1433: My Bleeding Crimson Despair – Chapter 1Posted: June 3, 2016
Hello, dear Patrons!
I’ve found something a little different – and by “different” I mean “uses nearly every badfic cliché in the book.” It’s from one of the Town Bicycles of fanfics, the Harry Potter series. It’s also very likely that it is meant to be a parody of My Immortal, so you know you’re in for a treat.
Let’s take a peek at the summary, shall we?
Harry Potter’s adopted daughter comes to Hogwarts expecting another normal year. But Voldemort has returned, along with death, pregnancy, and unwanted romance! What will she and her friends do?
An OC tangently tied to the main protagonist who will likely have the same experiences as said protagonist only more awesome/tragek?
I smell a Sue a-brewin’.
Hi, my name is Caitlin! Um, I really love Harry Potter,
If you’re writing a fanfic, I would really hope you’re a fan of the series you’re writing about.
and this is my first fic ever, so be nice, k? LOL.
Oh, this is gonna hurt.
Just know that this is in the future, when Harry’s all grown up. Well, not too grown up. The first section is when he’s 19, so the rest is when he’s 28.
There are better ways to establish a character’s age than using an Author’s Note, this is really information that belongs in the narration. And what is defined as a section? The first paragraph? The first chapter? What?
So, I hope you like it! Review!
Remember, you asked for it.
Chapter One: Ebony Agony of a Broken Dream
That’s the chapter title? Oh, damn; this is really gonna hurt.
All was dark on Lilly Lane. The only light came from the full moon—and a large house at the end of the street.
So…Not really all that dark? A full moon is about as bright as you can get at night without artificial enhancements.
616 Lilly Lane had one lamp glowing on the third story (Ginny likes to read at night!1).
Please tell me this isn’t going to be one of those fics that has chatty little Author’s Notes scattered like annoying confetti throughout the fic.
It was toward this light that a lost little girl was walking…
Lost and lonely,
Searching for an answer
Parting the misty veils of confusion
To see the light of pain…
That’s either poetry or song lyrics, so let’s take a quick Google break…
I can’t find a song with these words, in fact the first search return is this fic and the second is a reference to this fic in an “Awesomely Bad fanfics” thread on a HP fanfic forum, so I can safely assume it’s an original work. If this is a parody, then the author is doing an excellent job capturing the essence of the sort of overblown and angst-ridden stuff you’d expect from a young female fanfic author.
She stumbled in the slick rain, grabbing at the mailbox of another house for balance. “Sorry, mailbox,” she whispered, “but I have to stand tall.” She levered herself back up and resumed her painful struggle…
:consults Emo Meter:
I don’t like the looks of these numbers. She’s getting dangerously wangsty and we’re barely a paragraph in.
It burns my eyes
To see the truth
“Why? Why? WHY?”
I scream with no noise…
Oya, more poetry. I hope this doesn’t wind up being a recurring thing.
When she reached the house, the girl collapsed against the door. With an agonized groan, she gripped the doorknocker and…knocked…
The only light on in the house was way up on the third floor so if she’s in as bad a shape as she appears to be then she’s not going to be able to make enough noise for anyone to hear her.
But nobody hears my fear
Ebony agony of a broken dream
Cut off from society
A stranger with no name…
:Rainy Sue grabs the Emoting Stick and begins beating the audience over the head:
“FEEL! BAD! FOR! MEEEE!”
The door opened.
:sigh: Where there’s a Sue, there’s a way.
Harry Potter (OMG HARRY!) stuck his head out.
Oh, gods; this is going to be one of those fics.
“Who is it?” he asked. The girl could not answer, for she had already fainted from exhaustion.
Of course she did. Now Harry has a reason to pick her up and carry her bridal style.
Harry could tell that she was an orphan (How? He’s Harry, duh!).
I’m not as well-versed in the Potter’verse canon as our lovely AR, but I seriously doubt Harry Potter has some kind of orphan-sensing ability. You can’t really tell someone’s familial status at a glance.
He knew what it was like to be unwanted. He and Ginny had found out from the doctor last week that they would never have a child.
What do those two sentences have to do with each other? Harry does have a past history of neglect when he lived with the Dursleys, but that shouldn’t have any bearing on his and/or Ginny’s current infertility.
And why are they even concerned about their fertility at this point? According to the Author’s Note at the beginning, Harry is only nineteen so Ginny would be eighteen and newly graduated from Hogwarts – exactly how long have they been married and trying to have a baby? They must have been at it for a while if they became concerned enough to go to a doctor to check their fertility.
This girl could be the answer to their prayers.
Of course she is. And wow – the author erased all of Harry and Ginny’s children so she could have them (or possibly just him) to herself.
He bent to pick up the limp body.
As he cradled her in his arms, Harry whispered, “You shall be my daughter. And your name shall be…Kaytlynn…”
Her name is exactly the same as the author’s, only with a more “exotic” spelling. If I needed any more proof that she was a Sue, that would do it.
As I’ve repeatedly proven in previous riffs for other fics, you cannot adopt a person the same way you can adopt a stray kitten. In fact, this is exactly how I adopted one of my cats; she just showed up on my porch one day, weak and malnourished and covered in fleas. If your character shares the same origin story as a small tabby cat, you might want to re-think your approach.
And in the shadow of my heart
A stabbing, burning torture
Always hurts my secret soul…
My Bleeding Crimson Despair…
… Did the author write a poem about her period and then build the entire fic around it? Because that’s kind of what it looks like to me.
9 years later
I normally don’t care for time-skips, but anything to get through this fic faster.
On another day, Harry would have gone flying or walked the dog.
Or walked his flying dog.
Instead, he was getting into his car, trying to prepare for the next year of teaching at Hogwarts (I toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooottally LOVE Hogwarts!).
I’m kind of hoping this turns out to be the work of a troll, but so far the fic hasn’t had that obnoxiously offensive vibe most trollfics have. It has given me flashbacks to Insult ob da Innocints of DAmnatashun so it likely is a parody. I’m going to keep going as if it’s a real fic, though.
The phrase “any other day” implies that Harry is going to do something that he wouldn’t normally do – but if he’s a returning professor at Hogwarts, then he’s done this at least once before. And he really shouldn’t wait until he’s getting into the car to drive to school to prepare for class. Harry’s going to get into an accident if he keeps that up.
He threw his bags into the trunk of his black sports car (BTW, it has all white leather interior! Soooooooo sexy!1)
Does the color of the interior matter? Include it in the narration. You know what doesn’t matter? How sexy you think the upholstery is!
and brushed back some raven strands of hair from his sparkling emerald eyes.
Gee, I wonder which character the author likes?
Years of playing Quidditch on the side had made his body rock-hard toned (but not creepy-buff, like Arnold Schwarzenegger. EWW!).
No! Bad author! :spritzes author with water bottle: We keep our personal opinions to ourselves!
Years ago, he had considered switching his geeky glasses for contacts, but the media had discouraged any image changes.
And of course Harry cares very deeply about what the media thinks.
Dude, did you even read Goblet of Fire? The name “Rita Skeeter” ring any bells?
Despite the glasses, his wife, Ginny, loved him dearly.
Wait, what? She loves him even though he has glasses, which are apparently a massive personal flaw?
Congratulations, author. In one sentence, or collection of Shatnerized sentence fragments, you managed to turn Ginny into a shallow bitch.
He felt bad, taking their daughter to Hogwarts and leaving Ginny alone for the whole school year, but she said that she didn’t mind.
He’s not going to be gone for the entire year, is he? If they live close enough that he can drive there he may be able to come home on the weekends, or at least during the holidays.
She was fussing over his tie, her apron crisp and white, her fiery locks sparkling in the morning sun.
That starched apron come with a cocktail dress and a string of pearls?
He kissed her freckled cheeks and murmured, “Goodbye, love. I’ll see you next summer. Maybe we can get away for Christmas.”
“Oh, Harry,” she replied. “It doesn’t matter to me. As long as you’re happy.”
Typically if you have to work over a holiday it isn’t because you want to but because your boss wants you to. Students have the option of staying at Hogwarts over the winter break, but teachers are another story. It’s likely the headmaster or headmistress would ask for volunteers, but if no one steps forward then they would select a number to stay as chaperones.
His loving gaze was interrupted by the arrival of their daughter. Although his wife was beautiful, Harry knew that Kaytlynn was far more attractive.
… That got really, really creepy really, really fast.
This was partly because she was a Metamorphmagus—although (of course)
she was naturally gorgeous.
Of course she’s a rare Metamorphmagus as well as being naturally beautiful! The Sue Force demands it!
Although if she’s a Metamorphmagus, wouldn’t she be able to alter her physical appearance at will? She could naturally be as homely as an old tree stump and no one would ever know it.
They had decided that it would be best if she looked at least a little like her adopted parents, so Kaytlynn had chosen to assume a form that was closer to Harry’s.
So “a little like her adopted parents” translates into “a fantasy female version of Harry Potter” right?
Her ebony tresses flowed down to her waist in gentle ringlets, framing her delicate face perfectly.
I have waist-length curly hair and the only way it could ever stay in perfect ringlets would be if I had magical powers or a huge bottle of hair gel. Long flowing hair might sound like awesomesauce, but it’s a bitch and a half to maintain. That would actually make her look more like Harry, since his unruly hair is repeatedly referenced throughout the series.
She had a beautiful mouth with full lips, and a slim, straight nose.
:sneezes: The stink of wish-fulfillment is getting stronger and stronger.
She was wearing a short skirt that revealed her long, perfect legs, high-heeled sandals, and a black top that was low-cut enough to make her parents uncomfortable.
I’m going to need a respirator if this keeps up.
The narration doesn’t state how old Kayt-Sue is, but it does kind of give the impression that this is her first year at Hogwarts. That would make her eleven years old. I can’t speak for everyone, but if I had an eleven-year-old daughter she would not be wearing clothes that made me uncomfortable because I would not buy them for her.
It’s possible that she’s older, the previous “stumbling through the rain” scene didn’t give her age but she was acting much older than two, but it’s equally as possible that the author is going to ignore little things like age-appropriate behaviors and appearances for their characters.
Her emerald eyes sparkled with joy (Pay attention to her eyes through the story. It’s so cool!).
Let me guess – her eyes change color based upon her moods just like Tonks’ hair did in the original series?
In short, she was prettier than a supermodel. Kaytlynn wore no makeup—she didn’t need makeup.
First off, no one, not even supermodels, looks like a supermodel without lots of makeup and the occasional bit of surgery and/or Photoshop. Kayt-Sue may be able to replicate the “look” of a supermodel, but it could only be achieved through the magic of her Metamorphmagus abilities. It certainly wouldn’t look anything close to natural, but it isn’t meant to – the look of a supermodel is a purely artificial creation, a fantasy. That said, there are women who are naturally beautiful without any help from the cosmetics counter. (Our own Lyle is cute as a button and knows next to nothing about makeup.) That’s actually the look that many women, myself included, are going for – if it’s obvious that I’m wearing makeup, then I’ve done it wrong.
“Are you ready to go?” Harry asked, ripping his eyes away from his exquisite daughter.
This just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I know he’s her adopted father, but he’s still her father.
She nodded, said a quick farewell to Ginny, and slid into the car.
That was rather cold. These two aren’t going to see each other for weeks, possibly months. They could at least shake hands or something.
They drove down to the end of the street, where Harry had to pause for a stop sign.
You should stop for a stop sign – that’s why they’re called that.
The sight of the red stop sign next to the green street sign, combined with his mother’s name (remember, they live on Lilly Lane!),
Yes, I caught that. Very subtle, author.
made Harry’s eyes fog with tears. Tears for what he had never known: a mother’s love…
He may not have any memories of his own mother, but Molly Weasley did a pretty good job of mothering him after Harry became friends with Ron. Do you really expect me to believe that she stopped all of that after Harry married her only daughter?
If just the sight of these signs causes Harry to sob uncontrollably, why would he buy a house on this street? He must break down completely when he gets his mail.
“Dad, are you all right?” Kaytlynn asked. She wrinkled her forehead in concern, her eyes changing to sad, sorrowful sapphire.
Called it. And her eyes went from emerald to sapphire? Looks like we have another character suffering from Gemstone Eye Syndrome.
“I’m…I’m fine,” Harry choked out. “I just wish that you could have known your grandmother.”
Dude, suck it up. You didn’t even know her. And what about Molly? Kayt-Sue has more than one grandmother, you know.
Kaytlynn nodded sagely. “I see.”
With all the wisdom and dignity a probably-eleven-year-old girl can muster.
She opened her mouth and sang in clear tones:
The gods hate me.
“Why do we lose the ones we love?
Only to see them as angels
Glowing with celestial light
The bright dawn of love.”
Are those meant to be song lyrics? Because there is some whack-ass scansion going on there. I think this is more of the author’s original work, but I’m going to do a quick search to make sure.
Nope, can’t find anything. Must be original, or from some obscure hipster band no one has ever heard of.
Harry wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and whispered, “That was beautiful. Thank you, Kaytlynn.”
That’s all it takes to calm him down, five seconds of singing? It wasn’t even that good!
“Anything for you, father,” she murmured back.
Please don’t mean that literally.
Over the past nine years, she had grown into a wonderfully caring fifteen-year-old.
Finally, an age for the Sue!
It’s not eleven, but I personally think fifteen is too young to be dressing the way she’s supposed to be dressed.
Harry almost wished…but no. He could never think that.
:crosses more fingers:
Please, please, PLEASE don’t be thinking what I think you’re thinking!
(Hey guys, if the plot’s getting too weird for you, just tell me in the reviews, k? Believe me, it gets WAY better!)
Oh, you’ve gone way past weird. THAT’S HIS FRICKIN’ DAUGHTER, DUMBASS!
“So, you’re taking your OWLs this year,” Harry said, trying to change the subject. “Are you nervous?”
A normal person would be, but since this is a raging Sue she’s not going to be worried at all.
“Of course not!” Kaytlynn replied.
Called it. This is getting ridiculous, even for a parody fic. Try to surprise me, author.
It was true; Kaytlynn had nothing to worry about when it came to school. All of her professors loved her. Even Snape!
Great, another Zombie Snape. I love the character, but can’t these badfic authors just let him rest?
“Oh, Kaytlynn, you’re the best daughter ever,” Harry sighed.
I’m seriously questioning your judgment, Harry.
Yay, a time-skip!
A few hours later, Kaytlynn was on the Hogwarts Express.
Harry drove them to King’s Cross Station and then got on the train? Did he just leave that fancy sports car in a parking deck for the entire school year? It is highly unlikely that it will still be there when they get back.
If they were going to Hogswarts by train, why did they take the car in the first place? There are tons of places in Diagon Alley that they could use Floo Powder to get to and then Harry would still have a car at the end of the school year.
Her dad had left her alone to go talk to her friends. She was in a compartment with her fellow Gryffindors, Ian and Chuck.
Am I supposed to know who these people are?
Although Ian and Chuck were twin brothers (and Ron and Hermione’s kids!), they were very different.
I know Ron and Hermione have kids, but I’m fairly positive they don’t have twins named Chuck and Ian.
Ian had curly red hair and a thin, snooty face, with blue eyes that peered out from behind glasses. He was very tall and always had to be right about everything. Meanwhile, Chuck was short and round-faced, with wide brown eyes and crazily frizzed brown hair. He wasn’t very smart, but his heart was in the right place.
I’m assuming that they are fraternal twins rather than identical ones. If the author follows the badfic formula, one boy will be an annoying/insufferably smartypants male version of Hermione while the other will be an annoying/borderline insane version of Ron.
“So, what did you do during the summer?” Kaytlynn asked the boys.
“Well, I memorized the dictionary,” Ian replied. He smiled smugly. “Page 164: Giraffe to Girlish.”
That certainly sounds impressive, if completely pointless, but I wanted to see exactly how impressive it would be. Time for some math!
The Oxford English Dictionary’s second edition has twenty volumes containing 291,500 entries on 21,730 pages – that averages out to approximately thirteen definitions per page. Not that impressive, I go through more vocabulary words than that in a week, but the OED is a very verbose work. Let’s try something a bit more condensed; the Concise Oxford English Dictionary, which contains over 240,000 entries and 1,728 pages. That averages out to … :does math: 138.88 words per page. That fits the range given a bit better than the thirteen would, but wouldn’t be impossible if he had a few months to study.
Still not quite sure why he would want to do such a thing, though.
“And you, Chuck?” Kaytlynn continued.
“Potato!” Chuck yelled. His grin was crazed, showing his two buck teeth.
Called it again.
Ian cleared his throat and translated, “What he means to say is ‘I helped Ian’. And what did you do, Kaytlynn?”
He didn’t do a very good job of helping, “potato” doesn’t even start with a “g”. And how do you help someone memorize a dictionary page? Does it involve flash cards?
I guess this is meant to establish that Ian is a brainiac like Hermione and Chuck is a bit of a goof-off like Ron, but the characterizations are so far into the extremes that they aren’t funny. They’re just irritating.
“I had…dreams…” Her eyes became distant and silvery with remembrance.
I know teenagers like to sleep a lot, but that was all she did all summer long? Damn, she be lazy.
It was hard to recall the dreams, but they were on the very edge of her mind. Images were just in her reach: a butterfly falling to the ground, a pumpkin field drying up, a comet falling.
That’s more than most people remember from their dreams, especially if it’s been a while.
She shook her head and said, “And I wrote some songs.”
Oh, fuckballs. More song lyrics.
“Jello!” Chuck screamed.
…Is this going to be his thing now? Because he wouldn’t last a day before someone would slap him across the face.
“Sounds great,” Ian translated. His eyes flickered over Kaytlynn’s body when she turned to go through her bag in search of the songs.
Dude, don’t be that guy. No one likes that guy.
He had loved her ever since he had first met her. If only he knew how to tell her his feelings…
Of course he loves her, they probably both do. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone at Hogwarts has a deep and enduring love for the flawless Kayt-Sue regardless of whether or not they are physically attracted to cis/females.
“Anyway, I’m writing them all in this notebook,” Kaytlynn said, turning back to them.
:crosses all the fingers:
Please don’t sing, please don’t sing, please don’t sing…
As she started to flip through, she said, “You know, I have a feeling about this year. Somehow, I have a feeling that things are going to be more exciting than ever.”
That doesn’t really tell the audience much – this is the first time we’ve met this character, so there is no way of knowing how “exciting” her past four years of school have been. I mean, so far she has exactly two friends; one :points to Ian: spent the summer memorizing a page out of the dictionary and the other :points to Chuck: helped. If that’s what they do for fun, what do they consider “exciting?” Watching mayonnaise spoil?
The series does get gradually darker from book to book as it progresses, but fanfics like this usually like to ramp it up to eleven as quickly as possible so we shouldn’t have long to wait before things get “exciting.”
It wouldn’t be until later that Kaytlynn realized just how right she was…
Of course she is – she’s a Sue. She could claim the sun rises in the north and somehow she’d be right.