2433: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger – Chapter 2

Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Author: jkrowlingreal
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Suspense
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by The Librarian formerly known as Satan’s Teacup

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the next chapter of what will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride into Crazy Town. The first chapter’s ‘narration’ portion was largely an unmarked Author’s Note from dear ol’ JK for the most part, so here’s hoping there is some actual fic somewhere in this fic.

Harry and Hermione confront their problems…

Presumably these problems center completely on how they aren’t allowed to have sex with each other because the whole convoluted “cousins via godparent” thing caused by Harry’s godfather being the brother of Hermione’s father instead of them legitimately being related because their mothers were sisters.

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2427: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger – Chapter 1

Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Author: jkrowlingreal
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Suspense
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat Satan’s Teacup

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, dear Patrons, and welcome to a brand new fic! I had sort of planned to start working on a long-ish Skyrim wankfic, but then changed my mind since I would have to cut it off for our annual Spooktober. You will sadly have to wait to read about the conflict between the Fempire and those rebellious Stormclits. Today’s fic is still a work in progress, as I’m writing this a fresh chapter has just been posted a few hours ago, so it is bound to get longer but I don’t mind breaking it up. Now, I don’t normally work of fics that are in-progress just by personal preference, but this one is just a very wibbly-wobbly ball of wack-assery that is practically the embodiment of an onion of failure.

Let’s take a look at the summary; which, for once, is not what drew me to the fic but still waves many red flags.

This is the truth about the first draft I’ve written about the characters of my Harry Potter stories and I would’ve preferred to publish every first draft instead of what is currently on the market so I will rewrite and refine the first drafts, to have the real genetics and the magical laws involved like how I prefer my stories to be realistic than fantasy.

First off – that is all one sentence. Yikes. Secondly, this is a series with physics-breaking magic happening on the regs yet the ‘real’ author of the series claims to prefer realism over fantasy.

Right.

And I seriously doubt any halfway decent author would ever claim that they wanted to publish their first drafts. First drafts are frickin’ nightmares. I also find it funny that the author claims to want to publish the first drafts, but in the same sentence says that they are going to “rewrite and refine” those first drafts – a process normally referred to as ‘editing’ which would make them no longer first drafts.

As you might be able to tell, the author claims repeatedly, both in the fic and in their bio, that they are the real JK Rowling. They will not shut up about how they are, for real and for true, the legitimate person known as JK Rowling. In fact, there are only two fics in their profile, this one and what is essentially a long Author’s Note claiming that they are the real JK Rowling among other rambling nonsense including the “fact” that there are special American police departments (and British Bobby departments) specifically set up to track down fanfic authors’ names and addresses so that the owners of the intellectual properties can send them cease and desist letters for not adhering to the canon pairings. Because that’s definitely something Generic Police Dept officers spend their time doing.

On to the fic! Which starts off with an Author’s Note.

AN: This is the real Joanne Kathleen Rowling, or known as J.K. Rowling, and yes I am the real deal and all.

Welp, I’m finally convinced. It’s not like total dumbasses can’t go around on completely anonymous sites like ff.net and claim to be whomever they want. I couldn’t, I don’t know, just change my username to Satan’s Teacup without the Internet Police checking to make sure I was, in fact, crockery owned by the devil.

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