1229: The Great Rift – Chapter Nine (And a Brief Footnote About RIFT – A Remembrance In Fractured Time)

Title: The Great Rift
Author: LimeyK
Media:  Video Games
Topic: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Drama/Adventure
URL: The Great Rift: Chapter 9
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the last installment of The Great Rift! I’m your host Herr Wozzeck and… well, here we are at last to close this thing out!

So as per the thing I mentioned in the first installment of the snark, yes, LimeyK did start work on a revamp of this whole fic. So… I’m going to do you all a favor and give you my impressions of that right when we get to the end. You’re not going to see me do a snarking of it, though: I figure one pass with this particular plot line is enough. So… yeah.

Anyway, let’s get started, yeah? We’ve got a shitty fanfic to finish!

We open our last chapter with this:

Lady Palutena gracefully kneeled in front of an offering altar at the end of another long and dark temple hall.

Council of the wise, what has happened down there?

Council of the Wise? The hell is that referring to?

Her eyes were shut with her halo aglow, and she seemed to be listening to an ebb and flow of mystic whispering voices telling her something; she gasped.

Were… were there any survivors…? Her mind asked, heartbroken from the news.

The stream of whispers went on as she continued to listen closely.

Where did they all go?

*frown*

*runs to Uncle Google*

…

Um… Since when was this fic a crossover with Lord of the Rings?

Lady Palutena inhaled deeply and exhaled somewhat shakily from her initial shock, but slowly opened her eyes upon hearing further council.

Who are these two travelers you speak of…?

Oh, Vic and Idiot? Oh, they’re just these two teens from Norway, one of whom is carrying an illegal switch blade that he uses to cut up people for no good reason, and the other who just… works out, I guess. Don’t ask me, I can’t dig up any dirt on Vic either.

As she paid attention with her conscience,

*snerk*

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to remind you that LimeyK expected us to take this fic seriously.

she glanced around at the numerous statues of other gods and goddesses lining the vast hall almost as if the voices were emanating from within them.

One last time she nervously inquired: But, where do their paths lead now?

Down the path of philosophical pretension. Don’t try to argue with it, you don’t want to end up the way Mami or Kyoko did in Homura Afterstory.

In an ethereal illumination, the goddess’ wings began unfolding to a rising divine chant until the stream of whispers finally dissolved into the surrounding silence.

“Woof.”

Oh, for…

*sigh*

It’s okay, Swenia, you’ve only got this week to go when it comes to this fic. Just hold out for a little longer, okay?

Left in the hall’s stillness, she stood back up in understanding.

And then she asked herself what the hell she was doing talking to a “Council of the Wise” when she knew she ran the show as far as Sky World is concerned.

After this, we get a line break, where we cut to:

The temple gardens were a massive, peaceful sanctuary and one could get easily lost wandering, even if they hailed from Skyworld.

Under the cool shade of a giant tree atop a hill, Pit lay down on the soft grass while gazing up at the passing clouds.

Oh yay, we’re with Edge Lord Pit again. I can’t wait to see what he mopes about this time.

The angel reached his hand up towards the clouds, pretending to grab them before a butterfly fluttered down and gently landed on his finger.

He brought it down to his eye’s level and let the creature crawl around his hand.

This tranquil sight brought a smile to his face while he lay there in peace.

Are… Are my eyes deceiving me? Is that…? Is that edge lord smiling!?

Ack! Quick! Swenia, sound the alarm, the Edge Lord might actually have complex feelings!

*jumps under the desk*

The butterfly suddenly took off and rose away as Pit’s thoughts were interrupted by Lady Palutena’s noticeably distraught voice.

“Pit, there you are. Thank goodness I found you.”

His eyes squinted as he sat up, inquisitive as to why the goddess was present.

“I was just clearing my mind for a while, Lady Palutena. I feel a bit better; not lost like I had been, but why do you seem worried?”

Possibly because she looked at the narration, saw what was there, and then realized another hit of this was coming:

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 18

Anyway, Palutena then explains to Pit that the Midair Stadium was attacked, there are survivors, and then she gets to…

Questions seemed to fill the angel’s eyes to the brim.

…

Lines like that, before we get to:

“The wise say in one of them, two human beings from… somewhere beyond the stars have become involved, and from what I was told they have a critical role to play… but they could not say more. Thus it is imperative the survivors are all re-united for the future’s course.

So I guess we’re doing the “vague prophecy from ages past” thing here, too? Good to know you consistently suck! Much like your having Lady Palutena explain the plot counts as…

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 19

Seriously, LimeyK, you are aware that exposition has a function, right? It’s an easy function to fuck up, but it’s a function nevertheless! And it’s okay to have the kind of exposition where a character explains the plot, just so long as you don’t do it all the time. But, you know, don’t say your style has “minimal” exposition, yeah? In fact, don’t qualify it as having any amount of exposition!

Jeez!

That is your task Pit, to assure that happens. In the land below the stadium is where they will all meet.”

The young angel tried to calmly comprehend this sudden onset of duties.

*headdesk*

Oh, for… She’s basically telling you “go down, find survivors, make them all join back up”! Why the fuck would you need more information than this?

“Lastly, if it means going on the following journey with them, fear not to do so for you are ready. If you do search for redemption between yourself and the hero of time, this will be your chance to make amends. That is all what the wise told me.”

Oh, right, Pit apparently has a rivalry with Link now. Right, let’s just make sure that happens.

*shrug*

Eh, I can’t really say it came from nowhere, to be honest. After all, it is the reason Pit went into Edge Lord mode, so… Yeah. Guess it makes sense that that’s a plot thread now. Eh.

So after that, Palutena summons Pit’s weapon, and then Pit’s all “on my way, Goddess”. And then we get a line break, and we cut to:

The landscape below the stadium was a wasteland; a large lake surrounded by a seemingly endless, baron moss and shrub steppe devoid of any trees.

*frown*

Baron Moss? Since when was Moss Hart a member of British royalty? And what the hell does this have to do with the landscape where the Subspace Bomb went off?

Distant snow-capped peaks of cloud swept mountaintops could be faintly seen on the far horizons.

A stronger wind now had picked up as well due to the offset of weather patterns from the nearby black hole.

Oh, and of course, this fic’s penchant for sentenceographs strikes again. Hooray!

Waves lapped the beach while Marth and Roy were both being pulled ashore by their capes with Charizard’s strong grip.

Jiggly Puff bobbed behind them and Greninja assisted in pushing them.

Already wading onto the shore was a drenched Lucina trying to shake-dry herself with no success.

Oh hey, look: it turns out all the fighters that were in the stadium survived! Man, can you believe we were actually worried they’d be dead for a second?

Laying along the beach with them were a number of deceased victims who had also fallen from the disaster; they lay face down, motionless in the breaking waves.

And somewhere else in the world:

WHO FUCKING BLEW UP PANAMA!?

Gazing around with vengeful sorrow, the warrior princess kneeled and silently honored these fallen while placing her arm across her chest.

A tear ran down her already wet cheek before she raised her head, looking up at that ominous sphere of darkness far overhead in the sky where the stadium once floated.

Again, another description that would’ve been better as one paragraph. He just loves his sentenceographs, doesn’t he?

“Grenin, ninja?” The water Pokémon squatted down beside the two swordsmen and caringly stroked the blue hair back from the prince’s face.

Which one? ‘Cause Roy is also technically a prince, you know!

Marth began hoarsely coughing up water while Roy struggled to lift himself up, using his sword handle for support.

*frown*

So Marth started coughing up water because a water Pokémon stroked his hair or something? Um, I’m pretty sure you need more than that to start coughing up water, right?

Seemingly torn inside,

Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean in this context.

Lucina lowered her head and said back to them, “My friends… brothers of the emblem… we’ve failed.”

The two fellow swordsmen could only give her stressed looks of denial.

“No…!” Shaken, Roy tried to come to terms with the sights above and around them.

Those sights that this “visually demanding” story has done a shit job of establishing the true horrors of. Because all good prose does that, right?

For better or for worse, the Pokémon were now only trying to help by conducting the grim task of collecting and arranging the casualties further up from the water’s edge.

Wow, this is really trying to rack up the Edge Lord points, isn’t it? I mean, I guess it hasn’t had enough time to be needlessly dark, gotta move quickly!

Managing to stand up, the prince was slightly turned, mournfully staring at them doing so since there were many bodies of creatures and beings of both fighters and spectators alike in a row.

Starting to walk, Lucina drew out her sword and tried to clasp it tightly against her trembling hands as she moved her way into the almost waist high brush.

“Are you coming or not?” She firmly asked. “Leave them; we have no time for the deceased.”

Yeah, no time for the deceased indeed. We have to push off on our plan of attack, which consists of… of… um…

*points*

Going that way. And then hoping we’ll be able to cut a bitch.

Roy ran a hand back through his wet red hair and exchanged a nervous glance with Marth before they went to catch up to her lead, as did the trio of Pokémon shortly after.

And they’re going along with it, even though it’s clear Lucina has no plan whatsoever. Sure, why not?

After this, we get another line break, and we cut to Pit as he goes down to Earth. Palutena then looks into the “reflection rimmed by stone”, and apparently watches everything. It’s a brief scene and doesn’t add much, so I’m gonna skip it. We then cut back to Lucina and the others as they keep moving through the thick brush.

After a while the warrior princess wiped her arm across her face, now becoming tired from all the brush hacking.

Breathing harder, she finally cried out in frustration and stabbed her sword down in the ground.

The radiant prince shared her feelings and hunched over with his hands on his knees.

“It’s no use… We’re hopelessly lost.” Roy weakly decreed in between breaths.

Yeah, that tends to happen when you charge gung-ho into a place without a plan of attack.

Lucina slowly shook her head and responded, “No, it’s not so much that.

Actually, yes it is. You were the one who suggested they leave wherever it was they were with no set destination in mind, after all.

It’s just… all of this.”

Raising her arms up hopelessly, she began weeping softly while Marth and Roy didn’t know what to do except gaze around.

Hm… Well, it’s getting awfully actionless. Let’s roll the wheel of plot coupons and see what LimeyK will throw at our heroes to distract us from the fact that Lucina didn’t think anything about this plan out!

*spins the wheel*

Glancing back down at her sword, something flesh colored stood out and caught her eye.

Tilting her head, she kneeled to take a closer look and saw that right next to her implanted blade was a limp muscle toned arm laying on the ground, sticking out from the surrounding dense brush.

Promptly clearing the flora aside, she gasped when it was revealed the arm in fact belonged to an unconscious Little Mac with a nasty gash across the side of his face.

“Hey, come and see over here!” The warrior princess anxiously called back to the others, who approached in response while she began to carefully pull the boxer’s body out into the clearing.

“Mac…!” Roy hurried over to help Lucina as she lay a pair of her fingers on his neck.

“There’s a pulse; he yet lives.” She sighed relieved while giving a subtle scoff. “But I almost… skewered his arm.”

Ah, and accidental discovery of a friend it is! Good job, Lucina: you nearly chopped Little Mac’s arm off due to your carelessness with a blade! Also, I’m pretty sure Fraug would have an aneurism at how you just stuck the sword into the ground like that. Maintenance and safety? What are those?

Charizard suddenly looked up and out to the surrounding sky as if he saw something.

Snorting some flames from his nostrils, he let out a small gruff roar that had the others’ attention as well.

A few moments passed until a noticeable and rising hum of a jet engine caught everyone’s ears.

“Look, someone approaches.” Marth finally spoke.

And then the pilot promptly turned away, because who the fuck wants to stay in this poorly formatted fic any longer than they have to?

Skimming low along the horizon was a small aircraft of mostly blue color.

Lucina squinted to see better; her eyes widened when she recognized it was none other than the blue falcon.

“It’s the honorable Captain Falcon!”

“Jiggly!” The balloon Pokémon floated up a ways while Charizard blew some fire into the air as to give a signal to their location.

Sure enough, the blue craft soon veered and made its bearing directly towards them.

Ah, and Captain Falcon yet lives, too.

So then, the Blue Falcon descends (and no, “Blue Falcon” is not capitalized for some reason”), they exchange pleasantries related to “oh thank God, I wasn’t the only one), they talk about some of the deceased, and then someone (there’s no attribution as to who) asks after Mario and the others.

The others exchanged dissonant looks

“Dissonant” looks? What the hell is a “dissonant” look!? “Dissonant” refers only to sound, thank you very much!

*BAM*

LimeyK, stop using fancy words. You’re not good at using them. Period.

and Roy was about to respond when another voice suddenly spoke up

And from behind!

from behind them all in the foliage.

Oh for fuck’s sake, I was kidding!

“It won’t matter anyways, because your craft can hardly fit any of us.”

The group turned around to see Shulk and Robin emerging from the bushes.

Oh hey, it’s Shulk and Robin! Imagine that, all the fighters that had names survived. How totally unpredictable!

“Lucina?” The tactician’s eyes fell upon her.

He seemed pleasantly surprised to see the warrior princess, who in response exhaled in overjoyed relief.

“Robin, oh thank Mila you’re alright!”

*frown*

Mila? Who the fuck is Mila in the context of the Fire Emblem universe?

*checks a wiki*

Huh. Okay, so according to my research, Mila is one of the two Goddess characters present in Fire Emblem: Gaiden, which was the second NES game, and the second installment of the series ever. Now, that took place on the continent of Valencia, which was eventually renamed Valm in time for Fire Emblem: Awakening. So this is in canon for them to be worshipping Mila.

The problem is, the avatar is from Plegia, which isn’t even in Valm! And anyway, he had more connection to Naga (A.K.A., the Goddess who actually affects the plot of Awakening), so why would he swear to Mila?

*headdesk*

Jeez, even when he researches the canons, he still fails at getting canon information right. That’s a special level of epic fail right there.

They proceeded to embrace and passionately hug each other for comfort

So they “passionately” hugged each other “for comfort”. You know, even though I’m pretty sure a “passionate hug” wouldn’t be used in the context of comfort.

LimeyK, I repeat: stop using big words. We can tell you’re trying too hard.

while Shulk approached Captain Falcon.

“My friend Robin and I were watching the whole thing. We fought our way out, but missed the last available transport bus so we had no choice but to jump before it was too late.”

He examined his monado blade as he went on, “Luckily my monado’s shield saved us from a hard landing; that or the thick brush we impacted anyway. It really was quite a long ways down.”

*frown*

If anyone is familiar with Xenoblade, chime in, please? Since I don’t know the canon, I have no reference for how strong any of Shulk’s Monado arts are, so if you could be a dear and disambiguate that I’d appreciate it.

Anyway, we turn to Lucina and Robin, and then Robin confirms that Chrom got off the stadium in time. She then asks what happened and why everything went to shit, and Robin is all “I wish I knew”…

Both still watching, Roy leaned close to Marth and whispered, “Hmm, Ike’s not going to like this one bit.”

… Oh, you did mean “passionately” in… that context.

And really, Marth, Roy? A major disaster has just happened, you’re all reeling from the impact, even Lucina is shaken (yeah, fucking Lucina is shaken by all this, really), and you’re already thinking about Lucina’s love life?

*BAM*

For shame, assholes! For shame!

Anyway, we get more of Pit gliding down, when what should he bump into but the Halberd?

From the clouds emerged the massive masked bow of the Halberd which caused Pit to forcibly jerk to the side and change course, as to avoid colliding head on with the ship.

“Whoa!” He gasped aloud, coming to a standstill float alongside from a safe distance in cloud cover.

He wearily observed the craft’s numerous guns, cannons, and other features that truly made it a formidable flying fortress.

The angel was breathing quite fast and trying to comprehend what this all meant, but soon shook his head, remembering his crucial mission from Lady Palutena.

With an unsure flick of his wings, he continued the long descent until the thick cloud line finally gave way to complete clarity.

…

Pit could see the land far below, but his eyes widened and his face spelled fear

I don’t know if I want Pit’s face to suddenly spawn letters, but okay.

when the sphere of darkness slipped into his vision.

He stared at it worriedly, but tried to retain the concentration on the importance of his mission.

Okay, okay, the land below the stadium… the land below the stadium. He echoed his goddess’ words in his mind.

That is where they will all meet.

After that, we get a line break, and we jump back to Lucina’s group of survivors. So then Pit shows up, he appears in front of them, and…

Captain Falcon and the others stood and watched as the angel came to a hover above them before gently landing on his feet.

“Hey I know you. You’re Skyworld’s Kid Icarus right, Pit?” Shulk opened up the conversation with the angel, who turned to face him.

“Yeah, that’s right. I was ordered to come down and join up with you guys, the survivors?”

Shulk smiled somewhat nervously in response, “Alright, well, yes I guess that’s… great.”

“Yes, it really is. Just… get back to us when we actually have a plan, yes?

He gave an unsure glance back to Captain Falcon, who was holding a hand up rubbing his forehead.

“Unless you can carry at least several of us sonny, we’re all stuck here. My blue falcon is already taken up.”

Robin extended the bounty hunter’s thoughts by saying, “I’m certain we aren’t the only survivors. There have to be others scattered here.”

“Hmm, well not that we could see.” Captain Falcon came back with DK, Diddy, and Yoshi climbing down from his racer behind him. “Our intention was to fly to Princess Peach’s castle but we just thought to check the area for anyone else, so all of this is already quite the stroke of luck.”

And also quite the stroke of boredom. Seriously, is anything going to actually happen in this chapter?

…

We’ve just gone right back to the characters just milling around doing jack shit, haven’t we?

*headdesk*

For fuck’s sake.

The two apes and the dinosaur nodded agreeably with one another.

Pit sheathed his blade bow through his side belt and frowned somewhat, seeming entrusting of Lady Palutena’s orders and firmly tried to restate, “But… that doesn’t make sense.”

Neither does the fact that this fic exists in the stated it does. Or did, anyway…

“Many things don’t make sense right now.” Lucina spoke her mind rather bluntly.

“Well then… there has to be someone else still coming, I know it.” The angel continued. “Lady Palutena said we’d all meet here under the stadium.”

Brief silence followed as the smashers exchanged thoughtful glances before Shulk questioningly threw in, “What do you mean someone else?”

Oh, you know, the real protagonists. You know, the guys we cut to in this line break:

Mario, Luigi, Kirby, Meta Knight, Link, Ike, Red, Pikachu, Slippy, Peppy, Falco, and Fox were all sitting along a bench inside one of the heli-transports.

Ah, you gotta love character lists, yeah?

Across the fuselage sat an internally contemptuous Victor and a still half wet Andreas, separated from the others while being under guard by several grunts.

To their disdain they noticed that, unlike themselves, the Star Fox team had received towels to dry themselves off.

Themselves? I thought Vic was the one standing on dry land the whole time!

Victor glanced over to see his slender-in-wet-clothing, effeminate figured friend holding his shoulders, rubbing them in trying to speed up the drying process.

“Here Andre, take this.” Victor took off his smash sweater, revealing a tank top underneath, and handed it over. “It’s too warm in here for me anyway.”

“Thanks Vick.” Andreas smiled gratefully and let it slide over his ruffled wet hair while keeping his arms nestled on the inside.

Aw, that’s actually kind of sweet. Now if only their relationship hadn’t been spoiled in their first appearance…

The grunts meanwhile were intently watching the two friends; they even shared occasional whispers with each other.

“Hey, do you think you could lay off with the security a bit?” Victor had noticed and seemed somewhat unnerved by the rifles constantly being held at the ready. “We’re with them, not a threat to you guys.”

“No can do; orders are orders.” One grunt responded, “You two are the outsider suspects here, so we have to be safe.”

Victor shot a hysterical look to Andreas, seeing if he agreed with his point.

“Safe, huh?” He retorted. “Whatever.”

Hey, be thankful Fox didn’t actually pull a Ferguson Police Department on your asses, guys. If he did, you’d already be in your grave. So yeah, calm your tits.

Andreas sat wrapped in the sweater with his head back against the metal wall, staring into thin air.

His spine tingled suddenly as he felt a sense that someone else’s eyes were upon him.

In subtlety he tried to glance across to the smashers and saw that of everyone, Fox’s green eyes were indeed fixed on him, staring coldly while his chin rested on his knuckles.

“In subtlety”?

*BAM*

LimeyK, are you even trying to not look like you’re trying too hard? ‘Cause with prose like that, it’s obvious you’re trying waaaaaaaaay too hard. Please, lay off on the purple and simplify shit! Your readers will thank you for it!

After this, Andreas addresses Fox, who turns away angrily. And Falco comes up to them, and sits next to them.

He leaned close to Andreas and spoke, “I think you know pretty well what’s wrong, so I would really watch your mouth around him.”

“You see, this is all about carrying his father’s honor.” The avian went on. “Whenever the smallest thing goes out of whack, he loses it. Believe me, I really hoped he wouldn’t go off like this but the Great Fox of all things being shot down like it was to him means he’s fucked everything up, and I get that.”

Andreas listened intently before answering, “Because it was James Mcloud’s mother ship too… because he supposedly died.”

The avian pilot just stared back blankly at him before nodding slowly.

“Yeah, it was. I won’t ask how you know, but do not let him hear you say that.” He warned forebodingly as he stood back up.

*frown*

Wait, so Falco somehow knows that James McCloud might possibly still be alive, but he doesn’t want Fox to know? Some friend you are, Falco. Seriously, what gives?

He took a few steps before stopping and facing Andreas one last time.

“Look, don’t think I trust you either Andre, or your friend here, because I don’t…” His eyes shifted. “We don’t. I don’t know how you got on the ship, I don’t know how you know so much, and you know what? Personally, maybe I don’t even care… but we’ll find out everything when we interrogate you anyhow.”

He then bore his wing with the wet and bloody bandage still wrapped around it.

*frown*

Wait, it’s still wet? Then what the fuck is he doing here? Guys, get his ass to an infirmary, his bandage is still wet!

And wait, it’s still wet! How the hell is Falco a pilot? I mean, I’m pretty sure most people would be banned from flight school if they had blood problems that meant the blood had trouble clotting, right? So why the hell is Falco a hemophiliac all of a sudden, and why is he still in StarFox with that condition!?

*BAM*

Jeez, LimeyK fails at prose even when he has simple words.

*sigh*

Does anybody want to hire an animation team for LimeyK? I’d like for him to just make a fucking movie already, instead of wasting his time doing something he clearly doesn’t have any skill with. I mean, shit, I’d rather see a Machinima version of this than… than this shit!

*offscreen trombone*

Wait, he’s already produced a Machinima with Skyrim mods?

*offscreen trombone*

*watches for five minutes*

Wait, was that recorded with a camcorder pointed at the screen, and not capture software like FRAPS or XSplit? And why is his health bar still in the lower-left hand corner of the screen in most of those shots? And why are there no voice clips? It’s all done in subtitles! And why is the in-game camera work done so shoddily? Seriously, it’s so schizophrenic when it doesn’t need to be! And why is so much of it pointlessly long stretches of nothing happening?

Oh my God, he can’t even make a MACHINIMA right!

*headdesks*

“Uh huh, see? At least I have a reason not to trust you. Fox is just like this; he’s always been like this.”

If he has, it hasn’t shown that much. But then again, I guess the Great Fox has never been blown up, so I’ll cut LimeyK some slack on that.

Falco returns to his seat, and then Vic asks Andreas what it was he did to them in the first place. Andreas, once again showing that he’s an idiot, shakes his head and doesn’t answer. Well, okay, maybe that’s being too mean, because they’re also interrupted by the mortar veteran coming and being all “we’ve got survivors, ladies and gentlemen!” The mortar veteran makes a comment about being under the heart of darkness before we get a line break to…

Gazing out the windows, Victor, Andreas, and the smashers saw their companions Captain Falcon, DK, Diddy, Yoshi, Marth, Roy, Lucina, Robin, Shulk, Pit, Little Mac, Jiggly Puff, Charizard, and Greninja standing below next to the blue falcon.

…

The exact same scene.

*headdesk*

The heli-transport immediately lands, and then they “secure a perimeter, and then someone (we don’t know who thanks to improper dialogue attribution) comes and is all “you need an evac, come with us!”

Captain Falcon was overjoyed and chuckled as Mario also emerged.

“Mario my man, you were right again! I’m sorry I ever doubted you!”

On what? Because I don’t distinctly remember what you could doubt Mario on.

Then again, though, that could be my memory talking. I’ve completely forgotten the specifics of what happened from when Captain Falcon flew people off on the Blue Falcon. And when you’re saying that about a fic, that’s usually a really bad sign.

Anyway, we then get a bunch of activity when the survivors talk to Mario and Kirby and all those guys, blah blah, boring prose, and then we get this:

Victor tried to stand up to see these newcomers more clearly but one of the grunts jumped up and cut him off while holding his rifle ready.

“Oh no you don’t, you stay where you are.” He imperatively stated as Victor returned a somewhat threatening glare, but Andreas insisted to his friend by tugging on his tank top.

“Vick, please listen to them.”

Wait, the idiot with the switch blade who likely did more to get them to this point is the one talking sense? What witchcraft is this!?

With a grumble he was forced to sit back down at gunpoint.

“You know what,” He said through his teeth to Andreas. “Just let me do the talking from now on, alright?”

Yes, please, Andreas, do be quiet. You are in no position to give any advice, considering that your own instinct probably got the two of you in more trouble than you really should’ve been in.

Anyway, Vic calls out to Marth, and Marth is like “oh yay”. Vic asks after Little Mac, and then we move over to Pit as he catches sight of the Hero of Time. Before he can say anything, Shulk comes in and is all “now that’s something awesome that my Monado powers couldn’t have seen coming”. (Xenoblade guys, confirm if Shulk can do that, pretty please?) Red reunites with his Pokémon, and blah blah, it’s all boring and shit.

And then we get this:

Ike meanwhile raised his head and brightened upon seeing Lucina stride up the ramp.

“Lucina…!” Delighted, he stood up as the warrior princess glanced back up at him returning a smile.

Both his face and heart sank though when he saw Robin come up behind her; they were holding hands.

*headdesk*

Oh, great. Love triangles. It’s not enough this fic has like eight million plot lines to deal with, it threw a love triangle in there, too? What is this, a That Guy With The Glasses anniversary special?

The mercenary slowly blinked several times before sitting back down.

“This is Robin, my good friend.” She introduced him to Ike, who was slightly struggling to keep a calm face. “He and Shulk there were watching the tournament.”

*frowns*

*checks the doc*

…

Wait a minute, this is literally the first time Shulk has appeared in the entire story! Even Robin was alluded to by Chrom in the first actual chapter of this turkey, but there was no reference to Shulk until literally this chapter! So Shulk just jumped out of the SDQF to do shit!

*BAM*

LimeyK, throwing characters right out of nowhere is kind of bad form. But you know what’s worse form? Throwing characters into a fic, and then writing them as if they had been there the whole time!

*BAM*

*groans*

Keep it together, Herr, you’re almost done. Just a little more to go.

Robin held out his hand, “I know who you are Ike. Your deeds are well known throughout the lands. It’s an honor to meet you.”

Ike nodded with a shrouded sense of impatience and shook the tactician’s hand in return.

To only add onto the mercenary’s apparent discomfort at hand, Robin and Lucina took places right beside him, with Robin in the middle of the three.

Good Christ, the first plot-critical thing just happened a couple of chapters ago, and already Ike is getting jealous of Robin. I’d complain about how fucked up that would be that we’d have to deal with that shit over a protracted period of time, but thankfully as this is the last installment of this version of The Great Rift, then I’m just glad we only have to deal with it here, and I’ll shut up now.

Lucina then leaned over.

“Ike, I want to thank you for what you did up there for me,” She told him with solemn gratitude as his eyes turned and met hers, “I fear I might have been among the fallen if not for your heroic actions.”

Ike thought deeply to himself for several moments before returning a subtle smile and nodding back.

“Anything for you, Lucina.”

Oh, just kiss her already!

Anyway, Mario turns to the remainder, and is all “hey, come with us!” Of course…

“Yoshi, Yoshi.” The dinosaur concurred and further explained they could find their way back to get some help.

Wha—

*BAM*

Are you idiots actually serious? There is help right in front of your faces, and you want to find your way back to get it anyway?

*BAM*

It’s bad enough we were told what it was Yoshi was explaining (which could theoretically count as a “Minimal” Exposition count, but I won’t since he’s doing the whole “only saying their name thing” with Yoshi and DK and Diddy aren’t talking), but their reasoning just makes no fucking sense! Mario, talk some sense into them, please!

“Wait, so you mean you aren’t-a-coming with us?” Taken back, Mario asked for clarification to which the large ape nodded and nudged him heartily on the shoulder.

Pondering their prospective points, he finally nodded agreeably. “Well, I guess when-a-you look at it-a-that way it does-a-make the most sense.”

Yoshi went up and gently nuzzled his nose against Mario’s torso.

“Another time then. I know DK will-a-look out for you.” The plumber assured, holding his hand while Diddy hopped and climbed up on his partner’s shoulders. “But… you’re-a-sure you all can-a-get back from here?”

Donkey Kong cocked his large head back while smiling, giving a confident thumbs up gesture since they were masters of navigating land, be it jungle or otherwise.

*headdesk*

This fic fails at logic forever.

“Hold it now, what about my baby?” Captain Falcon turned and looked back, concerned in regarding the status of his grounded racer. “I can’t just leave her here can I?”

Who says you have to? Just hop in and follow these guys back to home base. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind the extra ship, particularly if you volunteer to carry a few survivors. And besides, it’s not like you’d have any difficulty keeping up: the Blue Falcon is a race car, after all!

The vet thought, lightly shook his head, and answered, “We really don’t have time for this. It’s your call pal, but I’d just leave it here since this whole area will be searched soon enough when the officials get here, so they’ll know who’s it is once they see it.”

Or you can just do that. Good to know logic is pretty much dead and gone in this fic!

The bounty hunter shrugged and nodded after a moment or two of thought.

“Yeah, and I could have flown here with my Falcon Flyer instead. Imagine how that would have helped us out!”

That actually brings up another point, too: in the trophy description of the Falcon Flyer in Melee, it makes reference to the fact that “it also comes in handy for transporting and maintaining the Blue Falcon.” So literally, he would use the Falcon Flyer as storage for the Blue Falcon. So assuming that he brought the Falcon Flyer here (which would make sense, considering he traveled across the known galaxy and I’m not confident a fucking racing vehicle is really built to traverse entire galaxies even in the F-Zero universe), it would actually be more work to get the Blue Falcon out of there.

So why didn’t he bring the Falcon Flyer? ‘Cause that strikes me as extremely stupid that he either came to this tournament in the Blue Falcon (again, racing vehicle trying to traverse entire galaxies doesn’t really end well for most), or that he left the Falcon Flyer behind in the explosion (since that would be more work to get out of there than just using the Falcon Flyer to get out).

So Captain Falcon notices Yoshi and the Kongs not coming on, and then they board the Heli-transport. For some reason, Pit doesn’t throw a stink about this, but instead they board the heli transport, and they leave the area. We then get a line break, and we watch as Mario watches Yoshi and the Kongs become smaller as they fly away. And of course…

Meta Knight was eyeing him and finally spoke up, “So now that our own traveling freak show is back together again, where are we all going exactly? I know I was never told anything.”

What the Mortar Vet should say: “we’re going to take you to a place where we can help you get back in character”.

What he actually says:

Upon reaching the entry to the cockpit, he turned around to face the group agreeably awaiting an answer.

“We’re flying you lot to the Cornerian airbase Zeta, but that’s where our orders end. I think Star Fox could tell y’all the rest.”

Seriously, is anyone else annoyed by bitchy!Meta Knight? He’s kind of worn out his welcome by now.

…

Oh no, don’t tell me bitchy!Meta Knight was LimeyK’s attempt at writing a comic relief character!

A still silent Fox could feel the mounting stares upon him.

His beady eyes darted up to meet Falco’s, who rolled his own and finally declared in place of him, “If you people could connect the dots, we’re all going to Corneria because of our… precious cargo.”

*frown*

We’re supposed to be seeing StarFox as the villains of this fic, right? ‘Cause that’s the only way I can see them given how they talk about Vic and Andreas. Sure, Andreas did stupid shit, but this is kind of out of line, don’t you think?

He shot a suggestive glance specifically toward Victor and Andreas,

Oh, dude! Fox, come on, you’re a frequent victim of Rule 34 on FurAffinity, don’t give them any more ideas!

as did a number of the smashers to see what he meant.

No! Stop! You’ve all just been rescued, this is not the time for a ship-wide orgy!

Luigi’s face was overcome with angst

Somehow, I don’t know how, because “visually demanding”!

and turned to face his brother, stuttering, “T-t-the Lylat System?! N-none of us-a-ever have been there!”

Mario however was confident by nodding assuredly, “Si, but it’s-a-just another adventure… as-a-always.”

Just like snarking this shit has been just another adventure.

“Victor, come and sit with us.” Roy then offered with a smile as there was a free space next to him and Marth.

Concerned, Andreas looked at his friend; he could see he wanted to, but knew he couldn’t.

“Sorry, I can’t.” Victor shook his head and put his arm around Andreas, who blinked unsure and blushed slightly. “Looks like we’re prisoners now.”

And with that, we finally end the story parts of The Great Rift. There was an additional chapter posted after this, but it was only an author’s note that promised the next chapter was coming soon. I won’t post it here, because it really doesn’t say that much. Well, apart from one Smash Brothers pun that is probably the only marginally good thing about this fic.

So yeah, that was The Great Rift. How was it? Well, to be honest, this is a case where the prose pretty much killed whatever was in the fic. The characters, while bland, were usually not badly written (with a few notable exceptions), the scenario, while bland, looked like it was heading somewhere. Really, we have another prime example of an author’s philosophical pretension getting in the way of good writing: it led to bad formatting, it led to the fic getting needlessly dark, it led to the pacing being slower than molasses for no good reason…

Yeah. LimeyK’s philosophy on prose pretty much shot the whole thing down.

So you might be asking yourself “well, what about LimeyK’s rewrite of this fic”. Glad you did!

The reworked version of The Great Rift (or RIFT – A Remembrance In Fractured Time—yes, I’ll talk about what’s bad about it in a second) is, fortunately, a much improved endeavor from this one. And as I suspected, actually writing proper paragraphs fixed a vast majority of this fic’s issues, in addition to actually describing shit.

Take, for example, this bit from the first chapter of The Great Rift:

Following the almost continuous flow of spectators through a labyrinth of hallways boasting gift shops, food stands, and other booths of all sorts, a final hallway was turned onto revealing an archway of bright light at the end.

The shape became larger as the numerous silhouettes of bobbing heads clamored excitedly.

Now, here’s the first three paragraphs of the same scene from RIFT:

The multilevel docking bays, height wise speaking, were located near the middle section protruding out from the side of the stadium and were almost completely flooded with hundreds of similar air buses arriving. Like never-ending clockwork, the hydraulic doors on each of the buses hissed open as they stopped in a hover and unloaded their thick streams of riders, all eager and crowding up to get to the ticket check-in lines located farther down the docking bays.

There probably wasn’t a single person, sentient creature, or being on these piers who didn’t have at least slightly widened eyes, adjusting glasses for those who wore them as they gazed upward, wondering while passing under the arched sign welcoming them to Midair Stadium. Now they were getting a true glimpse at just how utterly large this airborne mass of concrete, metal, and other material actually was. Even though it was already kilometers aloft, its architectural towers along the corners reached further skyward above, embracing the great blue canvas against which it was all set. From way up here, the whole rest of the world seemed forgotten.

Nevertheless the scene here across the arrival piers was vibrantly alive, and in one area just past the check-in lines before the actual entrance into the stadium, a large booth for making bets was surrounded by a literal sea of hands eagerly holding up money to place down.

See? Much improved. It doesn’t manage to completely avoid the sentenceograph trap (and indeed, there are too many run-ons), but already this is a marked improvement. Now there’s an actual sense of unfolding that’s going on, and that’s good! What’s more, it’s way more vivid than the previous version was. Now I can actually imagine shit. This is the kind of description that was missing in the previous version! Now it actually can conjure up vivid imagery, though I still wouldn’t call it “visually demanding” the same way you would’ve.

Now, are there problems? I guess so. Judging by the title, the philosophical pretension has only been doubled since the previous version of this fic. It’s rarely a good sign when someone responds to criticism by being more pretentious.

But you know what? I’m not going to harp on that too much. His technique, while still flawed, is much better than it was in the previous version, so I’ll be able to swallow that pill a little more easily.

So yeah, it seems our author actually can take some amount of criticism to heart. Imagine that.

Anyway, guys, I’m going to leave it there. I’ve been Herr Wozzeck…

…and next week, we’re going to look at an entirely new fic. Hooray!

*parties*

---