2727: A King Among Kings — Crappy Holidays

-WARNING-
Today’s ‘fic attempts to be flamebait by bringing up issues of religious racial theories, blasphemy, Vic Mignogna, and Twitter. It doesn’t actually have anything to say about these issues, but it does still bring them up.

Title: A King Among Kings
Author: TheFelRoseOfTerror
Media: Literature and… other literature? IRL? Not touching that one.
Topic: Cthulhu Mythos / Bible
Genre: Drama / Mystery
URL: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, and Chapter 3 which is “NOT A NEW CHAPTER”
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C-Hon

Hello hello all you patrons! Thanks to the holidays (and, you know, the record-setting disease outbreak) work has finally seen fit to slack off a bit and I am back just in time to treat you all to a lovely little Christmas ‘fic.

“And this one isn’t even a creepypasta!

…

So, ummm, if it’s not a creepypasta, then what the glub am I doing here??”

Well, I figured, what’s more important to Christmas than the good ol’ Reason For The Season, our Lord and Savior (actual salvation impact may vary), Jesus Christ.

“Still not convinced, really. Although I do still think the part where he gets nailed to the wooden thing and then they think he’s dead and he comes back for more was pretty glubbin’ metal.”

Well, just read the summary.

Once, long ago, The Crawling Chaos visited Christ. This is that story.

“…

Well, I’ll be glubbed! An actual Cthulhu Mythos ‘fic that isn’t porn or eighty thousand words long!”

~Merry Christmas, Nina.~

Hey, before we start in earnest, can we talk about how the “Bible” section of ff.net handles names?

“Also, can we talk about how there’s a ‘Bible’ section on ff.net??”

Yeah, I have been fortunate in only having encountered it on two, maybe three occasions, and both times it has proven itself to be a weird, WEIRD place that always ends up somehow involving anime. But back to my original point, the way that it names the Biblical figures who populate its resident works is weirdly long and flowery! This ‘fic, for instance, features Jesus, “Joseph, the Father of Jesus”, and “Mary, the Blessed Mother” (as well as an OC). The proper names of these people as used in Biblical scholarship are just “Saint Joseph” and “Virgin Mary”, or even just “Joseph” and “Mary” if there’s no ambiguity possible with other Josephs or Marys. Even “Mary, Mother of Jesus” would be a lot clearer than whatever that last one is.

So, with all of that out of the way, let’s begin with Chapter 1, “The Birth of the Christ Child”.

“Instead of the birth of the Christ Adult.”

I mean, this is a Cthulhu Mythos ‘fic…

It is said that approximately two thousand and seventeen years ago, a single child was born.

“Probably a lot more than that, actually.”

A child anointed by the Moon Spiders to save us from Sonic.exe.

“Holy, holy, holy.”

A child, born of a virgin, destined to rule.

This is true.

It is said of him, and by him, that he came not to this world to bring peace, but a sword.

This is also true.

It is said that three kings came to his birth.

This is not true.

There were four.

The three kings are presumed to have come from Jerusalem, at the behest of Herod, who sought the death of the child.

The fourth came simply from curiosity.

“Bow chicka bow wow?”

Oh, hush. Don’t want to scare the young Moon Spiders.

He had heard of the rumors that surrounded the child, and sought to know if they were true.

He didn’t know what the rumors were, he just knew they existed, making an evaluation of their truth or falsity rather difficult.

He came not of any mortal kingdom, nay, he came from the Dreamlands, of which all men fear.

“No they… don’t? The Dreamlands have dangerous stuff in them, of course, but some parts are actually pretty civilized.”

Also, “of” which all men fear??

He came with a retinue of four. Conquest, War, Famine, and Death.

“Pestilence couldn’t make it, so he asked one of War’s lieutenants to sub in for him.”

Also we’re getting some backflow from the Apocalypse in our Nativity. Gonna have to open up the Bible and install some new rubber gaskets in between the chapters after this is over. Maybe string up a few nets for the crab legs it keeps shedding while I’m at it.

…

Where did we even get that Bible?

“I dunno, I just figured they were all like that.”

They pulled themselves into the waking world, in the place called Golgotha.

There were no witnesses to their arrival, for in those days, no man went to Golgotha.

Again, no. According to Matthew 27:39 and Mark 15:29, the hill of Golgotha was directly outside a gate leading into Jerusalem and easily visible to travelers.

They travelled for weeks, searching for the place where the child was to be born.

One night, three of the four members of the king’s retinue argued amongst themselves.

Conquest, also known as Sysyphyx,

“Pffffffffft!”

What even prompted the author to create that name. I mean, it’s clearly an unholy agglomeration of “Sisyphus” and “Sphinx”, but… why? What would that even look like?

“It looks like everything else we’ve seen in the ‘fic so far. Kind of eldritchly voidy.”

argued that the child did not exist.

War, her child, known as G’nruk of Vol’kunast,

Gesundheit!

“Why are we being told these names? They already have names that are a lot easier to remember?”

Why do these characters exist at all?

believed the king they served, and believed that where the child was to be born might be somewhere, to quote, ‘off-map.’

Jesus was born possessing the holy power of noclip!

Famine, known as Gith,

Who might also have been one of Sonic.exe’s seven guardians.

believed the stories that the child would be born in Bethlehem, as all the stories said.

[BLARING ALARM BLARES]

*Three wise DRD Agents storm into RIFFCON bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, gold, frankincense, and myrrh, and gold, frankincense, and myrrh.*

As the three argued, Death, more well known as the Masked Mute,

Sounds like a C-grade 90s Batman villain.

Actually, they all sound like C-Grade 90s DC villains. The Masked Mute is a Cassandra Cain ripoff who fights Batman, Sysyphynx is a massively overmuscled dude in an Egyptian headdress who tries to lure Wonder Woman into pointless death traps, and Famine-also-known-as-Gith teams up with G’nruk of Vol’kunast in a Superman/New Gods crossover special filled with philosophical rambling that goes nowhere.

tended to her father, the king, who had become irritated at the length of time their journey had taken.

“And why are all of these horsemen or magi or whatever-the-glub all related, too?”

Also, I guess Great Old Ones hate long road trips as much as I do. Who would have guessed?

“That is not dead which can eternal lie, for in strange eons even Death really needs to take a leak right when there’s no glubbing rest stops around.”

Or, I guess, Death’s father does. Still not sure how that works.

I am also wondering why frickin’ Outer Gods (and/or reskinned Horsemen of the Apocalypse) were willing to come all the way to Bethlehem based solely on the rumor that Jesus was going to be born there. Because rumors about prophets weren’t exactly uncommon in first-century Judaea.

The Masked Mute firmly believed in all the stories pertaining to the child, bar those stating where he was born, and had made a vow; she would take the name of the child’s mother as her own.

During this time of conflict, a light came from heaven, silencing the five, or rather four, seeing as how the Masked Mute could not speak.

THANK YOU, MAGUS OBVIOUS.

“Wait, the king was speaking?”

Maybe the king is the narrator?

The light revealed itself to be a single angel, sent from the Heavenly Father himself.

“♫All the single angels! All the single angels. All the single angels! All the single angels…♫”

*whap whap whap*

Of all the 21st-century music you could have discovered, you just had to go and pick that song.

The angel spoke calmly, showing no sign of the disgust that most used when speaking to this particular being, or his children.

Yeah, all that Void really is stomach-turning, amiright?

The angel named itself Althriel,

Right then and there. It had been completely anonymous beforehand.

and spoke to the king.

“Follow the star that will soon appear, for it shall lead you to the child you seek.”

No other words were spoken by the angel, and none were needed, for, only a moment after the angel departed, the star appeared.

Well that angel (oh, wait, sorry, Althriel) sure did add a whole lot.

The four lieutenants made haste to follow their father, for he moved with much speed to the place where the child was born.

“Much speed, but not much description.”

Not two hours later, the five arrived, all excited to meet the child.

Angered they were to know that the child was not born in an inn, but a lowly cattle shed.

“Not even one of those highfalutin’ luxury cattle sheds you can find, either!”

I mean, I’m sure there are indeed companies somewhere that offer, like, spa treatments for cows or something, but that’s more modern late-stage capitalism than mid-Antiquity.

And I’m not really sure why, from a “king”‘s perspective, an inn would be that much of a step up.

Not at the child, but at the innkeeper.

“Thanks… for… clarifying?”

While harnessing their anger, the five found the stable

So is it a stable or is it a cattle shed? Because they aren’t interchangeable.

“That makes it sound like being angry helped them find it, too.”

where the child had been born, and now rested.

To the horror of the three of the four lieutenants, they were the last to arrive.

Note that while a lot of art and modern retellings have the Magi arriving on the literal night Jesus was born, in fact they only started their trip after the birth had happened and “traditional” dates of arrival range from between two weeks to two years later.

It was not large enough for all five, so Conquest, War, and Famine chose to stay outside, trusting Death and their king to tell them of the child.

I have to admit I laughed out loud at this. There’s something about the contrast between the portentous, verging-on-purple way these characters are named, and the absolute mundanity of the problems they are presented with. If the entire ‘fic was written like this and titled something like “Nyarlathotep and Azathoth go to White Castle” I’d be congratulating it on its adequacy as a troll/crackfic.

“I’m not too sure it isn’t a troll/crackfic.”

Naaah, if it was then the “look at my OCs, my OCs are amaaaaazing” parts would either be absent, or a whole lot more involved. Sadly, for every bit of deadpan humor this story (presumably unintentionally) creates, there’s three other sections that are just profoundly bland and daybooked.

Joseph stood outside, hoping to keep out any undesirables who sought to harm the child.

Afraid was he at the fourth king’s dread appearance, and Death’s strange masks, but Joseph believed in his God’s power, so he let them pass.

“As you do when your job is to keep out anyone who might harm your child.”

I mean, these characters are far too insubstantial to stand much chance of doing any damage.

“Wait, strange masks plural?”

I mean…

Apparently plenty of grown adults think this guy is the scariest thing to ever exist, so I figure the Lovecraft-wannabes would try their hand at it sooner or later.

Entering the stable, the king found himself sorely afraid.

Afraid of the child’s power.

“Oh, and here I thought he’d be afraid of the child’s hair.”

As the fourth king struggled to find his composure, his child, the Masked Mute, knelt by the child, and offered a silent prayer to the stars, the heavens, the gods… All who would listen.

“Sadly, all of the stars, heavens, and gods’d already gotten bored and left back when the story started describing Death’s confusing family tree.”

Also, did you know that the Masked Mute is the king’s daughter?

“Only three or four times already.”

The mother of the child asked for the identity of the king, and his child.

“AGAIN???”

The king solemnly proclaimed: “I am the Chaos that Crawls in the abyss. I am the Haunter of the Dark. I am the God of a Thousand Faces. I am a villain that these stars will never see surpassed, not even by Lucifer himself.

“I…

I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!!!!!“

And yet, I am here to bow before your child, for his power is like nothing I have ever felt.”

Ok, this is getting to be a little Dragon Ball Z-ian again.

The king then knelt at the side of the child, and bowed his head before him.

A thought occured to the king, and he turned to the mother of Christ.

“Pray, tell me your name, for my child,” here, he indicated his daughter, “has none, and has taken a vow that she would take the name of the mother of this child. So, pray, tell me my daughter’s name.”

Not showing an iota of surprise, the mother of Christ spoke her name.

For whatever reason, this ‘fic also seems to have some kind of weird aversion to actually saying the name “Mary”.

“And, um… why is she doing this?”

The Masked Mute turned to her father, and motioned in a language of only motion, and no sound.

“Instead of motioning in a language of only color.”

I mean, this is a Lovecraft ‘fic.

The king spoke again. “My child wishes for you to know her thanks, and seeks permission to try something, to gauge the child’s power. Do you mind?”

Mary shook her head.

“Oh. Oh, now it’s willing to say ‘Mary’.”

Surprisingly, after that dread invocation… nothing has happened.

“Then, pray tell, look away from her, for her face is one that no man can see.”

After a few moments, the king spoke again: “You may look now. It seems Christ himself is the only one who can look upon her face.”

“Wait, so, if this was an ordinary kid then that stunt might’ve… killed him, or driven him insane, or something? And “the king” did it anyway??”

Thank you. Pray we never meet again, for I am Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos.

The only thing ‘crawling’ here is the narrative, and there has been little if any chaos.

When Mary, mother of Christ, looked back, no one but her child was there.

Even though previously there had been enough people in there that Famine, Conquest, and War had to wait outside.

“Other people who… didn’t have anything to say or do, I guess.”

And then the chapter ends. Sadly, there are indeed multiple (extremely short) chapters to this thing.

“I’d ask why those exist, but then again this chapter didn’t really have a reason to exist either.”

The next one is called “The Request”.

Damn you people. Really? Why is this story the one with the most follows/favorites?

I’m puzzled by that myself.

“Oh, Great Cthulhu, if this is the author’s most popular story, then what are their other stories like??”

It looks like a lot of stories ranging from “short” to “extremely, stupidly short” that are all crossovers between the Cthulhu Mythos, RWBY, World of Warcraft, and various random semi-popular anime. There are also a bunch of random rants about being Nyarlathotep on their profile page, and a list of these same stupid OCs who I am guessing appear in every single ‘fic. I think we’ve found a new repeat offender.

Do you people want me to write more for this story?! BECAUSE I WILL!

“That sounds like a threat.”

I’m pretty sure that is a threat.

Jerusalem, 12 AD

“And why,” Asked Christ, “doth thou asketh man to payeth redemption for their crimes, if He will punish them in death regardless?”

“Fool boy.” Said the High Priest. “Thou knowest not what thou sayeth. Those who payeth thine gold and silver-“

OK, so, all of a sudden this part of the story (which sounds like it is lifted directly from the “Disputation in the Temple” in Luke 2 but as near as I can determine is not an exact match to anything) is in Ye Olde King James English when everybody has been talking normally in the previous chapter.

“Will still be punished for their crimes by God when the Promised Day comes.” Said a new voice.

Jesus and the High Priest turned to see a tall black man, wearing strange black clothing, stride through the entrance of the temple.

“And then an OC comes in and steals Jesus’s thunder. Great.”

What kind of strange black clothing? A gimp suit? Modern tactical gear? A really edgy clown costume? “Strange” covers a lot of ground, especially where Lovecraft ‘fics are concerned.

“Leave!” Commanded the High Priest. “Thou bearest the Mark of Ca-” The High Priest stopped, and grasped at his throat.

“Cain’s Mark is not black skin, fool.” Said the Man In Black, his hand making a choking gesture in the direction of the High Priest.

The racist interpretation of the Mark of Cain emerged, at its very earliest, in the 14th century, and that was targeting the European Romani. I am not even sure why this passage was even included here, TBH- does FelRose just hate this nameless High Priest so damned much that (s?)he wants to tar him in every possible way relevant or not? Is the story trying to educate us under the assumption that we are religiously-motivated racists??

“I’d ask you to release him.” Requested Christ of the Man In Black.

“But I’m a dick, so I won’t actually.”

The Man In Black scoffed, and released his grip. The High Priest fell to the ground, struggling to breathe.

“And these scene just got completely ripped off from the original Star Wars. Which I’ve finally seen.”

“Come, Son Of God. We must speak.” Said the Man In Black.

The Christ child followed the Man In Black out of the city, to a nearby low stone wall. The two sat.

“Thank heaven, I’m sick of speaking Hebrew.” Said the Man In Black, in English. “I mean, seriously, why did your Father give this language to them? Why couldn’t he have given Adam and Eve the English that most people speak nowadays?”

Ok, so, first off, English doesn’t even exist “nowadays”, because as was just established nowadays is in fact 12 AD.

Second off,

“Ooohhhhh, glub. I think the ‘fic’s starting to try to get…. ‘zany‘.”

Yeah I think I can very precisely identify the point in this ‘fic’s evolution where FelRose completely and totally ran out of ideas.

Jesus looked at the Man In Black skeptically. “We both know Father just fleshed the concept the Elder Ones originally made. And you’re the one that spread them out throughout the universe. As for why not give them English… Where did you just come from? 2018?”

So, first off, yeah, definitely “zany”.

Second, Nyarlathotep can time travel? How did he then end up arriving late for the Nativity?!

“It’s almost like the author didn’t think this through or somefin’.”

Also, you know what was really missing in the last chapter?

“A plot?”

Well, yeah, but also the regular three Magi. The story is called “A King among Kings” and the blurb at the top says Nyarlathotep visited Jesus alongside the three Magi, but no such Magi ever actually appear. Contrary to the blurb, there are not in fact four kings, but rather one actual and three kinda-sorta-implied.

“I don’t know if I’d really call Nyarlathotep a “King” either. One of his names is “The Black Pharaoh“, but when I think “King” and “Great Old Ones” I think Hastur, “The King In Yellow”, not Nyarlathotep.”

There’s also not really anything Lovecraftian about him here. He’s just kind of Generically Broody- he might be a Jeff Clone just as easily as a Great Old One. It’s all very…. FINO.

“Yeah.” Admitted the Man In Black, slumping.

“And why are you addressing your character as the Man In Black? We both know who you are, and most people who followed this story probably know as well.” Christ shook his head. “You make no sense, Nyarlathotep”

I have said it once. I have said it a thousand times. Admitting that your story sucks and makes no sense, is not the same thing as being insightful.

“First, thank you for pronouncing my name right.” Said Nyarlathotep. “It’s so hard for most people for some reason.

Did he, though? It’s a written work, so we can’t tell.

And we both know that the people reading this fanfiction are likely insane.”

…

“Well, I mean…”

He’s not wrong.

“So, why are you here?”

“I‘ve been askin’ that for one and three-quarters chapters.”

This time it was Nyarlathotep that looked at Jesus skeptically.

“Sorry.” Smiled Christ. “I absolutely couldn’t resist. I know why you’re here.” His smile vanished. “I know what the stakes are for you. And I know you’d never come to me unless you were this desperate. I have to admit… You’ve gone and screwed it up majorly.”

“Yes. Yes you did.”

“I’ve gone and screwed it up?!” Demanded Nyarlathotep. “I screwed it up?! Are you being serious right now?!”

“No.” Sighed Jesus. “I was joking.

“Huh. We couldn’t tell.”

And to answer your question, yes, I’ll help you. In any major way I can without interfering directly.”

I’d assume all of this is in reference to a situation occurring in one of Fel’s dozens of other ‘fics.

“That is a significant amount.” Said Nyarlathotep, folding his arms. “By the way, should you be getting back? I doubt Mary and Joseph would be entirely happy with you talking to me after our last meeting.”

Both of them cringed. It had not gone well.

What, the bit where Nyarlathotep tried to determine Jesus’s power level and nothing else happened?

“You know, when you describe that, it sounds way more interesting than what we actually read.”

“We should be fine. Plus, the time freeze that you set up here.”

Is not a sentence.

Nyarlathotep looked around. “This is where I set it up, isn’t it? We could be here for literally forever, and have it not matter.”

“Wow, yeah, that’s exactly what reading this story feels like!”

“Yep. Anyway,” started Christ, “I can get you partial access to Remnant,

Because that’s totally a thing God can do. Or would be bothered to do.

more significant than your other Cthulhu/RWBY story with that crazy lesbian avatar of yours.”

“Okay seriously what the glub is in these other ‘fics??”

Christ pulled a piece of ACTUAL PAPER out of his robe. “Was that nessescary?”

“Yes.”

No. No it was not.

“I guess I walked into that one.”

“Walked into…. what?? Is the paper supposed to be funny? Is Nyarlathotep… weak to paper, or…”

Christ handed the paper to Nyarlathotep. “Take a look.”

Nyarlathotep looked at the paper for several moments. He then summoned a glass of water, took a deep drink, and spewed it out. “How are you better than this than me?!”

It’s not that hard. A blind hamster let loose to run around on my keyboard would be better at trollficcing than you are.

To be continued…?

Not really. There is another chapter after this one called “THIS IS NOT A NEW CHAPTER”-

“- liar -“

– which is in fact just a massive rant about… I’m not even sure what! And it’s delivered entirely in the author’s claiming-to-be-Nyarlathotep persona. I think this person might be legitimately mentally disturbed:

As the title suggests, I’m sorry I haven’t been publishing any new chapters to my stories; I’m having… anger issues.

And that’s not including the war I’m in the middle of.

The… war?

“Kid, you wouldn’t recognize war if it came up behind you and bit you in the tailstub.”

So, according to everything,

According to… everything?

Vic Micnoga, (that’s not how it’s spelled),

Then why did you type it?

the voice of Qrow, Edward Elric, and a few others, has been removed from working with both Funimation, and Rooster Teeth, because of sexual allegations set against him.

Now, I’m not here to make judgements. I’m right now stating the facts.

Like the fact they are doing this despite the fact that DISNEY is having Will Smith as the new Genie.

I’m pissed.

I mean, have you heard Will Smith’s music? IT’S WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT VIC, JAMES GUNN, (former director of the Guardians of the Galaxy movies), OR ANYONE ELSE HAS DONE!

Apparently making bad music is on par with possible sexual assault now.

You humans are in such a culture of fear right now.

It’ll only make it easier when I blow you up.

I’ll admit, again, I’m not entirely certain about what happened with Vic, but from what I know, it’s quite similar to what happened with James Gunn.

I have read about both of them, and the issues, and most of that is totally just outright fearmongering.

Especially with Gunn. Seriously, the context of those tweets are HILARIOUS.

Totally false, but hilarious.

“We won’t see these ‘hilarious’ tweets or anything, though, ’cause that’d mean effort for Fel.”

I had never actually heard of James Gunn or any controversy around him before, and don’t really see any point in looking it up. I am passingly aware of the controversy surrounding allegations against Vic Mignogna and cannot bring myself to care much one way or the other.

…Anyway. I’m not certain whether or not I’ll be continuing my RWBY stories, due to RT’s meddling,

Apparently, firing a voice actor renders you unable to write about their characters or something. That’s downright Chris-Channian.

and if any of you want to adopt them, message me, and I’ll consider it.

Projects I’m Not Sure About:

Jaune Arc, the Crawling Chaos

A World Brought To Bear

A Demon And Zombie Come To Remnant

The Silver-Eyed Carrion

I Don’t Feel Well

The Angel Of Remnant

Old Fears Reborn

Fears Remade

Azeroth Of Remnant

The Legion Reborn

Wow, it’s like a smorgasbord of new riffing material!

Again, if any of you want to adopt these stories, PM me, and I’ll consider you.

I’m just pissed.

I may take my words back later, but I’m just…

Spoiler alert. (S?)he never did.

It’s overreaction.

You people are so obssessed with everything going your way, everything happening just the way you want them.

“I’m pretty sure that’s all of human history, really.”

I mean, several years ago, I went to see Jaws with a friend of mine.

Back then, I was pretending to be a 30-ish adult with a job working on a manufacturing line.

“So what the glub are you now?”

I was not impressed with that movie at all, (At The Mountains Of Madness is a better movie. Or, rather, it WILL be.

I doubt it will be.

), so I went outside.

“Was Jaws seriously so awful you had to step out and get some fresh air instead of just sitting in your seat? I mean, my only problem with Jaws was that the shark didn’t win in the end.”

Some idiot woman, (I didn’t know them), had brought their baby, (again, she was an idiot), and had gone out because the baby wasn’t happy.

I offered to take care of her baby, and she accepted, and she went back in.

Again, you can’t do that these days. Do that now, and you’ll probably be arrested.

I think that the whole “stranger danger” thing goes back just a little farther than “a few years”.

(I didn’t walk off with the baby. Again, I had a friend waiting for me, and she had the car keys. And when I pretend to be human, it’s all the way. No magic, no cults, nothing.)

I’m going to ask you people to not fill up my review box with hateful comments, but this IS the internet.

I’m merely stating facts.

The very, very vague facts.

If you don’t like them, take it up with God. He’s far more willing to listen to lies and hatemongering than I am.

“He is?”

And then… that’s the end of it. This might just be the single least-substantial and most directionless ‘fic I have ever riffed here on LOTD- even Poems of the Creepypasta and Slenderverse at least stayed on the topic of creepypasta monsters, and Cupcakes had an objective just in being repetitive Rainbow Dash torture even if that objective was stupid and boring. I wonder if FelRose’s other ‘fics are all nothingfics like this, or if in some of the longer ones they bring their supremely absent descriptive skill, leaden humor, and angry lack-of-opinions to bare on an actual plot??

See you next week with the final parts (of which there are many) of Mass Effect: The First War.

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