now.”

here can be named Stormshadow.” Monsoon suggested.

Ow. Monsoon is never allowed to suggest codenames ever again.

“Yes. The little kitten can be Windblade.” Sundowner said.

Rook: I think I just felt a blood vessel burst.

Sundowner is also not allowed to suggest codenames ever again.

“And the big one can be Firestorm.” Mistral said.

Gunny: That’s, like, the only normal sounding callsign.

Mistral is still okay to suggest codenames, but this is subject to change, depending on future behavior.

“Once again you make up better stuff than me Winds of Destruction.

Sam didn’t suggest anything because he’s biting the ever-loving fuck out of his cyborg arm to keep from laughing at how stupid everybody is.

Sundowner sill deploy you three on missions.

Rook: I can’t imagine beaning your operatives in the face with a window sill is an effective means of deploying them on missions.

I mean, have you seen how huge Sundowner is? I would not put it past him to smack you all the way to Abkhazia from Denver.

Gunny: “But I don’t wanna go on the suicide op!” “YOU’RE GOING ON THE GOD DAMN SUICIDE OP!” And then he bitch-slaps them through the roof with a lovely stained glass piece, coincidentally depicting him bitch-slapping them through the roof with a window.

We need to stop this madness before it becomes window bitch-slap-ception.

Monsoon can train you three anytime you want.

*Monsoon* “Why am I the bitch-trainer?!”

*Armstrong* “Mouth off again, and you’ll just be the bitch!”

And Mistral is your supervisor, and can repair any of your damage equipment.

Rook: You know that’s what the arsenal personnel do, and not the supervisors, right?

Gunny: Although, Commander Margot did fix my scope for me on a whim at one point…

Got it?” Senator Armstrong ask.
We nodded and he said “Good. I’ll help you anytime i can.”

HAAAHAHAHAHA THAT IS SUCH A LIE

For the next three weeks we have done excellent progress and we beated Monsoon a couple of times.

The dumbfuck was probably using Rules of Nature instead of his proper battle theme, no wonder he kept losing.

Gunny: Protip for aspiring major antagonists: If you wanna rip someone’s asshole apart, use your boss theme. It’s proven to boost your awesomeness by a factor of ten.

[Medically proven thesis, 100% legit. -Doc]

What surprised us is that he can splitted his body up to avoid fatel strikes.

Rook: Psh, any pushover can dodge a fatel strike, that ain’t impressive. Fatal strikes are a whole other issue, though.

Impressive i’ll say that.

Rook: Bitch, did you not hear what I just said?

My next mission changed the next thing.

God damn it, someone set a butterfly effect in motion.

Gunny: Okay, so which one of us is gonna fall through the floor, then?

*The floor caves in under SC’s chair*

Meeeeeeeee!

*A loud crash and startled Japanese sound off from the hole in the floor; Rook and Gunny peer through curiously*

Ow. Oh, by the way, the ninjas were making dango. Or trying to. They’re covered in butter.

Rook: Pretty sure that’s not how you make dango.

Ninja: What lies are these?!

Be sure to review!

Rook: I didn’t like it.

Gunny: It was too spicy.

Rook: Wasn’t even cooked all the way through.

Gunny: We’d better get comped for this.

Chapter 2: Joining Raiden!

Rook: Aren’t you his enemies, now?

Gunny: Maybe they meant “joining Raiden’s kill count?”

*SC stumbles back into the riffing chamber*

Ugh. Speaking of kill counts, those fucking stairs are gonna murder someone one of these days. Probably me, at this rate.

Rook: Oh hey, you’re back.

I don’t own the Metal Gear series except the Ocs.

And they don’t count, because they’re not canon to Metal Gear.

At a location.

Gunny: Wow. Real informative, buddy.

Rook: I remember location! I went there in my school year for holiday celebration! It was positive emotion!

Rook, I have three guns, and I will shoot you with all of them if you ever do that again.

Rook: Like I give a shit. I already took a bullet once, come at me, bro.

We are at the next location of our next mission: Abkhazia with a robot with us.

Funny, I don’t remember seeing any Abkhazia-With-A-Robot-With-Us on the map.

Gunny: Must be one of those sovereign micronations or something. Like the Republic of Molossia.

The fact that it took my laptop ten seconds to realize that “Molossia” isn’t a word recognized by the English dictionary is really distressing.

An IF Prototype named LQ-84I. A robot wolf with blades around him with a Chainsaw as his main weapon

Almost like he’s some kind of bladed wolf or something.

Rook: I think you’re just making that up.

and Madison and him happen to be pals.

Unless Madison looks like this and renamed herself “Sunny Emmerich,” I don’t fucking believe you.

Mistral told him i am in-charge and he followed without question.

Wait wait wait, Mistral let someone else take command? Now, that just doesn’t sound like her at all.

Gunny: Pretty screwball job of supervising she’s doing. “Eh, you give the orders, I’ma go get a mimosa.”

We never even ask why he joined us.

Not like they would have told you anyhow. Mistral would’ve probably just had a Dwarf Gekko backhand you for speaking out of turn.

But when we were half-way Madison called Mistral and ask her why he’s joining us.

And out of nowhere, a flaming Dwarf Gekko flew at Madison and backhanded her in the face.

Rook: This is why we don’t tempt Mistral.

She replied by saying he killed one of Desperado’s strongest men named Khamsin aka the desert storm a few days ago.
I’ll just call him good since he manage to override Khamsin.

You’ve never even met the fucker, and never will. You have no basis for this evaluation.

Also, Mistral would sooner ram her spear up her bionic ass than ever call Khamsin “one of Desperado’s strongest men.” She casually insults his dead ass in conversation.

By the way, here’s Khamsin. There is an actual image of the guy, but there was no way I could look at this and NOT use it.

I kinda already explained the deal with Khamsin, so there’s not much to talk about. He has one of my favorite battle themes, though, “The Hot Wind Blowing,” which I think you’ll recall blasted Cook right out of his seat back in part one.

Gunny: I thought Cook looked a little bit woozy afterwards…

Cassie left to find Mistral a few minutes after the mission.

Whoa whoa whoa, back up, we’re just gonna skip right past the actual mission? Bro, what the fuck?

Rook: There was a mission here. It’s gone now.

I dismissed her and we just sit around doing nothing.

So wait.

You.

Have the balls.

To dismiss Mistral.

…And she let you live?

Gunny: I think Mistral has the flu or something, she isn’t acting right.

Rook: I feel like the author meant that Madison was dismissed, but I like the idea that these shitheads stepped so far out of line as to assume they could dismiss a commanding officer. Especially considering that she’s probably ripped idiots apart for lesser slights.

I went to one of the cyborgs but one of them called me and yelled “Winds of Balance! Hah hah hah Request full response!”

Rook: Even the rest of Desperado knows how dumb your team name is.

Desperado AND World Marshal, remember. They’re in cahoots.

Rook: Oh, well, that’s even worse for them, then.

“Calm down solider! What is it?” I ask him. “S-S-Some Cyborg came here and is killing everyone! And he is closer to your- ARGH!” He screamed in pain as the signal went off.

Okay, that whole thing shouldn’t have happened, because that cyborg freaking out and feeling pain means that someone forgot to turn his pain and emotional inhibitors on.

“Stormshadow what are your orders?” LQ-84I ask me in his robot voice as his head glows red as he speaks.

Hey look! It’s Lyle’s favorite format!

“Wolf, Windblade stay here and wait for Firestorm with Mistral. I’m gonna hunt this cyborg down.” I ordered. “Are you sure Stormshadow? This cyborg might kill you if you don’t get any help.” Madison said. “Yes i’m sure Windblade. Wolf make sure she doesn’t go after this cyborg on her own.” I ordered.
“Understood. Wolf said. “And when Firestorm, and Mistral get’s here look for me and we can finish him off. But if he kills me and reached near our base make sure you stop him.” I added. “Yes sir.” Madison said. “Understood.” Wolf repeated as he sits down. I ran out if there as my ‘Battle Mode’ is activated.

Gunny: And then he died, the end.

That’s a good way to get hit by a cattle prod around these parts.

But for the sake of making it in on time, I think I actually will go ahead and call it here. Means I have the entire rest of chapter two and however much of chapter three to riff next week, which is sad because I thought I’d be closer to done by this point, but hey, shit happens.

Anyhow, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! This is probably going to be a pretty shitty boss fight in the next part, which means that I’ll be rejecting it hardcore, because fuck this fic’s canon. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sergeant Dot “Gunny” Jackson and Georgia “Rook” Clarence, I’ll see you next time!

…Give me back my wallet, Rook.

Rook: I don’t have your wallet.

Gunny: It’s in her right pocket.

Rook: Fuck you selling me out for, bro?!

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