1319: Megaman and the Dark RobotMasters – Oneshot

Title: Megaman and the Dark RobotMasters
Author: pamr3001
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mega Man
Genre: Humor/Supernatural
URL: Megaman and the Dark RobotMasters
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Well, it’s really amazing that we’ve gone this long without me doing a Mega Man fic.  See, I’m an unabashed Mega Man fanboy, and I have been since the age of around eight.  I’ve played all the “main” Mega Man games (Mega Man 1-10), the X series up through 6 (I stopped there since, 6 and beyond, the series takes a massive nose-dive with the departure of Keiji Inafune, who left because the games were supposed to stop with X5), and a handful of the BattleNetwork games which I could never really get into.  I’m also a massive, massive fan of the under-appreciated Mega Man Legends series.  There are a bunch more spin-off series out there which I haven’t played much of: Mega Man Zero, ZX, and Starforce, but a lot of those suffer increasingly from what I call Konami syndrome.  And of those, Zero and ZX don’t even feature Mega Man in them, so I have no idea why the name is there, other than to sell copies of the game, which goes back to having Konami syndrome.

Now the reason I bring all that up is so I can talk about the Mega Man multiverse.  See, there are three distinct universes in the Mega Man multiverse.  There’s the standard universe where Mega Man, X, Zero, and ZX take place (each in their own respective time periods), there’s the Battle Network universe where the Battlenetwork and StarForce games take place, and then there’s the RUSH universe where the Legends games take place.  Aside from non-canon cameos and crossover appearances, these three universes DO. NOT. MIX.  So, it’s a bit of a sticking point with those of us in the fandom that FF.net only has one, ONE! category: Mega Man.  This one categories covers all three universes and includes all seven game series.  It makes it a mess to try to find something from the series you want to read about.  The only way to tell them apart is to look at which character(s) they’re using.  Specifically, which of the five Mega Mans it features: Mega Man, Mega Man X, Mega Man Volnut/Trigger , Mega Man.EXE, or Star Force Mega Man.

So, today I’m bringing you a fic featuring Mega Man Trigger.  I know that because, on the info line of the fic, it lists him as the character featured.  Mega Man Trigger, also known as Mega Man Volnut, is the main character of the Mega Man Legends series, which was a series of two games, and one spin-off game, for the PS1.  It’s an excellent pair of games and I highly recommend giving them a play.  Legends is actually what I would call the first really good 3D metroidvania game.  It stays very true to the genre with lots of dungeon exploring, areas that are locked on the first visit that you go back for, secret rooms, collectibles, equipment and character improvements, as well as some plot in there that isn’t really fantastic, but is enough to sate any need for story.  One of the neater elements of the first game is that all the different ruins you explore in the game turn out to be entirely interconnected via secret passages and false walls that you can blow up.  The first game can be acquired on the Playstation Store and I’ve heard rumors that the second should be showing up there before too much longer.  But, if you’ve got a PS3 capable of playing PS1 games (which is a fair number of them) you can also snag used copies of the discs for just a couple of bucks.  Otherwise, well, I trust you know how to get your hands on PS1 game if you really want to.

Anyway, the canon of Mega Man Legends doesn’t actually matter here.  And we’ll get to why in just a bit.

But, as always let’s start with the summary.  Not as good as last week’s summary, but it’s still a hot one:

Well, i’m trying to make a romance\fighting fanfic So if you like it, tell me

This is one of those summaries that you know right away will lead to a fic you can riff.  There’s really nothing good about that summary.  It’s not a summary, the grammar is really bad, and it’s begging for reviews.  Not to mention the genre listed here doesn’t agree with the ones that are actually tagged on the fic.  That, right there, is another White-Hot Mess™.

And it pretty much goes downhill from here.

pamr3001: So this is my first fanfic, i hope you like. This my friend Sonia.

Oooooh crap, it’s one of these author’s notes.  Why do authors think these are a good idea!?

Also, who the crap is Sonia?  There isn’t a Sonia in Mega Man Legends.  The only way there’d be a Sonia is if the author-

Oh.

Well… shit.

Sonia: Hello i am Sonia, i am a robot with pink hair and i am a girl and i have a secret wich i will tell now.

*Blink blink*

*Reaches up to the top shelf, pulls down his bottle of whiskey, pulls the stopper, and fills his glass*

Really, I should just save time and pour out a line of shots before I riff something.

pamr3001: oh okay disclamer: I DONT OWN MEGAMAN EXCEPT SONIA!

Fuck, I was right.  A Mega Man one-shot wouldn’t be complete without an OC.  And who wants to be it’s an insert?

Which is going to be weird given that there’s already a love triangle between Tron, Mega Man, and Roll.  Sorta.  It’s juvenile anime romance, but it’s there.

Chapter 1 The new adventure in the Dark

*Takes a deep swig of Whiskey*

I really don’t think that means what you think it means author.  I promised Swenia I wouldn’t do any smut without her here to help; don’t make a liar out of me.

One day, at gutsman area (we are at megaman 1, just to say)

…

*Takes an unsteady drink*

Authors, if you have no idea who the character is that you’re attaching to your fic description.  Don’t.  Fucking. Attach him.  Mega Man Trigger is NOT regular Mega Man.  He is not the same in the way that The Rock is not Rock Man.  How, author, do you fuck up something so gods-dammed simple!?

So, now that we’re past the author’s inability to accurately depict who is actually appearing in their own work, let’s talk about Mega Man.

Mega Man, also known as Rock Man in Japan, is an android created by Dr. Light in the year 200x (Thank you 80’s era video games for that little trope).  Originally, he’s created for peaceful purposes, but, due to the evil machinations of Dr. Wily, he has to take up the role of a protector.  So, Dr. Light equips him with an arm cannon that shoots bullets of charged plasma, and a suit of blue armor.  And with that, the first game of Mega Man is pretty well laid out.  In the 80’s we really didn’t need much plot to get into a game; it was a much different time.  Anyway, here’s our hero:

Also of importance, Mega Man has a sister, Roll, who was created shortly after he was to serve as Dr. Light’s assistant.

While we’re at it, Gutsman is one of the six evil robots dispatched by Dr. Wily in the first game.  Like all the bosses in the mega man games, he hides out at the end of a platforming stage designed around his theme.

If you guessed “Luchador” as the theme, well, you’re not exactly wrong, but the theme is actually supposed to be mining.

Allright, with that all out of the way, let’s get back into this thing!

One day, at gutsman area (we are at megaman 1, just to say) Megaman, the blue robot shoter, was crossing the zone to defeat Gutsman.

I have a feeling I’m going to see a fight scene worse than what I was getting in Eighth Spirit.

Megaman: TAKE THIS!

Oh, thanks.  I needed a new thing.  We’ll just put that where the old thing used to go.

*Puts the thing next to the stuff*

Megaman shoted a charged shot at a semiboss.

Semiboss?  That’s a new one.  I mean, sure, by Latin roots it technically means the same thing as like a mini or mid boss, but it’s not really a word.

Enemy: ARRRRRRGHHH!

Orf!

And then, he found the gate.

The enemy?  But he just got shoted with a charged shot!

*ALARM BLARES*

Oh c’mon!  The fic did it first!

*Agent DRD Agent Smithforge charges in*

“That is about enough of that, which is enough!”

Might as well take a seat, buddy, I have a feeling you won’t be getting out of here by quitting time.

“But I think I’m supposed to throttle and pummel you.”

*Taco slides a glass across the Suddenly There™ table*

I can’t pour refills if I’m pummeled.

“Such a shame that I had to search the whole building but couldn’t seen to find the target because he couldn’t be found.”

That’s the spirit.

Megaman: Okay time to beat gutsman.
He crossed the gate and saw gutsman waiting for him.

“So, what, we’re reading a script or a play?”

Nope.  This is a short story!

…

“My drink needs a refill with more drink.”

Do you guys always talk like that?

“Actually, no.  It takes a lot more effort than you’d imagine to keep it up.”

Gutsman: DIE MEGAMAN!

“Der.”

What?

“The correct German article for Megaman is der because he’s a male robot boy.  It should read ‘DER MEGAMAN!'”

Ah, right, how silly of me.

Gutsman throwed a rock at him, but missed.
Megaman: TAKE THIS!

Oh, why thank you.  It’ll look so lovely next to the other one.

*Puts the thing next to the other thing next to the stuff*

*ALARM BLARES*

Oh, c’mon!  That barely counts!  At least it wasn’t:

He hitted him and gutsman was hit.

*ALARM BLARES LOUDER*

*Smithforge picks up his radio*

“I see him!  He’s swimming toward the bottom of the shark-jump tank!”

Uhh, are you sure you want to send your co-workers in there?

“They’ll be fine.  Now…” *Rattles his glass*

You’re lucky I already finished off the floor varnish.

Gutsman: GRRRRRRR!
Gutsman was so pissed that he did a hamer smash (if it says a attack that doesn’t appear in the game, imagine that he can do that).

How do I even begin to make fun of something so completely, laughably awful like that?

“I see this is listed as a work of humor.  Maybe this part is the funny part?”

That possibility makes me sad.

Megaman: WOW!

HE DID THE THING!

Megaman doged it and used a bigger shot and it hit Gutsman.

“Excuse me, sir, but how do you dog a hamer?”

Well, you need a sled team and some glue…

Gutsman: THAT’S IT *FRUSTADED* DIE YOU LITTLE BASTARD.

“Der.”

We get it, dude.

Gutsman used a rock canon and charged it. He hitted Megaman.

Okay, while the hamer smash may or may not be a thing depending on how you view the fight, Gutsman definitely does not have a rock canon.  In canon, he’s an evil construction worker that uses rocks, not a rock himself.

Megaman: Dammit! (thoughts: One more shot and i will die.)

“Not very durable is he?”

Not sure you guys can talk.  You die like five or six times a day.

“Eight or nine during tax season.”

Wha?

“Everything needing to be filed in triplicate three times each.”

You see, in this fic he has only one life, if he died once he will never be back.

*ALARM BLARES*

*Grabs his radio* “He’s heading into the volcano lair!  Send in the lava dive team squad!”

I never thought I’d say this, but at least parentheticals makes it obvious when we’re being patronized by the author.  This stealth patronization is rather jarring.

Further, and another thing I never thought I’d have to say, Author, you do NOT have to apologize for avoiding nonsense game mechanics!

Gutsman charged his cannon, pointing it at Megaman.

“Now he has a cannon, too, as well.  Where is he hiding all this weaponry?  Does he have one of those shirts that the Queen has?”

*Taco spits his drink all over his keyboard, which shorts out and is promptly replaced by a Darkwraith*

Please tell me that’s not what you guys call her.

“It’s part of the settlement agreement that we agreed on.  She kills us in a courteous manner as outlined during her repr- sensitivity training, and we defer to her with the proper respect due her title and position.”

I see.  I shall have to talk to the ‘Queen’ about this later.

Megaman: Oh yeah? You wanna do a cannon fight? OK, now DIE!

Don’t say it!

“You really are a buzzkill.  It’s filed in your file.  Along with ‘future crazy-old snake man.'”

Can’t fault you guys on your intel, thats for sure.

Megaman charged his cannon. They both shot at the same time.

They?  Him and his cannon?

“That’s usually how it works.  You fire the gun and it fires too.  If one is happening without the other, you’re in for an impromptu trip to the respawn point.”

Both of them: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH The rock cannon was winnig but Megaman didn’t want to lose, he wanted to protect his family and friends, espacily Sonia .He loves Sonia and he wants to tell her that.

Aaaand there it is, the worst action scene ever written.  Until I find the next worst one.

Megaman: I WONT LET EVERYBODY DOWN, I WONT LET SONIA DOWN, TAKE THIS GUTSMAN AND DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

So much stupid here and it’s just building up.  First off, this is the first game, Mega Man can’t charge up his cannon yet because that ability first appears in the fourth game, added by Dr. Light to deal with the escalation of power seen in Dr. Wily’s robots.

Second, you charge it, and you shoot it.  It’s not like you can stand there adding more “umph” like a DBZ character doing some kind of beam shot.  You get one big-ol blast.  It either hits, or it doesn’t.

Finally, it’s DER.

*Taco and Smithforge high-five over the table*

The mega cannon gain alot of power and Gutsman was defeated.

For crap’s sake, author, it’s called the Mega Buster, and it isn’t empowered by melodrama!

“I am.”

No you’re not!  Nobody here is powered by melodrama!  Except maybe the Specs and Co.  And Crunchy.  And probably Goeth.  And there’s Syl…

But the Mega Buster definitely isn’t!

Megaman: Wtf? Why didn’t he explode?

*GONG*

No text speak in the fic!

*Smithforge visibly winces*

What?

“That thing hurts.  That sheep of yours is a lot stronger than he looks as a sheep.”

And then, Gutsman opened his eyes and his body glowed, turning all dark.

“That’s not how glowing works!”

You’re catching on.

“You darken with darkness and glow with glowing!  This is basic stuff!”

Megaman: GUTSMAN? HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE Gutsman: My name isn’t Gutsman, its Dark Gutsman, the strong Dark Robot-Master.

Okay, so this actually is sort of a thing, but not in this way.   Dark robot masters were in Mega Man 3.  They’re brought in after you kill the starting eight bosses.  Each of the Dark Masters is a nastier version of the Mega Man 2 bosses.

“That’s still before 4, isn’t it?”

Yes.  Yes it is.

“And Gutsman is from the first game?”

Look, I said it was sort of a thing, not that this fic got it right!

And then he got a giant boulder, holding it with one finger.

“He’s an evil robot Harlem Globetrotter!”

That’s a weird image for my brain.

Megaman: OH CRAP! TAKE THIS!

Really now, I’m flattered and all, but this is really enough.

*Puts the thing next to the things and the stuff*

*ALARM BLARES*

*Grabs the radio* “He’s going for backup!  You’ll have to cut him off on level 73 before he can get to the WMC!”

WMC?

“Weapon of Massive Cuteness.”

Ahh, Jiwe.

He shoted a mega cannon at him again, but not even a scratch on it.

I hope not, if shoteding a gun put scratching on them, they wouldn’t last nearly as long.

Megaman: WTH!

*GONG*

Dude, just fucking stop with that.

D. Gutsman: You cant kill me, im invincible. Now DIE!

Both: DER!

Then throwed the boulder at Megaman.

Megaman: HOLLY S+++! GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!

So, Gutsman went from throwing rocks and shoteding a rock canons and cannons, to throwing rocks.  I’m not seeing the escalation here.

Then Megaman teleported to Dr. Light’s lab

“Well, that didn’t escalate quickly.”

Dr. Light: Megaman, what hapened to you? You look like you have seen a robogosth.

I’m really torn here.  Either that is the most inept attempt to spell ‘roboghost’ I’ve ever seen, which would be a stupid thing even if correctly spelled, or the author just tried to make a Lovecraft reference.  Both possibilities are so horrible that I don’t even want to consider which is worse.

Roll: Yeah.

Thanks, Roll, you’re a big help to this scene.

Sonia: What hapened Megaman?
Megaman: Gutsman turned all dark and said that he was a Dark Robot-Master.

“What is he master of?”

Hmm?

“Gutsman, he’s now a Dark Robot-Master, so what’s he master of?”

Probably the same thing he was before going all dark.  A mining-themed area with lots of met hats running around.

“What happens if Mega Man just doesn’t go back?”

…

Look, the games were fun!  The premise doesn’t need to make sense!

Dr. Light: Oh no!

Megaman: Doc? Are you alright?

Dr. Light: I know what hapened to Gutsman.

Everyone brace for stupid, because it’s coming whether you want it to or not.

“That’s what she-”

No.

He add a upgrade called the Dark Side, Dr. willy and I invented that upgrade encase the city was in danger, but he used it to revive the Robot-Master so they can have a new powerfull body.

*Facepalm*

Why can I never seem to escape Star Wars cross-overs?

“If Dr. Light is the good doctor, why would he create a chip called the Dark Side?”

More importantly, how was it supposed to save the city?  Ostensibly the chip makes something evil and invincible, so in what situation do you actually need something like that for saving a city?

The three robots: WHAT?

“I agree with them.  This doesn’t make sense.”

Megaman: So I guess i have to beat him again.

Naw, you think?  Did you miss that whole “revive” part of the exposition?

Dr. Light: Megaman, the only way you can defeat him is to you to use your new power.

The power of Deus Ex Machina!

Megaman: Okay, Sonia if I die today, i wanna tell, I love you.

Because this romance is totally not a folded-in afterthought put in just so the author could pleasure themselves thinking about the two of you rubbing bolts.

Sonia looked like she was gonna crie and said.
Sonia: I lo.. love you too Megaman!
Then they kissed eachother.

That was somehow less interesting than I expected.  Way to go, fic, you managed to surpass expectation buy sucking above and beyond the call of duty.

“That’s what she-”

Nope.

Roll: Awwwwww! thats so sweet!
Megaman: Okay, Rush, let’s go!

GAH!  Where the hell did you come from, Rush!?  You aren’t supposed to show up for another two games!

Rush: Rowf!
Megaman: Goodbye, my love.

“He loves the dog?”

Yeah, let’s go with that.

Then Megaman and Rush went to Gutsman zone again.

*ALARM BLARES*

Seriously!?

“Redundancy of scenes count.  He started in the zone and now he’s back there.”  *Clicks his radio*  “He’s made it to the Queen’s room, fall back and regroup!”

*Taco tops off Smithforge’s glass*

And with that, the fic proper comes to an end.  But, lucky us, we get an author’s note.

Sonia: Megaman, be carefull, my love.

“Um, I thought you said we were in an author’s note”

We are.  See:

pamr3001: What will happen to Megaman? Will he defeat Gutsman or not?

“My guess is yes.”

Normally a good guess, but in this case, this is the only chapter, so technically he does not.

See you next time in Megaman and the Dark Robot-Masters Chapter 2 The Rock Fight of power

Wuf, that’s a powerfully bad chapter name.  It’s a mercy that it was never written.  And with that, the fic comes to an end!

I want to thank our resident DRD agent, Agent Smithforge, for joining us today and keeping his co-workers at bay so I could finish this.

*Smithforge smiles then suddenly slumps down into his chair, dead.*

I also want to thank him for not noticing he was drinking out of one of Syl’s glasses.  Hopefully the respawn point won’t leave him with too much of a hangover.

Until next week, patrons!

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