535: Call of evil life in hell – Chapters Six and Seven

Title: Call of evil life in hell
Author: Insane Doctor The Insane Shadow Hunter and JudgmentDragon25
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic:  As many video games as you can shake a stick at, and The Land Before Time
Genre: None listed, and really, it’s hard to categorize such fail
URL: Removed from FF.Net.
Critiqued by TacoMagic Darth Crunchy

For the time being, Taco is still at large somewhere in time.  I have been told by our ninjas that they have joined a collaborative effort with the Time Police and the DRD’s SDQF Special Forces Unit to catch him.  Apparently he went back in time and created the slogan: “Nobody Doesn’t Like Sara Lee” or some such nonsense.

So it falls to me, Darth Crunchy, to continue in his stead.  As I am still new around here, you’ll find I have extended an olive branch to all of you readers.  After we’re done in here, you can join me in the lobby for free donuts and light refreshments.  Those who pledge to join the Dark Side will also receive a complimentary pass that can be used for free drinks from the bar.Lucky for you omnivores I had a bunch of free time this week. For research purposes, I snuck into Taco’s video game stash to familiarize myself with what is going on here.  Unfortunately, after also reading the fic up to this point, I am not sure the source material is actually ad rem reading.  It is further unlikely that spending a day playing Katamari Damacy was a good use of time.

Na na na na na na na na Katamari Damaceeeeee

Apologies, that has been stuck in my head for two days.

Chapter six a new member to our glorious company

Sometimes more is less.  Perhaps that is true of characters, yes?

okay this chapter is going to be a short chapter sorry but this shows what happens to ellie since she was captured by wesker

Hold on, when did that happen?  Let me see here, they run for the escape pods, certain death approaches, Ellie is captured by the tank morph, and the ship explodes.  No, I do not see the scene of Ellie being captured by Wesker or the two of them making it off the ship.  It must have been cut in post.

down the bloody halls wesker walked. The blood he stepped threw made a small splash sound for small amounts of blood had gone up from the puddle. Right behind him two necromorphs that looked like a puker and a smoker mixed were following close behind him.

I know what to do here!  There’s a button around here somewhe-

Too much Salt: 12

Darn it, where is that but-

Egregious Umlauts: 9

How terribly embarrassing.  I should have practiced a bit before… ah, here it is.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 18, Team Wesker – 8, The Hubble – 7

I shall have to lodge a complaint to the Librarians about the number and variety of counters they have crammed into this workstation.

“so we have got our new general”. Wesker asked while they continued to walk down the blood soaked hall.

Those halls are making me nostalgic.  I remember simpler times on Malachor V.  The blood on the walls, the terrified screams, and meat fresh off the sacrifice.  Ahh, the good old days.

One of the necromorphs replied in the form of there growls.

Never talk to the brainless minions.  Neophyte mistake, Wesker.

“excellent where is she now”? Wesker asked while they walked threw a door that lead to another hallway that had two tyrant’s walking down it. The both met in the middle and continued down there normal paths.

*Snags the door with the force and tosses it off in a different direction*

Do NOT throw things at me, sir.  I will become cranky, and when I am cranky, you will look like food.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 18, Team Wesker – 9, The Hubble – 7

The other necromorph replied in a growl form.

You quickly forgot my advice about talking to brainless minions.  Perhaps it is you who lacks the brain?

“the medical lab still I thought I told those fools in the lab to get the spider on her”. Wesker replied while the three went threw the door that lead down another bloody hallway.

*Snags the door and once again tosses it away*

You try my patience, Wesker.  Do not do that again.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 18, Team Wesker – 10, The Hubble – 7

Though I must say, not even I am evil enough to put spiders on people.  You go too far.

The two necromorphs had explained to wesker all the way down to the medical bay. Once the three had entered the medical bay wesker had ducked quickly. A scalpel then flew over him and stabbed the necromorph on the right in the head. The necromorph fell backwards with a loud thud wesker had looked up to see there new kidnapped but not yet brainwashed general with another scalpel held up to one of his doctor’s necks. Wesker saw her look towards him with eyes of hatred.

Yessss!  Give in to the hate!  Let it guide your-

*BZZZT*

My apologies, I got lost in the moment.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 20, Team Wesker – 9, The Hubble – 7

Authors, you seem t have forgotten that you cannot kill a Necromorph by damaging or removing the head.  It is probably best that you stop writing about things you know naught about.

“you are going to let me go now or I am going to drive this scalpel deep into his trachea”. Ellie said while holding the doctor up close to her with the scalpel pressing harder against his throat.

Shoot the hostage, even if you have a clear shot at her. A lesson needs to be taught and an incompetent doctor who allows himself to be taken hostage needs to be eliminated.

“please wesker do as she”. The doctor said only to hear the sound of one of wesker’s pistols going off filled the air.

There’s a good fellow.  You follow my orders well.  Perhaps, in time, I might even let you call me Master.

The doctor was limp in Ellie’s hands. Ellie was shaking fiercely once she let go of the doctor she felt the blood that drained from the front of his head on her hand. Ellie then stared at wesker who had aimed the smoking end of his pistol at her. It caused her to tighten the grip on the scalpel she had in her other hand.

There is fire in this one.  Nurture that hate; help it grow into a conflagration worthy of the Dar-

*BZZT*

Once again, my apologies.

“i have nice slumber”. Wesker said while he holstered his pistol.

*Mouth falls open*

I may have overestimated one or two things about you, Wesker.  Perhaps I should use smaller words when dealing with you in the future.

Suddenly ellie felt something hit her hard in the back of her head. She then fell to the floor with her eyes rolling to the back of her head before the world around her went dark.

*BZZT*

That was NOT me!  I absolutely did not cold-cock that excellent candi- *ahem* that marvelous young woman with one of the doors.

“nice job”.wesker said before he shot the trunter that had knocked her out in the head with his second pistol. The trunter fell backwards on to the bed.

Trunter?   Did I miss that in one of the games?

*Quickly searches through all the wiki information*

No, I cannot seem to find it.  Though it does seem to be a sexist derogatory term used for older women.  For shame, authors.

“to bad you were to slow to get her under control”. Wesker said with an evil smirk moving across his face.

*SNAP*

No smirking!  Smirking is for amateurs and apprentices.

Wesker then walked over to the corner of the med lab. He had pushed a button on the wall which lit up to a small white color.

I doubt that is a real color.  But I shall check anyway.

*Pulls out a color wheel*

Well there it is, “small white.”  It is quite nice now that I see it.  I should do my quarters in small white; it would set off the fresh blood nicely.

“send a hellhunter and another one of the medical staff to the medical bay there is a huge mess to clean…oh and tell the medical staff to bring a mop”. Wesker said while he looked over to the floor where a puddle of blood was being licked up by the trunter.

In general terms, ordering the cleanup of “a large mess” in a corporation where zombies are the product seems to make the suggestion of bringing a mop redund-

*A polite rapping comes from the chamber door*

Yes, who is it?

BRIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNSSSSSSS!

Ah, yes, next door my good fellow.  Follow the scent of fresh pie.

*Closes the door*

I do believe that the trunter was killed in the previous scene.  Mind explaining this anomaly, Wesker?

“forget the mop”. Wesker said while he walked out of the medical bay.

I am of the opinion that our authors may not understand how humor works.

In thirty minutes a hellhunter and a person from the medical staff had entered the medical bay. The medical personal almost regurgitated his lunch that he had earlier.  The hellhunter on the other had slowly licked it’s lips while it crawled closer to it next meal.

Ah, memories of mother.  Fresh Iguanadon regurgitated every morning when I awoke in the nest, Sauropods regurgitated for dinner.  Those were the gay days of my youth.

“they oh god-ugh don’t pay-ugh me enough for this”. The medical personal said while slightly vomiting on the floor while he watched the hellhunter devour the dead doctors flesh.

You humans have amazing abilities sometimes.  Pray, how do you slightly vomit?  I don’t know that I’ve ever attempted such a feat, let alone succeeded at it.

The medical personal quickly got to work. He picked up ellie’s unconscious and placed her back on the bed. The medical personal then reached into a bag that he had close by to him and placed a strange spider like device on her chest. Suddenly ellie sprang up from the bed and looked towards the medical personal.

My, that was fast.  I shall need to invest in a few of th-

*BZZT*

I have not forgotten that my contract excludes the Librarians and their patrons from my potential pool of meaningless drones to bend to my will through mind-control spiders.  Clause 47b is very clear on that.

The DRD, however, are not so contractually protected.

She then punched him threw the throat before she ripped out part of his throat.

*Snags the throat out of the air with the force and floats it into a food dish with “Crunchy” scrawled on it in multi-colored glitter pen*

And here I thought I was not going to enjoy filling in for Taco.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 20, Team Wesker – 10, The Hubble – 7

Ellie then turned here attention to the hellhunter that was still feasting on the human flesh. All ellie did was just bring her foot down hard onto the head of the hellhunter. A sickening breaking sound filled the air. Ellie then walked out the doors to the medical bay and down the hall to the left.

Yesssss.   Good, let the rage…

*Glances over his shoulder*

Um, never mind.

“wesker to medical bay how goes our new general”? Wesker asked trying to contact the medical bay only to receive static as an answer.

Is he standing in the hall saying that?  I really have overestimated him.

“wesker to medical bay how goes”?. Wesker said before a huge crash had erupted from behind him which caused him to turn around.

That is why I do not, under any imaginable circumstances, eat the burritos in the cafeteria.

See, it’s a joke about soiling yourself; I’m told humans find such things funny.

What is that?  Explaining the joke reduces its impact?  Mother told me that I was not suited for the stage, it appears her wisdom proves once again to be unimpeachable.

Once wesker had turned a full one-eighty he saw the tyrant of the guarding the door head roll to his feet. Wesker then looked up to see ellie who was smoothing her hair back with blood before she walked up to wesker who had a small smirk on his face.

*SNAP*

I will eat your face if you continue to smirk.

“looks like our new general is well”. Wesker said while ellie place one of her hands behind his head.

Yessssss!  Sssnap Wesssker’sss neck and your converssssion to the Dark Sssside will be com-

*BZZT*

*Ahem*

Do be a good little insane minion and snap his neck If you would, please.

“yes she is”. Ellie said while she pressed there lips together into a long kiss.

Why would you ever put your mouth that close to Wesker without taking the opportunity of eating his face?  Humans do not make any sense, sometimes.

The blood on her hair was dripping down onto wesker’s hands that were behind his back. Once the two had broke the kiss they slowly walked back down the hall threw the pools of blood that were left by her.

*Snags the ball of blood and floats it over to his food dish*

I love it when the meal comes with sauce.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 20, Team Wesker – 11, The Hubble – 7

So the chapter comes to a close with an author’s note.  It is fairly typical, except for this last bit:

and if issac existed he would kill for that one scene

Oh, my dear authors, you sell yourselves very short.  I am nearly positive that there are large swaths of people that wish to kill you now.  In fact, I’m sure at least two of them work here in the Library.

Now, I promised the management that I would do two chapters due to their individual short length, so let us all see what is in store for us in the next chapter.

Chapter 7 the space tornado is coming

My apologies once again, I appear to have something crazy interfering with my eyesight.  Nothing that a little Windex won’t fix.  One moment, patrons.

*Sprays Windex in his eyes*

AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Oh it burns!  Why would I ever do that!?

*Ahem* Thank you for bearing with me.  Let’s see what it really says:

Chapter 7 the space tornado is coming

…

WHAT!?  IT ACTUALLY SAYS THAT!?

Is this really what you humans do all day?  Fantasize about tornadoes in space with a blithe ignorance of astrophysics?  I am entirely embarrassed that the mammals took over.  I have a nasty letter to write to the asteroid belt after I am finished here.

the group of humans and dinosaurs stared in awe at the sight. Many weapons were hanging from the wall. Along with the weapons there were multiple battle suits one the wall.

“okay john you have defiantly earned my friendship”. Epic said while he looked at the multiple weapons.

Free weapons do tend to engender feelings of camaraderie, do they not?  Hmm…

I’m adding free light sabers to the reception for anyone who converts to the Dar-

*BZZT*

I am beginning to suspect that you may not want me to help your audience attain the power that is rightfully theirs. For only with the power of the Dar-

*BZZT*

This is the big one! I’m coming Elizabeth!

*BZZT*

Where was I?

“yes there are no other weapons like them but you will not be using these weapons follow me”. John said while he started to lead the group to possible other weapons.

We have different weapons and more different weapons.  We show you the different weapons, but you may only use the more different weapons.  I am sure you understand why.

The Word Hole swirls menacingly and launches a giant sentenceograph at the bunker

The group followed kennedy down a hidden hallway. While walking down the hallway they had passed threw multiple security walls. Three of them were eye scanners the final two were hand print scanners. The group then took a left turn down the hall way which only lead to a dead end. The had the expressions of is this a joke on there faces. John the smiled slightly and hit the wall. The wall then went upward revealing multiple weapons that were pack-a-punched and some that were spliced and others that were just recently created.

*Catches the brick-o-text with the force and holds it in place above the bunker*

Taco makes such a big deal out of these, but I cannot see why he finds them so threatening.

*Tosses the text brick back at the Word Hole, which absorbs the verbiage and grows double in size*

That might not have been the best move on my part.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 21, Team Wesker – 11, The Hubble – 7

New weapons!  I’m as giddy as a little hatching whose mama has a rat in her mouth!

“take your pick of weapons were gonna need all the fire power we need to fight the hell that lives in the heavens”. John said while the group started to choose ther weapons.

See, this is an irony because heaven and hell are being described as co-existing in the same place but you would expect them to be in opposite places!  If you still don’t see it, maybe the authors would be willing to start hitting the audience over the head with with a picture of it.

Once the group had chosen there weapons they were ready for the fight. That the were going to be heading towards.

“okay lets role”. Robert said only to have john put his hand up.

This is highly irregular and really does not seem to be the proper place or time for it, but sure, let us game.

*Puts on his robe and wizard’s hat and sets up his Game Master’s screen*

You are all walking down a long hallway when you come to chasm spanned by a single foot bridge.  It is guarded by a female Twi’lek in black robes who is wielding a light saber with a red blade.  It appears she knew you were coming so she gets a surprise action.

*Rolls some dice*

Just need to look that up on the table… ah!  She seduces you to the Dark Side and you all live happily ever after.

I love playing Dark Side Seduction.  Best pen and paper game ever!

“i’m afraid that you all have to go threw a training simulator that will get you ready for anti-gravity battles”. John said while he snapped his fingers.

*Deflects the training simulator with the force*

Mr. President, perhaps you missed my conversation with Wesker.  By throwing things at me you are endangering your face, which I will happily consume if you continue to hurl entire rooms at me.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 22, Team Wesker – 11, The Hubble – 7

Once the sound of his fingers snapping echoed threw the air the weapons that were in the room were brought down into the floor. After the weapons entered the floor multiple walls shot up from the ground. It caused the group to look around slightly stunned.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 23, Team Wesker – 11, The Hubble – 7

This seems rather overcomplicated just for zero gravity combat drills.

“be ready cause were about to go up against all the zombies that we had ever faced in this room”. John said which caused the group to ready there weapons.

That does not seem like much of a problem; the SMC has never fought any zombies in this room.

Once the group took there fighting stance’s the walls that had risen up suddenly opened. Once they were fully open multiple zombies started to run towards the group.

If the training is for zero-G combat, should not you all be in zero gravity about now?  This looks suspiciously like every over instance of combat the fic has ever produced.

“son of a bitch”. Tank said before he aimed his predator with chainsaw attachment at a zombie bringing it down with only a few bullets two it’s mid-torso.

A predator with a chainsaw attached to it?  Thats vaguely horrifying even for somebody that can throw force lightning at will.  I am not entirely convinced that it is a good idea to bring one of those into combat with you.

Multiple gun shots filled the air along with the copper casing’s of bullets and zombie bodies that were fallen by there guns. The group was constantly pulling the triggers on there guns. It sent many bullets flying threw the air along with there metal casings which landed on the floor at there feet. The zombie horde was starting to thin in a few moments the final zombie fell to the ground. The group was breathing heavily.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 24, Team Wesker – 11, The Hubble – 7

I am still not seeing how this is any different than any other day for the SMC.  Killing zombies without any effort while throwing air around.   They call that “mid-afternoon” on most days.

“okay that was good looks like were ready for the heavens let’s fly”. John said while he started to lead the group to the next room.

*Faceclaw*

Yes, I can see how gunning down a bunch of zombies they are already familiar with in normal gravity would prepare them to take on a completely different kind of zombie in zero gravity.  Whoever brought Kennedy back from the dead forgot to revive his brain with the rest of him.

I also question the wisdom of bringing three injured people with you.  You might recall that one of your group cannot walk without the aid of a crutch (due to a head wound), one has a broken leg requiring a wheelchair for motility, and last has a broken arm which would be liability in any kind of combat.  Perhaps leaving them here would be a preferable choice, yes?

The group followed john for about thirty minutes. Once they had finished walking threw the halls they arrived to see a huge blackbird sitting straight up. The blackbird was being prepared for take off.

*Blasts the flying halls with force lightning, shattering them*

STOP THAT!  Next time you throw something at me, I am going eating one of your forgotten characters.

“the scientist here have made many upgrades to that blackbird it is now going to be the first ever blackbird to go fully into space travel”. John said while he saw issac walk in front of him.

That would probably be more momentous an occasion if there was anyone left to care about it.  Though I am convinced that all the corpses littering America are really impressed with your space plane.

“well what are you all waiting for lets go get ellie back”. Issac said while he ran toward the blackbird with the others behind him.

When did that become their objective?  Last time Kennedy said anything their mission was along the lines of, “Kill stuff in space.”

It took the group five minutes to prepare for the launch of the blackbird.

So, it takes them over thirty minutes to walk anywhere, but preflight takes them five minutes?  I am not convinced that they are utilizing time appropriately.

They were all shaking slightly knowing that the blackbird could explode after it breaks threw the atmosphere.

*The atmosphere washes through the halls of the bunker*

Ahh, fresh air.  I will allow you to throw that at me.

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 25, Team Wesker – 11, The Hubble – 7

The ship then started to shake the gravity was starting to act against the group.

*Sigh*

Which part of gravity being a constant force is confusing to you, dear boys?

They knew that the blackbird was bound for the stars. In a few minutes the group was just looking up at the stars. They knew they were back on the battlefield. They all then looked at each other then they looked back towards the front of the blackbird. All of them could see the form of the ishmaru slowly approaching there ship.

Hold on, that ship blew up two chapters ago.  Is this ANOTHER Ishimura?  What in blazes is going on here!?

And, where is that space tornado we were promised?  We are one sentence before the end of this chapter and nobody has mentioned anything even remotely akin to such an odd spacial phenomenon.

Mayhap the last sentence has the reference to our missing space funnel.

They all knew they were about to step threw the gates of hell again.

*The gates of hell are deflected back into the fic*

Throwing Contest: Team Stu – 26, Team Wesker – 11, The Hubble – 7

OH THAT IS IT!  DINNER TIME!

*Bites the missing fourth survivor of the Ishimura and drags him off down the hall*

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