267: Brains and Brawns – One Shot

Title: Brains and Brawns
Author: itheif11
Media: Movie
Topic: The Incredibles
Genre: Tragedy/Family
URL: Brains and Brawns
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Welcome back, Patrons.  Today I have another mostly-nonsensical short fic to share with you, this time from the canon of “The Incredibles,” the Pixar movie about superheroes who are shunned by society and have to go undercover.  This little fic reimagines the next-to-last scene, where the Incredibles win but Syndrome, the bad guy, still escapes.

“Time is Ticking and We can’t go Back, My oh, My”

Google (and the author’s note at the end) tell me that this is a lyric to a song.  Not really sure what it’s doing here, or what it has to do with the movie or the fic, but I’ll tuck that extra comma into the Spare Punctuation Box for later.

Once the threat of Syndrome was over, the Incredible family began to look about the rubble and flames of Syndrome’s ship. They had to make sure that no civilian had been injured or worse. Only what Mr. Incredible found was worse then he had thought he would find. Syndrome had survived. But it was painfully clear that the mangled body and soul of Syndrome wouldn’t last much longer. Mr. Incredible looked back to his family. “…H-..Elasti-Girl, get the kids inside.. get a ambulance down here, quick!” He ordered though it was obvious Syndrome wouldn’t last long enough to hear those sirens. moved to Syndrome’s side. Syndrome looked up at , and for some reason, smiled at him. God he was in such a bloody mess that for him to smile… He knew death was at hand.

So here’s where there’s a big change.  In the movie, Syndrome is knocked out by his robot, which realized it is being controlled by Syndrome’s remote.  He is next seen, whole and healthy, at the Incredibles’ house.  So the fic author has him somehow getting fatally injured by his own rampaging robot.  This type of change is certainly not unheard of in fanfiction, and can even be the basis of good fics if done well.  Too bad the author’s mechanics suck and the whole thing is an extended cliche.

Just to point out a few of the problems:  “injured or worse” – why can’t the author just say “injured or killed”??

And oh, the pronoun confusion.  There are two male characters in this scene.  Most of the time, it’s easy to tell which is which, but that last one – I have no clue.

Finally, there are two places where Mr. Incredible’s name seems to be missing.  Was the author editing out some of the pronouns and forgot to put in the name (or vise versa)?  Was the author trying to be stupid mysterious?  No clue.

“H-Hey..” said gently to , who now focused on his dying nemesis, though it was hard to consider him as such a villain in this state.

Again with the unclear pronoun and missing name.  From the rest of the sentence, I think Syndrome says that and the missing name is Mr. I, but the author doesn’t tell us.

“Hey Buddy…” He said in return. Buddy’s smile grew then he began to cough, blood droplets flying out.

Buddy is Syndrome’s real name, so I guess I was right that Syndrome started this scintillating conversation.

Also, ew.

“It’s- It’s Syndrome to you ..” He corrected and could only nod.

No, he spoke.  That’s not “only nodding.”

“Right..Secret Identity.. ” He whispered, unable to find much else to say to the dying man before him. closed his eyes when he heard Syndromes voice again.

WHY IS MR. INCREDIBLE’S NAME MISSING???  It’s like what we saw with Marron in Control.  Some sort of suspense thing?  Inability to decide what name to use??  Very specific amnesia on the part of the author???  I DON’T GET IT.

…

Once again, sorry about the yelling.  I’ll try to lower the Cone of Silence first, next time.

“Does the name.. Barbra mean anything to you?” He asked weakly.
looked to him, dumbfounded by the question. “What?” He asked in reply.
Syndrome shook his head and chuckled, though he winced while doing so.

Before you ask, no, I don’t know why those lines are grouped like that.  And yes, that is another missing name at the beginning of the second line.  ::deep breaths::  Better if we don’t talk about it, though.

A moment ago, Syndrome could “only nod.”  Now he’s asking questions, shaking his head, and chuckling.  Author needs to decide how close to dead Syndrome is.

Also, author, I would appreciate it if you have the narrator call the character either “Syndrome” or “Buddy” and not randomly switch off.  Thanks.  (To be fair, I can think of at least one published author, who has won many awards for his writing, who does this.  It drives me nuts.)

“Guess you never knew then huh?” He asked, “About me..”

Vagueness for the win!  Seriously, if the character’s dying, you’d think he’d say what he needs to say quickly.

frowned. “…Buddy.. make some sense would you please?” But Syndrome was silent at that point, and almost thought that Buddy had passed, but then he heard his voice again.

::lowers CoS::

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::raises CoS::  Let’s move on.

“That you’re my father..” said that broken voice, and the words shook .

“Luke, I am your fath-”

Oh, not quite.  But you can see how I got confused, right?

“What?” Asked , not believing what he was hearing but then came more coughing, and more blood, God it was everywhere now. That white ‘S’ now turning crimson. felt Buddy’s hand wrap around his wrist, and again he persisted to chuckle as if this was all some sick joke.

Out of curiosity, from where is he bleeding?  Syndrome’s injuries are never described.  It was implied earlier that he was coughing up blood, but he also seemed to be in pretty bad shape before he started coughing.  So along with pronouns and names, this author fails description, too.

Hold on, let me put on my surprised face.

“It’s so odd.. Mother told me on her deathbed and here I am.. Telling you on mine..” He said, his pale blue eyes meeting ‘s blue eyes. mentally pulled away from the thought.

Well, he’s not really in a bed…  And what thought is it away from which the unnamed Mr. I is pulling?

“No, that can’t be.. You would have powers then, you’d of been a super…” And regretted the words the moment the came out of his mouth. Buddy winced, either from the pain of death, or the pain of those words.

Do they know that for sure?  The Super gene could be recessive – Mr. I married another Super, so that could be needed for their kids to be Supers.

“Why would I lie? Why would I bother putting up with this pain when I could… end it?” He asked, and that’s when knew it had to be true.

Huh, what?  End what pain, and how?  I’m so confused…

It was true then, did sleep with a Barbra. It was before he met Helen though.. and he never slept with girls he happened to save… but she was that one exception. With her red hair, and those deep green eyes.. A one night stand and that was it.. All those years ago.

I’m guessing either the author or the author’s crush has green eyes.

Also:  “she was that one exception” – of course she was.  Syndrome couldn’t be the sorta-Gary Stu of the fic otherwise.

“When did she die?” He asked absent minded.

Oh boy.  I really want to go off into a lecture about parts of speech, explaining how that last needs to be an adverb, but I don’t want to put you all to sleep, so I’ll spare you.  I’m sure, that as Patrons of the Library, you already know.  Suffice it to say, this author gets a big red X here.

“When I was twelve” He replied almost instantly.
It was a slap to his face. God if he had known. How could he of known?

And here we have “of” for “have.”  Ugh.  It’s not unique to this author, but it kills me every time.

Also, does Mr. I know how old Syndrome is?  It might have been referenced 15 years earlier, when he first turns up as Buddy, stalking Mr. I, but that’s a long time to remember exact age of a person you’ve met once.

“Ironic isn’t it..?” That voice came again. wished it would just go away, but he knew, he knew Buddy needed to tell him this last story. “..That you brought me into this world, and took me out.. That you were the closest thing I had to a father, and as it turned out.. you were..” Tears began to form in Buddy’s eyes now. “All I wanted was to be something like a son to you back then.. but when she told me.. I hated you so much!” And then the tears rushed out. “Why weren’t you there for me? For her.. I always came running to your side, but you didn’t want me! You wanted nothing to do with me!” He said in anger, his hold on ‘s wrist tightened.
was speechless. How could he of known?

“that voice”?  Really??

In the movie, Buddy/Syndrome goes evil because of being rejected by Mr. I.  He tries to be friends with a Super and gets pushed away, so he hates all Supers.  Makes sense.  But being mad at Mr. I for not knowing that Syndrome is his son?  Makes way less sense.

And you know, I think I’m starting to go numb.  The repetition of the error really does make it less painful.

“Buddy.. honest to God.. If I had known I’d-” But he was cut off by the shaking of Buddy’s head.

Is Mr. I shaking Syndrome’s head like a Magic 8 Ball?  That’s gotta hurt.  Tempting as it may be, it’s not very fatherly.

“You’d what? Be there for me? Well you weren’t! I was always there for you, so what difference would it make? You didn’t care about anything I did for you! You-” But he was cut off due to a coughing fit. It wouldn’t be long now. And now Buddy knew it, and God save him, but he was scared. So God damn scared. He was crying now.

How was Buddy/Syndrome always there for Mr. I?  After being rejected, he ran off, became Syndrome, and started killing Supers.  What did he ever do for Mr. I??

“I don’t want to die a villain!” He cried out, clutching his father’s uniform now. His blood stained gloves transferring the blood onto the suit. “I- I don’t want to die a bastard child… Please..” He pleaded in a whisper. “Please Robert.. … Dad.” He hardly managed to breath the last part out.

Not to nitpick, but I’m pretty sure there was already blood on the suit from Mr. I’s battle with the robot.  And Syndrome’s been coughing up blood this whole time, I’m sure some of it got on Mr. I.  And it’s not even the first time Syndrome’s touched him!  It’s the small details sometimes…

Robert slowly nodded. Tears, now in his eyes. “Fly home, Incredi-Boy…” He whispered to his son and how his eyes had lite up. But just as quickly that light had came into Buddy’s eyes, it vanished.. and that grip loosened, and his body went limp. And Robert was alone. He scooped up his son’s body into his arms and cried for him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry..” He repeated over and over again…

Shatner, is that you?

As it turned out, the NSA discovered that Buddy Pine, aka Syndrome, was indeed a ‘Super’ only his powers weren’t seen as ‘powers’. Buddy’s mind surpassed that of Einstein’s. Not a single soul could explain how Buddy’s inventions worked. He was truly, ‘A super genius’. Buddy’s Brains in reality, came from Roberts Brawns.

See, what did I tell you about Syndrome being a Stu?  In the movie, he’s portrayed as smart, but not freakishly smart.

And “Roberts Brawns” sounds like a porn star name.

Robert Parr would never tell anyone of Buddy’s final moments, though the NSA figured it out on their own, they kept Roberts secret. Robert wouldn’t be able to tell you how many times he found himself crying over the incident. He had gone though life regretting his past choices, and died knowing he ruined and took his first born’s life. Robert managed to live the rest of his life with his family, decently to his family’s eyes, and was still considered incredible, but not a day would pass Robert Parr with out him asking ‘what if?’ What if he had been kinder to Buddy. What if he had accepted Buddy as Incredi-Boy, or what if he had accepted the role as his father? What could of been for Buddy?

And now the tenses are getting all screwy.  But hey, at least Mr. I’s name is finally used!  ::throws confetti::

“You say we’re not responsible, but we are. We are.”

Another lyric from the same song.  At least I see the connection this time, even though I think it’s a terrible stretch to blame Syndrome’s problems on the father who never even knew he had an older son.

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The lyrics are from the song We Are by Ana Johnsson.

Though this One Shot would completly destroy the possibility of Synlet which I do so love, I couldn’t help but write it after noticing how similar the two were in build and eye color. I will even admit I got a little teary eyed as I brain stormed it up.

This author thinks quite a lot of him/herself.  And I hate that – “I couldn’t help writing it.”  Yes you could.  And if it’s one of those things that just has to be written down so that you can stop thinking about it, you still don’t have to post it, especially with half the words missing.  Seriously, get over yourself, author.

And on that note, I’ll see all you Patrons next week.

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