2032 Betrayal – Chapter Eight (Which Is Chapter Nine, But Isn’t Even a Chapter) and Chapter Nine (Which Is Really Chapter Eight But Is Listed as Chapter Ten)

Title: Betrayal
Author: Darksakudragon
Media: Anime
Topic: Naruto
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: Chapter Eight?
Critiqued by Lyle

*walks into the riffing chamber carrying an extra large coffee in each hand*

Good morning, lovelies!

*sits down at her desk and takes a sip from each drink*

Lina has bribed me to keep her out of today’s riff after what I did to her last week.  I am okay with this.

*takes another drink of her coffees before setting them both down on the desk and rubbing her hands together*

I have a treat and a half for you guys today.  We’re going to get through more than one chapter of this rhinoceros excrement!  Hold your collective groans for after the riff, please.  Let’s recap, then get to it.

Last time on “Betrayal,” Sakura and Shikamaru joined the Akatsuki because why the fuck not?

Onward!

Chapter nine, which is really chapter eight, isn’t really a chapter but an apology note.

Chapter 9: Note : sorry

So what exactly are you apologizing for, because I could list enough transgressions to fill a graduate student’s dissertation.

NOTE

Ehem, to all readers out there, about my…umm…how do you call it…little notes squished in…

The term you’re looking for is “Author’s Notes.”

or my talking with Sakura(The one in bold),

As opposed to the Sakura in italics?  Or the Sakura in Copperplate Gothic Light?

Lina:  Underlined Sakura is my favorite version.

GAH!

What the hell?!  I thought you weren’t coming to this one.  And make some damn noise!

Lina:  No, those- *points at the drinks* -are a bribe to keep me from having to do the next PB:LiW riff.  I’d much rather witness the insanity that is DSD’s writing than that purple tripe you made me suffer through last week.

…Fair enough.

you can choose to ignore it if it bothers you… except mabye the one that says bloopers…I know that to most of you guys, that’s it’s very, very irritating or annoying.

So we can choose to ignore her author’s notes, except for the bloopers, which we aren’t allowed to ignore, even though she acknowledges that the bloopers are incredibly annoying.

One of the reviews I’ve read happened to said that my story might make me think the readers are stupid but I don’t.

Lina:  Could have fooled me, Cupcake.

If most of you think it that way, then do tell me. ‘Cos I’ll see what I can do about it.

Here’s what you do about it:  Stop telling us what to think and feel in the middle of the story like we have to have it pointed out to us.

Sorry if I disrupt you’re reading, but I just can’t help doing it… XDD

-darksakudragon

Yes, you can.  You just choose not to for reasons I don’t comprehend.

Lina:  *takes a drink from one of Lyle’s coffees*  Her constant interruption of the story with asinine author’s notes and chats with characters honestly feels like an unconscious plea for acceptance mixed with parroting.

Hey!  *snags her drink back*  But do go on.

Lina:  Well, how many authors do this “author’s note conversation with characters” in fanfiction?

Too many to count.

Lina:  Exactly.  So what we have here is a young and/or inexperienced fic author who has seen other (potentially better, potentially just as bad) authors having fictitious conversations with the characters in the story before or after the chapter content, and in a bid to feel like she, too, is part of this (incorrectly) elite group known as “fanfic authors,” has taken to copying them, albeit unsuccessfully, in hopes that it makes her look like she truly belongs.  It’s kind of sad, really.  *steals the drink back and takes another swig*  Not that the story would improve much by her not having tried to copy that trope in an effort to “belong” but the fact that she seems to unconsciously do it because she wants to fit in is pretty telling.  She’s annoying as fuck, but I kind of want to give her a hug.

In other words, you pity her.

Lina:  I pity that she feels like she has to do something like this in order to be accepted.

Well, when you put it like that, it is kind of sad.  I hope it isn’t the case.  And give that back!  *makes a grab for her coffee*

Lina:  Oh, shove off.  I’ll make you another one.

Shall we move along to the actual chapter now that you’re done raining on the riff?

Lina:  Bring it on.

The Real Chapter Eight is called “Never again” and starts with, you guessed it, a conversation author’s note!

darksakudragon walks in:Okay guys, I’ll try to mkae this story less confusing…

Sakura: Alright, when we first left off our poor Sakura…mainly me

Akira: They ended up at Akatsuki…

Hidan: And the fucking bitch mauled me!

Sakura:Noone cares Hidan…

For once, I agree with the author’s note.

darksakudragon:Yup!Yup!

Hidan:Fuck all of you!Fuck you Sakura!And I mean it!

Sakura blushes

“Blushing” isn’t what she would do if someone said “fuck you” to Sakura.  She would probably turn red, but in anger.

darksakudragon turns to Akira:AKira!Hurry!Before my youthful state gets corrupted!

Lina:  She does realize that someone saying “fuck you” isn’t a sexual innuendo or a suggestion, right?  It’s an insult.

Akira sweatdrop: darksakudragon doesn’t own NARUTO…she owns me, herself and this story and not those idiots over there..

Everyone except for darksakudragon:HEY!

We are on Chapter Nine-But-Posted-As-Ten-But-Is-Really-Eight.  Why is there a disclaimer in the author’s note?!

Lina:  At least she knows how to use <hr> tags.  We get a lot of them in this chapter by the looks of it.

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The Akatsuki base was filled Hidan’s screams of pain. After the two cats were done mauling the now half-dead Hidan, Sakura turned towards the rest of the Akatsuki, cracking her knuckles along with a smirking Shikamaru. Clearing her throat she said confidently, ” Now, time for the REAL intorduction… unless you want to end up like him ne?”. All the members nodded their head (except for Itachi, Zetsu and Sasori) .

Not counting the author’s notes, this chapter is 526 words long.  This first paragraph, which is completely enclosed in <hr> tags, is the last paragraph of the previous chapter and 71 words long.   Almost 20% of this chapter is a quote from the previous chapter.

Lina:  Not only that, but if we just read the previous chapter, we don’t need to re-read this five seconds later.  We aren’t goldfish.  This is why people accused you of thinking your audience is made up of idiots.

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Three days has passed since the Akatsuki members introduced themselves to Sakura and Shikamaru. Sakura sighed as she went through her belongings, trying to find her diary. Then she froze. A bead of sweat rolled down her forehead as she re-checked her bag again this time mumbling,” C’mon…diary…diary…diary”. The entire Akatsuki base shooked with Sakura’s raging, frustrated scream,” WHERE’S MY DIARY?!”.

Lina:  If you’re going to use words like “shooked” I think you should be more concerned about where your dictionary is.

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Deidara turned to look at Shikamaru who was playing Shoji with Itachi. And as usual, he won.

There are three “he’s” in this scene.  Which one won?

Lina:  Three guys together in a scene… I think they all win.

*Swenia leans into the room and high-fives Lina*

Itachi frowned muttering,” I lost?”. Shikamaru couldn’t help himself but to smirk.

Cerbs:  BAAA!

Sorry, Cerbs.  He’s on the approved list.

Cerbs:  Ba.

No pouting!

“WHERE’S MY DIARY?!” her scream filled the entire base and both Deidara and Shikamaru jumped up in surprise. Itachi stayed put but a look of surprise plastered on his once stoic face.

I’m pretty sure Itachi only has one expression and that is “mildly irritated.”

Deidara looked again at Shikamaru asking,” What was that about?”.

Sakura lost her diary.  Duh.

Shikamaru shrugged but replied anyway,” I don’t know..but anybody who makes Sakura angry will pay hell for it…and you odn’t wanna be IN it.”.

In what?  What does that even mean?  You don’t want to be in Sakura’s anger?  You don’t want to be in Sakura?  You don’t want to be in hell?

Lina:  I think you don’t want to be in IT.

Don’t you dare pull a Taco and post a picture of that motherfucking clown.

Deidara shuddered at the thought at what Sakura might do to him and he shot Itachi a glance who merely shrug back. He’s face showed surprise and he definitely didn’t want to be in the pinkette’s situation.

None of them want to lose their dairies.

Lina:  Is this an extremist ninja organization or a bloody grammar school?

“Dear Diary,

Today I made ♥♥♥Sakura♥♥♥ mad at me because I stood IN it.  I hope she still wants to go to the midwinter dance with me.

Love 4 Ever,

Itachi Uchiha Haruno ♥♥♥”

Just then, Sakura stromed out of her room and faced the boys growling,” Which one of you took my diary?!”. Deidara whimpered and hid behind Itachi as goes for the same to Shikamaru.

Is Deidara hiding behind Itachi and Shikamaru at the same time?

Lina:  He’s a talented coward.

Itachi kept his cool and answered her cooly,”Well, I assure you kunoichi, we have no such item in our possesion…right boys?”.

Boys.  Yes.  That is totally a word Itachi would use to describe his comrades.  Yes.

Both boys nod their head as they whimpered under Sakura’s death glare.

*sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose*

Sakura huffed before leaning on the chair,” Any clue who might have taken it?”.

Lina:  Hey, Perky McNinja!

Koori:  *poofs into the room in a swirl of leaves*  Don’t call me that!

Lina:  Ninja are really good at gathering information, right?  Say, if something were stolen from one they could probably find it easily enough?

Koori:  Depends on the ninja.

Lina:  Sakura, for instance.

Koori:  What type of item?

Lina:  A personal item.

Koori:  She would probably have put a chakra signature on it so if it was misplaced she could easily track it.  Why?

Lina:  She lost her diary.

Koori:  …Wait, are you riffing that terrible Naruto crackfic?

Lina:  Yup.

Koori:  *poofs hastily away*

Deidara spoke up this time,” Konan!”. Then throwing a glare towards Deidara who merely hid under Itachi’s clothing who ‘hn’ at his silly actions, Sakura growled menancingly, ” And why, may I ask , Deidara-san would Konan-senpai do such a thing?”. Yes. Sakura calls Konan sempai because she treats her with high respect. I mean, seriously. Which girl in their right mind would stand staying with a bunch of S-criminals throwing their clothings at you and YOU have to clean it?Amazingly, Konan does.

I… I think we just got a Drunken Narrator™!

Lina:  So her solution to not including author’s notes in the body of the story is to put them into the narration instead.  So much for trying to make things less confusing for the readers.

Furthermore, Sakura and Konan treats one another as sisters.

Then she wouldn’t be calling her Konan Senpai (it’s an ‘n’, not an ‘m’, by the way).  She would be calling her Konan Oneesan.

Deidara stuttered out,” I-i saw Konan g-going i-into your r-room…she g-got out a pink book…” before he cowered under Sakura’s glare. Shimakaru got out form his hiding place yawning,” Besides, wouldn’t it be reasonable for Konan to want t6o read your diary? I mean,she is a girl after all right”.

Lina:  And suddenly, sexism!

If they treat each other like sisters, why would Konan even need to steal Sakura’s dairy?  Wouldn’t they tell each other everything already?

Lina:  You don’t have a sister, do you?

No, why?

Lina:  You’re adorable.

You don’t have a sister, either, so I don’t know why you’re being so high and mighty about it.

Sakura frowned. True, she didn’t think much about it. Scowling, she stalked off towards Konan’s room.

After Sakura left, all three boys sighed and collasped on the chair. Looking straight into each others eyes, all of them muttered,” Never again”.

They collapsed onto the same chair?

Lina:  That’s some sturdy-ass chair.  And ‘never again” what, exactly?  They’ll never again blame Konan for stealing Sakura’s dairy?  They’ll never again rat her out for stealing the diary?  They’ll never again collapse into the same chair because they realized there wasn’t enough room for three young adult men to share it without some hefty lap-sitting going on?  *shakes the fic*  What will they never do again?!

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darksakudragon: Well,find out what happen next!

Sakura:I wonder what will Konan say

Konan pops up:Probably a I’m sorry

Akira *eyes glinting*:NOpe…I’m thinking of a difficult situation…

All stare at darksakudragon who says:Er…I’ll think of something…but for now

I miss Drunken Narrator.

Shikamaru lazily: Please review..

Deidara:Those who does, will receive free cookies!

“Those who does.”

Itachi, sharingan spinning: Flamers,…DIE!

Everbody:JA!

Jeder sagt Ja auf Deutsch!

Lina:  Toată lumea spune da în germană!

What?

Lina:  Huh?

See you all next week!

Lina:  Pa!

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